Australia Marriage conference/Matchmaking/Death of Marriage/Methodists -7/18/02
cmfce at smartmarriages.com
Thu Jul 18 14:15:25 EDT 2002
subject: Australia Marriage conference/Matchmaking/Death of
from: Smart Marriages
> Just a note of thanks and admiration. We marvel at what a phenomenon you have
> created. As always, we appreciate your including us in the program and we look
> forward to next year.
> Wayne and Mary Sotile
So great to have you there! And glad I got to see you for a brief moment...
so many presenters come and go and I never even see them in the crowd!
It's amazing what we've all been able to do pulling together!
MARENC 2002: Attention all those interested in Relationship Education
Marriage & Relationship Education National Conference 2002 BRISBANE 27-29th
September - Spring in Brisbane, Australia.
Keynote speakers and 34 workshops will develop the theme of thriving,
surviving and resilience. Network with colleagues. For Info:
chodge at centacarebrisbane.net.au or http://www.mareaa.asn.au
Dating is dirty work
sometimes. We pay financial pros to make tough decisions about our money for
us, so why not seek the expertise of someone who can simplify our love
Would you pay $200K for the perfect mate? High-end matchmakers know that
some folks will plunk down small fortunes in the quest to find Real Love.
What's money got to do with it? Everything. By M.P. Dunleavey
I'm sitting across from Bonnie Winston at Balthazar, a swanky SoHo bistro in
Manhattan. We're eating hard-boiled eggs and talking about love. And how
much it costs to find it.
Winston, a 40-ish blonde, is the head of Winston West, a successful photo
agency with offices in New York and Beverly Hills. But that's not her
passion. "I've always been a matchmaker," she says. "I've been fixing up my
friends for 20 years."
Winston -- who claims to have helped set up Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates --
says that she's so good at what she does that she has decided to launch a
small matchmaking business on the side. "I just see so much money in it, to
be honest," Winston told me earlier on the phone. "Men and women will pay
anything to meet the right person."
She's not kidding. While Winston is charging a hefty $1,000 as her finder's
fee, elite matchmakers command fees that can range from $10,000 to $200,000.
When my friend Wendy, a fellow single gal, heard this, she was stunned. "I
paid thirty bucks to go to a Date Bait singles event at the 92nd Street Y,"
she says. "I want to know what these women get for $15,000."
It ain't personal, it's business Nobody likes to couch a topic as delicate
as love in the crass terms of finance, but the fact is that few things will
have more of an impact on your financial future, lifestyle and standard of
living than whom you choose to marry. Should the partnership fail, the
financial consequences are also heavy. Men stand to lose half their assets.
Women, especially if they have children or have left the workforce to raise
those children, can lose that much and often more.
As a 36-year-old woman who is both single and self-sufficient, I think about
this a lot. A few years ago, a friend of mine passed along some advice her
mother had given to her: "It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man
as a poor man." Hopeless romantic that I am, I was horrified. Meanwhile, my
friend married a guy with a trust fund and a sizable inheritance looming on
their now-shared horizon.
That doesn't mean I could ever shift my values and go fortune hunting, but
as your no-longer-innocent personal-finance columnist, I can't pretend that
love doesn't also have a bottom line.
. . . Especially now that I know what these matchmakers are charging.
Maria Mancini Matchmaker, who covers the Philadelphia-Delaware area, charges
$995 for a six-month membership, which includes at least six "introductions"
(as they're called in the biz). For an exclusive search, i.e., finding you a
match outside her private database, her price goes up to $5,000.
Moving on up, for a mere $10,000 you could retain the services of New
York-based Janis Spindel, head of Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking, and get
six introductions a year for the most basic membership. For $15,000, you get
12 introductions and "Preferred" status.
Or, if money really is no object, there's Selective Search in Chicago.
Selective Search, which also recently opened offices in New York and San
Francisco, charges a yearly retainer fee of $15,000 to $25,000.
Or go for broke -- literally -- with Beverly Hills-based Orly. She'll nail
you for up to $200,000 "depending on geographic location and desired
It doesn't take a genius to realize that the steeper the entry fee, the more
well-heeled the clients are likely to be . . . unless they're in hock up to
Take a page from Jane Austen But let's face it: Love is an investment. Once
upon a time, this was discussed openly. Marriage was created largely to
secure property, power and other assets. Pick a Jane Austen novel -- any
Jane Austen novel. Or just read the opening line of "Pride and Prejudice":
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a good
fortune must be in want of a wife."
And for those in want of a partner, someone in possession of a good fortune
might not be a bad idea. Why would anybody pay a matchmaker tens of
thousands of dollars, except to gain access to a certain class of people who
don't want to just hook up with some shmoe in a bar?
"Time constraints," says Barbie Adler, head of Selective Search in Chicago,
naming the No. 1 reason most matchmakers say their clients come to them.
Tied for second are a) their clients are tired of bars and parties
(translation: they didn't meet anyone there) and b) they've struck out
Money as a motive is rarely acknowledged, except indirectly. "When people
pay for a membership, they know they are going to meet people who have made
the same commitment," says Maria Mancini, head of Maria Mancini Matchmaking.
"They want to meet someone who has more to offer -- and not just
All they want is love. Really. I've paid my dating dues, and I do believe
that the appeal of these services isn't just the potential return on a cash
investment. Dating is dirty work sometimes. We pay financial pros to make
tough decisions about our money for us, so why not seek the expertise of
someone who can simplify our love lives?
Still, you can't take money out of the mix. When Winston met with her first
client last week, a 40-year-old investment banker, the woman confessed that
no one had ever set her up on a date. Winston was sympathetic. "I told her
that no one ever set me up on a date either, and that's why I started doing
this. Everyone wants the same thing: to find someone to love."
Her client agreed, and added that if Winston knew any bankers, that would be
all right, too.
"I don't think the women who are coming to me want to meet a starving
artist," Winston says, with a refreshing candor. "They want a provider. And
I feel bad because, in my photography business, I represent a lot of
starving artists -- and they're great guys."
I'm sure they are. Meanwhile, Winston says she has the perfect guy for me.
"He's 38, he went to Yale, and he publishes his own magazine," she says. "I
met him at my hair salon. . . ."
DEATH OF 'TILL DEATH DO US PART' - ACCORDING TO PINSOFF:
Family Researcher Examines Emergency State of Modern
Marriage in New Article: The Death of 'Till Death Us Do Part'
Story Filed: Tuesday, July 16, 2002 12:38 PM EST ROCHESTER, N.Y., Jul 16,
2002 (U.S. Newswire via COMTEX) -- William M. Pinsof, noted family
researcher examines the emergency state of modern marriage, the predictable
nature of divorce and resulting social implications.
The concept of being married for life is no longer a valid expectation,
divorce must be normalized, and other pair-bonding unions must be accepted
as society evolves.
The article appears in the summer issue of Family Process. In his article,
"The Death of 'Till Death Us Do Part:' The Transformation of Pair Bonding in
the 20th Century," Dr. William M. Pinsof shows that during the 20th Century,
marriage underwent a fundamental transformation. The crux of this
transformation was that divorce replaced death as the primary terminator of
marriage in the West (Europe, North America and Australia/New Zealand). He
goes on to analyze the causes of this transformation and explores its
implications for social policy, family law, family research and therapy.
Pinsof concludes his article by arguing that current policies, theories and
practices are out of step with the new realities of human pair bonding that
emerged at the end of the 20th century and advocates the creation of a new
paradigm that acknowledges and respects the realities of how people actually
pair up and live their lives.
BACKGROUND: Dr. William Pinsof is a clinical psychologist and a marital and
family therapist. He is the president of The Family Institute at
Northwestern University, director of the Center for Applied Psychological
and Family Studies at Northwestern University, and an adjunct professor in
Northwestern's School of Education and Social Policy. His academic and
research work has focused on evaluating the outcome of marital and family
therapy, understanding the process of marital and family therapy, and the
integration of different therapeutic approaches for maximal cost
effectiveness. He has edited two books on psychotherapy research, including
the special issue of the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy dedicated to
reviewing all of the controlled research on the outcomes of couple and
The article is part of a Special Issue of the journal Family Process, which
provides a comprehensive examination of what happened to marriage in the
20th century. The issue is entitled "Marriage in the 20th Century in Western
Civilization: Trends, Research, Therapy, and Perspectives." Other papers in
this journal issue include a review of the development of couples therapy by
Al Gurman and Peter Fraenkel, review of research on couples by John Gottman
and Cliff Notarius, reflections on marriage in the 20th century from a
feminist perspective by Cheryl Rampage, and a discussion of 20th century
changes in African American marriages by Elaine Pinderhughes.
Online commentary is open and available at http://www.FamilyProcess.org
Family Process is a multidisciplinary international journal that publishes
research, training, and theoretical contributions in the broad area of
family therapy. Founded in 1962, it is widely considered to be the
pre-eminent publication of its kind in the family therapy field. CONTACT:
Carol M. Anderson, Ph.D., Editor, 412-624-0804e-mail:
editor at FamilyProcess.org
UNITED METHODISTS AND MARRIAGE STRENGTHENING:
PLEASE DON'T HIT REPLY WITH THIS INFO. SEND THIS TO JANE AT JaneIves at aol.com
- not to me. - diane
Calling all United Methodists!
In order to help our church strengthen its marriage and family
ministries, please send the following information to me (JaneIves at aol.com)
to share with conference staff and leadership:
Name of Local Church:
Name of Annual Conference:
Your Interests, Training, Experience in Marriage/Family Ministries:
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6th annual Smart Marriages conference/Washington, DC
July 9 - 16, 2002 http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html
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