Time/Evaluation/Humor/Hot Monogamy/Quirky/Fla/WSJ/Prep-1/04

Smart Marriages ® cmfce at smartmarriages.com
Mon Jan 12 18:10:07 EST 2004

subject: Time/Evaluation/Humor/Hot Monogamy/Quirky/Fla/WSJ/Prep-1/04

from: Smart Marriages [R]


TIME Magazine's special issues on Love and Marriage is finally on the stands
and on their web site at www.time.com. But they've changed their website and
you now have to be a TIME subscriber for access.  Will a subscriber please
send me the articles electronically - the ones on marriage
education/marriage saving?  I'm told it doesn't just include Michele
Weiner-Davis as I'd been led to believe, but also includes PREP, Doherty and
Gottman.  I will get a copy and read it tonight but would love to hear your
comments.   - diane
> Hi Diane,
> Since Reno I have been obsessing on what type of workshop, roundtable or panel
> discussion might best facilitate research with CHMI's.  I know the workshops
> are already assigned, but if there is any room for a roundtable or discussion
> group, I would love to facilitate one.
> With so many CHMI's starting, and many by grassroots initiatives, conducting
> outcome research can be daunting.  It would be nice to have a research
> "package", but the field is just too new and diverse for such a cookie-cutter
> approach.  Therefore, I would like to get folks together for a discussion,
> brainstorming, thought provoking session on conducting research.  I hope that
> this session may lead to something more formatted for the following year.
> Let me know what you think and if it is at all doable this year.
> Jim Burg
Dear Jim, 
You will be delighted to learn that great minds think alike and we
introduced a workshop covering just these issues at the Reno conference.  It
was VERY well-received - in fact so well received, that we're repeating it.

I see that you were in Reno, which proves my next point, that at such a busy
conference, with such a rich program, it's hard to "find" all the sessions.
(Until people attend one, they don't "get it" - how easy things can get lost
in the blur!) 

Which makes my second point for me, that this would make a great poster
session.  If you're interested in pulling this together, see the Poster
application on the web site - click conference then posters.  Posters mean
many more people will see this important info - the posters are up
throughout the conference and you can provide handouts on a take-one table.

If you plan to do this, I  suggest you start by contacting DeMaria and
Gardner for their materials and ideas.  You might also want to check w/ Bill
Coffin at ACF about other research/evaluators and perhaps come up with a
CHMI package that can be sponsored and distributed by the ACF booth.

And, yes, why don't you also plan to lead a discussion table at one - or at
all three Networking Lunches.  Anyone can put their roundtable topic on
ballroom floor plan, get a table sign, and host whatever issue they find
compelling.  Email me back if you plan to do this - which days - Fri, Sat,
Sun lunches? And, I'll put it on the list of lunch interest tables which
will be sent to all attendees in the badge mailing in late June.
"Rita Demaria" PHLPAIRS at aol.com
"Scott Gardner" scott_gardner at sdstate.edu
"Bill Coffin"  bcoffin at acf.hhs.gov

> 517 - Sat afternoon, July 10
> Research & Evaluation: The Basics
> Rita DeMaria, PhD, Scott Gardner, PhD
> Anyone doing marriage education should be tracking results and measuring
> outcome. Learn the basic tools and concepts you need to get started.
 - diane 


One man exclaimed to his friend, "I just had another fight with my

"Oh, yeah?" the friend said. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," he replied, "she came to me on her hands and

His friend looked puzzled. "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she

"I think she said something like, 'Come out from under that bed, you
gutless weasel.'"

Before your conflict escalates to that point, consider trying to solve
your problem creatively. The novel, and sometimes humorous, approach
is often the most effective!

A few years ago, I caught a story on the radio about a Baptist church
that had a problem. It was with the Methodists down the street. Some
Baptists were unable to find a space in their own parking lot because
members of the nearby Methodist church, which met earlier than the
Baptists, got there first. So the Baptist church had a problem.

Now, they could have towed the Methodists' cars away. Or they could
have patrolled their lot Sunday mornings. Or they could have written a
letter to the offending church members imploring them to park
elsewhere. But they didn't.

Instead, they did something else. One Sunday morning they stuck a
bumper sticker to every car in the lot -- Baptist and Methodist alike.
They all got one. The sticker read: "I'm Proud To Be A Baptist!"

No more problem.

Maybe that problem you are confronting will be solved more quickly and
more effectively if you consider a more creative and humorous
approach. What have you got to lose...except your ulcer?

This is from the free Life Support e-list newsletter, subscribe at:


To celebrate Marriage Week USA and Valentine¹s Day, HOT MONOGAMY, the
weekend workshop for couples is being offered by Susan Townsend at IFE, Feb
7 & 8, in Towson, MD.  In this program, created by Pat Love, participants
learn to communicate their sexual needs and desires openly and honestly and
to create more intimacy, passion and fun in the bedroom and in their
marriages. For info: (410)825-2332 or www.familyed.org.  To read a wonderful
first-person account written by a workshop participant, go to
http://www.smartmarriages.com/hotmonogamy.html or find the article on the
Smart Marriages articles page by searching for Hot Monogamy.  Pat Love and
Susan Townsend will both present at the Dallas 2004 Smart Marriages
conference!  - diane


> Hi Diane,
> As a late 20-something single, I agree with you.  I read this article last
> week and visited the QuirkyAlone site...ugh!  Left a bitter taste in MY mouth!
> I'm happy being single, and am pretty content, but refuse to deny that I would
> love to have a man to share my life with.  I think the denial is what's making
> these QuirkyAlone types cranky, not just quirky.  <g>  It's all right being
> single, really, but...the website, if you've not already been there, is quite
> interesting.  Sour grapes isn't the half of it!
> Coldness is such an attractive quality, isn't it...?  lol
> Jennifer
> Kaimannaa at cs.com


(And, someday we'll have these meetings in EVERY state. - diane)

The Commission on Marriage and Family Support Initiatives announces a
two-day strategic planning meeting to which all persons are invited to

Friday, Jan 30, 8:30 a.m., Sat Jan 31,  9 a.m.
Radisson Hotel Orlando at the Entrance to Universal Studios, 5780 Major
Boulevard, Orlando, FL 32819

GENERAL SUBJECT MATTER TO BE CONSIDERED: 1) Planning session to transform
Florida Statute 383.0115 into a strategic plan, 2) Other business at the
call of the chair. You may view Florida Statute 383.0115 by visiting
www.leg.state.fl.us <http://www.leg.state.fl.us>

For copy of the agenda and more information write or call the commission
office at 111 North Gadsden Street, Suite 200, Tallahassee, FL 32301-1507 or
(850) 488-4952 x135 (Voice).

Matthew Munyon, Executive Director
Commission on Marriage & Family Support Initiatives
(850) 488-4952 ext. 133
mmunyon at ounce.org



Hi, It's not fair if I have all the fun so I'm sharing several of the emails
I received that were inspired by the Wall St Journal article that appeared
Thurs, Jan 8.  If you missed the original article, read it at:

This one led to LOTS of requests for info and lots of additional press
- diane  

> To: <cmfce at smartmarriages.com>
> Subject: Nip it in the bud
> I just read an article in the Wall Street Journal.  "Can this
> Marriage Be Saved? Therapy doesn't always provide the Answers" which
> prompted me to log on your website.
> I'm a 55 yr. old female, two grown kids.  Financially solvent, own home.
> XX is a 50 yr old male, married once, many years ago, no kids.  We
> have been dating 2 years and would like to work towards marriage, which is
> the problem.  XX doesn't think he's marriage material..which totally
> contradicts how he felt a year ago. We are both confused, hence therapy,
> trying to figure out why he has changed so.
> The therapist we are seeing focuses on individual grievances and encourages
> us to bicker in the sessions. She feels there are anger issues (how we
> process anger or rather don't handle the anger) because we mentioned we
> never fight. I walk away almost in tears, extremely frustrated and full of
> stress to the point where I can't sleep.  Every session gets worse. I don't
> know if this a normal part of the process but it surely doesn't help the
> situation?
> XX feels she turns his words around, placing negative thoughts in my head
> thereby initiating conflict between us. We are thinking about looking for an
> alternative form of therapy, maybe even a class or seminar that focuses on
> us as a couple, rather our individual petty grievances using a more positive
> approach.
> With what I've told you about our age, background, etc., can you suggest a
> class, or individual therapy that might benefit out situation more?
> RD 
> Dear RD,
> This is exactly what doesn't happen in a marriage education class - and
> exactly what you don't need, In a class, you'll learn skills to express
> issues, accentuate the positive, identify and work on goals, self-regulate and
> approach conflicts that surface - all in a whole new way. You'll learn to
> manage conflicts and you'll find that when you know you can manage them
> yourselves and that it's normal to have disagreements in any loving
> relationship, they're not so scary and they'll surface on their own.
> I don't know where you're located, but suggest you visit the
> www.smartmarriages.com website.  Click on "Directory - Find a Class" and
> search for a program in your area or attend one in a fun location that you can
> turn into a "relationship vacation" - how about Maui?  Or, NYC? There are many
> options, many great classes.  Visit the program Headquarters offices and click
> on their web sites to find more options.  For your particular "stuck" place,
> I'm think the PAIRS Jumpstart Program, might be a great beginning - though
> Couple Communication, Relationship Enhancement - any number of them would also
> be just what you need to get moving.
> Attending just a one-day program like PAIRS Jumpstart would help you get over
> the hump - learning to use the PAIRS Dialogue Wheel and the Daily Temperature
> Reading - would be a big help.  PAIRS JUMPSTART "teaches the fundamental
> relationship skills of Confiding, Complaining, Clarifying, and Concluding
> (reaching resolution together)."  It's billed as a launching point for
> "resolving relationship tangles and fostering intimacy".  Sounds like just the
> place for you.  PAIRS has a whole set of classes, I'd suggest you two would
> benefit from all of them - start with Jumpstart and then work your way through
> them to create the relationship (and marriage!) of your dreams.  You can go
> directly to their website at www.pairs.com
> And/or, attend the Smart Marriages conference in July in Dallas. Many couples
> attend - and come back every year and say it's now their
> marriage-strengthening tradition. That their marriages were in trouble and now
> in great shape and they wouldn't miss it.   All the programs are offered at
> the conference and you can sample them all - "shop" - in one place.
> Send your address if you'd like a conference brochure.
> Diane Sollee

- - - - 
> Diane, 
> I am sure you are being swamped with emails due to the Wall Street Journal
> article today, but I am really hoping that you can help me and my spouse. We
> have been married for a little over nine years, have two children (5 and 3),
> and both have fairly intensive careers.
> We have been looking for a reaffirming, tool building type of course to take
> or someone to see for a few sessions.  We do not believe there any ³problems²
> with our marriage, but we also recognize that both sets of our parents and
> both sets of my grandparents did not think they had problems either.  If
> divorce was genetic ­ we would be in really big trouble.  What our family
> experiences have given us is a certainty that they would not make us take a
> vow ³for better or worse² if worse was a hang nail for a couple of days.
> Realistically, if we are like the rest of the human race, we will go through
> some tough times and we want to be prepared with constructive tools and ways
> of communicating to get through it.  (I think we did pretty well when we were
> BOTH laid off within 12 months after 9/11/01 ­ but you can always be even
> better at coping together and laying strategies for dealing with the
> unexpected.)
> Do you have any suggestions on where we might turn?  We have just heard awful
> things about therapist sessions being geared towards hopeless cases rather
> than affirming and building.  Do you have any resources that we might tap??
> HT
You're so good to get proactive and to realize that while there might not be
a divorce gene, there are divorce attitudes and behaviors, and you two
probably had the misfortune to pick up some of these.

There are great courses and that's what I strongly recommend. Get a sitter
(leave the kids with Gramma - she'll probably cheer you on!) and take a
weekend "marriage vacation" that includes a course and start building your
marriage muscles, smarts and passion.  Where do you live?  Have you checked
the Directory of Programs at smartmarriages.com?  I think it's a good idea
to try several of them, one each year on your anniversary. You never know
which one will ring your bells - teach it "just right" for your learning
style.   And/or, come to the Smart Marriages conference in Dallas in July -
all the programs in one place to sample and couples love it.  It's nice to
get "that glow".  Just come and soak up the latest or, while you're there,
train and become marriage educators - one sure way to stay strong in
algebra, is to teach it!

Diane Sollee


Three Day PREP Instructor Training
March 17-19
 Alabama Cooperative Extension System, in Opelika, Alabama (80 miles south
of Atlanta, GA).   
Tuition: $475.00 per person, if you register before Jan. 30th. After
Jan. 30th $500.00 per person (to expedite shipping of materials). The
couple rate is $625.00 per couple if you register before Jan. 30th.
After Jan. 30th, $650.00 per couple (to expedite shipping of materials).
Couple rate includes one full set of materials and one extra PREP Leader
Presenter: Dr. Scott M. Stanley
Contact and Registration: Lisa Ditchkoff - (334) 502-1133 (office); &
(334) 329-8288 (cell); and (334) 520-1133 (fax)
Email: pepslisa at charter.net  For details: http://www.aces.edu/users/adlerfm

COMMENT FROM DIANE SOLLEE: I know I'll be asked, so I want to point out that
his is a good deal, and is close to the rate you can take the training at
the Smart Marriages conference 3-day PREP training on July 6, 7, 8 in
Dallas.  In Dallas, it will be $375 pp or $650 per couple. In Dallas, you'll
be trained by Scott Stanley and Howard Markman and can also include the
Christian-PREP option training as part of the 3-day institute.

But even if you plan to attend Smart Marriages, it's a great idea attend
this PREP training in Jan in Alabama and free yourself up to take one of 16
other marriage ed program training Institutes in Dallas! The more the
marrier! I highly recommend it.  To see the complete list of pre and post
conference training institutes, go to
 - diane 


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