Songs about Divorce/No Credible Evidence/Free: No Jerks- 1/03

Smartmarriages ® cmfce at smartmarriages.com
Thu Jan 16 10:04:45 EST 2003


subject: Songs about Divorce/No Credible Evidence/Free: No Jerks- 1/03

from: Smart Marriages®

- YESTERDAY'S MEDIA:
- PUBLIC RADIO:
- MOVIE BOOK/AND NEW VIORST BOOK:
- SPANISH LANGUAGE REQUEST/PLEA:
- SELF-PUBLISHING
- RICHMOND VIRGINIA: FREE NO JERKS WORKSHOP:
- ON THE RADIO: THE PSYCHE DELI:
- ADOPTION AND MARRIAGE RESOURCES?
- NO CREDIBLE EVIDENCE: BLANKENHORN RESPONSE
- SONGS ABOUT DIVORCE
#####################
- YESTERDAY'S MEDIA:
Shirley Glass was terrific on CBS Morning Show and on Connie Chung though it
appears to me that this topic - affairs in the workplace - makes the
interviewers quite nervous....

At the end of the day the new Glass book, Not Just Friends, was ranked 127
on amazon.com - which is an amazing ranking.

To order for $17.50 on amazon, click:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/074322549X/smartmarriages

- - - - - - - - -  -
And, yesterday, amazon.com listed the new Michele Weiner-Davis book,
Sex-Starved Marriage, as one of it's four "New and Notable" books on their
web site.  
- - - - - - - - -
- PUBLIC RADIO:

> On the WBUR show, Stephanie Coontz -- one of the people they usually go to
> as our "opposition" -- actually said a lot of things in support of marriage
> education, and praised PREP in particular.   - John Crouch
 
###################
- MOVIE BOOK/AND NEW VIORST BOOK:
Hi Diane, 
I came across a wonderful book called "Cinematherapy For Lovers:  The Girl's
guide to finding True Love One Movie At A Time."  The authors are Nancy
Peske and Beverly West (Delta Books, Bantam/Dell)

This will be of interest to those who like to use movie clips in their
classes/courses (don't we all?).  It contains more than 150 reviews of
classic and contemporary movies about love and romance grouped in a variety
of different categories.

The other is Judith Viorst's new book, Grown-Up Marriage:  What we know,wish
we had known, and still need to know about being married (Free Press).
I'm not too far into the book yet, however her chapter on The First Shocks
Of Marriage, is wonderful.  I'd like to put a copy of it in every marriage
prep package of materials.

Peter Gray
Ontario

Viorst is source of one of my favorite marriage quotes: "One advantage of
marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with each other,
it keeps you together until maybe you fall in again."  I'll bet her new book
is full of lots of good new advice.  All of you should send me quotes to
post on the quotes page.  Reporters love this resource.  - diane
######################
- SPANISH LANGUAGE REQUEST/PLEA:

I am receiving increasing numbers of requests for Spanish versions of our
marriage books and programs.  Had a complaint this morning asking why
Divorce Remedy isn't available in Spanish from a Coalition member who
expressed frustration that the book has worked like magic for her English
speaking couples and she wants to be able to give it to non-English readers.
IF YOU HAVE SPANISH (or other) version of your books and programs, and if
you are listed on the Directory of Programs on www.smartmarriages.com,
PLEASE check and be sure we say so on your listing - that a Spanish (or any
other) version is available.  Books by Experts page, same thing.  Have me
make the change if it isn't listed. I tell people to go to the directory and
search for "Spanish" - if it isn't so stated in your listing it won't pop
up. - diane 

#####################
- SELF-PUBLISHING
Diane, 
Somewhere on the continuum between (1) vanity publishing which generally
requires a minimum print run and (2) traditional self-publishing where you
contract for each part of the process and generally have to pay out several
thousand dollars to get launched, is (3) the relatively recent development
of print-on-demand publishing. I have experimented with the latter option,
which is a relatively inexpensive way to get started and (depending on the
company) allows you to purchase only the services you desire (marketing,
design, etc.), as well as options for producing the book in downloadable
format as well as soft &/or hardcover.  A number of publishers are now
offering this option; I published "101 Marriage Myths and the Wisdom of the
Wedded" through 1st Books and would be glad to discuss the experience with
anyone interested.
Cary Lantz
CaryE46 at aol.com

######################
- ON THE RADIO: THE PSYCHE DELI:

> Hi Diane: 
> As you may remember, I'm a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with 25
> years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books.

> I am pleased to announce that I'm beginning a new public radio show called
> "The Psyche Deli: Delectable Tidbits for the Subconscious" on KUCI fm 88.9 in
> Southern California. The show will also air on the Internet, at www.kuci.org.
> I want to invite experts on your list who will be in person in S. Ca to
> contact me to talk on the air about the psychological aspects of a healthy
> marriage.  The show will air on Thursdays 4-5 PM beginning January 24.  It's
> public radio, so we can't sell anything, but we can mention your book or
> workshop as part of your credentials, and we can say if you're appearing in
> the area.
> 
> Tina B. Tessina, LMFT, PhD
> 1055 Junipero Ave
> Long Beach, CA 90804
> phone:562-438-8077
> Website: www.tinatessina.com/
####################

- RICHMOND VIRGINIA: FREE NO JERKS WORKSHOP, FEB 15:

"How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" with Dr. John VanEpp (on video) for singles -
Feb 15,  9-3:30. "The way to follow your heart without losing your mind.
What will a person be like in marriage?"  Practical strategies and skills
every single should use in serious relationships. Facilitated by Dianne &
Bob Ruthazer, CFLE, Contact Vineyard at 355-1111  or vcfrich at aol.com. More
Info: www.MarriageBuildersAlliance.org  or  www.NoJerks.com

#########################
- ADOPTION AND MARRIAGE RESOURCES?

Diane, Does anyone know of books, speakers, articles, etc. on the unique
strains that adoption can put on marriage and how to keep the marital bonds
strong after adoption?  I am a post-adoption resource advisor and would like
to focus on strengthening marriage during February for the adoptive families
our agency serves. 
Andrea Sneed, 
GA Center for Adoption Resources & Support
auntie_41 at hotmail.com
#######################
- NO CREDIBLE EVIDENCE

American Values Reporter
January 15, 2002
 
The Wall Street Journal Blows It
There is no credible evidence that divorce is making a "comeback"
by David Blankenhorn
 
Yesterday the Wall Street Journal ran a feature article by Jeffrey Zaslow
entitled "Divorce Makes a Comeback."  To back up the dramatic conclusion
that divorce is making "a comeback" in the U.S., the story announces that
"tense times" are prompting more couples to split up, that divorces are
becoming more contentious, and that as a result "pessimism has returned to
the divorce arena." But the story offers little evidence to support these
claims, and ignores much evidence to the contrary.  Also, the story's
general statements about U.S. divorce rates are confused and misleading.
 
Divorce rates peaked in the U.S. in about 1979, when the crude divorce rate
(divorces per 1,000 persons) reached 5.7 and the refined divorce rate
(divorces per 1,000 married women) reached 22.  Since then, the crude rate
has fallen by about 25 percent and the refined rate has fallen by about 10
percent. Therefore, the story's statement that divorce rates have "remained
steady" since the early 1980s is inaccurate. The story's curious definition
of the divorce rate as "the proportion of splits to marriages in any given
year," along with a chart purporting to put that number at 50 for the year
1998, make no sense and only adds to the confusion.
 
No current scholarly evidence suggests that divorce is making a "comeback."
A few claims from divorce lawyers that their caseloads since 9/11 are
holding steady or slightly increasing are all but meaningless when it comes
to measuring divorce rates. Similarly, some random claims from local court
officers that divorce or domestic violence cases have increased slightly
since 9/11 does not even begin to prove that divorce rates are increasing.
And to demonstrate that divorces are becoming more contentious, Mr. Zaslow
will have to do better than asking divorce lawyers whether their clients are
angry with each other -- a methodology which, among its many flaws, excludes
from consideration the many divorcing couples today who opt for mediation,
not litigation.   
 
In general, the story's attempts to link 9/11 to changes in the divorce rate
are unserious and smack of sensationalism. For example, Mr. Zaslow writes
that there is no evidence that 9/11 has contributed directly to a reduction
in divorce, which is true, but then goes on to suggest that worries about
terrorism are contributing to an increase in divorce, a claim which he
justifies by anecdotes. His suggestion that a possible war in Iraq will
contribute to divorce making a "comeback" is equally speculative and
unsubstantiated. 
 
Finally, the notion that economic hard times are causing more couples to
divorce appears in the story's sub-headline: "Poor Economy, Tense Times
Prompt More Couples to Call It Quits." Yet the story itself says only that
the poor economy is "having little ameliorative effect" on the divorce rate.
The Journal offers not a shred of evidence -- not even an anecdote -- to
justify the claim that bad economic times are driving up the divorce rate.
 - - - - - -  - -
  The American Values Reporter is a FREE e-publication of the Institute for
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the message "subscribe" in the subject area.
######################
- SONGS ABOUT DIVORCE

>From Breakpoint Online:
http://www.breakpoint.org/Breakpoint/ChannelRoot/FeaturesGroup/BreakPointCom
mentaries/Symphonies+to+Sorrow.htm

Symphonies to Sorrow

BreakPoint with Charles Colson

December 27, 2002

Songs about Divorce

When rocker Aaron Lewis of the band called Staind was thirteen years old,
his parents divorced. In a song called "For You," Lewis sings: "To my
mother, to my father/It¹s your son or it¹s your daughter/Are my screams loud
enough for you to hear me?/Should I turn it up for you?"

Chad Kroeger, singer/songwriter for the band Nickelback, describes the pain
of his father¹s abandonment with lyrics like these: "You left without saying
goodbye/Although I¹m sure you tried/You call and ask from time to time/To
make sure we¹re still alive/But you weren¹t there right when I¹m needing you
most."

Whenever he sings that song, Kroeger told the Washington Times, fans begin
to cry, telling the rocker they¹ve been through the same heartbreak
themselves.

And then there¹s a song called "Broken Home" by Jacoby Shaddix of Papa
Roach. Shaddix describes how he felt when his father walked out when he was
only seven years old: "My wounds are not healing/I¹m stuck in between my
parents/I wish I had someone to talk to/Someone to confide in."

These musical laments are a far cry from what the so-called experts tell
divorcing parents to expect. As Maggie Gallagher writes in her book The
Abolition of Marriage, one of the driving ideas of the postmarital culture
"is that the happiness of adults is so crucial to their success as parents
that divorce will make them even better parents." The notion that "divorce
is better for kids than staying in a troubled marriage is now the
conventional wisdom," writes Gallagher.

But are most kids really better off when their parents divorce? Does divorce
actually lead to less hostility between parents?

According to Gallagher, all too often, parents fight even more after
divorcing than they did while married. In fact, she notes, "Children whose
parents were divorced, separated, or remarried [are] twice as likely to need
psychological help as children whose parents [stay] in marriage with minor
or moderate conflicts." And that¹s not counting all the other problems that
afflict children of divorced parents in higher numbers: teen pregnancy,
criminal behavior, drug use, and poor health. Children who do worst of all,
Gallagher says, are those from "high-conflict divorced families."

Now, of course, divorce can sometimes benefit kids‹but only when there is a
long-term, high-level of hostility or violence, and most marriages don¹t
fall into that category.

As the songs of modern rockers indicate, children continue to feel pain from
their parents¹ divorce even many years later. This is one of the reasons God
condemns divorce so strongly. That¹s something to think about in a culture
that says if parents are happy, then children will be happy, too. More often
than not, it just isn¹t true.

Just ask the real experts on divorce: the kids who have gone through it and
who are now writing rock-and-roll symphonies to sorrow.

Tom DeLonge of the group Blink 182 wrote this about his parents¹ divorce in
a song titled "Stay Together for the Kids": "Rather than fix the problems,
they never solve them/it makes no sense at all/I see them every day/We get
along, so why can¹t they?" Good question.


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