From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 1 23:48:44 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 23:48:44 -0500 Subject: Move to put 'happily' back into 'ever after' - 4/1/04 Message-ID: subject: Move to put 'happily' back into 'ever after' - 4/1/04 from: Smart Marriages? This MSNBC article features Rita DeMaria and Wade Horn plus participants in DeMaria's PAIRS classes in Philadelphia. DeMaria will present a three-day PAIRS training in Dallas where you can become qualified to teach the program. > 102 Three Days - Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday, July 6, 7 & 8 > PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) > Leave ready to teach PAIRS' brief programs: the One-day Jumpstart & If You > Really Loved Me,the Two-day Passage to Intimacy. Covers communication, > emotional literacy, hidden expectations, conflict resolution, and confiding > exercises. $150 spouse discount. (Take 102 and 912 to also certify to teach > Christian PAIRS and Military PAIRS.) * * * * > DeMaria, of PAIRS, concurs. ?The government isn?t going to tell us what to do, > but it is supposed to educate and inform us,? she said. > In Philadelphia, participants in DeMaria?s recent courses were effusive in > their praise. > > ?The PAIRS program makes you aware to take time for your relationship and that > being a couple is really important from the beginning of your marriage,? Carol > Douglass, 57, said. ?You have children and they become the main focus of your > marriage. But you still need to keep time for your relationship because > someday those children are going to leave. If you wait until that point, it?s > too late.? > Douglass and her husband of 36 years, a pastor at Upper Dublin Lutheran Church > in Ambler, Pa., were recent participants in a PAIRS workshop in Philadelphia. > They are planning to offer a version of PAIRS for the congregation at Upper > Dublin, Douglass said. > > ?What?s so exciting is that I think if our young people learn the skills of > communication early, they will be able to strengthen their relationships and > therefore families will be stronger,? she said. - MOVE TO PUT 'HAPPILY' BACK INTO 'EVER AFTER' Bush administration seeks funding boost for marriage education By Daniel Strieff Reporter MSNBC April?1, 2004 PHILADELPHIA - ?Marriage is a wonderful institution,? the late comedian Groucho Marx observed, ?but who would want to live in an institution?? As it turns out, most people do want to marry ? and stay that way. That desire to stay together was what brought Jon, 44, and Barbara, 48, two married Philadelphia-area physicians, to a course in PAIRS, or Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills. ?We were both very committed to the relationship, but also very distressed at the issues that we needed to work through,? Barbara said. ?We were both feeling an inability to stand back and look at the issues and figure what solution would be most mutually beneficial to maintaining our relationship.? It was the second marriage for both, and with four children between the two of them, they were especially keen to make this one last. ?We believe that strengthening marriage is an important national goal, and that this promising initiative might help us to reach that goal.? ? The Marriage Movement advocacy group ?It?s emotionally draining,? Jon said. ?It really stirs up a lot of past stuff that?s under the surface that can be painful or damaging. But, for lack of a better word, it was a powerful experience.? The skills they learned, the couple said, opened lines of communication that had previously been unclear, thus strengthening their marriage. ?Clearly, this has been a life-changing event for the two of us, because we?ve learned effective ways of communication, fair fighting and an understanding that we both come from different backgrounds, and how to incorporate that into not only our personal but also our professional lives,? Jon said. The government steps in The U.S. divorce rate, which has leveled off at around 4 divorces per 1,000 people, is still higher than most family experts would like and a growing national movement, with a hefty boost from the federal government, wants to help. A marriage education movement that has been around for several decades has lately gathered steam. ?We believe that strengthening marriage is an important national goal, and that this promising initiative might help us to reach that goal,? the advocacy group, Marriage Movement, says. That initiative is included in President Bush?s budget proposal for 2005, currently working its way through Congress. The proposal includes expanded initiatives to ?promote marriage and healthy family development.? The added funding includes $1.5 billion over five years -- $1 billion in federal funds and $500 million in state matching funds ? that would go to programs promoting marriage, responsible fatherhood and teen abstinence, and that work at preventing child abuse. The proposal, part of a welfare bill that is awaiting reauthorization, allows community and faith-based organizations to receive federal funds ?to develop innovative approaches to promoting healthy marriage and reducing out-of-wedlock births,? according to the Department of Health and Human Services. ?There has been a growing body of information on the wider benefits of marriage but it has not been funded in any consistent way,? Dr. Rita DeMaria, the director of the PAIRS program in the Philadelphia area, told MSNBC.com. The proposed boost in government funding will help finance new, perhaps revealing, research, DeMaria said. ?We need to learn more, but there are some strong indicators about these programs and how they?ve helped the marriage rate,? she said. DeMaria said that around 40 percent of the people who take her semester-long PAIRS workshops have at least met with a divorce lawyer. Of those people, she said, roughly 60 percent end up staying together. The Marriage Movement, a collection of academics, religious leaders, politicians, and family and relationship professionals, including DeMaria, says that its goal is to strengthen marriage so that ?each year more children will grow up protected by their own two happily married parents, and so that each year more adults? marriage dreams will come true.? Indeed, recent polls have shown that virtually all young people want to get married. A Gallup survey taken for Rutgers University found that almost all never-married people in their 20s wanted eventually to walk down the aisle. Ninety-four percent of those surveyed agreed with the statement ?when you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.? A different approach Marriage education programs are distinct from couples therapy or counseling, which focus on individuals? personal and family history. Rather, marriage education uses a structured approach to work on communication and problem-solving skills. Diane Sollee, founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education and a former marriage and family therapist, became involved in marriage education after realizing that ?therapy wasn?t getting us anywhere. There were too many divorces.? In her role as a marriage educator, Sollee said she stresses three strands of research: finding the truth about the benefits of marriage; what to expect from a ?normal? marriage; and identifying those behaviors that predict success and those that predict failure in marriage. Marriage education programs are intended to lend support to the entire family structure, and not only the intimate relationship between spouses, according to Dr. Wade Horn, assistant Health and Human Services secretary for children and families. ?The goal of the marriage education program is to help the well-being of children,? Horn said in a recent telephone interview. ?Healthy marriages aren?t irrelevant to children?s well-being.? Horn and other advocates of marriage education point to a growing body of evidence that suggests that children in married families fare better, emotionally, physically and financially. ?We always had a sense that children were better off with their own parents, so long as parents were loving and healthy,? said DeMaria, adding that it is only recently that solid research has supported that view. PAIRS is a program designed to instruct participants in skills to prevent serious marital problems before they threaten the relationship. The courses, which are offered nationwide, are intensive ? ranging from several days to 19 weeks, from 30 hours to 120 hours ? and offered to people at all stages in a relationship, married or not, as well as singles. Programs such as PAIRS would be candidates for the federal funding, when and if it gets approved later in the year. Marriage education courses are increasingly popular in middle-class communities, but government funding would alleviate the cost, which is generally not covered by insurance, and help make these programs available to lower-income communities, according to the Department of Health and Human Services. ?It can?t hurt us,? Sollee, of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, said. ?I can?t see a downside to this as a social policy.? Some concerns remain But while a consensus of family and relationship experts believe that children fare best in married, two-parent households, the proposal, initiated in 2002 but boosted this year, has critics. Some see government money for programs centered on intimate relationships as an invasion of privacy. A survey done by the Pew Research Center in 2002 found that nearly 80 percent of people interviewed opposed government programs to encourage people to get and stay married. Some groups, including the NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund, are concerned that women, particularly in low-income communities, would feel pressured by marriage promotion programs to enter into, or remain in, abusive relationships. Lisalyn Jacobs, of NOW Legal Defense, cited the high incidence of domestic violence against women who are welfare recipients and said there were further concerns reallocating government resources from other welfare and poverty issues. Funding for people in low-income areas, she said, was best focused on education, job training and children?s programs, which would in turn lead to healthier families. Moreover, in this election year, the culture wars ? from same-sex marriage to decency in television programming and on the airwaves ? are raging. Much of the criticism stems from a flurry of negative media coverage earlier this year, and an article in The New York Times in which an unnamed presidential adviser was quoted as saying that marriage promotion was ?a way for the president to address the concerns of conservatives and to solidify his conservative base.? Pollster John Zogby has said he has consistently found a ?marriage gap? of about 25 percentage points between married people who say they will vote to re-elect Bush and single voters who support a Democratic candidate for president. A Zogby International poll taken earlier this year found that 64 percent of people living in the so-called red states ? those that traditionally vote Republican ? are married. That figure contrasts with the 56 percent who are married in the so-called blue states ? which typically go Democratic. Some critics have alleged that marriage promotion is a none-too-subtle response by the White House to the gay marriage debate. Bush has spoken out in favor of a constitutional amendment that would define marriage as between one man and one woman. But Horn, of the Department of Health and Human Services, says it is ?patently false? that the marriage promotion initiative is in any way linked to the gay marriage debate. He pointed out that the initiative was begun two years ago, before the political firestorm over gay marriage had started. ?The whole goal of marriage education is to teach young couples to manage conflicts in healthy ways,? he said. Furthermore, Horn said it was a ?distortion? to say that promoting healthier marriages was akin to encouraging marriage. ?You actually might have fewer marriages because some potentially bad marriages may never happen? as a result of the education, he said. ?We are offering on a voluntary basis services to couples who will decide whether they want it for themselves. This is not about telling couples to get married.? DeMaria, of PAIRS, concurs. ?The government isn?t going to tell us what to do, but it is supposed to educate and inform us,? she said. Outcomes ? expected, and not In Philadelphia, participants in DeMaria?s recent courses were effusive in their praise. ?The PAIRS program makes you aware to take time for your relationship and that being a couple is really important from the beginning of your marriage,? Carol Douglass, 57, said. ?You have children and they become the main focus of your marriage. But you still need to keep time for your relationship because someday those children are going to leave. If you wait until that point, it?s too late.? Douglass and her husband of 36 years, a pastor at Upper Dublin Lutheran Church in Ambler, Pa., were recent participants in a PAIRS workshop in Philadelphia. They are planning to offer a version of PAIRS for the congregation at Upper Dublin, Douglass said. ?What?s so exciting is that I think if our young people learn the skills of communication early, they will be able to strengthen their relationships and therefore families will be stronger,? she said. The skills taught in the PAIRS, moreover, are useful for couples at all stages in relationships ? including those at the end. Andrew, 58, lives in Philadelphia. He and his wife of 28 years attended a recent PAIRS course on the advice of a divorce lawyer. ?In my situation, [the course] did not repair the marriage, but it helped my future ex-wife and myself interact more positively, even on the issues that we were working on in separating,? he said. ?I know for many couples who go through a divorce, it may take years to get to a point ? if they get there at all ? where they can effectively communicate. And even to talk that way while still in pursuit of the divorce itself, I think is pretty remarkable.? ?? 2004 MSNBC Interactive ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Apr 2 13:22:51 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 13:22:51 -0500 Subject: April Fool's Day aftermath - TANF legislation deadlocked - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: April Fool's Day aftermath - TANF legislation deadlocked - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - SENATE DEADLOCKS ON WAGES, WELFARE - 2004 WELFARE REFORM NEEDS HEALTHY MARRIAGE ############################ TANF is again to be extended, "as is" - without the $1.5 billion marriage initiative addition. It WAS April Fool's Day, but this is real. There's still hope in the form of amendments and negotiations, but looks like it's back to our grass-roots efforts. We can do it, but it would have been huge to have this boost from the feds. Did any of you contact your senators? I hope so. It's not too late. See the McManus article that follows for inspiration. - diane - SENATE DEADLOCKS ON WAGES, WELFARE By Helen Dewar Washington Post Staff Writer Friday, April 2, 2004; Page A04 > The welfare bill would extend for five more years the 1996 law . . . . The > 1996 law has expired but was extended several times while Congress worked on > the new bill. The most recent extension ends June 30. The Senate deadlocked yesterday over whether to allow a vote on raising the federal minimum wage as part of a bill to renew the 1996 welfare overhaul, jeopardizing both initiatives and deepening partisan divisions in the nearly paralyzed chamber. Voting 51 to 47, largely along party lines, Republican leaders fell nine votes short of the 60 needed to end a filibuster by Democrats aimed at forcing votes on the minimum wage and other key items on their election-year agenda. This left the welfare bill in limbo, along with several other major bills that have been blocked in similar fights over the past couple of months, and some senators were pessimistic about prospects for breaking the deadlock anytime soon. Last week, GOP leaders shelved a bill to avert trade sanctions by Europe against U.S. products when Democrats held it up in an unsuccessful effort to force a vote to block the administration from eliminating overtime pay guarantees for many white-collar workers. Earlier, Republicans scuttled their own bill to protect gun makers and dealers from lawsuits after Democrats amended it to include two gun control proposals. A bill to curb medical malpractice suits has been blocked by a Democratic filibuster, and Democrats are barring votes on President Bush's judicial nominees until he agrees to stop short-circuiting the Senate by appointing judges during congressional recesses. After yesterday's vote, Republicans and Democrats blamed each other for the impasse but agreed it was serious. Asked if he thought the stalemates would continue for the rest of the year, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), who led the fight to raise the hourly-wage floor from $5.15 to $7 over two years, said, "It certainly appears that way." He called the Senate a "nonfunctioning institution." Democrats have "hung up a sign saying they're out of business" in hopes of keeping Republicans from meeting their legislative goals for the year, said Sen. Rick Santorum (Pa.), third-ranking member of the Senate GOP leadership. To emphasize the point, Republicans made speeches yesterday on the Senate floor to accuse the Democrats of "obstruction" on judicial nominations, medical malpractice and other issues. Aides said more such speeches -- and probably other efforts to highlight their message -- are planned. The welfare bill would extend for five more years the 1996 law, which imposed work requirements and reduced welfare rolls by more than half. The Senate version of the bill seeks to move more recipients into jobs and to increase required work hours from 30 to 34 a week. A companion House bill, passed last year, contains more stringent requirements and is favored by Bush. The 1996 law has expired but was extended several times while Congress worked on the new bill. The most recent extension ends June 30. The Senate voted earlier this week to add to the welfare measure $6 billion to subsidies for child care for low-income families, a victory for Democrats and several GOP moderates who helped champion the cause. Yesterday, Republicans attempted to use the child care funding to embarrass Democrats. "In order to score political points, Democrats are leaving poor children and their working single moms out in the cold," said Senate Finance Committee Chairman Charles E. Grassley (R-Iowa), chief sponsor of the welfare bill. Democrats said they were only trying to assure that people who got jobs earned a livable wage, noting that the buying power of the current minimum wage is at an all-time low. They accused Republicans of being afraid to vote on the issue. "They don't want to take a hard vote, apparently," Kennedy said. Republicans said they were willing to allow votes on the Democratic amendments if Democrats would agree to send the welfare and trade measures to a conference with the House. "We're willing to pay a ransom but we want to be sure we get our victims back," Santorum said. Democrats contend they have been increasingly sidelined or marginalized in recent negotiations over major bills, including Medicare, energy, spending and pension legislation, and are unwilling to agree to conferences without "prenegotiation" agreements that ensure they will have a role in the deliberations. ? 2004 The Washington Post Company #################### - 2004 WELFARE REFORM NEEDS HEALTHY MARRIAGE McManus - Ethics & Religion Column #1,179 - Advance for April 3 2004 Welfare Reform Needs Healthy Marriage Initiative by Michael J. McManus This week the Senate began debating re-authorization of Welfare Reform that includes a "Healthy Marriage Initiative" to increase the percentage of couples who marry - and enjoy healthy marriages. The House passed its version of the bill a year ago. Only 54 percent of adults are married today and half of new marriages end in divorce. When Welfare Reform was passed by Congress in 1996, it was denounced by Sen. Pat Moynihan as "the most brutal act of social policy since Reconstruction." Marion Wright Edelman of the Children's Defense Fund, called the law "an outrage...that will hurt and impoverish millions of American children." However, Welfare Reform has been spectacularly successful at two levels. First, welfare rolls have plunged by 60 percent, as welfare recipients were required to go to work and day care was provided for their children. Even during the recession, when experts predicted that welfare rolls would grow again - they continued to fall. Second, the poverty rate has fallen. In 1996, 40 percent of black and Hispanic children were poor. In 2002, the percent fell to 31.5 among. blacks and 28.6 of Hispanic kids. And the percentage of single mothers in poverty fell from 50.3 to 39.8. People earn more working than on welfare. On the other hand, welfare reform had no impact on out-of-wedlock births, which grew from 1.26 million to 1.35 million children. A third of all births are now to unwed parents. Therefore, President Bush proposed a "Healthy Marriage Initiative" to reform Welfare Reform that would earmark $120 million a year of federal grants to promote marriage education and another $120 million a year if states put up $120 million. "The President feels strongly...about the need to increase the number of children who are growing up in healthy, married households. They do far better than on every measure of child welfare compared to children growing up in unmarried households," said HHS Assistant Secretary Wade Horn at a press conference Wednesday. Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback provided evidence: "Children growing up without fathers are five times more likely to be in poverty, are two to three times more likely to suffer from emotional and behavior problems as teenagers and to drop out of school. They are more likely to commit crime, engage in early promiscuous behavior and commit suicide. "By contrast, marriage is a good way out of poverty. It would lift 70 percent of those in poverty out of it if two people are working in a family rather than one." How marriageable are the poor, and are they even considering marriage? "Fragile Families" research of 4,700 new and unwed parents in inner cities found that at the birth of the child, half are living together, and another quarter are romantically involved. Furthermore, the fathers are much more "marriageable" than has been thought. Some 82 percent are employed and earn $17,500 on average. Two-thirds have at least a high school education. Only 2 percent had hit or slapped the mother. And most important, four out of five of mothers and fathers are considering marriage. But a year after the child's birth only 15 percent are married. The Healthy Marriage Initiative would provide funds to help those couples improve their skills of conflict resolution so they might actually marry - and be equipped to build a healthy marriage. Those skills can be taught by mentor couples in churches for free. But for the non- religious, counselors would be paid. "The need is clear," observed Family Research Council President Tony Perkins. "For every $1,000 we spend on public programs addressing the breakdown of the family, we only spend $1 trying to prevent that breakdown in the first place. The President's initiative puts the emphasis in the right place - prevention." The funds can also be used to help those in the middle class build, enrich and restore marriages. This is a way to prevent families from falling into poverty. However, passage of welfare reform with the Healthy Marriage Initiative ground to a halt Thursday when Republican leaders were unable to get 60 votes to cut off debate. Democrats who opposed the bill in 1996 oppose this bill too. However, they know if they were recorded as voting against a bill to strengthen marriage, that would not look good. So they filibustered. It is tragic that partisanship kills this bill that could lift millions out of poverty Copyright 2004 Michael J. McManus ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Apr 2 15:41:26 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 15:41:26 -0500 Subject: Divorce Rates Can Be Cut:New Research - Some Good News! -4/04 In-Reply-To: <1ad.21b9979b.2d9f0a75@cs.com> Message-ID: subject: Divorce Rates Can Be Cut:New Research - Some Good News! -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? On the heels of yesterday's TANF deadlock and just when we need a boost, comes some good news of exciting findings on the success of Community Marriage Policies. These results are even more encouraging when you realize this has been an all volunteer effort. Think what we could do with funding and a more focused effort! Take this research to your community officials, to the leaders of your congregation and denomination, to private foundations - it should help convince people to support Community Marriage Policies in ways that will build on this momentum. If you will be in DC on Monday, April 5th, I encourage you to attend the press conference. Pass this invitation on to press and other interested parties - it's open to all. You can get the executive research summary at the press conference, or if you can't be there, I'll get it out to the list next Tuesday. - diane * * * * * * * * * * DIVORCE RATES CAN BE CUT For 30 years there has been one divorce for every two marriages in America. This 50% divorce rate has appeared to be granite that could not be chipped. There has been no proven strategy for reducing the divorce rate across a community, until now. However, a major new study will be released at 10 a.m. April 5, at the National Press Club with evidence from 114 cities in 122 counties that clergy who cooperate across denominational lines can create a "Community Marriage Policy?" that cuts the divorce rate by nearly a fifth over seven years. That is nearly double the decline of comparable counties in each state with no plan to save marriage, whose divorce rate fell less than a tenth in the same period. The study, "Assessing the Impact of Community Marriage Policies? on U.S. County Divorce Rates" by the Institute for Research and Evaluation of Salt Lake City - found that clergy can significantly reduce the divorce rate. However, the key is for clergy of diverse houses of worship to adopt a Community Marriage Policy?, which includes such reforms as rigorous marriage preparation, enriching all existing marriages and mentoring couples in crisis. Then the divorce rate decline almost doubles that of counties with no such program, says the study, which is scheduled for publication in an upcoming issue of Family Relations, a leading scholarly journal. The meeting will be hosted by David Blankenhorn of the Institute for American Values. Among the speakers will be Dr. Wade Horn Assistant Secretary of HHS who oversees the Administration's Healthy Marriage Initiative, Mike & Harriet McManus, Co-Chairs of Marriage Savers, Dr. Stan Weed, President of the Institute for American Values which conducted the study, and Diane Sollee, Director of Smart Marriages. If you plan to attend please RSVP Peggy.Mader at verizon.net or call 301 469-5873. Michael J. McManus Ethics & Religion column Founder & President Marriage Savers 9311 Harrington Dr. Potomac, MD 20854 301 469-5873 Website: marriagesavers.org The National Press Club is at 529 14th St NW on the red line at the Metro Center subway stop. See you there. Press Club: 202-662-7500 ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Apr 2 23:00:33 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 23:00:33 -0500 Subject: Georgia Legislation/Homeless Shelters/Study/ Laugh your way -4/04 Message-ID: subject: Georgia Legislation/Homeless Shelters/Study/ Laugh your way -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - GEORGIA PASSES MARRIAGE EDUCATION LEGISLATION - PAIRS FOR PEERS & COUPLES COMMUNICATION IN HOMELESS SHELTERS - STUDY: SUCCESS WON'T SPOIL WOMEN'S MARRIAGE PROSPECTS - FALLING IN LOVE ########################## - GEORGIA PASSES MARRIAGE EDUCATION LEGISLATION HB 1451, the bill to offer a discount on the marriage license fee to couples who have received pre-marital counseling passed the Senate yesterday by a vote of 45-2. The bill had been locked up in Senate Rules for weeks, but was finally moved on Thursday, April 1. Rules Chairman, Senator Don Balfour, credits the decision to move the bill to all the phone calls and e-mails received from supporters. Calls obviously make a difference. The bill now goes to the Governor for his signature. - diane ######################### - PAIRS FOR PEERS & COUPLES COMMUNICATION IN HOMELESS SHELTERS This is the second report I've received on using Marriage Education programs with success in homeless shelters. The earlier report was on the great success in using the COUPLE COMMUNICATION PROGRAM with couples/families at a homeless shelter in Arizona. This should help allay concern about whether this stuff works with poor and at-risk populations. - diane > I am employed at a 52 bed homeless shelter in downtown Philadelphia where I > have been making use of the PEERS materials with my clients. I just want to > report on how pleased I am to have found this program. > > Together we are witnessing the profound effect that being able to communicate > clearly has on not only personal relationships but also on the interpersonal > communication that is required in functioning with social service agencies. > Overwhelmingly, the PEERS material allows and challenges my clients to go back > to recover from developmental deficits. > Rev. Carl A. Browne, Jr. The COUPLE COMMUNICATION Institute is on Wed & Thurs, July 7 & 8 at the Dallas Smart Marriages Conference. Registration for this institute - #106 taught by founders Sherod & Phyllis Miller - will close this year, so please to be sure to register early if you plan to take this training. You can see the PEERS Program demonstrated in the FREE school/youth program institute (#117) on Thursday or take a 90-min workshop on Sat Morning: > 406 - Sat July 10, Dallas > PAIRS for PEERS: Emotional Literacy for Teens > Ellen Purcell, Lena Gillis, Derrick Gillis, DMin, Shirley Burnside, MSW > Learn how PEERS is taught in low-income, at-risk settings and with family > groups to prepare teens for marriage, enhance intimacy in the parents, and > improve the parent/child bond. (OR, apparently, to increase emotional literacy in a homeless shelter - these skills are generic across class and cultural boundaries. - diane) ################################# - STUDY: SUCCESS WON'T SPOIL WOMEN'S MARRIAGE PROSPECTS > as women's incomes and education levels have risen, the specialized marriage > has become less common, and hypergamy has declined. > Marriage is also declining across the population, regardless of education. > Less-educated men have experienced the largest decline in marriage. > "Practically everybody is less likely to be married. So (women are) finding > that they're less likely to be married and (saying) it's because of my > success," she says. "But they can't really blame it on their success, because > it is not nearly hurting them as much as it used to." Seattle Times Wednesday, March 31, 2004 By Sharon Pian Chan Seattle Times staff reporter Contrary to popular belief, highly educated women are now more likely to marry than they were in 1980, says an economist at the University of Washington. Elaina Rose, an associate professor, came to that conclusion after a three-year study of U.S. census data. And she thinks the trend is due to fewer women marrying up, meaning they are less likely to choose better-educated mates. Rose expects to present the results of her study at an economic demography workshop at the Population Association of America conference in Boston today. "I would have expected more successful women not being married," she said. "But that is not the case. It's the perception, not the case." Funded by a grant from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, Rose examined marriage data from 1980, 1990 and 2000 for men and women ages 40 to 44. "There was certainly this perception that educated, successful women are not getting married because their success was working at a disadvantage to them in the marriage market, and that men were not being accepting of successful women as marriage partners," she said. "So I thought, wait, we can actually look at this, we can actually put this to the data." She did find that a woman who pursues more education after high school is less likely to get married. "I call that the success gap. The more likely she is to get an education, the less likely she is to marry," Rose said. But her likelihood of marriage is improving. While the gap persisted from 1980 to 2000, it narrowed. In 1980, a woman with three years of graduate school was 13.5 percentage points less likely to be married than a woman with only a high-school diploma. By 2000, that gap shrank to less than 5 percentage points. Because the number of well-educated women has gone up, she said, "We might think it would be worse for successful women. That certainly has been the idea promoted in the media lately." Rose points to the hoopla in 2002 when New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd asserted that men don't like to date successful women, and to a book published the same year by economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett, "Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children." The book professes that the more successful the woman, the less likely it is that she'll marry or have children. The popular myth that accomplished women are destined to remain single has persisted since Newsweek erroneously reported in 1986 that a 40-year-old woman was more likely to die by a terrorist's hand than to take a man's hand in marriage. "From time to time, people have raised alarms about the possible fate for highly educated women," said Robert Mare, a professor of sociology at University of California, Los Angeles. "Most serious demographers have been very skeptical of this all the way along." Rose believes that several factors have narrowed the success gap in marriage. Traditionally, she said, women have chosen husbands with more earning power. There's even a name for this concept: hypergamy. "If we think of the old-fashioned 'Leave It to Beaver' marriage where the wife is staying home and taking care of the home, and the husband is going to work and bringing home the bacon, that's what economists called a specialized marriage" ? a context in which it made sense for a woman to marry a man who could make more money, Rose says. But as women's incomes and education levels have risen, the specialized marriage has become less common, and hypergamy has declined. Marriage is also declining across the population, regardless of education. Less-educated men have experienced the largest decline in marriage. "Practically everybody is less likely to be married. So (women are) finding that they're less likely to be married and (saying) it's because of my success," she says. "But they can't really blame it on their success, because it is not nearly hurting them as much as it used to." Rose also studied the success gap in terms of motherhood ? whether more highly educated women are having children now than before. She found that while that gap is shrinking, it is not shrinking as fast as the gap in marriage. She hopes that younger women in particular will pay attention to her research. "The message is not for the educated women but the young women who are contemplating their careers and education," Rose says. "And that is to not feel that having high aspirations for their careers is going to hinder their prospects in the marriage market, because it's a small difference at this point and it's probably getting smaller." Rose, 43, also discovered her personal prospects for marriage weren't as bad as she thought they were. After being divorced for several years, she tried an online dating service. "As the data were crunching away, literally, and I believed Maureen Dowd as well, I met the man of my dreams," she said. They got married last summer. Rose, who has a doctoral degree in economics, said she has more education than her husband, based on the U.S. Census' measures. "But the marriage is certainly hypergamous in a number of respects," she said. Copyright ? 2004 The Seattle Times Company ########################### - FALLING IN LOVE This is from the Laugh Your Way e-newsletter "Better Marriage Moments" by Mark Gungor. To subscribe to the free newsletter visit www.laughyourway.com. Mark will present at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference in a workshop that is clearly going to sell out - get your registrations in early if you hope to see this one. - diane > 807 - Sunday July 11, 3 - 4:30pm, Dallas Smart Marriages > The Number One Key to Incredible Sex > Mark Gungor > Learn a humorous and incredibly effective approach to understanding the > misinformation that kills off sex and passion, and how to turn things around. >From Better Marriage Moments: > Falling in Love: > When a man falls in love with a woman, his thoughts are something like this: > "I love her, she's great, in fact - she is perfect.? I love her just the way > she is and I hope she never changes."? > ? > When a woman falls in love with a man, her thoughts are generally something > like this: "I love him, he's great, but he really needs some work." > ? > Think about it: he loves her the way she is and hopes she never changes, and > she loves him despite the way he is and really looks forward to changing him. > ? > You can see how the stage is set for conflict. > ? > Working for Change: > The thought of working on?"relationships" makes most men feel ill.? You see, > to a man, work is something you do to earn money.? Work is something you do to > fix something or clean something up.??Relationships are something we think we > should NEVER have to work on. > ? > Women, on the other hand, love to work on their relationships.? After all, she > is all about relationships and she enjoys tending to them like a gardener > tends to a bed of roses. > ? > Guys, when your wife wants to discuss improving your marriage, don't take > offense.? She doesn't mean to insult or offend you.? It's just that she is a > woman and women enjoy working on their relationships.? She enjoys the > "improving" process. > ? > Girls, don't take offense when your husband is resistant to working on your > relationship.? To men, life is all about work.? If there is one area of life > he feels should not be about work, it is his relationship with you.? > Besides,?most men think?they are?OK the way?they are -?we don't really want to > change.? Don't interpret that to mean he doesn't care - he does.? He just > looks at things differently than you do.??Go ahead and help us to grow and > "improve" (we probably really do need it).? Just remember to view us as a long > term project.? We don't change quickly.? > Copyright ? 2004 Laugh Your Way America! LLC - All Rights Reserved. > > To learn more about Mark Gungor and the ministry of Laugh Your Way America!, > visit us at www.laughyourway.com or give us a call at 866-52-LAUGH. > ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Apr 4 21:54:54 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 21:54:54 -0400 Subject: Press Conference/What Next?/NO-FAULT/Indiana Marriage-4/04 Message-ID: subject: Press Conference/What Next?/NO-FAULT/Indiana Marriage-4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - PRESS CONFERENCE: DIVORCE RATE CAN BE CUT - WHAT TO TAKE? - SURPRISE: NO-FAULT DIVORCE MAY STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE - INDIANA MARRIAGE ########################### - PRESS CONFERENCE: DIVORCE RATE CAN BE CUT - Monday! Join us Monday April 5, 10am at the National Press Club, Washington DC to hear research on the success of Community Marriage Policies in cutting the divorce rate. Speakers: Wade Horn, Stan Weed, David Blankenhorn, and Mike & Harriet McManus. - diane ############################ - WHAT TO TAKE? > Dear Diana, > > I need your advice on which institutes to take in Dallas. I don't expect you > to remember our history so I will review our courses since 2002. That was our > first conference (my wife and I) and we took the Marriage Savers and the > FOCCUS training. The next year we brought two couples with us and took > several of the basic marriage education programs - PAIRS, Family Wellness and > Relationship Enhancement. We are excited because we've got the green light to > bring five couples from our ministry to the Dallas conference! We briefly > chatted with you as we were leaving Reno and you said our next step should be > to add some of the more focused programs. Can you please give us a bit of > guidance. I'd appreciate hearing from you this week because we need to make > travel arrangements and as you know, we can't do that until we decide on the > pre and post institutes. I do understand how busy you are and do appreciate > your time. > XXXXXXXXXx On the theory that if one asks, many wonder I'll share this with the list. I do remember you and am pleased that you'll be able to bring couples with you - it's so helpful to have a core group of trained couples. It also helps to have a variety of programs. And, it sounds like you're reaching "critical mass" and should start planning a community healthy marriage initiative. More on that later. What I meant by 'focused programs' are those focused on specific areas like stepfamilies, substance abuse, domestic violence, sex, childbirth, courtship, school/youth programs, etc. etc. You can't go wrong adding: either #115 or #915 - the Stepfamily programs #118 Learning Sobriety Together #902 The Compassion Workshops - violence/anger management #907 Couples Sexual Awareness #901 Becoming Parents Program #910 How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk - courtship/mate-selection guidelines ALL congregations and communities have couples dealing with ALL of these issues - these are crucial "add-ons" to the basic marriage skills courses. Another way to "focus" is to brush up on your teaching skills and to add exercises - #914 "Warm Up!" gets very high marks for this. A course like Pat Love's Essence of Marriage #913 will teach the specific use of the Enneagram - learn to use personality types in your marriage ed classes - and integrate it into a comprehensive marriage education curriculum. And a course like #911 Controlled Separation provides a proven protocol for working with couples in crisis - on the brink of divorce. You don't say if you are bringing five new couples or if some of these are repeats. It might be good to have the new couples take one of the "basic" marriage education programs that you haven't yet covered like PREP, Couple Communication, 7 Habits, Divorce Busting, Lasting Love, Active Relationships, Empowering Couples, etc. You'd then have yet another marriage education program and its materials AND the new couples will have a better understanding of just what marriage education is all about. In addition to Marriage Savers which you've taken, there are several excellent offerings on faith-based programs - IMAGO Curriculum for Churches, MFEST, Christian PAIRS, etc. These will give you additional ideas for recruitment, training and teaching. I know you are only bringing 10 people and there are 35 Institutes (and I probably sound like a mother with too many children), so I'll stop here except that I do want you to think about sending someone to the First Things First #908 institute - maybe that should be you and your wife - to explore how to begin a Community Healthy Marriage Initiative. If you've still got questions, email me and I'll see if I can answer them. If not, we'll arrange a time to talk. - diane ####################### - SURPRISE: NO-FAULT DIVORCE MAY STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE > Diane, > Bet you won't share this one with your list. > Tony K. Smart Marriages? is all about helping couples create stronger, more satisfying marriages. We're excited about any research about what will help them do that. Thanks for sending this. No one else did. - diane > > Chicago Tribune > Surprise: No-fault divorce may strengthen marriage > By Steve Chapman > April 2, 2004 > > CHICAGO - Divorce is one of those creations, like fast food and "lite rock," > that have more people willing to indulge in them than people willing to defend > them. > > In the 1960s, easier divorce was hailed as a needed remedy for toxic > relationships. But familiarity has bred contempt. In recent years, the divorce > revolution has been blamed for worsening all sorts of problems without > bringing happiness to people in unhappy marriages. > > There's a lot of evidence that marital breakup does more social harm than > good. In their 2000 book, The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie > Gallagher document that adults who are married do better than singles in > wealth, health and personal satisfaction. Children living with a divorced or > unwed single parent are more likely to fall into poverty, sickness and crime > than other kids. > > Marriage is a good thing, most people agree, while divorce is, at best, a > necessary evil. So the laws that accompanied the divorce revolution have come > under fire for destroying families and weakening safeguards for spouses who > keep their vows. > > Ms. Waite and Ms. Gallagher argue that loose divorce laws harm even intact > households by fostering chronic uncertainty. > > It may seem obvious that easier divorce laws make for more divorce and more > insecurity. But what is obvious is not necessarily true. > > In the old days, anyone who wanted to escape from the trials of wedlock had to > get his or her spouse to agree to a split, or else go to court to prove the > partner had done something terribly wrong (such as committing adultery). The > 1960s and '70s brought no-fault divorce. > > The first surprise is that looser divorce laws have actually had little effect > on the number of marriages that fall apart. Economist Justin Wolfers of > Stanford University, in a study published by the National Bureau of Economic > Research (NBER), found that when California passed a no-fault divorce law in > 1970, the divorce rate jumped, then fell back to its old level - and then fell > some more. > > That was also the pattern in other states that loosened their laws. Over time, > he estimates, the chance that a first marriage would break up rose by less > than 1 percent. > > In short, nothing bad happened. But in another NBER paper, Mr. Wolfers and > Betsey Stevenson of the University of Pennsylvania report that in states that > relaxed their divorce laws, some very good things happened: Fewer women > committed suicide, and fewer were murdered by husbands or other "intimate" > partners. In addition, both men and women suffered less domestic violence, > compared with states that didn't change their laws. > > We're not talking about tiny improvements here. Mr. Wolfers and Ms. Stevenson > say that in no-fault states, there was a 10 percent drop in a woman's chance > of being killed by her spouse or boyfriend. The rate of female suicide in new > no-fault states fell by about 20 percent. The effect was more dramatic still > for domestic violence - which "declined by somewhere between a quarter and a > half between 1976 and 1985 in those states that reformed their divorce laws," > according to Ms. Stevenson and Mr. Wolfers. > > What could account for these surprising benefits? Something simple: A change > in divorce laws alters the balance of power in a marriage, giving more > leverage to the weaker or more vulnerable spouse. > > If either partner can demand a divorce, each has a greater incentive to keep > the other content. If an abused spouse has an open exit, some abusers - and > potential abusers - will find it possible to behave themselves. > > By assuring both people in a marriage that they can get out if things go > badly, the looser laws can foster the sort of behavior needed to make sure > things go well. > > No-fault divorce once looked like a remedy for bad marriages, in the same way > that amputation is a remedy for a gangrenous limb. The good news is that it > may prevent the disease in the first place. > > Steve Chapman is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune, a Tribune Publishing > newspaper. His column appears Tuesdays and Fridays in The Sun. > > Copyright ? 2004 ######################## - INDIANA MARRIAGE I'm sharing this "just because" - just because it's interesting to see how marriage law and custom evolved in one state over the years. - diane Indiana once was the place for quick marriage, divorce >From Star and news reports April 4, 2004 ? Back in the days when Indiana was the hinterland, not the Heartland, it had a reputation for marriage and family law that bordered on scandalous. "Indiana was one of those places you went to for a quickie divorce in the 1830s and 1840s," said Purdue University historian John Larson. Getting hitched was pretty easy, as well. Indiana allowed common-law marriages prior to 1957. Under the old statutes, couples with "pure motive" and acting in "good faith" could, under certain conditions, live together as husband and wife without a marriage ceremony. Race, if not gender, was an issue in the 19th century. An 1818 Indiana law prohibited "mixed marriages," and an 1840 law prohibited "the amalgamation of whites and blacks," though it's not known how well such laws were enforced, according to "The Centennial History of The Indiana General Assembly, 1816-1978," by Justin E. Walsh. Such laws were voided in 1965. Indiana was a popular destination for couples in a hurry to get married because a three-day waiting period wasn't instituted until 1958. A law requiring VD tests had passed in 1940. There no longer is a waiting period, and blood tests for sexually transmitted diseases now are voluntary. Informal wedding chapels, typically operated by a local justice of the peace, dotted counties near Chicago and Louisville as people crossed the state line for a quickie marriage. Indiana's marriage code now looks pretty much like that of other states. Same-sex marriage is prohibited (Indiana Code 31-11-1-1), as is marriage between first cousins, unless at least one of the parties is 65 or older. Bigamy is outlawed, and the age of consent is set at 18 for each party; there are complex exceptions for those 17 and younger, however. The 2000 Census counted 118,775 "unmarried partner" households in Indiana that year, or about one in every 20 households in the state. Most constituted heterosexual couples, but there were 6,087 male-male households and 5,847 female- female households counted. The 2000 Census also found that approximately 54 percent of all adult Hoosiers (classified as 15 and older) were married and living with a spouse, as compared to a national average of about 51 percent in this age range -- perhaps suggesting that Indiana women were more likely than women elsewhere to demand a ring before moving in with a man. #################### ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Apr 4 21:37:48 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 21:37:48 -0400 Subject: Reducing Domestic Violence: How the Healthy Marriage Initiative Can Help-4/04 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: Reducing Domestic Violence: How Marriage Initiative Can Help-4/04 from: Smart Marriages? ######################## - REDUCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: HOW THE HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE CAN HELP Reducing Domestic Violence: How the Healthy Marriage Initiative Can Help by Melissa G. Pardue and Robert Rector Backgrounder #1744 March 30, 2004 In the United States today, one child in three is born outside of marriage. The decline of marriage is a prominent cause of child poverty, welfare dependence, and many other social problems. In response to these concerns, President George W. Bush has proposed the Healthy Marriage Initiative to promote and encourage strong marriages. The proposed program would provide $300 million annually in federal and state Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) money to state-level programs that promote marriage and marriage skills, particularly among low-income and "fragile" families. All participation in the President's marriage program would be voluntary. The program would utilize existing marriage-skills education that has proven effective in decreasing conflict--and increasing happiness and stability--among target couples. However, critics of the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative often assert that such a program would encourage or force vulnerable women into violent and dangerous relationships. Specifically, critics argue that a substantial portion of many low-income women who would participate in the marriage program are in abusive relationships and that the program would push women into marriages with abusive men, thereby increasing the rate of domestic abuse. Erroneous Criticisms These arguments by opponents of the Healthy Marriage Initiative are erroneous for a number of reasons: 1. Marriage-education programs that would be funded under the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative have been shown to reduce--not increase--domestic abuse. 2. The primary target groups for the healthy marriage programs would be unmarried couples at the time of a child's birth, or young, at-risk couples prior to a child's conception. The rate of domestic abuse in these groups is extremely low--around 2 percent. 3. The prevalence of domestic abuse among low-income women is often exaggerated by the use of statistics regarding whether or not a woman has ever been abused in her lifetime rather than whether or not abuse is occurring within a current romantic relationship. 4. Critics incorrectly assume that the target population for the Healthy Marriage Initiative would be older, single mothers in the TANF program. Typically, older welfare mothers have already severed ties with the fathers of their children. Such relationships have often been dead for several years: These mothers, therefore, are not good candidates for a marriage program. Rather, healthy marriage programs would seek to improve the stability and quality of relationships for low-income women at a younger age. Couples at this stage of life--generally termed "fragile families"--have relatively good prospects for entering into healthy, stable marriages. The rate of domestic violence among these couples is low--around 2 percent.1 Although the rate of current abuse suffered by older mothers on welfare is far higher--around 20 to 30 percent--as noted, these women would not be a target group of the Healthy Marriage Initiative. Thus, the assertion that welfare mothers experience high rates of domestic abuse is irrelevant to an assessment of the prospects of the Healthy Marriage Initiative. By intervening at a younger age, the Healthy Marriage Initiative would seek to improve the well-being of children and to reduce future child poverty and welfare dependence. 5. Many low-income mothers are trapped in patterns of serial cohabitation, moving through a sequence of fractured, failed relationships with men. Domestic violence is most likely to occur within this pattern of serial cohabitation. The Healthy Marriage Initiative could help prevent couples from falling prey to this destructive pattern by providing them with the knowledge and skills needed to build healthy, stable relationships. The proper time for such training is when couples are at a relatively young age--either prior to a child's conception or at the time of a child's birth--before self-defeating patterns of distrust and acrimony have developed. By helping couples to avoid the pitfalls of serial failed relationships, the Healthy Marriage Initiative will substantially reduce, rather than increase, domestic violence. Indeed, unless couples are equipped with the skills they need to develop healthy relationships, it is difficult to imagine how the current rates of domestic violence in low-income communities can be reduced. 6. Prototype healthy marriage programs, such as the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, have not led to increases in domestic violence. In Oklahoma, more than 14,000 individuals have received training, but not a single instance of domestic abuse linked to the program has been reported. The marriage initiative works closely with local domestic violence prevention groups, and these groups have made no complaints regarding the operation of the program.2 Domestic Violence and Welfare Mothers Opponents of the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative claim that the policy will target women who are likely to be in abusive relationships. Critics also charge that the marriage program will push these vulnerable women further into dangerous and violent relationships and possibly even endanger their lives. For example, the NOW Legal Defense Fund asserts: Because of the prevalence of intimate violence among women receiving public assistance, promotion of marriage will jeopardize the safety and lives of women and children. As many as 60 percent of welfare recipients are survivors of domestic violence. Marriage-promotion programs, which target a population that is made up to such a large degree of women who are domestic violence survivors, can have disastrous results.... [I]f [the healthy marriage initiative] goes forward, survivors may well be coerced into abusive marriages that they may not survive.3 These ominous claims are based on a misunderstanding of marriage-promotion programs and the characteristics of the couples who would participate in them. First, the figure that 60 percent of welfare mothers are "survivors of domestic violence" indicates that a high percentage of welfare mothers have experienced some level of domestic violence at some point during their lives; it does not mean that 60 percent of welfare mothers are experiencing violence in a current relationship. The figures for current (or recent) domestic abuse among welfare mothers are considerably lower: Some 20 percent to 30 percent have experienced violence in a current relationship or within the past year. 4 While these figures are still regrettably high, they indicate that most welfare mothers, at present, are not in abusive relationships. Furthermore, participation in marriage programs will be voluntary; no one will be "coerced" to participate. In addition, marriage-promotion programs do not assume that all relationships should be saved. In fact, rather than pushing women further into abusive relationships, the programs would urge women to leave situations where significant abuse is occurring. Marriage education programs teach couples how to resolve disagreements peacefully: A primary effect of these programs is to de-escalate conflict and significantly reduce strife and acrimony within relationships. Consequently, the programs have been shown to reduce domestic violence, not increase it.5 The NOW Legal Defense Fund also incorrectly assumes that the main target group of the Healthy Marriage Initiative would be older, single mothers on welfare (i.e., mothers enrolled in the TANF program). However, because most older welfare mothers have relationships with the fathers of their children that collapsed years ago, they would not be a suitable target group for marriage-promotion programs. Instead, the Healthy Marriage Initiative will provide skills to unmarried couples before their relationships turn bitter and acrimonious. By providing skills training at an early stage in a relationship, marriage-promotion programs will help couples to build happy and stable families in the future. The Healthy Marriage Initiative will focus primarily on unmarried, young adult couples around the time of their child's birth or--even better--prior to their child's conception. These couples have been referred to as "fragile families." The domestic abuse rate among "fragile family" couples--the targets for healthy marriages programs--is only around 2 percent. This represents one-tenth of the domestic abuse level found among current welfare mothers. By helping these couples build enduring and harmonious relationships, the Healthy Marriage Initiative can substantially reduce future domestic abuse. What the Fragile Families Survey Shows The Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study provides the best information about the low-income couples who would be the focal point of the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative. The study, which has been conducted by a team of researchers at Princeton University's Center for Research on Child Wellbeing and Columbia University's Social Indicators Survey Center, is a joint academic survey of new parents. The study is based on a nationally representative sample of parents--both married and unmarried--at the time of a child's birth.6 Overall, the Fragile Families Survey reveals much surprising information. * Most out-of-wedlock births occur among young adult women--not teenagers in high school. The median age for women having children out of wedlock is 22. * Roughly half of unmarried mothers were cohabiting with the child's father at the time of the baby's birth. Nearly 75 percent were romantically involved with the father at the time of the child's birth. * Very few unmarried fathers had drug or alcohol problems. About 98 percent of fathers had been employed during the prior year. Overall, the median annual income of the unmarried fathers was $17,500. * Most of the unmarried couples had a strong interest in marriage: Approximately 73 percent of mothers and 88 percent of fathers believed that they had at least a 50-50 chance of marrying each other in the future. * Among all the unmarried couples in the Fragile Families Survey, the domestic violence rate was 4 percent; however, among the roughly 75 percent of unmarried couples who were cohabiting or romantically involved, the domestic violence rate was lower--1.8 percent. These cohabiting and romantically involved couples would be the main target group of healthy-marriage programs. Marriage as a Protective Institution Contrary to the views of the NOW Legal Defense Fund, marriage tends to protect women from domestic abuse rather than increasing it. In general, domestic violence is more common in cohabiting relationships than in marriages. Analysis from the National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS), administered by the Department of Justice, also shows that mothers who are, or have been, married are far less likely to suffer from violent crime than are mothers who have never married. Specifically, data from the NCVS survey show that:7 * Marriage dramatically reduces the risk that mothers will suffer from domestic abuse. The incidence of abuse by a spouse, boyfriend, or domestic partner is twice as high among mothers who have never been married as it is among mothers who have been married (including those who have separated or divorced).8 * Marriage dramatically reduces the prospect that mothers will suffer from violent crime in general at the hands of intimate acquaintances or of strangers. Mothers who have never married--including those who are single and living either alone or with a boyfriend, and those who are cohabiting with their child's father--are twice as likely to be victims of violent crime as are mothers who have been married.9 The pattern of cohabiting relationships among low-income women is a major factor in the increased risk for partner violence. More than half of all children in poverty come from homes with a never-married mother, and nearly two-thirds of welfare dependence occurs among households with mothers who have never married.10 By intervening at an early point in the lives of women, marriage programs would seek to break this cycle of cohabitation and out-of-wedlock childbearing. They would provide the skills and training needed to help women form loving, stable, and committed relationships before becoming pregnant or moving in with a violent or abusive partner. How the Healthy Marriage Initiative Would Make Women Safer The 1996 welfare reform law established national goals of reducing out-of-wedlock childbearing and increasing two-parent families. President Bush's Healthy Marriage Initiative would seek to meet these original goals of welfare reform by proposing--as part of welfare reauthorization--a new model program to promote strong marriages. His proposed program would seek to increase healthy marriage by providing at-risk individuals and couples with: * Accurate information on the value of marriage in the lives of men, women, and children; * Marriage-skills education that will enable couples to reduce conflict and increase the happiness and longevity of their relationships; and * Experimental reductions in the financial penalties against marriage that are currently contained in all federal welfare programs. All participation in the President's marriage program would be voluntary. The initiative would utilize existing marriage-skills education programs that have proven effective in decreasing conflict and increasing happiness and stability among couples. These programs have also been shown to be effective in reducing domestic violence.11 The pro-marriage initiative would not merely seek to increase marriage rates among target couples, but would also provide ongoing support to help at-risk couples maintain healthy marriages over time. A well-designed marriage initiative would target participants early in their lives, when attitudes and relationships are initially being formed. Typically, such marriage-promotion programs would provide information to at-risk high school students about the long-term value of marriage. They would teach relationship skills to unmarried adult couples before the women become pregnant--with a focus on preventing pregnancy before couples have made a commitment to healthy marriages. The programs would also provide marriage-skills training and relationship education to unmarried couples at the "magic moment" of a child's birth and would offer marriage-skills training to low-income married couples to improve the quality of their marriage and to reduce the likelihood of divorce. The primary focus of these marriage programs would be preventative, not reparative. They would seek to prevent the isolation and poverty of welfare mothers by intervening at an early point, before a pattern of broken relationships and welfare dependence has emerged. By fostering better life decisions and stronger relationship skills, marriage programs can increase child well-being and adult happiness and reduce child poverty and welfare dependence. The Record of Success of Marriage Programs Critics of the President's initiative often claim that there is no evidence showing that the marriage education and enrichment programs envisioned by the Healthy Marriage Initiative would work. This charge is simply false. There is overwhelming evidence that programs that provide marriage-skills training help couples to increase happiness, improve their relationships, and avoid negative behaviors that can lead to marital breakup. No fewer than 29 peer-reviewed social-science journal articles provide ample evidence (from actual experience) that marriage education, training, and counseling programs--some of which have been around for more than 30 years--have significantly strengthened the marriages of the couples that have taken advantage of such programs.12 These studies--integrating findings from well over 100 separate evaluations--show that a wide variety of marriage-strengthening programs can reduce strife, improve communication, increase parenting skills, increase stability, and enhance marital happiness. * One analysis--referred to by scientists as a "meta-analysis"--integrated 85 studies involving nearly 4,000 couples enrolled in more than 20 different marriage-enrichment programs. It found that the average couple, after participating in a program, was better off than more than two-thirds of couples that did not participate.13 * A 1999 meta-analysis of 16 studies of one of the oldest marriage-enhancement programs, Couple Communication, observed meaningful program effects with regard to numerous measures: Couples who took the training experienced moderate-to-large gains in communication skills, marital satisfaction, and other relationship qualities.14 For example, in the critical area of marital communication, the average Couple Communication-trained participants outperformed 83 percent of couples who had not participated in the program. * An analysis of the Relationship Enhancement program shows that it significantly improves marital relationships. As a result of the program, participating couples reported better relationships than 83 percent of couples that did not participate. (Participants in the Relationship Enhancement program were predominantly lower-income couples.) * A study conducted in 2002 documents the effectiveness of premarital inventory questionnaires and counseling in preventing marital distress. This approach yielded a 52 percent increase in the number of couples classified as "most satisfied" with their relationship. Among the remaining couples, more than half reported improved assessments of their relationship. Among the highest-risk couples, more than 80 percent moved up into a more "positive" category.15 * A 1993 meta-analysis of marriage and family counseling noted that, among 71 studies that compared the results of counseling to no-counseling, couples who participated in marriage counseling were better off than 70 percent of couples that did not participate in counseling.16 * An extensive review of the literature on the effectiveness of marital counseling in preventing separation and divorce found dozens of studies demonstrating that counseling was effective in reducing conflict and increasing marital satisfaction.17 This scientific research demonstrates that marriage programs--whether they are called marital preparation, enhancement, counseling, or skills training--are effective. These studies make a strong case that marriages are not merely enabled to survive, but can also thrive when couples learn the skills necessary to make their relationships work. Moreover, the research shows that these programs are effective in a variety of socioeconomic classes. Polls also indicate that the overwhelming majority of low-income couples that are at risk for out-of-wedlock childbearing or marital breakup would like to participate in programs that would help them improve their relationships. Conclusion The institution of marriage has been shown to be overwhelmingly beneficial to children, adults, and society. However, for more than 50 years, government policy has discouraged marriage through the penalties inherent in the means-tested welfare system. There is now a broad consensus that this trend should be reversed and that government should promote healthy marriage. Marriage promotion has the potential to significantly decrease poverty and dependence, increase child well-being and adult happiness, and provide the safest environment for women and children. Opponents of the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative, who claim that such a program would force women into violent and dangerous relationships by coercing or encouraging them to get married, misrepresent the goals of the program. By specifically targeting young adult men and women and at-risk high school students with information about the long-term value of marriage, marriage programs are preventative, not reparative, in nature. They seek to prevent the isolation and poverty of welfare mothers by intervening at an early point, before a pattern of broken relationships and welfare dependence has emerged. By fostering better life decisions and stronger relationship skills, marriage programs can increase the well-being of both children and adults and can reduce the likelihood of poverty, welfare dependence, and violent relationships. Robert Rector is Senior Research Fellow in Domestic Policy Studies, and Melissa G. Pardue is a Policy Analyst in the Domestic Policy Studies Department, at the Heritage Foundation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Roughly three-quarters of the couples who are unmarried at the time of their child's birth are cohabiting or romantically involved. The domestic violence rate for such cohabiting or romantically involved couples, who would be the main target for pro-marriage programs, is slightly less than 2 percent. 2. Information provided by Mary Myrick, Program Manager, Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. 3. NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund, "Why NOW Legal Defense Opposes Federal Marriage Promotion in TANF Reauthorization," p. 2, at www.nowldef.org/html/issues/wel/marriagebackgrounder.pdf. 4. Richard Tolman and Jody Raphel, "A Review of Research on Welfare and Domestic Violence," Journal of Social Issues, Vol. 56, Issue 4 (2002). 5. Patrick F. Fagan, Robert W. Patterson, and Robert E. Rector, "Marriage and Welfare Reform: The Overwhelming Evidence that Marriage Education Works," Heritage Foundation Backgrounder No. 1606, October 25, 2002. 6. The initial, or baseline, interviews for the Fragile Families project began in Austin, Texas, and Oakland, California, in the spring of 1998 and were completed in 18 other cities by the fall of 2000. The baseline set of data includes 4,898 completed interviews with mothers (representing 3,712 non-marital births and 1,186 marital births) and 3,830 completed interviews with fathers. The national sample from 20 U.S. cities is representative of all non-marital births to parents in these cities as well as parents residing in U.S. cities with populations over 200,000. The baseline survey was conducted by interviewing new mothers at the hospital within 48 hours of giving birth; fathers were interviewed either at the hospital or elsewhere as soon as possible after the birth. Three follow-up interviews are to be conducted when the children are approximately 12 months, 30 months, and 48 months of age. The results of the first follow-up interview were released in 2003. 7. National Crime Victimization Resource Guide, at http://www.icpsr.umich.edu/NACJD/SDA/ncvs.html. 8. Robert E. Rector, Patrick F. Fagan, and Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D., "Marriage: Still the Safest Place for Women and Children," Heritage Foundation Backgrounder No. 1732, March 9, 2004. 9. Ibid. 10. National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, 1979-96. 11. Fagan et al., "Marriage and Welfare Reform: The Overwhelming Evidence that Marriage Education Works." 12. Ibid . 13. P. Giblin et al., "Enrichment Outcome Research: A Meta-Analysis of Premarital, Marital, and Family Interventions," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Vol. 11 (1985), pp. 257-271. 14. Mark H. Butler and Karen S. Wampler, "A Meta-Analytic Update of Research on the Couple Communication Program," American Journal of Family Therapy, Vol. 27 (1999), p. 223. 15. L. Knutson et al., "Effectiveness of the PREPARE Program with Premarital Couples," in journal review, 2002. 16. William R. Shadish et al., "Effects of Family and Marital Psychotherapies: A Meta-Analysis," Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 61 (1993), p. 922. 17. James H. Bray and Ernest N. Jouriles, "Treatment of Marital Conflict and Prevention of Divorce," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Vol. 21 (1995), p. 461. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.heritage.org/Research/Family/bg1744.cfm ? 1995 - 2004 The Heritage Foundation All Rights Reserved. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Apr 5 18:38:02 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 18:38:02 -0400 Subject: CMP Research Executive Summary/CMP training sched/Mentors- 4/04 In-Reply-To: <68.3d378f2b.2da30cd6@cs.com> Message-ID: subject: CMP Research Executive Summary/CMP training sched/Mentors- 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY EFFECTIVENESS RESEARCH - COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY/MARRIAGE SAVERS SCHEDULE - MENTOR RESOURCES - DIRECTORY LISTINGS - COVENANT LEGISLATION EFFORTS IN IOWA ###################### - COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY EFFECTIVENESS RESEARCH The Executive Summary of the new research on Community Marriage Policies is now available on the Smart Marriages web site. Go to http://www.smartmarriages.com Click on Marriage Reports (5th item down under the puzzle piece) and then on the report: Assessing the Impact of Community Marriage Policies on U.S. County Divorce Rates Paul Birch, Stan Weed, Joseph Olsen, Executive Summary March 2004 (4th item). ######################## - COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY/MARRIAGE SAVERS SCHEDULE > Diane, > > You sent the notice to the list about the Marriage Savers training last week > in Springfield, Ohio and you said Mike McManus will present a training in July > in Dallas as part of the Smart Marriages Conference. Might there be other > chances to see them? If so, how do I find that information? > > EZ You're not the only one to ask. I suspect it's the new research on the effectiveness of the Community Marriage Policies that is sparking interest. Here is their upcoming schedule. Please note that Mike and Harriet will be in Dallas twice - this month and again in July. Each time they will present the two-day training. For dates into the future, visit their web site at marriagesavers.org. - diane April 16-17: Coldwater, MI. Call Pastor Jim Erwin, 517 238-8918 April 23-24: DALLAS. Call Cosette Bowles: 214 274-4828 May 8: Bethesda: Premarital only at the McManus' home church from 8:30-4 p.m.. Call Harriet McManus 301 469-5873. May 14-15: Winston Salem, NC: Call Deane Grossclose at 336 759-8012. June 4-5: Louisville. Call Rev. Robert Jennings, 502 228-1176. July 7-8: DALLAS: Two day preconference training in how to create a Marriage Savers Church that virtually eliminates divorce, with pastors who have done it, along with a team that includes Mike & Harriet McManus, David & Claudia Arp, Joe and Michelle Williams, Richard Albertson. Mike and Harriet will also meet with pastors who are considering creating a Community Marriage Policy on April 1 in Frederick, MD, April 20 in Memphis, April 26 in San Antonio, April 27 in Westminster, MD and at the American Association of Christian Counselors in Greensboro, May 21. For details, call Peggy at 301 469-5873. ########################## - MENTOR RESOURCES > We are looking for guidance in encouraging and expanding marriage mentoring in > our church. Can you recommend video courses or other resources that may be of > assistance? > Diane Marks > MountainTop Community Church > Birmingham, AL > Hope you can attend the Smart Marriages conference - there will be numerous training institutes and workshops focused on recruiting and training mentor couples. Contact me if you'd like to discuss sending a group to the conference and we can go over what they might take. In the meantime and in case you can't make it to Dallas, see the Directory of Programs at Smart Marriages for Mentor resources. Visit http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html Then click on Mentor Programs for resources and training ideas. - diane ######################### - DIRECTORY LISTINGS: > Where can we get classes to learn how to stop a possible divorce? We live in > Houston, Texas. > Sincerely, > KA I receive dozens of requests like this one asking for classes. I refer the requests to those listed on the Directory of Programs. There are no programs listed in Houston. Wish someone from Houston area would list. - diane ##################### - COVENANT LEGISLATION EFFORTS IN IOWA Covenant marriage bill faltering http://desmoinesregister.com/news/stories/c4780934/23961596.html By LYNN OKAMOTO Register Staff Writer 04/02/2004 An attempt by Iowa lawmakers to establish "covenant marriages" in Iowa is faltering in the final weeks of the 2004 legislative session. The legislation, which would give couples the option of a type of marriage that is harder to establish and harder to break, was scheduled for House debate Wednesday and Thursday. But both days, the bill wasn't taken up. "There's still concern among a number of members here about being involved in that topic," said House Majority Leader Chuck Gipp, a Decorah Republican. Under House File 2455, couples choosing a covenant marriage would be required to undergo 12 hours of premarital counseling. Divorce could be granted only in the case of adultery, imprisonment, abandonment for one year, physical or sexual abuse, or a separation of two years. Since committee approval of the bill March 2, Republicans have watered it down in an attempt to get the bill signed by Gov. Tom Vilsack, a Democrat. "I'm concerned that he would not approve the covenant marriage bill because lawyers typically don't want anybody messing around with no-fault divorce," said Rep. Danny Carroll, a Grinnell Republican. In working to strike compromise, the bill has been through several versions. A recent plan would have required couples to get premarital counseling and decide how any children would be affected in case of a divorce. "That didn't meet with enough members' favor on both sides of the aisle for it to be brought out to the floor," said Rep. Mark Smith, a Marshalltown Democrat. "My prediction is that it is not coming up." Carroll hasn't given up entirely. The bill is a priority for him, and he plans to think about it over the weekend. "Doesn't mean it's a priority for everybody," he acknowledged. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Apr 6 16:29:37 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 16:29:37 -0400 Subject: Air/Institutes/Memphis/Divorce/Michigan - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Air/Institutes/Memphis/Divorce/Michigan - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - INSTITUTE QUESTION - AIRLINE RESERVATIONS - MEMPHIS: FIRST ANNUAL HEALTHY MARRIAGE SUMMIT - SCOTLAND: DIVORCE WAITING TIMES TO BE CUT - MICHIGAN CONTACTS? - MICHIGAN: MANDATORY MARRIAGE PREPARATION WILL HELP ############################# - INSTITUTE QUESTION > Diane, > I'm not clear. In your message to the list yesterday are you saying we have > to take certain basic intro courses before we can take the advanced courses > focused on sex, substance abuse, domestic violence, and so on? If so, which > are the basic courses and which are advanced? I don't see those designations > on the web site or in the conference brochure. > Deena Sorry if that email was confusing. There are no prerequisites for ANY of the Institutes. Many clinicians, for example, attend just to take training institutes like McCarthy's #907 "Couples Sexual Awareness", Birchler/Fals-Stewart #113 "Learning Sobriety Together" or Stosny's #902 "Self-Regulation: Love without Hurt & The Compassion Workshop". There are no requirements/qualifications - you don't have to be a clinician or mental health professional to take any of the institutes. They're all open to everyone - clinicians, clergy, marriage educators, lay educators, the public. And, you can take them in any order you like. I was simply answering a question from someone who said they started by taking the Community Marriage Policy training, went on to take basic marriage education skills program training, and now wanted to know what they should add to their repertoire for their congregation/community. - diane ######################## - AIRLINE RESERVATIONS Because the conference is the week after the July 4th holiday and during the heavy summer vacation travel time, I urge you to make your travel arrangements ASAP. I made my reservations today and I was surprised at how many flights were already booked! For special conference discounts on American and Southwest, see the web site: http://www.smartmarriages.com/hotel.travel.html Let me know if you run into any problems in booking travel or hotel so I can head things off at the pass. - diane ###################### - MEMPHIS: FIRST ANNUAL HEALTHY MARRIAGE SUMMIT April 20, 8am -12:15pm Memphis Cook Convention Center FREE! with continental breakfast included. Advance registration required. Join faith and community leaders to include: Mayor AC Wharton; Bill Coffin and Carlis Williams--Administration for Children and Families; Mike & Harriet McManus--Marriage Savers; and George Young--Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. Email familiesmattermemphis at hotmail.com to request Summit and registration information. #################### - SCOTLAND: DIVORCE WAITING TIMES TO BE CUT Apr 6 2004 WAITING times for couples who want to divorce will be slashed under a shake-up of family law in Scotland. The limit would be lowered from five years to two in contested break-ups and from two years to 12 months in uncontested cases. ###################### - MICHIGAN CONTACTS? > Diane, > Do you have marriage education or CMP contacts in the state of Michigan > that a faith-based organization could partner with to promote healthy > marriages? > > What is the best way for me to get my organization involved with the Healthy > Marriage Initiative. One of our visions is a Counseling Project for families & > marriages. > > Pamela J. Hudson, Director > Global Projects for Hope, Help & Healing > Advance Consulting, Inc. > 20110 Trinity > Detroit, MI 48219 > wrapword02 at yahoo.com > ####################### - MICHIGAN: MANDATORY MARRIAGE PREPARATION WILL HELP > Diane - > We've had a little argument running in the Grand Rapids Press. A group of > judges decided to only marry couples undergoing marriage preparation. You saw > and distributed the article: > (http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/smartmarriages.0403/msg00010.html). > The next week the Press editors came out against the program. This is really > the first and only public resistance we've had to our efforts in the last 7 > years. > > If you are interested, here's our response. > Mark Eastburg > Mandatory marriage preparation will help, not hinder, couples tying the knot > Saturday, April 03, 2004 > > I wish to applaud the Grand Rapids District Court judges for their decision to > require couples they marry to seek marriage preparation ("Court aims to help > spouses stay civil," Press, March 6). > > As the executive director of Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids, I have been > involved in implementing and reviewing the Kentwood District Court pilot > program, which the Grand Rapids judges studied before deciding to adopt a > similar marriage preparation requirement in their court. > > The Kentwood pilot program, which is now four-years-old and has served almost > 550 couples, has provided a model not only for Grand Rapids District Court, > but also for communities nationwide. > > Certain important facts and details, not mentioned in The Grand Rapids Press > article or editorial, illustrate why this policy represents a sound exercise > of judicial discretion and does not infringe on personal rights or privacy. > > Contrary to The Press' March 12 editorial ("Untying the knot: Mandatory > premarital counseling an undue intrusion into lives"), the judges of the > district court of Grand Rapids are not guilty of shirking their civic duty if > they decline to marry couples. While many public officials and clergy in > Michigan legally perform wedding ceremonies, none is required to do so. Just > as clergy may decline to perform weddings for certain personal or professional > reasons, judges may as well. In fact, many eligible public officials have made > it their personal policy not to perform weddings. > > If couples do not want marriage preparation, they have other options. There > are and always will be public officials or clergy who do not require marriage > preparation. The fact that the Grand Rapids District Court judges have asked > for marriage preparation in their court does not mean that they are trying to > "micromanage the personal relationships" of an entire community. People do > have choices. If they think marriage preparation is a bad idea for them, they > can find someone who will accommodate them. > > Marriage preparation is effective in preventing divorce and the kind of > government intrusion into the lives of citizens that concerns The Press. > Several studies show that couples who avail themselves of marriage preparation > have a better chance for marital satisfaction down the road. Anyone who has > been through a divorce can attest that when a marriage ends, government > "micromanaging" begins in earnest -- dictating when you will see your > children, how often, how much money you will pay in support, etc. > > The Press article and editorial repeatedly refer to the program offered as > counseling. This is a marriage preparation class, not a counseling session. > Participants are not required to talk or answer any personal questions if they > prefer not to. It is offered in a casual, informal setting at a community > center. > > The overwhelming majority of the almost 550 couples who have taken the > Kentwood class do not perceive it as paternalistic, another concern of The > Press. In fact, our research shows that 91 percent of participants said they > would recommend the class to a friend, and 81 percent felt better prepared for > their upcoming marriage as a result of attending the class. > > Our research, as well as a national survey commissioned by Families Northwest > in Washington, also has shown that couples seeking civil ceremonies tend to be > at higher risk for divorce than those who seek religious ceremonies. > > They are more likely to be marrying for a second or third time, more likely to > be marrying as a result of a pregnancy and more likely to have limited > financial resources. This program makes marriage preparation resources > available to those who may not otherwise have access to these services. > > In the words of one person attending the Kentwood class: "It gave me a > realization of what marriage was all about. Brief. But needed." > > Thanks to the judges of Grand Rapids District Court for carefully and > conscientiously deciding to help the couples who choose to get married by them > enter that marriage with a better chance for success and happiness. > > MARK C. EASTBURG, > Executive Director > Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids > Grand Rapids > Mark.Eastburg at PineRest.org Mark will present a workshop on this model in Dallas. I highly recommend that all CHMIs add this program for all the obvious reasons. - diane 317 - Fri, July 9, Dallas Strengthening Courthouse Weddings Mark Eastburg, PhD 25% of U.S. couples marry in civil (courthouse) ceremonies and fall through the cracks - miss out on marriage prep, and are at higher risk for divorce. This program meets their special needs. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Apr 6 16:34:02 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 16:34:02 -0400 Subject: Community Marriage Policies Research - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Community Marriage Policies Research - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - MARRIAGE SAVERS' COUNTIES SPEED DIVORCE RATE DIP - STUDY: MARRIAGE PROGRAM HAS IMPACT ############################## - MARRIAGE SAVERS' COUNTIES SPEED DIVORCE RATE DIP THE WASHINGTON TIMES By Cheryl Wetzstein April 6, 2004 ?? ??? Divorce rates are falling faster in U.S. counties that have a program in which clergy offer premarital counseling and other marital-support services than those without the program, says a study released yesterday. A review of 114 counties with a Marriage Savers' Community Marriage Policy shows that divorce rates fell by 8.6 percent in four years and 17.5 percent in seven years. In comparable counties without a marriage policy, divorce rates fell 5.6 percent in four years and 9.4 percent in seven years. The Institute for Research and Evaluation in Salt Lake City spent two years studying 114 counties with a Community Marriage Policy, which asks local clergy of all faiths to sign statements saying they will require premarital counseling before they marry a couple and offer enrichment, mentoring and reconciliation services to married couples. These "extraordinary results" show what can happen with "a truly grass-roots effort run entirely by volunteers," said Diane Sollee, who manages the national Smart Marriages conferences and directs the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "Imagine what could be done with funding and administrative help," she said. The Bush administration is working to direct $1.5 billion to pro-marriage initiatives, said Wade F. Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the Department of Health and Human Services. This lower divorce rate translated to about 31,000 saved marriages, said Stan Weed, president of the institute and lead author of the study, which is expected to be published soon in the peer-reviewed Family Relations journal. Divorce rates already are falling, probably because of a decade's worth of pro-marriage activism and increases in cohabiting and older-age marriages, said David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values. Still, more needs to be done to reduce divorce because the nation's high divorce rate threatens the well-being of millions of children, he said. Marriage Savers is founded and led by syndicated columnist Michael McManus and his wife, Harriet. "The crucial ingredient," he said yesterday, "are mentor couples" who are trained to help struggling couples. Meanwhile, a Gallup poll has found that although 27 percent of Americans have been divorced at some point in their lives, only 10 percent are currently divorced. This means that roughly six in 10 divorced people eventually remarry, said Frank Newport, editor in chief of the Gallup Tuesday Briefing, which polled 1,005 adults in March. "So while marriages may fail, the will to be married endures," said Lydia Saad, senior Gallup Poll editor. ???? ############################ - STUDY: MARRIAGE PROGRAM HAS IMPACT By Karen S. Peterson USA TODAY April 6, 2004 Clergy who band together to pledge publicly to preserve marriages may help lower the divorce rates in their communities, according to research presented Monday at a news conference in Washington, D.C. The intensive Community Marriage Policy involves clergy of various faiths who agree publicly to require rigorous pre-marriage education programs for the couples they marry and to provide marital support for those already wed. The new study, paid for in part by the federal government, estimates that counties with the marriage policy experienced a decline of 8.6% in divorce rates over four years, while a control group of counties without such a policy showed a decline of 5.6%. After seven years, the divorce rates fell an estimated 17.5% in areas with such policies and 9.4% in comparison counties, says the research from the non-profit Institute for Research and Evaluation. ''Though we can't explain everything with the data we got, something is happening in these communities that seems to be affecting the divorce rate,'' says Stan Weed, president of the institute. ''It seems reasonable to attribute the decline to those policies.'' The complex study included 114 communities in 122 counties, plus a control group of equal size. The marriage-policy communities signed up between 1986 and 2000; most were followed for seven years. University of Texas researcher Norval Glenn has reviewed the research and calls it ''sound.'' The marriage policy is the brainchild of Mike McManus, president of the non-profit Marriage Savers. He and Weed presented the study, joined by experts that included Wade Horn, assistant secretary of Health and Human Services for children and families. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Apr 7 16:19:02 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 16:19:02 -0400 Subject: For better or worse, but not for elder care? -4/04 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: For better or worse, but not for elder care? -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - A PAINFUL SOURCE OF MARITAL STRIFE: WHEN AN ELDERLY PARENT MOVE IN This will be a growing challenge facing marriages as the population rapidly ages. So many of us in the Coalition are already facing these issues, and for the rest of us it's just around the corner - or should I say, over the hill. Check out these workshops at the Dallas conference: > 404 - Sat July 10 > Caring for Marriage while Caring for Aging Parents > Terry Hargrave, PhD, Sharron Hargrave, > Through movie clips and life stories, learn how to outwit the pitfalls that > can drive a wedge between couples and how, instead, to turn caretaking > challenges into opportunities for love & growth. > 215 - Fri July 9 > 10 Great Dates & Second Half of Marriage > Claudia & David Arp, MSW > Teach two proven programs in your church and community. 10 Great Dates will > bring couples of all ages in the door and Second Half of Marriage will help > empty nesters reinvent their relationship! > 812 > Loving Your Relatives: When You Don?t See Eye-to-Eye > David & Claudia Arp, MSW > Most extended families have at least one strained relationship. Learn how to > have realistic expectations, set boundaries and be civil, calm and clear even > when you disagree. WORK & FAMILY By SUE SHELLENBARGER A Painful Source of Marital Strife: When an Elderly Parent Moves In Wall St. Journal April 1, 2004; Page D1 When Jennifer Barker decided to take her 75-year-old mother into the Cleveland bungalow she shared with herfianc?, he reluctantly agreed. Three years later, after her mother had a series of strokes, falls and accidents, the couple was on the verge of splitting up, Ms. Barker says. Unable to leave her mother alone at home, she and her partner, who was by then her husband, "couldn't even go out to dinner any more," Ms. Barker says. Angry that they had so little time together, her husband felt "he didn't have a life." In an era when extended families are supposed to be getting weaker, more families are moving their aged relatives into their homes to care for them. A study set for release next week shows that 24% of the nation's caregivers to an elderly or disabled relative lived with the person they were caring for in 2003, up from 21% in 1997, says Gail Gibson Hunt, president of the National Alliance for Caregiving, Bethesda, Md. The data are from the first comprehensive national caregiver study since 1997, conducted by the alliance and the AARP, based in Washington, D.C. Soaring costs for long-term care are driving the trend. The average nursing-home bill for a semiprivate room rose 11% last year from 2002 to $158.26 a day, or $57,765 a year, says a nationwide survey by MetLife's Mature Market Institute. The cost of assisted-living facilities rose 10% to an average $2,379 a month, or $28,548 a year. The potential rewards of taking in an aged parent are profound. Beyond simply providing service to one's family, caregivers may deepen old bonds and see new ones form. Michelle Baker, of Bethesda, says her four-year-old daughter, Lauren, grew close to Ms. Baker's ailing mother when she lived with the family. Her mother, who has cardiac disease and dementia and has had several strokes, slept in a separate bed in her granddaughter's room, "surrounded by Barbies, dress-up outfits and dolls," Ms. Baker says. The two told bedtime stories, and Lauren did her grandmother's hair. But all the usual challenges of elder care -- job-family conflict, burnout and a resurfacing of old family tensions -- are multiplied several times over. A few new ones are added, including disruption of family life and loss of sleep. To keep your family whole and healthy, it's crucial to anticipate such problems and address them quickly when they surface. Studies show a link between living with an aged relative to provide care, and losing or quitting your job or cutting back your hours. Ms. Barker in Cleveland missed so much work on her former job as a medical-billing assistant that her boss fired her, she says. "He said, 'It's either me or her,' "referring to her mother; Ms. Barker chose her mother. Strapped by the loss of income, she and her husband used up all their savings. It's important to anticipate your need for flexibility, and arrange it with your employer in advance, or find a new job that offers it. Exhaustion is rife among co-resident caregivers. Harold Harris and his wife were continually awakened to help his mother, 95, go to the bathroom at night. Desperate for sleep, the Lanham, Md., couple placed her in a nursing home for a week's respite. He's considering hiring a home-care aide a few nights a week. Families like the Harrises are one reason the nonmedical home-care industry is booming. Industry revenues have surged to about $11 billion a year from $8 billion in 1998, estimates Paul Hogan, president of Home Instead Senior Care in Omaha, Neb. Another big provider of home care, Visiting Angels Living Assistance Services, Havertown, Pa., added 70 franchises last year, bringing its total to 200. The cost of a home health aide ranges from about $12 to $22 an hour for help with activities of daily living such as dressing and eating. While that adds up, most families use aides only part-time, making it a cheaper option than a nursing home. In another challenge, the presence of a frail, needy relative in the home can disrupt family relationships. "Children are having to share Mommy or Daddy with this other person," says Donna Schempp of the Family Caregiver Alliance, a nonprofit in San Francisco. Ms. Baker in Bethesda says her mother and young daughter got along well, but there was squabbling with Ms. Baker's three-year-old son; he couldn't understand why Grandma, who has dementia, handed him a pot when he asked for a cup. He also started crawling into bed with Ms. Baker and her husband at night, a habit she's trying to break. " 'His world is in chaos with your mom there,' " she says her pediatrician told her. Ms. Baker, who also works from her home as a communications consultant, hired a geriatric-care manager, a private elder-care adviser and caseworker, to help solve the problem. The manager helped find an assisted-living facility for her mother and aided her in the transition. Marriages, of course, can suffer too. Ms. Barker in Cleveland says that though her husband understood her mother's problems and wanted to be supportive, he felt overwhelmed by her needs. They found themselves fighting over small matters. Intimacy, social life, time alone together -- all dried up. " 'I didn't sign on for this,'" Ms. Barker says he told her. "Well, neither did I," she replied. Afraid for her marriage, Ms. Barker finally placed her mother in a nursing home. While that meant breaking a promise made to her mother long ago, she felt she had no choice. Today, her mother is flourishing in a nursing home and enjoying an improved social life, Ms. Barker went back to work as a medical auditor, and her marriage is recovering. ``````````````````````````````` GETTING HELP Some Web sites that can help locate services or provide support for caregivers to aged relatives For advice and referrals Your area aging agency: www.eldercare.gov1 Geriatric care managers: www.caremanager.org2 For a break Home-health agencies: www.nahc.org3 Adult day-care programs: www.nadsa.org4 or see Yellow Pages Nursing homes for occasional respite care: www.medicare.gov5 (click on "Nursing Home Compare") For resources and articles www.nfcacares.org6 www.caregiver.org7 www.caregiving.org8 ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Copyright 2004 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 8 08:43:00 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 08:43:00 -0400 Subject: Markman & Stanley/Happily Ever After - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Markman & Stanley/Happily Ever After - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - "IN PERSON" - HAPPILY EVER AFTER? COMMITTED COUPLES NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT ######################## - "IN PERSON" The article below features Howard Markman and Scott Stanley who will again, live and in person, present their PREP 3-day Institute Training at the Smart Marriages conference. I point that out because it's such a wonderful opportunity to spend three days with the masters - the top researchers in the field and to be trained to teach the course by the creators of the program. It's not often we get to study with the founders of a program and also hear the very latest on research and their thinking. I'm prompted to point this out because of a caller yesterday who said she'd seen the conference ad several times in NASW but always assumed the long list of presenters meant "the conference was based on the theories of these people - it couldn't possibly mean they'd really BE THERE IN PERSON. Could it?" I said, YES, we've got the founders of the programs themselves "in person" teaching the programs they created - Olson, Gordon, Miller, Hendrix - the list is long. And, what's more, the experts are not only there but they make themselves very available to attendees. They attend sessions, luncheons, roundtables and hang around at the exhibits. They mix. Not only will Markman and Stanley present the institute, they'll also present a keynote and several workshop sessions during the conference on topics like research, myths in the field, teaching PREP in the Army, in prison, in Oklahoma - lots of chances to interact. And, for the first time, they'll include the teaching of Christian PREP in the three day PREP training Institute. - diane > 101 Three Days - July 6, 7 & 8, Dallas Smart Marriages > The PREP/Christian PREP Approach > Howard Markman, PhD, Scott Stanley, PhD, Natalie Jenkins > Videos, role play, and research shed light on both marital failure and > success. Qualifies you to present the PREP or Christian PREP program to help > couples communicate, manage conflict, and nurture fun, friendship and intimacy > in marriage. For more information on the programs, materials or to register: http://www.smartmarriages.com/prepinstitute.html - HAPPILY EVER AFTER? COMMITTED COUPLES NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT Jenny Deam Denver Post Apr. 8, 2004 12:00 AM Most couples who walk down the aisle feel sure, maybe even a little smug, that their marriage will be the one that succeeds in the one-in-two divorce rate. Will it? Can it? Most experts agree that the two most important elements to finding happily-ever-after are communication and commitment. "Everyone wants a lifetime marriage, but they know in the back of their minds they can get out. That changes your behavior," says Andrew Cherlin, professor of public policy at the Johns Hopkins University sociology department who specializes in marital studies. Scott Stanley, an adjunct professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies there, agrees. Too often people second-guess their choice of a spouse long after the cake has been cut. In previous generations such thinking wasn't even a consideration. "It was, 'I'm not making a choice, I already made that. I'm now making the best of the choice I made,' " Stanley says. Of course, some marriages are disastrous, especially in abusive relationships. No one says all marriages can or should last. Still, Stanley says couples today move too quickly from frustration to disillusionment to an escape clause. Conflict in a marriage is inevitable, but how spouses handle it often means the difference between success and failure. When couples fight, it is a good bet that one of the "Big Three" is at its root: sex, kids, money. Divorce planners, certified divorce financial analysts who work with spouses who split, offer advice for couples that could keep them from breaking up. ??Talk about money issues early and often. It's not the most romantic discussion couples will have, but being on the same page about financial goals could ease tension in a marriage. Find out who is the spender and who is the saver. Decide how the family should invest. ??Both parties should be educated about the family's finances. Don't let one spouse handle all the money alone. Knowing how the money is spent and where it's socked away can promote security in a marriage. Ray Bade, a Lakewood, Colo., husband and father of five, says the real problem is usually a failure to communicate on those issues rather than the issues themselves. One person might not express needs or feelings. Another might not listen. Bade says that causes trouble in his own home. Bade and his wife, Tania, help lead weekend retreats, sponsored by Worldwide Marriage Encounters, for couples hoping to enrich their marriages. He says the triggers for conflict have not changed much in the past generation or two, but the packed schedules of today's couples add new tensions. Technology, meant to simplify lives, can separate couples as they tune each other out in an effort to relax. "The worst enemies in a relationship are the two people in it," says Howard Markman, also a co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and a professor in the psychology department. "We destroy our own love." The biggest culprit is lack of communication. Everyone hears that, but what do you do about it? Expressing your wants and needs and, more important, listening to your partner, are learned skills. "You have to stay attached (through communication) through all the crud that goes on in life," says Gregg Gorman, a Centennial, Colo., psychotherapist who specializes in relationship building and rescue. "Most affairs are because people have detached," he says, not because of sex. Despite the hand-wringing that often comes over the state of matrimony, Markman, who co-authored with Stanley 12 Hours to a Great Marriage: A Step-By-Step Guide for Making Love Last, remains optimistic. "For most people," he says, "it is possible to have a happy marriage." ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Apr 14 13:00:55 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 13:00:55 -0400 Subject: Dallas/Ft Worth Marriage Savers training next week - 4/04 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: Dallas/Ft Worth Marriage Savers training next week - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - DALLAS/FT WORTH: MARRIAGE SAVERS OPPORTUNITY RIGHT ON YOUR DOORSTEP - AND SUBSIDIZED! IT COULDN'T GET EASIER! I'm sharing excerpts from an announcement on the Dallas/Ft Worth Community Marriage Policy/Marriage Saver Training next weekend in Dallas. Please forward this to anyone you know in the Dallas/Ft Worth area that could avail themselves of this subsidized training. This training will never be more affordable than this! The effort will culminate with the signing of a Dallas/Ft Worth Community Marriage Policy at the opening of the Smart Marriages conference on July 8. - diane > For 30 years there has been one divorce for every two marriages in America. > Last week, the Washington Times and USA Today heralded results of new > research that testifies to the effectiveness of Community Marriage Policies > in significantly lowering divorce rates. Communities and congregations > across America are becoming part of this success story including two Texas > cities, Austin and El Paso. Now is the time for Dallas/Ft Worth to join the > win column by creating an active Community Marriage Policy to strengthen > marriages and families in our congregations. And, it couldn't be any easier! > > In less than two weeks, Mike and Harriet McManus, pioneers of the national > Community Marriage Policy movement, will be right here in Dallas to train > mentor couples! And, the FAR Foundation is underwriting the costs! > > Save the dates: Friday night, April 23 and Saturday, April 24. The Parkway > Hills Baptist Church is the place and the cost to you is only $100 for every > TWO couples (the fee covers complete Marriage Saver materials)!! > > All congregation leaders (lay and staff) of all denominations are encouraged > to register for this Biblically-based training. We ask each congregation to > send 4-10 couples to be trained in 5 areas: pre-marital, enrichment, crisis, > stepfamilies, and reconciliation. These couples will have experienced the > highs and lows of marriage and may have even once considered divorce > themselves - and are all the stronger and more effective as mentors for their > experience. They will serve as a core group who can help you as you minister > to the unique needs of your church body. > > Registration couldn't get easier. Simply go online to www.FARfoundation.org > and click on Marriage Savers. Submit the number of couples you want to > attend from your congregation the then put your check in the mail as you > select your team of couples. > > You will find that a day-and-a-half of training will make a life-time of > difference to the families of your congregation. A life-changing program at > a minimal cost at a convenient location. It doesn't get any better than > this! > > If you have questions, contact Cozette Bowles at: Cozieb at aol.com or 214- > 274-4828 or 214-369-5717. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Apr 14 17:30:23 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 17:30:23 -0400 Subject: Media: 20/20/NPR/Infidelity/Compatability Study/Reality TV - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Media: 20/20/NPR/Infidelity/Compatability Study/Reality TV - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - TERRY REAL ON 20/20 FRI APRIL 16, 10PM EST - A CHANCE TO CONTRIBUTE: MONEY ISSUES - AND ANOTHER: MAJOR TV NEWS MAGAZINE ON INFIDELITY - NEW RELATIONSHIP COMPETENCIES TEST: SEEKING COLLABORATOR - REALITY TV: SPERM RACE (???!) ################################ - TERRY REAL ON 20/20 FRI APRIL 16, 10PM EST Terry Real who will present a special invited session at the Dallas Smart Marriages Conference, will be featured on 20/20 this Friday working with an on-the-brink couple using his Relational Recovery Model 10 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Set your VCRs. > 501 - Saturday, July 11, Dallas > How Can I Get Through To You? Reconnecting Men and Women > Terry Real, MSW > Women often want more from men than most have been trained to deliver, setting > women up to nag and men to resist. Use this asymmetry to teach women loving > empowerment, and men to open up and connect. ################################# - A CHANCE TO CONTRIBUTE: MONEY ISSUES Here's another chance to tell the story of how communication skills help you in your marriage. - diane > I am producing a piece for public radio about how people make ends meet these > days. I am interested in interviewing a family of four or more who would be > willing to talk about how they make money decisions. > > Ideally, this family would be facing some of the run-of-the-mill money > problems that we all face these days -- kids are going to be in college soon > so tuition is breathing down your neck, maintenance on the cars is more than > you'd like it to be, maybe your recent assessment has jacked up your > property taxes again, and it just doesn't seem like "all" that money you're > earning is still around after the bills are paid. > > If you would be willing to take part in this piece, I would appreciate very > much hearing from you. If not, if you can forward this to someone who > might, I would appreciate that too. > Richard Paul > rlpaulproductions, LLC > http://www.rlpaulproductions.com > Washington, DC 20016 > (202) 364-0860 - main > (202) 352-7259 - cell > Documentary productions/Fundraiser production ############################## - AND ANOTHER: MAJOR TV NEWS MAGAZINE ON INFIDELITY > A national television news magazine is currently profiling a couple that is in > the midst of an affair. The man is single, the woman is married and doesn't > necessarily want to end her marriage. She's struggling with feelings of guilt > and shame -- while at the same time feeling elated by the passion and > emotional intimacy she is suddenly enjoying with this man. Both participants > think they can control their emotions and avoid any damage this extra-marital > affair could cause to other parts of their lives. Are they naive? > > We are looking for a married couple who has dealt with the devastating > consequences of having infidelity that could give our profiled couple a > reality check. If interested in participating in an on-camera > dialogue/interview, please respond to jim.dubreuil at abc.com before April 23rd. ######################### - NEW RELATIONSHIP COMPETENCIES TEST: SEEKING COLLABORATOR FOR VALIDATION STUDY A graduate student and I have recently completed development of a comprehensive, evidence-based relationship competencies test - more than a year of development effort so far, which we hope will be helpful to the marriage-promotion communities. After reviewing dozens of studies, we concluded that there are seven different competencies (which roughly means "skill-sets") that are helpful in long-term romantic relationshps - the top two being the obvious ones: communication and conflict resolution. Here, sans details, are all seven areas: 1) Communication 2) Conflict resolution 3) Self management 4) Stress management 5) Knowledge of partner 6) Sex & romance 7) Life skills We have developed a lean 70-item Likert-type test that can be taken in 10 minutes and that yields a total score and competency scale scores in a detailed report format. The test also includes internal checks for reliability/honesty. In a small validation study (n=20), the test appeared to be a good predictor of success in past and current relationships. I'm looking for one or more collaborators who (a) are in a good position to carry out a large-scale validation study (retrospective or prospective) or (b) who might have immediate applications for the test. Robert Epstein, Ph.D. West Coast Editor, Psychology Today Visiting Scholar, University of California San Diego Director Emeritus, Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies repstein at post.harvard.edu ######################## - REALITY TV: SPERM RACE (???!) > BBC > April 9, 2004 > BBC to screen first TV sperm race > > Presenters Zeron Gibson (left) and Dr Mike Leahy will take part > > Digital TV channel BBC Three is to broadcast what it says is the first > televised sperm race later this month. > > The race, to be shown as part of the educational Lab Rats series, will pit the > sperm of presenters Dr Mike Leahy and Zeron Gibson against each other. > > It will be filmed inside two tiny glass tubes by a microscope and relayed to a > crowd watching a pub's big screen. > > BBC Three controller Stuart Murphy said it was being done for an audience that > usually "balks at educational shows". > > > The race will take place inside two tiny glass capillary tubes > > It was a "creative risk" but Lab Rats tackled "difficult but important > subjects", he added. > > Dr Leahy, a scientist, and Gibson, a comedian, say they will adopt different > "training routines" to find out how different lifestyle choices affect > reproductive abilities. > > They will then have their sperm measured and tested by fertility expert Allan > Pacey from the University of Sheffield, who will predict which man is likely > to win. > > The programme will be shown on 15 April at 2330 BST and is one of a four-part > Lab Rats series. > > In other shows, Dr Leahy will go 60 hours without sleep to show the effects of > sleep deprivation and the pair will ride a centrifugal machine to nine times > the force of gravity. ###################### ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 15 10:09:33 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 10:09:33 -0400 Subject: Two Op-Eds supporting the Marriage Initiative - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Two Op-Eds supporting the Marriage Initiative - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - DEMS SHOULD SUPPORT MARRIAGE INITIATIVE - MARRIAGE, SOCIETY ############################ Two Op-Eds for use on either side of the aisle. - diane - DEMS SHOULD SUPPORT MARRIAGE INITIATIVE GUEST COLUMN | TOM SYLVESTER Yale Daily News April 14, 2004 Dems should support marriage initiative ? Recently in these pages, the president of the Yale College Republicans argued that, contrary to conventional wisdom, conservatives should endorse gay marriage. As a supporter of same-sex marriage, I think he's right. But as a Democrat, I'd like to present a companion counterintuitive argument: progressives should do more to promote and strengthen marriage. In other words, liberals shouldn't limit their support for marriage to that of the same-sex type. Currently, one-third of all babies are born to unmarried parents. Despite a slight decline in divorce rates, half of marriages are still projected to end in divorce. The result is that 28 million American children -- 40 percent -- live in homes absent their father or mother. The average child today can expect to spend a significant part of her childhood living apart from one of her parents. These statistics are troubling given what scholars know about the relationship between family structure and child well-being. Far from being "just a piece of paper," marriage is the most pro-child social institution we have. Years of research reveal that children tend to do best when they grow up with their biological, married parents (provided the marriage isn't marred by high levels of conflict). Compared to kids in intact, two-parent homes, children from single-parent or stepparent homes are more likely to drop out of school, use drugs, commit crimes and suffer from emotional or behavioral problems. The differences persist after controlling for income, race and other socioeconomic variables. Moreover, such studies can't fully capture the suffering or longing children experience when Dad moves out after an unnecessary divorce -- or when Dad was never around much in the first place. Children deserve to grow up with the day-in, day-out presence and love of both parents. So why don't more progressives speak out on the importance of marriage? First, there's the fear of being perceived as anti-feminist. However, this criticism seems outdated. Promoting marriage does not mean promoting patriarchy, nor does it mean turning a blind eye to domestic violence. Besides, research also suggests that marriage tends to benefit women. Married women tend to be happier, healthier and wealthier than unmarried or cohabiting women. Married mothers are also less likely to suffer from depression or domestic violence. Feminists typically want fathers to take a more equal parenting role, but that won't happen without marriage. There's also the concern about stigmatizing single parents, many of whom struggle heroically to raise their children. But pro-marriage advocates need not -- and don't -- denigrate divorced or unmarried parents and their children. It's a complex world and individual situations differ. Liberals know this and can bring compassion and understanding to discussions about family structure. What liberals shouldn't let happen is allow "tolerance" to slip into indifference when the well-being of children is at stake. Besides, few single parents want their own daughters and sons to grow up to become unwed mothers or absent fathers. Perhaps the most salient factor behind progressives' reluctance to talk about marriage is the fear of sounding, well, "conservative." After all, no liberal wants to be caught agreeing with the Religious Right (God forbid!). But over the last decade, liberal scholars, journalists, policy wonks and politicians have started to speak out on the problems of unwed childbearing and father absence. In a 2002 paper titled, "Progressive Family Policy in the 21st Century," two leading Democratic policy experts, Will Marshall of the Progressive Policy Institute and Isabel Sawhill of the Brookings Institution, sketched out a policy vision grounded in four key principles. Principle number one: "[P]ublic policy should encourage and reinforce married, two-parent families because they are best for children." Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-DC), LAW '64, described the issue well: "The disappearance of marriage in large sections of our communit[ies], poor and middle class, means that elected officials are mopping up while the faucet is still on. We cannot leave this right-wing critique with us on the defensive, acting as if it's really all right. We've got to talk about marriage again. We've got to make it fashionable." Progressives are also better positioned to enact public policies that could increase rates of marriage and marital stability. Some conservatives have a tendency to minimize the economic and structural factors behind fatherlessness and rely too heavily on facile "family values" rhetoric. For example, poverty contributes to unwed childbearing. In low-income communities, there is a dire shortage of "marriageable" men. Men and women with education and stable, living-wage jobs make more attractive marriage partners. Democrats are more likely to expand and create programs to help address those root causes. Nevertheless, even Democrats should support the Bush Administration's Healthy Marriage Initiative. Though it's been mischaracterized as a sop to the conservative base, the proposal is essentially another liberal anti-poverty program. The initiative's goal is "to help couples, who choose marriage for themselves, develop the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain healthy marriages." This translates into using a small portion of welfare dollars to provide increased marriage-related social services, such as conflict management and relationship-skills education, to low-income couples. It subtracts no funding from other anti-poverty activities. All participation is voluntary. As with any new policy initiative, nobody knows if it'll work, but it's worth trying. But wait, shouldn't liberals fight for more money for income supports, child care, education and job training? Yes, yes, yes -- of course. Public policy should do more to help poor parents and children in all types of households. But it's not an either/or situation. No concerned parties can ignore the connections between single parenting, poverty, and child outcomes. Public policy, within appropriate limits, should also try to ensure that more children will grow up in stable two-parent homes. Supporting marriage is a vital part of any comprehensive, long-term anti-poverty strategy. Tom Sylvester is a first year student at Yale Law School. ############################## - MARRIAGE, SOCIETY The Washington Times April 15, 2004 EDITORIALS/OP-ED By Matt Daniels Have you heard anyone say: "Marriage is not the business of government"? This sounds great until one considers that the disintegration of the family ? built upon marriage ? is the driving engine behind many of our most serious social problems. ????No one would argue that crime and child poverty in America are not the business of government. And no one wants to see the government turn a blind eye to the social trends that are doing the most damage to American children. ????Therein lies the problem with the fantasy that the health of the legal and social institution of marriage is an exclusively private matter. ????The reality is that our government is permanently in the business of dealing with the social fallout from marital and family decline, whether we acknowledge the fact or not. This is because decades of social-science studies have proven that most of our nation's most daunting social problems are driven more by family breakdown than any other social variable ? including race and economics. ????So, the time has come to recognize that marriage is a public social good. The health of American families ? built upon marriage ? affects us all. And this is why the president's plan to use a modest portion of welfare funding to invest in building stronger marriages in America is good social policy. ????At present, while the federal government spends large sums of money to treat the social fallout of family decline ? crime, poverty, drug abuse, school dropouts and so on ? we invest almost nothing in marriage-strengthening programs designed to prevent such problems in the first place. ????President Bush wants to change all of that. His Healthy Marriages Initiative would provide at least $1.5 billion in government funds over five years to increase the number of stable marriages in low-income communities. These monies would seek to do three critical things. ????First, this innovative proposal would offer people accurate information about the value of marriage in the lives of men, women and children. Among other things, this research-based information would show that, far from being a "trap," stable marriages typically help men, women and their children enjoy longer life, better health and greater happiness. ????Second, the initiative would teach couples some marriage skills that have been shown to help build stronger relationships, especially in areas such as family budgeting and communications skills. It also looks for ways to overcome conflicts that can leave families stronger rather than weaker. ????Howard Markman of the University of Denver says that numerous studies show that couples can learn such relationship skills. And he reports that a recent study found that clergy in Denver did a better job of teaching about marriage than trained staff in secular programs. ????Thus, it is fitting that the Healthy Marriages Initiative would allow religious institutions that serve needy populations to apply for federal grants designed to strengthen marriage in low-income communities. ????Finally, this proposal would fund innovative research and demonstration projects that are designed to increase the number of stable marriages in low-income communities. Among other things, these experimental programs would seek to reduce the financial penalties against marriage that are currently contained in many federal welfare programs. ????Importantly, participation in the initiative would be voluntary, and the program primarily would be targeted to young couples who are open to or contemplating marriage ? as well as at-risk married couples who would like to avoid divorce but need help building a strong marriage. ????Indeed, the underlying premise of this modest program is that helping people make better life decisions and develop stronger relationship skills will not only lead to greater adult happiness and improved child well-being, but will also result in less child poverty and welfare dependence. Thus, not only will couples and their children benefit from the Healthy Marriages Initiative, but America's taxpayers will as well. ????No man is an island. The same is true for women and children. We all rise or fall collectively with the health of our social infrastructure ? built upon the foundation of the family. This is why healthy marriages are ? in a sense ? everyone's business. ???? ???? Matt Daniels is a lawyer and founder and president of the Alliance for Marriage. ???? ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 15 10:26:23 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 10:26:23 -0400 Subject: Heads UP!! GRANT announced for National Marriage Resource Center - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Heads UP!! GRANT announced for Nat Marriage Resource Center - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? ACF posted a grant announcement in today's Federal Register for a National Marriage Resource Center. The grant applications are due in 60 days. The application spells out exactly what must be included - read carefully and follow instructions to the letter. ACF plans to award $900,000 for the Resource Center for the first year and $4,500,000 over a 5 year period. To access the full 11-page application go to: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/grants/open/HHS-2004-ACF-OFA-FM-0001.html Here are the functions the Resource Center will be funded to implement. > Administration for Children and Families, Office of Family Assistance > Funding Opportunity Title: Healthy Marriage Resource Center (HMRC) > Announcement Type: Competitive Grant-Initial > Funding Opportunity Number: HHS-2004-ACF-OFA-FM-0001 > CFDA Number: 93.647 > > Due Date: Applications are due June 14, 2004. Letters of Intent are > due May 4, 2004. > > The HMRC will have multiple functions which will fall under the > following broad activities: > . Maintain a website clearinghouse on information . . . serve as > a national repository and distribution center for information and > research relating to healthy marriage programs, initiatives, and > activities. > . Maintain a database of local healthy marriage programs for use by educators, > practitioners, government officials and individuals. > . Provide a forum for dissemination of research and information and public > discussion on healthy marriages. Efforts to promote the objectives of the > healthy marriage initiative will include (but are not limited to) a speakers > bureau, an inquiry response system, email and mailing lists, web casts, > conference calls and newsletters. > The HMRC will be responsible for developing effective resource > materials about healthy marriages to support entities developing and > implementing innovative programs to accomplish the goals of the healthy > marriage initiative. > Substantial involvement is expected between ACF and the recipient when > carrying out the activity contemplated in the cooperative agreement. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 15 13:09:10 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 13:09:10 -0400 Subject: Men's Health ranks cities on "marriage viability" -4/04 Message-ID: subject: Men's Health ranks cities on "marriage viability" -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? I've not seen the magazine yet, but will get it by day's end. Maybe Men's Health should get an Impact Award. - diane Madison marriages among first in lasting 4/14/04 William R. Wineke Wisconsin State Journal > "An A represents locales with a firm till-death-do-us-part policy and an F > equals pure matrimonial mayhem," the magazine explains. Who'd have thunk it? Madison turns out to be one of the best cities in the country for stable marriages. Men's Health magazine - which seems to feature the city in just about each of its monthly issues - lists communities in terms of their marriage viability in its May issue. "An A represents locales with a firm till-death-do-us-part policy and an F equals pure matrimonial mayhem," the magazine explains. The rankings deal with the number of divorced people in comparison to population, the waiting period before a couple can divorce and the number of divorce lawyers in relation to total population. Madison gets an A in the ratings. Milwaukee and Chicago get B's and Minneapolis gets a C. Other cities with A ratings include Anaheim, Calif.; Fresno, Calif.; Garland, Texas; Glendale, Calif.; Jersey City, N.J.; Lincoln, Nev.; Raleigh, N.C.; San Jose, Calif; Santa Ana, Calif.; Stockton, Calif., and Yonkers, N.Y. Now, this may surprise you: Both New York City and Los Angeles also receive A ratings in terms of marriage stability. Who flunked? The answers here, too, may not be what you expect. Denver flunked, as did Atlanta; Kansas City, Mo.; St. Louis, Scottsdale, Ariz., and Tampa, Fla. Even the much-maligned Las Vegas, with a D, outranked Kansas City for marriage durability. Other cities with D ratings - which makes them roughly equivalent to Las Vegas - are Akron, Ohio; Aurora, Colo.; Buffalo, N.Y.; Colorado Springs, Colo. (home of Dr. James Dobson's "Focus on the Family" ministry); Cleveland; Columbus, Ohio; Dallas; Fort Wayne, Ind.; Fort Worth, Texas; Henderson, Nev.; Indianapolis.; Louisville, Ky.; Miami; Nashville, Tenn.; Oklahoma City, Okla.; Phoenix; Sacramento, Calif.; St. Petersburg, Fla.; Tacoma, Wash.; Toledo, Ohio; Tucson, Ariz.; Tulsa, Okla., and - get this - Wichita, Kan. What all this means is a little unclear; it may just mean that some communities have more lawyers specializing in divorce than does Madison. But, then again, where do those lawyers get their business? Is there some reason why you should care about little surveys like this? Well, yes there is. You should care as a means of civic pride. Year in and year out, those of us who live in Madison have to suffer under the derisive scorn of people who like to call this "sin city" and who walk around wrapped in the not-so-invisible cloak of moral superiority. But, guys, don't get too complacent. Men's Health also notes that "roughly 75 percent of divorces are initiated by women." So, the ratings may be on your side, but, just to be safe, buy a bouquet of flowers now and then. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 15 13:38:22 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 13:38:22 -0400 Subject: "True Love Waits"/LoveU2 - reducing teen birth rate - 4/04 In-Reply-To: <1ed.1e1df8eb.2daff84f@cs.com> Message-ID: subject: "True Love Waits"/LoveU2 - reducing teen birth rate - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - DALLAS ABSTINENCE SESSIONS: - "TRUE LOVE WAITS" LOWERS TEEN BIRTH RATE - TRYING TO TEACH KIDS ABOUT LOVE, SEX AND PROTECTING THE HEART ############################### - DALLAS ABSTINENCE SESSIONS: At the Dallas Smart Marriages conference, check out these programs: > 111 One Day - Thursday, July 8 > Recapturing the Vision: Teach Abstinence & Healthy Marriages To Teens > Jacqueline Del Rosario > This comprehensive program combines abstinence with healthy marriage so that > teens learn to lead successful lives and avoid the pitfalls of teen pregnancy, > STDs and divorce. Qualifies you to teach in schools, health departments, > churches & youth groups. Multicultural. $50 spouse discount. For more > information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/recapturing.html > 910 One Day - Monday, July 12 > How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk > John Van Epp, PhD > Great marriages begin long before the wedding! Learn to teach the 5-hour video > series, "How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk." This training provides techniques and > tools for leading groups in churches, schools, singles & youth groups. Also > learn to talk effectively with your own teens about the five keys to > successful mate selection. This Instructor Certification Packet and training > qualifies you as a "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" instructor. $50 spouse > discount. For more information or to register: > http://www.smartmarriages.com/jerk.html > 216 - Friday, July 9 > Abstinence & Marriage Education > Friends First: Quinceanera - Lisa Rue, Alvaro Pizzaro, MS > Hispanic high school students, mothers & grandmothers mentor middle schoolers > in a faith & character-based program. > WAIT Training Seminars - Joneen Krauth, RN > Teach teens to have the best sex by waiting until marriage with a > benefits-of-abstinence, character, relationship approach. > 313 - Saturday, July 10 > Love U2 > Marline Pearson, MA > This 5-unit curriculum helps teens cultivate a "relationship North Star" and > become smarter about skills, marriage, sex and parenting. > 411 - Saturday, July 10 > The 10 Rites of Passage > Charles Lee-Johnson > This abstinence, fatherhood & marriage ed program teaches at-risk youth > responsibility to self, family and community, and a focus on long-term life > goals. > 701- Sunday, July 11 > Marketing Chattanooga Style > Julie Baumgardner, MS, Rosalyn Hickman > Effective strategies -- using both paid and free advertising -- get out the > message about marriage, fathering and abstinence and increase participation in > community marriage events and classes. > 813 - Sunday, July 11 > How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk > John Van Epp, PhD > Great marriages begin long before the wedding. Learn what parents should teach > and singles should know about the five keys to successful mate-selection, and > how to avoid the "love is blind" attachment-syndrome. ***Also, I highly recommend the keynote from the Reno 2003 Smart Marriages conference: "Sex Ed: The Missing Link" by Marline Pearson. Order session #753-P3 on audio cassette or CD or on video tape or DVD at 800-241-7785 - diane ############################## - "TRUE LOVE WAITS" LOWERS TEEN BIRTH RATE April 14, 2004 Column #1,181 "True Love Waits" Lowers Teen Birth Rate by Michael J. McManus Ten years ago Southern Baptist churches began asking their teenagers to sign a "True Love Waits" pledge of chastity. This was derided by groups like Planned Parenthood who argued that it was unrealistic to expect teenagers to remain chaste till marriage. Planned Parenthood's answer is comprehensive sex education which assumed teens would be sexually active, and urged them to have "safe sex" with condoms. It did not work. In 1970, only 29 percent of females aged 15-19 had premarital sex. By 1991, the figure shot up to 54 percent. The greatest increase was among the youngest teens. In 1970, less than 5 percent of 15- year-olds had experienced sex. That soared five-fold to 26 percent by 1988. The consequences have been devastating. There were only 59,000 births to unmarried teens in 1950 which skyrocketed ten-fold to 522,000 by 1990. And that is in spite of 364,000 abortions to teenagers in 1990, which were virtually zero before 1970. When teaching contraception increased teen pregnancy, sex educators got birth control clinics opened nearby, then moved into the schools, finally simply handed out condoms. All of this with federal funding. The emotional impact of premature sex has been devastating. Teen rates of depression have soared and teen suicides quadrupled from 2.7 per 100,000 in 1955 to 11.1 in 1995. Amidst this moral chaos, Southern Baptists lit a candle of hope, that teenagers might be persuaded to remain chaste. Specifically, Baptist youth groups were urged to sign a "True Love Waits" pledge card that states: "Believing that (ital) true love waits, (close ital) I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, those I date, my future mate, and my future children to be sexually pure until the day I enter a covenant marriage relationship." In 1994 I remember seeing a sea of 211,643 pledge cards displayed in neat rows of plastic holders over acres between the Washington Monument and the U.S. Capitol. Ten years later, a total of 2.5 million teens have pledged "True Love Waits." What has been the impact of this inspiring commitment of young people to moral lives? First, according to the Centers for Disease Control, the percentage of sexually active high schoolers has fallen from 54 percent to 46 percent. And the greatest drop has been among boys! Second, teen birth rates have fallen 31 percent. Chastity is the only real form of "safe sex." Third, teen suicides have fallen 13.5 percent. Fourth, True Love Waits launched an abstinence revolution, moving Congress to appropriate funds for sex education programs that not only make a case for chastity, but teach skills to teenagers on how to resist the lines of the MTV culture: "You would, if you loved me" can be countered, "If you loved me, you would not ask." Unquestionably, the declines in teen sexuality are partly due to providing $144 million to promote abstinence. For example, there is now an Abstinence Clearinghouse that provided many of the statistics you are seeing in this column (abstinence.org) Yet federal and state governments still spend $1.73 billion to promote contraception. "Overall, government spent $12 to promote condoms and comprehensive sex-ed for every dollar to encourage abstinence," reports Robert Rector of the Heritage Foundation. These priorities are upside down, according to parents. A Zogby poll found that 85 percent of parents said the emphasis placed on abstinence for teens should be equal to, or greater than the emphasis on contraception. What can be done? First, more parents need to attend School Board meetings to demand that abstinence education replace comprehensive sex ed. Second, citizens ought to swing behind the President's attempt to nearly double federal funds for abstinence which are a part of the welfare reform bill that died on the Senate floor two weeks ago, thanks to Democratic opposition. This is the same bill which provides the first major funding for marriage education. The bill will surface again in June. Write Democratic Senators. Or better, send teenage pledgers to meet their Senators! Most important, religious youth group in other denominations should go to truelovewaits.com to order pledge cards, father-daughter rings and other material to promote God's plan of chastity. Southern Baptists are organizing an international display of commitment cards on August 22 at the Olympics. Two hundred thousand have already been collected in South Africa. Will your teenagers or those from your church have their pledges displayed in Athens? Copyright 2004 Michael J. McManus ################### - TRYING TO TEACH KIDS ABOUT LOVE, SEX AND PROTECTING THE HEART The Baltimore Sun Susan Reimer March 7, 2004 MARLINE PEARSON wants to change the way we teach kids about sex. At a point in the culture wars where the abstinence-only people and the safe-sex people cannot speak to each other, Pearson offers a provocative alternative: Let's talk about protecting the human heart. Instead of simply urging kids to wait to have sex until they are married, the Wisconsin educator wants to teach kids how to make that marriage work. And instead of demonstrating how to use a condom and showing grisly pictures of what can happen if you don't, Pearson wants to help kids form a vision of what a meaningful relationship looks like. To that end, she has developed a curriculum called Love U2: Getting smarter about relationships, sex, babies and marriage. It is what she uses in her classes at Madison Area Technical College, but she says that can be late in the game to be talking to young people about smart relationships. It should be part of high school health curriculums and parts of it could be taught in middle school, too, she says. "I've seen too many times how troubled and unstable relationships can undo the gains young people have made in education, employment, and in their lives," she said at a recent press conference in Washington, D.C. "We help with everything - housing, GEDs, drugs, food, parenting classes, child care, transportation - only to see it all come apart when they get into a bad relationship." "We already know the factors and patterns linked to bad relationships," she said. "We don't have to wait for the damage to occur and then mop up." Pearson said she would take her skills-based approach to relationships into the high schools, and below, because our children aren't born knowing how to sustain a good relationship - and some children never see one in their own homes or neighborhoods. Relationship skills are what is missing in sex education, she said. "We teach young people about sex, but very little about its context - relationships." Both abstinence-only programs and comprehensive sex education courses fail to provide young people, and especially girls, what Pearson calls a "North Star for their intimate lives." There is no vision, she says, for good love, meaningful sex, commitment, marriage or the importance of fathers and marriage to children. She would teach sex in its emotional and social context. "We need to help teens think through what they want sex to mean, to be aware of the steps of physical involvement and what each step means for their heart, not just their health, then to establish their own boundaries and personal policies on sex." That is a tall order in today's soulless hook-up culture, where sex is about as special as a phone call. Sex has become something kids just do. It has no romantic meaning, but it still has an emotional price, especially for girls. And it may have a human price, too, if a pregnancy results. Pearson would also teach what 30 years of social science has learned: marriage matters to children. Not only do children fare better in households where there are two parents and they are married, but children who are dragged in and out of relationships by a single parent have the worst outcome of any children. Teens need to learn how to make emotional connections, how to keep good relationships moving forward and how to get out of bad ones because it is clear to Pearson that many of the choices they make as teen-agers are the same choices they will make as adults. "We can't teach sex as if it stands alone. We have to help these kids put meaning and emotion back into sex," said Pearson. Then we also have to show them how to protect their hearts from that meaning, and that emotion. "We need to help the next generation do better. For more details on Marline Pearson's curriculum Love U2, including a sample lesson, go to www.dibblefund.org. Copyright (c) 2004, The Baltimore Sun From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 15 13:56:15 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 13:56:15 -0400 Subject: Urgent: NPR today/Heart Attacks/Love Story/prevention-4/04 Message-ID: subject: Urgent: NPR today/Heart Attacks/Love Story/prevention-4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - MARRIAGE ON NPR TODAY - APRIL 15 - ROAD MAP TO DIVORCE - MEN'S HEALTH - VAN EPP SEMINAR A HUGE SUCCESS - FRIENDS, LOVERS LOWER 2ND HEART ATTACK RISK -Study - TELL US YOUR WACKY LOVE STORY - COUPLES FIND COUNSELLING A MIXED BLESSING ######################## - MARRIAGE ON NPR TODAY - APRIL 15 > "Fresh Air" show today will feature John Witte and Nancy Cott talking about > the history of marriage. In DC, it airs at 3 EDT. If you miss it, listen at > http://freshair.npr.org/ ######################## - ROAD MAP TO DIVORCE - MEN'S HEALTH To read the Men's Health article I referenced here earlier today: > Road Map to Divorce - Men's Health Scorecard (A lot of little things can help > end a marriage, including, perhaps, a zip code ) > http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article/0,2823,s1-5-0-0-1258,00.html ######################### - VAN EPP SEMINAR A HUGE SUCCESS Let's replicate this at every college in the country! Certainly should be able to do this everywhere we have a CHMI. - diane > Dianne, every spring, the senior Family Relations majors at Lipscomb > University (Nashville) plan and host the "Lipscomb Conference on Family > Wellness." Past conferences have featured Mike and Harriett McManus, David > Blankenhorn, David Popenoe, Maggie Gallagher, and Judith Wallerstein, to > name a few. However, by far the most popular conference with the student > body was John Van Epp's "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk," Monday, April 12. > > The conference is sponsored by a private fund, so the students were able to > come for free. We never know how many to expect, and frankly, it is never > very well attended by students. We were overwhelmed when over 700 students > showed up on a cold, rainy Monday night to hear Van Epp's lively, humorous, > yet very timely "teaser" for his program. To get students to anything that > sounds remotely like a "lecture" is one thing, but to hold them in rapt > attention for two hours on a Monday evening is nothing short of amazing. > > Yet Van Epp did it, and it continues to be the buzz of the campus two days > later. The students are to be commended for their clever way of marketing > the program. They made a video of interviews which included students, > student athletes, and professors, about their best (or worst) "jerk" > experiences. This video was shown in our convocation (chapel) on Monday to > the entire student body. Some professors in the Dept. of Family & Consumer > Sciences assigned themes on "jerk" relationships, and others in other > departments gave credit for attending the seminar. The senior students made > "No Jerk" buttons that became popular items, and wore the "No Jerk" > T-shirts, which also became a hot item for sale at the seminar. Apparently > we hit a hot button with the students at this university! Furthermore, some > church leaders attended from the community, and will be coming to > SmartMarriages for Van Epp's training in the post-conference session, and > plan to offer "Avoid a Jerk" classes for young people in their churches this > fall. > > We are bringing several students with us to SmartMarriages, and excitement > is running high. Earlier in the afternoon on Monday, one of the seniors, > Justin Sullivan, reported his research findings on "Marriage Matters in > Nashville" at a meeting at the new public library in downtown Nashville. > Justin has been analyzing data from the census, metro health department, > police department, and department of education on the relationship between > marriage and health, education, crime, and economics in Nashville. He is > preparing a series of "fact sheets" on these topics for our Mayor's office. > Metro councilwoman Carolyn Baldwin Tucker brought greetings from the Metro > Council, and although the meeting was not well attended (again, it was a > miserable weather day), Justin did a good job presenting preliminary > findings. I have a student who will be picking up where Justin left off, > and will be working on a full "state of our unions" report to present this > fall. Incidentally, it was Justin who conceived of the idea of a "jerk" > video and did the actual filming. > > To read more about the conference: http://fcs.lipscomb.edu/content.asp?SID=29 > > John Conger, Ph.D., CFLE > Chair, Dept. of Family & Consumer Sciences > Lipscomb University > John.Conger at lipscomb.edu > (615) 279-5729 or toll free (800) 333-4358, ext. 5729 John Van Epp will present a keynote, a Sunday seminar and a post-conference training institute at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference. 910 One Day - Monday How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk John Van Epp, PhD Great marriages begin long before the wedding! Learn to teach the 5-hour video series, "How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk." This training provides techniques and tools for leading groups in churches, schools, singles & youth groups. Also learn to talk effectively with your own teens about the five keys to successful mate selection. This Instructor Certification Packet and training qualifies you as a "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" instructor. $50 spouse discount. To register or for more information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/jerk.html ########################### - FRIENDS, LOVERS LOWER 2ND HEART ATTACK RISK -Study Wed Apr 14, 2004 07:08 PM ET LONDON (Reuters) - Don't knock your friends: they could save your life. Heart attack survivors with a close friend, relative or lover to confide in are half as likely to suffer further heart attacks within a year as patients without a shoulder to cry on, a study shows. The study, published this week in the British Medical Association's journal Heart, tracked nearly 600 patients for a year after they had a heart attack. "Patients with a close confidant had only half the risk of a further cardiac event of those without a confidant," the study said, adding that the finding held even when adjustments were made for a host of other heart disease risk factors. Those without a close relationship were more likely to drink heavily, smoke and use illicit drugs. But those factors alone did not explain their increased risk of additional heart attacks within a year, the study found. The scientists said they still do not know why having a confidant helps keep a second heart attack at bay, but one possibility is that a close friend or partner may make sure a patient seeks treatment early and sticks to it. ####################### - TELL US YOUR WACKY LOVE STORY USA TODAY 4/12/200 Love is in the air! As wedding season quickly approaches, brides-to-be across the country are scrambling to tie up loose ends in preparation for the big day. USATODAY.com would like to hear the wacky tales of how you and your partner met and fell in love. In the new film Laws of Attraction (in theaters nationwide April 30), two high-powered divorce attorneys (Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore) fall in love after they're pitted against each other in a public divorce between famous clients. Do you have a similar tale? Send your submission to lifefb at usatoday.com Please include your name, address and daytime phone number. We'll randomly select three readers, who will receive a flower arrangement once a month for a year courtesy of New Line Cinema. ############################# - COUPLES FIND COUNSELLING A MIXED BLESSING The Age April 9, 2004 > The study found that couples with children were unprepared for the > difficulties of parenting after divorce. > In the project, parents were told about divorce's impact on children and how > to put children's interests first, but not about the problems they would meet. Which just goes to show, that all such programs and projects can be improved - another reason to support the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative and its funding of pilot programs and program refinement and development. But, saving 20% of seriously troubled marriages is no small victory. - diane ------------- A British project aimed at salvaging failing marriages has produced some surprise findings, writes Clare Dyer. Nearly one in five couples seriously considering divorce stayed together after getting marriage counselling and information about divorce, according to the findings of a project in Britain. The government-sponsored project was set up to test the use of such help as part of a proposed move to no-fault divorce. A follow-up study of couples after two years provides a picture of how couples deal with failing marriages and post-divorce parenting problems. Among surprise findings in the report from Newcastle University were that men were less likely, after divorce was contemplated, to go on living with their spouse if they had children under the age of 11. This was "the opposite of what might have been expected", say the researchers, who analysed almost 1500 questionnaires and carried out 131 in-depth interviews. "This suggests that the presence of young children tends to push men out of marriage." The idea of offering marriage counselling for people considering divorce stemmed from research in the 1980s, which found a significant proportion of people who divorced regretted it later. In the latest research, about 19 per cent of people who were seriously contemplating divorce managed to save their marriages. But the finding comes with the caveat that there was an "absence of stability" in many of the "saved" relationships and not all were seen as happy. "There were some people who felt secure in their marriage while acknowledging that it had been through a difficult period; others who felt that their marriage still presented problems, although they had learned to manage them; some who were desperately unhappy and contemplating whether to end their marriage; and others who had already taken the decision to separate at some point in the future," the report says. "Listening to some accounts has led us to believe there are couples who endure what can only be described as ghastly marriages, which appear to offer little in the way of happiness and much in the way of misery. Despite high divorce rates, clearly some people have a strong commitment to marriage as something which should endure 'until death do us part', and make considerable efforts to make it work." The research casts doubt on the usefulness of voluntary mediation in helping couples resolve their disputes about money, property and children. Only one in four of the couples managed to resolve all the issues in dispute, and fewer than half were satisfied with mediation. The study found that couples with children were unprepared for the difficulties of parenting after divorce. In the project, parents were told about divorce's impact on children and how to put children's interests first, but not about the problems they would meet. - Guardian ########################### To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Apr 16 11:28:14 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 11:28:14 -0400 Subject: Book display/Campus Success/Power of Kissing/Heart Attack-4/04 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: Book display/Campus Success/Power of Kissing/Heart Attack-4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - ROOMMATES - BOOK DISPLAY AT CONFERENCE - CAMPUS SEMINAR A HUGE SUCCESS - POWER OF A KISS: MEDICS TALK OR "LET'S PUCKER UP AND DO SOME CROSS-IMMUNOTHERAPY" - AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS - A LILLY AMONG THORNS ########################### - ROOMMATES If you'd like to share a hotel room at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference and cut costs, please send your name, contact info and arrival and departure dates via email. I'll send the info to others looking for roommates. The rooms are huge - each has two queen beds and a sink & vanity outside the bathroom to make room sharing easy. Double rooms are only $89 a night. - diane ########################### - BOOK DISPLAY AT CONFERENCE On the theory if one asks, many wonder: > Good Morning Diane, > I am writing to find out if there is a way for Dr. Cheryl McClary to place > her books in the conference bookstore for sale during the conference this > summer. > Amy Edwards Smart Marriages doesn't run a book display. We rent exhibit tables, but you probably don't want to rent a whole display table ($580) for one book. Several publishers have exhibits at the conference. If your publisher does, then you're in luck, and they can sell your book. Or, if they are interested, tell them to contact me for an application. This is a book-buying crowd. There is also a book dealer, Mark Trocchi, who runs a "Combined Book Exhibit". (Contact info below). If your publisher has an arrangement with Trocchi, it's likely that he's already planning to display your book - he seems to be good at figuring out which "marriage" titles to display for the publishers he represents. If your publisher is not on his list, you can make an individual arrangement with him. He will also arrange for book-signings at his display. Please realize that the Coalition has no official relationship with Mr Trocchi other than renting him exhibit space - so the negotiations are between you and him. - diane sollee Mark Trocchi, Association Book Exhibits 703-619-5030 info at bookexhibit.com ############################# - CAMPUS SEMINAR A HUGE SUCCESS Wouldn't it be wonderful to replicate this at every college in the country. - diane > Dianne, every spring, the senior Family Relations majors at Lipscomb > University (Nashville) plan and host the "Lipscomb Conference on Family > Wellness." Past conferences have featured Mike and Harriett McManus, David > Blankenhorn, David Popenoe, Maggie Gallagher, and Judith Wallerstein, to > name a few. However, by far the most popular conference with the student > body was John Van Epp's "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk," Monday, April 12. > > The conference is sponsored by a private fund, so the students were able to > come for free. We never know how many to expect, and frankly, it is never > very well attended by students. We were overwhelmed when over 700 students > showed up on a cold, rainy Monday night to hear Van Epp's lively, humorous, > yet very timely "teaser" for his program. To get students to anything that > sounds remotely like a "lecture" is one thing, but to hold them in rapt > attention for two hours on a Monday evening is nothing short of amazing. > > Yet Van Epp did it, and it continues to be the buzz of the campus two days > later. The students are to be commended for their clever way of marketing > the program. They made a video of interviews which included students, > student athletes, and professors, about their best (or worst) "jerk" > experiences. This video was shown in our convocation (chapel) on Monday to > the entire student body. Some professors in the Dept. of Family & Consumer > Sciences assigned themes on "jerk" relationships, and others in other > departments gave credit for attending the seminar. The senior students made > "No Jerk" buttons that became popular items, and wore the "No Jerk" > T-shirts, which also became a hot item for sale at the seminar. Apparently > we hit a hot button with the students at this university! Furthermore, some > church leaders attended from the community, and will be coming to > SmartMarriages for Van Epp's training in the post-conference session, and > plan to offer "Avoid a Jerk" classes for young people in their churches this > fall. > > We are bringing several students with us to SmartMarriages, and excitement > is running high. Earlier in the afternoon on Monday, one of the seniors, > Justin Sullivan, reported his research findings on "Marriage Matters in > Nashville" at a meeting at the new public library in downtown Nashville. > Justin has been analyzing data from the census, metro health department, > police department, and department of education on the relationship between > marriage and health, education, crime, and economics in Nashville. He is > preparing a series of "fact sheets" on these topics for our Mayor's office. > Metro councilwoman Carolyn Baldwin Tucker brought greetings from the Metro > Council, and although the meeting was not well attended (again, it was a > miserable weather day), Justin did a good job presenting preliminary > findings. I have a student who will be picking up where Justin left off, > and will be working on a full "state of our unions" report to present this > fall. Incidentally, it was Justin who conceived of the idea of a "jerk" > video and did the actual filming. > > To read more about the conference: http://fcs.lipscomb.edu/content.asp?SID=29 > > John Conger, Ph.D., CFLE > Chair, Dept. of Family & Consumer Sciences > Lipscomb University > John.Conger at lipscomb.edu > (615) 279-5729 or toll free (800) 333-4358, ext. 5729 John Van Epp will present a keynote, a Sunday seminar and a post-conference training institute at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference. 910 One Day - Monday How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk John Van Epp, PhD Great marriages begin long before the wedding! Learn to teach the 5-hour video series, "How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk." This training provides techniques and tools for leading groups in churches, schools, singles & youth groups. Also learn to talk effectively with your own teens about the five keys to successful mate selection. This Instructor Certification Packet and training qualifies you as a "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" instructor. $50 spouse discount. To register or for more information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/jerk.html ######################### - POWER OF A KISS: MEDICS TALK OR "LET'S PUCKER UP AND DO SOME CROSS-IMMUNOTHERAPY" Pravda April 9, 2004 > Express analysis of genetic compatibility > This is no exaggeration! While you are kissing, your brain conducts instant > chemical analysis of your partner's saliva and issues a "verdict" of your > genetic compatibility. That's why you should not take long until the first > kiss. It is better to establish your compatibility right from the start. I wonder what John Van Epp would say about this advice? Kiss early to weed out the incompatible Jerks? - diane It's been scientifically proven that frequent kissing stabilizes cardiovascular activity, decreases high blood pressure, cholesterol and overall makes one's life better. The following is a medical account of this quite pleasant activity. Dentistry Kissing can substitute for any chewing gum that fights plaque and cavity. The thing is, this occupation, namely kissing, is capable of preventing cavities, similar to toothpaste. Such phenomenon can be explained in the following way. Kissing stimulates profuse salivation which helps protect one's teeth from cavities, since it contains calcium and phosphorus. In addition, passionate kissers are less likely to suffer from gingivitis. Also, saliva becomes neutral in the course of a kiss thus preventing teeth from a number of diseases. Cosmetics A passionate kiss causes tensions in more than 30 facial muscles. It helps to smooth out skin and increase blood circulation. Perhaps, it is better to kiss then use various creams and apply masks? Kissing would surely be more pleasant! Diet We lose no less than 12 calories during every passionate kiss. However, one does not have to be a love fanatic to lose a few extra pounds. Scientists claim that 3 kisses a day (20 seconds each) will be enough to make you lose an entire extra pound. Anesthetic The so-called endorphin hormone serves as an anesthetic. The more passionate the kiss, the more endorphin is being secreted. One kiss is enough to secrete a sedative dose of these hormones, which in fact exceeds a minimal dose of morphine. Also, another interesting aspect of kissing deals with antibiotics. In the course of a kiss, natural antibiotics are being secreted in saliva. They also possess anesthetic effect. Simply forget about painkillers and kiss, kiss, kiss! Anti-stress therapy A kiss prevents the initial formation of stress hormones-glucocorticoids. These are the exact hormones to be blamed for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, muscle weakening, and insomnia. Generally, a kiss can calm down one's nervous system quite effectively and rid oneself of stress. That is why those who enjoy kissing are often optimists. In addition, kissing triggers massive adrenaline rush, which battles stress hormone hydrocortisone and grants us cheerful mood. Finally, at least three kisses a day leave you in a romantic, pleasant mood for no less than 24 hours. Vaccination Our saliva contains the most bacteria. About 80% of them are the same in all people. Nearly 20% of them are unique in every human being. Upon mixing with other particles in the partner's mouth, they trigger various reactions of microorganisms. As a result, this gives one's immune system an impulse to form certain antibodies. Scientifically speaking, this process is termed cross-immunotherapy. Express analysis of genetic compatibility This is no exaggeration! While you are kissing, your brain conducts instant chemical analysis of your partner's saliva and issues a "verdict" of your genetic compatibility. That's why you should not take long until the first kiss. It is better to establish your compatibility right from the start. Overall, kissing has an incredibly positive effect on the organism. Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder, blood infections. Also, you can rid yourself of hiccups by means of -- you guessed it -- kissing! ######################### - AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS Diane: The recent study that showed that having a close confidant reduces the likelihood of suffering a second heart attack tells only a part of this important story. A number of other studies have shown that more important to heart health than the simple presence of a partner is having a loving marriage. For women, marriage stress is more toxic than work stress in causing heart disease and early death. And for both genders, quality of marriage has been found to be a powerful predictor of longevity when recovering from heart disease. The tragedy is that so few heart patients and their loved ones are given information; even fewer are given practical marriage enrichment guidelines in the wake of heart disease. I will be discussing these and other issues during my presentation at this year's conference and the following weekend (July 17) at the WomenHeart's National Conference for Women Heart Patients and their Families. Wayne M. Sotile, Ph.D. Author of: Thriving With Heart Disease wsotile at attglobal.net www.ThrivingWithHeartDisease.com And with our aging population, this is a model we are all going to need. - diane > 504 - Saturday, July 10, Dallas Smart Marriages Conference > After the Diagnosis: Marriage Matters! > Wayne Sotile, PhD > Good marital functioning is never more important than when facing chronic > illness. Learn a practical, tested model to help couples not just manage but > thrive. ########################## - A LILLY AMONG THORNS I want to talk to the ladies about a pretty touchy subject, your appearance. Just as women respond to emotional input, men respond to visual input. That is why, generally speaking, his wife's appearance is very important to a man. Now, before I go much further I want to make one thing perfectly clear. I am talking about looking nice - not perfect. The sad truth is that many women are constantly trying to compete with the perfect "barbie doll" image they grew up with and continue to see every day on the cover of women's magazines. As a result, many women have a very low self image. But I am not talking about perfection - I am talking about being attractive. And believe it or not girls, you can be very attractive to a man without being perfect. (You know what men find attractive? A confident woman - we don't need perfect..) When a woman lets herself go, whether she realizes it or not, she is saying to her husband "you are not worth the effort to look nice". He learns this because he sees that when she knows she is going someplace important, she goes to great lengths to "spiff" up her appearance. She'll fix herself up for an audience, but not for him. Worth the effort Many women keep a sloppy look, claiming that their appearance should not matter to their husband. But you know what that woman does if she becomes a widow? She'll lose 25 pounds, change her hair and get a new wardrobe! When her husband learns of this, you know what he thinks? "I wish she'd pretend I'm dead now." Look, keeping your appearance nice is a simple way you can say to your husband "I love you. You are worth the effort." Then he can say of you: "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens." Song of Songs 2:2 Copyright ? 2004 Laugh Your Way America! LLC - All Rights Reserved. The above is from the Laugh Your Way e-newsletter "Better Marriage Moments" by Mark Gungor. To subscribe to the free newsletter visit www.laughyourway.com. Mark will present at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference in a workshop that is clearly going to sell out - get your registrations in early if you hope to see this one. If you're registered for the conference, this session is included. If you live in the Dallas area and want to attend just this session, you can register for $15 pp. To register go to http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html - diane > 807 - Sunday July 11, 3 - 4:30pm, Dallas Smart Marriages > The Number One Key to Incredible Sex > Mark Gungor > Learn a humorous and incredibly effective approach to understanding the > misinformation that kills off sex and passion, and how to turn things around. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Apr 18 01:20:53 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 01:20:53 -0400 Subject: Marriage Education for the military - 4/04 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: Marriage Education for the military - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - AT WAR - MARRIAGE EDUCATION FOR RETURNING TROOPS - ACTIVE RELATIONSHIPS PROGRAM FOR ACTIVE DUTY TROOPS #################### - AT WAR We're at war - which means thousands of military marriages and relationships are under great stress. There's the stress of "call up" - of being deployed, the stress of long separations, the stress of single-parenting while a spouse is away, the stress and anxiety of having a loved one in harm's way - and the stress of being in harm's way, and then, finally, the stress of returning to civilian and family life. This week I received two similar emails about how our marriage education services are needed and about opportunities to help. We always have a good showing from the military branches at Smart Marriages - which provides many opportunities to network. This year, the Army Chaplains will hold their annual training in conjunction with the Smart Marriages Dallas Conference - they'll all take the "How to Avoid a Jerk" post-conference training to help soldiers do a better job of pacing their courtship process. Ron Thomas & Howard Markman will present a workshop on the Army's Building Strong and Ready Military Families program - which has a $2 million budget in '04. If you'd like to learn more about what the various military branches are doing to meet the needs of service personnel and their families, attend the Military Roundtables Thurs, Fri & Sat mornings, 7:30am - 8:30am. Open to all. - diane > 413 - Saturday, July 10, Dallas > Building Strong and Ready Military Families > Ron Thomas, MDiv, Howard Markman, PhD > This program integrates marriage education with wellness/prevention programs > to strengthen the resilience, readiness & retention of Army families. Key > elements, implementation & research. ############################ - MARRIAGE EDUCATION FOR RETURNING TROOPS > Hi Diane, > I wanted to let you know about possible opportunities for people on > the list. I recently signed contracts with a local Army base, a National > Guard unit and a Coast Guard unit to provide services for returning troops. > I have been asked to teach PREP classes for married military members and > their spouses, as well as "life mapping" and relationship education classes > for single military members returning from Iraq. > I am expecting a minimum of 1000 people to attend the classes in the month of > May alone. (Clearly I'll have to subcontract some of these classes out!) With > over a 100,000 troops rotating back to the United States over the next few > months there should be many opportunities for marriage educators to help with > return and reunion issues. > Interested people should contact their local military bases (including Army, > Air Force, Navy, National Guard and Coast Guard) and get in touch with unit > Chaplains as well as family advocacy offices, mental heath/wellness centers > and military hospitals to see what programs they may be considering > contracting for. > I want to emphasize the importance of "networking" at the Smart Marriage > conferences. ALL these opportunities came my way through people that I have > met at Smart Marriages. The person from the Coast Guard who passed my name on > had attended one of my workshops way back at the 2001 Orlando conference! > Thank you for the great conferences you put on each year and the wonderful > opportunities it provides! > > I've also just been interviewed by Ladies Home Journal for their "Was this > Marriage Saved" column and it's interesting that the couple they'll feature > includes a soldier-husband just returning from Iraq. There is lots of interest > in the military. > Katherine Robredo > robredo at earthlink.net Katherine is presenting several workshops at the Dallas conference and is again presenting her very highly-rated training institute, Warm It Up: > 914 One Day - Monday, July 12, Dallas > Warm it Up: Facilitator Skills and Activities Training > Katherine Robredo, MSW, Maureen Griner, MA > You?ve taken the classes, got certification, now learn how to become a great > presenter. Gain confidence as you practice a variety of exercises designed to > enhance group learning, deal with difficult people, develop your personal > teaching style plus learn applications to different types of groups. $50 > spouse discount. For more information: > http://www.smartmarriages.com/warm.up.html ############################## - ACTIVE RELATIONSHIPS PROGRAM FOR ACTIVE DUTY TROOPS Diane, Thought it might be encouraging to you and others in the coalition to hear about the increase in requests for marriage education training. It seems that FINALLY there are people who "get it" that something can be done to curtail family/marriage breakdown. Program leaders (from ALL programs) need to know that there is currently an abundance of need for good services - especially with the military. I just presented my new 8-hour Active Military Reunions and Active Money Personalities programs at "train the trainer" events at Travis AFB, Calif and I'm leaving in early May for Korea where I'll teach the Reunions, Money and Active Life Skills programs to individual soldiers and military couples. I'll include training in these new add-on programs at my Active Relationships 2-day post-conference training institute - Active Reunions, Active Refugees, Active Life Skills - to equip attendees to teach the military or couples in any setting. Lots of work for lots of years to come. Let's get busy! Kelly Simpson Active Relationships Program Kelly will present a Financial Harmony seminar, an institute on her Active Relationships Program for schools on Thurs July 8, and her two-day institute on July 12 & 13 that certifies & equips Active Relationships Instructors. > 909 Two Days - Monday & Tuesday, July 12 & 13, Dallas > Active Relationships (AR) Program > Kelly Simpson, MA > Learn to teach key techniques in all four AR Mastery Series seminars: > Communication, Money Personalities, Romance and Intimacy and Active Living - > tools to keep connections strong. Equip yourself to provide a > continuum-of-care for families in any setting. $100 spouse discount. For > more information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/simpson.html ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Apr 18 16:40:29 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 16:40:29 -0400 Subject: Real/ Deployed/ GRANT reviewers needed/Black/Dads- 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Real/ Deployed/ GRANT reviewers needed/Black/Dads- 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - MARRIAGE EDUCATION RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX - REAL WAS REALLY GOOD! - GRANT REVIEWERS NEEDED: URGENT THAT YOU APPLY ASAP - MISTAKE ON THE WEB SITE - BUILDING STRONG BLACK FAMILIES - BEING DAD IS A JOB FOR MARRIAGE ###################### - MARRIAGE EDUCATION "RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX" > Diane, > I'm in the process of being deployed overseas. Any > suggestions on materials or courses which I could > facilitate for the soldiers on building strong marriages. > The study would be a nice diversion for them and might > actually save a few marriages. I think the statistics are > that 60% of soldiers deployed overseas end up divorced. > I'm not sure where I heard that number and it may be > wrong. I just know how tough the military is on marriages. > Appreciate any suggestions of portable programs. > Chaplain Kent Svendsen I suggest you start on the Smart Marriages web Directory of Programs on both the Teach-Right-Out-of-The Box and the At-A-Distance pages. There are excellent programs listed that would perfectly suit your purposes. Out of the Box: http://www.smartmarriages.com/teach.box.html At a Distance: http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html#distance ############################### - REAL WAS REALLY GOOD! > Diane, > Thank you so much for the alert about watching 20/20. I thought Terry Real's > work with that "impossible" couple was wonderful. Please do continue to send > us notices about marriage shows. I watch very little television so don't see > the previews and I love seeing these. I'm also impressed that he'll be > presenting in Dallas. Looking forward to that. > Annette G. Yes, I agree, the couple did seem "impossible" and I'm convinced that shows like this save marriages. Wish there were a way to help more couples see this piece. Maybe we could find a foundation that would make copies available to churches across the country. Sounds like you're coming to Dallas. You might want to order his book in advance and be all the better prepared to benefit from his 90 minute workshop. Here's the book: > HOW CAN I GET THROUGH TO YOU?: > Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women > Terrence Real Paperback, $11.20, Hardcover $17. Scribner, 2002 304 pages > ISBN: 0684868784 Audio CD or Cassettes $21 This groundbreaking book offers > men and women a radical new vision of love and the practical tools to achieve > it. In a time when connection has never seemed more urgent or precious - > Real's work has the power to revitalize troubled relationships, transform the > legacies we pass onto our children, and profoundly impact our culture. > Click here to order the book on amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684868784/smartmarriages ################################### - GRANT REVIEWERS NEEDED: URGENT THAT YOU APPLY ASAP Take all the grant-writing workshops you can, BUT there is nothing like reviewing grants to learn how to write one. Everyone who has reviewed grants says it was THE most valuable experience. Also is a great way to see how your govt works from the inside. Also, isn't it nice that they want reviewers with marriage education expertise!! - diane > It's that time of year again! The Office of Community Services is seeking > interested reviewers to participate in the 2004 Compassion Capital Fund grant > reviews. The reviews are scheduled to occur June 6-11 in Washington D.C. > Hotel, meals, airfare and a stipend will be provided. > > Reviewers with a knowledge of marriage education and preparation services are > needed. > > Interest in reviewing for this program is very high, so please don't delay! > > Register on www.grantreview.net > m=0&ml=1469&qz=c719de831b1be76c47b2a6de1f1f9887> ! > > In order to ensure that you are selected as a reviewer for the Compassion > Capital Fund, please respond to the question "How did you hear about LCG or > Grantreview.net?" by choosing Program Office (Enter Code) and Enter 7601. This > will designate you as a potential Compassion Capital Reviewer. > > In addition, please contact Jocelyn Rowe via email at jrowe at acf.hhs.gov after > you have registered at www.grantreview.net . She > is assisting the Office of Community Services with this process. > > Please understand that response to this communication does not automatically > guarantee your participation as a reviewer for this program. Should you be > selected as a reviewer, you will be contacted by an LCG staff member in the > near future. > ######################### - MISTAKE ON THE WEB SITE > Diane: > In keeping with your request to spot problems in your HUGE web site: > > Though your latest e-mail clarifies it, the actual sub-link > http://www.smartmarriages.com/jerk.html has a misprint. > > Institute - "How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk" Group Facilitator Training > Post-Conference, One-day Training Institute, Monday, June 30, 8:30am - > 5:30pm. > > Should it be Monday, July 12th? > > It continues to amaze me how much material you provide as a service to the > community. That there is a blip or two is insignificant. ;-)> > Jeff I've fixed this mistake. I'm sharing this email as a way of encouraging you ALL to take the time to send me emails when you see mistakes on the web site. I know it takes time but I appreciate it SO MUCH. - diane ###################### - BUILDING STRONG BLACK FAMILIES A Public Conversation Series On Rebuilding Strong Black Families: Marriage, Team Parenting & Community Support Jacksonville, Florida Thurs, April 29 - 9AM - 4PM Mount Olive AME Church 904-354-6085 To register: The National Partnership for Community Leadership (NPCL), in partnership with the National Practitioners Network on Fathers and Families (NPNFF), and other regional and local community-based organizations, has created the Public Conversation Series to facilitate national, regional and local leaders to bring to the forefront and to discuss pertinent issues that challenge the future strength of African American families and to develop strategies to address those challenges. Community-based practitioners, including faith-based organizations, not-for-profit organizations, government agencies, community action agencies, grass roots activists, and concerned citizens, are the organizations and individuals, who should attend the Public Conversation Series. These one-day events seek to: 1. Create a greater awareness of the government's focus on marriage and its relevance to community-based agencies and the African American community. 2. Provide data on the early findings of the national Partners for Fragile Families Site Demonstration Project and its implications for rebuilding strong families. 3. Provide data on recent studies of low-income couples and their potential for marriage and effective team parenting relationships. 4. Provide information on promising practices for working with low-income families, including "50/50" and "Team Parenting". 5. Provide information on funding strategies that support local projects aimed at building strong African American families. #################### - BEING DAD IS A JOB FOR MARRIAGE The Sydney Morning Herald By Bettina Arndt April 17, 2004 Are Australian churches too cowardly to suggest it is in the best interest of children to have married parents? That's the impression I received two years ago when I questioned the wisdom of naming Pat Rafter as Australian of the Year - a tennis icon about to become an unmarried father. Midst the flood of responses, churchgoers wrote in large numbers about the stony silence of their churches on the subject. One woman mentioned she had just been to Mass, where her priest had given a long sermon praising Rafter and never mentioned the marriage issue. "Are we now too scared to stand up and be counted?" she asked, condemning her church for its lack of moral courage. "It is a very strong failure of nerve," admits the Right Reverend Robert Forsyth, the Anglican Bishop of South Sydney, acknowledging the current reluctance of most churches to openly promote marriage for fear of being howled down in a society protective of non-traditional families. Forsyth mentions that as a former rector of a large inner-city church, he used to post messages on a sign outside the church. The only one ever defaced proclaimed "Strong marriages prevent poverty". But the writing is on the wall. There's clear evidence that strong marriages protect children not only from poverty but from a large range of poor social outcomes. In the United States this evidence is prompting churches to find new backbone to promote marriage. And the results have been surprising. A study released early this month suggests church-based marriage saver programs have succeeded in bringing down the divorce rate. For the past five years clergy from a range of churches in 184 cities across America have supported a community marriage policy (CMP), in which trained mentor couples provide rigorous marriage preparation, ongoing enrichment of existing marriages and support for couples in crisis. While the divorce rate overall is dropping in the US, it fell by 17.5 per cent in counties with CMP, compared with 9.4 per cent in other counties. So perhaps the cynics are wrong when they argue there's nothing that can be done to stem the drift away from marriage. Not only are these faith-based efforts apparently starting to bite but there's other good evidence that the annual $240 million the Bush Administration proposes to spend on "healthy" marriage initiatives may prove effective, says Dr Wade Horn, the assistant secretary for Children and Families in the US Health Department, who is visiting Australia. Note the emphasis on "healthy" marriages. That's to counter the knee-jerk reaction that marriage initiatives could force women into marriages with violent men. Sensibly, the American initiatives aim not to coerce anyone into getting married but to "help couples who choose marriage for themselves" to access services to assist them to form and sustain these healthy marriages. Apparently the availability of new "technology" - such as the skills-based marriage education programs - has persuaded governments, churches and communities to back this effort. Horn is convinced the cultural battle has been won. America now believes fathers matter to children. Ten to 15 years ago he suggests it was different. Fathers were then being seen as "optional extras" - like a sun-roof on a car. But the research evidence has swung the debate around to the realisation fathers are more like the fourth wheel of a car ... "without a fourth wheel, you can still move the car down the road, but the ride is far more difficult". Horn may be right in concluding the best hope of keeping that fourth wheel is to support married fatherhood. As past president of the National Fathers Initiative, he has long worked to support non-resident dads but he's pessimistic about most men's chances of remaining effective, involved fathers in those difficult circumstances. Fair enough, but the risk is that by shifting all the policy agenda to promoting married fatherhood, we give up on the battle to help divorced men achieve this goal. Wade brings a new perspective to the discussion of men on low incomes. Research by Monash University recently found such men were missing out on partnering. The researchers suggested the answer lies in increasing job opportunities. Horn reports there's zero evidence that increasing economic opportunities for these men leads to more marriage but a more direct approach can work, as is being found in programs encouraging low-income men paying child support to consider marriage. Both in the US and in Australia, more children grow up without fathers through being born out of wedlock - to single women or in cohabiting relationships - than through divorce. Horn suggests it is possible to change this pattern by a new cultural message. He makes a comparison with teenage pregnancy which in the US has fallen like a stone over the past decade as a result of a concerted societal message that it's a bad idea for teens to have children. And how would we persuade people to avoid out-of-wedlock child-rearing? Target the men, suggests Wade. "We need to tell men the truth. That if you father a child out of wedlock, the odds are that by the time your child turns 16, you will not have a relationship with that child." But you'll still be paying child support, we might add. It makes sense. Out-of-wedlock births may well plummet if we could convince men that fathering in these circumstances is a hiding to nothing. But where are the Australian politicians, the church leaders prepared to take this message and run with it? Copyright ???2004. The Sydney Morning Herald. ######################### ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Apr 21 19:58:14 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 19:58:14 -0400 Subject: Iowa/Tennessee/Los Angeles/Web Sites/divorce - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Iowa/Tennessee/Los Angeles/Web Sites/divorce - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - IOWA PREMARITAL COUNSELING BILL GOES TO GOVERNOR - WANTED TENNESSEANS - LOS ANGELES HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE MEETING - SETTING UP A REGIONAL MARRIAGE RECOURCE WEB SITE? - SPOUSE REGISTRATION - THE VIAGRA DIVORCE ############################ - IOWA PREMARITAL COUNSELING BILL GOES TO GOVERNOR April 21, 2004 DES MOINE (AP) --- Couples would have to undergo 12 hours of premarital counseling or wait longer for a marriage license under a bill approved Tuesday by the Iowa Senate and sent to the governor. The bill, approved 33-14, would set a waiting period of three days with counseling and 20 days without it. It also requires couples to file a parenting plan if they divorce or separate. The bill, passed earlier by the House, was stripped down from an earlier Senate version that would have allowed couples to enter into a "covenant marriage," which would have made divorce more difficult. The bill's supporters say the legislation is a way to help strengthen marriages and slow the divorce trend that they say hurts children. "This is a good step to take. It brings people to the table to discuss issues ahead of time," said Sen. Neal Schuerer, R-Amana, who floor-managed the bill in the Senate. "We are trying to have people understand, truly, the cost of divorce." Some opponents of the bill said marriage is a religious matter and not one for the government to regulate. "There are people that have no faith, no religion, that will be paying a lot of money to get this counseling that they may or may not want," said Sen. Matt McCoy, D-Des Moines. McCoy said he also has concerns over who offers the counseling, saying the requirements under the bill weren't stringent enough and exclude the most highly trained counseling officials from providing service. "You could get counseling from a quack and it would meet this criteria," he said. Sen. Maggie Tinsman, R-Davenport, said the bill did not support covenant marriage contracts, which she said she opposes. "I do think that asking people to get some kind of counseling before marriage .. is a good idea," she said. "I don't think just having a great date on the weekend and deciding to get married is a good idea. It takes more than that." A covenant marriage bill was passed in the Senate in 2002 but went no further. ############################## - WANTED TENNESSEANS > Wanted: Tennesseans interested in helping build strong marriages and > families. Plans are in the works for a statewide celebration of National > Marriage Week February 2005 and we need your help. If you are interested in > participating in the coalition please e-mail Julie Baumgardner at > julieb at firstthings.org We'll also meet several times at Smart Marriages, so > if you plan to be there, look for notices about meeting times & locations. - Julie ############################# - LOS ANGELES HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE MEETING > We would like to invite those in L.A. to the "Los Angeles Healthy Marriage > Initiative Introductory & Registration Forum" Monday May 3, 6-8pm at the > L.A. Department of Water and Power Auditorium 4030 Crenshaw Blvd. > Registrations will include leadership training sign-ups and workshops for the > community at large in marriage education and enhancement. We are offering > programs in Relationship Enhancement, Prepare/Enrich and The M.E.S.H > Course:Marriage Enrichment Sustainment & Happiness. > > La Grande Mason, Jr > Reg. Exec. Dir. Los Angeles Healthy Marriage Initiative > la_halo at yahoo.com > phone toll free 866-263-9954 ######################### - SETTING UP A REGIONAL MARRIAGE RECOURCE WEB SITE? > Dear Diane, > > First - our deepest gratitude for the important work that you do for > Marriages - the basic unit of society and the bedrock upon which our > cvilization rests. I am in awe. My husband and I work in our local > community on a "Marriage Task Force" and would like more information about > how to set up a website - I believe that you had a link that would help > us set up some kind of referral site for the area. We would be willing to > do this and have the web development expertise available. > > We will be attending the SmartMarriages conference this year (our first > time) and are most enthusiastic about the diversity and quality of the > programs you will be offering. Well done!! > > Linda L. Meccouri, Ph.D. If someone is asking about how to set up a Community Marriage Resource Center website it probably means it's time to send the instructions again to the whole list. Community Resource WEB sites are one of THE most important keys to reversing the divorce culture. For complete instructions - a template, examples of other local sites, etc - go to http://www.smartmarriages.com In the far left hand column (under the puzzle piece) scroll down and click on the fourth item: Community Healthy Marriage Initiatives. As soon as you've got your local Community Marriage Resource Center WEB site up and running, send me the url and I'll post it on the Registry of programs. - diane ############################## - SPOUSE REGISTRATION > I have just completed registered on-line for the 2004 Smart Marriages > Conference. It was incredibly simple and convenient! I have a question > regarding the banquet Friday evening. My wife is coming to Dallas with me > but will not be attending the conference. I would like her to join me for > Pat Love Friday evening but I could not register for it as it would then > confuse my employer terribly when it came to reimbursement. QUESTION: Will > I have another opportunity to register for the Friday banquet? > Kevin How nice to hear that it was so easy to register on-line. I do understand your reimbursement dilemma. You do need to purchase banquet tickets in advance - it's too late to add those at the conference. Her banquet "ticket" will appear on your badge - you'll have a "2" on your badge. I'll have Ben, the registrar, contact you and you can figure out if you simply want them to charge the same card you used to register for an additional $36, or if you want to send in a check or use a separate card for her banquet ticket. I would suggest to you, however, that your wife would LOVE the full conference - for only $215 she can attend the full event - and it's wonderful to attend together. Non-professionals love the conference and get just as much out of it as family educators. Or, she could try a one-day registration, in which case, I'd suggest Sat. The Saturday keynotes: Successful Marriage Principles, Divorce Busting, Mars/Venus, How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk and the Sat night play (a musical about love & marriage) will be the talk of the conference. If she registers for one-day ($160) she could attend all those keynotes with you and the Sat night play and also two 90-min workshops. If she registers for the full conference, she'd see 20 keynotes (fun to have her at your side for these), three lunches, and seven 90-min workshops. It's a great "marriage" conference and if she's going to be there anyway, you should consider it. Much more fun than museums. diane ############################# - THE VIAGRA DIVORCE London Evening Standard By Tahira Yaqoob, Daily Mail 19 April 2004 > Viagra has already been cited in dozens of divorces in America, where more > than seven million men take the prescribed pill. > 'It is second in brand name recognition only to Coca-Cola. Nobody had bothered > to ask, might there be a downside? People had come to expect that taking a > little blue pill could solve their personal and relationship problems.' When Viagra was introduced into the UK, it was hoped that its influence on middle-aged men's waning libido would help to save marriages. But at least one British couple found it had the opposite effect - by leading to divorce. A London housewife, who has not been named, cited her husband's irrepressible sexual appetite as 'unreasonable behaviour' in her divorce petition. Although the husband, who is in his 50s, initially took Viagra because their sex life was flagging, his demands soon escalated out of control. Solicitor Brigid Turner, of Boodle Hatfield, who dealt with the case, said: ' One complaint was that Viagra changed his behaviour and his wife found it offensive.' Yesterday there were fears that the case, the first of its kind in the UK, could trigger an avalanche of similar divorce petitions. With more than 500,000 users reported in Britain, there are fears that men who rediscover their libido could cheat on their partners or become too demanding between the sheets. Viagra has already been cited in dozens of divorces in America, where more than seven million men take the prescribed pill. Leading New York divorce lawyer Raoul Felder, who has dealt with at least 70 such cases, said: 'Older men are able to perform so they are going elsewhere. They are seeking younger, greener pastures.' In South Africa, surgeon Christiaan Barnard, who carried out the world's first successful heart transplant, was divorced by his wife Karin when she found Viagra in the 76-year-old's toiletry bag. She said he taunted her about wanting sexual adventures elsewhere and concluded he was having an affair. Roy Sutherland, of Viagra manufacturers Pfizer, said: 'Any increase in male libido is usually welcome. Where there is a disparity in the couple's libidos, they should consult a doctor.' Jim Pollard, of the website malehealth.co.uk, said: 'Tablets aren't really the solution to any sexual health problems. The problems are usually much more deep-rooted so it is unfair to blame a drug for a divorce. 'It is much easier to blame something else rather than looking internally at the relationship.' Since Viagra was launched on the market in 1998, a billion tablets have been sold worldwide to more than 20 million men. Dr Abraham Morgantaler, of Harvard Medical School, says in his book The Viagra Myth: ' This is definitely the Viagra Age. 'It is second in brand name recognition only to Coca-Cola. Nobody had bothered to ask, might there be a downside? People had come to expect that taking a little blue pill could solve their personal and relationship problems.' In one case, Judith Domberley, 64, of Philadelphia, was driven to despair by husband Dwight's insatiable sexual appetite and flushed his 300 tablets down the lavatory to get 'a decent night's sleep'. Dwight, 65, responded by starting divorce proceedings and launching a ?50,000 legal action for the 'pain and suffering' caused by losing his tablets. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 22 15:07:08 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 15:07:08 -0400 Subject: Copreneurs- working together/Till death and then what? -4/04 Message-ID: subject: Copreneurs - working together/Till death and then what? -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - SPOUSES ON THE JOB, WORKING THINGS OUT - SECOND CHANCES AT LOVE AND MARRIAGE ############################ - SPOUSES ON THE JOB, WORKING THINGS OUT This article features one of our own, Susan Robison of Couplesbiz.com. I'm including it because so many couples in the coalition are "copreneurs" and I figured you could use some pointers. Or, use it with the couples with whom you work - working together is a rapidly growing trend. Here's Susan's listing on the Smart Marriages Directory of Programs. - diane > CoupleBiz > Working with people who want to blend prosperous work lives with extraordinary > marriages. Susan Robison, PhD with Philip Robison, PhD COUPLES: "Secrets of > Extraordinary Marriages" - a research-based program teaching couples the > skills to turn their troubled or ordinary marriages into Extraordinary > Marriages. Consultations and group seminars. BUSINESS COUPLES: "Working Well > Together" - consultation and seminars for couples who work together. BUSINESS > PROFESSIONALS: "Working Successfully with Couple Clients"- consultation and > seminars on building a repeat/referral business with couples. > Toll Free: 888-755-COUPLE > Email: smrobison at erols.com > Website: www.CoupleBiz.com By Cari Shane Parven Special to The Washington Post Tuesday, April 13, 2004 "When I am angry with him, I just give him the silent treatment at work," Elaine Tang says with a grin while sipping tea at her Rockville restaurant. We're talking about how she handles arguments with her business partner, who is, in fact, sipping tea with us. For four years now, Tang and her partner have run the popular Rockville Pike dim sum restaurant A&J's, as well as another A&J's in Annandale and a dozen more in China. Restaurant work is hard work, 24/7, Tang says. Her partner agrees. The 24/7 dynamic is especially true for them, since her business partner, Jye (pronounced Jay) Tang, also happens to be her husband. And since a fight at home that comes to work with the Tangs can leave customers with a bad taste in their mouths, the Tangs have had to change their fighting strategies from their pre-restaurant days. It used to be that when Jye went off to his architectural firm and Elaine to the World Bank, they got what most couples get: a cooling-off period. Now that the Tangs, both 55, are part of a growing trend in business ownership, "copreneurship" (defined as married and in business together), they've learned to quell their quarrels quickly for the benefit of the business. James Lea, a family business consultant who is a professor of family medicine at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, suggests that copreneurship is the fastest-growing segment of family-based business. Lea's research has shown that "copreneurship is dramatically on the rise." The reasons range from corporate downsizing to a return to family values. According to Lea, family and a need for flexibility are reasons that copreneurs create their businesses in the first place. "This is another example of how responsibility [to family values] is making an important difference," he says, in the business world. Susan and Philip Robison, psychologists in Ellicott City, say people react strongly when they find out that the couple run a practice together. "There is no neutral point on this topic," says Philip, who with his wife has been counseling copreneurs for two decades and set up a Web site called couplebiz.com. It is either "how much fun it [must] be to work with a spouse or what a bad experience it must be." Evie Altman and Scott Orbach are the principal and president, respectively, of EZGSA in Chevy Chase, which advises small businesses on how to win federal contracts. They are also married and have very different work personalities that often lead them right to the battleground. "We see different solutions to the same problem, and it's not always easy to get to a solution with battling brains," says Orbach, 41. "When I first met him, I told him I would never work with him. I knew how he was," says Altman, 39. "He's one of the best negotiators I've ever met in my life, but he's also one of the most unorganized people and it's very frustrating." Altman says she used to get angry with her husband whenever she asked him for something and he couldn't find it or simply forgot. But instead of banging her head against the wall every day, she found a way to circumvent the problem. She hired an office assistant. Now the assistant deals with Orbach's scattered work style and Altman gets what she needs without the added frustrations. Outsourcing, as Orbach and Altman did, is exactly what the Robisons suggest. "Each spouse should focus on their area of expertise. Delegate and outsource if necessary, and understand your partner's personality and communication style," Susan Robison says. "Evie is a perfectionist," Orbach says. Altman doesn't protest. "Despite the differences, we've survived marriage and business" and three children under 5. They have been married nearly a decade. As it is for most copreneurs running a small business, Altman and Orbach have a long workday. "I do some work from home and we work odd hours. We are a great juggling act," says Altman. And according to Orbach, the business is with them wherever they go, except the bedroom: "The rule is that once we're lying down we can't talk about business." Altman and Orbach's schedule isn't unusual for copreneurs. Kathy Marshack, author of "Entrepreneurial Couples: Making It Work at Work and at Home," warns that copreneurs must find a way to balance love and business. Marshack, who is a clinical psychologist in Washington state, says copreneurs need to be mindful of their business boundaries. Couples need to decide if it's okay to bring work home. Actually, Marshack suggests "implementing a 'cutoff time' for work conversations at home, as well as even driving to work separately" to make a clearer separation between home and work, and spending some weekends apart. Couplebiz.com's Susan Robison recommends that defining roles in business is another important balancing tool for copreneurs. "Actually write up job descriptions for each spouse and make sure they each focus on their own strengths . . . their area of expertise," she says. For the Tangs, who have been married for 30 years, this was easy. As an architect, Jye handles all the restaurants' design issues as well as certain mechanical problems -- such as a broken refrigerator. Elaine, a computer whiz with a mind for math, handles the finances and computers as well as quality control. "But when he sees me overloaded, he comes and helps me more," Elaine says of her husband. Susan Robison adds that couples must "make sure to be collaborative, not competitive." "I'm very clever about competition," says Judith Doctor, who for three decades has shared a Connecticut ophthalmology practice with her husband. "There isn't any because I knew early on to stay away from cataracts, Dr. Daniel's specialty." At home, too, they divided up the chores when taking care of their four children, now grown, clearly defining their roles and creating little room for competition. "He did homework. I did behavior." David and Lois Eisner, both 53, are a good example of "traditional copreneurs," according to Marshack, who says that in 90 percent of copreneurial businesses, the man is running the show. He's the doctor and she's the office administrator at her husband's Rockville dental practice. For 20 years Novocained patients have gotten a front-row seat at the Eisners' office romance. It's not uncommon for David, poking around in a patient's mouth, to call questions over his shoulder about dinner plans or make a comment about a dress he thinks his wife should buy. The business partnership works, he says, because his wife gets it. "Lois knows about the stresses in the office because she's with me. Other wives empathize; Lois actually understands." Adds Lois, "It works because of all the small, stupid things we do for each other." Though copreneurship may be all roses for some, Robison says it's imperative that all copreneurs have a succession plan: "Draw up papers before you start in case one partner decides to step out of the business. Have a plan upfront." That might have been a great idea for Altman and Orbach. They don't have a formal succession plan for the business they created in 1999, when they had only one child. Even though their company has seen a 300 percent growth in business in the last year alone, Altman says she wants out. "Scott is really happy in the business. I would really be happier to be home with my kids." For the Tangs, who have grown children, the juggling act isn't so hard. But there's still the issue of fighting and that heavy dose of post-fight silent treatment. Says Jye Tang, "She uses her charm to settle our fights. She always talks first and settles the argument. I am a man and I can't do that." ########################### - SECOND CHANCES AT LOVE AND MARRIAGE The News Review - Oregon April 18, 2004 This is another long article, but one that deals well with another rapidly growing phenomenon - our aging population and the many who will face dealing with life after the death of a spouse. I get many emails from widows and widowers - veterans of long and very satisfying marriages who suggest that their needs are different than those that divorce. - diane Once widows, local seniors find new love creates positive, life-affirming changes The vows say you'll be together forever. But what happens when your spouse dies? Throughout Douglas County, it's not hard to find those who have loved, lost, and then found a new love. "Marriage vows are 'Till death do us part.' And you've parted at death," said Roger Collis of Melrose, 73, who married his wife Rose, 74, six years ago. "They're gone and they're never coming back. That doesn't mean you can't remember them." Although they have fond memories of the past, several local couples view their new marriages as positive, life-affirming changes. The 2000 U.S. Census listed more than 164,000 Oregonians as widowed. Nationally, almost 31 percent of women 65 to 74 and 9 percent of men of the same age have been widowed, according to the National Statistical Abstract. Tom Blake of San Clemente, Calif., is a newspaper columnist on the subject of senior dating, and the author of the books "Finding Love After 50" and "Middle Aged and Dating Again." In writing more than 600 newspaper columns on the subject, he's seen attitudes change on dating after being widowed. "I think older people are more enlightened these days and they realize that they kind of have a right to pursue a happy life," Blake said. A remarriage can spring out of friendship, and slowly turn into something more. Michael Smith of Roseburg and his wife, Peggy, began spending more and more time together after they met in 1995. Both their spouses had recently died, but Peggy and Michael found they had a lot in common. "I wasn't looking for a wife and I know she wasn't looking for a husband, but, y'know, it's kind of crummy to go out to dinner by yourself," Michael Smith said, remembering the couple's first dates together. Sometimes, a second marriage can happen between those who've known each other for decades. Jack and Pat Katzenmeyer of Roseburg, both 68, met when they were just 10 years old, in fifth grade together at Rose Elementary back in the 1950s, and after both their spouses passed away, a rekindled friendship led to marriage. "We were always friends, but never boyfriend and girlfriend," Jack Katzenmeyer said. A local pastor called remarrying a healthy thing for many solitary widows and widowers. "I've done a number of those senior marriages," said Steve Schenewerk, pastor of Community Baptist Church in Winston. "It's been a blessing to see a lonely widow meet someone and develop a relationship and marry," he said. "It's encouraging to see that." NEW RELATIONSHIPS Although she didn't know it at the time, the former Peggy Abodeely met the man she'd marry the first day she walked into a bereavement group hosted by Mercy Medical Center. It was 1995, and Peggy Abodeely and Michael Smith had both just lost their spouses of decades. Peggy had owned the Browsery shop in Roseburg for 13 years, while Michael had worked for the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers union before retiring. When Peggy came to her first bereavement group meeting that fall, getting remarried certainly wasn't on her mind. "I walked in and there Michael was, sitting by an empty chair and he was pointing to the chair because everything else was filled up," she recalled. "I didn't know if I wanted to go in or not, but I saw him and he smiled." That smile led to the two becoming friends. By Christmas 1995 they were dating. "I didn't know how to act," Peggy Smith said. "I was married 42 going on 43 years. When you're not in the dating scene ... it's weird." Now both in their late 60s, the couple didn't get married until 1999. "We wanted to be sure," she said. Richard and Liz Schmidt of Myrtle Creek were strangers, but their paths had nearly crossed several times. "We were passing each other but didn't know it," Richard, 67, said. Richard, who is retired from being the Myrtle Creek wastewater treatment plant supervisor, had lost his first wife to cancer and second wife to an automobile accident in 2001. They met through an informal singles group Liz, now 70, was a part of. She had been a widow for 22 years after her husband died of a heart attack. Liz, who had worked with the American Red Cross before retiring, played bridge with Richard's sister-in-law. Richard was a bit worried about going out with a group of strangers, so he asked Liz to go out for a meal with him before the singles met, so he'd have someone he knew better there. "It took us about an hour and a half to even order the meal," Richard recalled. "... A lot of talking." The Schmidts married in July 2002 -- a ceremony made particularly sweet because Liz's son Doug, an ordained minister and now a teacher in California, performed the service. Rose and Roger Collis both lost their spouses just two weeks apart in 1997. Despite coming from very different backgrounds, they've made their marriage -- the third for both -- work. She had worked in the corporate world for companies like Gulf Oil in Southern California while he was a sheep rancher in Oakland. After being widowed, Rose and Roger met through a mutual friend and began to see each other socially. "We were just friends and having a good time," Rose Collis said. One obstacle was that to see each other, they had to drive between her home near Olalla and his Oakland ranch, a distance Roger estimated at 70 miles round-trip. "I told him the only reason he asked me to get married was that he was tired of the drive," Rose joked. They married in April 1998. "Our backgrounds are totally different," Roger Collis said. "(But) our likes and dislikes are very much alike." Former elementary school chums, the Katzenmeyers got reacquainted with each other at various school reunions over the years. Pat had married cattle rancher Richard Burney and remained in Roseburg while Jack had traveled, settling in Medford, where he was a partner in a large insurance agency. Pat's husband died in 1996 and Jack's wife in 1997. Jack retired soon after that and decided to take a long motorcycle trip on his Harley-Davidson. "I had previously called Pat and asked her if she would care to have breakfast with me when I came through Roseburg," Jack remembered. "And subsequently I said, well, would you be up for a little adventure?" Jack took Pat, who had never ridden on a motorcycle, on a trip over to the Oregon Coast and back. "My mother had told me never to date a biker," Pat said, laughing. The two met often after that between Roseburg and Medford, Pat remembered. On one trip to Medford, Pat found that "he'd picked blackberries and made me a blackberry pie. How many guys would do that?" The two married in June 1998, at a friend's home overlooking the Umpqua River. REMARRIAGE OBSTACLES Society's image of a second marriage is more tolerant than it once was, author Blake said. "The stigma of years and years ago is pretty much gone, but on the other hand you don't run out the door the day after you've had the funeral," he said. There's no right or wrong answer on how long to wait, Blake said. He used the example of someone who may have spent years caring for a very ill spouse who may be quickly ready to meet someone else after their spouse passes away. But on the other hand, "someone who had a wonderful relationship and the death of a spouse was quite sudden, it could be years, if ever" before they're truly ready to move on, Blake said. Children are often the most concerned about their parents remarrying. They worry about financial issues, or if their parent is being taken advantage of. "Grown children always tend to have an idealized picture of their parents' marriage," Winston pastor Schenewerk said. "When one parent passes, they tend to think the other one should remain celibate." "I try to tell them, if your parents are happy, that's the point, isn't it?" Pat Katzenmeyer's mother, Doris Roark of Roseburg, 89, has nothing but praise for her daughter's remarriage. "Aren't they the happiest couple you ever met?" she said. "I couldn't have been happier for them." Typically a wedding between widowers tries to involve previous family. At the Katzenmeyers' wedding, Pat's mother walked her daughter down the aisle, while all eight of the couple's grandchildren were involved in the ceremony. A second marriage doesn't have to mean getting rid of the past. Schenewerk said that in homes of second marriages you'll often see photos of the deceased spouse prominently displayed -- and that's how it should be, he said. "I encourage them to acknowledge those special days like (their late spouse's) wedding anniversaries or birthdays," he said. LIKE STARTING OVER A new marriage when you're 65 is far different than one when you're 25. The changes can just be the little differences -- bringing together several lives' worth of mementos, furniture and memories. "She had a lot of stuff in 41 years (at her home)," Jack Katzenmeyer, said of his wife Pat. Knute Takle of Roseburg, 85, and his wife Edith, also 85, have been married for 17 years. He said they both came from happy marriages, and have had an equally happy time together. "My feeling is if your first marriage was a battleground, your second is going to be a battleground too," he said. Later in life, temperaments have changed and it's often easier not having young children to deal with, or jobs since many late marriages are between retirees, the couples said. "I know I'm a heck of a lot more forgiving," Roger Collis said. "Don't sweat the small stuff." Everyone has to find what works for them. Jack Katzenmeyer said he wasn't comfortable with living at the ranch his new wife had lived on with her late husband for so long. He said it was better to have a fresh start, and they bought a home near Winchester together. "I wasn't going to live in another man's home," he said. But Liz Schmidt moved into the Myrtle Creek home Richard Schmidt shared with his late wife, although they did some major renovating, knocking out walls and redecorating. "We were really open and honest with each other when we started talking about getting married," Liz Schmidt said. At their age, she said, "Neither one of us can change. We can fine-tune and adjust some but we are who we are." Michael Smith said the marriage always needs to be a fair partnership. "If you just want somebody to bring you beer and wash your clothes ... what kind of relationship have you got? You might as well have hired the maid." All cautioned about being too hasty, saying a remarriage has to be based on genuine affection rather than loneliness. "You don't want to get married just to get married," Rose Collis said. Peggy Smith said she'd highly recommend a bereavement group such as the one she went to through Mercy Medical Center. "When you lose your spouse ... I think that's the hardest loss of any of them," Roger Collis said. STAYING ALIVE Remarried couples are often active, determined to enjoy each other and their lives in retirement. "We're not idle people," said Michael Smith, who, with his wife, is in his late 60s. Indeed, many of the remarried are busier than couples half their age. The Smiths love to golf and bowl several times a week, and have taken several cooking courses. The Schmidts enjoy dancing, and Liz has her bridge club while Dick is heavily involved in the Elks. "I don't know what you'd do all day long if you didn't have anything in common," Liz said. The Katzenmeyers still like to load up on Jack's Harley and hit the road when they can. Once they married, Pat became a University of Oregon Ducks fan, just like Jack, and they go to games regularly. And like many seniors, they all love to travel -- the Collises, in fact, are leaving for a trip to Acapulco this weekend. "If you're really compatible, you just devote yourself to each other and doing stuff together," Rose Collis said. At 17 years, Knute and Edith Takle's second marriage has lasted longer than many people's first. And his contentment sums up the feelings of many others who've found happiness after being widowed. "Frankly, I enjoy every year and every day of every year." Second marriage resources: Several bereavement groups are offered locally that can give support to those who?ve recently lost a spouse: * Bereavement support group ? 10:30 a.m. to noon first and third Tuesdays of month, St. Joseph Church, 800 W. Stanton St., Roseburg. 673-5157. * Bereavement Support Group ? 11:30 a.m. to 1 p.m. third Wednesday of month, Karen?s Coffee Cup, 2445 N.E. Diamond Lake Blvd. 677-2384. * Bereavement support group ? 9:30 a.m. first and third Fridays, 5 p.m. second and fourth Tuesdays of the month, Mercy Community Education Center, 2459 Stewart Parkway. 677-2407. * California author and columnist Tom Blake has a Web site at www.findingloveafter50.com, and a free e-mail newsletter available. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 22 19:26:30 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 19:26:30 -0400 Subject: Fun/GRANTS!!/PAIRS in Philly/Focus/Politics/Fatherhood/Media-4/04 Message-ID: subject: Fun/GRANTS!!/PAIRS in Philly/Focus/Politics/Fatherhood/Media-4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - JUST FOR FUN: - $50,000 MARRIAGE EDUCATION GRANTS - PAIRS TRAINING IN PHILLY MAY 24 - 27 - MARRIAGE MONTH AT FOCUS ON THE FAMILY - MARRIAGES MADE IN POLITICAL HEAVEN - 7TH ANNUAL NATIONAL FATHERHOOD SUMMIT IN ATLANTA JUNE 7 - 9 - HELP WITH THE MEDIA ########################## - JUST FOR FUN: Take a break and listen to marriage sound bites on Joel Saltzman's web site: http://www.shakethatbrain.com/sound-ohshutup.html See Joel at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference where he can even make Marketing fun. > 414 - Sat morning, July 11, Dallas > Shake That Marketing Brain! > Joel Saltzman > Learn to develop a one-of-a-kind vision, then market it like mad with your > personal Action Plan. Practical tips for advancing your career via speeches, > articles, books, websites, radio and TV. ########################### - $50,000 MARRIAGE EDUCATION GRANTS And, to really make your day, here's another grant announcement, the Compassion Capital Fund Targeted Capacity-Building "Mini Grants" - to which I say, $50,000 doesn't sound so "mini" to me! Application Deadline: May 19, 2004 - that's less than 30 days. (Start your engines!) Find the application on the ACF grants web site: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/grants/index.html Click on Funding Opportunity No. HHS-2004-ACF-OCS-EJ-0008 Project Duration: 12 Month Project Period Cost Share: None There will be 100 of these grants awarded of up to $50,000 each. This is the first year there is a marriage education category (!!!), but be aware that there are also three other categories and so there will likely only be about 25 marriage education grants awarded - or fewer. It's a competitive process. Note that last year there were over 1,000 grant applications for this money, which means you must read carefully and follow directions to the letter. This is only an 8-page grant, so this is doable. Also, see the samples of successful grants at www.smartmarriages.com - click Community Marriage Initiatives (far left column, about 4 items down under the puzzle). Purpose: To increase the capacity of faith-based and community organizations to address one of the following priority areas: 1. Marriage Education and Marriage Preparation services to help couples who choose marriage for themselves develop the skills and knowledge to form and sustain healthy marriages; 2. at-risk youth; 3. homeless; 4. social services for those living in rural communities. Applicants must describe, in concrete terms, their plans for using funds to IMPROVE their organization in a SUSTAINABLE way. Grantees must use these awards to increase efficiency and capacity. These awards cannot be used to augment or supplant direct service delivery funds. For example, an organization that distributes food to the poor will not receive a grant simply to purchase additional food. Nor, for example, will an organization that provides substance abuse treatment services receive additional funds simply to enable it to provide exactly the same services to more people. Although these awards might well enable these organizations to assist additional individuals, they would not serve to improve the organizations' sustainability, efficiency, or capacity. Rather, the organizations would simply be using the additional funds in the same way they use existing funds, without fundamentally changing or improving their services. You need to ENHANCE/BUILD new capacity in your organization to qualify. Examples of Capacity Building: - Train trainers in a new curriculum or program - Purchase equipment to set up an office (e.g. computers, fax machines, photo copiers) - Train or hire fundraisers, grant writers - Build community coalitions - pay for meetings, conferences, and other events - Obtain non-profit status for the organization ############################# - PAIRS TRAINING IN PHILLY MAY 24 - 27 Strengthening Community Healthy Marriage Coalitions: A Relationship and Marriage Education Training Featuring the PAIRS Program Led by Rita DeMaria, PhD Be trained and qualified to teach the PAIRS healthy marriage skills program to individuals and couples in your Community Healthy Marriage Coalition! Faith-based community representatives, lay educators, mentor couples, mental health professionals, fatherhood program service providers and domestic violence program providers are encouraged to attend. Guest speakers include Bill Coffin, Dave Lett, and Patrick Patterson from ACF and Derrick and Lena Gillis from Zoe Christian Life Center. Tuition: $375/person Who Should Attend? Those wanting to learn more about the governments? Community Healthy Marriage Initiative. Government, education, business and community leaders promoting healthier communities. Professionals working with children and families: clergy, marriage and family therapists, counselors, social workers, psychologists, judges, attorneys, family life educators, and other human service providers. You will be certified to teach the following PAIRS courses: ? PAIRS Jump Start ? PrePAIRS: A Guide for Jewish Marriage ? PrePAIRS: A Guide for Catholic Marriage ? PrePAIRS: A Guide for Christian Marriage ? PAIRS for Families ? Passage to Intimacy: Emphasizing Fair Fight for Change ? If You Really Loved Me?How to Resolve Hidden Expectations For information visit http://www.marriagedoctor.com/demaria_52404.htm Or, take this same PAIRS Training at the Dallas Smart Marriages Conference. See http://www.smartmarriages.com/institutes.html ########################## - MARRIAGE MONTH AT FOCUS ON THE FAMILY > Good morning Diane, > We just received the May/June issue of Focus on The Family Magazine. In it is > a full-page ad stating that May is "Marriage Month" on the Focus On The Family > Radio broadcast program. Note that Mike and Harriet McManus appear on May 20. > To find stations in your area that carry Focus On The Family radio programs, > click on http://www.family.org/station The topics for the daily radio > broadcasts are: > April 29 & 30 - Getting Married: It's More Than Saying, "I Do" > Neil Clark Warren > May 3, 4 & 5 - 3 parts: What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women > Dr. Dobson > May 6 - Listening to God > May 7 - With Love, to Moms > May 10 & 11 - Safeguarding Your Marriage > Gary and Barbara Rosberg > May 17 - Love in the Midst of Alzheimer's > May 18 & 19 - The Seductive Lure of Internet Porn > May 20 - Before You Wed: Marital Advice > MIKE AND HARRIET MCMANUS > May 24 & 25 - Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch > May 26 - Love Must Be Tough (7 part series) > Dr. Dobson > Working for strong marriages > Dick & Carol Cronk, Lay Directors > Christian Life Center Marriage Builders Ministry, Dayton, OH > web http://www.ohiomarriageresources.org/ ######################### - MARRIAGES MADE IN POLITICAL HEAVEN > First Tuesdays at the Urban Institute Examining > Key Election Issues > Marriages Made in Political Heaven: > Families, Values, and the Election > May 4, 12-1:30 pm > 2100 M Street N.W., 5th Floor, Washington, D.C. > > President Bush is seeking $1.5 billion for his Healthy Marriage Initiative, > which has a special focus on promoting marriage among low-income couples. > While this proposal awaits Senate approval as part of welfare reform's > reauthorization, civil unions and same-sex marriage are being debated > everywhere voters turn. > > Can marriage promotion improve family and child well-being? In what ways do > same-sex couples resemble and differ from heterosexual cohabiting and married > couples? How about the well-being of their children? How are candidates and > voters responding to calls for a constitutional amendment defining marriage? > And what do the answers portend as we head to the polls on November 2? > > Leading researchers will set the stage with facts and findings needed to size > up policy options and their proponents. Then key political strategists will > give their perspectives on how the issues will play out in the 2004 election. > > Seating is limited. To RSVP, e-mail paffairs at ui.urban.org or > call (202) 261-5627. Lunch is available at 11:45. The forum begins > promptly at noon. ######################### - 7TH ANNUAL NATIONAL FATHERHOOD SUMMIT IN ATLANTA JUNE 7 - 9 Concerned about the future of America?s children? If you answered yes, you won?t want to miss out on the premier event for social workers, fatherhood practitioners, clergy members, educators, correctional facility workers, community leaders, and everyone interested in promoting responsible fatherhood. The theme, Fatherhood 4 the Next Generation, expresses NFI?s approach to solving the father absence problem: using today?s innovative technology and resources to solve today?s problems. The Summit features inspiring plenaries, skill-building breakouts, our fabulous fatherhood awards gala, exciting networking opportunities, and exhibitors providing goods and services to assist fathers, families, and children. For more information, contact National Fatherhood Initiative at 301-948-0599 or visit our website at www.fatherhood.org National Fatherhood Initiative (NFI) is a non-profit organization founded in 1994 to stimulate a society-wide movement to confront the growing problem of father absence, and is dedicated to improving the well-being of children by increasing the proportion of children who grow up with involved, responsible, and committed fathers. ########################### - HELP WITH THE MEDIA This producer still needs couples. This one should be an easy way to help get the marriage education story to the public. Please help him. - diane > > Here's another chance to tell the story of how communication skills help you > in your marriage. - diane > >> I am producing a piece for public radio about how people make ends meet these >> days. I am interested in interviewing a family of four or more who would be >> willing to talk about how they make money decisions. >> >> Ideally, this family would be facing some of the run-of-the-mill money >> problems that we all face these days -- kids are going to be in college soon >> so tuition is breathing down your neck, maintenance on the cars is more than >> you'd like it to be, maybe your recent assessment has jacked up your >> property taxes again, and it just doesn't seem like "all" that money you're >> earning is still around after the bills are paid. >> >> If you would be willing to take part in this piece, I would appreciate very >> much hearing from you. If not, if you can forward this to someone who >> might, I would appreciate that too. >> Richard Paul >> http://www.rlpaulproductions.com >> Washington, DC 20016 >> (202) 364-0860 - main ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Apr 26 10:47:46 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 10:47:46 -0400 Subject: Senate to hold hearings on Marriage - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Senate to hold hearings on Marriage - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - POLITICIANS TO HOLD HEARINGS ON MARRIAGE By JEFFREY McMURRAY / Associated Press April 25, 2004 > Four committees are expected to hold hearings over the next two weeks, > beginning Wednesday with a Health subcommittee's discussion on "Healthy > Marriage: What is it and why should we promote it?" > "We have to understand the significance of marriage to society before we go > about the process of what happens if we change it," said Sen. Rick Santorum, > R-Pa., who will chair a May 5 Finance subcommittee discussion on "The Benefits > of Healthy Marriage." > > Winnie Stachelberg, political director of the Human Rights Campaign, said if > the debate is limited to that topic, it could actually help make the case that > homosexual marriages could be beneficial for society. > > "I believe that through these hearings, one will see there may be certain > threats to marriage - divorce being one of them," Stachelberg said. "But one > of those things is not gay and lesbian couples seeking to be married." Speakers for the first two hearings, April 28 and May 5 include Wade Horn, Barbara Whitehead, Joe Jones, Ron Haskins and Julie Baumgardner. - diane - - - - - - - WASHINGTON, D.C. ? Senate Republicans this week will launch a series of hearings to promote the value of traditional marriage, a move some Democrats are calling an election year ploy that is none of Congress' business. According to a GOP memo obtained by The Associated Press, the hearings will represent a "full-court push to educate the public on the importance of marriage." Four committees are expected to hold hearings over the next two weeks, beginning Wednesday with a Health subcommittee's discussion on "Healthy Marriage: What is it and why should we promote it?" "All of this could be very good for America to reacquaint itself with the importance of marriage as an institution for our culture and the danger we face as we move away from them," said Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., who will preside over the first hearing. Democrats say the publicity blitz smacks of politics and dismiss it as an effort to garner votes among the nation's largest constituency - heterosexual married couples. "This is the kind of silliness the public finds appalling," said Democratic political consultant Michael Goldman, who teaches media, politics and law at Tufts University. "Talk about being totally and completely out of step. People don't need Republicans to tell them what a healthy marriage is." Bruce Cain, professor of political science at the University of California-Berkeley, called the motives "transparent." "The Republican Party believes that since the majority of Americans favor heterosexual marriage, not gay marriage, and since it's an issue the Democratic Party has a somewhat more complicated position on, anything they can do to keep the issue on the front-burner of politics is a plus," said Cain. Republicans concede the political dynamic surrounding the same-sex marriage debate in California, Massachusetts and Oregon was part of the reason for the hearings. But they stressed these sessions aren't designed to examine whether homosexual marriages should be recognized. "We have to understand the significance of marriage to society before we go about the process of what happens if we change it," said Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., who will chair a May 5 Finance subcommittee discussion on "The Benefits of Healthy Marriage." Winnie Stachelberg, political director of the Human Rights Campaign, said if the debate is limited to that topic, it could actually help make the case that homosexual marriages could be beneficial for society. "I believe that through these hearings, one will see there may be certain threats to marriage - divorce being one of them," Stachelberg said. "But one of those things is not gay and lesbian couples seeking to be married." The third hearing, May 13 in a Commerce subcommittee, will consider "What social science can tell us about marriage, divorce and children." Another hearing, likely in the Judiciary Committee, hasn't yet been scheduled. Although the hearings won't focus on any specific legislation, one of the other reasons for them is to help nudge a welfare bill that is hung up in the Senate awaiting reauthorization. The bill includes the Healthy Marriage Initiative, proposed two years ago by President Bush as a way to offer cohabiting low-income couples incentives to marry. Copyright 2004 Associated Press. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Apr 26 16:44:08 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 16:44:08 -0400 Subject: State Report/Hearings/Cohabitation/Guaranteed sessions - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: State Report/Cohabitation Study/Guaranteed sessions - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - SENATE HEARINGS - JUST RELEASED: A STATE-BY-STATE REPORT ON STATE MARRIAGE EFFORTS - SESSION GUARANTEES - FREE INSTITUTES?? - COHABITATION STUDY: NEEDS PARTICIPANTS - SMART MARRIAGES CONFERENCE EXHIBITS - BROCHURES AND VOLUNTEERS ################## - SENATE HEARINGS: > Diane, > Can the public attend the hearings that were described in the AP article you > sent to the list? Do you have a schedule of the hearings? Have you found out > who will testify at each one? > PD These are open hearings, you can attend. Get there early to get through security and get a seat - at least 30 min early. Tomorrow Wade Horn, Gov Frank Keating, Stan Weed and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead will testify. On May 5 at 10am, it will be Scott Stanley, Julie Baumgardner, Ron Haskins and Joe Jones. I think. I'll post the others if I can get the info. I'm told you can listen to these live on C-span at the www.senate.gov website, but haven't checked that out. - diane > 2pm - Wed April 28 > Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions > Children and Families Subcommittee > To hold hearings to examine how to promote a > healthy marriage. > SD-430 - Dirkson Building ################ - JUST RELEASED: A STATE-BY-STATE REPORT ON STATE MARRIAGE EFFORTS This 75 page report is FREE to download off the CLASP web site. A limited number of printed copies will be available upon request in about three weeks. Theo Ooms, one of the report's authors, says not to be disappointed if you don't find your efforts listed. The activities in the report must include some level of government involvement as sponsor, funder, or otherwise active partner. Proposals and activities in the planning stages are not included. The report is a snapshot, current as of Fall 2003. "Each week we learn about new activities in the planning stages and proposals awaiting approval and funding." Ooms encourages you to let her know of any new developments at tooms at clasp.org. - diane > Beyond Marriage Licenses: Efforts to Strengthen Marriage and Two-Parent > Families. A State-by-State Snapshot by Theodora Ooms, Stacey Bouchet, and Mary > Parke. Over the past ten years, every state has undertaken at least one > activity or made at least one policy change designed to strengthen marriage > and/or two-parent families ? although most of these efforts have been modest. > This 75-page report, which is the first to provide a state-by-state > description of government-related activities in couples and marriage policy, > includes profiles of seven ?high-activity? states and descriptions of at least > $90 million in recent federal grants for marriage-related demonstration > projects, technical assistance, and research and evaluation. > > DOWNLOAD FULL REPORT: > http://www.clasp.org/DMS/Documents/1082987634.24/beyond_marr.pdf > > PRESS RELEASE: > http://www.clasp.org/DMS/Documents/1082989493.86/beyond_pr_042604.pdf ###################### - CONFERENCE REGISTRATION >> To whom it may concern, >> I am ready to register for your conference but need to confirm before I pay >> that I can be guaranteed admission into #113 Learning Sobriety Together and >> #902 Compassion Program training and the workshops: #214 on couple violence >> and #403 on emotional regulation. I note that you charge a $60 cancellation >> fee. I do not want my credit card to be charged if I can not first be >> guaranteed these sessions. Or, if charged, I do not want to pay a >> cancellation fee. If I can't attend these sessions, my agency will not pay >> for the conference so I will not be able to attend. >> EG I assure you that you are guaranteed admission to these sessions. In fact, if you register this week, I can guarantee you admission to any other sessions for which you are registering. Anyone that registers in the next week will be guaranteed admission to their first choice for all sessions. - diane ###################### - FREE INSTITUTES?? > Hi, > I would like to register for the Post-Conference session July 12 but the > on-line registration won't let me without giving credit information. I > am a teacher for Mesquite School District and received the offer of > attending this institute for free. > What do I need to do? > Lorraine Bennett That's true, the on-line form will not allow you to register without credit card payment. You need to print out the registration form on the web site and mail or fax it in. Note that there are two completely different free School/Youth institutes, #117 and #918. Each presents and overview of 4 or 5 totally different curricula for teaching marriage education skills to youth. You can download the entire brochure or just the registration form on the website - http://www.smartmarriages.com/registration.info.html - diane ######################### - COHABITATION STUDY: NEEDS PARTICIPANTS > I am working on my dissertation with Howard Markman and Scott Stanley and > hoping to find couples to participate in a mail-based study on the reasons > partners choose to live together. It's important research because nearly 70% > of couples live together before (or instead of) marriage and there is > surprisingly little research on what this process is like for people. I am > seeking couples who are unmarried and living together. They?ll be asked to > complete questionnaires by mail for a chance of winning $50. More information > about the study is available at: www.cohabitationresearch.org. > > If you know people who might be interested, please forward this e-mail to > them. I can be contacted at gakline at du.edu or 303-871-3028 for further > information. > Galena H. Kline, M.A. > University of Denver > www.cohabitationresearch.org ################### - SMART MARRIAGES CONFERENCE EXHIBITS: >> Hello Diane, >> Our marketing committee is attempting to get our budget proposed for the new >> year starting July 1 and we are wondering when is the deadline for applying >> for exhibits for the Dallas conference. >> TBM > > You can apply for an exhibit up to two weeks prior to the conference - until > June 21. However, to be listed in the in the on-site packet and on the web > site, exhibitors need to apply 6 weeks in advance - by May 17. - diane ################# - BROCHURES AND VOLUNTEERS: > Diane, > I'm going to a conference next week in MO, can you send me a few hundred > brochures? This conference is at a university, do you still need student > volunteers? > BJ The brochures are in the mail. Thanks for thinking of this. Yes, I can still take approximately ten student volunteers. Please don't tell them to call, instead ask them to email me for an application. Tell them volunteers see the entire conference. They don't miss a thing. They attend the full conference for $55 which includes 3 lunches, and, they can stay in volunteer "dorm" rooms which also helps keep costs down. - diane Can anyone else use brochures? Just email and tell me where to ship them. ################# ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Apr 28 13:36:26 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 13:36:26 -0400 Subject: Grant writing/CBS/Spouse, Volunteer questions/Straights-4/04 Message-ID: subject: Grant writing/CBS/Spouse, Volunteer questions/Straights-4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - SENATOR BROWNBACK HEALTHY MARRIAGE HEARING: MAY 13 - SET YOUR VCR: HEITLER ON CBS EARLY SHOW - GRANT WRITING INSTITUTE: - STUDENT REGISTRATION?? - SPOUSE REGISTRATION FOR SMART MARRIAGES - VOLUNTEER REGISTRATON - WE'RE NOT PROFESSIONALS - SOME STRAIGHT COUPLES OPT AGAINST MARRIAGE ####################### - SENATOR BROWNBACK HEALTHY MARRIAGE HEARING: MAY 13 Testimony by Linda Waite, Pat Fagan and Nicholas Zill May 13, 2:30-4:30 Open to all. ########################### - SET YOUR VCR: HEITLER ON CBS EARLY SHOW Susan Heitler, author of the POWER OF TWO book, workbook, and marriage skills program, will appear on the CBS Early Show on Tues, May 4th between 7:30 and 9am interviewed by Harry Smith on the benefits of marriage education. In Dallas, she will present a workshop on the Power of Two program, a workshop on teaching marriage skills to refugees and a one-day post-conference institute for training Power of Two leaders to work with refugees. > 917 One Day - Monday, July 12, Dallas Smart Marriages > Using "Power of Two" with Refugees > Susan Heitler, PhD, Tatyana Fertelmeyster, MA > The Power of Two program has been adapted for use with a wide range > of refugee families to teach couples and parents communication, conflict > resolution & anger management skills. $50 spouse discount. > For more information: http://www.smartmarriages.com/power.of.two.html ######################### GRANT WRITING INSTITUTE: > Greetings: > I would like to know more about the free Grant Writing and Evaluation Workshop > in Dallas in July. - Daryl VanderWilt That info is on the www.smartmarriages.com website. Click on Conference, then on Institutes. It's #916 - all day July 8. There's a "click for more info" link and a contact link if you'd like to get in touch w/ the presenter, David Mills. This institute will prepare you to apply for federal and foundation grants and it gets excellent ratings. You can't beat the price - it's free to conference attendees. - diane ######################### STUDENT REGISTRATION?? > Diane, > I'm a student and I'm trying to register on-line, but there is no way to do > that. Or, am I missing something? > Carl You're not missing anything. Students have to register by fax or mail because they must enclose proof of student status - a recent fee statement will do. - diane ######################### SPOUSE REGISTRATION FOR SMART MARRIAGES > Diane, > We have several questions. 1) To get the spouse discount for the conference, > do we have to attend the same workshops? 2) When we called and talked to you > about what training institutes to take, you suggested that we attend different > programs so that we'd have several to teach in our practice. But if we do > that we won't qualify for the spouse discount for the institutes. Is that > right? 3) We have friends in Dallas that would like to attend the Sunday > seminars. We see how to register them for the seminars on line. But can they > purchase tickets for the John Gray lunch session on Saturday? We don't see a > way to do that. They'd be fine with just coming to hear him, don't have to > eat lunch. > Ed and Nancy M 1) You do NOT have to attend the same workshops to qualify for the spouse discount for the conference. That's why we ask you to fill out two registrations - because your session choices might be different. You'll be able to sit together at all 9 general sessions, so you'll have plenty of time together. And if you attend different workshops, you'll have lots to discuss in the evening. 2) To get the $50 a day discount spouse institute discount you MUST attend the same institute. You get the discount because you share training materials and because the programs like to train couples who will teach the courses together. And, that is an advantage - both being trained to teach the same course. BUT when we talked we discussed the other advantage - that of having 4 distinct programs to take home with you. Certifications to teach them, and the materials. 3) The only way your Dallas friends can attend the John Gray lunch session is to attend the full day Saturday. I highly recommend this. Saturday is a terrific day for the public members - three exceptional general sessions featuring John Gray (Mars/Venus), Michele Weiner-Davis (Divorce Busting), David Olson (Prepare/Enrich) and John Van Epp (How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.) Their Saturday registration also gives them a ticket to the musical "Jump the Broom" on Saturday night - I've seen it and it's GREAT and it would be fun to attend that with them. And, in addition they can attend two workshops - plenty to pick from that would be great - see the 400 and 500 series on pages 7 and 8 of the brochure - sessions like Couplehood as a Spiritual Path, Sherod's Squares, The Step Couples Lament, How Can I Get Through to You?, Deciphering Our Attraction Codes, Generosity and Loyalty, After the Diagnosis, Imperfect Harmony ....just look down the list - they're all great. Urge them to attend Saturday. I promise you they'll thank you and at $160pp this is and incredible deal. If they don't want to attend Saturday, they can buy individual tickets for the Sunday afternoon seminars - $15 each. They can attend the free PAIRS Preview on Sunday night - 6:30 - 9:30. They can attend the FREE School/Youth institutes on Thurs and Mon - #117 and #918 (they'll learn about programs to teach in Sunday school, schools, or youth groups). And, you can bring them as your guests to the Friday night Banquet - Pat Love on the Essence of Marriage. To do that you add them as guests and we put their tickets on your badge. $36 each. They can also walk through the exhibits for free - that's almost like attending the conference - all the latest marriage resources in one place. - diane ##################### - VOLUNTEER REGISTRATON > Hi > I'm a grad student and would like to volunteer for the 3-day post-conference > institute, Becoming Parents. I won't be able to attend the conference because > I'm in a wedding that weekend, but will be back in time for the institute. A > student in my program volunteered at your conference last year and had glowing > things to say about the experience. Hope I'm not too late. > Nicki C. I'm so sorry but volunteers must work the entire conference in order to get one of the volunteer spots in an institute. Maybe next year. - diane ##################### - WE'RE NOT PROFESSIONALS > Dear Diane, > > We're relatively new to your list and have seen you say several times that the > public and couples are welcome to attend the entire conference, including the > pre and post conference training institutes. But we don't quite understand how > this works. Would we really be welcome in these training sessions? Would be > really enjoy them? We aren't interested in becoming marriage counselors but > are interested in which institute might be most helpful. We are in a > relatively new remarriage with grown children. Please answer as soon as > possible as we're trying to decide whether or not to attend and how many days > to attend. > > Brit and Mandy in Springfield You would be very welcome in the training institutes. One of the best parts of this conference is that we aren't mental health professionals talking about our "patients" and their therapy treatment. Therapy/counseling conferences - due to confidentiality and ethical reasons - can't invite the public to attend. Instead, we are marriage educators talking about which behaviors and what knowledge helps couples create and maintain successful, satisfying, sexy marriages. We are also talking about how best to teach those behaviors. I've heard from several hundred couples that have attended training institutes who said it was the best possible way to learn the material and improve their understanding and their marriages. I suggest you take one of the core marriage education classes - rather than one of the specialized institutes. Email me with the ones you are considering and we can discuss off the list which ones might be most useful to your particular situation and style. You want to also balance the institutes with the workshop you'll each take during the conference. Since you are in a remarriage, you'll want some focus on stepfamily programs even though you say your kids are grown. And, I must warn you that you might end up deciding you DO want to be marriage educators after attending the conference, taking the training and seeing what fun it is to teach the classes. Since I'm sharing this reply with the list, I also point out that you don't have to be a couple to benefit from the training institutes. Many public/lay/non-professional individuals attend and benefit greatly. In fact, I have a niece and a best girl-friend who both say that attending institutes last year changed their lives. We shall see. - diane ###################### - SOME STRAIGHT COUPLES OPT AGAINST MARRIAGE By MARTHA IRVINE AP NATIONAL WRITER April 26, 2004 ? ? Jacob Goldfinger and Jennifer Gaboury, who registered as domestic partners rather than get married, are seen at their "commitzvah" on Oct. 11, 2003, in New York where they said their vows to one another. (AP Photo/Nico Malvaldi) For photo: http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/apus_story.asp?category=1110&slug=The %20Unmarrying%20Kind CHICAGO -- As same-sex couples fight for their right to marry, some straight couples - who could marry if they wanted to - are deciding against it. Instead, they're registering as "domestic partners," an option offered by some cities and counties, mainly with gay and lesbian couples in mind. National statistics aren't available, since some municipalities don't track domestic partners' gender or make their registries public. But experts are noting early signs that, while the marriage rate continues to decline, these alternative arrangements are piquing some straight couples' interest. Some heterosexuals, following a trend already popular in such countries as Sweden and France, choose domestic partnership for practical reasons. Christopher Price and Bonnie Fletcher, both 25, did so in New York City last fall so they could qualify for student housing for couples at Mount Sinai School of Medicine, where they are graduate students. Not ready to marry, Price calls their decision "a good, first, small step." "The first thing you do is you move in. The next thing you do is get a dog," he says, chuckling. "And then you'll find out who's responsible or not." Others are making a political statement - as a show of support for same-sex couples who don't have the same option. And some groups, led by heterosexuals, are even calling for a "marriage boycott" to protest a proposed constitutional amendment defining the institution as between a woman and a man. "I just don't think the state should be in the position of sanctioning who should be a family and who shouldn't," says Jennifer Gaboury, another New Yorker. She and Jacob Goldfinger, both 33, registered as a domestic partners last year and, instead of having a wedding, invited family and friends to their "commitzvah." The ceremony included the traditional Jewish breaking of the glass after they exchanged vows. But there was no minister or justice of the peace - and no marriage license. Gaboury says she arrived at her decision not to marry in college, after realizing that a lesbian friend couldn't do so. Goldfinger grew to share her views. He says getting married "would have been like eating at a segregated lunch counter." Those calling for a marriage boycott applaud the decision, even if dissuading couples from legally tying the knot is difficult. So far, Phoebe Rosenberg Jones - a straight, single, 26-year-old from Los Angeles, who recently posted the site Boycott-marriage.com - says she's persuaded one couple to postpone their wedding and has others considering it. "I would just like to get more straight people engaged in the issue - no pun intended," says Rosenberg Jones, whose opposition to a constitutional amendment inspired her to act. Dorian Solot says she's also heard from several couples who are boycotting marriage. She's executive director of the Alternatives to Marriage Project, a nonprofit that provides information and support to couples who don't wish to marry - and that posted its own boycott page last month. "It becomes clearer every day that when it comes to relationships and families, there's no one size that fits all," says Solot, who is registered as a domestic partner with her longtime companion, Marshall Miller. They live in Albany, N.Y., and recently celebrated, as Solot calls it, their 11th "unmarried anniversary." Frank Furstenberg, a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania, says it's not surprising that some couples - especially young ones - are shunning marriage "as a sign of solidarity" with their lesbian and gay peers. In fact, he wonders if pushing the "one man, one woman" definition might only further the trend. "We are genuinely running the risk of making marriage uncool," says Furstenberg, a senior research scholar at the Council on Contemporary Families. But David Popenoe, a sociologist who tracks marriage trends, calls the idea of a marriage boycott "idiotic." As co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, he argues that the focus should be on creating more stable and committed relationships - gay or straight. "My concern about that is children. The less stable the relationship, the worse it is for children," he says. Choosing domestic partnership over marriage, he contends, often "represents a decline in commitment." Marion Willetts - a sociologist at Illinois State University who has surveyed straight domestic partners - argues that that's not always the case. But she says couples who choose domestic partnership need to do more to define their relationships legally. She found, for instance, that those she surveyed had done little to prepare for the death of a partner or a potential break up. "It concerned me," she says. "There wasn't a lot of planning for the future." --- And, we might ask, what else are children than the future. - diane ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 29 08:17:12 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 08:17:12 -0400 Subject: Stable marriages seen as answer to problems - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Stable marriages seen as answer to problems - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - STABLE MARRIAGES SEEN AS ANSWER TO PROBLEMS > Springfield, is using a $935,000 grant from the Bush administration to train > welfare workers in eight Ozarks counties ? including Greene ? on marriage > instruction over the next five years. > That was the same view expressed by witnesses who testified Wednesday on > Capitol Hill at the first in a series of hearings on why and how the federal > government should promote marriage. (Reported here is testimony from Wade Horn and Barbara Whitehead both of whom will present at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference as will Jennifer Baker director of the Springfield Marriage Initiative who will present in Sunday's closing keynote. The keynote, an interactive lunch session, will focus on take-home skills for marriage activists and will continue in a 90-minute intensive workshop for "Transforming Communities Grassroots Style" #817. Those interested in learning the fine points of creating a Community Healthy Marriage Initiative, should attend the 2-day post conference training by successful marriage activists: #908 First Things First. The training will be divided into sessions for beginners and more advanced community organizers. - diane) News Leader, Springfield Missouri April 29, 2004 A local group is among those that received grant money to help stabilize the institution. By Pamela Brogan Gannett News Service Washington ? Debbi Steinmann is a pioneer in a national effort to teach marriage skills to low-income couples. Steinmann, a marriage therapist at the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, is using a $935,000 grant from the Bush administration to train welfare workers in eight Ozarks counties ? including Greene ? on marriage instruction over the next five years. The grant is part of a $90 million federal effort under the 1996 welfare bill to strengthen marriages. Steinmann said stable and healthy marriages are crucial for "children to grow up to become healthy adults." That was the same view expressed by witnesses who testified Wednesday on Capitol Hill at the first in a series of hearings on why and how the federal government should promote marriage. Adults in stable marriages produce healthier children, earn more money and contribute more to society, experts testified. "Marriage, especially if it is low-conflict and long-lasting, is a source of economic, educational and social advantage for most children," Wade Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the Health and Human Services Department, told lawmakers. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the Marriage Project at Rutgers University, said marriage also promotes saving and provides access "to work-related benefits such as retirement savings, pensions and life insurance." She and other experts said government should spend taxpayer money promoting healthy marriages, but should not divert funding from other programs that aid poor people or single parents. And they warned against forcing couples to marry or to stay in abusive relationships. President Bush's plan to renew the 1996 welfare law includes $1.6 billion to promote healthy marriages and responsible fatherhood through state grants and research aimed at poor couples. Bush also supports a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. The Missouri House and Senate have passed a similar ban. "When both adults and children are members of families led by a married man and woman, they suffer from lower rates of crime, drug abuse, poverty" and other social problems, said Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., who chaired the hearing before a Senate panel on children and families. Horn testified, however, that he is not aware of studies suggesting same-sex marriages have an adverse impact on children or society. Efforts to encourage stable marriages are not new to Springfield. Last year, the city launched a new nonprofit group called Ozarks Marriage Matters. The group is dedicated to strengthening marriages and reducing divorce rates. "The divorce rate is costing local government a lot of money and lost productivity for business," said Chuck Foster, an architect who sits on the group's board of directors. "We also want to encourage more involvement of fathers with their children." Former Oklahoma Republican Gov. Frank Keating, the architect of the first initiative in the country that used public funds to promote marriage, said he viewed that $10 million program as an investment in the state's economic development. But Whitehead cautioned senators not to overestimate the benefits of marriage. "Marriage is not a magic-bullet solution to problems of poverty, disadvantage, crime and discrimination," she said. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 29 14:11:55 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 14:11:55 -0400 Subject: Tah Dah!! - ACF awards grants in four new states - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Tah Dah!! - ACF awards grants in four new states - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - ACF APPROVES CHILD SUPPORT DEMONSTRATIONS IN FOUR STATES - MINNESOTA HEALTHY MARRIAGE AND RESPONSIBLE FATHERHOOD INITIATIVE ########################### - ACF APPROVES CHILD SUPPORT DEMONSTRATIONS IN FOUR STATES Four new 1115 waivers were announced today! We should see some exciting marriage action from Louisiana, Massachusetts, Illinois and Minnesota. As you get your individual press releases, please send them to me - we want the details! I've got one from U of Minnesota that follows. To see announcements of the three previous 1115 waivers in 2003 (Grand Rapids, Michigan, Nampa, Idaho and Hampton Roads, Virginia) go to: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/smartmarriages.0305/msg00008.html and http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/smartmarriages.0309/msg00004.html FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Thursday, April 29, 2004 Contact: Chris Downing ACF Press Office (202) 401-9215 The Administration for Children and Families (ACF) today announced $3.7 million in funding to support demonstrations in Illinois, Louisiana, Massachusetts, and Minnesota to promote improvements in child support enforcement efforts. ?This brings to seven the number of projects we are funding to develop and test new strategies in communities across the nation to support HEALTHY MARRIAGE and PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS with the goals of improving the well-being of children, promoting paternity establishment, and increasing financial and emotional support to children,? Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy G. Thompson said. The states will receive federal funding in the following amounts: Illinois will receive $819,009; Louisiana will receive $924,000; Massachusetts will receive $973,180; and Minnesota will receive $989,999. ?ACF will conduct a comprehensive evaluation to assess how the projects were implemented and their effects on families and children and the operation of the Child Support Program. ?Some of the projects will last five years, others three. All will be supplemented by private funding. ?These grants represent additional funding to the states and will not affect the amount of federal funds available to administer child support programs. ?These projects continue our efforts to enhance the overall goals and effectiveness of the child support enforcement program by testing and evaluating creative approaches to integrating the promotion of healthy marriage into existing child support services,? said Wade Horn, Ph.D., the assistant secretary for children and families at the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The grants are awarded under the authority of Section 1115 of the Social Security Act and require that each project be designed to improve the financial well-being of children or otherwise improve the operation of the child support enforcement program. Section 1115 of the Social Security Act authorizes states to conduct experimental, pilot or demonstration projects that are likely to assist in promoting the objectives of the Social Security Act. The goals of the demonstration projects include improving the establishment of paternity and increasing financial support for children as well as improving fathers? relationships with both their children and the mothers of their children. The projects also will include efforts to improve couple relationships and reduce the potential for domestic violence. The projects are required to screen participants for domestic violence and refer appropriate individuals for services. ############################### - MINNESOTA HEALTHY MARRIAGE AND RESPONSIBLE FATHERHOOD INITIATIVE Tah Dah!! University of Minnesota Professor To Direct Healthy Marriage Project With New Grant MINNEAPOLIS / ST. PAUL ( 4/29/2004 ) --Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced today that Minnesota will receive almost $1 million in additional federal child support funding for a community-based project through the University of Minnesota to promote healthy marriage and family formation. Minnesota's award totaling $989,999 is part of $3.7 million in child support demonstration funding announced today by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. University of Minnesota family social science professor William Doherty will direct the project, called the "Minnesota Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood Initiative." Doherty is director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program and a nationally recognized expert in promoting healthy marriage and responsible fatherhood. "Participants will be unmarried new parents in Minneapolis and St. Paul and who want to raise their child together and who hold marriage as a goal for their relationship," Doherty said. The project aims to encourage stable family formation among new unmarried parents; promote healthy and successful marriages among unmarried couples who desire it; encourage responsible fathering; promote the economic and psychosocial well-being of children; promote paternity establishment; and encourage community support for marriage and family formation among unmarried parents. National data show that about one-third of children born each year in the United States are born to unmarried parents. In Minnesota, 26 percent of children born in 2001 had unmarried parents. The latest research indicates that most adult couples having a child outside of marriage are in a romantic relationship at the time of birth. Most say they want to marry someday and raise their child in a stable family. This project is designed to help the couples move forward into a healthy marriage. An initiative like this one is important, because risks associated with nonmarital childbearing are well documented and include lower levels of physical health, psychosocial well-being, economic well-being and academic achievement among children, Doherty said. Mothers also experience higher poverty rates and a lower likelihood of future marriage. Observers also see less responsible fathering in terms of parental involvement and economic support. This new project will use a community mobilization approach, Doherty said. Couples who married after having a child will serve as mentors to new parents. The new parent couples will also receive additional support from faith communities, community based parent education and couples education adapted for unmarried new parents, access to premarital and marriage counseling services, access to employment and related services to achieve self-sufficiency, assistance with child support arrangements and flexibility in their enforcement, and opportunities to become involved as citizens and leaders in the project. This is the first federally-funded marriage project that uses a community organizing approach that does not emphasize traditional programs and services, but rather layers of mentoring and support from many sectors of the community, Doherty said. "We want to counteract the current culture of despair about the prospects of unmarried new parents in our urban communities," Doherty said. The federal funding requires a local match of $500,000. A proposal to provide the funds from marriage license fees is pending in the Legislature. The project is expected to begin in late 2004 and will last for five years. The Minnesota Department of Human Services, which supervises state child support efforts, will oversee the project through a contract with the university. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 29 14:48:47 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 14:48:47 -0400 Subject: Celebrate/Grants/Cherishing/Fishing/Commitzvah - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Celebrate/Grants/Cherishing/Fishing/Commitzvah - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - SCHOOL/YOUTH EDUCATION: NEW STUFF FROM THE DIBBLE FUND - INVITATION TO CELEBRATE YOUR GOOD THING - GRANT REVIEWERS NEEDED: URGENT THAT YOU APPLY ASAP - SEARCHING FOR A STORY FROM YOUR NEWSLIST - TAKING BACK TIME TO FISH AND PLAY W/ YOUR KIDS: NEWSLIST SEARCH - COMMITZVAH REACTIONS ############################ - SCHOOL/YOUTH EDUCATION: NEW STUFF FROM THE DIBBLE FUND WHAT?S NEW?for teaching teens about friendship, dating & marriage? ? Updated! ?Connections? now with PREP ? New! ?LoveU2? by Marline Pearson ? New! 30+ programs from other publishers for kids age 5?19 ? New! Website and catalog DON?T MISS OUT For news and updates, sign up for our email newsletter, now! www.DibbleFund.org All of these new programs will be presented at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference. Attend the free training institutes, workshops, and stop by their Exhibit and register for door prizes. ######################### - INVITATION TO CELEBRATE YOUR GOOD THING Someone just emailed to ask that I again send them the notice about the Celebration of Marriage at the Smart Marriages banquet. I checked w/ Pat and she says it's not too late to submit, the more the marrier! and she loves the variety of creative ideas people are coming up with - so I'm resending it to the whole list. Don't end up kicking yourself on Fri night July 9 because you never got around to contacting Pat. - diane >> - THE ESSENCE OF MARRIAGE: AN INVITATION FROM PAT LOVE >> >> This year's Smart Marriage Conference banquet theme is The Essence of >> Marriage: A Celebration. I want to enlist your help in making it a very >> special evening by inviting you to honor your husband or wife by sharing how >> he or she has changed/enriched your life. Ideally, this would be a surprise, >> sort of like the old "This Is Your Life." Your 3-5 minute tribute can be >> written, spoken, sung, shown in video--be creative! The presentation should >> address "how your husband/wife has made you a better person" or "how marriage >> to him/her has made you a better person." Or "how he/she supported you >> through a particularly hard time and what that has meant to you" or "how you >> have faced hardship together and what that has meant to you" or "what the two >> of you have learned together". Of course it can include "I love you >> because..." but the theme this year is that marriage as an institution not >> only makes us healthy and wealthy--but wise! We'll acknowledge the >> challenges >> in marriage that make us better people, and how meaningful it is to have a >> helpmate to go through life with. If you are single, your tribute can be to a >> married couple that has inspired or helped you. Please email me at >> pat at patlove.com or 512-899-0010 with your ideas. - Pat Love, > > As Pat says, when was the last time you were able to really surprise and > delight your spouse? But she adds, this does not have to be a surprise. You > can do a "duet" - a kind of mutual admiration society tribute. - diane ######################### > - GRANT REVIEWERS NEEDED: URGENT THAT YOU APPLY ASAP The govt really needs your help in reviewing grants - and we really want our folks on these review panels. You get a free trip to DC, a per diem and are paid a stipend. June 6 - 11. (And after hours you can come help me stuff conference packets. Just kidding.) - diane > > Take all the grant-writing workshops you can, BUT there is nothing like > reviewing grants to learn how to write one. Everyone who has reviewed grants > says it was THE most valuable experience. Also is a great way to see how > your govt works from the inside. Also, isn't it nice that they want > reviewers with marriage education expertise!! - diane > >> It's that time of year again! The Office of Community Services is seeking >> interested reviewers to participate in the 2004 Compassion Capital Fund grant >> reviews. The reviews are scheduled to occur June 6-11 in Washington D.C. >> Hotel, meals, airfare and a stipend will be provided. >> >> Reviewers with a knowledge of marriage education and preparation services are >> needed. >> >> Interest in reviewing for this program is very high, so please don't delay! >> >> Register on www.grantreview.net >> > l >> m=0&ml=1469&qz=c719de831b1be76c47b2a6de1f1f9887> ! >> >> In order to ensure that you are selected as a reviewer for the Compassion >> Capital Fund, please respond to the question "How did you hear about LCG or >> Grantreview.net?" by choosing Program Office (Enter Code) and Enter 7601. >> This will designate you as a potential Compassion Capital Reviewer. >> >> In addition, please contact Jocelyn Rowe via email at jrowe at acf.hhs.gov after >> you have registered at www.grantreview.net . >> She is assisting the Office of Community Services with this process. >> ########################### - SEARCHING FOR A STORY FROM YOUR NEWSLIST > Diane, > > I am vainly trying to locate a sweet article that you circulated a long time > ago by a husband about his marriage. Unfortunately, I can't really remember > any concrete details, but it seems he started the piece with a bemused > refection on one of his wife's "quirks" (could it have been that she wanted > liners for the cabinets/drawers, or was that something else?). And I think he > came back to the quirk at the end, realizing it was something he could live > with given the whole picture. Sorry not to give you more to go on!! By any > miraculous chance do you have a clue what I'm talking about? Or any > first-person stories lifting up marriage in spite of the day-to-day > frustrations and their spouse's grating habits? Thanks for any help you might > have! > > Catherine Scott > scottc at diakon.org I'm sending this to the list because I know some of you have better memories than I do and might be able to help Catherine. Isearched the archive and on on the smartmarriages marriage quotes, cartoons, and stories page and didn't find it, though I did find this one that's pretty wonderful - or at least I can't read it without tearing up - diane > Diane, > A woman in my online group was being very negative about her husband and the > group leader told her to try to think of some positives, even if it were > difficult. This is what she came up with. I thought it was touching. I > just wanted you to see it. > - - - - - - - - - > H was very helpful in the kitchen. He usually got home from work around 3 > PM, and he usually made dinner for the family. I don't get home until around > 5 PM. He did all the yard work, took care of all car maintenance, always > called me if he was going to be late, instilled complete trust, did the > lion's share of bill paying because I hate to write due to carpal tunnel > syndrome, balanced the checkbook, fixed the toilet when it would break > (regularly), painted the outside of the house. > > He usually remembered to put the toilet seat and lid down. He vacuumed > occasionally. He spent lots of time with the kids. He bought advent > calendars with chocolate behind each day for the kids every Christmas > season. He laughed and joked a lot, and didn't like to be serious. He told > me when I looked good. He learned to enjoy horses because our girls and I > loved to ride. > > He was willing to try new dishes I prepared. He loved my lasagna. He went to > church with the family every Sunday, even though he had trouble staying > awake during preaching. Although he doesn't like classical music, he went to > almost every concert our daughters played in when they were in youth > symphony (4 years for one and 6 years for the other). > > He held my hand through 3 labors and deliveries, and whispered in my ear to > encourage me. He lovingly dressed an open wound for me after surgery for a > breast abscess after the birth of our 3rd. Four years later, he stood beside > my bed as I was being wheeled to surgery to remove a breast due to cancer, > and tears filled his eyes as they did mine. That was in 1989. > > He walked the floor for hours at night with a sleepless, cranky child. He > spooned cereal and baby food into little mouths, and endured spit-up and > baby poop on his clothing. He helped me take care of my mother as she was > dying of cancer. > > Is this what you mean, JJ? It was difficult to get started, but look what I > accomplished! I also have a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes > right now. He was a fantastic husband! My sister told me he "adored" me, and > I guess that's correct for a lot of the 26 years we have been married. > Unknown > **************** > The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person. > Vi Putnam ####################### - TAKING BACK TIME TO FISH AND PLAY W/ YOUR KIDS: ANOTHER NEWSLIST SEARCH > Diane, > We're working on Take Back Your Time Day as part of our community marriage > initiatives calendar. Someone said you sent an article to the list some years > ago that was about fathers using their time to make money rather than spending > time with the family and seemed to remember that it was something about > fishing, too. I have searched and searched the archive for > father/fishing/money and I don't find it. Can you possible help us? You've > sent so many articles to the list that even with the search engine it is a > real challenge to find them! > Marsha I know that one! One of my sons has it on his refrigerator, so I see it all the time. I'll reprint it so you can all tack it up somewhere. Never thought of this for Take Back Your Time Day, but you're right. - diane > > Investment Banker Wisdom > > The investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal > Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. > Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The > investment banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish > and asked how long it took to catch them. > > The fisherman replied, only a little while. > > The investment banker then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch > more fish? > > The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. > > The investment banker then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your > time? > > The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my > children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each > evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full > and busy life, senor." > > The investment banker scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You > should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With > the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you > would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a > middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your > own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You > could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then > LA and eventually NYC a run your expanding enterprise." > > The fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" > > To which the American replied, "15-20 years." > > But what then, senor? > > The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is > right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public > and become very rich, you would make millions. > > Millions, senor? Then what? > > The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal > fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your > kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings > where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." > > - Anonymous ########################### - COMMITZVAH REACTIONS Many of you were set off by the article: "Some straight couples opt against marriage" - here's a typical comment - will share one rather than a dozen. - diane > A commitzvah? What a disgusting idea. It should be called a "noncommitzvah" > for those who are too stupid or scared to commit. Ideological opposition to > marriage has been strong in Sweden for many years. The anti-religious > movement in Sweden and throughout Scandinavia has seen out-of-wedlock birth > rates skyrocket to close to 60%. - GG ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 29 19:13:30 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 19:13:30 -0400 Subject: New York?/Couple Communication on Today/ACF Conference- 4/04 In-Reply-To: <6.0.3.0.2.20040429160803.01b67370@mail.comskills.com> Message-ID: subject: New York?/Couple Communication on Today/ACF Conference- 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - CALLING NEW YORK - TODAY SHOW FEATURES COUPLE COMMUNICATION (CC), SUNDAY MAY 2 - ACF CONFERENCE, MAY 26 - 28, WASHINGTON DC ########################## - CALLING NEW YORK I was asked today about Community Healthy Marriage Initiatives (CHMI) that are sprouting in New York state. I'm aware of the group in Syracuse, but was amazed that I couldn't direct this reporter to other organized communities. Please email me and fill me in and let's put your CHMI on the map. - diane ########################### - TODAY SHOW FEATURES COUPLE COMMUNICATION (CC), SUNDAY MAY 2 Sunday, May 2nd, the Today Show will do a piece on COUPLE COMMUNICATION (CC). (Yes, the Today Show on NBC runs on Sundays, usually earlier than during the weekdays, in most areas, from 6 - 7am.) Sherod Miller, originator of COUPLE COMMUNICATION, will appear on the show live, for an interview, along with Morgan and Denise Llewellyn, a couple from Seattle whose marriage and family have benefited from the CC program. The show will also air parts of a CC class taped in Seattle, WA, taught by Certified CC Instructor Roy Anderson. Check your local listing, and set your VCR right now so you don't forget! These shows float all our boats - even if you offer one of the other marriage education programs. Couples will be checking the internet for marriage education and marriage classes all next week. People, of course, will especially be checking the COUPLE COMMUNICATION web site. If you've got a COUPLE COMMUNICATION class, be sure it's listed on the CC web site: http:www.couplecommunication.com Sherod and Phyllis Miller will offer the two-day COUPLE COMMUNICATION training and certification at Smart Marriages in Dallas on July 7 & 8. The Today Show will give you a chance to preview the course and see if you want to be trained. It's one of the highest rated of the marriage education programs. Also includes certification in Core Communication for Singles. > 106 Two Days - Wednesday & Thursday, July 7 & 8 > COUPLE COMMUNICATION I & II and > CORE COMMUNICATION for Singles > Sherod Miller, PhD & Phyllis Miller, PhD > Learn to teach three practical programs to help couples increase self and > partner awareness, map their relationship, learn talking, listening & conflict > resolution skills, align values, goals, and plans and manage anger. Practice > with real issues. Marketing and practice-building strategies. Couples kits and > instructor manuals included. $100 spouse discount. For more information: > http://www.smartmarriages.com/miller.html This training is likely to fill up this year and be closed out. Register early. Like, this week. - diane ########################### - ACF CONFERENCE, MAY 26 - 28, WASHINGTON DC The Administration for Children and Families' annual Welfare Research and Evaluation Conference, May 26th to 28th, at the Marriott Wardman Hotel in Washington, DC is sponsored by the Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation (OPRE) to present the latest research on healthy marriage, welfare policy, and human services. The conference includes three days of breakout and plenary sessions. Of particular interest to members of SmartMarriages' would be the first day's focus on healthy marriage by featured speakers to include Bill Doherty, John Gottman, Scott Stanley, Joe Jones, Pam Jordan, Julie Baumgardner, Rozario Slack, George Doub, Pat Dixon and Robert Rector. Topics include: implementing and evaluating healthy marriage programs among diverse racial and socioeconomic groups, measuring healthy marriage, implementing and evaluating programs to promote healthy marriage, and developing community approaches to supporting healthy marriage. The conference will provide the latest research and evaluation results on welfare as well as emerging research on the connections between healthy marriage, public policy, and human services. $250 for the full conference, or $150 for a single day. Includes breakfast, lunch and light refreshments. Wardman Hotel rate is $150 a night. Additional information: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/opre/wrconference/index.html. Questions: Brendan Kelly bkelly at acf.hhs.gov or (202) 401-5600. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Apr 30 12:14:52 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 12:14:52 -0400 Subject: 7 Habits Family Mission Statement Puts Goals on Paper -4/04 Message-ID: subject: 7 Habits Family Mission Statement Puts Goals on Paper -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - FAMILY MISSION STATEMENT PUTS GOALS ON PAPER This USA Today article features the Covey 7 Habits program. At Smart Marriages you can be trained as a 7 Habits of Healthy Marriages instructor, the Covey program that adapts the 7 Habit principles to marriage. > 103 Three Days - Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday, July 6, 7, 8 - Dallas > 7 Habits of Healthy Marriages > Jane & John Covey, EdD, MBA > Reach the core of today's great marriage dilemmas & inspire change through 7 > habits guaranteed to create solid, principle-centered marriages. Master a > series of stand-alone modules to equip couples to thrive despite crisis. > Graduates also have opportunity to self-certify in the 7 Habits family and > teen curricula! $150 spouse discount. > Click for very important information on certification. You can also attend a seminar on Sunday on "7 Habits for Highly Effective Families" which puts the principles in the article into action - and bring the kids for free. > 811 - Sunday, July 11, 3:30-4:30pm, Dallas Smart Marriages > The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families > Katherine Robredo, MSW > Learn seven habits to strengthen your partner & parent-child relationships & > make a permanent difference for you & your family. Kids 11-18 attend free. Another excellent program for setting family goals, roles and mission statements is Family Table Time, also available at Smart Marriages. > 810 - Sunday, July 11, 3:30-4:30pm, Dallas Smart Marriages > Family Table Time > Jill & Neal Kimball > You know what you?re supposed to do at family meals ? instill values, create > memories, communicate, bond. Experience a "tool" that enables you to do it all > - with joy! Kids attend free. www.familytabletime.com USA Today June 29, 2004 Taking Stock of Family business Mission statements put goals on paper By Marco R. della Cava SAN FRANCISCO -- Living at the pace of a high-speed modem has its drawbacks, namely making you feel like Lucy racing against that chocolate-spewing conveyor belt as you scramble for quality time with loved ones. What's a harried digital-age fool to do? If unplugging and going Waltons feels too extreme, then take a cue from CEOs and set your priorities straight with a family mission statement. Yes, that business-world staple -- whose contents can range from Stuart Smalley pabulum to Constitution-solid principles -- has crossed over from the boardroom to the living room. Admittedly, finding the time to assemble a document that outlines a family's goals and philosophy might seem unrealistic when daily trials such as getting the kids bathed and animals fed can make fire drills seem like oases of calm. But believers urge a closer look at what they hail as a method for getting unwieldy modern lives back on track. Whether motivated by a Type-A desire to apply professional maxims to personal goals or a faith-fueled need for focus, young couples and families in particular are seeking out a variety of books, Web sites and seminars dedicated to streamlining Your Family Inc. ''We just felt like if we didn't watch out, the urgent would take over the important, and we'd wind up on a course we didn't recognize,'' says Jake Puryear, 33, a Bay Area banker who recently crafted a family mission statement with his wife, Laura. ''It was not a sacrifice for our parents to be home for dinner, but we have to make a point of it,'' adds Laura, 32, a manager at a consulting firm. ''Writing down our values has led us to talk more about what we want out of our marriage, our family and our lives.'' Like most mission statements, theirs is succinct and personal. But its broad themes touch on everything from innocuous goals (Jake: ''I want to learn to like V8 juice'') to promises aimed at 1-year-old daughter Regan (''Once a week, we will go someplace that's fun for her, instead of just carting her along for things we like to do''). Laura Puryear was introduced to the concept when her mother handed her Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, a 1997 how-to manual that is swapped among friends like a juicy grade-school note. In Habits, the well-known motivational guru asks couples to consider questions such as: ''If our family is a plane, are we on course?'' Conflicting answers are OK; the point is to discuss differences en route to a common destination. ''The pace of life, technology and culture all put greater pressure on us to decide what's really important,'' says Covey, vice chairman of FranklinCovey, a leadership and productivity consulting firm. ''We all have values that guide us, but 95% of us never write them down,'' says Covey. ''It's precisely the act of writing that imprints it in the subconscious.'' Certainly anyone who has gone to the grocery store with a mental list instead of a real list knows that. Having that tangible reminder seems to make all the difference in an increasingly paperless world filled with chirping cellphones and buzzing BlackBerrys. ''I was drawn to (mission statements) because I found I wasn't often acting on things I'd thought of,'' says Jon Deane, who with his wife, Laney Whitcanack, both 30, is busy crafting a short list of ''principles to live by.'' Whitcanack, who is pursuing his master's in education at Harvard, says that while the couple's statement ''involves faith, in that God is at the root of all our relationships, it's not like our (Protestant) religion requires it. It's all about being self-authoring in your life.'' Deane, an eighth-grade math teacher in Cambridge, Mass., admits that his parents are puzzled. ''They tend to think, 'Why do you need a statement? Once you commit to marry, there are unwritten rules,' '' he says. ''My dad would laugh if I asked him to write things down, but we find the statement helpful when it comes time for joint decisions.'' That thirtysomethings might be seeking guidance for the soul doesn't surprise San Francisco clinical psychologist Nancy Haugen, who specializes in death-related issues. In the past year, some of her younger clients have expressed interest in writing ethical wills -- a document with roots in biblical times in which moral guidance is passed on by the dying. ''This generation in particular seems to be searching for a North Star, for what has meaning in their lives,'' says Haugen. ''But while an ethical will, or mission statement, is a healthy idea, most people have a hard time sticking to it, and that's if they make up the list at all.'' Haugen says that, like dieting, commitment is the key. But she also says that a North Star could be closer than it seems: ''It's really a matter of focusing in on what your roots are, who your ancestors are. Maybe it's less an issue of coming up with a formal list, and more just taking some time to think about the big picture.'' That instinct is innate, says Barry Baines, author of Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper. ''All humans want to be a part of something bigger than themselves. Writing these documents is a way to achieve a sort of immortality in a death-denying society,'' he says. Those loaded with Donald Trump-size egos might find a personal Ten Commandments approach appealing. But for most folks cobbling together these lists, the motivation is less passing on pearls of wisdom and more making the most of each hectic day. When Tom Patterson, 38, of Ross, Calif., looked down at his calendar and found himself committed to ''a bunch of stuff I hadn't really thought through,'' the private investor dusted off a pre-marriage list of personal goals and decided to rework them family-style. He immediately targeted an area of concern. As parents of a 3- and 1-year-old, he and wife Kristi, 33, didn't want to be ''tired and reactive'' with their children. The resolution: Create standing rituals that range from Sunday dinners together to educational, TV-free vacations where the emphasis is squarely on the family unit. Patterson says he's aiming to keep ''the best of what I grew up with alive'' through the document, which is kept handy for easy referral. ''It's not the Magna Carta, it's five bullet points,'' Patterson says. ''But it's like being asked to make a toast at a wedding. When you're forced to write it out, you wind up giving it serious thought. And as a couple, we've found that having things discussed in the open is great.'' That's even more valuable when babies turn into teens, and the cute become the quarrelsome. Faced with a bit more youthful dissent than she could handle, Elaine Hightower came up with a schedule of formal family meetings that eventually led her in 2002 to co-author Our Family Meeting Book: Fun and Easy Ways to Manage Time, Build Communication and Share Responsibility Week by Week. ''My husband's got the booming voice and the authority, and I just wasn't being heard,'' says Hightower, who lives in Atlanta. But once the meetings were formalized, her children, 12 and 10, felt like they had a voice in matters and helped shape their mission statement. ''It's important for kids to hear what your goals are and contribute to them,'' she says. ''It's opting for family maintenance over family troubleshooting.'' Admittedly, the soul-searching nature of a family mission statement can be Kryptonite to the status quo, and most of us are loath to jinx what works. But those who have successfully adopted this renegade from the business world aren't looking back. Consider these two cases. Tom McDevitt, 52, has been a mission statement advocate for six years and even teaches the practice to teens in the Fairfax, Va., area. But he didn't know just how much of a foundation he has built with his own statement until last December, when he and his five sons, ages 12 to 20, lost the family matriarch, Soonja, to cancer. ''My mettle was tested on a level I never expected,'' says the newspaper marketing director. ''Having grounded myself with a sense of purpose that I'd spelled out in words made all the difference.'' He says the family meets often to review how the kids are living up to ''the core values of faith, compassion and service'' that their statement lays out. ''There's so much uncertainty in the world today that the boys are always asking, 'What's it all about? Where am I going?' They need to know that it's about far more than just achieving economic security.'' Then there's the Davis family of Ogden, Utah. When Sam went off to Iraq last year, Marianne remained stoic and in command of their two daughters, now 6 and 2. But when Sam's deployment was extended to more than a year, a panic button began to flash. ''I was struggling as a single parent,'' says Marianne, who was introduced to Covey's 7 Habits when the Utah-based company held a seminar for spouses of state National Guard members. Soon, while munching on candy and other care package goodies, Sam was doing family mission statement homework during breaks in his interrogation duty. Suddenly, their five-minute weekly telephone conversations had satisfying purpose as they laid plans for the future. ''Before, I had felt like my life was on hold without him,'' Marianne says. ''With a mission statement to share, our talks had much more focus. We talked about our goals, personal and professional, things that you tend not to do after seven years of marriage. ''So although he was far away, Sam became my husband again,'' she says. ''Because we were working on something together, for the family.''Please see ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 1 23:48:44 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 23:48:44 -0500 Subject: Move to put 'happily' back into 'ever after' - 4/1/04 Message-ID: subject: Move to put 'happily' back into 'ever after' - 4/1/04 from: Smart Marriages? This MSNBC article features Rita DeMaria and Wade Horn plus participants in DeMaria's PAIRS classes in Philadelphia. DeMaria will present a three-day PAIRS training in Dallas where you can become qualified to teach the program. > 102 Three Days - Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday, July 6, 7 & 8 > PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) > Leave ready to teach PAIRS' brief programs: the One-day Jumpstart & If You > Really Loved Me,the Two-day Passage to Intimacy. Covers communication, > emotional literacy, hidden expectations, conflict resolution, and confiding > exercises. $150 spouse discount. (Take 102 and 912 to also certify to teach > Christian PAIRS and Military PAIRS.) * * * * > DeMaria, of PAIRS, concurs. ?The government isn?t going to tell us what to do, > but it is supposed to educate and inform us,? she said. > In Philadelphia, participants in DeMaria?s recent courses were effusive in > their praise. > > ?The PAIRS program makes you aware to take time for your relationship and that > being a couple is really important from the beginning of your marriage,? Carol > Douglass, 57, said. ?You have children and they become the main focus of your > marriage. But you still need to keep time for your relationship because > someday those children are going to leave. If you wait until that point, it?s > too late.? > Douglass and her husband of 36 years, a pastor at Upper Dublin Lutheran Church > in Ambler, Pa., were recent participants in a PAIRS workshop in Philadelphia. > They are planning to offer a version of PAIRS for the congregation at Upper > Dublin, Douglass said. > > ?What?s so exciting is that I think if our young people learn the skills of > communication early, they will be able to strengthen their relationships and > therefore families will be stronger,? she said. - MOVE TO PUT 'HAPPILY' BACK INTO 'EVER AFTER' Bush administration seeks funding boost for marriage education By Daniel Strieff Reporter MSNBC April?1, 2004 PHILADELPHIA - ?Marriage is a wonderful institution,? the late comedian Groucho Marx observed, ?but who would want to live in an institution?? As it turns out, most people do want to marry ? and stay that way. That desire to stay together was what brought Jon, 44, and Barbara, 48, two married Philadelphia-area physicians, to a course in PAIRS, or Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills. ?We were both very committed to the relationship, but also very distressed at the issues that we needed to work through,? Barbara said. ?We were both feeling an inability to stand back and look at the issues and figure what solution would be most mutually beneficial to maintaining our relationship.? It was the second marriage for both, and with four children between the two of them, they were especially keen to make this one last. ?We believe that strengthening marriage is an important national goal, and that this promising initiative might help us to reach that goal.? ? The Marriage Movement advocacy group ?It?s emotionally draining,? Jon said. ?It really stirs up a lot of past stuff that?s under the surface that can be painful or damaging. But, for lack of a better word, it was a powerful experience.? The skills they learned, the couple said, opened lines of communication that had previously been unclear, thus strengthening their marriage. ?Clearly, this has been a life-changing event for the two of us, because we?ve learned effective ways of communication, fair fighting and an understanding that we both come from different backgrounds, and how to incorporate that into not only our personal but also our professional lives,? Jon said. The government steps in The U.S. divorce rate, which has leveled off at around 4 divorces per 1,000 people, is still higher than most family experts would like and a growing national movement, with a hefty boost from the federal government, wants to help. A marriage education movement that has been around for several decades has lately gathered steam. ?We believe that strengthening marriage is an important national goal, and that this promising initiative might help us to reach that goal,? the advocacy group, Marriage Movement, says. That initiative is included in President Bush?s budget proposal for 2005, currently working its way through Congress. The proposal includes expanded initiatives to ?promote marriage and healthy family development.? The added funding includes $1.5 billion over five years -- $1 billion in federal funds and $500 million in state matching funds ? that would go to programs promoting marriage, responsible fatherhood and teen abstinence, and that work at preventing child abuse. The proposal, part of a welfare bill that is awaiting reauthorization, allows community and faith-based organizations to receive federal funds ?to develop innovative approaches to promoting healthy marriage and reducing out-of-wedlock births,? according to the Department of Health and Human Services. ?There has been a growing body of information on the wider benefits of marriage but it has not been funded in any consistent way,? Dr. Rita DeMaria, the director of the PAIRS program in the Philadelphia area, told MSNBC.com. The proposed boost in government funding will help finance new, perhaps revealing, research, DeMaria said. ?We need to learn more, but there are some strong indicators about these programs and how they?ve helped the marriage rate,? she said. DeMaria said that around 40 percent of the people who take her semester-long PAIRS workshops have at least met with a divorce lawyer. Of those people, she said, roughly 60 percent end up staying together. The Marriage Movement, a collection of academics, religious leaders, politicians, and family and relationship professionals, including DeMaria, says that its goal is to strengthen marriage so that ?each year more children will grow up protected by their own two happily married parents, and so that each year more adults? marriage dreams will come true.? Indeed, recent polls have shown that virtually all young people want to get married. A Gallup survey taken for Rutgers University found that almost all never-married people in their 20s wanted eventually to walk down the aisle. Ninety-four percent of those surveyed agreed with the statement ?when you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.? A different approach Marriage education programs are distinct from couples therapy or counseling, which focus on individuals? personal and family history. Rather, marriage education uses a structured approach to work on communication and problem-solving skills. Diane Sollee, founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education and a former marriage and family therapist, became involved in marriage education after realizing that ?therapy wasn?t getting us anywhere. There were too many divorces.? In her role as a marriage educator, Sollee said she stresses three strands of research: finding the truth about the benefits of marriage; what to expect from a ?normal? marriage; and identifying those behaviors that predict success and those that predict failure in marriage. Marriage education programs are intended to lend support to the entire family structure, and not only the intimate relationship between spouses, according to Dr. Wade Horn, assistant Health and Human Services secretary for children and families. ?The goal of the marriage education program is to help the well-being of children,? Horn said in a recent telephone interview. ?Healthy marriages aren?t irrelevant to children?s well-being.? Horn and other advocates of marriage education point to a growing body of evidence that suggests that children in married families fare better, emotionally, physically and financially. ?We always had a sense that children were better off with their own parents, so long as parents were loving and healthy,? said DeMaria, adding that it is only recently that solid research has supported that view. PAIRS is a program designed to instruct participants in skills to prevent serious marital problems before they threaten the relationship. The courses, which are offered nationwide, are intensive ? ranging from several days to 19 weeks, from 30 hours to 120 hours ? and offered to people at all stages in a relationship, married or not, as well as singles. Programs such as PAIRS would be candidates for the federal funding, when and if it gets approved later in the year. Marriage education courses are increasingly popular in middle-class communities, but government funding would alleviate the cost, which is generally not covered by insurance, and help make these programs available to lower-income communities, according to the Department of Health and Human Services. ?It can?t hurt us,? Sollee, of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, said. ?I can?t see a downside to this as a social policy.? Some concerns remain But while a consensus of family and relationship experts believe that children fare best in married, two-parent households, the proposal, initiated in 2002 but boosted this year, has critics. Some see government money for programs centered on intimate relationships as an invasion of privacy. A survey done by the Pew Research Center in 2002 found that nearly 80 percent of people interviewed opposed government programs to encourage people to get and stay married. Some groups, including the NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund, are concerned that women, particularly in low-income communities, would feel pressured by marriage promotion programs to enter into, or remain in, abusive relationships. Lisalyn Jacobs, of NOW Legal Defense, cited the high incidence of domestic violence against women who are welfare recipients and said there were further concerns reallocating government resources from other welfare and poverty issues. Funding for people in low-income areas, she said, was best focused on education, job training and children?s programs, which would in turn lead to healthier families. Moreover, in this election year, the culture wars ? from same-sex marriage to decency in television programming and on the airwaves ? are raging. Much of the criticism stems from a flurry of negative media coverage earlier this year, and an article in The New York Times in which an unnamed presidential adviser was quoted as saying that marriage promotion was ?a way for the president to address the concerns of conservatives and to solidify his conservative base.? Pollster John Zogby has said he has consistently found a ?marriage gap? of about 25 percentage points between married people who say they will vote to re-elect Bush and single voters who support a Democratic candidate for president. A Zogby International poll taken earlier this year found that 64 percent of people living in the so-called red states ? those that traditionally vote Republican ? are married. That figure contrasts with the 56 percent who are married in the so-called blue states ? which typically go Democratic. Some critics have alleged that marriage promotion is a none-too-subtle response by the White House to the gay marriage debate. Bush has spoken out in favor of a constitutional amendment that would define marriage as between one man and one woman. But Horn, of the Department of Health and Human Services, says it is ?patently false? that the marriage promotion initiative is in any way linked to the gay marriage debate. He pointed out that the initiative was begun two years ago, before the political firestorm over gay marriage had started. ?The whole goal of marriage education is to teach young couples to manage conflicts in healthy ways,? he said. Furthermore, Horn said it was a ?distortion? to say that promoting healthier marriages was akin to encouraging marriage. ?You actually might have fewer marriages because some potentially bad marriages may never happen? as a result of the education, he said. ?We are offering on a voluntary basis services to couples who will decide whether they want it for themselves. This is not about telling couples to get married.? DeMaria, of PAIRS, concurs. ?The government isn?t going to tell us what to do, but it is supposed to educate and inform us,? she said. Outcomes ? expected, and not In Philadelphia, participants in DeMaria?s recent courses were effusive in their praise. ?The PAIRS program makes you aware to take time for your relationship and that being a couple is really important from the beginning of your marriage,? Carol Douglass, 57, said. ?You have children and they become the main focus of your marriage. But you still need to keep time for your relationship because someday those children are going to leave. If you wait until that point, it?s too late.? Douglass and her husband of 36 years, a pastor at Upper Dublin Lutheran Church in Ambler, Pa., were recent participants in a PAIRS workshop in Philadelphia. They are planning to offer a version of PAIRS for the congregation at Upper Dublin, Douglass said. ?What?s so exciting is that I think if our young people learn the skills of communication early, they will be able to strengthen their relationships and therefore families will be stronger,? she said. The skills taught in the PAIRS, moreover, are useful for couples at all stages in relationships ? including those at the end. Andrew, 58, lives in Philadelphia. He and his wife of 28 years attended a recent PAIRS course on the advice of a divorce lawyer. ?In my situation, [the course] did not repair the marriage, but it helped my future ex-wife and myself interact more positively, even on the issues that we were working on in separating,? he said. ?I know for many couples who go through a divorce, it may take years to get to a point ? if they get there at all ? where they can effectively communicate. And even to talk that way while still in pursuit of the divorce itself, I think is pretty remarkable.? ?? 2004 MSNBC Interactive ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Apr 2 13:22:51 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 13:22:51 -0500 Subject: April Fool's Day aftermath - TANF legislation deadlocked - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: April Fool's Day aftermath - TANF legislation deadlocked - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - SENATE DEADLOCKS ON WAGES, WELFARE - 2004 WELFARE REFORM NEEDS HEALTHY MARRIAGE ############################ TANF is again to be extended, "as is" - without the $1.5 billion marriage initiative addition. It WAS April Fool's Day, but this is real. There's still hope in the form of amendments and negotiations, but looks like it's back to our grass-roots efforts. We can do it, but it would have been huge to have this boost from the feds. Did any of you contact your senators? I hope so. It's not too late. See the McManus article that follows for inspiration. - diane - SENATE DEADLOCKS ON WAGES, WELFARE By Helen Dewar Washington Post Staff Writer Friday, April 2, 2004; Page A04 > The welfare bill would extend for five more years the 1996 law . . . . The > 1996 law has expired but was extended several times while Congress worked on > the new bill. The most recent extension ends June 30. The Senate deadlocked yesterday over whether to allow a vote on raising the federal minimum wage as part of a bill to renew the 1996 welfare overhaul, jeopardizing both initiatives and deepening partisan divisions in the nearly paralyzed chamber. Voting 51 to 47, largely along party lines, Republican leaders fell nine votes short of the 60 needed to end a filibuster by Democrats aimed at forcing votes on the minimum wage and other key items on their election-year agenda. This left the welfare bill in limbo, along with several other major bills that have been blocked in similar fights over the past couple of months, and some senators were pessimistic about prospects for breaking the deadlock anytime soon. Last week, GOP leaders shelved a bill to avert trade sanctions by Europe against U.S. products when Democrats held it up in an unsuccessful effort to force a vote to block the administration from eliminating overtime pay guarantees for many white-collar workers. Earlier, Republicans scuttled their own bill to protect gun makers and dealers from lawsuits after Democrats amended it to include two gun control proposals. A bill to curb medical malpractice suits has been blocked by a Democratic filibuster, and Democrats are barring votes on President Bush's judicial nominees until he agrees to stop short-circuiting the Senate by appointing judges during congressional recesses. After yesterday's vote, Republicans and Democrats blamed each other for the impasse but agreed it was serious. Asked if he thought the stalemates would continue for the rest of the year, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), who led the fight to raise the hourly-wage floor from $5.15 to $7 over two years, said, "It certainly appears that way." He called the Senate a "nonfunctioning institution." Democrats have "hung up a sign saying they're out of business" in hopes of keeping Republicans from meeting their legislative goals for the year, said Sen. Rick Santorum (Pa.), third-ranking member of the Senate GOP leadership. To emphasize the point, Republicans made speeches yesterday on the Senate floor to accuse the Democrats of "obstruction" on judicial nominations, medical malpractice and other issues. Aides said more such speeches -- and probably other efforts to highlight their message -- are planned. The welfare bill would extend for five more years the 1996 law, which imposed work requirements and reduced welfare rolls by more than half. The Senate version of the bill seeks to move more recipients into jobs and to increase required work hours from 30 to 34 a week. A companion House bill, passed last year, contains more stringent requirements and is favored by Bush. The 1996 law has expired but was extended several times while Congress worked on the new bill. The most recent extension ends June 30. The Senate voted earlier this week to add to the welfare measure $6 billion to subsidies for child care for low-income families, a victory for Democrats and several GOP moderates who helped champion the cause. Yesterday, Republicans attempted to use the child care funding to embarrass Democrats. "In order to score political points, Democrats are leaving poor children and their working single moms out in the cold," said Senate Finance Committee Chairman Charles E. Grassley (R-Iowa), chief sponsor of the welfare bill. Democrats said they were only trying to assure that people who got jobs earned a livable wage, noting that the buying power of the current minimum wage is at an all-time low. They accused Republicans of being afraid to vote on the issue. "They don't want to take a hard vote, apparently," Kennedy said. Republicans said they were willing to allow votes on the Democratic amendments if Democrats would agree to send the welfare and trade measures to a conference with the House. "We're willing to pay a ransom but we want to be sure we get our victims back," Santorum said. Democrats contend they have been increasingly sidelined or marginalized in recent negotiations over major bills, including Medicare, energy, spending and pension legislation, and are unwilling to agree to conferences without "prenegotiation" agreements that ensure they will have a role in the deliberations. ? 2004 The Washington Post Company #################### - 2004 WELFARE REFORM NEEDS HEALTHY MARRIAGE McManus - Ethics & Religion Column #1,179 - Advance for April 3 2004 Welfare Reform Needs Healthy Marriage Initiative by Michael J. McManus This week the Senate began debating re-authorization of Welfare Reform that includes a "Healthy Marriage Initiative" to increase the percentage of couples who marry - and enjoy healthy marriages. The House passed its version of the bill a year ago. Only 54 percent of adults are married today and half of new marriages end in divorce. When Welfare Reform was passed by Congress in 1996, it was denounced by Sen. Pat Moynihan as "the most brutal act of social policy since Reconstruction." Marion Wright Edelman of the Children's Defense Fund, called the law "an outrage...that will hurt and impoverish millions of American children." However, Welfare Reform has been spectacularly successful at two levels. First, welfare rolls have plunged by 60 percent, as welfare recipients were required to go to work and day care was provided for their children. Even during the recession, when experts predicted that welfare rolls would grow again - they continued to fall. Second, the poverty rate has fallen. In 1996, 40 percent of black and Hispanic children were poor. In 2002, the percent fell to 31.5 among. blacks and 28.6 of Hispanic kids. And the percentage of single mothers in poverty fell from 50.3 to 39.8. People earn more working than on welfare. On the other hand, welfare reform had no impact on out-of-wedlock births, which grew from 1.26 million to 1.35 million children. A third of all births are now to unwed parents. Therefore, President Bush proposed a "Healthy Marriage Initiative" to reform Welfare Reform that would earmark $120 million a year of federal grants to promote marriage education and another $120 million a year if states put up $120 million. "The President feels strongly...about the need to increase the number of children who are growing up in healthy, married households. They do far better than on every measure of child welfare compared to children growing up in unmarried households," said HHS Assistant Secretary Wade Horn at a press conference Wednesday. Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback provided evidence: "Children growing up without fathers are five times more likely to be in poverty, are two to three times more likely to suffer from emotional and behavior problems as teenagers and to drop out of school. They are more likely to commit crime, engage in early promiscuous behavior and commit suicide. "By contrast, marriage is a good way out of poverty. It would lift 70 percent of those in poverty out of it if two people are working in a family rather than one." How marriageable are the poor, and are they even considering marriage? "Fragile Families" research of 4,700 new and unwed parents in inner cities found that at the birth of the child, half are living together, and another quarter are romantically involved. Furthermore, the fathers are much more "marriageable" than has been thought. Some 82 percent are employed and earn $17,500 on average. Two-thirds have at least a high school education. Only 2 percent had hit or slapped the mother. And most important, four out of five of mothers and fathers are considering marriage. But a year after the child's birth only 15 percent are married. The Healthy Marriage Initiative would provide funds to help those couples improve their skills of conflict resolution so they might actually marry - and be equipped to build a healthy marriage. Those skills can be taught by mentor couples in churches for free. But for the non- religious, counselors would be paid. "The need is clear," observed Family Research Council President Tony Perkins. "For every $1,000 we spend on public programs addressing the breakdown of the family, we only spend $1 trying to prevent that breakdown in the first place. The President's initiative puts the emphasis in the right place - prevention." The funds can also be used to help those in the middle class build, enrich and restore marriages. This is a way to prevent families from falling into poverty. However, passage of welfare reform with the Healthy Marriage Initiative ground to a halt Thursday when Republican leaders were unable to get 60 votes to cut off debate. Democrats who opposed the bill in 1996 oppose this bill too. However, they know if they were recorded as voting against a bill to strengthen marriage, that would not look good. So they filibustered. It is tragic that partisanship kills this bill that could lift millions out of poverty Copyright 2004 Michael J. McManus ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Apr 2 15:41:26 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 15:41:26 -0500 Subject: Divorce Rates Can Be Cut:New Research - Some Good News! -4/04 In-Reply-To: <1ad.21b9979b.2d9f0a75@cs.com> Message-ID: subject: Divorce Rates Can Be Cut:New Research - Some Good News! -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? On the heels of yesterday's TANF deadlock and just when we need a boost, comes some good news of exciting findings on the success of Community Marriage Policies. These results are even more encouraging when you realize this has been an all volunteer effort. Think what we could do with funding and a more focused effort! Take this research to your community officials, to the leaders of your congregation and denomination, to private foundations - it should help convince people to support Community Marriage Policies in ways that will build on this momentum. If you will be in DC on Monday, April 5th, I encourage you to attend the press conference. Pass this invitation on to press and other interested parties - it's open to all. You can get the executive research summary at the press conference, or if you can't be there, I'll get it out to the list next Tuesday. - diane * * * * * * * * * * DIVORCE RATES CAN BE CUT For 30 years there has been one divorce for every two marriages in America. This 50% divorce rate has appeared to be granite that could not be chipped. There has been no proven strategy for reducing the divorce rate across a community, until now. However, a major new study will be released at 10 a.m. April 5, at the National Press Club with evidence from 114 cities in 122 counties that clergy who cooperate across denominational lines can create a "Community Marriage Policy?" that cuts the divorce rate by nearly a fifth over seven years. That is nearly double the decline of comparable counties in each state with no plan to save marriage, whose divorce rate fell less than a tenth in the same period. The study, "Assessing the Impact of Community Marriage Policies? on U.S. County Divorce Rates" by the Institute for Research and Evaluation of Salt Lake City - found that clergy can significantly reduce the divorce rate. However, the key is for clergy of diverse houses of worship to adopt a Community Marriage Policy?, which includes such reforms as rigorous marriage preparation, enriching all existing marriages and mentoring couples in crisis. Then the divorce rate decline almost doubles that of counties with no such program, says the study, which is scheduled for publication in an upcoming issue of Family Relations, a leading scholarly journal. The meeting will be hosted by David Blankenhorn of the Institute for American Values. Among the speakers will be Dr. Wade Horn Assistant Secretary of HHS who oversees the Administration's Healthy Marriage Initiative, Mike & Harriet McManus, Co-Chairs of Marriage Savers, Dr. Stan Weed, President of the Institute for American Values which conducted the study, and Diane Sollee, Director of Smart Marriages. If you plan to attend please RSVP Peggy.Mader at verizon.net or call 301 469-5873. Michael J. McManus Ethics & Religion column Founder & President Marriage Savers 9311 Harrington Dr. Potomac, MD 20854 301 469-5873 Website: marriagesavers.org The National Press Club is at 529 14th St NW on the red line at the Metro Center subway stop. See you there. Press Club: 202-662-7500 ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Apr 2 23:00:33 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Fri, 02 Apr 2004 23:00:33 -0500 Subject: Georgia Legislation/Homeless Shelters/Study/ Laugh your way -4/04 Message-ID: subject: Georgia Legislation/Homeless Shelters/Study/ Laugh your way -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - GEORGIA PASSES MARRIAGE EDUCATION LEGISLATION - PAIRS FOR PEERS & COUPLES COMMUNICATION IN HOMELESS SHELTERS - STUDY: SUCCESS WON'T SPOIL WOMEN'S MARRIAGE PROSPECTS - FALLING IN LOVE ########################## - GEORGIA PASSES MARRIAGE EDUCATION LEGISLATION HB 1451, the bill to offer a discount on the marriage license fee to couples who have received pre-marital counseling passed the Senate yesterday by a vote of 45-2. The bill had been locked up in Senate Rules for weeks, but was finally moved on Thursday, April 1. Rules Chairman, Senator Don Balfour, credits the decision to move the bill to all the phone calls and e-mails received from supporters. Calls obviously make a difference. The bill now goes to the Governor for his signature. - diane ######################### - PAIRS FOR PEERS & COUPLES COMMUNICATION IN HOMELESS SHELTERS This is the second report I've received on using Marriage Education programs with success in homeless shelters. The earlier report was on the great success in using the COUPLE COMMUNICATION PROGRAM with couples/families at a homeless shelter in Arizona. This should help allay concern about whether this stuff works with poor and at-risk populations. - diane > I am employed at a 52 bed homeless shelter in downtown Philadelphia where I > have been making use of the PEERS materials with my clients. I just want to > report on how pleased I am to have found this program. > > Together we are witnessing the profound effect that being able to communicate > clearly has on not only personal relationships but also on the interpersonal > communication that is required in functioning with social service agencies. > Overwhelmingly, the PEERS material allows and challenges my clients to go back > to recover from developmental deficits. > Rev. Carl A. Browne, Jr. The COUPLE COMMUNICATION Institute is on Wed & Thurs, July 7 & 8 at the Dallas Smart Marriages Conference. Registration for this institute - #106 taught by founders Sherod & Phyllis Miller - will close this year, so please to be sure to register early if you plan to take this training. You can see the PEERS Program demonstrated in the FREE school/youth program institute (#117) on Thursday or take a 90-min workshop on Sat Morning: > 406 - Sat July 10, Dallas > PAIRS for PEERS: Emotional Literacy for Teens > Ellen Purcell, Lena Gillis, Derrick Gillis, DMin, Shirley Burnside, MSW > Learn how PEERS is taught in low-income, at-risk settings and with family > groups to prepare teens for marriage, enhance intimacy in the parents, and > improve the parent/child bond. (OR, apparently, to increase emotional literacy in a homeless shelter - these skills are generic across class and cultural boundaries. - diane) ################################# - STUDY: SUCCESS WON'T SPOIL WOMEN'S MARRIAGE PROSPECTS > as women's incomes and education levels have risen, the specialized marriage > has become less common, and hypergamy has declined. > Marriage is also declining across the population, regardless of education. > Less-educated men have experienced the largest decline in marriage. > "Practically everybody is less likely to be married. So (women are) finding > that they're less likely to be married and (saying) it's because of my > success," she says. "But they can't really blame it on their success, because > it is not nearly hurting them as much as it used to." Seattle Times Wednesday, March 31, 2004 By Sharon Pian Chan Seattle Times staff reporter Contrary to popular belief, highly educated women are now more likely to marry than they were in 1980, says an economist at the University of Washington. Elaina Rose, an associate professor, came to that conclusion after a three-year study of U.S. census data. And she thinks the trend is due to fewer women marrying up, meaning they are less likely to choose better-educated mates. Rose expects to present the results of her study at an economic demography workshop at the Population Association of America conference in Boston today. "I would have expected more successful women not being married," she said. "But that is not the case. It's the perception, not the case." Funded by a grant from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, Rose examined marriage data from 1980, 1990 and 2000 for men and women ages 40 to 44. "There was certainly this perception that educated, successful women are not getting married because their success was working at a disadvantage to them in the marriage market, and that men were not being accepting of successful women as marriage partners," she said. "So I thought, wait, we can actually look at this, we can actually put this to the data." She did find that a woman who pursues more education after high school is less likely to get married. "I call that the success gap. The more likely she is to get an education, the less likely she is to marry," Rose said. But her likelihood of marriage is improving. While the gap persisted from 1980 to 2000, it narrowed. In 1980, a woman with three years of graduate school was 13.5 percentage points less likely to be married than a woman with only a high-school diploma. By 2000, that gap shrank to less than 5 percentage points. Because the number of well-educated women has gone up, she said, "We might think it would be worse for successful women. That certainly has been the idea promoted in the media lately." Rose points to the hoopla in 2002 when New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd asserted that men don't like to date successful women, and to a book published the same year by economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett, "Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children." The book professes that the more successful the woman, the less likely it is that she'll marry or have children. The popular myth that accomplished women are destined to remain single has persisted since Newsweek erroneously reported in 1986 that a 40-year-old woman was more likely to die by a terrorist's hand than to take a man's hand in marriage. "From time to time, people have raised alarms about the possible fate for highly educated women," said Robert Mare, a professor of sociology at University of California, Los Angeles. "Most serious demographers have been very skeptical of this all the way along." Rose believes that several factors have narrowed the success gap in marriage. Traditionally, she said, women have chosen husbands with more earning power. There's even a name for this concept: hypergamy. "If we think of the old-fashioned 'Leave It to Beaver' marriage where the wife is staying home and taking care of the home, and the husband is going to work and bringing home the bacon, that's what economists called a specialized marriage" ? a context in which it made sense for a woman to marry a man who could make more money, Rose says. But as women's incomes and education levels have risen, the specialized marriage has become less common, and hypergamy has declined. Marriage is also declining across the population, regardless of education. Less-educated men have experienced the largest decline in marriage. "Practically everybody is less likely to be married. So (women are) finding that they're less likely to be married and (saying) it's because of my success," she says. "But they can't really blame it on their success, because it is not nearly hurting them as much as it used to." Rose also studied the success gap in terms of motherhood ? whether more highly educated women are having children now than before. She found that while that gap is shrinking, it is not shrinking as fast as the gap in marriage. She hopes that younger women in particular will pay attention to her research. "The message is not for the educated women but the young women who are contemplating their careers and education," Rose says. "And that is to not feel that having high aspirations for their careers is going to hinder their prospects in the marriage market, because it's a small difference at this point and it's probably getting smaller." Rose, 43, also discovered her personal prospects for marriage weren't as bad as she thought they were. After being divorced for several years, she tried an online dating service. "As the data were crunching away, literally, and I believed Maureen Dowd as well, I met the man of my dreams," she said. They got married last summer. Rose, who has a doctoral degree in economics, said she has more education than her husband, based on the U.S. Census' measures. "But the marriage is certainly hypergamous in a number of respects," she said. Copyright ? 2004 The Seattle Times Company ########################### - FALLING IN LOVE This is from the Laugh Your Way e-newsletter "Better Marriage Moments" by Mark Gungor. To subscribe to the free newsletter visit www.laughyourway.com. Mark will present at the Dallas Smart Marriages conference in a workshop that is clearly going to sell out - get your registrations in early if you hope to see this one. - diane > 807 - Sunday July 11, 3 - 4:30pm, Dallas Smart Marriages > The Number One Key to Incredible Sex > Mark Gungor > Learn a humorous and incredibly effective approach to understanding the > misinformation that kills off sex and passion, and how to turn things around. >From Better Marriage Moments: > Falling in Love: > When a man falls in love with a woman, his thoughts are something like this: > "I love her, she's great, in fact - she is perfect.? I love her just the way > she is and I hope she never changes."? > ? > When a woman falls in love with a man, her thoughts are generally something > like this: "I love him, he's great, but he really needs some work." > ? > Think about it: he loves her the way she is and hopes she never changes, and > she loves him despite the way he is and really looks forward to changing him. > ? > You can see how the stage is set for conflict. > ? > Working for Change: > The thought of working on?"relationships" makes most men feel ill.? You see, > to a man, work is something you do to earn money.? Work is something you do to > fix something or clean something up.??Relationships are something we think we > should NEVER have to work on. > ? > Women, on the other hand, love to work on their relationships.? After all, she > is all about relationships and she enjoys tending to them like a gardener > tends to a bed of roses. > ? > Guys, when your wife wants to discuss improving your marriage, don't take > offense.? She doesn't mean to insult or offend you.? It's just that she is a > woman and women enjoy working on their relationships.? She enjoys the > "improving" process. > ? > Girls, don't take offense when your husband is resistant to working on your > relationship.? To men, life is all about work.? If there is one area of life > he feels should not be about work, it is his relationship with you.? > Besides,?most men think?they are?OK the way?they are -?we don't really want to > change.? Don't interpret that to mean he doesn't care - he does.? He just > looks at things differently than you do.??Go ahead and help us to grow and > "improve" (we probably really do need it).? Just remember to view us as a long > term project.? We don't change quickly.? > Copyright ? 2004 Laugh Your Way America! LLC - All Rights Reserved. > > To learn more about Mark Gungor and the ministry of Laugh Your Way America!, > visit us at www.laughyourway.com or give us a call at 866-52-LAUGH. > ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Apr 4 21:54:54 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 21:54:54 -0400 Subject: Press Conference/What Next?/NO-FAULT/Indiana Marriage-4/04 Message-ID: subject: Press Conference/What Next?/NO-FAULT/Indiana Marriage-4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - PRESS CONFERENCE: DIVORCE RATE CAN BE CUT - WHAT TO TAKE? - SURPRISE: NO-FAULT DIVORCE MAY STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE - INDIANA MARRIAGE ########################### - PRESS CONFERENCE: DIVORCE RATE CAN BE CUT - Monday! Join us Monday April 5, 10am at the National Press Club, Washington DC to hear research on the success of Community Marriage Policies in cutting the divorce rate. Speakers: Wade Horn, Stan Weed, David Blankenhorn, and Mike & Harriet McManus. - diane ############################ - WHAT TO TAKE? > Dear Diana, > > I need your advice on which institutes to take in Dallas. I don't expect you > to remember our history so I will review our courses since 2002. That was our > first conference (my wife and I) and we took the Marriage Savers and the > FOCCUS training. The next year we brought two couples with us and took > several of the basic marriage education programs - PAIRS, Family Wellness and > Relationship Enhancement. We are excited because we've got the green light to > bring five couples from our ministry to the Dallas conference! We briefly > chatted with you as we were leaving Reno and you said our next step should be > to add some of the more focused programs. Can you please give us a bit of > guidance. I'd appreciate hearing from you this week because we need to make > travel arrangements and as you know, we can't do that until we decide on the > pre and post institutes. I do understand how busy you are and do appreciate > your time. > XXXXXXXXXx On the theory that if one asks, many wonder I'll share this with the list. I do remember you and am pleased that you'll be able to bring couples with you - it's so helpful to have a core group of trained couples. It also helps to have a variety of programs. And, it sounds like you're reaching "critical mass" and should start planning a community healthy marriage initiative. More on that later. What I meant by 'focused programs' are those focused on specific areas like stepfamilies, substance abuse, domestic violence, sex, childbirth, courtship, school/youth programs, etc. etc. You can't go wrong adding: either #115 or #915 - the Stepfamily programs #118 Learning Sobriety Together #902 The Compassion Workshops - violence/anger management #907 Couples Sexual Awareness #901 Becoming Parents Program #910 How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk - courtship/mate-selection guidelines ALL congregations and communities have couples dealing with ALL of these issues - these are crucial "add-ons" to the basic marriage skills courses. Another way to "focus" is to brush up on your teaching skills and to add exercises - #914 "Warm Up!" gets very high marks for this. A course like Pat Love's Essence of Marriage #913 will teach the specific use of the Enneagram - learn to use personality types in your marriage ed classes - and integrate it into a comprehensive marriage education curriculum. And a course like #911 Controlled Separation provides a proven protocol for working with couples in crisis - on the brink of divorce. You don't say if you are bringing five new couples or if some of these are repeats. It might be good to have the new couples take one of the "basic" marriage education programs that you haven't yet covered like PREP, Couple Communication, 7 Habits, Divorce Busting, Lasting Love, Active Relationships, Empowering Couples, etc. You'd then have yet another marriage education program and its materials AND the new couples will have a better understanding of just what marriage education is all about. In addition to Marriage Savers which you've taken, there are several excellent offerings on faith-based programs - IMAGO Curriculum for Churches, MFEST, Christian PAIRS, etc. These will give you additional ideas for recruitment, training and teaching. I know you are only bringing 10 people and there are 35 Institutes (and I probably sound like a mother with too many children), so I'll stop here except that I do want you to think about sending someone to the First Things First #908 institute - maybe that should be you and your wife - to explore how to begin a Community Healthy Marriage Initiative. If you've still got questions, email me and I'll see if I can answer them. If not, we'll arrange a time to talk. - diane ####################### - SURPRISE: NO-FAULT DIVORCE MAY STRENGTHEN MARRIAGE > Diane, > Bet you won't share this one with your list. > Tony K. Smart Marriages? is all about helping couples create stronger, more satisfying marriages. We're excited about any research about what will help them do that. Thanks for sending this. No one else did. - diane > > Chicago Tribune > Surprise: No-fault divorce may strengthen marriage > By Steve Chapman > April 2, 2004 > > CHICAGO - Divorce is one of those creations, like fast food and "lite rock," > that have more people willing to indulge in them than people willing to defend > them. > > In the 1960s, easier divorce was hailed as a needed remedy for toxic > relationships. But familiarity has bred contempt. In recent years, the divorce > revolution has been blamed for worsening all sorts of problems without > bringing happiness to people in unhappy marriages. > > There's a lot of evidence that marital breakup does more social harm than > good. In their 2000 book, The Case for Marriage, Linda Waite and Maggie > Gallagher document that adults who are married do better than singles in > wealth, health and personal satisfaction. Children living with a divorced or > unwed single parent are more likely to fall into poverty, sickness and crime > than other kids. > > Marriage is a good thing, most people agree, while divorce is, at best, a > necessary evil. So the laws that accompanied the divorce revolution have come > under fire for destroying families and weakening safeguards for spouses who > keep their vows. > > Ms. Waite and Ms. Gallagher argue that loose divorce laws harm even intact > households by fostering chronic uncertainty. > > It may seem obvious that easier divorce laws make for more divorce and more > insecurity. But what is obvious is not necessarily true. > > In the old days, anyone who wanted to escape from the trials of wedlock had to > get his or her spouse to agree to a split, or else go to court to prove the > partner had done something terribly wrong (such as committing adultery). The > 1960s and '70s brought no-fault divorce. > > The first surprise is that looser divorce laws have actually had little effect > on the number of marriages that fall apart. Economist Justin Wolfers of > Stanford University, in a study published by the National Bureau of Economic > Research (NBER), found that when California passed a no-fault divorce law in > 1970, the divorce rate jumped, then fell back to its old level - and then fell > some more. > > That was also the pattern in other states that loosened their laws. Over time, > he estimates, the chance that a first marriage would break up rose by less > than 1 percent. > > In short, nothing bad happened. But in another NBER paper, Mr. Wolfers and > Betsey Stevenson of the University of Pennsylvania report that in states that > relaxed their divorce laws, some very good things happened: Fewer women > committed suicide, and fewer were murdered by husbands or other "intimate" > partners. In addition, both men and women suffered less domestic violence, > compared with states that didn't change their laws. > > We're not talking about tiny improvements here. Mr. Wolfers and Ms. Stevenson > say that in no-fault states, there was a 10 percent drop in a woman's chance > of being killed by her spouse or boyfriend. The rate of female suicide in new > no-fault states fell by about 20 percent. The effect was more dramatic still > for domestic violence - which "declined by somewhere between a quarter and a > half between 1976 and 1985 in those states that reformed their divorce laws," > according to Ms. Stevenson and Mr. Wolfers. > > What could account for these surprising benefits? Something simple: A change > in divorce laws alters the balance of power in a marriage, giving more > leverage to the weaker or more vulnerable spouse. > > If either partner can demand a divorce, each has a greater incentive to keep > the other content. If an abused spouse has an open exit, some abusers - and > potential abusers - will find it possible to behave themselves. > > By assuring both people in a marriage that they can get out if things go > badly, the looser laws can foster the sort of behavior needed to make sure > things go well. > > No-fault divorce once looked like a remedy for bad marriages, in the same way > that amputation is a remedy for a gangrenous limb. The good news is that it > may prevent the disease in the first place. > > Steve Chapman is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune, a Tribune Publishing > newspaper. His column appears Tuesdays and Fridays in The Sun. > > Copyright ? 2004 ######################## - INDIANA MARRIAGE I'm sharing this "just because" - just because it's interesting to see how marriage law and custom evolved in one state over the years. - diane Indiana once was the place for quick marriage, divorce >From Star and news reports April 4, 2004 ? Back in the days when Indiana was the hinterland, not the Heartland, it had a reputation for marriage and family law that bordered on scandalous. "Indiana was one of those places you went to for a quickie divorce in the 1830s and 1840s," said Purdue University historian John Larson. Getting hitched was pretty easy, as well. Indiana allowed common-law marriages prior to 1957. Under the old statutes, couples with "pure motive" and acting in "good faith" could, under certain conditions, live together as husband and wife without a marriage ceremony. Race, if not gender, was an issue in the 19th century. An 1818 Indiana law prohibited "mixed marriages," and an 1840 law prohibited "the amalgamation of whites and blacks," though it's not known how well such laws were enforced, according to "The Centennial History of The Indiana General Assembly, 1816-1978," by Justin E. Walsh. Such laws were voided in 1965. Indiana was a popular destination for couples in a hurry to get married because a three-day waiting period wasn't instituted until 1958. A law requiring VD tests had passed in 1940. There no longer is a waiting period, and blood tests for sexually transmitted diseases now are voluntary. Informal wedding chapels, typically operated by a local justice of the peace, dotted counties near Chicago and Louisville as people crossed the state line for a quickie marriage. Indiana's marriage code now looks pretty much like that of other states. Same-sex marriage is prohibited (Indiana Code 31-11-1-1), as is marriage between first cousins, unless at least one of the parties is 65 or older. Bigamy is outlawed, and the age of consent is set at 18 for each party; there are complex exceptions for those 17 and younger, however. The 2000 Census counted 118,775 "unmarried partner" households in Indiana that year, or about one in every 20 households in the state. Most constituted heterosexual couples, but there were 6,087 male-male households and 5,847 female- female households counted. The 2000 Census also found that approximately 54 percent of all adult Hoosiers (classified as 15 and older) were married and living with a spouse, as compared to a national average of about 51 percent in this age range -- perhaps suggesting that Indiana women were more likely than women elsewhere to demand a ring before moving in with a man. #################### ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Apr 4 21:37:48 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Sun, 04 Apr 2004 21:37:48 -0400 Subject: Reducing Domestic Violence: How the Healthy Marriage Initiative Can Help-4/04 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: Reducing Domestic Violence: How Marriage Initiative Can Help-4/04 from: Smart Marriages? ######################## - REDUCING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: HOW THE HEALTHY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE CAN HELP Reducing Domestic Violence: How the Healthy Marriage Initiative Can Help by Melissa G. Pardue and Robert Rector Backgrounder #1744 March 30, 2004 In the United States today, one child in three is born outside of marriage. The decline of marriage is a prominent cause of child poverty, welfare dependence, and many other social problems. In response to these concerns, President George W. Bush has proposed the Healthy Marriage Initiative to promote and encourage strong marriages. The proposed program would provide $300 million annually in federal and state Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) money to state-level programs that promote marriage and marriage skills, particularly among low-income and "fragile" families. All participation in the President's marriage program would be voluntary. The program would utilize existing marriage-skills education that has proven effective in decreasing conflict--and increasing happiness and stability--among target couples. However, critics of the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative often assert that such a program would encourage or force vulnerable women into violent and dangerous relationships. Specifically, critics argue that a substantial portion of many low-income women who would participate in the marriage program are in abusive relationships and that the program would push women into marriages with abusive men, thereby increasing the rate of domestic abuse. Erroneous Criticisms These arguments by opponents of the Healthy Marriage Initiative are erroneous for a number of reasons: 1. Marriage-education programs that would be funded under the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative have been shown to reduce--not increase--domestic abuse. 2. The primary target groups for the healthy marriage programs would be unmarried couples at the time of a child's birth, or young, at-risk couples prior to a child's conception. The rate of domestic abuse in these groups is extremely low--around 2 percent. 3. The prevalence of domestic abuse among low-income women is often exaggerated by the use of statistics regarding whether or not a woman has ever been abused in her lifetime rather than whether or not abuse is occurring within a current romantic relationship. 4. Critics incorrectly assume that the target population for the Healthy Marriage Initiative would be older, single mothers in the TANF program. Typically, older welfare mothers have already severed ties with the fathers of their children. Such relationships have often been dead for several years: These mothers, therefore, are not good candidates for a marriage program. Rather, healthy marriage programs would seek to improve the stability and quality of relationships for low-income women at a younger age. Couples at this stage of life--generally termed "fragile families"--have relatively good prospects for entering into healthy, stable marriages. The rate of domestic violence among these couples is low--around 2 percent.1 Although the rate of current abuse suffered by older mothers on welfare is far higher--around 20 to 30 percent--as noted, these women would not be a target group of the Healthy Marriage Initiative. Thus, the assertion that welfare mothers experience high rates of domestic abuse is irrelevant to an assessment of the prospects of the Healthy Marriage Initiative. By intervening at a younger age, the Healthy Marriage Initiative would seek to improve the well-being of children and to reduce future child poverty and welfare dependence. 5. Many low-income mothers are trapped in patterns of serial cohabitation, moving through a sequence of fractured, failed relationships with men. Domestic violence is most likely to occur within this pattern of serial cohabitation. The Healthy Marriage Initiative could help prevent couples from falling prey to this destructive pattern by providing them with the knowledge and skills needed to build healthy, stable relationships. The proper time for such training is when couples are at a relatively young age--either prior to a child's conception or at the time of a child's birth--before self-defeating patterns of distrust and acrimony have developed. By helping couples to avoid the pitfalls of serial failed relationships, the Healthy Marriage Initiative will substantially reduce, rather than increase, domestic violence. Indeed, unless couples are equipped with the skills they need to develop healthy relationships, it is difficult to imagine how the current rates of domestic violence in low-income communities can be reduced. 6. Prototype healthy marriage programs, such as the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative, have not led to increases in domestic violence. In Oklahoma, more than 14,000 individuals have received training, but not a single instance of domestic abuse linked to the program has been reported. The marriage initiative works closely with local domestic violence prevention groups, and these groups have made no complaints regarding the operation of the program.2 Domestic Violence and Welfare Mothers Opponents of the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative claim that the policy will target women who are likely to be in abusive relationships. Critics also charge that the marriage program will push these vulnerable women further into dangerous and violent relationships and possibly even endanger their lives. For example, the NOW Legal Defense Fund asserts: Because of the prevalence of intimate violence among women receiving public assistance, promotion of marriage will jeopardize the safety and lives of women and children. As many as 60 percent of welfare recipients are survivors of domestic violence. Marriage-promotion programs, which target a population that is made up to such a large degree of women who are domestic violence survivors, can have disastrous results.... [I]f [the healthy marriage initiative] goes forward, survivors may well be coerced into abusive marriages that they may not survive.3 These ominous claims are based on a misunderstanding of marriage-promotion programs and the characteristics of the couples who would participate in them. First, the figure that 60 percent of welfare mothers are "survivors of domestic violence" indicates that a high percentage of welfare mothers have experienced some level of domestic violence at some point during their lives; it does not mean that 60 percent of welfare mothers are experiencing violence in a current relationship. The figures for current (or recent) domestic abuse among welfare mothers are considerably lower: Some 20 percent to 30 percent have experienced violence in a current relationship or within the past year. 4 While these figures are still regrettably high, they indicate that most welfare mothers, at present, are not in abusive relationships. Furthermore, participation in marriage programs will be voluntary; no one will be "coerced" to participate. In addition, marriage-promotion programs do not assume that all relationships should be saved. In fact, rather than pushing women further into abusive relationships, the programs would urge women to leave situations where significant abuse is occurring. Marriage education programs teach couples how to resolve disagreements peacefully: A primary effect of these programs is to de-escalate conflict and significantly reduce strife and acrimony within relationships. Consequently, the programs have been shown to reduce domestic violence, not increase it.5 The NOW Legal Defense Fund also incorrectly assumes that the main target group of the Healthy Marriage Initiative would be older, single mothers on welfare (i.e., mothers enrolled in the TANF program). However, because most older welfare mothers have relationships with the fathers of their children that collapsed years ago, they would not be a suitable target group for marriage-promotion programs. Instead, the Healthy Marriage Initiative will provide skills to unmarried couples before their relationships turn bitter and acrimonious. By providing skills training at an early stage in a relationship, marriage-promotion programs will help couples to build happy and stable families in the future. The Healthy Marriage Initiative will focus primarily on unmarried, young adult couples around the time of their child's birth or--even better--prior to their child's conception. These couples have been referred to as "fragile families." The domestic abuse rate among "fragile family" couples--the targets for healthy marriages programs--is only around 2 percent. This represents one-tenth of the domestic abuse level found among current welfare mothers. By helping these couples build enduring and harmonious relationships, the Healthy Marriage Initiative can substantially reduce future domestic abuse. What the Fragile Families Survey Shows The Fragile Families and Child Wellbeing Study provides the best information about the low-income couples who would be the focal point of the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative. The study, which has been conducted by a team of researchers at Princeton University's Center for Research on Child Wellbeing and Columbia University's Social Indicators Survey Center, is a joint academic survey of new parents. The study is based on a nationally representative sample of parents--both married and unmarried--at the time of a child's birth.6 Overall, the Fragile Families Survey reveals much surprising information. * Most out-of-wedlock births occur among young adult women--not teenagers in high school. The median age for women having children out of wedlock is 22. * Roughly half of unmarried mothers were cohabiting with the child's father at the time of the baby's birth. Nearly 75 percent were romantically involved with the father at the time of the child's birth. * Very few unmarried fathers had drug or alcohol problems. About 98 percent of fathers had been employed during the prior year. Overall, the median annual income of the unmarried fathers was $17,500. * Most of the unmarried couples had a strong interest in marriage: Approximately 73 percent of mothers and 88 percent of fathers believed that they had at least a 50-50 chance of marrying each other in the future. * Among all the unmarried couples in the Fragile Families Survey, the domestic violence rate was 4 percent; however, among the roughly 75 percent of unmarried couples who were cohabiting or romantically involved, the domestic violence rate was lower--1.8 percent. These cohabiting and romantically involved couples would be the main target group of healthy-marriage programs. Marriage as a Protective Institution Contrary to the views of the NOW Legal Defense Fund, marriage tends to protect women from domestic abuse rather than increasing it. In general, domestic violence is more common in cohabiting relationships than in marriages. Analysis from the National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS), administered by the Department of Justice, also shows that mothers who are, or have been, married are far less likely to suffer from violent crime than are mothers who have never married. Specifically, data from the NCVS survey show that:7 * Marriage dramatically reduces the risk that mothers will suffer from domestic abuse. The incidence of abuse by a spouse, boyfriend, or domestic partner is twice as high among mothers who have never been married as it is among mothers who have been married (including those who have separated or divorced).8 * Marriage dramatically reduces the prospect that mothers will suffer from violent crime in general at the hands of intimate acquaintances or of strangers. Mothers who have never married--including those who are single and living either alone or with a boyfriend, and those who are cohabiting with their child's father--are twice as likely to be victims of violent crime as are mothers who have been married.9 The pattern of cohabiting relationships among low-income women is a major factor in the increased risk for partner violence. More than half of all children in poverty come from homes with a never-married mother, and nearly two-thirds of welfare dependence occurs among households with mothers who have never married.10 By intervening at an early point in the lives of women, marriage programs would seek to break this cycle of cohabitation and out-of-wedlock childbearing. They would provide the skills and training needed to help women form loving, stable, and committed relationships before becoming pregnant or moving in with a violent or abusive partner. How the Healthy Marriage Initiative Would Make Women Safer The 1996 welfare reform law established national goals of reducing out-of-wedlock childbearing and increasing two-parent families. President Bush's Healthy Marriage Initiative would seek to meet these original goals of welfare reform by proposing--as part of welfare reauthorization--a new model program to promote strong marriages. His proposed program would seek to increase healthy marriage by providing at-risk individuals and couples with: * Accurate information on the value of marriage in the lives of men, women, and children; * Marriage-skills education that will enable couples to reduce conflict and increase the happiness and longevity of their relationships; and * Experimental reductions in the financial penalties against marriage that are currently contained in all federal welfare programs. All participation in the President's marriage program would be voluntary. The initiative would utilize existing marriage-skills education programs that have proven effective in decreasing conflict and increasing happiness and stability among couples. These programs have also been shown to be effective in reducing domestic violence.11 The pro-marriage initiative would not merely seek to increase marriage rates among target couples, but would also provide ongoing support to help at-risk couples maintain healthy marriages over time. A well-designed marriage initiative would target participants early in their lives, when attitudes and relationships are initially being formed. Typically, such marriage-promotion programs would provide information to at-risk high school students about the long-term value of marriage. They would teach relationship skills to unmarried adult couples before the women become pregnant--with a focus on preventing pregnancy before couples have made a commitment to healthy marriages. The programs would also provide marriage-skills training and relationship education to unmarried couples at the "magic moment" of a child's birth and would offer marriage-skills training to low-income married couples to improve the quality of their marriage and to reduce the likelihood of divorce. The primary focus of these marriage programs would be preventative, not reparative. They would seek to prevent the isolation and poverty of welfare mothers by intervening at an early point, before a pattern of broken relationships and welfare dependence has emerged. By fostering better life decisions and stronger relationship skills, marriage programs can increase child well-being and adult happiness and reduce child poverty and welfare dependence. The Record of Success of Marriage Programs Critics of the President's initiative often claim that there is no evidence showing that the marriage education and enrichment programs envisioned by the Healthy Marriage Initiative would work. This charge is simply false. There is overwhelming evidence that programs that provide marriage-skills training help couples to increase happiness, improve their relationships, and avoid negative behaviors that can lead to marital breakup. No fewer than 29 peer-reviewed social-science journal articles provide ample evidence (from actual experience) that marriage education, training, and counseling programs--some of which have been around for more than 30 years--have significantly strengthened the marriages of the couples that have taken advantage of such programs.12 These studies--integrating findings from well over 100 separate evaluations--show that a wide variety of marriage-strengthening programs can reduce strife, improve communication, increase parenting skills, increase stability, and enhance marital happiness. * One analysis--referred to by scientists as a "meta-analysis"--integrated 85 studies involving nearly 4,000 couples enrolled in more than 20 different marriage-enrichment programs. It found that the average couple, after participating in a program, was better off than more than two-thirds of couples that did not participate.13 * A 1999 meta-analysis of 16 studies of one of the oldest marriage-enhancement programs, Couple Communication, observed meaningful program effects with regard to numerous measures: Couples who took the training experienced moderate-to-large gains in communication skills, marital satisfaction, and other relationship qualities.14 For example, in the critical area of marital communication, the average Couple Communication-trained participants outperformed 83 percent of couples who had not participated in the program. * An analysis of the Relationship Enhancement program shows that it significantly improves marital relationships. As a result of the program, participating couples reported better relationships than 83 percent of couples that did not participate. (Participants in the Relationship Enhancement program were predominantly lower-income couples.) * A study conducted in 2002 documents the effectiveness of premarital inventory questionnaires and counseling in preventing marital distress. This approach yielded a 52 percent increase in the number of couples classified as "most satisfied" with their relationship. Among the remaining couples, more than half reported improved assessments of their relationship. Among the highest-risk couples, more than 80 percent moved up into a more "positive" category.15 * A 1993 meta-analysis of marriage and family counseling noted that, among 71 studies that compared the results of counseling to no-counseling, couples who participated in marriage counseling were better off than 70 percent of couples that did not participate in counseling.16 * An extensive review of the literature on the effectiveness of marital counseling in preventing separation and divorce found dozens of studies demonstrating that counseling was effective in reducing conflict and increasing marital satisfaction.17 This scientific research demonstrates that marriage programs--whether they are called marital preparation, enhancement, counseling, or skills training--are effective. These studies make a strong case that marriages are not merely enabled to survive, but can also thrive when couples learn the skills necessary to make their relationships work. Moreover, the research shows that these programs are effective in a variety of socioeconomic classes. Polls also indicate that the overwhelming majority of low-income couples that are at risk for out-of-wedlock childbearing or marital breakup would like to participate in programs that would help them improve their relationships. Conclusion The institution of marriage has been shown to be overwhelmingly beneficial to children, adults, and society. However, for more than 50 years, government policy has discouraged marriage through the penalties inherent in the means-tested welfare system. There is now a broad consensus that this trend should be reversed and that government should promote healthy marriage. Marriage promotion has the potential to significantly decrease poverty and dependence, increase child well-being and adult happiness, and provide the safest environment for women and children. Opponents of the President's Healthy Marriage Initiative, who claim that such a program would force women into violent and dangerous relationships by coercing or encouraging them to get married, misrepresent the goals of the program. By specifically targeting young adult men and women and at-risk high school students with information about the long-term value of marriage, marriage programs are preventative, not reparative, in nature. They seek to prevent the isolation and poverty of welfare mothers by intervening at an early point, before a pattern of broken relationships and welfare dependence has emerged. By fostering better life decisions and stronger relationship skills, marriage programs can increase the well-being of both children and adults and can reduce the likelihood of poverty, welfare dependence, and violent relationships. Robert Rector is Senior Research Fellow in Domestic Policy Studies, and Melissa G. Pardue is a Policy Analyst in the Domestic Policy Studies Department, at the Heritage Foundation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Roughly three-quarters of the couples who are unmarried at the time of their child's birth are cohabiting or romantically involved. The domestic violence rate for such cohabiting or romantically involved couples, who would be the main target for pro-marriage programs, is slightly less than 2 percent. 2. Information provided by Mary Myrick, Program Manager, Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. 3. NOW Legal Defense and Education Fund, "Why NOW Legal Defense Opposes Federal Marriage Promotion in TANF Reauthorization," p. 2, at www.nowldef.org/html/issues/wel/marriagebackgrounder.pdf. 4. Richard Tolman and Jody Raphel, "A Review of Research on Welfare and Domestic Violence," Journal of Social Issues, Vol. 56, Issue 4 (2002). 5. Patrick F. Fagan, Robert W. Patterson, and Robert E. Rector, "Marriage and Welfare Reform: The Overwhelming Evidence that Marriage Education Works," Heritage Foundation Backgrounder No. 1606, October 25, 2002. 6. The initial, or baseline, interviews for the Fragile Families project began in Austin, Texas, and Oakland, California, in the spring of 1998 and were completed in 18 other cities by the fall of 2000. The baseline set of data includes 4,898 completed interviews with mothers (representing 3,712 non-marital births and 1,186 marital births) and 3,830 completed interviews with fathers. The national sample from 20 U.S. cities is representative of all non-marital births to parents in these cities as well as parents residing in U.S. cities with populations over 200,000. The baseline survey was conducted by interviewing new mothers at the hospital within 48 hours of giving birth; fathers were interviewed either at the hospital or elsewhere as soon as possible after the birth. Three follow-up interviews are to be conducted when the children are approximately 12 months, 30 months, and 48 months of age. The results of the first follow-up interview were released in 2003. 7. National Crime Victimization Resource Guide, at http://www.icpsr.umich.edu/NACJD/SDA/ncvs.html. 8. Robert E. Rector, Patrick F. Fagan, and Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D., "Marriage: Still the Safest Place for Women and Children," Heritage Foundation Backgrounder No. 1732, March 9, 2004. 9. Ibid. 10. National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, 1979-96. 11. Fagan et al., "Marriage and Welfare Reform: The Overwhelming Evidence that Marriage Education Works." 12. Ibid . 13. P. Giblin et al., "Enrichment Outcome Research: A Meta-Analysis of Premarital, Marital, and Family Interventions," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Vol. 11 (1985), pp. 257-271. 14. Mark H. Butler and Karen S. Wampler, "A Meta-Analytic Update of Research on the Couple Communication Program," American Journal of Family Therapy, Vol. 27 (1999), p. 223. 15. L. Knutson et al., "Effectiveness of the PREPARE Program with Premarital Couples," in journal review, 2002. 16. William R. Shadish et al., "Effects of Family and Marital Psychotherapies: A Meta-Analysis," Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 61 (1993), p. 922. 17. James H. Bray and Ernest N. Jouriles, "Treatment of Marital Conflict and Prevention of Divorce," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Vol. 21 (1995), p. 461. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ http://www.heritage.org/Research/Family/bg1744.cfm ? 1995 - 2004 The Heritage Foundation All Rights Reserved. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Apr 5 18:38:02 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Mon, 05 Apr 2004 18:38:02 -0400 Subject: CMP Research Executive Summary/CMP training sched/Mentors- 4/04 In-Reply-To: <68.3d378f2b.2da30cd6@cs.com> Message-ID: subject: CMP Research Executive Summary/CMP training sched/Mentors- 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY EFFECTIVENESS RESEARCH - COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY/MARRIAGE SAVERS SCHEDULE - MENTOR RESOURCES - DIRECTORY LISTINGS - COVENANT LEGISLATION EFFORTS IN IOWA ###################### - COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY EFFECTIVENESS RESEARCH The Executive Summary of the new research on Community Marriage Policies is now available on the Smart Marriages web site. Go to http://www.smartmarriages.com Click on Marriage Reports (5th item down under the puzzle piece) and then on the report: Assessing the Impact of Community Marriage Policies on U.S. County Divorce Rates Paul Birch, Stan Weed, Joseph Olsen, Executive Summary March 2004 (4th item). ######################## - COMMUNITY MARRIAGE POLICY/MARRIAGE SAVERS SCHEDULE > Diane, > > You sent the notice to the list about the Marriage Savers training last week > in Springfield, Ohio and you said Mike McManus will present a training in July > in Dallas as part of the Smart Marriages Conference. Might there be other > chances to see them? If so, how do I find that information? > > EZ You're not the only one to ask. I suspect it's the new research on the effectiveness of the Community Marriage Policies that is sparking interest. Here is their upcoming schedule. Please note that Mike and Harriet will be in Dallas twice - this month and again in July. Each time they will present the two-day training. For dates into the future, visit their web site at marriagesavers.org. - diane April 16-17: Coldwater, MI. Call Pastor Jim Erwin, 517 238-8918 April 23-24: DALLAS. Call Cosette Bowles: 214 274-4828 May 8: Bethesda: Premarital only at the McManus' home church from 8:30-4 p.m.. Call Harriet McManus 301 469-5873. May 14-15: Winston Salem, NC: Call Deane Grossclose at 336 759-8012. June 4-5: Louisville. Call Rev. Robert Jennings, 502 228-1176. July 7-8: DALLAS: Two day preconference training in how to create a Marriage Savers Church that virtually eliminates divorce, with pastors who have done it, along with a team that includes Mike & Harriet McManus, David & Claudia Arp, Joe and Michelle Williams, Richard Albertson. Mike and Harriet will also meet with pastors who are considering creating a Community Marriage Policy on April 1 in Frederick, MD, April 20 in Memphis, April 26 in San Antonio, April 27 in Westminster, MD and at the American Association of Christian Counselors in Greensboro, May 21. For details, call Peggy at 301 469-5873. ########################## - MENTOR RESOURCES > We are looking for guidance in encouraging and expanding marriage mentoring in > our church. Can you recommend video courses or other resources that may be of > assistance? > Diane Marks > MountainTop Community Church > Birmingham, AL > Hope you can attend the Smart Marriages conference - there will be numerous training institutes and workshops focused on recruiting and training mentor couples. Contact me if you'd like to discuss sending a group to the conference and we can go over what they might take. In the meantime and in case you can't make it to Dallas, see the Directory of Programs at Smart Marriages for Mentor resources. Visit http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html Then click on Mentor Programs for resources and training ideas. - diane ######################### - DIRECTORY LISTINGS: > Where can we get classes to learn how to stop a possible divorce? We live in > Houston, Texas. > Sincerely, > KA I receive dozens of requests like this one asking for classes. I refer the requests to those listed on the Directory of Programs. There are no programs listed in Houston. Wish someone from Houston area would list. - diane ##################### - COVENANT LEGISLATION EFFORTS IN IOWA Covenant marriage bill faltering http://desmoinesregister.com/news/stories/c4780934/23961596.html By LYNN OKAMOTO Register Staff Writer 04/02/2004 An attempt by Iowa lawmakers to establish "covenant marriages" in Iowa is faltering in the final weeks of the 2004 legislative session. The legislation, which would give couples the option of a type of marriage that is harder to establish and harder to break, was scheduled for House debate Wednesday and Thursday. But both days, the bill wasn't taken up. "There's still concern among a number of members here about being involved in that topic," said House Majority Leader Chuck Gipp, a Decorah Republican. Under House File 2455, couples choosing a covenant marriage would be required to undergo 12 hours of premarital counseling. Divorce could be granted only in the case of adultery, imprisonment, abandonment for one year, physical or sexual abuse, or a separation of two years. Since committee approval of the bill March 2, Republicans have watered it down in an attempt to get the bill signed by Gov. Tom Vilsack, a Democrat. "I'm concerned that he would not approve the covenant marriage bill because lawyers typically don't want anybody messing around with no-fault divorce," said Rep. Danny Carroll, a Grinnell Republican. In working to strike compromise, the bill has been through several versions. A recent plan would have required couples to get premarital counseling and decide how any children would be affected in case of a divorce. "That didn't meet with enough members' favor on both sides of the aisle for it to be brought out to the floor," said Rep. Mark Smith, a Marshalltown Democrat. "My prediction is that it is not coming up." Carroll hasn't given up entirely. The bill is a priority for him, and he plans to think about it over the weekend. "Doesn't mean it's a priority for everybody," he acknowledged. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Apr 6 16:29:37 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 16:29:37 -0400 Subject: Air/Institutes/Memphis/Divorce/Michigan - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Air/Institutes/Memphis/Divorce/Michigan - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - INSTITUTE QUESTION - AIRLINE RESERVATIONS - MEMPHIS: FIRST ANNUAL HEALTHY MARRIAGE SUMMIT - SCOTLAND: DIVORCE WAITING TIMES TO BE CUT - MICHIGAN CONTACTS? - MICHIGAN: MANDATORY MARRIAGE PREPARATION WILL HELP ############################# - INSTITUTE QUESTION > Diane, > I'm not clear. In your message to the list yesterday are you saying we have > to take certain basic intro courses before we can take the advanced courses > focused on sex, substance abuse, domestic violence, and so on? If so, which > are the basic courses and which are advanced? I don't see those designations > on the web site or in the conference brochure. > Deena Sorry if that email was confusing. There are no prerequisites for ANY of the Institutes. Many clinicians, for example, attend just to take training institutes like McCarthy's #907 "Couples Sexual Awareness", Birchler/Fals-Stewart #113 "Learning Sobriety Together" or Stosny's #902 "Self-Regulation: Love without Hurt & The Compassion Workshop". There are no requirements/qualifications - you don't have to be a clinician or mental health professional to take any of the institutes. They're all open to everyone - clinicians, clergy, marriage educators, lay educators, the public. And, you can take them in any order you like. I was simply answering a question from someone who said they started by taking the Community Marriage Policy training, went on to take basic marriage education skills program training, and now wanted to know what they should add to their repertoire for their congregation/community. - diane ######################## - AIRLINE RESERVATIONS Because the conference is the week after the July 4th holiday and during the heavy summer vacation travel time, I urge you to make your travel arrangements ASAP. I made my reservations today and I was surprised at how many flights were already booked! For special conference discounts on American and Southwest, see the web site: http://www.smartmarriages.com/hotel.travel.html Let me know if you run into any problems in booking travel or hotel so I can head things off at the pass. - diane ###################### - MEMPHIS: FIRST ANNUAL HEALTHY MARRIAGE SUMMIT April 20, 8am -12:15pm Memphis Cook Convention Center FREE! with continental breakfast included. Advance registration required. Join faith and community leaders to include: Mayor AC Wharton; Bill Coffin and Carlis Williams--Administration for Children and Families; Mike & Harriet McManus--Marriage Savers; and George Young--Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. Email familiesmattermemphis at hotmail.com to request Summit and registration information. #################### - SCOTLAND: DIVORCE WAITING TIMES TO BE CUT Apr 6 2004 WAITING times for couples who want to divorce will be slashed under a shake-up of family law in Scotland. The limit would be lowered from five years to two in contested break-ups and from two years to 12 months in uncontested cases. ###################### - MICHIGAN CONTACTS? > Diane, > Do you have marriage education or CMP contacts in the state of Michigan > that a faith-based organization could partner with to promote healthy > marriages? > > What is the best way for me to get my organization involved with the Healthy > Marriage Initiative. One of our visions is a Counseling Project for families & > marriages. > > Pamela J. Hudson, Director > Global Projects for Hope, Help & Healing > Advance Consulting, Inc. > 20110 Trinity > Detroit, MI 48219 > wrapword02 at yahoo.com > ####################### - MICHIGAN: MANDATORY MARRIAGE PREPARATION WILL HELP > Diane - > We've had a little argument running in the Grand Rapids Press. A group of > judges decided to only marry couples undergoing marriage preparation. You saw > and distributed the article: > (http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/smartmarriages.0403/msg00010.html). > The next week the Press editors came out against the program. This is really > the first and only public resistance we've had to our efforts in the last 7 > years. > > If you are interested, here's our response. > Mark Eastburg > Mandatory marriage preparation will help, not hinder, couples tying the knot > Saturday, April 03, 2004 > > I wish to applaud the Grand Rapids District Court judges for their decision to > require couples they marry to seek marriage preparation ("Court aims to help > spouses stay civil," Press, March 6). > > As the executive director of Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids, I have been > involved in implementing and reviewing the Kentwood District Court pilot > program, which the Grand Rapids judges studied before deciding to adopt a > similar marriage preparation requirement in their court. > > The Kentwood pilot program, which is now four-years-old and has served almost > 550 couples, has provided a model not only for Grand Rapids District Court, > but also for communities nationwide. > > Certain important facts and details, not mentioned in The Grand Rapids Press > article or editorial, illustrate why this policy represents a sound exercise > of judicial discretion and does not infringe on personal rights or privacy. > > Contrary to The Press' March 12 editorial ("Untying the knot: Mandatory > premarital counseling an undue intrusion into lives"), the judges of the > district court of Grand Rapids are not guilty of shirking their civic duty if > they decline to marry couples. While many public officials and clergy in > Michigan legally perform wedding ceremonies, none is required to do so. Just > as clergy may decline to perform weddings for certain personal or professional > reasons, judges may as well. In fact, many eligible public officials have made > it their personal policy not to perform weddings. > > If couples do not want marriage preparation, they have other options. There > are and always will be public officials or clergy who do not require marriage > preparation. The fact that the Grand Rapids District Court judges have asked > for marriage preparation in their court does not mean that they are trying to > "micromanage the personal relationships" of an entire community. People do > have choices. If they think marriage preparation is a bad idea for them, they > can find someone who will accommodate them. > > Marriage preparation is effective in preventing divorce and the kind of > government intrusion into the lives of citizens that concerns The Press. > Several studies show that couples who avail themselves of marriage preparation > have a better chance for marital satisfaction down the road. Anyone who has > been through a divorce can attest that when a marriage ends, government > "micromanaging" begins in earnest -- dictating when you will see your > children, how often, how much money you will pay in support, etc. > > The Press article and editorial repeatedly refer to the program offered as > counseling. This is a marriage preparation class, not a counseling session. > Participants are not required to talk or answer any personal questions if they > prefer not to. It is offered in a casual, informal setting at a community > center. > > The overwhelming majority of the almost 550 couples who have taken the > Kentwood class do not perceive it as paternalistic, another concern of The > Press. In fact, our research shows that 91 percent of participants said they > would recommend the class to a friend, and 81 percent felt better prepared for > their upcoming marriage as a result of attending the class. > > Our research, as well as a national survey commissioned by Families Northwest > in Washington, also has shown that couples seeking civil ceremonies tend to be > at higher risk for divorce than those who seek religious ceremonies. > > They are more likely to be marrying for a second or third time, more likely to > be marrying as a result of a pregnancy and more likely to have limited > financial resources. This program makes marriage preparation resources > available to those who may not otherwise have access to these services. > > In the words of one person attending the Kentwood class: "It gave me a > realization of what marriage was all about. Brief. But needed." > > Thanks to the judges of Grand Rapids District Court for carefully and > conscientiously deciding to help the couples who choose to get married by them > enter that marriage with a better chance for success and happiness. > > MARK C. EASTBURG, > Executive Director > Healthy Marriages Grand Rapids > Grand Rapids > Mark.Eastburg at PineRest.org Mark will present a workshop on this model in Dallas. I highly recommend that all CHMIs add this program for all the obvious reasons. - diane 317 - Fri, July 9, Dallas Strengthening Courthouse Weddings Mark Eastburg, PhD 25% of U.S. couples marry in civil (courthouse) ceremonies and fall through the cracks - miss out on marriage prep, and are at higher risk for divorce. This program meets their special needs. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Apr 6 16:34:02 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Tue, 06 Apr 2004 16:34:02 -0400 Subject: Community Marriage Policies Research - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Community Marriage Policies Research - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - MARRIAGE SAVERS' COUNTIES SPEED DIVORCE RATE DIP - STUDY: MARRIAGE PROGRAM HAS IMPACT ############################## - MARRIAGE SAVERS' COUNTIES SPEED DIVORCE RATE DIP THE WASHINGTON TIMES By Cheryl Wetzstein April 6, 2004 ?? ??? Divorce rates are falling faster in U.S. counties that have a program in which clergy offer premarital counseling and other marital-support services than those without the program, says a study released yesterday. A review of 114 counties with a Marriage Savers' Community Marriage Policy shows that divorce rates fell by 8.6 percent in four years and 17.5 percent in seven years. In comparable counties without a marriage policy, divorce rates fell 5.6 percent in four years and 9.4 percent in seven years. The Institute for Research and Evaluation in Salt Lake City spent two years studying 114 counties with a Community Marriage Policy, which asks local clergy of all faiths to sign statements saying they will require premarital counseling before they marry a couple and offer enrichment, mentoring and reconciliation services to married couples. These "extraordinary results" show what can happen with "a truly grass-roots effort run entirely by volunteers," said Diane Sollee, who manages the national Smart Marriages conferences and directs the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. "Imagine what could be done with funding and administrative help," she said. The Bush administration is working to direct $1.5 billion to pro-marriage initiatives, said Wade F. Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the Department of Health and Human Services. This lower divorce rate translated to about 31,000 saved marriages, said Stan Weed, president of the institute and lead author of the study, which is expected to be published soon in the peer-reviewed Family Relations journal. Divorce rates already are falling, probably because of a decade's worth of pro-marriage activism and increases in cohabiting and older-age marriages, said David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values. Still, more needs to be done to reduce divorce because the nation's high divorce rate threatens the well-being of millions of children, he said. Marriage Savers is founded and led by syndicated columnist Michael McManus and his wife, Harriet. "The crucial ingredient," he said yesterday, "are mentor couples" who are trained to help struggling couples. Meanwhile, a Gallup poll has found that although 27 percent of Americans have been divorced at some point in their lives, only 10 percent are currently divorced. This means that roughly six in 10 divorced people eventually remarry, said Frank Newport, editor in chief of the Gallup Tuesday Briefing, which polled 1,005 adults in March. "So while marriages may fail, the will to be married endures," said Lydia Saad, senior Gallup Poll editor. ???? ############################ - STUDY: MARRIAGE PROGRAM HAS IMPACT By Karen S. Peterson USA TODAY April 6, 2004 Clergy who band together to pledge publicly to preserve marriages may help lower the divorce rates in their communities, according to research presented Monday at a news conference in Washington, D.C. The intensive Community Marriage Policy involves clergy of various faiths who agree publicly to require rigorous pre-marriage education programs for the couples they marry and to provide marital support for those already wed. The new study, paid for in part by the federal government, estimates that counties with the marriage policy experienced a decline of 8.6% in divorce rates over four years, while a control group of counties without such a policy showed a decline of 5.6%. After seven years, the divorce rates fell an estimated 17.5% in areas with such policies and 9.4% in comparison counties, says the research from the non-profit Institute for Research and Evaluation. ''Though we can't explain everything with the data we got, something is happening in these communities that seems to be affecting the divorce rate,'' says Stan Weed, president of the institute. ''It seems reasonable to attribute the decline to those policies.'' The complex study included 114 communities in 122 counties, plus a control group of equal size. The marriage-policy communities signed up between 1986 and 2000; most were followed for seven years. University of Texas researcher Norval Glenn has reviewed the research and calls it ''sound.'' The marriage policy is the brainchild of Mike McManus, president of the non-profit Marriage Savers. He and Weed presented the study, joined by experts that included Wade Horn, assistant secretary of Health and Human Services for children and families. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Apr 7 16:19:02 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 16:19:02 -0400 Subject: For better or worse, but not for elder care? -4/04 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: For better or worse, but not for elder care? -4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - A PAINFUL SOURCE OF MARITAL STRIFE: WHEN AN ELDERLY PARENT MOVE IN This will be a growing challenge facing marriages as the population rapidly ages. So many of us in the Coalition are already facing these issues, and for the rest of us it's just around the corner - or should I say, over the hill. Check out these workshops at the Dallas conference: > 404 - Sat July 10 > Caring for Marriage while Caring for Aging Parents > Terry Hargrave, PhD, Sharron Hargrave, > Through movie clips and life stories, learn how to outwit the pitfalls that > can drive a wedge between couples and how, instead, to turn caretaking > challenges into opportunities for love & growth. > 215 - Fri July 9 > 10 Great Dates & Second Half of Marriage > Claudia & David Arp, MSW > Teach two proven programs in your church and community. 10 Great Dates will > bring couples of all ages in the door and Second Half of Marriage will help > empty nesters reinvent their relationship! > 812 > Loving Your Relatives: When You Don?t See Eye-to-Eye > David & Claudia Arp, MSW > Most extended families have at least one strained relationship. Learn how to > have realistic expectations, set boundaries and be civil, calm and clear even > when you disagree. WORK & FAMILY By SUE SHELLENBARGER A Painful Source of Marital Strife: When an Elderly Parent Moves In Wall St. Journal April 1, 2004; Page D1 When Jennifer Barker decided to take her 75-year-old mother into the Cleveland bungalow she shared with herfianc?, he reluctantly agreed. Three years later, after her mother had a series of strokes, falls and accidents, the couple was on the verge of splitting up, Ms. Barker says. Unable to leave her mother alone at home, she and her partner, who was by then her husband, "couldn't even go out to dinner any more," Ms. Barker says. Angry that they had so little time together, her husband felt "he didn't have a life." In an era when extended families are supposed to be getting weaker, more families are moving their aged relatives into their homes to care for them. A study set for release next week shows that 24% of the nation's caregivers to an elderly or disabled relative lived with the person they were caring for in 2003, up from 21% in 1997, says Gail Gibson Hunt, president of the National Alliance for Caregiving, Bethesda, Md. The data are from the first comprehensive national caregiver study since 1997, conducted by the alliance and the AARP, based in Washington, D.C. Soaring costs for long-term care are driving the trend. The average nursing-home bill for a semiprivate room rose 11% last year from 2002 to $158.26 a day, or $57,765 a year, says a nationwide survey by MetLife's Mature Market Institute. The cost of assisted-living facilities rose 10% to an average $2,379 a month, or $28,548 a year. The potential rewards of taking in an aged parent are profound. Beyond simply providing service to one's family, caregivers may deepen old bonds and see new ones form. Michelle Baker, of Bethesda, says her four-year-old daughter, Lauren, grew close to Ms. Baker's ailing mother when she lived with the family. Her mother, who has cardiac disease and dementia and has had several strokes, slept in a separate bed in her granddaughter's room, "surrounded by Barbies, dress-up outfits and dolls," Ms. Baker says. The two told bedtime stories, and Lauren did her grandmother's hair. But all the usual challenges of elder care -- job-family conflict, burnout and a resurfacing of old family tensions -- are multiplied several times over. A few new ones are added, including disruption of family life and loss of sleep. To keep your family whole and healthy, it's crucial to anticipate such problems and address them quickly when they surface. Studies show a link between living with an aged relative to provide care, and losing or quitting your job or cutting back your hours. Ms. Barker in Cleveland missed so much work on her former job as a medical-billing assistant that her boss fired her, she says. "He said, 'It's either me or her,' "referring to her mother; Ms. Barker chose her mother. Strapped by the loss of income, she and her husband used up all their savings. It's important to anticipate your need for flexibility, and arrange it with your employer in advance, or find a new job that offers it. Exhaustion is rife among co-resident caregivers. Harold Harris and his wife were continually awakened to help his mother, 95, go to the bathroom at night. Desperate for sleep, the Lanham, Md., couple placed her in a nursing home for a week's respite. He's considering hiring a home-care aide a few nights a week. Families like the Harrises are one reason the nonmedical home-care industry is booming. Industry revenues have surged to about $11 billion a year from $8 billion in 1998, estimates Paul Hogan, president of Home Instead Senior Care in Omaha, Neb. Another big provider of home care, Visiting Angels Living Assistance Services, Havertown, Pa., added 70 franchises last year, bringing its total to 200. The cost of a home health aide ranges from about $12 to $22 an hour for help with activities of daily living such as dressing and eating. While that adds up, most families use aides only part-time, making it a cheaper option than a nursing home. In another challenge, the presence of a frail, needy relative in the home can disrupt family relationships. "Children are having to share Mommy or Daddy with this other person," says Donna Schempp of the Family Caregiver Alliance, a nonprofit in San Francisco. Ms. Baker in Bethesda says her mother and young daughter got along well, but there was squabbling with Ms. Baker's three-year-old son; he couldn't understand why Grandma, who has dementia, handed him a pot when he asked for a cup. He also started crawling into bed with Ms. Baker and her husband at night, a habit she's trying to break. " 'His world is in chaos with your mom there,' " she says her pediatrician told her. Ms. Baker, who also works from her home as a communications consultant, hired a geriatric-care manager, a private elder-care adviser and caseworker, to help solve the problem. The manager helped find an assisted-living facility for her mother and aided her in the transition. Marriages, of course, can suffer too. Ms. Barker in Cleveland says that though her husband understood her mother's problems and wanted to be supportive, he felt overwhelmed by her needs. They found themselves fighting over small matters. Intimacy, social life, time alone together -- all dried up. " 'I didn't sign on for this,'" Ms. Barker says he told her. "Well, neither did I," she replied. Afraid for her marriage, Ms. Barker finally placed her mother in a nursing home. While that meant breaking a promise made to her mother long ago, she felt she had no choice. Today, her mother is flourishing in a nursing home and enjoying an improved social life, Ms. Barker went back to work as a medical auditor, and her marriage is recovering. ``````````````````````````````` GETTING HELP Some Web sites that can help locate services or provide support for caregivers to aged relatives For advice and referrals Your area aging agency: www.eldercare.gov1 Geriatric care managers: www.caremanager.org2 For a break Home-health agencies: www.nahc.org3 Adult day-care programs: www.nadsa.org4 or see Yellow Pages Nursing homes for occasional respite care: www.medicare.gov5 (click on "Nursing Home Compare") For resources and articles www.nfcacares.org6 www.caregiver.org7 www.caregiving.org8 ```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` Copyright 2004 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 8 08:43:00 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 08 Apr 2004 08:43:00 -0400 Subject: Markman & Stanley/Happily Ever After - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Markman & Stanley/Happily Ever After - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - "IN PERSON" - HAPPILY EVER AFTER? COMMITTED COUPLES NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT ######################## - "IN PERSON" The article below features Howard Markman and Scott Stanley who will again, live and in person, present their PREP 3-day Institute Training at the Smart Marriages conference. I point that out because it's such a wonderful opportunity to spend three days with the masters - the top researchers in the field and to be trained to teach the course by the creators of the program. It's not often we get to study with the founders of a program and also hear the very latest on research and their thinking. I'm prompted to point this out because of a caller yesterday who said she'd seen the conference ad several times in NASW but always assumed the long list of presenters meant "the conference was based on the theories of these people - it couldn't possibly mean they'd really BE THERE IN PERSON. Could it?" I said, YES, we've got the founders of the programs themselves "in person" teaching the programs they created - Olson, Gordon, Miller, Hendrix - the list is long. And, what's more, the experts are not only there but they make themselves very available to attendees. They attend sessions, luncheons, roundtables and hang around at the exhibits. They mix. Not only will Markman and Stanley present the institute, they'll also present a keynote and several workshop sessions during the conference on topics like research, myths in the field, teaching PREP in the Army, in prison, in Oklahoma - lots of chances to interact. And, for the first time, they'll include the teaching of Christian PREP in the three day PREP training Institute. - diane > 101 Three Days - July 6, 7 & 8, Dallas Smart Marriages > The PREP/Christian PREP Approach > Howard Markman, PhD, Scott Stanley, PhD, Natalie Jenkins > Videos, role play, and research shed light on both marital failure and > success. Qualifies you to present the PREP or Christian PREP program to help > couples communicate, manage conflict, and nurture fun, friendship and intimacy > in marriage. For more information on the programs, materials or to register: http://www.smartmarriages.com/prepinstitute.html - HAPPILY EVER AFTER? COMMITTED COUPLES NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT Jenny Deam Denver Post Apr. 8, 2004 12:00 AM Most couples who walk down the aisle feel sure, maybe even a little smug, that their marriage will be the one that succeeds in the one-in-two divorce rate. Will it? Can it? Most experts agree that the two most important elements to finding happily-ever-after are communication and commitment. "Everyone wants a lifetime marriage, but they know in the back of their minds they can get out. That changes your behavior," says Andrew Cherlin, professor of public policy at the Johns Hopkins University sociology department who specializes in marital studies. Scott Stanley, an adjunct professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies there, agrees. Too often people second-guess their choice of a spouse long after the cake has been cut. In previous generations such thinking wasn't even a consideration. "It was, 'I'm not making a choice, I already made that. I'm now making the best of the choice I made,' " Stanley says. Of course, some marriages are disastrous, especially in abusive relationships. No one says all marriages can or should last. Still, Stanley says couples today move too quickly from frustration to disillusionment to an escape clause. Conflict in a marriage is inevitable, but how spouses handle it often means the difference between success and failure. When couples fight, it is a good bet that one of the "Big Three" is at its root: sex, kids, money. Divorce planners, certified divorce financial analysts who work with spouses who split, offer advice for couples that could keep them from breaking up. ??Talk about money issues early and often. It's not the most romantic discussion couples will have, but being on the same page about financial goals could ease tension in a marriage. Find out who is the spender and who is the saver. Decide how the family should invest. ??Both parties should be educated about the family's finances. Don't let one spouse handle all the money alone. Knowing how the money is spent and where it's socked away can promote security in a marriage. Ray Bade, a Lakewood, Colo., husband and father of five, says the real problem is usually a failure to communicate on those issues rather than the issues themselves. One person might not express needs or feelings. Another might not listen. Bade says that causes trouble in his own home. Bade and his wife, Tania, help lead weekend retreats, sponsored by Worldwide Marriage Encounters, for couples hoping to enrich their marriages. He says the triggers for conflict have not changed much in the past generation or two, but the packed schedules of today's couples add new tensions. Technology, meant to simplify lives, can separate couples as they tune each other out in an effort to relax. "The worst enemies in a relationship are the two people in it," says Howard Markman, also a co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and a professor in the psychology department. "We destroy our own love." The biggest culprit is lack of communication. Everyone hears that, but what do you do about it? Expressing your wants and needs and, more important, listening to your partner, are learned skills. "You have to stay attached (through communication) through all the crud that goes on in life," says Gregg Gorman, a Centennial, Colo., psychotherapist who specializes in relationship building and rescue. "Most affairs are because people have detached," he says, not because of sex. Despite the hand-wringing that often comes over the state of matrimony, Markman, who co-authored with Stanley 12 Hours to a Great Marriage: A Step-By-Step Guide for Making Love Last, remains optimistic. "For most people," he says, "it is possible to have a happy marriage." ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Apr 14 13:00:55 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 13:00:55 -0400 Subject: Dallas/Ft Worth Marriage Savers training next week - 4/04 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: Dallas/Ft Worth Marriage Savers training next week - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - DALLAS/FT WORTH: MARRIAGE SAVERS OPPORTUNITY RIGHT ON YOUR DOORSTEP - AND SUBSIDIZED! IT COULDN'T GET EASIER! I'm sharing excerpts from an announcement on the Dallas/Ft Worth Community Marriage Policy/Marriage Saver Training next weekend in Dallas. Please forward this to anyone you know in the Dallas/Ft Worth area that could avail themselves of this subsidized training. This training will never be more affordable than this! The effort will culminate with the signing of a Dallas/Ft Worth Community Marriage Policy at the opening of the Smart Marriages conference on July 8. - diane > For 30 years there has been one divorce for every two marriages in America. > Last week, the Washington Times and USA Today heralded results of new > research that testifies to the effectiveness of Community Marriage Policies > in significantly lowering divorce rates. Communities and congregations > across America are becoming part of this success story including two Texas > cities, Austin and El Paso. Now is the time for Dallas/Ft Worth to join the > win column by creating an active Community Marriage Policy to strengthen > marriages and families in our congregations. And, it couldn't be any easier! > > In less than two weeks, Mike and Harriet McManus, pioneers of the national > Community Marriage Policy movement, will be right here in Dallas to train > mentor couples! And, the FAR Foundation is underwriting the costs! > > Save the dates: Friday night, April 23 and Saturday, April 24. The Parkway > Hills Baptist Church is the place and the cost to you is only $100 for every > TWO couples (the fee covers complete Marriage Saver materials)!! > > All congregation leaders (lay and staff) of all denominations are encouraged > to register for this Biblically-based training. We ask each congregation to > send 4-10 couples to be trained in 5 areas: pre-marital, enrichment, crisis, > stepfamilies, and reconciliation. These couples will have experienced the > highs and lows of marriage and may have even once considered divorce > themselves - and are all the stronger and more effective as mentors for their > experience. They will serve as a core group who can help you as you minister > to the unique needs of your church body. > > Registration couldn't get easier. Simply go online to www.FARfoundation.org > and click on Marriage Savers. Submit the number of couples you want to > attend from your congregation the then put your check in the mail as you > select your team of couples. > > You will find that a day-and-a-half of training will make a life-time of > difference to the families of your congregation. A life-changing program at > a minimal cost at a convenient location. It doesn't get any better than > this! > > If you have questions, contact Cozette Bowles at: Cozieb at aol.com or 214- > 274-4828 or 214-369-5717. ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Apr 14 17:30:23 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Wed, 14 Apr 2004 17:30:23 -0400 Subject: Media: 20/20/NPR/Infidelity/Compatability Study/Reality TV - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Media: 20/20/NPR/Infidelity/Compatability Study/Reality TV - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - TERRY REAL ON 20/20 FRI APRIL 16, 10PM EST - A CHANCE TO CONTRIBUTE: MONEY ISSUES - AND ANOTHER: MAJOR TV NEWS MAGAZINE ON INFIDELITY - NEW RELATIONSHIP COMPETENCIES TEST: SEEKING COLLABORATOR - REALITY TV: SPERM RACE (???!) ################################ - TERRY REAL ON 20/20 FRI APRIL 16, 10PM EST Terry Real who will present a special invited session at the Dallas Smart Marriages Conference, will be featured on 20/20 this Friday working with an on-the-brink couple using his Relational Recovery Model 10 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Set your VCRs. > 501 - Saturday, July 11, Dallas > How Can I Get Through To You? Reconnecting Men and Women > Terry Real, MSW > Women often want more from men than most have been trained to deliver, setting > women up to nag and men to resist. Use this asymmetry to teach women loving > empowerment, and men to open up and connect. ################################# - A CHANCE TO CONTRIBUTE: MONEY ISSUES Here's another chance to tell the story of how communication skills help you in your marriage. - diane > I am producing a piece for public radio about how people make ends meet these > days. I am interested in interviewing a family of four or more who would be > willing to talk about how they make money decisions. > > Ideally, this family would be facing some of the run-of-the-mill money > problems that we all face these days -- kids are going to be in college soon > so tuition is breathing down your neck, maintenance on the cars is more than > you'd like it to be, maybe your recent assessment has jacked up your > property taxes again, and it just doesn't seem like "all" that money you're > earning is still around after the bills are paid. > > If you would be willing to take part in this piece, I would appreciate very > much hearing from you. If not, if you can forward this to someone who > might, I would appreciate that too. > Richard Paul > rlpaulproductions, LLC > http://www.rlpaulproductions.com > Washington, DC 20016 > (202) 364-0860 - main > (202) 352-7259 - cell > Documentary productions/Fundraiser production ############################## - AND ANOTHER: MAJOR TV NEWS MAGAZINE ON INFIDELITY > A national television news magazine is currently profiling a couple that is in > the midst of an affair. The man is single, the woman is married and doesn't > necessarily want to end her marriage. She's struggling with feelings of guilt > and shame -- while at the same time feeling elated by the passion and > emotional intimacy she is suddenly enjoying with this man. Both participants > think they can control their emotions and avoid any damage this extra-marital > affair could cause to other parts of their lives. Are they naive? > > We are looking for a married couple who has dealt with the devastating > consequences of having infidelity that could give our profiled couple a > reality check. If interested in participating in an on-camera > dialogue/interview, please respond to jim.dubreuil at abc.com before April 23rd. ######################### - NEW RELATIONSHIP COMPETENCIES TEST: SEEKING COLLABORATOR FOR VALIDATION STUDY A graduate student and I have recently completed development of a comprehensive, evidence-based relationship competencies test - more than a year of development effort so far, which we hope will be helpful to the marriage-promotion communities. After reviewing dozens of studies, we concluded that there are seven different competencies (which roughly means "skill-sets") that are helpful in long-term romantic relationshps - the top two being the obvious ones: communication and conflict resolution. Here, sans details, are all seven areas: 1) Communication 2) Conflict resolution 3) Self management 4) Stress management 5) Knowledge of partner 6) Sex & romance 7) Life skills We have developed a lean 70-item Likert-type test that can be taken in 10 minutes and that yields a total score and competency scale scores in a detailed report format. The test also includes internal checks for reliability/honesty. In a small validation study (n=20), the test appeared to be a good predictor of success in past and current relationships. I'm looking for one or more collaborators who (a) are in a good position to carry out a large-scale validation study (retrospective or prospective) or (b) who might have immediate applications for the test. Robert Epstein, Ph.D. West Coast Editor, Psychology Today Visiting Scholar, University of California San Diego Director Emeritus, Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies repstein at post.harvard.edu ######################## - REALITY TV: SPERM RACE (???!) > BBC > April 9, 2004 > BBC to screen first TV sperm race > > Presenters Zeron Gibson (left) and Dr Mike Leahy will take part > > Digital TV channel BBC Three is to broadcast what it says is the first > televised sperm race later this month. > > The race, to be shown as part of the educational Lab Rats series, will pit the > sperm of presenters Dr Mike Leahy and Zeron Gibson against each other. > > It will be filmed inside two tiny glass tubes by a microscope and relayed to a > crowd watching a pub's big screen. > > BBC Three controller Stuart Murphy said it was being done for an audience that > usually "balks at educational shows". > > > The race will take place inside two tiny glass capillary tubes > > It was a "creative risk" but Lab Rats tackled "difficult but important > subjects", he added. > > Dr Leahy, a scientist, and Gibson, a comedian, say they will adopt different > "training routines" to find out how different lifestyle choices affect > reproductive abilities. > > They will then have their sperm measured and tested by fertility expert Allan > Pacey from the University of Sheffield, who will predict which man is likely > to win. > > The programme will be shown on 15 April at 2330 BST and is one of a four-part > Lab Rats series. > > In other shows, Dr Leahy will go 60 hours without sleep to show the effects of > sleep deprivation and the pair will ride a centrifugal machine to nine times > the force of gravity. ###################### ************************** Copyright ? 2003 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content send an email and request permission. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas July 8 - 11, 2004 Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 15 10:09:33 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 10:09:33 -0400 Subject: Two Op-Eds supporting the Marriage Initiative - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Two Op-Eds supporting the Marriage Initiative - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? - DEMS SHOULD SUPPORT MARRIAGE INITIATIVE - MARRIAGE, SOCIETY ############################ Two Op-Eds for use on either side of the aisle. - diane - DEMS SHOULD SUPPORT MARRIAGE INITIATIVE GUEST COLUMN | TOM SYLVESTER Yale Daily News April 14, 2004 Dems should support marriage initiative ? Recently in these pages, the president of the Yale College Republicans argued that, contrary to conventional wisdom, conservatives should endorse gay marriage. As a supporter of same-sex marriage, I think he's right. But as a Democrat, I'd like to present a companion counterintuitive argument: progressives should do more to promote and strengthen marriage. In other words, liberals shouldn't limit their support for marriage to that of the same-sex type. Currently, one-third of all babies are born to unmarried parents. Despite a slight decline in divorce rates, half of marriages are still projected to end in divorce. The result is that 28 million American children -- 40 percent -- live in homes absent their father or mother. The average child today can expect to spend a significant part of her childhood living apart from one of her parents. These statistics are troubling given what scholars know about the relationship between family structure and child well-being. Far from being "just a piece of paper," marriage is the most pro-child social institution we have. Years of research reveal that children tend to do best when they grow up with their biological, married parents (provided the marriage isn't marred by high levels of conflict). Compared to kids in intact, two-parent homes, children from single-parent or stepparent homes are more likely to drop out of school, use drugs, commit crimes and suffer from emotional or behavioral problems. The differences persist after controlling for income, race and other socioeconomic variables. Moreover, such studies can't fully capture the suffering or longing children experience when Dad moves out after an unnecessary divorce -- or when Dad was never around much in the first place. Children deserve to grow up with the day-in, day-out presence and love of both parents. So why don't more progressives speak out on the importance of marriage? First, there's the fear of being perceived as anti-feminist. However, this criticism seems outdated. Promoting marriage does not mean promoting patriarchy, nor does it mean turning a blind eye to domestic violence. Besides, research also suggests that marriage tends to benefit women. Married women tend to be happier, healthier and wealthier than unmarried or cohabiting women. Married mothers are also less likely to suffer from depression or domestic violence. Feminists typically want fathers to take a more equal parenting role, but that won't happen without marriage. There's also the concern about stigmatizing single parents, many of whom struggle heroically to raise their children. But pro-marriage advocates need not -- and don't -- denigrate divorced or unmarried parents and their children. It's a complex world and individual situations differ. Liberals know this and can bring compassion and understanding to discussions about family structure. What liberals shouldn't let happen is allow "tolerance" to slip into indifference when the well-being of children is at stake. Besides, few single parents want their own daughters and sons to grow up to become unwed mothers or absent fathers. Perhaps the most salient factor behind progressives' reluctance to talk about marriage is the fear of sounding, well, "conservative." After all, no liberal wants to be caught agreeing with the Religious Right (God forbid!). But over the last decade, liberal scholars, journalists, policy wonks and politicians have started to speak out on the problems of unwed childbearing and father absence. In a 2002 paper titled, "Progressive Family Policy in the 21st Century," two leading Democratic policy experts, Will Marshall of the Progressive Policy Institute and Isabel Sawhill of the Brookings Institution, sketched out a policy vision grounded in four key principles. Principle number one: "[P]ublic policy should encourage and reinforce married, two-parent families because they are best for children." Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-DC), LAW '64, described the issue well: "The disappearance of marriage in large sections of our communit[ies], poor and middle class, means that elected officials are mopping up while the faucet is still on. We cannot leave this right-wing critique with us on the defensive, acting as if it's really all right. We've got to talk about marriage again. We've got to make it fashionable." Progressives are also better positioned to enact public policies that could increase rates of marriage and marital stability. Some conservatives have a tendency to minimize the economic and structural factors behind fatherlessness and rely too heavily on facile "family values" rhetoric. For example, poverty contributes to unwed childbearing. In low-income communities, there is a dire shortage of "marriageable" men. Men and women with education and stable, living-wage jobs make more attractive marriage partners. Democrats are more likely to expand and create programs to help address those root causes. Nevertheless, even Democrats should support the Bush Administration's Healthy Marriage Initiative. Though it's been mischaracterized as a sop to the conservative base, the proposal is essentially another liberal anti-poverty program. The initiative's goal is "to help couples, who choose marriage for themselves, develop the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain healthy marriages." This translates into using a small portion of welfare dollars to provide increased marriage-related social services, such as conflict management and relationship-skills education, to low-income couples. It subtracts no funding from other anti-poverty activities. All participation is voluntary. As with any new policy initiative, nobody knows if it'll work, but it's worth trying. But wait, shouldn't liberals fight for more money for income supports, child care, education and job training? Yes, yes, yes -- of course. Public policy should do more to help poor parents and children in all types of households. But it's not an either/or situation. No concerned parties can ignore the connections between single parenting, poverty, and child outcomes. Public policy, within appropriate limits, should also try to ensure that more children will grow up in stable two-parent homes. Supporting marriage is a vital part of any comprehensive, long-term anti-poverty strategy. Tom Sylvester is a first year student at Yale Law School. ############################## - MARRIAGE, SOCIETY The Washington Times April 15, 2004 EDITORIALS/OP-ED By Matt Daniels Have you heard anyone say: "Marriage is not the business of government"? This sounds great until one considers that the disintegration of the family ? built upon marriage ? is the driving engine behind many of our most serious social problems. ????No one would argue that crime and child poverty in America are not the business of government. And no one wants to see the government turn a blind eye to the social trends that are doing the most damage to American children. ????Therein lies the problem with the fantasy that the health of the legal and social institution of marriage is an exclusively private matter. ????The reality is that our government is permanently in the business of dealing with the social fallout from marital and family decline, whether we acknowledge the fact or not. This is because decades of social-science studies have proven that most of our nation's most daunting social problems are driven more by family breakdown than any other social variable ? including race and economics. ????So, the time has come to recognize that marriage is a public social good. The health of American families ? built upon marriage ? affects us all. And this is why the president's plan to use a modest portion of welfare funding to invest in building stronger marriages in America is good social policy. ????At present, while the federal government spends large sums of money to treat the social fallout of family decline ? crime, poverty, drug abuse, school dropouts and so on ? we invest almost nothing in marriage-strengthening programs designed to prevent such problems in the first place. ????President Bush wants to change all of that. His Healthy Marriages Initiative would provide at least $1.5 billion in government funds over five years to increase the number of stable marriages in low-income communities. These monies would seek to do three critical things. ????First, this innovative proposal would offer people accurate information about the value of marriage in the lives of men, women and children. Among other things, this research-based information would show that, far from being a "trap," stable marriages typically help men, women and their children enjoy longer life, better health and greater happiness. ????Second, the initiative would teach couples some marriage skills that have been shown to help build stronger relationships, especially in areas such as family budgeting and communications skills. It also looks for ways to overcome conflicts that can leave families stronger rather than weaker. ????Howard Markman of the University of Denver says that numerous studies show that couples can learn such relationship skills. And he reports that a recent study found that clergy in Denver did a better job of teaching about marriage than trained staff in secular programs. ????Thus, it is fitting that the Healthy Marriages Initiative would allow religious institutions that serve needy populations to apply for federal grants designed to strengthen marriage in low-income communities. ????Finally, this proposal would fund innovative research and demonstration projects that are designed to increase the number of stable marriages in low-income communities. Among other things, these experimental programs would seek to reduce the financial penalties against marriage that are currently contained in many federal welfare programs. ????Importantly, participation in the initiative would be voluntary, and the program primarily would be targeted to young couples who are open to or contemplating marriage ? as well as at-risk married couples who would like to avoid divorce but need help building a strong marriage. ????Indeed, the underlying premise of this modest program is that helping people make better life decisions and develop stronger relationship skills will not only lead to greater adult happiness and improved child well-being, but will also result in less child poverty and welfare dependence. Thus, not only will couples and their children benefit from the Healthy Marriages Initiative, but America's taxpayers will as well. ????No man is an island. The same is true for women and children. We all rise or fall collectively with the health of our social infrastructure ? built upon the foundation of the family. This is why healthy marriages are ? in a sense ? everyone's business. ???? ???? Matt Daniels is a lawyer and founder and president of the Alliance for Marriage. ???? ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address, use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Click Newsletter - right under the puzzle piece. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. PLEASE include your email address in with your signature. To read ALL past posts to the newsletter, visit the Archive at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/ 8th Annual Smart Marriages Conference, Adam's Mark Dallas, TX July 8 - 11, 2004. Pre and Post Conference Training Institutes July 6 - 14, 2004 Subscribe to the free e-newslist at www.smartmarriages.com List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Order conference audio and video tapes at 800-241-7785 or at playbacknow.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. For more information go to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Apr 15 10:26:23 2004 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smart Marriages =?ISO-8859-1?B?rg==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Apr 2004 10:26:23 -0400 Subject: Heads UP!! GRANT announced for National Marriage Resource Center - 4/04 Message-ID: subject: Heads UP!! GRANT announced for Nat Marriage Resource Center - 4/04 from: Smart Marriages? ACF posted a grant announcement in today's Federal Register for a National Marriage Resource Center. The grant applications are due in 60 days. The application spells out exactly what must be included - read carefully and follow instructions to the letter. ACF plans to award $900,000 for the Resource Center for the first year and $4,500,000 over a 5 year period. To access the full 11-page application go to: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/grants/open/HHS-2004-ACF-OFA-FM-0001.html He