Health mirror/misinformation/Angry rockers/same-sex/leaving home -9/3/02

Wed Sep 4 08:23:56 EDT 2002

subject: Health/misinformation/Angry rockers/same-sex/leaving home -9/3/02

from: Smart Marriages®

PARTNERS IN HEALTH:

USA TODAY, September 3, 2002

Study: Marriage builds partners in health

Over time, marriage partners tend to mirror each other's health. Or to put
it more precisely, sick people tend to be married to other sick people, a
study from Brigham Young University says.  Researcher Sven Wilson used
lifestyle and demographic information on 4,700 couples in their 50s for the
Health and Retirement Study, a database run by the National Institute on
Aging.  His team assessed overall health using three diagnostic measures.
Wilson found that the health of one spouse is as strong a predictor of the
other spouse's general health and well-being as education and economic
status, two proven health indictors.  Results are not too surprising, he
says; people tend to choose someone like themselves to marry and then make
similar lifestyle choices after the wedding bells such as decisions about
diet, smoking and alcohol.  They also live in the same physical and
emotional environment, are exposed to the same air quality and household
germs, and share emotional stresses, such as problems with kids.  Results
will be in the September issue of Social Science and Medicine.
####################

MARRIAGE MISINFORMATION:
Diane, 
Here is a comment I  sent to CBS Sat. Morning Show which reported that
marriage benefits men but there is no evidence that marriage has any
benefits to women. - Bob

> OOPS....
> Your "Marriage Expert" is ill informed. On Sat 8/21 you reported that
> there was evidence that marriage was good for men but none that it was
> good for women. The truth is that there is an abundance of recent
> research by a variety of sources which contradicts that P.C. comment. It
> is now widely accepted by social scientists that Women enjoy the same
> benefits of marriage as men, like greater happiness, better sex, more
> health and economic benefits; PLUS they are much less likely to suffer
> domestic violence if they are married! The below site lists a number of
> those Research Reports from sources like U of chicago and Rutgers
> University amongst others:
> http://www.smartmarriages.com/marriage.reports.html    Of particular
> note is a summary of research called Marriage Matters: 21 Conclusions
> from Social Science based largely on U of Chicago Researchers.
> Irresponsible reporting of anti marriage myths is a BIG PART OF THE
> PROBLEM.
> I challenge you to be part of the solution which I know you want to be.
> Please look for opportunities to report on marriage from a more positive
> light... Marriage Matters and is a very important part of our social
> fabric.
> Thank you for correcting this report!
> 
> Sincerely Bob Ruthazer
> Director, Marriage Builders Alliance of Richmond
> Marriage Savers Mid Atlantic Consultant

Go Bob!!
##############
SAME-SEX VOWS:

USA TODAY September 3, 2002

'Times' runs first same-sex vows notice

The New York Times ran its first notice of a same-sex union on its
Weddings/Celebrations pages Sunday.  The exchange of vows was between Daniel
Gross, a vice president of GE Capital, and Steven Goldstein, owner of a New
York public affairs consulting firm, in North Hero, Vt.  The move has
inspired dozens of other newspapers to publish gay and lesbian unions.
###############

WHY ARE AMERICA'S ROCK BANDS SO ANGRY?:

"Because their  moms and dads got
divorced." That's the conclusion of an article in the August issue of
Blender, a popular music magazine. In it, William Shaw writes about the
remarkable number of rock bands  that sing about family breakup and how
these songs ``reflect the zeitgeist of an age group coping with the highest
marital-breakdown rate ever recorded in America."

This article appears in a magazine that clearly cannot be accused of having
a pro-marriage ideological axe to grind (e.g., the issue also includes a
cover story on ``The Greatest Shaggers in Rock History"). Here you have
Judith Wallerstein interviewed alongside of punk and hard rock artists, all
of them essentially making the same argument: divorce is often painful for
children, and its effects linger.

The story also reveals a split in how divorce and father absence are
treated in pop culture. Yes, much of pop culture, especially  television
(Friends, Sex & the City, Gilmore Girls, etc.), is rather dismissive of the
negative effects of fatherlessness. But this stuff is usually fictional  and
comes from Hollywood writers.

But when family breakdown is addressed by musicians  writing about their own
experiences -- the impact of divorce and father absence in their own actual
lives -- the truth comes out, in songs like Stay Together for the Kids by
Blink-182, Broken Home by Papa Roach, Father of Mine by Everclear, and Too
Bad by Nickelback. Posted by Tom Sylvester, 8-9-02.

This is from the Marriage BLOG - to read the family scholars marriage
movement BLOG, go to:
http://www.marriagemovement.org/
#################
Diane,

While attending the Smart Marriages conference I decided to create an email
group of people involved in or interested in Catholic Marriage Ministry.

It's still in the process of being setup but in the interim we've had a
couple of questions with responses. One relates to transitions (in this case
children leaving mother and father) and might be helpful to the student
volunteer Lindsey Rzepkowski. One of the members asked this question on
behalf of a priest she knows. The query and responses follow...

Also, if anyone on the Smartmarriages list is interested in belonging to
this email group they can contact me at:
mailto:mcolwill at rcav.bc.ca

Myrna Colwill
Marriage Preparation Coordinator
Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Vancouver
mailto:mcolwill at rcav.bc.ca

THE PRIEST'S QUERY:

"One thing I would like to think more about is the notion of
leaving father and mother. I have thought a little about that from the
perspective of what it involves, how it happens, how it might happen
differently for married couples and for those who remain single. How is it
just part of the human journey towards adult maturity"

Thanks for your consideration!
Blessings,
Linda

THE RESPONSES:

A little book which I have given engaged couples is Leaving Home by Herbert
Anderson & Kenneth Mitchell. It is part of a great series entitled "Family
Living in Pastoral Perspective". Other titles are Becoming Married;
Regarding Children; Promising Again; and Living Alone.

They are written from a family systems perspective, written for those who
are going through major lifecycle transitions, and are a help to both the
one asking for guidance and the minister. The books are listed on Amazon
(the common author in the series is Herbert Anderson. He has several
co-authors.

Winnie
---------------------

There are many different strategies concerning leaving, all dependent upon
age of person leaving, ages of "adults" and circumstances of leaving. For
instance, I would treat young men and women leaving for college completely
different than I would young adults leaving to get married. All this is
certainly different than parents grieving the loss of a son or daughter who
has run away. Many of us can recall the first letting go when the child goes
off to pre-school. Or, now the crying that is so much a part of the
transition to child care. In all things the approach to all these situations
involves two major things: preparation and grieving the loss (change) of
parenting roles. Parents need to do advance preparation work for all these
moments of transition. Negative reactions to these transitions are often due
to fear and grief over impact in their lives. In this children do not get
the support they need. These transitions of "leaving" are not much more than
more public manifestations of many little leavings that have been going on
in the children's lives. If parents work each one of these previous
transitions well, they and the children will be prepared.

---------------------

Since I don't know Fr.'s background, I'll assume he is interested in
learning about different ways to look at the issue of adult transitions, and
so possibly to help people he's working with to move through those
transitions if they are stuck. Since I'm a social worker, I tend to look at
it from a family systems and developmental psychology background. A lot of
concepts from those disciplines are embedded in our marriage prep programs.
But there are so many resources on the subject it's kind of hard to narrow
down what would be helpful. I looked a little on the internet and found some
pages that are a helpful introduction. Some different developmental tasks,
schools of family systems theory, how to develop a genogram, family
developmental stages. Let me know if it doesn't fit what you're looking for.
Have a great day.

Linda

Erikson's developmental stages
<http://www.hcc.hawaii.edu/intranet/committees/FacDevCom/guidebk/teachtip/er
ikson.htm>

Understanding adolescents:The Tasks
<http://pubs.cas.psu.edu/freepubs/pdfs/ui358.pdf>

Adolescent development
<http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/adolescent_facts.htm>

"Families are the primary influence in our lives":(Although actually for
another purpose, this site has a neat little explanation of family as system
and nice site for learning about genograms. Some of the links to sites
explaining family systems theory are not helpful, in my opinion. I would
ignore them. Some of the books and articles may be of interest.)
<http://genogram.freeservers.com/HTML/background.html>

Family Systems theory Brief explanation
<http://web.pdx.edu/~cbcm/CFS410U/FamilySystemsTheory.pdf>

Stages of the Family LifeCycle Jay Haley
<http://www.families-and-therapy.com/html/life_cycle.html>

Brief description of Virginia Satir and explanation of family rules and
change in families
<http://www.scs.unt.edu/classes/RHAB/5300/Family_Systems_Theory.htm>

Pastoral Care and Family Systems Theory
<http://www.luthersem.edu/rwallace/pastoral_care_and_family_systems.htm>

> -----Original Message-----
> From: owner-smartmarriages at lists.his.com
> [mailto:owner-smartmarriages at lists.his.com]On Behalf Of Smartmarriages®
> Sent: Friday, August 30, 2002 8:55 AM
> To: cmfce list
> Subject: Gramma week/marriage skits/finances/The Best Gift Ever -8/30/02
> 
> 
> PARENTING YOUNG ADULTS:
> 
> Dear Diane Sollee,
> 
> I was a student volunteer at this year's conference and I am about to start
> work on my thesis.  I am interested in developing a program for parents of
> young adults (18 - 25) and how to parent children through this transition
> period.  This idea was inspired by this years conference and I was wondering
> if you were aware of any existing programs or if you could provide contact
> information for a person who would know of any programs that address this
> topic?
> Sincerely,
> Lindsey Rzepkowski
> Rzpooh at hotmail.com
> 301-477-1318
> 
> Lindsey,
> My first thought went to Frank Pittman's keynote remark that we're not
> raising chimpanzees, so our marriages need to last longer than 4 years no
> mater what the social anthropologists are telling us. He said his kids were
> nearing 40 and still needed parenting.
> 
> Next I thought of adaptations of the youth/school programs or the existing
> parenting programs, but bet there's something better than that.   Let's ask
> the list.
> Diane

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6th annual Smart Marriages conference/Washington, DC
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Diane Sollee, Director
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