Divorce - Cuban, Muslim & British Styles - 8/04

[Smart Marriages ®]

subject: Divorce - Cuban, Muslim & British Styles - 8/04



- DIVORCE IN ISLAND NATION IS AS EASY AS A TRIP TO THE NOTARY PUBLIC
- MUSLIM WOMEN FIGHT INSTANT DIVORCE
- WHAT ABOUT ME?: DIVORCE CLASSES IN UK
- QUIZ YOURSELF ON LIFE AFTER DIVORCE

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- DIVORCE IN ISLAND NATION IS AS EASY AS A TRIP TO THE NOTARY PUBLIC
BY TRACEY EATON
The Dallas Morning News
Aug. 04, 2004

> Some critics say the divorce rate, which is slightly lower than that of the
> United States, is a symptom of a failed social and economic system. Others say
> divorces have skyrocketed everywhere, including in the United States.

HAVANA - (KRT) - When Yanet Vazquez finally decided to end her marriage, she
and her soon-to-be ex-husband strolled into a notary public's office,
plunked down $4 and were blissfully divorced in 20 minutes.

"It was quick and easy," said Vazquez, 31, a cashier.

Indeed, getting unhitched in Cuba is about as cheap and effortless as it
gets, experts say. The country's liberal divorce laws also fuel one of the
world's highest divorce rates.

"For every 100 marriages in Cuba, there are almost 70 divorces. It's
alarming," said Maria Benitez, a demographics specialist and author of the
2003 book "The Cuban Family."

The island's severe housing shortage forces many people to live with their
in-laws and other relatives, straining even the best of marriages. Economic
conditions also create tension that drives many couples apart, Benitez said.

Some Cubans change spouses every few years.

"I've split up three times already," said Jose Rivero, 40, a musician. "I
spent seven years with the first woman, five with the second and eight with
the third."

Pope John Paul II, during his 1998 visit to Cuba, criticized the high number
of divorces there. Church officials continue to worry about the problem and
declared this the "Year of the Family." They're planning a national meeting
at the end of 2004 to discuss ways to address divorce and other societal
maladies.

"Divorce is a great ill," Jaime Ortega, the church's cardinal in Havana,
told followers at a Sunday Mass.

Some critics say the divorce rate, which is slightly lower than that of the
United States, is a symptom of a failed social and economic system. Others
say divorces have skyrocketed everywhere, including in the United States.

Despite it all, the Cuban family is strong and united, said Patria Olano
Navarrete, who has officiated at thousands of Cuban weddings over more than
30 years.

"The tradition of getting married is the same as always," said Olano,
director of the Palace of Marriages in Havana, where hundreds of couples get
married every year.

"Parents bring their children here to get married," Olano said. "Some tell
me, `Remember us? We were married here 20 years ago.'"

As she spoke, a bride in a white dress swept by, her would-be husband not
far behind.

In Cuba, girls can get married at 14 and boys at 16 with their parents'
consent. Those who marry young are particularly vulnerable to marital
problems, Benitez said.

Cuba's high divorce rate has touched even dictator Fidel Castro. More than a
decade before the 1959 revolution, Castro married Mirta Diaz Balart, and
they had a son, Fidelito. They divorced in 1950. In the 1960s, the Cuban
president began living with Delia Soto del Valle. They were married in the
1980s, according to the book "Cuba Confidential" by Ann Louise Bardach. They
have five children: Alejandro, Alexander, Alexis, Antonio and Angel.

Divorce is usually a simple process, and battles over possessions aren't
common because most people have few belongings.

"There isn't much property to divide," said Orlando Ramos, 42, an economist
who said he worried about his son's welfare - and not material goods - when
he was divorced.

To be sure, many Cuban divorces are remarkably civilized.

Maricel Acebo, 39, and her ex-husband, Wilfrido, live under the same roof
despite their divorce less than a year ago.

"I'm not going to tell him, `I want you living out on the street,'" she
said. "That wouldn't be fair."

Still single, she does have complaints about men. Too many care only about
money, she said.

"The men say, `What do you do?' And if you say you're a housewife, they
shrink back and won't talk to you. But if you say you work for a good
company, then it's, `Yeah, that's the woman I want,'" said Acebo, a night
security guard who earns $7.69 per month in a country where the average
monthly salary is $12.

Another Cuban woman who lived with her ex-husband after a divorce was
Elizabet Brotens. She and Juan Miguel Gonzalez not only lived in the same
house, they slept in the same bed. She wanted a child even after their
divorce. Gonzalez complied, and little Elian was born. He is the
grade-schooler who survived a deadly voyage to Florida that killed his
mother in November 1999. After a nasty international custody battle, the boy
returned to Cuba, where he now lives with his father.

Cuba legalized divorce in 1869 and introduced divorces by notary public in
1994.

"No other country in the world has this kind of divorce," said Ayiadna Maria
Verrier, a notary public in Old Havana.

Only those who are splitting up by mutual consent qualify. Divorces
involving disputes over money, property or children are handled in Cuban
courts and usually take several months.

Some Cuban lawyers question notary divorces, saying they may not always
fully protect spouses and their children.

"But I see more advantages in these divorces than disadvantages," said
Verrier.

Still, although it's easy to split up, it's never much fun, said Lenia
Gamonal, 42, a hydraulic engineer who is divorced.

"Divorce is disastrous. It shatters the harmony of the family."

---

BREAKING UP

Here's how various countries ranked on divorce:(ASTERISK)

Maldives, 10.97

Guam, 4.34

Russia, 4.3

United States, 4.1

Ukraine, 4

Puerto Rico, 3.82

Cuba, 3.54

Czech Republic, 2.9

Finland, 2.7

(ASTERISK)For comparison purposes, the rate is measured by divorces per
1,000 inhabitants, not by percentage.

x 2004, The Dallas Morning News.

#######################
- MUSLIM WOMEN FIGHT INSTANT DIVORCE
By Geeta Pandey
BBC correspondent in Delhi
August 4, 2004

For more than a decade Muslim women activists in India have been demanding a
ban on what is known as "triple talaq" or instant divorce.

It is a system wherein a Muslim man can divorce his wife in a matter of
minutes.

The issue has been highlighted recently after several Indian Muslims have
taken to divorcing their wives by mail, over the phone and even through
mobile phone text messages.

The practice of instant divorce is banned in several Islamic countries
including Pakistan, Bangladesh, Malaysia and Indonesia.

But it continues in India.

'Life ruined'

Jahanara's house lies off a narrow lane in Old Delhi.

Narrow steps, barely a foot wide, take you up to the first floor where she
sits huddled in a corner of her tiny two-room home, mourning.

Jahanara's parents got her married when she was 15.

Now, two years later, she is back with them because her husband has divorced
her.

Saying that he was setting her free he repeated the words "Talaq" (divorce)
three times and left.


Rehana doesn't take her husband's calls anymore

"My life's ruined. What can I do with myself now? I had hoped to spend the
rest of my life with him and look what he did to me," she says.

"I gave up everything to go with him - I thought we'd be together through
thick and thin, but he clearly had other ideas."

Jahanara is a victim of what is known as the triple talaq, where a husband
exercises his right to divorce his wife within a matter of minutes.

Islamic scholars say the Koran clearly spells out how to issue a divorce.

It has to be spread over three months which allows a couple time for
reconciliation.

But today, many men use the post, the telephone or even the short messaging
service (sms) to divorce their wives.

Instant divorce

Rehana does not answer her mobile phone when her husband, Akram, calls.

She has been married for 20 years and has four grown up children.


The clergy is trying to spread the word

In January this year, Akram threw her out of their house and got married
again a month later.

Rehana now lives in constant fear.

"He might say 'talaq' on the phone to me," she says.

"I don't answer my phone when I see his number. I want to spend the
remaining years of my life as his wife. I don't want a divorce."

Muslim women's rights activists are outraged by such incidents.

"There's nothing in the Koran that allows triple, verbal, instantaneous
talaq. There's no greater anathema than the kind of talaq that has now
become the greatest black mark against gender in Islam," says Sayeeda Hamid.

Raising awareness

There have been attempts in the past to focus on the ills of instant
divorce.

The clamour to ban the practice has forced the All India Muslim Personal Law
Board to take up the matter at a recent meeting.

A spokesman, Syed Qasim Rasool Ilyas, says the board does not have the
authority to ban the practice.

"The majority of the ulema [clergy] thinks that it's legal, it's binding.
They say it's according to the Sharia [Islamic code].

"Now how can the Muslim Personal Law Board take a unilateral decision? The
board cannot go against the Shariat."

Majid Siddiqui thinks Muslims should be flexible

"But," he says, "there's a consensus among the board that it's a sin and
we'll try to discourage it."

To spread the word, mosques have been roped in.

During Friday prayers at a Delhi mosque, more than 1,000 men, young and old,
kneel on the floor, listening to Maulana Jalaluddin Umri's sermon.

He devotes two-thirds of the 45-minute-long prayer to talk about the issue.

And it appears to have made an impact on the congregation.

Naseemuddin says the clergy should find a way to ban the practice.

"If you're Muslim, you have to follow the Koran. We have to face the reality
and tackle it constructively," he says.

Majid Akhtar Siddiqui, a mechanical engineer, says society must be flexible.

"I have seen real experiences in life, where sometimes problems arise
between couples. Now, we have to sort out these problems, not create more
problems."

But Sayeeda Hamid thinks an awareness campaign is not enough.

"The first thing that should be done is that they should completely, totally
ban triple, verbal, instantaneous talaq. They should simply say it's
cancelled, it cannot happen. So the men cannot treat their marriage as
something that can be trifled with."

That's little consolation for women like Jahanara and Rehana.

For them the Muslim Personal Law Board's awareness campaign is too little
too late.

######################

- WHAT ABOUT ME?: DIVORCE CLASSES IN UK
Special report: home affairs
Wednesday July 28, 2004
The Guardian
Hamish Cameron reports

What about me?

Divorcing couples can be too busy fighting to listen to their children. Soon
they'll have to attend classes to learn how to put their family first.

Children hate it when parents argue. They hate it when they separate or
divorce even more. But if that ideal is shattered, and their parents no
longer live together, they at least want them to get on. It is impossibly
hard for a child, living with one parent she loves, to hear that parent
repeatedly bad-mouthing the other parent, whom she also loves.

Intuitively, the child knows she needs both parents, but if forced to make a
choice, her loyalty will be to the one with whom she lives. Security of the
known is safer than the unknown, for most children. Because she feels
responsible for looking after her unhappy resident parent, the child will,
when asked, echo what that parent wants to hear, not what she really feels
and, in time, may come to believe it.

"You are the government's wife, and you've come to help me," said one
six-year-old child to the court professional visiting her home. If proposals
for changing how the law protects children caught up in divorce are
accepted, will children be right to trust the government?

The government's green paper, Parental Separation: Children's Needs and
Parents' Responsibilities, is a turning point in family law: the courts will
be obliged to focus more on the child than ever before. "Frequent and
continuous contact" with both parents is to be the child's right. The child
will never again be the wholly owned subsidiary of either parent.

So will things improve for the child, dismayed when loved parents part?
Often they cannot believe what is happening; it can cause great trauma to
have one of their pillars of security wrenched from them. Death, divorce and
moving house are the three greatest stresses for adults, but divorce
especially inflicts damage on a young child. A parenting relationship in the
mind of the child endures for the rest of its life. The child had two
parents before; they need two parents after separation.

Later in life teenagers separated from one parent will say they had always
wanted to see their "other" parent, but dared not ask because of the
consequences - meaning they feared the angry reaction of their main parent.

The new scheme is right to assume that the best hope of ensuring a child
still has two parents after divorce is to get in early. The court and the
family will work together; the court will support and guide separating
parents to develop a parenting partnership through early therapeutic
education and mediation sessions, before the strain of separation begins to
affect the child.

One six-year-old girl said it was her fault her father had left home as he
was worried about "banking and my being so little". Overhearing her parents
rowing about money and banking and complaining about the demands of looking
after a small child like her, she blamed herself and missed her daddy a lot.

In contrast, she felt her 12-year-old brother was old enough to look after
himself. In this family's case, which is not exceptional, each parent had
ferocious, and partly true, criticisms of the other, but the little girl
loved both of them. The child's therapist advised her parents how
responsible their little daughter felt for their break-up. This softened
each parent's attitude, enabling them to begin to agree to child-centred
plans.

Overseas family courts have, for the past decade or so, been proactive in
helping parents support their child's essential family relationships after
separation. The British government recognises that our separating parents
also stand to gain. Learning about parenting in a restructured family, and
about how to enable their child's family ties to be sustained, means their
child can keep loving and respecting both parents - even when one or other
parent forms a new relationship in the future.

Modern parents facing divorce need these lessons more than ever before. The
social scaffolding of the 1950s, which supported the child's family life,
has gone. Nowadays it is the norm to see serial monogamy, families in
transition, step-families, and a growing number of children who experience
two parental divorces before they reach 18. In some states in the US this
occurs with 20% of children.

The continuity and stability of key adults in a child's life gives inner
strength. Break these child-adult bonds and the child's resilience is
undermined, increasing susceptibility to society's temptations in adulthood.
The tales of adults loading their own arguments on to their children are
tragic and common.

A little girl of five, with no memory of her father at home (he left before
she was two), recalls the huge excitement of seeing him once a month on a
Sunday. Best clothes, best behaviour: it meant seeing her father was a treat
she relished. Of course, she loved her mother and stepdad, but she found it
awful returning to her stepdad's rant: "You stink of smoke. Did he take you
to the pub? Did he give you money?" She would run to her room crying.

Acrimony between parents upsets children and adults. It spreads into school
and workplace, and putting this right is profoundly important. Every child
of divorce wants parents to sort things out. Emotionally bruised, angry and
upset, people are seldom able to plan for their child without outside help.
Even those separating parents who can reach agreement may not see
co-parenting and enduring family ties as their priority. Two years after the
break-up, 40% of post-separation children have little or no contact with
their "other" parent.

Not all of the family courts' critics are won over, however. While moderate
campaign groups have welcomed the green paper, Bob Geldof and some fathers'
rights activists castigate its failure to announce "shared parenting"
legislation, to inform society that now, by law, shared-parenting rules
apply.

Shared-parenting laws were passed in overseas countries in the 1980s and
practice reforms followed. The UK's green paper proposes the reverse order -
reforms piloted first, then a shared-parenting statute, if necessary, could
come in a future parliamentary session.

The principle in the green paper is universal: all children should have
meaningful relationships with key adults in their family, provided it is
safe. Frequent and continuous contact between the child and the other parent
must be maintained. One seven-year-old boy who lives with his mother acts up
at handovers, but hugely loves his dad. When there is an overlap with his
parents together, this "permission-giving" helps the child settle in. Many
examples of post-divorce parenting are, like this one, common sense, for
they are everyday happenings in many families.

Delayed resolutions are deadly: this is when separating parents' attitudes
harden, leaving the child caught in the crossfire. The government has
signalled that the courts will now intervene early, before the parents get
embroiled in adversarial litigation.

In Florida, family courts are particularly quick off the mark. Separating
parents are sent a temporary order, requiring them to sustain frequent and
continuous contact between the child and both families, until such time as a
co-parenting agreement or final court order is made. The state requires
parental cooperation that is right for the child, and its courts have a
"therapeutic justice" practice of co-working with educators and special
mediators to bring this about.

Parents attend a group "parent orientation"class , but not necessarily
together. "Orientation" means adjusting to a new kind of separation
parenting, and emphasises the benefits to the child of enlightened
co-parenting, based upon research findings about children of divorce. Then
follows a one-hour parenting planning guidance session taken with a
mediator. The parents' task is to agree a timetable for their child which
fits society's expectations and the family's needs. Thereafter, fine-tuning
negotiation takes place with a parenting facilitator, and a return to court
only occurs in extreme cases. All this helps the parents to reach an early
agreement - which lasts.

When parents know of the court's expectations and attend classes about the
effect on children of separation and are guided by skilled mediators who are
there not for therapy or relationship building, but to conduct child-focused
parenting planning, then even hostile parents can and do plan well for their
children.

The crucial change in the green paper is that our family courts will now
make it a priority to sustain the family ties of the child of divorce. The
child is the court's focus and their existing relationship is expected to
continue from the outset unless there is a good reason to suspend contact.

The green paper theory may be fine, but practice is quite another matter.
The government's proposals need to have teeth if they are to work. Skilled
people of mettle are needed to drive the reforms forward, alongside
professionals who precisely focus their work on co-parenting (not forgetting
the grandparents).

The prize will be that the next generation of children with separated
parents (and there will be a very large number) should benefit from calmer
parenting - and become happier and more stable adults.

###################
- QUIZ YOURSELF ON LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
July 28, 2004
By DR. JOYCE BROTHERS
SYNDICATED COLUMNIST

With marriages breaking up today at a greater rate than in previous
generations, being divorced is nothing new. But what is the best way to
handle this new kind of life? Take this quiz to see if you're on the right
track.

1. After a divorce, it seems to generally be men who want to remarry quickly
and women who are more likely to take their time.

TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )

2. The best thing you can do when the divorce papers are signed is to change
your old environment as much as possible and as quickly as you can.

TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )

3. Part of your reaction to your divorce might be predetermined in your
genes.

TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )

4. Bitter thoughts about your ex are helpful in moving on, and self-pity
will allow you to pick a more sensitive partner the next time.

TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )

5. Acting as if your divorce went smoothly when it was actually a nightmare
will keep you in a state of eternal denial and is not healthy.

TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )

6. If you are the one who initiated the divorce, you can escape the loss of
self-esteem that the "left-behind" partner suffers.

TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )

7. Writing down three good things about yourself each day can help you
reinvent yourself.

TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )

8. Visualizing a happy life after divorce is really just daydreaming. The
only things that count are what you are actually doing to make things
better.

TRUE ( ) FALSE ( )

ANSWERS:

1. TRUE. Several studies show that while women eventually go on to develop
self-sufficient and happy single lives, men tend to look for a replacement
for their partner. They seem to be more comfortable with the institution of
marriage than with remaining single for very long. But for both sexes, a
period of adjustment is necessary.

2. FALSE. Making drastic changes is one of the worst and most common
mistakes newly divorced people make, and moving away heads the list of
impulsive actions. It's really important to give yourself a year to settle
into your newly single state before making any crucial lifestyle decisions
that you might regret.

3. TRUE. Science magazine recently reported on an international team study
that showed that variations in a gene that regulates chemical messages to
the brain could predict who was likely to react to stressful life events
with depression. That's all the more reason to take charge of your thoughts
and behaviors after the divorce.

4. FALSE. To the contrary, bitter thoughts will just keep you locked in a
miserable world of your own making, while people will soon lose sympathy for
your sad story. Self-pity can't help you find a better partner; even the
most nurturing types are rarely looking for victims to take care of.

5. FALSE. It is not denial so much as rethinking your past in order to help
the bitterness and disappointment fade away. Besides, doesn't it show much
more pride to present an image of yourself as someone who can end a bad
situation with dignity?

6. FALSE. The one who initiates the divorce usually suffers a surfeit of
guilt, especially when there was no obvious transgression on the part of the
one who is left behind. Both parties need to accept that no matter who
initiates the divorce, each person likely failed to nurture the marriage.

7. TRUE. While your self-image might not need a total overhaul after a
divorce, you probably could use some self-stroking while you adjust to life
on your own. Carry a little notebook and write down things each day that you
have done well or just enjoyed doing. And don't forget those three things
that remind you how great you are.

8. FALSE. There is nothing wrong with daydreaming; it's one way of planning
ahead. If you set aside a few minutes each day to visualize your
post-divorce life with happy and fulfilled scenarios, you will
psychologically prepare yourself for those goals to be met. Believe that
soon your scheduled "daydream" can come true.

If you answered six of these eight questions correctly, you're better
informed than most on this subject.

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