CBS on again/Pregnancy and Child from Affair -6/04

Sat Jun 26 16:03:27 EDT 2004

subject: CBS on again/Pregnancy and Child from Affair -6/04

from: Smart Marriages®

- ADDING INSTITUTES/BANQUET, ETC
- MARRIAGE SAVERS RESCHEDULED ON CBS MON JULY 28
- PRESS RELEASE 
- CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

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- ADDING INSTITUTES/BANQUET, ETC

If you want to add a training institute, or a banquet, or if there is a
mistake on your badge, contact the registrar at 800-241-7785. Don't contact
me. I don't handle the registrations here in the DC office.  It's all
handled out of Minnesota. - diane

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- MARRIAGE SAVERS RESCHEDULED ON CBS MON JULY 28

> Dear friends of Marriage Savers,
> The feature of my wife and I mentoring a couple, a process that we have
> trained 3,000 other couples to do - has been rescheduled for Monday July 28 at
> 7:40a.m.  However, the producer warns that it could be bumped again if there
> is a significant news event over the weekend.  After four decades in the news
> business, I know that a hard news story will always take precedence over a
> soft one.  - Mike McManus

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- PRESS RELEASE 

> Diane, 
> 
> Will you hand out press releases at the Dallas event? I know you did one in
> Orlando but that may have been because the Fatherhood group met in
> conjunction with Smart Marriages.  I can't remember.  I just know I took one
> home and got a great article in my local paper.  Hope you plan to do this
> again.  I'm excited to be able to attend this year.  I haven't been
> able to make it since Orlando.
> 
> GC 

You will be amazed at our growth since 2001. Turns out a lot of Floridians
are coming.  But people are coming from all over - we've got registrants
from all 50 states.

Yes, we will have press releases available at the conference. Just come ask
for one at the registration desk.  People take them home and use them with
their local newspapers to say that they presented at or participated in the
conference.  Or, you can download it and use it in advance to let your local
media know you're going to represent your community at this
natioanl/international gathering (people attending from over a dozen
countries). The press releases are at www.smartmarriages.com in the bottom
right corner. I KNOW it's way too long, fix it. If you get lucky, share the
article.  See you soon. - diane

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- CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

Here's a question I received about dealing with post-affair couples where
the affair results in a pregnancy and child. I forwarded the question to
Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth who will present "Marriage Enemy
#1: Extramarital Affairs" at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference, Sat/July
10.  Peggy runs a web information clearinghouse - everything you ever wanted
to know about extramarital affairs including a national network of support
groups - the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN). - diane

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>> Dear Diane,
>> 
>> Help! I often see couples in a post-affair crisis. But only rarely have I
>> seen this situation complicated by a pregnancy. Does anyone on your list
>> have suggestions and experience dealing with postaffair couples where the
>> affair results in a pregnancy and child. This of course, adds a whole new
>> set of issues and challenges and makes a difficult situation even more
>> challenging. Thanks in advance.
>> 
>> Bill Rush, Ph.D.
>> www.christianheart.org
>> Minneapolis

> Dear Diane,
> 
> This problem is far more common than most people realize. I've heard from
> many people through the years who have faced this additional complexity in
> dealing with an affair. Since we hear more often about a single "other
> woman" becoming pregnant in an affair with a married man, I'll discuss that
> first. But it also happens that a wife may have an affair that results in a
> pregnancy with the "other man." (More about that later.)
> 
> If it's the husband who has a child from an affair, I've heard from people
> who have dealt with this issue in a number of different ways. For most, the
> attitude was to try to deal with the third party and child similar to the
> way they would deal with an ex and a child from a former marriage. For
> some, they were unable to accommodate this situation and tried to "force" a
> choice. For some wives, the child was the "last straw" (so to speak) and
> they were unable to find a way to resolve the issues surrounding the child,
> so decided to end the marriage. But on the other end of the spectrum, one
> husband and wife even took the child from the affair to raise (after the
> other woman didn't want the child once she didn't get the husband).
> 
> The child, of course, is an innocent party in this whole experience;
> however, since their presence serves as an ongoing reminder of the affair,
> this can understandably making it much more difficult. (Actually, trying to
> expand the considerations to include thinking of what's "best for the
> child" can sometimes lift people out of a very narrow focus only on their
> own personal pain. Also, a joint effort by the husband and wife in trying
> to deal with this enormous challenge can serve to draw them together.)
> 
> We don't hear as often about a wife who had an affair and became pregnant -
> because the husband may never learn of the affair and the wife may act as
> if the child is a child from the marriage. (I personally know two cases
> where this happened - and the husbands to this day don't know the children
> are not their biological offspring.)
> 
> When the husband does know that the child is from an affair... (especially
> if there are other children in the family) there may be acceptance of the
> child into the family if the couple stay married (which, again, happens
> more often than people think). In fact, their concern for the well-being of
> ALL the children often becomes the "glue" that holds the couple together in
> their effort to recover and rebuild.
> 
> There's certainly no simple advice as to how to recover; however, the most
> critical element in the recovery may be the degree to which the husband and
> wife can make a joint effort to face this challenge together and shift
> their focus to the future rather than dwelling on the past. This doesn't
> mean ignoring or denying the reality of what has happened. It just means
> following the guidelines that are generally helpful in recovery.
> 
> If ever there were a situation for which there is no ideal solution, this
> is it. There are no clear/easy answers and nothing about this whole ordeal
> is black and white or written in stone. Since any "solution" is difficult
> because it's so complicated, each person who faces this dilemma needs to
> make their own decision based on all the factors involved in their
> particular situation. And since they are the ones who must live with the
> consequences of the decision, no one else can tell them what to do.
> 
> Hope this helps shed some light on this very complicated situation.
>  
> Peggy Vaughan
> peggy at dearpeggy.com
> http://www.dearpeggy.com

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