Randles address/IRISH Marriage Breakdown - 9/29/03

[Smartmarriages ®]

subject: Randles address/IRISH Marriage Breakdown - 9/29/03

from: Smart Marriages®

- RANDLE'S EMAIL ADDRESS??
- AVOIDING THE TRAUMA OF MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN: THE IRISH TIMES

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- RANDLE'S EMAIL ADDRESS??

> Dear Diane,
> I didn't see any contact info for Tim Randles. How would I get in touch with
> him to give him my comments on the effects of porn on men?
> Jo Noetzel

I forgot to search for and paste in his email address.  By the way, it saves
me so much time if when ANY of you write me, you include your email address
in your signature line.  Puleeze, everyone, try to remember to do this. Or,
go in right now and create a signature line that includes your email
address.   - diane 

Tim Randles - randlest at telusplanet.net

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- AVOIDING THE TRAUMA OF MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN: THE IRISH TIMES
Breda O¹Brien     
September 20, 2003

> However, a randomised poll conducted anywhere in Ireland among young people
> would still find that they rank marriage, or at the very least a long-term
> committed relationship, very highly. Yet what exactly are we doing to help
> them achieve that goal?  The British organisation CARE brought out an
> educational programme for teenagers entitled The M-word, a humorous reference
> to the fact that we have become much more embarrassed about speaking about
> marriage, much less endorsing it.

> Isobel Murray and Pamela van de Poll travelled to the US to train as PREP
> instructors, to my knowledge, the only Irish people to do so.  Both of them
> talk about how the US has moved far ahead of us in terms of researching and
> instructing in this area.

> (Note: Isobel and Pamela attended the Reno Smart Marriages conference.  In
> addition to the PREP training, they also took the Barry McCarthy "Couples
> Sexual Awareness" Premarital and Marital Sex Education institute training and
> say they are also teaching the new PREP CONNECTIONS high school curriculum
> they purchased.  They found it all so helpful that they plan to attend the
> Dallas Smart Marriages Conference.  - diane)

"Everything that I had planned or dreamed for my life just went one night.
There was not going to be the time the two of us would go to Paris.  It was
as if my life was a full blackboard and someone got a duster and rubbed it
all out and said ŒBlank page - start again."

With these stark words Joanne, one of the interviewees in the new RTE
series, For Better or Worse, described how it felt to realise that your
marriage was over.  Joanne¹s comments were heart wrenching, but there were
other moments which were striking in a different way.

For example, it was clear that Patricia and Alan, who were involved in
scouting together and who married when Patricia became pregnant, had both
had significant doubts about the advisability of getting married which they
never managed to communicate to each other.

It came as an obvious shock to Patricia when Alan revealed during the
interview that he thought he was doing the "decent thing" by marrying her.
Equally, she told of how she felt that she almost had to go through with the
ceremony, because they were getting married in Germany, and so many people
"had their tickets booked".

Some have made the valid point that we need to talk much more openly about
the experience of divorce and separation.

Yet surely we also need to ask why marital distress and breakdown have
become more common, and what we can do about it?

Some parents may be reeling in shock at the findings of The Irish Times poll
on sexual behaviour.  However, a randomised poll conducted anywhere in
Ireland among young people would still find that they rank marriage, or at
the very least a long-term committed relationship, very highly.

Yet what exactly are we doing to help them achieve that goal?  The British
organisation CARE brought out an educational programme for teenagers
entitled The M-word, a humorous reference to the fact that we have become
much more embarrassed about speaking about marriage, much less endorsing it.

Part of that embarrassment stems from a praiseworthy sensitivity to the
feelings of those whose relationships have foundered, or who are raising
children outside marriage.

Yet the overwhelming findings of two decades of social science research are
that on balance people in stable marriages are happier, suffer less illness
and are better of financially that those who are unmarried, divorced or
separated.

Many of the social science findings on marriage reflect common sense, but
sometimes they are counterintuitive.  For example, living together before
marriage, except when it is for a very short period as an immediate
precursor to marriage, significantly damages your changes of having a
successful marital relationship.

People often end up "backing into marriage".  A couple has a mortgage and
children and it just seems the next logical step to marry.  This is very
different from thrashing out together exactly what it is you want and expect
from marriage.  Also, a decision to live together rather than marry may
signal an escape clause written into the relationship, and commitment to
building a secure future together is a prerequisite for a successful
marriage.

Another fascinating research finding is that the No. 1 predictor of divorce
is habitual avoidance of conflict.  Again, this does not seem to make sense,
but couples who have withdrawn from each other emotionally, perhaps because
fighting with each other has become too painful, may as well start saving
for a divorce.

It is not what couples fight about that matters.  It is how they handle
conflict, and how they build a buffer zone of mutual enjoyment and pleasure
which is most important.

In the US bestseller, Fighting For Your Marriage, the authors Markman,
Stanley and Blumberg outline the stages in the death of a marriage.  People
meet, they are attracted to each other, fall in love, get attached and get
married.

Problems arise, as they do for everyone.  This is where the crunch comes.
Either people already know how to, or they learn how to, work as a team on
problems, to negotiate conflicts, to keep on building a zone of security and
comfort with each other, or else conflicts escalate and become more nasty.

The number of times together which are painful starts to increase markedly.
One or other partner, most often the man, starts to withdraw.

One or both partners begin to wonder whether it is worth sticking with this
painful mess.  By this time, danger signs are flashing everywhere.

Markman, Stanley and Blumberg designed a marriage education programme,
called PREP, a very specific skills-orientated model to help people
negotiate predictable difficulties and build solid relationships, preferable
before problems arise at all.  (It can help, too, when things get rocky).

The interviewees in For Better or Worse were not bad or abusive people in
obviously damaging relationships.  They were ordinary people who started out
with the same high hopes as the rest of us.  For these couples it is too
late, but it was impossible not to wonder whether the relationships would
have foundered if help in the form of skills-based training had become the
norm years ago.

Two Irish women are passionate about the idea that young people in
particular need to be taught the skills of a good relationship.  Isobel
Murray and Pamela van de Poll travelled to the US to train as PREP
instructors, to my knowledge, the only Irish people to do so.  Both of them
talk about how the US has moved far ahead of us in terms of researching and
instructing in this area.

For example, Diane Sollee, through her web site, www.smartmarriages.com, has
become a virtual clearinghouse for every exciting new development, and the
annual conference which she runs every year in a different American city
allows direct access to the best minds working in this area.

Isobel and Pamela have started working in schools and in premarriage courses
under the auspices of Media Multinational Training.

A drop in the ocean? It may be, but it is an important drop, because it has
the potential to help people avoid the emotional trauma so bleakly described
by Joanne and others in For Better or Worse.


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