Hispanic Marriage/Bridal Shows/prayer/scorned/Harems - 8/04

[Smart Marriages ®]

subject: Hispanic Marriage/Bridal Shows/prayer/scorned/Harems - 8/04


- LATINO/HISPANIC HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE RESOURCE SURVEY
- TARGETING PROSPECTIVE BRIDES
- RESEARCH
- MARRIAGE SAVERS ON JON STEWART....
- SENATOR STEVE DILLE'S PRAYER
- SCORNED/HAREMS
- COMMENTARY ON DIVORCE EDUCATION
###################
- LATINO/HISPANIC HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE RESOURCE SURVEY

> Dear Diane,
> I am gathering information on resources for the Hispanic Healthy Marriage
> Initiative workgroup. I have information on many curricula that have Spanish
> editions, but would like to identify any marriage education programs that are
> actually being used with Latino/Hispanic couples and/or about any programs
> that are not necessarily in Spanish, but are designed specifically for
> Latino/Hispanic marriages. If any such classes/services/programs exist,
> please send information.
> Lewissa Swanson
> lswanson at acf.hhs.gov or at 206-615-2573
> Family Life and Marriage Program Specialist

Please also copy me. - diane

#######################
- TARGETING PROSPECTIVE BRIDES

> Diane,
> We were able to share the need to start building a marriage before the
> wedding day with prospective brides through investing in a booth at our
> local Portland Bridal Show. The gift of a rose to each soon-to-be bride gave
> us entree to share comments and literature. When the 864 roses ran out we
> had a significantly harder sell. Mothers of prospective brides were very
> appreciative. It was a very special weekend.
> Tom & Elizabeth Dressel
> Every Marriage Matters, Inc.
> Encouragers of the Clackamas County Marriage Policy
> Oregon City, OR
> www.EveryMarriageMatters.org

What a lovely idea. Did a florist co-sponsor? They certainly have a vested
interest in brides. - diane
####################

> - RESEARCH
>
>> Diane, Thanks for posting the Blankenhorn & Sylvester article that corrects
>> the misperception that there is an increase in divorce in long-marriages. I
>> may be attributing a quote to the wrong person but I believe it was Donald
>> Regan of the Ronald Reagan White House who said, "Torture the numbers long
>> enough and they'll say anything you want them to." More articles using
>> statistics need to be challenged by the measures of social science. Henry L.
>> Renn,LMFT,
>> Lancaster, PA.

#####################
- MARRIAGE SAVERS ON JON STEWART....
> Dear Diane,
> The Jon Stewart "Daily Show" has postponed airing its segment of Harriet and
> me opposing divorce.com websites till after the Republican Convention. It is
> tentatively scheduled for Monday Sept. 6.
>
> We look forward to it with a sense of trepidation. While we presented our case
> fairly well, we know most of what we said is likely to end up on the cutting
> room floor. However, we thought it important to speak to Jon Stewart's
> audience, even though there will be some laughs at our expense.
>
> Michael J. McManus
> Co-Founder, President
> Marriage Savers
> marriagesavers.org

I'll try to let the list know when to look for this one. I'm setting my TIVO
to record them all - don't want to miss this one! - diane

###################
- SENATOR STEVE DILLE'S PRAYER

Many of you asked for the prayer Minnesota State Senator Steve Dille
presented at the opening session of the Dallas Smart Marriages conference.
Sen Dille received the Smart Marriages Impact Award for his sustained
leadership in the marriage education/marriage strengthening legislative
arena. He's also a farmer and a veterinarian. - diane

Give us the wisdom that is symbolized by the owl
The common sense of the horse, sometimes known as horse sense.
Give us the speed of the leopard, the working habits of the beaver.

Give us the longevity of the giant tortoise
The playfulness of the squirrels
And the loyalty and devotion of the domestic dog.

And please give us the courage of the lion
But the gentleness of a lamb.

Give us the patience of an old draft horse
But the determination of a mule.

As we deal with each others,
Give us the listening ability of the deer
And the lifelong commitment of a bonded male and female Canadian
goose.

Give us the strong desire and capacity to love
And care for each other.

Show us the way to good health, to happiness, to success,
And to spiritual fulfillment.

This we pray especially for those attending the Smart Marriages/Happy
Families Conference, but also for all couples and families everywhere.
Amen

######################
- SCORNED/HAREMS

> Dear Diane,
> I received your posting of the top ten tapes from your conference. I see that
> "How Can I Forgive You?" by Spring is among them. I'd already ordered it at
> your suggestion. It might be helping although I think I'm more upset tonight
> than I was six months ago but that's because the indignities of the separation
> agreement are almost worse than the pain of discovering the infidelity, but
> I'm writing because I want to share this story my sister emailed me because
> it's helping just as much as anything. Wish I'd seen it SOONER or had been a
> little more clever and a little less devastated. I don't know if you post
> things like this on your list or what you think of me for finding comfort in
> it. If you do share it, please don't include my name but maybe this will give
> some other woman (or man) at least a chuckle. Maybe that tape you recommended
> about 'acceptance' will make more sense as time goes on. Right now the person
> that wrote this little "scorned" story is my friend - someone who understands
> me. I'm also attaching another article sent to me about how divorce in this
> country is like a harem for men but not for wives. It sent me in a different
> direction and you probably shouldn't share it, it sent me down, down, down. -
> XXXXXXXX

>> Beware of a woman scorned!!!
>>
>> She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
>> suitcases.
>>
>> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
>>
>> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
>> room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on
>> a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
>>
>> When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few
>> half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain
>> rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>>
>> When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
>> first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything;
>> cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead
>> rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
>>
>> Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had
>> to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the
>> expensive wool carpeting.
>>
>> Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to
>> work in the house...The maid quit...
>>
>> Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
>>
>> A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
>> find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the
>> local Realtors refused to return their calls.
>>
>> Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
>> new place.
>>
>> The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the
>> saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed
>> her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
>> in exchange for getting the house back...
>>
>> Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price
>> that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were
>> to sign the papers that very day.
>>
>> She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
>>
>> A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched
>> the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... ...including
>> the curtain rods. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU???
>>
> Divorce: The New Harem
> By Amanda Baker
> Aug 25, 2004
> Harems are illegal in most of the world in these modern times. In the muslim
> community you can have up to four wives as long as you can support them
> equally. I find that divorce is a modern equivelent to a harem. Divorce allows
> a man to legally own multiple women. The first wife is exclusively his. Then
> he can divorce her, to remarry another woman to be exclusively his. He can
> have multiple children in the confines of marriage, just like in a harem men
> can have multiple children with different women. In some Muslim countries, now
> men are starting to divorce thier first wives, because it is cheaper not to
> keep multiple wives. It may well be LESS moral to have a divorce than to have
> multiple wives. If you support your first wife and your children in the
> standard they are used to, it is better than just abandoning them for some
> newer, younger wife. Yes, divorce allows the first wife to remarry but how
> many actually do? Men remarry more than women. This is because of perception,
> man is more stable in his job when he is older and can attract a younger woman
> that craves security. A divorced woman is considered used goods. Men need
> younger women because of the need to produce as many offspring as possible.
> Harems are seductive. The idea of being a man who can attract multiple women
> is a male fantasy, constantly brought up in popular entertainment. Men want to
> be wanted. Lets call divorce what it really is, a modern harem. That really
> only beniefits men.

#######################
- COMMENTARY ON DIVORCE EDUCATION
> Diane,
>
> I read with great interest the portion of your newsletter on "Divorce
> Classes". I think the idea of having people in divorce cases go to a class is
> a good idea. There is one thing, however, that infuriates me. The article
> said:
>
> "Here's a question. Suppose you are going through a divorce and your child
> says, "I'm sad and I wish you and Daddy were back together." What do you
> say? It might be tempting to say, "We will have lots of fun together and are
> better off without him." It would also be tempting to say, "Don't blame me.
> It's all your dad's fault."
> However, we learn and practice a better response: "I know how you feel."
> This response is simple and direct. It acknowledges your child's emotions
> and does not place blame. It also indirectly invites your child to tell you
> more. Unfortunately, in the real world, many parents yield to temptation
> instead."
>
> The primary focus of these classes seems to be to avoid any discussion of
> responsibility for the marriage ending. Who are they protecting, the children
> or the walkaway spouses! I agree that the details of parental disagreement
> are not good for children. I also agree that children should be encouraged to
> love even walkaway spouses. The children are naturally angry. Perhaps if
> their natural anger were to take a natural and loving course more unilateral
> marriage terminators would change their minds. This "hide the ball" course of
> action keeps the kids in the dark and teaches them that divorce is normal and
> allright. Constance Ahrons in her new book states that the kids are usually
> happy that their parents were divorced. Like most fraud victims, they do
> believe that because of the willful concealment demanded by courts. What if
> the kids were told, "Mon/dad is not here because he refuses to be here. I've
> asked him/her to stay." What if older kids are told, "Modern researchers are
> finding ways to solve these problems but mom/dad refuses to listen." They of
> course should also be told, "You're love for your mom/dad should be
> unconditional; if you stop loving him/her you are doing to him/her the same
> thing they are doing in refusing to love."
>
> I think these classes are organized and run by the heavy hitters of the
> "divorce machine". By this I mean the countless divorce lawyers and
> therapists that profit hansomely from divorce litigation. The truth is that
> concealment is like lying. I don't think the supporters of the 80% of divorce
> petitioners who unilaterally institute divorces against loyal spouses' wills
> are interested in the truth; they are interested in making bad look like good.
>
> Blair K. Drazic
> Attorney at Law

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