Richmond/Northwest/Nashvile/NY/Black & Refugee/OK-2/04

[Smart Marriages ®]

subject: Richmond/Northwest/Nashvile/NY/Black & Refugee/OK-2/04

from: Smart Marriages®

- CELEBRATE MARRIAGE RICHMOND 2004 REPORT
- NEARLYWED OR NEWLYWED IN THE NORTHWEST
- NASHVILLE COMMUNITY HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE
- GROWING IN LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER: GROWING IN LOVE WITH GOD
- C-SPAN: STRENGTHENING THE BLACK FAMILY
- REFUGEE MARRIAGE CELEBRATIONS
- OKLAHOMA EMBRACES PRO-MARRIAGE EXPERIMENT

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- CELEBRATE MARRIAGE RICHMOND 2004 REPORT

> (We all read with fascination the ambitious plans of this initiative.  How
> wonderful to read a report on its success.  I'm grinning like I was there.
> Bravo Richmond!!   - diane)
 
Celebrate Marriage Richmond was a very successful broad based community wide
event Feb 6-14, clearly accomplishing our stated mission:  ³To celebrate and
promote healthy marriages in our communities²  Through various media
opportunities, we presented a very positive image of the importance of
healthy marriages for husbands and wives, for children, and for our
community.  The majority of the region¹s population was touched in some way
by this event.  We also provided a number of practical educational
opportunities to learn healthy relationship skills for singles, couples and
for professional counselors.
 
A summary of the activities is listed below:
 
·        Celebrate Marriage Banquet: ³Keeping Love Alive² with Michelle
Weiner-Davis attended by 394 people including Lt. Gov. Tim Kaine and a
representative of Richmond City Council who made brief presentations.  We
honored the winner of the Smoothest Marriage Essay contest and the
longest/most recent marriages at the banquet: 64 years/2 months. Many prizes
were presented including five nice weekend or overnight hotel packages and
many fine restaurant and other gift certificates from over 35 corporate
donors and five major co-sponsors.  Universally excellent feedback.

·        For Psychologists & Counselors: Divorce Busting Skills workshop
with Michelle Weiner-Davis attended by over 83 participants with excellent
post training feedback.

·        Capital Steps Proclamations & Public Awareness event with Lt Gov
Tim Kaine presenting the Governor¹s Proclamation of Marriage Week and a
Re-Signing of the Community Marriage Policy by Clergy and Community Leaders
attended by about 80 including a group of high school students and several
media.  A representative of the City Mayor¹s office also presented a
Richmond City Proclamation as well.

·        Faith Leader¹s Forum with Maggie Gallagher attended by about 80.

·        Financial Strategies for Successful Marriage with 19 participants.

·        Social Services Training for entire Henrico County DSS Staff o, the
importance of Healthy Marriage as Public Policy and education strategies
that work as part of our funded Healthy Marriage Initiative joint Grant.

·        Singles Workshop: ³How to PICK a Partner² by Dr John Van Epp author
of How to ³Avoid Marrying a Jerk² attended by over 150 participants with
excellent post training feedback.

·        High Schools:  Arrangements in Richmond, Henrico and Chesterfield
were made to make available the brochure: ³Ten Things Teens Should Know
about Marriage²

·        News & Media: Several related news and local magazine articles
describing the overall and various individual events.

·        Radio advertising, interviews and awarding the Smoothest Marriage
in Richmond essay contest.
 
Feedback has been universally laudatory with the request that Celebrate
Marriage Richmond be an annual event!   Marriage Builders Alliance of
Richmond is single mindedly bringing together community organizations and
resources to provide practical information based upon the well documented
benefits of healthy marriages. And, we are effectively making the much
needed real skills available to the many married and couples considering
marriage in our community.
 
The need is clear and we are unified in our mission.  Our next step will be
to help launch ³First Things First of Greater Richmond² in 2004: ³Dedicated
to strengthening families through education, collaboration and
mobilization.²
 
Special thanks to all our Volunteers, Organizing Committee, and Board of
Directors, local media, donors and especially our event Co-sponsors( Ukrops,
First Market, Equity Concepts, Chick-fil-a, and Richmond City) who
collectively invested many hundreds of hours to make this community event a
great success!
 
Bob Ruthazer, CFLE (& Dianne)
(804)282-9763 ext-13     www.celebrate-marriage.org
############################

- NEARLYWED OR NEWLYWED IN THE NORTHWEST?

> 12th Annual Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS)
> Drs Les and Leslie Parrott
> Sat April 3, 9am-4pm
> Seattle Pacific University
> EARLY REGISTRATION by March 1
> Call 206-281-2543 for more info or to register
> 
> A day filled with humor and fresh insight. Couples leave equipped with a
> "toolbox" of skills needed to build a marriage that will last a lifetime.
> As a unique part of the SYMBIS program, each couple may join the
> Marriage Mentor Club to be linked with a seasoned couple who will help
> them build a solid foundation and serve as mentors through their early
> married years.

I highly recommend this course. I also recommend taking the Parrot's
workshop (Sat July 10) at the Dallas conference to learn how to replicate
this SYMBIS event in your community.  They've made it easy and provide
everything you need to teach the program in one box.  They'll also answer
your questions and provide guidance at their exhibit on getting a SYMBIS
program going in your congregation or town.  - diane

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- NASHVILLE COMMUNITY HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE

> Nashville Community Healthy Marriage Initiative Breakfast
> March 5, 7:30-9AM, Madison Church of Christ/Madison, TN
 
> Participate in a dialog regarding a Healthy Marriage Initiative for our city.
> Family Life Office (615) 860-3250 for info or to RSVP.

#########################

 - GROWING IN LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER: GROWING IN LOVE WITH GOD
> Weekend Retreat for Married Couples to renew marriage spiritually and
> review marriage skills.
> 
> March 12--14, 2004
> Derby, New York
> Presenters:  Bridget Brennan and Jerry Shen
> For info: 716-947-4708

BTW, I just went over the Dallas program with a caller who asked about
marriage and spirituality workshops.  Examples include (but certainly are
not limited to): Pat Love: The Essence of Marriage; Harville Hendrix and
Helen Hunt: Couplehood as a Spiritual Path; Barbara Markey: BRIDGE - Sharing
Spirituality in Marriage; UNITAS: Keeping Couples Connected to Each Other &
Their Church; Sacred Sex; Christian PAIRS; Christian PREP, etc. - diane
#####################
- C-SPAN: STRENGTHENING THE BLACK FAMILY
> The National Partnership for Community Leadership (NPCL) is proud to inform
> you that Dr. Jeffery M. Johnson, President and CEO, is a guest panelist on a
> symposium presented by Tavis Smiley and co-hosted by Tom Joyner.  The
> "Strengthening the Black Family: Preserving the African American Imprint on
> America" symposium marks the Fifth Anniversary of conversations on the African
> American community and will be televised live on C-SPAN beginning at 8am
> (EST) on Sat, Feb 2.  Topics that will be discussed include:
> 
> 
 Upholding the Institution of Marriage
> 
 The Benefits of Two-Parent Households
> 
 How Unwed Parents Must Work Together for the Benefit of Their Children
> 
 The Impact of Economics on the Family
> 
 Education, Health and Spirituality
> 
> Among the noteworthy brain trusts contributing to the discussions will be Dr.
> David Satcher, Dr. Ben Carson, Dr. Cornel West, Bishop Vashti McKenzie, Marva
> Collins, Dr. Michael Eric Dyson, Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu, Congresswoman Sheila
> Jackson-Lee, Reverend Al Sharpton, and Susan Taylor.
> 
> Don¹t miss this important event!  Dr. Johnson will be on the 8:30 - 11:30 a.m.
> panel. Tune into C-SPAN and give him your feedback at jjohnson at npcl.org.
##########################
- REFUGEE MARRIAGE CELEBRATIONS

Hello Diane,

I am writing in response to the question on the list about celebrating
Valentine's Day in the refugee culture. As we live in this new society which
is our new home for our children, it is OK for refugee couples to learn and
borrow those positive cultural values to be implemented in their new
culture. What we need to have in mind while teaching classes is the fact
that "We are looking to adapting to this culture in an appropriate and
effective manner". On February 7 as part of Marriage Week, I held a session
covering topics such as: Why Marriage Education Matters to Refugees and
introduced activities on good memories of their marriages. The participants'
interactions were fantastic. They were reminded that Valentine's time is
very crucial in this culture so they know what to expect. Refugees will also
learn cultural aspects from friends, teachers and neighbors.  On March 20,
we are celebrating "Refugee Marriage Anniversary Day". Many refugee cultures
do not celebrate their anniversaries but we thought it would be great to
borrow that beautiful value and use it in our communities in order to
strengthen the relationships they are currently in. At that occasion they
will have fun activities, those who still have a memory (picture, clothing,
other items...) of their weddings will have a time for display. Then they
will generally share about the cultures of weddings in different countries
as well as the values put forth. If our means allow for a possibility of
rewarding couples who have been together quite a while we will do it.  Hope
this gives idea to those working with refugees how things are workable but
with different approaches. Thanks.
 
Jeanne Nizigiyimana
Strengthening Refugee Families and Marriages
Catholic Social Service
Phoenix, AZ 

######################
- OKLAHOMA EMBRACES PRO-MARRIAGE EXPERIMENT
HoustonChronicle.com -- http://www.HoustonChronicle.com | Section: National
Feb. 22, 2004, 1:18AM

Oklahoma embraces pro-marriage experiment
Divorce rate one of highest in country
By KIM COBB 
Copyright 2004 Houston Chronicle

DIVORCE: UP AND DOWNS
 U.S. divorce rate has more than doubled since 1960, but has declined
somewhat since hitting a high of 5.3 per 1,000 residents per year in the
early 1980s: 

Nationwide 1990 ... 4.7
1995 ... 4.4 
2000 ... 4.1 
2001 ... 4.0 
2002 ... 4.0 

Texas 1990 ... 5.5 
1995 ... 5.3 
2000 ... 3.9 
2001 ... 3.9 
2002 ... 3.9 

Source: U.S. National Center for Health Statistics. Analysts warn that state
divorce data is not collected regularly and may be inconsistent.
 
OKLAHOMA CITY -- An affectionate tangle of arms, shared whispers and
youthful optimism, Sheli Wright and Daniel Biggs were sitting so close to
each other that they could have shared a chair.

Denise and Alonzo Jenkins were sitting side by side, too, but apart in many
of the ways that count. Timeworn and uneasy, they aren't sure their seven
years of marriage will lead to eight.

Both couples recently joined Oklahoma's grand government experiment in
marriage promotion, aimed at cutting one of the highest state divorce rates
in the country. They will meet weekly with about a dozen other people for
six weeks, hoping to unravel clues on what keeps two people together over
the long haul. 

It's the kind of program President Bush wants Congress to budget $1.2
billion for over the next five years.

But can government succeed at what has traditionally occurred in the
confines of a counselor's office? Should it even try?

Denise Jenkins thinks it's worth a shot, explaining, "I really don't want to
be a statistic in Oklahoma."

The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative is based on a marriage support program
developed by the University of Denver -- nuts and bolts lessons from trained
counselors on listening and communication skills, setting priorities and
learning to manage conflict.

Oklahoma is offering its courses free to anyone who is interested. The Bush
plan is aimed at marriage promotion among the nation's poor.

The 1996 welfare reforms allowed states to use some of their welfare funds
for sexual abstinence and marriage promotion programs, aiming to reduce the
number of children living in single-parent homes.

Most states were too busy trying to meet the mandate to trim welfare rolls
and provide child care for mothers ordered to work. Only a handful have
taken on the job of marriage promotion, and Oklahoma's approach is by far
the most ambitious.

In this plainspoken state dominated by small towns and bedrock values, 32
percent of adults have been divorced compared with 21 percent nationally.

For Oklahomans married 10 years or less, the median age at first marriage
was 22 for women and 24 for men -- about 2 1/2 years younger than the
national median. Also, the state is burdened with higher-than-average
poverty rates -- a combination that social scientists believe fuels the
divorce rate here. 

Divorce is a costly societal burden -- typically a quick ticket to poverty
for women, a financial drain for men and an often insurmountable obstacle to
success for their children. In recent years states such as Florida, Arizona
and Louisiana have begun testing programs ranging from required marriage
training in public high schools, vouchers to send low-income couples to
marriage courses and covenant marriages that make it harder for couples to
divorce. 

In Texas, the attorney general's aggressive pursuit of fathers who refused
to pay child support has evolved into programs that teach responsible
parenting and help fathers find jobs. As a result, the agency now is also
providing curriculum materials for public high schools to teach the
challenges of single parenting and the benefits of being married before
having a child. 

Texas has no large-scale publicly funded marriage counseling program.

Government-sponsored intervention in marriage is a troubling concept for
many people. A March 2002 survey by the Pew Foundation found that nearly
eight in 10 Americans prefer that the government stay out of programs to
encourage people to get and stay married.

But in Oklahoma, a 2001 survey showed that 85 percent of the state's
residents liked the idea of a state program to promote marriage and reduce
divorce. Sixty-six percent said they'd consider taking the course.

Former Gov. Frank Keating, a Republican, pledged $10 million in surplus
welfare funds nearly four years ago toward the goal of cutting Oklahoma's
divorce rate to a third of its current level by 2010. Almost 12,000 people
have completed the Oklahoma training since the first course was offered in
January 2002. 

Many of the marriage programs the Bush administration admires have a
religious component, which raises concerns about maintaining the line
between church and state.

In Oklahoma, participants can choose from secular or Christian marriage
training. At the onset of the marriage campaign, Keating asked clergy to
sign the Oklahoma Marriage Covenant, pledging they would require couples to
undergo a four-to-six month period of marriage preparation.

Barry Lynn, director of Americans for Separation of Church and State, agrees
that houses of worship should have something to say about marriage.

"But that's no reason to encourage them to run religious programs on the
taxpayers' dime," he said.

Most of the people attending the recent Monday evening session with the
Jenkinses were recruited by a fellow church member for the series of secular
workshops. Denise Jenkins' faith was clearly a factor in sending her to
marriage training, even in a secular setting.

"When you know you are a Christian, it's hard to say, `OK, I'm going to
dissolve my marriage, and it's going to be over,' " she said, her eyes
glistening. 

She's tired of fighting battles she thinks the couple should have resolved
long ago. One of their biggest marital hurdles is her two sons by another
man, she said -- teenagers who still don't fully accept having Alonzo
Jenkins in their home.

College students Wright, 19, and Biggs, 20, arrived without any heavy
emotional burdens. They learned about the program at Southern Nazarene
University, and while they plan to marry, they haven't told their parents
yet. 

"A lot of young people get married because they have to -- pregnancy," Biggs
said. "Not us. My dad's a doctor."

Wright's parents went through pre-marriage counseling, and, according to the
psychology major, "They've been married for, like, 25 years."

Most of the participants in the session were not couples but single women
hoping to learn the ropes in advance of marriage. Program organizers think
that's fine, and the state also offers marriage training to mothers
receiving Temporary Aid To Needy Families funds, hoping to teach them how to
seek out appropriate marriage partners.

They started with word games -- ice breakers designed to help the
participants pick out their own personality strengths and weaknesses as well
as to illustrate how other people saw them. They watched videos of couples
engaged in brutal verbal battles, then took turns explaining what the
couples had done wrong.

By the end of the evening, the Jenkinses were laughing with the rest of the
group, but Alonzo Jenkins was also thinking about what he could have learned
if he'd witnessed a happy marriage growing up.

"I think the best example here is a mother and a father, grandmas and
grandpas," he said. "Mine are deceased, but my father and mother were never
together, so I have a precedent of negative relationships."

But he's not giving in to his family history.

"I've geared myself to saying no, I'm not going to go through no divorce."

Even proponents say it could take 10 to 15 years to determine if programs
like the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative work.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stopped collecting detailed
state-by-state data on divorce in the mid-1990s. What the states and
individual counties choose to report now is often inconsistent.

Wade Horn, the assistant secretary for the Administration of Children, Youth
and Families in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Service, is
sometimes called Bush's "marriage guru."

"Let's challenge the idea that this is different," Horn said. "Let's compare
it to parenting education. I'm a child psychologist, and we provide through
the public sector access to parenting education all the time, and nobody
thinks this is a terrible thing to do."

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