Tah Dah....Brochures/Infidelty replies/Irish Times - 2/03

Sat Feb 22 23:28:08 EST 2003

subject: Tah Dah....Brochures/Infidelty replies/Irish Times - 2/03

from: Smart Marriages

- BROCHURES: TAH DAH....
- MARRIAGE WEEK 
- MORE INFIDELITY RESPONSES: A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME.....
- LANCE ARMSTRONG SEPARATES
- OPPORTUNITY TO PUBLISH IN PARENTING EDUCATION:
- HOW TO ENSURE LOVE IS NOT JUST FOR BEAUTY QUEENS

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- BROCHURES: TAH DAH....

The blizzard slowed us down, but 160,000 Smart Marriages conference
brochures are now in the mail!  You should receive one in the coming week.
If, that is, I have your postal mail address.  If you haven't received a
brochure by March 1st, send me your postal mail address.

Please also let me know if you can distribute brochures to colleagues.  Tell
me how many to send you and an address.  If you've already sent me your bulk
shipment orders, you can expect them in about two weeks.

The complete brochure is also on the web site. You can fax or mail the
registration form that is on page 19 of the brochure on the website.  Or,
the on-line registration form will be posted on the web by Wednesday.

(I apologize in advance that this year's brochures look SO MUCH like last
years.  Same colors!  I promise to change them next year.)

Answers to frequently asked questions about the conference:

1) WORKSHOPS: It's too late to add a workshop or keynote to the Reno
conference.  There is, however, still time to submit a poster presentation.
Posters will be on display throughout the conference and provide an
excellent way to share research, program innovations, etc.

2) ROOMMATES: Find a roommate and split costs. On the web site, click
conference and then roommates.

3) VOLUNTEERS: There are still student volunteer openings - but they are
filling fast.  Students who reserved institute spots: your payment is due by
the end of FEB or you'll lose your spot.  If you were told an institute was
full, contact me again. Several might open up.

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- MARRIAGE WEEK 

Hi, Diane,
I designed our Marriage Week celebration as a "house event" in the church,
without a media or community plug. I wanted to at least get it launched this
year and hope to expand the horizons next year.

The biggest hit was a Marriage Celebration Reception on Valentine's Day.
Couples entered a room decorated with wedding dresses they had brought
earlier in the week. A large sheet cake and punch and coffee set the
"reception" tone, along with wedding music from decades before that played
as they arrived. Couples preregistered and supplied a wedding portrait that
had been loaded into a Powerpoint slide show, interspersed with some of the
great quotes from SmartMarriages website, bordered with flowers and hearts.
As the couples arrived, the "bride" received a bouquet and they were posed
beneath a floral arch and photographed. Then our techno-wizard loaded those
photos in sequence with their wedding photos for "then and now" portraits.
The 20 couples who attended had a cumulative 540 years of marriage that were
celebrated with a sparkling cider toast. Then a wonderful couple in a second
marriage for both of them told their love story, and then the hardships of
blending a family and enduring three episodes of cancer for the wife: "For
better, for worse; in sickness and in health."

A beautiful passage from Mike Mason's "Mystery of Marriage" was rolled into
a scroll and slipped into a "gold" wedding band and each couple also took
away a small bottle of bubbles shaped like a champagne glass. Some prize
winners received copies of "5 Love Languages," which had been the theme of
the week. I had copies of "marriage resources" including many websites,
recommended books and upcoming marriage enrichment events. Tabletop topics
for the evening included questions about "what is your secret to a great
marriage?" or tell a "PG-13 rated event from your honeymoon," and some of
those were shared with the whole group. It was great fun--only took about a
half dozen people to arrange and really made a hit. Afterward, couples
receive a print of their photo taken that night and many other photos
captured the fun. 

Everyone left glad that they were married...and that was the whole point...

Vernetta Mickey
Centennial, CO
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- MORE INFIDELITY RESPONSES: A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME.....

> Diane, 
> I read with interest the anonymous gentleman's comments concerning Emotional
> Infidelity. As was pointed out in the response by Carolyn Nolan, Webster
> defines infidelity as "a: unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : b : marital
> unfaithfulness or an instance of it."  When you turn to the definition of
> "unfaithful" Webster states "not faithful: a : not adhering to vows,
> allegiance, or duty."   Nowhere does it state that unfaithfulness or
> infidelity is tied to a physical act.  It is my belief that if you are using
> your emotional reserves on someone not your spouse at the expense of your
> spouse, then it is infidelity.  For those who are calling for giving it
> another name, I can only respond "a rose by any other name...."
> 
> Dena B. Cashatt, MFT
> Soldier & Family Assistance Program Mgr.

> Diane,
> 37 years of clinical and coaching practice has shown me
> that gender differences on this issue are not fiction,
> but based in how people actually feel. My experience
> working with men (and couples) where the man has been
> involved with pornography is that the guy's resonse is
> typically "They're just PICtures" while his wife is
> enraged at his "affairs." And the poor guy just doesn't
> get it. I usually end by pointing out that IF he wants
> a good relationship with his wife again, he has to
> learn to understand how she sees it, since she is
> offended by his behavior. This often is greeted--by the
> guy--as unfair. To which I reply: "Well, 'unfair' or
> not, that's the way it works if you want your
> relationship back."
> 
> George Polley, LICSW

> Hi Diane,
> 
> I tend to think that one's spouse has the correct position to define
> what infidelity is--if you want to know whether you're crossing boundaries,
> ask your partner to comment on what is happening in the "other" relationship.
> 
> Now, I know that some folks may say that such a position automatically
> privileges one spouse, including those who are jealous or possessive to the
> point of danger. I certainly acknowledge that and recognize the potential
> problems therein, but determining the acceptable boundaries in a marriage or
> committed relationship is at the heart of the relationship's foundation. It
> will be done, regardless of whether it is done intentionally via discussion
> and negotiation, and regardless of whether it is done explicitly; both
> partners have an expectation of the boundaries that will constrain their
> relationship, even if they never make them explicit. To not have those
> boundaries by definition makes the relationship an uncommitted one.
> 
> So, back to my point: If you want to know if you're risking infidelity, tell
> your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself
> wanting to "edit" the story, you know yourself that you're playing with fire,
> even if you want to say you're protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is
> a key feature of infidelity, so I would suggest that either spouse has the
> right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about
> anything at any time.

> Mark Odell, PhD  
> University of Nevada, Las Vegas

> Hi Diane,
> 
> I don't know if you are still taking responses on this but I just had to
> comment.  My husband had a sexual affair several years ago.  We have since
> recovered and now mentor other marriages.  I have to tell you that in a
> strange way I am actually thankful his affair was a sexual one because there
> was no doubt in anyone's mind that it was wrong.  We are currently working
> with two couples who are each facing emotional infidelity in their
> relationships.  I can tell you with complete certainty that these women are
> experiencing all the same hurt, anger, depression, fear, etc. that I faced.
> But, they face other hurdles, 1) their husbands don't feel that it was wrong
> because there was no sex and 2) other friends treat them like they are
> overreacting because the husbands "didn't go all the way."  They are having a
> much harder time trying to recover from this because they are not only torn
> apart from a betrayal that their husbands won't take responsibility for, but
> they also face opposition from their friends when attempting to gain
> acceptance of their feelings.
> 
> As long as we keep saying that infidelity only occurs once you are beneath the
> sheets, we are excusing the betrayal and devistation that is the same in both
> sexual and emotional affairs.  My husband, himself, admits that his infidelity
> began long before the first sexual encounter.
> 
> From what we have seen, emotional infidelity is just as damaging, and
> sometimes even more damaging, than a sexual affair.  Please don't down play
> it!!  
> 
> By the way, although I have not read Shirley Glass' book, I did hear her speak
> at last summer's SmartMarriages conference and it brought tears to my eyes.
> Never have I read or heard anyone who had a better understanding on the topic
> of infidelity than her.  Thank you, Shirley.
> 
> Michelle Davis
> Idaho
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- LANCE ARMSTRONG SEPARATES

Diane,
Didn't you do something when Michael Jordan separated?  Can't you get
someone to call Lance Armstrong and help him save his marriage.  This is
another big sports idol and his divorce will make a big impression on kids!
Mickey K.

It's sweet that you think I was able to help Michael Jordan. I think what
you're remembering is that you read the powerful editorial by William
Raspberry on this newslist and discussion by list subscribers.   The Jordans
did reconcile, so there is always hope. Maybe someone can get to the
Armstrongs.  Four years of marriage - and three kids. - diane
 Read the Raspberry editorial at
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/msg01726.html

Lance Armstrong separating after four years of marriage

February 21, 2003

AUSTIN- Four-time defending Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and his
wife, Kristin, have separated after four years of marriage, the couple said
in a statement Friday.

In a statement e-mailed to the Austin American-Statesman, the Armstrongs,
both 31, said they were having unspecified difficulties in their marriage.

"We are working through these sensitive issues in the same way we have met
other challenges in our life together with determination and dedication,"
the statement read. "We may experience a period of time apart from each
other as we reflect on our relationship and work to preserve and protect the
interests of our family and children."

Armstrong lives in Austin but departs for Spain on Monday to prepare for the
European cycling season. Kristin Armstrong and the couple's three children
will stay in Austin.

"We are like any other couple, except that we live in the spotlight of
constant media attention, which makes working through this situation even
more difficult. So, we particularly respect and appreciate any and all
considerations for our privacy as we work through this difficult period in
the months ahead," they said in the statement.

Armstrong overcame cancer on his way to four Tour wins. He'll bid for his
fifth straight Tour victory this summer. Armstrong, who was named The
Associated Press Male Athlete of the Year in 2002, hopes to tie the record
of Spain's Miguel Indurain, who won from 1991-95.

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- OPPORTUNITY TO PUBLISH IN PARENTING EDUCATION:

Opportunity to publish ideas, short papers, emerging concepts, and best
practices with the National Parenting Education Network.
see:  http://www.npen.org
Click on : NEEDED! CURRENT PRACTICES IN PARENTING EDUCATION

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- HOW TO ENSURE LOVE IS NOT JUST FOR BEAUTY QUEENS

It's nice to see our Smart Marriages listserve referenced in the Irish
Times, even though it's not by name, and to see that the Shirley Glass book
NOT Just Friends and the Arp book, Love Life for Parents, is being
appreciated in Ireland.  Sent by an Irish list subscriber.  - diane

Irish Times

Opinion     Sat, Feb 15, 2003
How to ensure love is not just for beauty queens

     Getting older does have its rougher moments and, frankly, the fact that
my waist now measures the same as my hips once did does not exactly fill my
little heart with delight. However, not even the possibility of reversing an
inexorable progress from curvy to matronly would tempt me to be a teenager
again, especially on Valentine's Day, writes Breda O'Brien

Just remembering all those agonised longings for shiny, red satin cards of
unmitigated tackiness is nearly enough to send me searching for my Janis Ian
cassette. I almost wore it out in a vain attempt to reassure myself that I
was not the only one to fail this elementary test of social acceptability.
It did not help that Janis whinges about discovering the truth "at
seventeen, that love was meant for beauty queens". I was all of 12 when that
particular observation hit me. Be young again? No, thanks. Much nicer to
wake up on Valentine's Day as a married woman with all of that angst left
behind.

My middle-aged smugness was punctured somewhat, though, while leafing
through one of my parenting books. It's called Kid Co-operation - how to
stop yelling, nagging and pleading, and get kids to co-operate. (We of the
post-smacking generation need all the help we can get.) The author,
Elizabeth Pantley, describes the eagerness with which parents hoover up
parenting tips at her course, and the resistance she encounters when she
tells people that looking after their marriage must be their first priority.
The response of one woman, Evelyn, typifies many of the mothers' feelings,
many of whom are nodding their heads as she speaks. She tells Elizabeth that
since she works part-time, has three pre-schoolers and does all of her own
cooking, housework and washing, she has no energy left to "work on her
marriage".

Elizabeth then pounces; "Evelyn, how would you like to have three
pre-schoolers, work part-time, do all your own housework, cooking and
washing, and do it all as a single parent? Because if you take care of
everything else, and neglect your marriage, that's what could happen."
Suddenly, all the women who had been nodding assent to Evelyn's comment were
looking at Elizabeth with wide eyes. The idea that their marriage could be
in jeopardy hit them very hard, given that until that moment it had been at
the very bottom of their priority list. Elizabeth also notes that she now
had the attention of several fathers who until then had seemed lost in their
own thoughts. I bet she did.

If you think that a bucket of cold water is bad enough, an email list to
which I am subscribed has been buzzing about a book by psychologist and
marital researcher Shirley Glass. Again, with that American propensity for
providing a summary of the book in the title, it's called Not Just Friends -
protect your marriage from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal.

She contends that it is not necessary to be sexually involved with someone
in order to do significant damage to a marriage. She says that it is "good
people", peers who are in good marriages, who are most likely to fall into
what she calls emotional infidelity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the workplace
is where you are most likely to find someone with whom you start a
relationship which amounts to cheating on your spouse.

She lists several signs that show a relationship has crossed the line from
"platonic to passionate". The first is sharing more of your emotional self
with a co-worker of the opposite sex than you do with a spouse. The real red
flag here is when you start sharing your marital dissatisfactions with that
sympathetic ear. The second is deception, such as not mentioning that you
meet every day for coffee. The third is sexual chemistry, without
appropriate boundaries.

And guess what, she pinpoints the "child-centred marriage" as a primary
culprit. Parents with dual careers and limited time often collude to give
what time they have to the children. Their bond is built on co-parenting,
and they don't make time for themselves. Of course, it is not just in
dual-career homes that this danger arises. Today, the parent in the home can
shoulder so much that she or he is just as exhausted as the parent outside.

It is one of life's nasty little ironies that good people who want to give
their children the very best often unwittingly undermine their own
relationship.

Stephen Covey uses a metaphor of making deposits in an emotional bank
account. People who are rich in their relationship often believe that they
can go on making withdrawals indefinitely. The fact that they have a strong
foundation to their relationship, based first on shared values and deep
affection, can make them complacent. They assume that their commitment to
their children is a bond which will sustain them, and that it will not
matter if they put their own relationship on hold for a few years when the
children are at their most demanding. But no one can go on making
withdrawals on shared capital forever without also replenishing it.

Luckily, it is not all bad news. All the researchers seem to agree that the
strong relationship which made people complacent in the first place can
still provide the raw materials for renewing your bond. One funny, engaging
- and yes, romantic - book on the subject of bringing the closeness back to
your relationship is Love Life for Parents - how to have kids and a sex
life, too, by David and Claudia Arp.

Perhaps you share my depression at being informed that just as you are
congratulating yourself on being model parents, that you are in danger of
neglecting the primary shelter for your children, which is a stable and
nourishing marital relationship.

Just when the angst of your own teenage years seems safely in the past, the
spectre of a rather more devastating angst caused by a failed relationship
looms.

One compensation, perhaps, is that investing time in your marriage carries
its own rewards, undreamt of in your teens. It can be as simple as following
the Arps' suggestion, that if you only have a minute to spare, spend it in a
kiss.

Who knows, it might help us to finally confirm that ole Janis was wrong.
Love is definitely meant for more than beauty queens.

© The Irish Times

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