MT Marriage & Couples Connection #4 - August 2002

Thu Aug 22 13:50:12 EDT 2002

subject: MT Marriage & Couples Connection #4 - August 2002

from: Smart Marriages

This is a Montana e-newsletter edited by Jana Stanton.
I'm sharing it with the list to inspire those in other states or communities
to follow Jana's example.  Also, because it's interesting to see
Jana's view on the conference - on what was helpful, etc.  - diane

August 22, 2002

The Montana Marriage & Couples Connection News #4

This e-mail newsletter includes Montana news and information of others,
including seminars, workshops and couples programs in Montana, and
professional training available locally. It is a new way for Montana
marriage educators, therapists and couples counselors, ministers and parish
life associates working with families and couples -- in fact, anyone
interested in furthering strong, healthy couple relationships -- to learn
about each other's work, and to get and stay connected in a very big state.
This newsletter will not repeat information from the national Smartmarriages
e-newsletter, unless it particularly applies to Montana, but recipients are
encouraged to enroll in that free national service by logging on to
www.Smartmarriages.com.

IF YOU HAVE COLLEAGUES WHO WOULD BE INTERESTED, PLEASE ASK THEM TO SEND JANA
STATON AN E-MAIL, at marriagewrks at montana.com, REQUESTING THIS NEWSLETTER.

THE MONTANA MARRIAGE & COUPLES CONNECTION
Vol. 1, #4 In this Newsletter:
 **   Hot Topics from the 2002 Smartmarriages Conference
**  Dibble Fund Offer To Train High School Educators
**  Fall/Winter Programs for Couples in our area
**  Attachment: Handout on how to have a VERY unconstructive couple
conversation
** Training Opportunities in Montana

Hot Topics at the 2002 Smartmarriages Conference, Jul. 11-14
Why Men Won't Commit . . . . How to Organize in Your Community . . . .
Research Findings 
from Oklahoma's Experiment with Marriage Initiative . . . .  Smartmarriages
Next Year

Commitment: By far the best plenary talk, was Scott Stanley's talk, "Why Men
Won't Commit."  on the commitment/attachment dilemma, especially in
cohabiting couples (He's the Co-Director of the Center for Marital and
Family Studies at the University of Denver.  It was the single most useful
and important new research and helpful information for working with couples
that I heard.  My husband went to most of the plenaries, and he voted for it
too.  In a nutshell Stanley argues, based on persuasive research, that men
more readily separate attachment from commitment. Until they take a specific
action-oriented step, they aren't really  "committed.  But they may "drift"
into marriage because of attachment, without much commitment. Unfortunately,
most women equate attachment with commitment, and then wonder what's wrong
with their guy. Hence the puzzle of a lot of couples now who have been
cohabiting for a while, and can't figure out what to do next. Unfortunately,
because initial infatuation fades after a couple of years, without a
commitment to their relationship, they're very vulnerable to jealousy,
distrust, and emotional instability. Only a clear commitment bond allows
long-term adult attachment to grow. His talk will be published soon. There's
a USA Today story on the Smartmarriages website (under Press Releases) --
I'll put the journal citation out when it happens.

How to Organize in Your Community ... One big theme was the need to organize
across denominational -professional  and other lines, so that more than one
person is bringing up the importance of marriage, of long-term commitment,
of support for couples as well as "families."  Because the topic of marriage
is at the center of a very hot debate across the nation, we all need to find
local allies who share a commitment to helping couples who want to marry,
and to stay married, to do so in healthy ways.  The national coalition is an
inspiring example of how very conservative and very liberal folks can become
comfortable allies and colleagues, by focusing on what unites, rather than
divides. That means tabling hot topics -- we all know what they are-- and
agreeing on what we share in common. There are tapes of several workshops
about this and also of the "Teach-In" on Sunday, July 14 on organizing in
local communities, on the Playback.Com website [the company which tapes the
entire Smartmarriages conference.]

Research Findings from Oklahoma's Experiment with Marriage Initiative
Oklahoma has done some important research on what couples really want --
including low-income couples. Although no state is exactly like another
state, it's an eye-opener that   71% of low-income couples in Oklahoma say
they would welcome relationship education, if it were available. The survey
of
Oklahoma couples is available through the Smartmarriages website. There's
also a great little booklet Strengthening Marriage in Your Community: 101
Ideas 
to get you started, available from Smartmarriages.

Here's a note from our Alberta neighbor, Lisa Parkin, to Diane Sollee, about
the Smart Marriages Conference. Lisa works for a regional family counseling
service serving rural areas around Lethbridge.  She came with her husband,
and joined us at the Montana-Alberta-(Eastern) Washington luncheon table on
Friday.

Dear Diane,

My family and I have returned to Alberta, Canada after a wonderful drive
through much of your beautiful country. I wanted to let you know that this
was one of the best conferences I have ever attended, and I was impressed
with the calibre and quality of workshops and resources available to all of
us.  I was also impressed with the collegial attitude of the presenters and
resource people towards the attendees.  I have never attended a conference
in which the presenters made themselves so available and seemed so
comfortable with supporting us all in what we do in our own communities.
There is a "community" feel about smart marriages - we are all out there in
the front lines together, supporting one another in our efforts to strenthen
marriages and prevent divorce.  As we all know, this can be a challenge, but
we are stronger together! Thank you again, Diane, and I am hoping to attend
next year! Lisa Parkin

Smartmarriages Next Year --- It's sure to be out our way...Los Angeles,
Anaheim, Reno are all possibilities. Stay tuned.

*   *   *   *   *   *    *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
* 
Offer to Train Educators for High School Relationship Skills
The best all-around program for high school that's come out is Connections.
It was developed by Char Kamper, a high school psychology
teacher in California.  South Dakota has made a major investment in it
already, and has good research data to show that it is working. You can find
out more about its content at www.DibbleFund.com.

Here's what the materials look like.

CONNECTIONS: Dating and Emotions by Charlene R. Kamper MA, CFLE
Dating doesn't always come naturally. This program helps younger teens
understand 
the challenges that arise in early relationships - and helps establish a
strong foundation for later life. A variety of appealing exercises teach
teens how relationships develop, effective ways to communicate, spotting
destructive patterns, dealing with emotions and other essential
interpersonal skills. CONNECTIONS: Dating and Emotions is appropriate for
use in schools, youth groups and youth organizations. Everything needed to
implement its 15 one hour lessons is included in the Instructor¹s Kit and
Student Workbook. For teens 13-17. 67 pp instructor¹s binder, 56 page
student workbook, reproducibles, game cards.

CONNECTIONS: Relationships and Marriage by Charlene R. Kamper MA, CFLE
Young adults face enormous - and conflicting - pressures in their
relationships, especially their romantic ones. This program gives them
practical tools for understanding, managing and making wise decisions about
these relationships. The program covers topics like self awareness,
understanding relationships, communications and conflict....plus the
engaging Marriage Game that's a big favorite (and a real eye opener) with
boys and girls alike! The 15, one-hour lessons are divided into four units:
Personality; Relationships; Communications and Conflict Resolution; and
Marriage. , They may be taught individually or sequentially. For young
adults 16-20 83 pp instructor¹s binder, 52 page student workbook,
reproducibles, game cards, Keirsey Temperament Sorter. The Dibble Fund.

The Dibble Foundation is sponsoring dissemination, and every year at the
Smartmarriages conference I've talked to the developer and the head of the
Dibble fund about getting it introduced in Montana. Not only is the content
solid, and age-appropriate (versions for older and younger adolescents),
but it can be used as a unit in existing  classes -- Family Life Education,
Health Education, Practical Arts, Psychology, English, and other electives
and required courses.  This is not a religiously-based program, does not
focus on human sexuality per se, has been widely accepted by schools in
various communities,  and does provide specific skills and concepts that
EVERY kid should have by 18.

The creater, Char  Kamper, has now gotten tired of my begging, and has
offered to provide training via telephone for any group of Montana educators
who might be interested. This could include youth leaders in the community,
high school or middle school teachers, pastors, etc. The materials are very
affordable, unlike many other programs: the instructor's manual costs about
$90.00, and each student workbook/journal is $10.  It couldn't be better for
a low-cost state like ours! So I want to spread the word

*   *   *   *   *   *    *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Fall/Winter Programs for Couples in MT & Nearby
I've only heard about these two, but  I'd love to have 5 or 6 weekend
seminars listed every time --
please let me know of other marriage or couples education programs which are
open to anyone to attend.  Remember, there are also weekend programs in
Seattle 
for couples on a regular basis, but that's a hike for most of us, and $$$.

Sacred Marriage Seminar led by Gary Chapman [Five Love Languages] January 31
- February 01, 2003

This is a weekend program in Spokane, sponsored through First Presbyterian
Church open to any couple who wishes to attend. They have an active marriage
ministry and Jack Cosby is on our list. I don't have all the details, but
write Jack and you can find out.

Friday for leaders, counselors, etc.  Cost: $25.00
Saturday all-day workshop for anybody - Cost $30.00 single/ $50.00 couple.

Contact Jack Cosbyfor more info at his e-mail address.
jbsports63 at msn.com

PS: Jack has a great mentor training manual and workshop for faith-based
groups on how To set up a lay marriage ministry? Let him know if you are
interested.

   and

"Deepening the Connection" COUPLES GETAWAY
Marriage Works! Learning Center of MIssoula
 Sat. Nite-Sun., Nov. 16-17 at Fairmont Hot Springs
$120/Couple
 Register by October 24.

[Website www.MarriageWorks Montana.com can be used
to contact me for a registration form, or call at 406-549-9491]

This overnight seminar is especially for couples who are feeling
dis-connected, and want to renew their intimacy and deepen their
relationship-- with a little help. The seminar takes you through the 3 Cs
that sustain connection: Chemistry, Companionship, and Commitment.  You work
as a couple on each of the exercises at your own table. There's time built
into the weekend for walks & the pool. This seminar sold out last fall -
encourage interested couples to register NOW!

[Marriage Works is an independent couple & marriage education center,
serving all couples in Western Montana, and is not affiliated with any
agency or denomination.]

*   *   *   *   *   *    *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
How to have a VERY unconstructive conversation
The attachment is from an Aussie therapist who works with couples.
He thought his clients might enjoy, and benefit, from having a
"prescription"
for how to do it exactly wrong.  If you can't open the attachment (it's in
Rich Text
Format, but my Mac version may not work on all PCs), please let me know and
I'll be glad to 
mail you a copy. It's only a page, but you need the formatting and bold
letters to make it work.  I have permission to share it, as long as credit
is given, and it isn't edited.

*   *   *   *   *   *    *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
Training Opportunities in Montana
 Two Prepare/Enrich Training sessions this fall:

A Basic PREPARE/ENRICH TRAINING for pastors, therapists, educators working
with couples will be offered September 17th (ADVANCED is 18th), in Billings.
The Registrar is Fred M Nelson, Billings. Send inquiries to Pete Bruno at
petebruno at completemarriages.com  and he will forward  to him. Of course all
of this is listed on Life Innovations website at:

   http://www.lifeinnovation.com/cgi-bin/schedule

Neighborhood Assembly in Helena is offering a Prepare/Enrich Training
on October 10 -- Saturday all day.

Sharon Nason, a therapist in Helena, has begun a marriage ministry in her
local church, and this training is part of it. Open to anyone interested,
and will qualify you to use Prepare/Enrich materials with couples. Contact
her directly if interested: work 443-8580, home is 457-1553.  Kathy Knoll is
the secretary at Neighborhood Assembly, 442-8523.

MORE News: PLEASE SEND NEWS ABOUT WORKSHOPS, COUPLES EDUCATION,
OTHER PROGRAMS   --  both religious and secular.  Next newsletter will
appear
as soon as there's some news; how about Oct. 1??

##############

Montana  Websites for PreMarital/ Marriage Education  (please send others
and I'll list them)

www.Completemarriages.com  [Rev. Pete Bruno, Billings]

www.MarriageWorksMontana.com  [Jana Staton, Missoula]

www.retrouvaille.org (national site - go to Montana button for information)

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

This newslist/newsletter shares information on marriage, divorce and
educational approaches in Montana.  This is a moderated list. Replies are
read by Jana Staton and shared with the list in a form that is appropriate
for a general audience. If you request, I will be glad to include your
e-mail address with information you send, so that readers can respond to you
directly. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the
list.

To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, send an e-mail to
marriagewrks at montana.com.

To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address,
visit http://www.smartmarriages.com  Click Newsletter. Enter your
address in the appropriate box and proceed.

This is a moderated list.  If you reply, your response is sent only to Diane
Sollee, editor, not to the other subscribers.  Please indicate if your
response is NOT to be shared with the list.

This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and  educational
approaches.  Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the
Coalition.

Newsletter archive - to read ALL posts to the newsletter:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start

6th annual Smart Marriages conference/Washington, DC
July 9 - 16, 2002  http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW,   Washington, DC 20015-1961
www.smartmarriages.com  202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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