Greatest Gift/The Family and The Nation - 12/03

[Diane Sollee]

subject: Greatest Gift/The Family and The Nation - 12/03

from: Smart Marriages [R]


It's Christmas Eve day and so many reporters are still hard at work.  I did
several interviews today and it makes me think that we are making good
headway.  Merry, merry to you all.  - diane

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The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Family
By Julie Baumgardner

The song says "it¹s the most wonderful time of the year!"  Bright-eyed
children have made their Christmas lists, checked them twice and handed them
over to their parents with great expectations of lots of presents under the
tree. The countdown has begun.  Over the next four days, people, especially
parents, will head out early and come in late from intense shopping sprees
not to mention staying up late wrapping those presents.  Millions of dollars
will be spent as people go all out purchasing gifts for their children,
spouse, relatives and friends to make sure a perfect Christmas is had by
all.

Interestingly, when people, young and old, were asked what they were looking
forward to most about Christmas, very few people mentioned presents at the
top of their list.  In fact, some didn¹t mention gifts at all.  The most
popular answer was spending time with family followed by enjoying some time
off.  Receiving gifts was closer to the bottom of the list.

Giving and receiving presents is a part of the Christmas spirit, but based
on what people are saying, the store bought gift isn¹t the most important
thing to them. If this is true, why do we spend so much time and energy
focusing on presents? Maybe there needs to be a shift in our focus to what
people say really matters to them over the holidaysŠ.TIME with family.
Perhaps the greatest gift you could give your family is the gift of your
time.

If you haven¹t completed your Christmas shopping yet, here are some
suggestions you may not have considered. - Make gift certificates for
special outings with you and give them to each family member. - Buy a new
board game that the family can play together like Scattergories, UNO or
Scrabble. - Sign up to learn a new hobby together as a family. - Make a
video scrapbook by interviewing family members. Ask them questions like,
"what¹s your favorite family memory, family vacation or family tradition and
why?" Parents, tell your children how things were different when you were
little.  This is a great gift to open and watch on Christmas day. - Schedule
a family progressive dinner right in your own home. Let each member of the
family be responsible for one of the courses.  You can even move to
different locations in the house for each course. - Put together a family
photo album.  Include old photographs right along side more recent pictures.
Take time to sit down with your family and walk down memory lane. - Write a
letter to each family member.  Tell them why they are special and what they
mean to you.  Too often we assume people know how we feel about them,
especially if they are family.  Put the envelopes on the tree to be opened
Christmas morning.

When families spend time together memories are made, and people feel a sense
of belonging that can¹t be found in a store bought gift.  Funny things
happen and there is laughter, traditions are started, and instead of being
strangers living under the same roof, family members really get to know each
other.   People long and crave for intimacy in their own family.  It is a
void that store bought gifts will never fill.  So give a gift that doesn¹t
require batteries or assembly yet will last for a lifetime.  Give the gift
of your time.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a
research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families
through education, collaboration and mobilization. She can be reached at
julieb at firstthings.org.

I parked this one permanently on the Marriage Rituals page - under holiday
rituals. - diane 

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- THE FAMILY AND THE NATION

American Outlook/Hudson Institute
December 15, 2003 
The Family and the Nation
by Herbert I. London (president of the Hudson Institute)

If there is fragmentation in America, and alas this condition is undeniable,
it is related to a divorce rate 30 percent higher than 1970, a marriage rate
that has dropped 40 percent since 1970 and an illegitimacy rate that has
skyrocketed from 5 percent in 1960 to 33 percent today.

As dramatic, is the number of couples repudiating marriage in favor of
non-marital cohabitation. In the last two decades this non-marital status
number has increased three times. Similarly, the number of female headed
households with children has risen from 3 million in 1970 to 8 million
today.

During the same three decade period (1970 to 2000) married couples with
children declined from 25.5 million to 25 million despite a 30 percent
increase in the total population. Among children who live with married
parents, only a little over half live with both biological parents; the rest
reside with a remarried biological parent or a step parent.

No matter where one stands politically, the retreat from marriage and
traditional family life cannot be treated as some innocuous shift in
lifestyle. This condition is having a profound effect on American life even
though the effects are infrequently commented on.

>From a Tocqevillian standpoint the family was one of those meditating
institutions essential in transmitting cultural traditions and the habits of
mind that result in good citizenship. If America is disunited it is due in
no small part to the breakdown in marriage and the surrogate parents tending
to children when mom is in the workplace.

Rather than serve as a center for repose and contentment, the family has
emerged as a battleground where divorced parents fight over child care
payments and visitation rights. "Leave It To Beaver" has been converted into
"War of The Roses."

Unfortunately the internal family battles often have a disintegrating
influence on the nation. For example, males born to unmarried mothers were
1.7 times more likely to be a criminal offender and 2.1 times more likely to
become a chronic offender than males born to married mothers. It is
instructive that 87 percent of those incarcerated in American prisons either
don't know who their father is or have not had any contact with fathers in
years.

Curiously as the family institution is threatened, gender politics has
become more extreme. Many radical feminists contend marriage is unnecessary
and left wing social critics define the family in increasingly
latitudinarian ways. It is not surprising that divorced women tend to be
more inclined to accept radical feminist views than married counterparts, a
clear line in the political sand.

The retreat from family life also has its manifestation in economic life.
Family disintegration is the gorge between rich and poor with rich people
more likely to emerge from stable families and poor people tending to be the
products of female headed families. The so-called haves and have - nots is
less a function of wealth than family life.

Family decay is unquestionably the number one social problem in America. Yet
many deny that reality arguing that newly won rights give women freedom they
never had before and society should not move backwards. Moreover, children
do not have a political voice. The self-fulfillment sought by mom or dad
might have a deleterious effect on their kids. But in an age of immediate
gratification the children are often lost in the calculus.

In the present zeitgeist even healthy, stable families are affected by the
social detritus around them. It is not as if family disunity can be
contained. Illegitimacy makes the schools less effective and the streets
less safe. The freedom for easy divorce often leads to the rupture of
friendship and neighborhood cohesion. And the specter of family disunity
encourages an unwillingness to commit and a fear of marriage and children.

Family disunity is the microcosm of national disunity. As families face
unraveling so too do the bonds that hold America together. If we are to
restore one nation indivisible, united by common threads, then we need
families intact, stable and united as well. We have gone down a path of
licentious self-absorption for decades and have paid the price with societal
flotsam and jetsam. As I see it the time has come to restore the family as
the center of American life and recognize its value in keeping us together.

Herbert London is president of Hudson Institute and the John M. Olin
Professor of Humanities at New York University. He is the author of Decade
of Denial, recently published by Lexington Books. You may visit Herb's
website at www.herblondon.org


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