High Schools/Sex Starved/Love & Longevity/AARP Single Scene-9/03

[Smartmarriages ®]

subject: High Schools/Sex Starved/Love & Longevity/AARP Single Scene-9/03

from: Smart Marriages®

- CONFERENCE PRESENTERS - CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS
- TEACHING MARRIAGE ED IN HIGH SCHOOLS/ABC NEWS
- SEX STARVED MARRIAGES WON TIME FRAME ON FRIDAY NIGHT
- RESEARCH SURVEY: LOVE AND LONGEVITY
- AARP:  SINGLES SCENE OVER 50

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- CONFERENCE PRESENTERS - CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

This is a heads up!  Several of you have emailed to ask WHEN the call for
applications for the Smart Marriages conference will go out.  The call WENT
OUT last month.  Applications are due Oct 15.  The application is posted at
smartmarriages.com, Click conference and then application.

For an EXHIBIT or VOLUNTEER application email to request one.

The Adam's Mark HOTEL is accepting reservations.  Information is on the web
site.  Click Conference and then Hotel.  - diane
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- TEACHING MARRIAGE ED IN HIGH SCHOOLS/ABC NEWS
Wade Horn was featured on ABC News on Sunday night on a show about teaching
marriage education in high schools.  I helped put the piece together but
didn't know it was going to air Sunday, so didn't alert you. - diane

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- SEX STARVED MARRIAGES WON TIME FRAME ON FRIDAY NIGHT

Hope you saw Michele Weiner-Davis on 20/20 Friday night on sex starved
marriages.  The show was a huge hit - the show and web site were bombarded
with questions and Michele's book went to the top of the list on amazon.com.
If you missed it, you can read the script, view videos from the show and
read Michele's answers to viewer questions at:

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/2020/Living/2020_sexlessmarriageQA030929.html

Order "Sex Starved Marriage" on amazon for only $16.80
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743227328/smartmarriages
Or, order Michele's best-selling tapes from the Reno Smart Marriages
conference.  She tackled Sex Starved Starved Marriage in her keynote  -
available on video or audio at 800-241-7785 - makes a great teaching tape in
the classroom, seminar - or at home.  ;)  Tape #753-P8 - Guerilla Divorce
Busting.  - diane 

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- RESEARCH SURVEY: LOVE AND LONGEVITY

Researchers at Columbia University are exploring ways in which our closest
relationships influence our health and well-being. Visit
www.tc.columbia.edu/research/longevity to participate in an anonymous
questionnaire by answering a set of core questions about relationships,
health, feelings, activities, beliefs, and background.

In return for participation, select one of several charities listed at the
end of the questionnaire.  You also can participate in a $50 lottery  to be
distributed to one out of every 1000 participants.  Contact Principal
Investigator, Dr.Roni Beth Tower, 212-678-8143 or
Tower at exchange.tc.columbia.edu with questions concerning the study.
Dept. of Counseling and Clinical Psychology
Teachers College
Columbia University

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- AARP:  SINGLES SCENE OVER 50

And, speaking of longevity and love......

AARP.org 
September 29, 2003
Seeking Love 
Sarah Mahoney
November-December 2003

> There are more players than ever before: Higher divorce rates, longer life
> spans, and a greater tendency to never marry are churning out more single
> Americans than at any other time in the country's history. Of the 97 million
> Americans who are 45 or older, almost 40 percent‹36.2 million‹are on the
> loose, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
> 
> Single Americans over 55 are the group least likely to believe their romantic
> lives are controlled by destiny, she says, or that they have only one soul
> mate. . . . surveys show that single people in their 50s are among the least "
> likely to expect a long-term commitment.
> 
> Thirty-six percent of those in their 50s admitted they hadn't been kissed or
> hugged even once in the last six months.  There's a one-word explanation for
> such abundant aloneness: divorce. . . . .About 15.4 percent of all Americans
> in their 50s are divorced, while 6.2 percent have never been married. Only 4.4
> percent are widowed. . . . What's more, research shows that those who have
> fled unhappy marriages may be less likely to remarry later in life. Many
> paddle around the dating pool indefinitely, very much aware that second
> marriages are statistically more likely to fail than first marriages.

This is no doubt one reason that the number of older singles who shack up
without marrying has skyrocketed.


About three years after my marriage ended, friends started nudging me. "It's
time," they said. "You need to get back out there." Dating sounded about as
appealing as being air-dropped naked into Antarctica. And once I began,
that's pretty much how it felt. The dating game was hard enough when I was
in my 20s‹now I not only had a demanding career, a mortgage, and stretch
marks, I also had two young critics. ("You're wearing that?" my daughter
commented as I left the house for one of my first outings. "He seems nice,"
my son said after meeting my date. "What is he‹about 100?")
But being the lone single at dinner parties of my friends was getting to be
tedious. 

So I took the leap. I placed a personal ad in an outdoorsy magazine, started
with a few coffee dates, and attempted to rebuild my faith in the whole
tortured process. Before long, one thing became clear: I realized that if I
were patient, sooner or later I would get that chance at second love.

I also learned that the grown-up dating game has never been so interesting.
There are more players than ever before: Higher divorce rates, longer life
spans, and a greater tendency to never marry are churning out more single
Americans than at any other time in the country's history. Of the 97 million
Americans who are 45 or older, almost 40 percent‹36.2 million‹are on the
loose, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

We have more creative ways of finding each other, too. While the go-get-'em
spirit of baby boomers had already created a bumper crop of dating services,
personal-ad vehicles, and Club Med-inspired singles vacations by the
mid-1980s, the more recent Internet explosion has made looking for love as
routine as shopping for cheap airfares.

Being single later in life is becoming the norm. "The stigma of looking for
someone is vanishing," says Susan Fox, founder of Personals Work, a
Boston-based service that helps people create effective personal ads. "You
get over your embarrassment when you look around and see how common it is."
People today are often as open about their adventures in dating as they are
about buying books on Amazon.com. CEOs seem to have no qualms about posting
a picture of themselves in Bermuda shorts in an Internet personal
ad‹shareholders be damned. The New York Times regularly details dating
success stories in its wedding announcements.

Not only are we bolder, there's plenty of evidence that we're better at
dating than younger people. "The one thing that our research continually
shows is that the older a person gets, the more he or she becomes a
practical dater, as opposed to being emotionally driven," says Trish
McDermott, vice president of romance (now there's a title!) for Match.com.
Single Americans over 55 are the group least likely to believe their
romantic lives are controlled by destiny, she says, or that they have only
one soul mate. Some are also optimistic; more than one in five believe they
will find romance this year.

And many will. One reason for this is that we bring realistic expectations
to dating. (For example, surveys show that single people in their 50s are
among the least likely to expect a long-term commitment.) We're also more
flexible and open-minded about finding someone.

"Younger people‹especially those in their 20s and 30s‹tend to be very
idealistic in their search for a mate, and are so swept up in their careers
that it's harder for them to make the time it takes to get to know someone,"
says Anne Lambert, a coordinator at Science Connection, a dating service for
people with backgrounds and interests in science and nature.

In contrast, singles in their 50s have greater wisdom and grace in dealing
with people, which helps in dating.

Statistics may show that we're successful when we hunt, but too many 50-plus
people have given up and resigned themselves to watching Letterman alone.
For instance, our new singles survey of 3,501 Americans ages 40 through 69
found that 43 percent didn't have one first date last year. We'd like to
think that many of them already have a steady partner, but that's not the
case: Thirty-six percent of those in their 50s admitted they hadn't been
kissed or hugged even once in the last six months.

There's a one-word explanation for such abundant aloneness: divorce. As
recently as 25 years ago, when someone over 50 was on the prowl, most people
assumed that the person was widowed. But that's changed radically; today, a
solo person in his or her 50s is far more likely to be divorced than
widowed. About 15.4 percent of all Americans in their 50s are divorced,
while 6.2 percent have never been married. Only 4.4 percent are widowed.
To a married person, such statistics sound like hairsplitting. But anyone
who has ever endured the agony of Bitter-Ex Syndrome on a first date knows
the effect divorce can have on finding a new relationship. What's more,
research shows that those who have fled unhappy marriages may be less likely
to remarry later in life. Many paddle around the dating pool indefinitely,
very much aware that second marriages are statistically more likely to fail
than first marriages.

This is no doubt one reason that the number of older singles who shack up
without marrying has skyrocketed. Recent data from the U.S. Census found
that among households headed by a person who is 45 or older, 1.2 million
contain two adults who are not related or married to each other. That
represents a dramatic increase from 1995, when just 736,000 of such
households contained two unmarried adults.

Carolyn Taft, 57, from Duxbury, Massachusetts, spent the first 15 years
after her divorce on the dating sidelines, swept up in the day-to-day tumult
of raising her children and working "humongous hours in venture capital‹my
social life was pretty much zip," she says. When she finally began to go out
again, she found the dating scene to be far different from her younger
experiences.

"You've got a lot more at risk than when you're in your 20s, when everything
is about hormones," says Taft. "Now you've got kids. And I wasn't quite sure
I was ready to give up my independence."

Her live-in partner, Gordon Ayres, now 72, was also skittish about his
return to dating. "I had married when I was very young, so when I separated
at 54, I didn't have much sexual experience. I thought I was over the hill
and that I'd never attract women," he says. Fortunately, he was wrong; women
found him plenty attractive. He joined a Boston dating service that allowed
clients to view videotapes of potential dates, and he played the field
extensively, but he remained cautious. "If anything seemed like it was
getting serious," he says, "I fled." Luckily, when he met Carolyn, "the
whole sex thing had played itself out. It was fun, and always intriguing,
but it wasn't as important as when I first separated," he says.

Feeling uneasy about intimacy is a big reason singles stay on the dating
sidelines. Some‹even baby boomers, famous for their sexual
permissiveness‹find getting naked in front of someone new a difficult
transition. "I don't even like looking at me naked anymore," jokes Phil, a
53-year-old recently divorced man who wishes to remain anonymous.

"It's as tricky to date in your 50s as it is when you first start dating as
a kid," says Dawne Touchings, 50, of Montclair, New Jersey, founder of The
Right Stuff, a dating service that connects grads from prestigious colleges.
"People age very differently‹some look so much younger than others....
There's just a lot to deal with."

On top of everything else, there is the increasingly confusing realm of
balancing a potential date's sexual attractiveness against compatibility: "I
liked the way 30-year-old women looked when I was 22, and I still do," Phil
admits. "But I don't want to have a relationship with a much younger woman.
I want a woman who is my equal, experience-wise."

Given these dilemmas, some are more comfortable in a group that lets them
sidestep sex entirely. For example, Andrew Watson, 71, a retired city
employee, helped start the singles group at Houston's Windsor Village United
Methodist Church, one of the biggest African American churches in the
country, and says his church's position that sex should wait until marriage
made him feel comfortable. "That takes a lot of pressure off people," says
the twice-divorced Watson, who met his current wife at a church event. "It
helps that there are guidelines about how singles are supposed to conduct
themselves."

There are some dating obstacles only women face: They live longer‹which is a
medical blessing but a dating curse. While the differences are relatively
minor for those ages 55 through 64, when there are 92 men for every 100
women, they get more dramatic as men die and women thrive. In the 65 through
74 age group, there are 82 men for every 100 women. And after 75, the ratio
drops to 53 men for every 100 women. These odds, experts say, make it easy
for women to become discouraged and for men to be a little more standoffish.

"It's so hard to get men to come to our events," laments a woman who runs a
travel-oriented singles group for older African Americans. "They know women
outnumber them, and they expect women to just come find them."

Men, naturally, are aware of this demographic power shift as they age. But
not all of them flaunt their power. The numbers mean little, says the
recently widowed Stanley Stiansen of Topsham, Maine. "If you can't find one
person you can talk to and feel compatible with, what's the point?"

The man shortage is magnified by the tendency of men to date younger women.

"Men are more likely today to be delighted to date a woman who is
significantly younger," says matrimonial consultant Zelda Fischer, who runs
a matchmaking service called Gentlepeople, Ltd., in Boston. Many men are
staying in better shape as they age, she says, so "they're likely to say
things to me like, 'I would date a woman my age, but I doubt she could keep
up.' " (Of course, plenty of buff 50-plus women feel the same way.)

Romance always carries a high risk of heartbreak and disappointment, but new
strategies for meeting people seem to make that risk even higher for
boomers. In online dating, for example, almost all services allow you to
stay completely anonymous, but it's still easy to imagine
chain-saw-wielding, identity-thieving wackos on the other side of the
computer line. Experts insist these fears are overblown: Using common sense,
like making contact with a cellular phone and meeting in a public place, is
enough to make dating strangers as safe as dating anyone else. (In truth,
the accountant your aunt wants to set you up with could be a nut job, too,
right?)

"Believe me, I've met some real lunatics," says Ilene Carr, a widow from
Connecticut. "And I've been on a few dinner dates that felt as if they
lasted six days! But there are plenty of good people out there, too. You
won't like all of them, and they won't all like you. You just have to treat
it as an adventure." Carr's perseverance paid off; she eventually met a
wonderful widower through a personal ad.

Finding and meeting the right person always involves an element of luck. But
before diving into a pricey gym club membership, hopping on a
Caribbean-bound Love Boat, or joining a dating service, it pays to think
hard about what you expect. Are you looking for a lot of dates (with many
potential sweeties) or just one connection with Mr. or Ms. Right? Is sharing
religious beliefs as important as the fact that your love interest lives
nearby? Can you stomach awkward small talk at Starbucks or are group events
more comfortable? And of course, how much are you willing to invest‹both in
time and money? That said, here's a guide to where sparks are flying,
roughly in order of the cheapest to the most expensive paths to finding new
love.

1 Churches (Really Big Ones)
Laurencetta Watson, 58, who works in the IT division of Rice University in
Houston, had been a widow for nine years. She had done her share of going
out, hoping to meet someone special. By the time she joined the singles
ministry of Windsor Village United Methodist Church in Houston, she wasn't
expecting to find a beau: She would have settled for having a nice time, and
not feeling like the only one in the congregation who wasn't married.

She met her husband, Andrew Watson, at her first meeting. He pronounced her
name correctly from her nametag, she says. "Few people can ever say my name,
so it got my attention right away." He asked if she'd be joining a group of
friends later for a card game, and she said yes. "He was there to hold the
door for me when I left the church, then he must have raced ahead, because
by the time I got to the person's house for the card game, he was there
holding the door open for me. I wasn't even looking for anybody, and I found
him at my very first singles meeting."

2 Outdoorsy Clubs
Mary Morales, 57, didn't sign up for the Sierra Club to meet a man. She just
wanted to learn how to pitch a tent. "I always figured, if you're lucky
enough to connect romantically, that's great, but if not, at least you'll
have a damn good time." She did meet her boyfriend on an outing; they both
continue to participate in Sierra Singles events. "I lead my own trips now,"
she says.

3 Speed Dating
A twist on the old singles mixer, the event is usually held at a bar or
restaurant. You register beforehand, show up, and receive a list of eight or
more "dates" for the night. You spend only three or so minutes with each,
then mark on your sheet who you'd like to see again. The organizer then
e-mails you the names of people who said the same about you. Events are
fun-spirited, fast-paced, and priced right: Expect to pay about $30 to
participate. The downside is that many of these events exclude older people.
But stay tuned‹as they grow in popularity, more groups are adding "50 to 59"
speed-dating nights. One place to start: www.pre-dating.com.

4 The Internet (You thought we'd never get to this, right?)
Far from being nervous about Web introductions, older Americans are jumping
into online dating with growing enthusiasm. Our survey found that one in 14
singles ages 40 through 59 regularly uses the Internet to find dates, a
number that is likely to increase rapidly. Many of those who haven't used
Internet dating still think it's a good idea: Research has found that 43
percent of people age 55 or older believe it is possible for people who meet
via the Internet to fall in love. Match.com, the largest service, boasts 1.5
million members over 50, about 10 percent of membership. Older members are
also one of its fastest-growing groups: The number of 50-plus members grew
by 65 percent last year. Both Match.com ($25 per month) and Yahoo! personals
($20 per month), the second-largest service, offer safety guidelines and the
chance to start meeting new people right away.

Both services walk you through the process: You fill out a self-description,
post your photo, and then you can start e-mailing prospects within a day.
(Photos are key, by the way. If you aren't willing to reveal yourself, you
won't generate nearly as much interest.) Most people enjoy browsing through
hundreds of potential dating partners listed on these sites, though others
say they often feel overwhelmed, as if they are hunting for a rare auto
part.

Finally, tales of people who don't match their self-descriptions are common.
"A man's ad would say he loved the outdoors, then he wouldn't be able to
walk from my house to the end of my driveway," says Maura Callahan, 53, a
mobile blood-bank coordinator in Washington State. But all online daters
aren't liars. Many are honest in describing themselves.

5 Personal Ads
As old-fashioned as getting rid of unwanted kittens, almost every regional
magazine and newspaper‹from The New York Times to free weeklies‹has a
personals section. Prices vary from free or cheap to hundreds of dollars.
(Try our web-exclusive Personal Ad Maker.)

6 Special-Interest Services
Whatever trait you desire‹whether it's a passion for Harley-Davidsons, a
strict adherence to Buddhism, or both‹there's a dating service for you.

Using any search engine, just type in "singles," plus your passions and
interests: Jewish? You've got JDate.com, JMatch.com, and Jewishcafe.com,
just for starters. Wanna dance? Take your pick of contra, swing,
two-stepping, or disco. Passionate about a cause? Consider Green Singles
(www.greensingles.com; $24 for three months), a group in the environmental,
vegetarian, and animal rights community. Maura Callahan found success
through this service. Shortly after she posted her self-description, she
received an e-mail from David Bach, 59. The two met and fell in love.

The Right Stuff connects people with another common bond: a diploma from an
Ivy League or other prestigious college. Founder Dawne Touchings realized
that people tend to marry others with similar backgrounds, and many meet in
college. A service linking grads from the same (or at least similar) college
seemed to her to be a slam dunk. "I'm amazed how many people say something
like, 'I'm 54, and I just got divorced from a woman who was a Smithie. I
want another Smithie,'" says Touchings. Membership to The Right Stuff
(800-988-5288, www.rightstuffdating.com) is $70 for six months, plus $3.10
for each "biography."

7 Matchmaker
While matchmakers may be a vanishing breed, they still have their champions,
especially those interested in privacy, discretion...and a wedding ring. For
some, spending a great deal to meet the perfect person is a solid
investment. Zelda Fischer's Gentlepeople, for instance, charges from $15,000
to $50,000. "Marriage consultants are to dating services what executive
recruiters are to employment agencies," she says. "Our clients don't want to
see 300 resumés‹they want the one right person." Check the yellow pages and
World Wide Web listings, and be sure to check references.

Are any of these paths a sure thing? Of course not. But as the old lottery
slogan goes, "You gotta play to win." And I have won: Seven years after my
divorce (believe me, that includes an awful lot of awkward first dates and
sulky retreats into Law & Order reruns), I met someone wonderful. It
happened when I least expected it, in the most traditional way possible: I
was listening to music at a blues club with friends, and boom‹there he was,
asking me to dance.

Six months later, we're in love, but both reluctant to make predictions
about the future. It's complicated; like me, he's been married once before
and has his own team of underage dating critics to contend with. But I do
know one thing for certain: For those willing to keep their chin up and
their mind open, love is just around the corner.

Sarah Mahoney is a freelance writer based in Durham, Maine.

Visit the site, for these links
http://www.aarpmagazine.org/lifestyle/Articles/a2003-09-23-seekinglove.html/
page=3

€ Interactive Personal Ad Maker (Flash)

€ Results from Our Singles Survey

€ 10 Smart First-Date Ideas for Singles 50+

€ Abbreviated Guide to Matchmaking Services

€ Message Board: Dating Horror Stories

€ Message Board: Navigating the Dating Scene as an Older American

€ Message Board: Share Your Great First-Date Ideas

€ AARP The Magazine's Modern Love column

€ Submit Your Own Question to the Modern Love column

€ When the Kids Play Cupid (September-October 2003)

Copyright 1995-2003, AARP.


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