On Marriage - Julie Baumgardner - 5/29/02

Wed May 29 18:07:44 EDT 2002

subject: On Marriage - Julie Baumgardner - 5/29/02

from: Smart Marriages

This series of article appeared in the Chattanooga Times Free Press from
April 14 to May 12.  It's a great way to do it - following one couple as
they work through their challenges including filing for divorce.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a
research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families
through education, collaboration and mobilization.  She'll present a keynote
and workshop at Smart Marriages in July and be part of the grassroots panel
on Sunday.  

I'm sharing these to inspire you to write similar articles for your local
newspapers.  Or, maybe you could suggest that they reprint this series.  For
reprint permission contact Julie at julieb at firstthings.org.
- diane 

On MarriageŠ
By Julie Baumgardner

Mark and Lori Kuebler know what it means to go through trials and
tribulations in a marriage.  Before reaching their first anniversary, they
had separated twice.  By their third anniversary they would separate again
and Lori would file for divorce.  If you asked either of them to speculate
on the longevity of their marriage, both of them would tell you there was
not much hope that the marriage would survive.

    "We met at church and dated for 8 or 9 months before we were married,"
said Lori Kuebler.  "Mark had been married before and brought two boys, ten
and six with him to the marriage.  We went through premarital counseling and
learned a lot of good skills.  The only problem was, we didn¹t put them into
practice when the going got tough.  Our first year of marriage was like a
war zone."

    Mark and Lori, along with thousands of other couples, learned pretty
quickly that it takes more than being in love with someone to make a
relationship work.  It takes skills and the willingness to put those skills
into practice in every aspect of the marriage.

"I think our biggest downfall was communication," said Mark Kuebler.  "We
argued about anything and everything.  Both of us are very stubborn and hard
headed.  The environment was such that it was almost a contest to see who
could have the last word when we argued.  I think it was the fact that we
never resolved any of our arguments that led to our third and final
separation."

    As a last resort, Mark and Lori decided to attend a marriage enrichment
workshop hosted by Gary Smalley conference to see if they could glean
anything to save their marriage.

    "To be perfectly honest, both of us were totally closed when we arrived
at the conference," said Mark.  "We were just going through the motions
because we had already paid for the tickets.  We didn¹t even stay for the
whole thing.  The following Monday I went to work and Lori called her dad
and told him he needed to get over to the house with the truck because she
couldn¹t take it any more."

"I knew divorce wasn¹t the answer, but in my head I thought that might be
the only way to deal with this situation," said Lori. "It was during this
separation that I actually filed for divorce.  My parents were shocked.
Both of us come from homes with long-term married parents.  My parents were
supportive of me, but they both said, ŒMarriage is a struggle regardless and
you can¹t just say I don¹t want to be married to this person anymore.¹  To
which I responded, ŒYou don¹t know what I have to live with here.¹  Both of
them encouraged me to seek help."

    Mark and Lori were both open to going to counseling.  The only problem
was, neither of them were open at the same time.

    "After Lori moved out, I began to remember some of the things that
Smalley talked about at the conference.  Surprised that I actually recalled
anything, I became convicted that I needed to work at our marriage and do
everything possible to get Lori back."

After going to marriage counseling for a couple of months, Lori moved back
home.  Both Lori and Mark now recognize that they need to resolve their
conflicts.  For them, it doesn¹t matter who is right and who is wrong  they
just need to get to the bottom of it and move on.

"It was hard for me to forget things that had happened," said Lori.  "What I
learned through counseling is that holding a grudge hurts you in the long
run as well as the other person.  When you have unforgiveness nobody wins."
All couples experience moments of conflict and anger.  According to marriage
experts, too many marriages end before couples have the opportunity to
experience forgiveness and reconciliation.

Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a
research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families
through education, collaboration and mobilization.  She can be reached at
julieb at firstthings.org.

################
Irreconcilable Differences
By Julie Baumgardner

Irreconcilable differences is the excuse many couples use for divorcing.
Mark and Lori  Kuebler found that they had more differences than things in
common.  They could have easily used irreconcilable differences as grounds
for ending their marriage.  Instead, they chose to take what was working
against their marriage and make it work for their marriage.

     "It almost became a game to see who could have the last word or end up
being right," said Mrs. Kuebler about their relationship, which was on the
brink of divorce. 

"A couple¹s mindset about conflict and how they resolve conflict is the
single most significant predictor of whether or not a marriage can thrive,"
said Janet Bales, Marriage Educator and Counselor. "What couples often don¹t
understand about conflict is that it is not about having the last word. It
is about taking the time to understand where the other person is coming from
and the willingness to deal with the issues at hand in a constructive way."
According to the 2002 Hamilton County Marriage Report, money is the number
one area of conflict for couples followed by sex, children, in-laws and
work.

"Although most couples usually experience conflict in the same areas, the
majority of conflicts are not always about the issues that are on the
table," said Ms. Bales.

"It is usually about deeper, hidden issues such as recognition, control,
commitment, respect or integrity and caring.  For example, although a couple
may be arguing about money, the real underlying issue might be their
individual feelings about money and what it represents to them.  Perhaps
he/she is thinking about who is in control of the finances or if their
spouse respects their opinion about where money should be spent.  Until the
couple understands what money means to each of them individually, they will
have difficulty resolving conflicts about financial issues.

"The way in which couples attempt to resolve conflict often is based on what
they have learned growing up. Techniques, such as the silent treatment or
running away, are ineffective and tend to create more conflict. Couples who
recognize that they have learned poor techniques can become skillful by
learning new, more effective methods which will allow them to resolve the
conflict at hand and move on."

Ms Bales works to help couples understand that conflict is about trying to
get needs met. If you feel like you are in constant conflict with your
spouse Ms. Bales suggests the following:

ß First, both parties must agree to cool off and discuss the issue in a calm
manner.

ß Second, make sure you are at a safe place and have agreed upon rules that
will provide the structure and safety to deal with these highly emotional
issues.  Deal with one issue at a time.

ß Third, identify the issue that is at the heart of the conflict, which
means you have to be committed to listening to each other about the issue.
This is not problem solving  you are LISTENING.

ß Fourth, understand each other¹s history about the issue. One couple argued
constantly about their daughter getting her driver¹s license.  On the
surface the issue was about the driver¹s license.  The deeper, hidden issue
was that her father had been a policeman and insurance agent and was very
concerned about the well being of his daughter.

ß Finally, brainstorm ways to resolve the conflict.

Don¹t expect this process to happen overnight. Sometimes issues are truly
irreconcilable and couples must agree to disagree. Statistics show that 60
percent of arguments are unresolvable. It is the way that couples handle the
disagreement that makes the difference in a healthy and an unhealthy
relationship. 

The Kuebler¹s recognized that it is about being a team.  A true win/win
means that their marriage is going to work because they are focused on the
good of the team and not individual gain.

#################
Anger in Marriage
By Julie Baumgardner

Mark and Lori Kuebler were planning to redecorate their home, but they did
not agree on how to accomplish the task.  At one point Lori made a
suggestion.  Mark responded by looking at her, laughing and saying, "Are you
serious?"  What started out as a small disagreement quickly escalated into a
blow out. 

"My feelings were hurt and I felt belittled," said Mrs. Kuebler.  "We ended
up not speaking to each other for several days."

 "In the last 20 years, I have worked with thousands of people to help them
learn how to appropriately deal with their anger," said Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D.
Founder of Life Skills International, which was developed to teach hurting
people the skills they should have learned in a balanced, loving home from
birth to 18 years of age.

    All of us have experienced the emotion of anger.   Because most people
have never been taught how to deal with anger constructively, people are
often confused about what to do with their anger.  According to many of the
latest movies, if a person is angry the appropriate response is to seek
revenge, which usually equates to violence.

Interestingly, research validates that 96 to 98 percent of what people get
angry about is rooted in childhood.

"When people have been wounded they tend to gravitate toward and marry a
person that they believe can fulfill the losses in their childhood," said
Dr. Hegstrom.  "For instance, a woman who grew up without a father might
gravitate toward someone older and seemingly wiser whom she believes can
help fill the void she is feeling.  Or a man who was never listened to as a
child might choose a mate that appears to be a good listener.

      "When their mate innocently does something to trigger emotions about
those childhood losses, instead of understanding what is at the heart of
their anger they become angry at their mate.  For example, a wife becomes
angry at her husband for arriving home 30 minutes late.  She is irate and he
doesn¹t understand why this is such a big deal.  Looking back at this lady¹s
childhood we find out that her parents divorced because her father was
having an affair and would frequently come in late.  Her anger stems from
fear that her husband might do the same thing to her BUT  this is never
discussed.  Anger is always a secondary reaction to a primary feeling."

    In order to get control over anger, Dr. Hegstrom encourages individuals
to identify how their parents and grandparents handled anger.  What kind of
losses did you experience during childhood?

The next step is to identify what anger is and where it is coming from. Is
it rooted in feelings of hurt, invalidation, frustration, fear, anxiety,
helplessness, hopelessness, inadequacy, guilt, etc.?  These are trigger
points.

    Once a person knows their trigger points, instead of always reacting
with anger they can step back, take a time out and say, "This is how I
responded to what you said. Is that what you meant?"  When couples stop to
discuss the little things, they are resolving conflict versus reacting.

    "When individuals begin to deal with childhood issues they begin to grow
and heal in these areas," said Dr. Hegstrom.  "This process takes time.
Many couples expect too much, too quick without any work.  The value of a
relationship is always greater than the conflict of the moment.  If a person
is teachable the issues are fixable."

    A couple of weeks ago the Kueblers went on a trip with some friends.
Mark and Lori ended up having a disagreement.  The kids went swimming and
Mark and Lori stayed in the room.  After a period of silence both of them
looked at each other and said, "We need to settle this and move on."

"We actually talked without raising our voices and without getting angry,"
said Mrs. Kuebler.  "Once you realize you have come to that point where you
can talk without yelling at each other it feels so good.  When you are
yelling you are not going to get anything settled, you are just going to
make yourself even more angry.  When you recognize we need to do things
differently you realize you have accomplished something in your marriage."

##########
Forgiveness in Marriage
By Julie Baumgardner

"Every time Mark and I would fight we would always say we were sorry," said
Mrs. Lori Kuebler.  "Not that we really meant it.  A lot of times I think we
would say we forgive, but whatever happened was still in the back of our
minds.

According to relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis, the Kueblers struggle
to forgive is something many couples grapple with.

"I have worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their
relationships, but struggle with being able to forgive each other," said Ms.
Weiner-Davis.  "When they are offered tools to help them get past hurtful
incidents, they can¹t seem to move forward.  They refuse to let go of
grudges or give up score keeping.   They replay these grievances over and
over.  They are so busy rehashing that they don¹t take in the information
about forgiveness because they are so intent on being right.  Their negative
thoughts dominate their thinking.  No matter what they are doing, the
scoreboard is never too far from the surface.  This type of behavior is
extremely destructive to a marriage relationship.  Lack of forgiveness casts
a shadow over everything.  When you view life through the lense of
unforgiveness, your life becomes in essence like a black and white photo
instead of living color."

     The usual objections Ms. Weiner-Davis hears about forgiveness are, "If
I forgive it will send a message that I condone the behavior." Or "I can¹t
just forgive and forget."

"When I talk with couples I emphasize the fact that forgiveness is not about
condoning or forgetting," said Ms. Weiner-Davis.  "What separates us from
animals is the ability to think.  I believe it is very important that we not
forget.  We can learn from mistakes.  You will probably always remember the
particular injustice/s that drove you into your corner.  But what will
happen is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the
events begin to fade."

If you struggle with unforgiveness in your marriage relationship Ms.
Weiner-Davis suggests you consider the following:

ß Start out with some self-scrutiny  If you can honestly say that you have
never made a mistake then hold on to the grudge.  No one is perfect.  On the
other end of things, some people who are very hard on themselves are hard on
those around them.  People need to be more loving and compassionate toward
themselves and others.

ß For some people, it is necessary to hear "I am sorry" from their spouse.
If that is what you need, say so and graciously accept the apology. If you
have to ask for the apology that doesn¹t mean the apology is second rate.
ß Holding on to a grudges wastes precious time and energy.  It is exhausting
to feel resentment day in and day out.  It is bad for your health and hard
on your spirit.  

"Life is too short to stand around waiting for forgiveness to just happen,"
said Ms. Weiner-Davis.  "Decide to forgive and move on and you will create a
ripple effect of exponential changes in your life."

    For the Kuebler¹s forgiveness has been the key to making their marriage
work.  

"The last time we separated I was involved in a bible study at my church
called ŒLord, Change Me,¹" said Mrs. Kuebler.  "That was when I finally
realized I had to swallow my pride.   Instead of looking at all of the
things Mark needed to do to make our marriage better, I needed to focus on
changing me.  That was when I came to the conclusion that it was truly time
to forgive and move on. If I change then gradually things in our marriage
will change." 
###################
Reconciliation in Marriage
By Julie Baumgardner

After Lori Kuebler filed for divorce, she began to think about her marriage
to Mark.

"During this time, I realized two things about myself," said Mrs. Kuebler.
"First, I was being totally selfish.  All of my thoughts were focused on me.
Second, I realized that I really was not committed to our marriage.  This
brought me to the conclusion that if we were going to make the marriage work
we both had to be totally committed to each other.  Divorce would no longer
be an option.  I had to humble myself and let go of my pride and realize
that I made a commitment to God and this man and I didn¹t want to take it
lightly.  Instead of focusing on the past, I needed to focus on the present
and what our marriage had the potential to be.  My next step would be to ask
my husband to forgive me for leaving him."

"Forgiveness is a key factor in the reconciliation process," said Brad
Rymer, Certified Marriage and Family Reconciler.  "Forgiveness is giving up
your desire to see that person punished.  Unforgiveness is the poison we
drink to hurt somebody else.  Ultimately, it hurts the person who harbors
the bitterness rather than the person it is aimed toward.  Reconciliation on
the other hand, replaces hostility and separation with peace and friendship.
It is admitting failures and mistakes, and being willing to consider and
offer change in attitudes and behaviors that contribute to conflict in a
marriage."

During the reconciliation process, the Kueblers learned that they had to be
willing to look at their individual failures and mistakes in the
relationship.  Both of them had to be open to change.

"This process has been so amazing," said Mrs. Kuebler.  "We have learned a
lot about ourselves and each other.  Probably the most important insight has
been that you can¹t control another person.

"The only person you can control is yourself, so your focus has to be how
you can improve the relationship.  I finally recognized that Mark really
wasn¹t the problem. It was how we were handling things that caused the
problem.  Although we still had things to work out, our attitudes changed
and that has made all the difference."

"I think that couples should focus on attacking the problem not each other,"
said Mr. Rymer.  "Your goal should be to win the other person over, not win
over them.  The latter does not equal reconciliation, it just creates more
hostility and separation."

Couples who are looking for reconciliation in their relationship should
consider the following steps.

First, think about specific attitudes and behaviors you are doing that
contribute to the conflict.

Second, admit those attitudes and actions to your spouse at an appropriate
time.  This is not a talk you want to have when you are both tired and
hungry. 

Step number three is to apologize. Dr. David Seamands, a well-known marriage
counselor, says the twelve most important words in marriage are "I was
wrong.  I am sorry.  Please forgive me.  I love you."

Last, search for creative solutions that will improve your relationship.  We
generally try to solve the problem before we fully understand it  we get
the tip of the iceberg and run with it.  Try hard to understand the other
person¹s interest.  At this point, listening becomes more important than
speaking.  Listen until each person feels understood. By doing this you
stand a much greater chance of solving the problem and moving on.

"In order for a marriage to work you must communicate," said Mrs. Kuebler.
"You have to talk about the little things like leaving the cabinet door open
so the little things don¹t become big things. We still have problems to
overcome, but there is a security in knowing that we are both in it for the
long haul."  

**************************
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