COVEY/ replies: TIME/Divorce Remedy/Mossholder/singles -1/18/02

Smartmarriages ® cmfce at
Fri Jan 18 18:01:35 EST 2002

subject: COVEY/ replies: TIME/Divorce Remedy/Mossholder/singles -1/18/02

from: Smart Marriages

I had the wonderful chance today to preview our Smart Marriages conference
banquet speaker, Dr. Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective
Families.  He spoke at a luncheon in Washington sponsored by
The Heritage Foundation, "Saving Marriage: The Foundation of Society".

I can now absolutely guarantee that you're going to love his banquet
presentation - he rocks!  He cuts to the heart of things, inspires and
motivates.  At Smart Marriages he'll present "7 Habits of Highly Effective
Marriages" and, of course, given the focus of the luncheon, he focused a lot
on marriage today - and gave lots of great advice.  Also at the July Smart
Marriages conference, the new 7 Habits Marriage Certification Training will
be introduced in a 3-day pre-conference training institute that will qualify
you to go forth and teach the program.  Registration will be available
on-line next month on the web site.  I've already been
getting requests about it.

Covey gave some advice that I want to share with you - especially in light
of the INFIDELITY thread that's been running on this listserve.  In response
to a question about forgiving an AFFAIR, he said, "That makes me think of
the old prayer, 'Oh Lord, let me forgive those who sin differently than I
do.' " 
Regarding the time exercise, I have heard it said and believe it is
true----That Love is a four-letter word spelled T-I-M-E.
Regards, Del R. Palmer
Marriage Savers 
Southern Regional Director


This review on amazon is so good, I wanted to share it with you.
I tell people this same stuff all week long - people who call asking what
they can read/do to save their hopeless situation marriages where their
spouse wants out or has already left.....but it's even more compelling
coming from a reader:

Divorce Remedy offers Real Solutions to Troubled Marriages, January 10, 2002
Reviewer: A reader from New England
Whether you are initiating the divorce or don't want the divorce, please
read this book. This book is so much better than Weiner-Davis' earlier book,
"Divorce Busting", and not only is the book very easy to read, the
principles also work. That is, they work if you are willing to work it. Her
recommendations require a lot of work, perseverance, hanging on no matter
what, but in the end, they work. They worked for me when I thought nothing
else ever would. I've read all marriage books I could find and find this one
the best. Actually, it was "Divorce Busting" that helped heal my marriage
but I had to read this new one even though my marriage is nicely on track
now. All I could do while reading this book was nod my head in agreement to
everything she wrote - been there, done that.

This book gives hope to those whose spouse is threatening divorce. For those
who are the ones seeking divorce, please read and maybe see that divorce is
not necessarily the attractive and quick solution it sometimes appears to

Read and reread this book, and put the principles into practice, even though
at times you want to throw the book at your spouse (DON'T)!!! And even if in
the end things do not work out, if you follow her suggestions, you will come
out with a greater sense of well-being.

Everyone should keep a stack of these on hand for friends/family/clients
whose marriages fall into distress:
Diane,  Ray Mossholder's words are repentant on one hand and persists on his
course on the other hand.  This is not repentance.  He reminds me of St.
Augustine (I think) who has been quoted, "Lord, make me a Christian, but not
just now."  If we believe what we teach, there is no reason the Mossholders
cannot be reconciled. Have they tried Retrouvaille?  PAIRS?  A great deal
rides on their marriage.  Now only does he destroy his own family life, but
he destroys the faith in marriage of many others.  Many people will say, "If
they can't make a marriage last, surely, I cannot either."  I do not believe
the purpose of forgiveness is to write off people's willful wrongs.
Forgiveness is for those who turn around.
Sandra Bender, Cleveland
- - - - - - -
See, no one is immune from this are they.
It has been said NO ONE leaves a marriage unless there is SOMEONE waiting in
the wings.  This is a terribly wrong situation.  God hates a Divorcing as
much as he hates Adultery.  What is wrong with this world we live in?

Another person who fails to practice what they preach.  I am continually
amazed by humans.............
Ohio Girl  Again
- - - - - -  -
I have been on this list for several months and have never written
in.  Some letters I skim over and many I never make it past the
title.  Today I read this announcement and it truly was what I needed to
hear.  I am saddened and yet I have greater strength at THIS MOMENT to
commit to my marriage.  We are all human and I am even more so, today.

Distinction: Covenant Vs. Contract
Covenant - A solemn coming together and pledge of mutual loyalty,
support and responsibility.
Contract - A formal, binding, usually written agreement to exchange
services, goods or remuneration.
A matter of heart or soul vs. A matter of behavior or action
A commitment to the group vs. An agreement with the group
Non-exploitive community vs. Often exploitive community
Lisa Blanton

- - - - -
> Mossholder told Charisma News Service that unfaithfulness was not an issue and
> that he was seeking a divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. He
> had developed a "close friendship" with a woman through his ministry but had
> not left his marriage for her. "The problem was not another woman. The problem
> was a marriage that ultimately I could not live in." Now that he has decided
> to end his marriage, he and the other woman plan to marry after she gets a
> divorce.
> Yeah right!  And the moon is made of cheese.
> - A 'Faithful' reader.
- - - - - - -
I was saddened to read of the situation Ray Mossholder's family finds
themselves in. It reminds me of the truth that while we may know knowledge
and skills that help us negotiate the challenges of any relationship, we are
not immune from being human. As humans, we have choices to make and I don't
presume to make a judgement of another human's actions without any knowledge
of his situation. I am not walking in their shoes. But, I have noticed a
dynamic in this field and I offer a few comments.

As we teach in this field, my wife and I have noticed that teachers and
program founders are vulnerable to the arrogance of believing that their own
teachings do not apply to them. It is easy to believe from our knowledge
we are somehow immune from the dynamics of our emotions  The fact is that no
matter how much we know, we have to practice what we teach with the same
enthusiasm as we urge our students or we find ourselves vulerable to the
mistakes we made before learning relationship skills. We have an obligation
to actively use the skills and concepts we advocate. All of us have the same
relationship hurdles to overcome as our students, yet we have fewer excuses
because we really do "know" better than not to use our skills in overcoming
these always present hurdles.

Perhaps the next stage of development for the relationship skills field is
develop minimum requirements for quality programs and to advocate a code of
ethics that includes measures to prevent relationship skills educators from
falling victim to perceptions of infallibility.

Alan Young
- - - - - 
Check Ray and Arlyne Mossholder's Marriage Plus Ministries website.
Interesting that they recently put out a vendetta against divorce.

- - - - -  -
Dear Diane,

I am just back from a glorious visit to South Africa.  We celebrated my
wife's parents 40th and my parents 50th wedding anniversaries with them.

I would like to help Ray and Arlyne Mossholder -- please let me know if
anyone knows how to contact this family.

Take care
Stan Posthumus

Stan, their web site is above and phone I have is 888-848-6400.
Address I have for them as a couple:
Ray & Arlene Mossholder
8600 LaSalle Rd
York Bldg #507
Baltimore, MD 21286

But the article said he'd already left the family home and had moved to
Calif w/ his new partner.

Stan will present a 2-day Institute training on his Focused Mediation model
at the July '02 Smart Marriages conference - the model holds out the road to
reconciliation to even the most troubled couples.  - diane


So many of you write to me to find couples courses in your area.  I hope
you'll check the Directory of Programs located on the web site - that's
where I'm going to send you when you call or email.  Others write to ask how
to list their programs.  That info is available on the web site at "how to
list". Here's a new program just listed today, help for singles!

Finding the Love of Your Life
Neil Clark Warren, PhD brings over 30 years as a Psychologist to helping
singles meet and select compatible partners for life-long marriage based on
29 critical dimensions discovered in empirical research with married
persons. Author of books for singles such as Finding the Love of Your Life,
Two Dates or Less, and newly published Date...or Soul Mate? Warren offers
hope and help to America's serious singles who want to fall in love for all
the right reasons.
626-795-4814 for interviews and seminars
300 N  Lake Avenue, Suite 1111
Pasadena, California 91101
Email:neilwarren at

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6th annual Smart Marriages conference/Washington, DC
July 9 - 16, 2002

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