McManus/Traditional /Trend/Anger -10/04

[Smart Marriages ®]

subject: McManus/Traditional /Trend/Anger -10/04


- I WASN'T DRINKING....
- MCMANUS UPCOMING SCHEDULE: SC CONTRACT AND 190TH SIGNING!
- YOUNG WOMEN OF TODAY JUST WANT TO SETTLE DOWN
- GETTING CONTROL OF ANGER

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- I WASN'T DRINKING...
Diane,
I tried to order the Tape re sobriety for couples and the 800 number
was Women's basketball? I would like to order but the number given
appears to be wrong. Ann

Sorry Ann. I did this from memory - funny how the brain transposes. The
correct number is 800-241-7785. - diane

> Tape #754-507 90-min wrksp on CD or audio cassette from 800-241-8875 (WRONG -
correct: 800-241-7785)
> Learning Sobriety Together Gary Birchler, PhD, William Fals-Stewart, PhD This
> program works with couples together - the drug/alcohol abuser & spouse - to
> improve communication skills, build cohesion and to both promote & maintain
> sobriety.

##########################

- MCMANUS UPCOMING SCHEDULE: SC CONTRACT AND 190TH SIGNING!
Dear Diane,
Marriage Savers has been contracted to create six Community Marriage
Policies in South Carolina by Heritage Community Services which won a
$50,000 Compassion Captial Grant. Harriet and I will be traveling to three
S.C. cities to meet with pastors Nov.10-12, and three more cities Nov.
17-19, details below. We will return after the first of the year to sign
Community Marriage Policies and to train on six weekends.

In addition, we will be involved in training TANF workers in Springfield, OH
and Head Start workers in Austin, TX in how to increase the quality of
relationships of couples having babies out of wedlock, with the hope they
might marry before the baby is born.

If any of your readers is interested in attending any of these training
sessions, they should call Marriage Savers at 301 469-5870. A Marriage
Savers training covers proven interventions at five stages
of the marital life cycle: Preparation, Enrichment, Restoration,
Reconciliation and Stepfamilies. We train Mentor Couples, clergy and
counselors.

Marriage Savers Training Schedule: Fall, 2004

CHECK with local leaders to confirm details, directions, time and
place.

Oct. 30, 8am: Chevy Chase, MD: Mike McManus will speak at a Men's Breakfast
about the joys of joining with one's wife to be a Mentor Couple, and a
"Marriage Saver." All Saints Episcopal Church. Call Layne Hansen 301
654-2488.

Nov. 5-6: Westminster, MD: Marriage Savers of Carroll County will sign the
country's 190th Community Marriage Policy at the courthouse at 1 pm, after
which there will be a training of Mentor Couples and clergy Friday evening
and Saturday. Call Bill McKenna, 410 876-8714.

Nov. 10, 11, 12: South Carolina: in Florence on the 10th (call Elizabeth
Arthur, 843 629-0988), Greenville on the 11th and Rock Hill on the 12th
(Call Carole Walters for both events, 864 850-9873).

Nov. 17, 18, 19: South Carolina: Charleston on Nov 17th, Greenwood on Nov.
18th and Columbia on Nov. 19th. For more information, call Mary McClellan,
843 863-000508.

Dec. 4 and Jan 8, Leesburg, VA: Mike & Harriet will provide Premarital
Training to Mentor Couples and clergy at St. Peter's Episcopal
Church. Call Jack Stagman 540 338-0409 to pre-register.

Jan. 10: Orlando, FL: Mike & Harriet will give an Overview of Marriage
Savers from 2-5 p.m. to leaders of the Seventh Day Adventist Church. Call
Willie Oliver, 301 680-6462.

Feb. 10: Chevy Chase, MD: Mike McManus will speak to the Rotary Club of
Chevy Chase at Althea Bella Vista Restaurant, Willard and Freedom Drive, at
noon, giving an Overview of Marriage Savers, on how Mentor Couples can save
marriages.

April 15: Memphis: Mike and Harriet will speak at the signing of a Memphis
Community Marriage Policy at 1 p.m. There will be a banquet Friday night and
we will train on Saturday. Call Jim Hunter, 901 685-2186 or 901 246-1392.

Michael McManus
Co-Founder, President
Marriage Savers
marriagesavers.org
301 469-5873
###########################

- YOUNG WOMEN OF TODAY JUST WANT TO SETTLE DOWN
By Nicole Martin - Daily Telegraph, UK
OCT 14, 2004

"The 21st Century Young Woman's Survey of Great Britain portrays a
generation of females who are determined not to repeat the failed marriages
of their parents. . . . underneath the partying they have more traditional
views than their parents. They come from divorced parents and they want a
more stable life for their own kids."

(This study, also from Great Britain, is interesting on the heels of the
previous post about declining fertility in women over 30...women are
definitely having a hard time making their dreams come true. - diane)

They drink more than their mothers did and some would sleep with their boss
to get a better job but today's young women are far more traditional than
their parents, research suggests.

Far from embracing the promiscuous society in which they live, the "children
of the divorced generation" want to settle down with a husband and start a
family.

Seven in 10 women believe "there's too much pressure to have sex" and almost
all say "love, affection and hugs" are the most important factors in a
relationship.

A further nine in 10 still dream of a white wedding, with almost seven in 10
hoping to be married before they have children, the poll of 5,000 women aged
18 to 25 found.

The 21st Century Young Woman's Survey of Great Britain portrays a generation
of females who are determined not to repeat the failed marriages of their
parents.

They seek stability, a close network of friends and a society that is
tougher on crime.

They also take a hard line on Europe, with seven in 10 against Britain's
membership of the European Union and eight in 10 against the euro. Ali Hall,
the editor of More magazine, which commissioned the poll, said the
traditional views of young women stemmed from many being brought up in
broken homes.

While more than eight in 10 said their parents were married when they were
born, only half of those questioned said they were still together now.

"Young women today work hard, party hard and want to enjoy themselves while
they are young," she said.

"But underneath the partying they have more traditional views than their
parents. They come from divorced parents and they want a more stable life
for their own kids.

"They believe in marriage and want to stay with one man for the rest of
their lives.

"They also want a safer Britain. They want tougher sentencing and safe
streets." She added: "They've also taken more exams than any other
generation and they don't think it's worth it.

"It's stressed them out and a degree hasn't secured them the job they'd
hoped for. They don't want the euro, they just want a better, more civilised
Britain."

But while they dream of settling down, one in 10 of those surveyed said she
had slept with her boss or a previous boss, and one in five said she would
have sex with a boss "regardless of whether or not she fancied him if it
meant certain promotion".

The poll also found that the average woman had lost her virginity at 16 and
had had seven sexual partners by the age of 21.

"Young women feel there is a lot of pressure to have with a new partner,"
commented Miss Hall.

"But they are independent and believe it is up to them when and with who
they have sex. However, what they really want from a partner is an emotional
relationship.

"Only 47 per cent of young people think it is important to be in love with
someone before you sleep with them, yet she says what she wants most from a
partner is love, affection and hugs."

#########################
- GETTING CONTROL OF ANGER

Dear Diane,
I loved that you shared the long article by Brent Atkinson - "Why insight
by itself isn't enough for lasting change."

For the past couple of years I have had a piece of his writing (titled "The
Emotional Imperative") posted on my website, under my section of "Articles
about Affairs." I wrote an introduction for his piece, positioning it as
help in "Getting Control of Anger and Other Emotions." (By the way, his is
the ONLY material on my site that I didn't write myself. That's how special
I thought it was.)

While his concepts are useful for dealing with ANY marital issue, they are
especially useful in dealing with a spouse's affair. After discovering an
affair, the strong emotions often take over and dictate a person's actions.
This can feel overwhelming and lead to feeling there's no way to either
understand or change this pattern.

Brent's ideas help a lot, but people still had a hard time really "wanting"
to change the pattern - because they felt they "deserved" to be able to
vent their anger and it was "unfair" for them to have to be careful in how
they spoke. They also felt it was "making it easy" for the spouse and/or
"letting them off the hook" if they avoided venting their anger.

One of the statements in the article you distributed by Brent includes his
saying:
"Hence my frustration. I couldn't understand why couples continued in these
patterns when they'd learned--in those magical moments of insight--that
blaming or withdrawing didn't help them get what they wanted."

I had also been frustrated by this - so I worked at coming up with a
rationale that would help people WANT to change - by pointing out that it's
in "their OWN best interest" to do so. I said it's not so much that you
"should" change; it's just that it's "smart" to change - if you want to get
what you want. (Most want their spouse to actually "hear" and "understand"
their pain.)

So I had them look at what happens, for instance...
--If you vent your anger, your spouse doesn't hear you because they're too
busy feeling defensive and perhaps even sorry for themselves that they have
to deal with this. (This means they're focusing on THEMSELVES and how
they're being attacked - and are NOT focusing on you and how you feel.)
--If you speak calmly and rationally, your spouse may be able to "hear" you
and feel compassion for you rather than irritation. (This means they can
then focus on YOU and the impact of their behavior on you.)

I acknowledge that it may feel "unfair" for them to try to speak calmly,
but that it's the smart way to take care of themselves and get what they
want. I point out that since their goal is to be heard and understood, they
may want to change their pattern in order to reach that goal. Doing
otherwise means they're sabotaging themselves and their own best interests.

I also make it clear that communicating calmly doesn't mean pretending they
don't HAVE these strong feelings. They can still acknowledge the feelings,
but simply "describe" them rather than "acting them out."

P.S. I have also used T.A. (Transactional Analysis) to help people
communicate from the "Adult" problem-solving part of themselves - rather
than the emotional "Child" or critical "Parent." (Again, this doesn't mean
denying the "child" or "parent" aspects, just that they are filtered
through the "adult" in their communication.)

As with so many aspects of working with couples, all these skills do make a
tremendous difference.
Peggy Vaughan
http://www.dearpeggy.com

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