Challenging times - 9/17/01

[Smartmarriages ®]

subject: Challenging times - 9/17/01

from: Smart Marriages

Opening paragraphs from
"When Trivial Pursuits Aren't So"
John Leland, Sept 16, 2001, New York Times

"In Raymond Carver's short story "A Small, Good Thing," the parents of a
young boy reel after their son is hit by an automobile.  Almost against
their will, they find themselves taking comfort in an offering of fresh
cinnamon rolls.  They are embarrassed by their behavior: how can they even
think of food?  Yet the eating, and the homey pleasures it brings, are the
couple's tie to humanity, their respite from unfathomable despair.  In its
incidental savor, eating is a small, good thing.

The story is a reminder of a basic human truth.  In times of high emotion,
the unspeakable, even the unimaginable, often finds expression not in grand
gestures but in offhand or ostensibly trivial pursuits.  This is true of
personal crises as well as collective ones.  . . .  ."

To which I say I hope you will all eat some cinnamon buns, play with a baby,
hug a child, dig in your garden, hold your partners hand and realize just
how lucky you are to have your spouse, lover, family today.

In today's USA Today (9/17/01), Karen Peterson writes in a front-page
article in the Life section, that as "we now must deal with the shock of our
vulnerability . . . the saddest and most vulnerable are those who remain
isolated".   

Since the tragedy on Tuesday I have received emails from people who are
grieving "now more than ever" the loss of their families.  One man wrote
that it probably seemed shallow and self-focused of him but that his pain
was focused on having his three boys 700 miles away being comforted by their
new stepfather instead of by him.  Others wrote about how they missed their
ex (husband, boyfriend, wife) more than ever before - that the pain was
unimaginable - and this came from both the leavers and leavees.  A man wrote
that the hardest thing of all was hearing about the calls to wives and
children from inside the Trade Center to say, "I love you, good-bye" and
watching an interview of a man who said 700 families in his company had been
destroyed - and realizing that he had imposed his own tragedy on his wife
and children when he had destroyed their family through divorce. And a woman
wrote that she had reunited with her husband - that the events made her
realize that she and her kids desperately loved and needed him and that what
she'd thought were big issues no longer seemed important - but she wanted
advice on where to go to heal from infidelity.

I think we'd all agree it's true that - now more than ever - we need to help
couples make their marriages and families work.  People will need each other
for both emotional and financial support as we head into challenging,
uncharted waters. Couples will be trying harder, but they will need help to
turn their feelings of wanting to make things work - into success.  As we
know, the increased stress and heightened expectations will put big demands
on people's coping and conflict-management skills.   One woman wrote late
last night to thank me for trying to help her but to let me know that she
and her husband were throwing in the towel and that it was especially hard
given the circumstances this week.  They had clung to each other Tuesday and
comforted each other for the next horrifying days but by Saturday night were
at each other's throats again - that she was disappointed that even in this
crisis and with feelings of great love between them they still couldn't get
things right and she decided they must end it. (??) That the tragedy and the
loss of life only made her realize life is too short to continue to live in
her disappointing marriage.  She is going to file for divorce this week as
planned.  We had emailed before the tragedy - she wanted to find a course -
something she's now saying she isn't willing to do.  I'll stay in touch with
them.  "great love between us" was her term!

Many of you know that in the first 48 hours I had conversations with you in
which I said that Tuesday's events in NY and DC made issues of divorce and
family breakdown seem insignificant and unimportant - and that I have
strongly considered canceling the 2002 Smart Marriages conference.  This
morning I'm convinced that our work is needed now - more than ever - and
must go on.  
 - diane 

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