Marriage Matters: The Little Things Matter Most - 4/1/03

[Smartmarriages ®]

subject: Marriage Matters: The Little Things Matter Most - 4/1/03

from: Smart Marriages®

RICHMOND PARENTS MONTHLY
Marriage Matters
The little things matter the most

> "Babies are loud about what they need. Marriages are not," Parr says. "It's
> easy to neglect each other because other things are more urgent, but you
> have to save some time and energy for your spouse."

This is a good article to forward to any parents in your circle. And notice
that everyone on the recommended reading list following this article is
presenting at Smart Marriages Reno. - diane

Barbara M. Ingber
Richmond Parents Monthly
Tuesday April 1, 2003

For Emily Fagan, it's the little things that her husband, Patrick, does each
day that show he cares.

"Every morning before work, he brings the newspaper into the house. He lets
me stay in bed on weekends. He uses lunch breaks to help out with
transporting the children," says Emily about Patrick.

It's those thoughtful things that this husband and wife do for each other
that Emily says have kept their marriage strong after nine years and two
children (ages 5 and 3).

The Fagans of Richmond find themselves on the happy side of some pretty sad
statistics. From January through December, in 1999 alone, 31,729 divorces
were recorded in Virginia, according to the National Center for Health
Statistics. 

Divorce Magazine found that one million children each year were involved in
new divorces nationwide (as of 1997). The figures haven't been compiled yet
for 200l and 2002, but nearly half of the couples marrying today can expect
to be divorced within 10 years. Living together "happily ever after"
continues to be nothing more than a fairy-tale dream for millions of
families. 

When baby makes three ...
A solid, stable relationship between partners is especially important when
children enter the picture, according to Sherry Finneran, MS Ed.,
co-director and consultant at the Family Education Center, for two reasons:
"The first is because parents model how to have a loving relationship. The
second is because it's a lot more fun."

The catch is that along with the joy that children bring, their needs and
demands often raise to the surface and aggravate any pre-existing problems a
couple has experienced. Unresolved problems from your own childhood can
bubble up, threaten and even sink a relationship.

If you know anyone who dreamed that having a child would cure an ailing
marriage, you no doubt understand the problem. That is, with every
additional member of your household, there's more stress on those already
there. 

Jesse Rabinowitz, Ph.D., director of Psychological Services at Jewish Family
Services, says children present big challenges and an often difficult
transition for a marriage.

"Parenthood can be an isolating experience, particularly if the other parent
is working, [because] support networks have thinned out [and] we don't have
family nearby," explains Rabinowitz. "Couples have less time together. Sleep
deprivation leads to greater difficulties in negotiating the emotional
terrain of a relationship. People feel neglected because (an utterly
dependent) baby soaks up so much nurturing and energy."

The period following a baby's birth can be a "dangerous time" for a
marriage, according to Dalia Cohen, MS, LPC, and certified Imago therapist.
She often sees clients for the first time after they've had a child. "People
have affairs. The woman is bonding with the child, and the man is feeling
that he's not important or useful," she says. Some are "insecure and afraid
of repeating patterns."

If you're suffering from abuse and/or insurmountable depression, engaged in
constant arguments and fights, uncovering or participating in an
extramarital affair, your marriage is quite obviously crying out for help.
Sometimes trouble can be less apparent, but just as important to address and
resolve (with your partner or with the aid of a professional).

"Your marriage is in trouble if you feel alone in the relationship, you're
the only one doing things, you're not excited about your partner coming home
or you can talk to anyone but your spouse," says Cohen. A lack of
communication means the relationship is in jeopardy. The most dangerous sign
is if you just stop caring. "The opposite of love is not hate; it's
indifference." 

Time to talk?
What can couples do to avoid trouble, maintain and strengthen their
partnership? 

There's no magic. You've just got to make it a priority.

"Decide that you're not going to let [your relationship] go. Be committed to
making it work and to being in the marriage for the long haul," says Teresa
Parr, Parent Coaching Consultant, LLC.

"Babies are loud about what they need. Marriages are not," Parr says. "It's
easy to neglect each other because other things are more urgent, but you
have to save some time and energy for your spouse."

Making time for each other may not be easy, but it's essential. Schedule
time together just as you would a meeting. "Put it on your calendar," urges
Cohen. Even half an hour to talk and share your feelings will serve as a
tonic for your relationship.

Good communication is "the blood flow of the relationship," says Cohen. Tell
each other what you want and need without criticism or accusation. Avoid
using words such as "always" or "never."

Even when you disagree, "honor the differences" between you, says Finneran.
You do that by listening carefully and respectfully to your partner. Listen.
Suggest and discuss ideas. Then, make your decisions together.

James and Marianne Marcus (who asked that their real names not be used) have
been married for 15 years and have two sons, ages 10 and 12. "We make
decisions together about almost everything," says James. "We had very
different experiences growing up. Our values are similar, though, so by the
time we distill an issue, it's not hard to come to an agreement. We both
need to be disciplined, knowing we're coming from two different directions,
so that we reach a mutually satisfying decision."

Finneran advises scheduling 10 minutes of conversation per day, half an hour
to an hour per week for a "marriage meeting" to discuss schedules and
resolve conflicts and one weekly date.

If it sounds impossible, try to incorporate these times into your schedule,
one by one, little by little.

Time to reconnect?
Can't do a weekly date? How about going out twice a month for a meal or a
movie? Go bowling or play miniature golf.

Short of money? Take a walk together.

Can't leave your child? Take the baby with you when you go to a restaurant.
Ask relatives or friends to babysit. Switch childcare duties with other
parents or join a babysitting co-op.

If you can't escape the house for a date, reserve half an hour for each
other after the kids go to sleep. "Sit up when you crawl into bed instead of
lying down and falling asleep," Finneran advises.

"We try to get the kids in bed by 9 p.m," says Emily Fagan. "We watch TV and
veg out together." 

Get up early on a weekend morning to have coffee together. Allow the kids to
watch a video while you talk and snuggle. But please, there should be no
discussion of problems; this is your time to nurture each other.

"Set boundaries for the kids, so you have adult time," says Cohen.

Teach your little ones that when the door to Mommy and Daddy's room is
closed, they must knock. And they can enter only when you say so.

As the children mature and you feel comfortable leaving them with a
caregiver for a longer period, going away might be just the refresher your
marriage needs. 

Chris and Noelle Lavach left their 5-year-old daughter and almost 1-year-old
son in the care of Chris' parents while the couple took a much-needed 5-day
vacation in St. Croix. Despite initial concerns about being so far away from
the kids and spending money on themselves, their trip turned out to be more
worthwhile than they had anticipated.

"We had fun. We were getting along better. When we came back, we felt it was
something that had really benefited our family," Noelle says.

A little can mean a lot
When you're apart, keep in touch with your spouse by telephone, snail or
e-mail. 

Face to face, you don't always have to communicate with words. Sending
flowers or giving a box (or a bar) of a favorite candy can keep your romance
alive. Having sex or just hugging, touching and holding each other are other
ways to reassure, comfort, and love your partner.

Reassure each other, in word and deed. A new mother needs to know her
husband still finds her attractive. A new father wants to be sure he's not
the third wheel in the growing love affair between mother and baby.

Make an effort to look good for each other, even if you're exhausted. "Learn
from French women," Cohen says. "A quick wash under your arms, comb your
hair, dab on lipstick and perfume. You'll feel and look better."

No matter how old your kids are and how long your marriage has lasted, don't
take your spouse for granted. "Be mindful, loving, and forgiving," urges
Rabinowitz. 

Simple gestures, such as surprising each other with an offer of free time or
taking over a task your partner doesn't like, can revitalize a relationship.


"One day I was on the phone, telling a friend how much I hate unloading the
dishwasher. My husband overheard me and from then on, the dishwasher was
always emptied," Noelle Lavach says.

When your spouse does something thoughtful, make sure you recognize the
effort. Thank him. Tell him he's wonderful. Compliment him on how well he's
done at changing diapers, preparing a meal, cleaning the bathroom or
modifying his behavior in response to your needs or requests -- even if the
results are not perfect. Your positive response will en-courage him and make
him even more willing to continue to help out.

Make space, too
As important as it is to spend time together, you've got to nurture
yourself. "People need to charge their batteries," says Cohen. Allow each
other time and space to be alone and with friends, to read, take a class.

"Recognize that the person coming home from work might need a break," says
Rabinowitz, "and that the at-home spouse has also been hard at work."

Take turns doing kitchen chores and childcare duties, so that each of you
gets a chance to play or work at something on your own.

"On Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays, I take care of the kids, so my wife
can attend a yoga class she likes," James Marcus says.

The Marcuses have even structured their work to allow plenty of flexibility.
"I work out of home," James says, "so Marianne can work late or on weekends,
if she has to. I benefit, as well, because one of us is always at home to
deal with issues (such as a sick child having to be picked up from school).
There's no anxiety."

Parent together
In an ideal world, people would agree on and develop a parenting philosophy
and style long before they had children. In reality, however, most of us
don't know what we're in for, and tend to react to situations as they occur.


"Be proactive," says Parr. "Parent with intention, rather than by the seat
of your pants. Even if you lead parallel lives, you can maintain the same
vision and be part of the same team."

Again, you don't have to start out with the same perspective; you just have
to be willing to communicate, says Fineran. "You learn to consult each other
so the child gets the benefit of both parents' perspectives. Parents make a
mistake to think they always have to cave in to the other's way. There's
often a middle road. The only way to find out is if you're open minded."

Rabinowitz says parents should seek information and support, wherever they
can find it. Talk to friends about their parenting experiences. Join or
start a parenting group at your church or synagogue. Make connections with
other parents from your children's school or daycare center. Advo-cate for
family-friendly policies at your workplace.

Be sure to also schedule time for family fun and meetings.

According to Cohen, devoting time to your family might mean postponing some
personal gratification. It might mean saying no a lot more often than you'd
like. It might even mean turning down volunteer opportunities, until the
kids are old enough to participate.

Recommended Reading List:
 Harville Hendrix: Getting the Love You Want

 Linda Waite & Maggie Gallagher: The Case for Marriage: Why Married People
Are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially

 Pam Jordan, Scott Stanley & Howard Markman: Becoming Parents: How to
Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Grows


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