Stepfamily/Movies/Lousy Day/Foster Grandparents/TN/Germany/WA - 9/02

[Smartmarriages ®]

subject: Step trng/Movies/Lousy Day/Foster Grandparents/TN/Germany/WA - 9/02

from: Smart Marriages

STEPPING TOGETHER: SMART STEPS FOR STEPFAMILIES TRAINING:

Stepping Together: Smart Steps for Stepfamilies
If you missed this training opportunity at Smart Marriages, here's another
chance. Oct. 5th, Francesca Adler-Baeder will present the same
training she did at the Smartmarriages© conference in Washington D.C.
This program is great for family life educators, extension personnel,
clergy, school counselors, therapists etc. The training will be held in Fort
Collins, Colorado (about 60 miles north of Denver). Cost is $125
which includes the $150 training manual that gives you everything you need
to offer this group to stepfamilies in your community. Download a brochure
at www.beyond-divorce.com, e-mail Jean McBride at cdr at frii.com or call the
Center for Divorce & Remarriage at 1.866.494.1237 to request a brochure or
further information. Two days of training for therapists and other
professionals working with stepfamilies also available. Sponsored by the
Stepfamily Association of America.

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VIDEO PACKAGE:

> Hi Diane,
> What was the cost of all the videos at the conference?
> Kathleen Schmaltz
> Parenting Resources Coordinator/FRC
> NDSU Extension Service

The complete package is $169.  You can get these on video or on CD/DVD for
the same price.  Includes all 16 keynote sessions, the Covey banquet, and
the interfaith service.  Order at 800-241-7785.  Package 752v.  - diane

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MOVIES? 

I love your newsletter.  I work as a counselor for the Navy and I need to
find a list of movies related to marriage to use in a program for Navy wives
and maybe also couples.  I'm planning a "Wednesday Matinee" theme with
popcorn, etc in the base theatre and a short discussion and related handout
on marriage at the end. I ordered the Smart marriages conference tapes and
want to use excerpts from them where they would be congruent with the
subject of the movies.  Any ideas of movie selections would be most
appreciated.  I'm not much into movies personally so I don't have much
background to draw from.
Thanks.  Marina Davis

I hope you've ordered the tape of the session by Tom Rinkoski #752-515.
It's filled to the brim with movie suggestions and ideas. (I've listened to
the tape and can highly recommend this session to all of you.)  I also hope
you've clicked on the movie guide to "The Story of Us" on the
www.smartmarriages.com web site.  - diane

################

FOSTER GRANDPARENTS??:

Dear Diane, 

I loved reading about your "Gramma Week".  I am so jealous because I only
have grandpuppies and no grandchildren in sight.  When my children were
young, my parents were instrumental in helping me get through the early
childhood years by giving my husband and I some much needed breaks.  My
parents were always willing to do a long weekend here and there and if I
recollect, even a week now and then.  My husband and I were young, immature
parents, who knew even back then, that in order for our marriage to be
revived, let alone survive financial hardships and layoffs, that we needed
romance more often than not.

I'd love to be able to help out some married couples just as if they were my
kids.  In fact, I was thinking of advertising my services as a "foster
grandma" with visiting privileges and all.  I even come with FBI clearance
papers (that I needed to get when I did an internship for my Masters
degree)!  Do you think anyone might be interested in foster grandparents?  I
know there must be young couples out there with no parents or none living
hereby.  I'd be interested in what others out there think about this
concept. 

Beverly Stern (Maryland)

It's true, you're right to be jealous.  I'm back and there is nothing like
holding a chubby toddler or talking to a five year old about her first week
of first grade to renew the spirit.  I'm renewed.  And, so are my kids.  My
daughter-in-law was clearly aglow and eager to jump back into her mommy
shoes.  And, judging by my email there are lots of couples out there who are
jealous because they don't have parents who can take their kids for a long
weekend, or week.  If anyone has made this work, or has ideas pro or con,
let us know.  - diane

#################

GOTTA LOVE THE PUNCH LINE:

Marriage on a lousy day.

Dear Diane,  Here's another example of a marriage stumbling stone.  Nate and
I took a pastor and her husband for a sail on our sailboat.  We had trained
this couple in Recreating Marriage.  Somehow, Nate accused me of something
that I thought was pretty small--like not following the procedure for
turning on the engine.  Sailboats will bring out any possible difference.  I
was obviously right about whatever it was.  I calmly explained my position.
He calmly explained his.  In a very reasonable tone, each of us brought out
evidence for our side.  We escalated and irritation and frustration mounted.
We knew we were in front of people we were mentoring.  But we were gripped
with this thing and couldn't stop.  I just knew my next statement would
enlighten Nate about my rightness.  I miscalculated my adversary.  This
conversation went on and on for what seemed like a very long time and cast a
noxious smell about the evening. Finally, our friends asked, "When do you do
reflective listening?"  We all laughed.  I said, "As soon as I am convinced
that I can't win."

Nate and I still argue.  However, we know that as soon as one of us wants to
stop, we can say, "Will you reflective listen to me?" and the thing will be
resolved in 10 minutes.  This is the difference in being skilled and
unskilled.  Skilled people still behave ineffectively.  However, we can
change to effective behavior when we choose to do so, whereas, unskilled
partners are often unable to come to resolution and reconciliation.

Sandra G. Bender, Ph.D.
Executive Director The Marriage Coalition
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118
Phone and Fax:  216-321-5274

#####################
WASHINGTON STATE 10 YEAR PLAN:

Boldly responding to the large and growing body of research, Families
Northwest is embarking on a ten-year strategic campaign. The statewide,
community-based Northwest Marriage  Family Movement will mobilize
communities to increase marital success and enhance marital and family
health. The ultimate goal is to become the state with the nation's highest
marriage rate and lowest rate of divorce.

Click here <http://www.familiesnorthwest.org/dynpage.cfm?DPID=319>  to read
"The Northwest Marriage  Family Movement: Strategy Blueprints for Families
Northwest's Ten-Year Cultural Campaign."


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PARENTING YOUNG ADULTS THROUGH THE TRANSITION:

Diane, 
One of the greatest things parents can do to ³parent young adult kids² is to
model a healthy marriage. In our work with Second Half and empty nest
couples, we encourage parents to do all they can to maintain positive
relationships with their young adult kids, but that they need to ³let go²
and reconnect on an adult level. Sometimes when the marriage isn¹t healthy,
parents‹especially moms‹keep the focus on their adult children and offer too
much ³parenting² advice which tends to drive them away. At this stage, you
really parent more by example and through the relationship. One of the
greatest gifts you can give your young adult child is to refocus on your
marriage and be a living example of what you want for them when they marry.
David & Claudia Arp
www.marriagealive.com

Hello Lindsey,
    We have been members of a small home prayer group
with this theme for about 10 years.  Just being able to
share with other couples was great, because sometimes you
feel like you are going it alone.
    Our group currently consists of 9 couples, each who have
1-5 children, ages 18 to 30.  When something is shared in this
group, there is always a set of parents who have "been there
done that."  We share prayer needs about our children, we
know their names and ages and spouses.  Each new member
to our group adds photos of their children to a group album.
    The toughest time for me was when our daughter was
cohabiting.  Our group was able to sympathize and give advice
when I asked for it.  They helped me to "hate the sin but love
the sinner," and I am sure that my good relationship with my
daughter today is a result of taking that advice.
  
    The first study book we used was "When Your Kids
Aren't Kids Anymore:Parenting Late-Teen and Adult Children,"
by Jerry & Mary White, published by Navpress, ISBN 0-89109-642-6.

Dick & Carol Cronk, Lay Directors
Christian Life Center Marriage Builders Ministry
Dayton, OH
937-890-7078
email cronkra at erinet.com
 
#################
TENNESSEE LETTER TO EDITOR:

Dear Editor:

"Rocky Honeymoon" on the front page of the August 19th paper reflects the
attitude for which Tennesseans have become known‹do not get to the root of
the problem and implement prevention procedures, take stop gap measures and
hope for the best.  The legislature struggles shaping the laws that govern
our state and when they finally pass legislation that will help to restore
the importance of having a solid marriage, we undermine the step forward
through articles such as this.  Since the law took effect on July 4th, there
has been little time to formulate a clear picture of what effect this new
legislation may have. By drawing premature conclusions, you sabotage
something that may strengthen not only families, but the very foundation of
the state.

Your article quoted a number of ministers who stated they were
"uncomfortable with people I don¹t know."  Premarital education is not
counseling-- it is education.  Ministers who feel uncomfortable educating
people about how to have a successful marriage should refer those couples to
the Marriage Education Seminars offered by  qualified marriage educators.
Many couples have the mistaken idea that attending  premarital education
will jeopardize their relationship. Nothing could be further from the
truth‹the purpose of  marriage education is to give couples tools to create
a healthy, successful relationship.  In the four hour session, couples look
at how to enhance communication, resolve conflict, make parenting decisions,
and understand the financial behaviors that make a family financially
secure. 

Premarital education is definitely a step in the right direction.  Instead
of continuing to depreciate the value of having a great marriage, let¹s
elevate marriage and the family to the position in society that it should
rightfully occupy.

Cheryl Malone Robinson, Ph.D., CFCS, CFLE
Department of Human Ecology
The University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
####################
GERMAN DIVORCE AT ALL TIME HIGH:

Divorce German-style hits a record

27 August 2002

WIESBADEN - More Germans divorced last year than ever before, federal
statisticians said Tuesday, and a leading family expert said it was because
they had an unrealistic idea of happiness.

The courts dissolved 197,500 German marriages in 2001, up 1.6 per cent from
a year before, and double the number three decades ago.

Divorce German-style is granted automatically if a couple have been
separated for a year: They can even live in the same apartment while they
wait, provided they sleep apart and have no family meals together.

Wassilos Fthenakis, who studies families, told Deutsche Presse- Agentur dpa,
"People are desperately searching for intimacy and want the maximum
happiness."

That was unrealistic and impossible to maintain in a relationship lasting
decades.

The only way to reduce divorce rates was to prepare people with a more
realistic view of marriage, said Fthenakis, head of the Institute of Early
Learning in Munich.

But a divorce-court judge, Juergen Borchert, offered another explanation:
fathers working long hours to beat poverty and mothers being trapped in the
home with the kids.

"That easily leads to dissatisfaction", he said.

###############


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6th annual Smart Marriages conference/Washington, DC
July 9 - 16, 2002  http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

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Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW,   Washington, DC 20015-1961
www.smartmarriages.com  202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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