For most people, divorce doesn't solve problems - Bender - 9/18/02

Thu Sep 19 05:14:03 EDT 2002

subject: For most people, divorce doesn't solve problems - Bender - 9/18/02

from: Smart Marriages

Look at this wonderful article written by our own Sandra Bender and
published in her home town paper, the Cleveland Plain Dealer. Sandra says
she sent the Plain Dealer an article published on the list and suggested
they print it.  Told them they never print anything positive about marriage.
They countered with an offer to her to write something.  She says if she can
do it, so can you. ta dah!  - diane

Cleveland Plain Dealer

For most people, divorce doesn't solve problems

09/18/02

Sandra G. Bender

Sally and Paul, married 45 years, are in Greece celebrating their 70th
birthdays. They behave like young lovers, caressing each other with little
notice that others are watching.

They have lived frugally and invested well for this stage of their lives.
They care tenderly for each other and for family and friends, having learned
to listen well. It was not always so. Forty years ago, Paul spent most days
and evenings in his lab, establishing himself as a research scientist. Sally
stayed in their small house with three energetic boys, feeling as though her
brain were turning to mush.

Both were desperately lonely. Paul had affairs. Sally was bitterly angry.
They invested a small fortune in counseling. Their misery lasted 10 years
until Sally went to graduate school.

Was it worth staying together? Their answer is, "Without a doubt, yes!" In
fact, the lessons learned from their suffering have enhanced their lives.

In my 31 years as a marriage counselor, many unhappy people have asked,
"Should I get divorced?" People usually get divorced because they think they
will be happier. Analyzing data from the National Survey of Families and
Households, Linda J. Waite, Don Browning and other researchers reported in
"Does Divorce Make People Happy?" that most people who get divorced are not
happier, even five years later. Age, race, education, income, parental
status and the person's normal happiness did not account for the results.
The exception is the 21 percent of people who divorce because of a
physically violent relationship; they felt relief after divorce.

Even more startling, two-thirds of unhappily married adults who stayed
married reported that they were happily married five years later. And the
couples who were the most unhappy and stayed married had the most dramatic
turnaround; 78 percent of them went from very unhappy to happily married in
five years.

The researchers collected stories about why they stayed and how they turned
their marriages around. Many were motivated to stay because of commitment to
personal, practical and moral considerations, not marital happiness. People
were deterred by the high financial cost of divorce. Almost half of women
with children become poor after divorce. Many wives stayed for the benefit
of the children, but did not think marriage was necessary to being a mother.
However, many men saw marriage as essential to their participation in their
children's lives. Fathers were concerned about what might happen to their
children with other men coming into the home. They saw divorce as a worse
alternative to an unhappy marriage.

People found renewed marital happiness in three ways:

They simply waited for time to pass. One wife said, "Just ride it out, and
try not to bitch so much." Eventually, jobs, children or situations
improved.

They worked on their marriages, often with the help of family or clergy.
Helpers often pressured men to be more attentive and communicative. Men,
more reluctant to seek help, often preferred clergy to marriage counselors
because they did not trust that counselors would support the marriage. In
fact, unhappy wives and husbands wanted assistance from someone who believed
in their marriage, not a neutral party, as many counselors tend to be.

Unhappy individuals changed their lives rather than the marriage. Happiness
with the marriage improved when spouses invested in a career or developed
interests and friendships outside the marriage.

A psychologist cannot predict what will happen to you if you divorce or stay
married. However, here are the odds of finding happiness in marriage:

Divorce can improve your situation if you are in a physically violent
marriage. If you are unhappily married, you have a 66 percent chance of
becoming happy if you stick out that marital speed bump compared to a 20
percent chance if you get divorced. If you were happily married five years
ago, as three quarters of divorcing people report, you may be in for a
dramatic decrease in well-being after divorce. Chances are that staying
married is more likely to make you happy than divorce.

Bender is executive director of the Marriage Coalition based in Cleveland
Heights. The booklet, "Does Divorce Make People Happy?" is available from
the Institute for American Values, 212-246-3942.

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