replies/work & marriage/Parrotts/Covenants - 11/14/01

Wed Nov 14 15:54:28 EST 2001

subject: replies/work & marriage/Parrotts/Covenants - 11/14/01

from: Smart Marriages
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ARCHIVE: 
Dear List, 
Many of you ask me to send you past articles I've sent to the list. I'd love
to, but I don't  have time to go to the archive, look them up and send them
to you.  But you can do that. It's so easy. Go to www.smartmarriages.com and
click on Newslist Archive in the top left corner of the page.  The search
engine is terrific.  Or, bookmark it for easy access:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start

Also, to subscribe or unsubscribe to the newslist, or update your address -
start on the www.smartmarriages.com - just click newslist and follow along.

And to locate books mentioned here, click on Books By Experts on the
smartmarriages home page - all are linked to amazon.com for easy ordering. -
diane 

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LOVING WELL: 
Dear Diane,
I loved the piece about THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER MYTH.  The first selection in
THE ART OF LOVING WELL is "Briar-rose", which is one of the hundreds of
variations of the Sleeping Beauty tale.  The final line in the version we
chose for our curriculum is "And then the marriage of the King's son with
Briar-rose was celebrated with all splendor, and they lived CONTENTED to the
end of their days."  This is a marriage between people who are clearly right
for each other and a marriage that takes place when the time is right, yet
there is no simple promise of eternal happiness.  Much fodder for
discussions with teenagers here!

Nancy McLaren 

Loving Well is one of the great school/youth programs listed on the
Directory and presented each year at the conference.  We STRONGLY encourage
you to bring your teens along and have them attend the full-day training and
also the public seminars presented on these programs.  I also encourage all
of you to buy THE ART OF LOVING WELL -

ARE YOU OUT THERE, SCOTTISH CARE?

Hi There:
    How do we contact "Scottish Marriage Care" it sounds like a wonderful
organization?
Elise Edelson Katch

Does anyone know how? I've had at least a dozen requests for this contact
info. 

Also, those of you interested in school marriage education programs please
visit the Directory of School/Youth Programs at
http://www.smartmarriages.com/school.html

And note that there is a FREE full-day institute which presents a variety of
school/youth programs on Thursday July 11, at the Smart Marriages conference
plus training workshops on specific school/youth curricula scattered through
the conference. See web Conference Info page for details. -  diane

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9/11 EFFECTS: 
This article (Trying Times Stress Many Relationships - 11/13/01)
misses the point.  The events of 9/11 couldn't solve marital
problems. That's a naive assumption.  Those tragic events could, however,
make many couples realize that the things they're unhappy about, the
problems they're having are small compared to the issues facing the victims'
families and the nation.  9/11 could make people want to commit to ratchet
up their energies to try to find solutions to their difficulties.  However,
without skills, inspiration will always fall short.  In some ways, it's
unfortunate that marriage educators aren't on the front line with crisis
workers, ready to impart knowledge when those needing it are ripe.
- Michele Weiner-Davis
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DIVORCE AFTERMATH: 
Diane, 
Anyone who questions the effects of the 20-year aftermath of effects of
divorce on adult children should read, and re-read "The Unexpected Legacy of
Divorce" by Judith Wallerstien.  I guess these strange surveys are the way
professional egos duke it out.  - Kay C.

Diane, 
This one (20-year Divorce Aftermath) really struck a chord.  Frankly, we all
know that questions lead the answer.  I agree with Bill Dougherty, "What if
you asked, 'Are you disappointed your parents weren't able to work out a
relationship that didn't require a divorce?'" said Bill Doherty, University
of Minnesota professor of family social science. "That's the one I can't
imagine anyone answering anything but, 'Yes, I wish they could have.'

Another question, "Do you wish you had grown up with both of your parents?"

I think as a child of the 70's I was indoctrinated by both parents that I
should just accept their lack of love for one another, accept the divorce
and get on with it.  But that doesn't mean my sisters and I didn't
continuously watch Haley Mills in the Parent Trap and wish our parents were
like hers.  We knew how to espouse the party line, "It is better for us that
Mom and Dad divorced."  But it certainly wasn't an internalized message and
both my sisters and I entered adult relationships with the fears of divorce
that Wallerstein found in her subjects not the rosey outlook Ahrons found in
hers.
Dawna Peterson

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BALANCING WORK AND MARRIAGE:
Diane, 
I just followed the link to the Ann Landers letter.  I also read the piece
about "Finding Balance Between Work and Marriage", that is listed right
after that letter on the archives.  This was a WONDERFUL article that I will
share with my husband, who is a classic "entrepreneur".  Many of the
physician-marriage challenges are present in our relationship and family
life.  Do you know of any similar articles that deal specifically with
marriages to entrepreneurs?  If so, I would very much appreciate some
references to them.
Thank you.
Eleanor Z.

I think you'd very much enjoy Azriela Jaffe's FREE newsletter for
entrepreneurial couples - "The Entrepreneurial Couples
Success Letter" - it's supposed to be for couples who are in business
together, but really, all couples are "in business" together even if one is
staying home to hold up the fort.  To subscribe, send mail to
azriela at mindspring.com with the following command in the body of your email
message: subscribe entcouples-list   Azriela will present at the 2002
Smart Marriages conference.

You might also just go to the smartmarriages newslist archive and do a
search  - I just searched for 'work marriage balance' and 53 hits came up -
best ones are usually at the top. - diane

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PARROTT TRAINING: 
Les and Leslie Parrott will present "What You Need to Know About Saving
Marriages Before (and After) They Start" in Olathe, Kansas (a suburb of
Kansas City) Thursday, November 29 (11-4).  This training for pastors
feature the Parrott's three-step plan for implementing an effective program
in "Marriage Mentoring."   206-281-2543 or email CRD at spu.edu.

Les & Leslie will again present their incredibly popular Mentoring program
and SoulMates workshops at Smart Marriages 2002.
They will also participate in the Mentoring Roundtable discussion that was
so well-attended last year. - diane
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EARLY-MARRIAGE: 
Diane,

The piece on early marriage (The Case for Early Marriage 11/13/01) is
thought-provoking and certainly countercultural. It makes some good,
sensible points. Maggie Gallagher made a comment to the effect that when an
19-year-old single girl decides to be a parent, she tends to get all kinds
of material, emotional and social support, but if an 19-year-old couple
wants to get married, everyone goes into doomsville mode.

Everyone cheers today's later marriages as being wiser, more stable and all
that, but does anybody have the clear stats on early vs later marriage? I've
heard conflicting reports.

Assuming the worst, I still wonder how young couples would fare if they
received a lot more marriage education and social support.
John R. Williams
Center for Character and Culture

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COVENANTS:
Dear Smartmarriages:
We are getting married on November 24th.  Both for the second time and both
were "left" in previous marriage.  We want this to be a covenant marriage,
even though our state doesn't have that legal option.  We have added two
words into our upcoming vows.  Covenant and Irrevocably.  I believe these
words are somewhat redundant, which is fine.  Do you have other examples of
wedding vows which we might want to consider?  Thanks.
Bill R

There is a non-legislative Covenant Marriage Movement sponsored by 24 groups
but primarily organized by FamilyLife, a ministry of the Campus Crusade for
Christ.  They hold rallies across the country and have a
Covenant Marriage Certificate suitable for couples to sign as part of their
wedding ceremony - and then frame and hang somewhere where they see it every
day.  For more info see their listing on the Smart Marriages Directory or
Web: www.familylife.com or call toll free: 1-800-FL-Today

Or, to learn all about the Covenant Movements you might order the tape from
the Orlando 2001 Smart Marriages conference - it's a great tutorial on all
the options for states, couples, congregations:
Workshop # 215 Covenant Marriages
Phil Waugh, MDiv & Katherine Spaht, JD
Understand both the legislative and non-legislative covenant movements, how
to help couples and the public understand the benefits of covenant over
contractual marriage, and how to implement covenants in your congregation or
state.  
The 90-minute workshop tape is $10 - order from 800-241-7785.

And, most of all, I HOPE you won't just sign a certificate or beef up your
vows, or really really mean to make your marriage an irrevocable Covenant,
but that you will do what the Covenant legislation would require you to do
if it were available in your state - that is take marriage education skills
courses before you marry and, if you really want to get it right, take
several courses along the way.  Do a different program for each anniversary.
Make your marriage strong and stable and as satisfying as it possibly can
be.  You don't say if you have children, but if you are also creating a new
stepfamily, please also be sure to take stepfamily education courses.  See
the smartmarriages.com Directory of Programs for course descriptions.

Or, come to the Smart Marriages conference next July - sample all the
programs in one setting.  It's a smorgasboard of marriage classes.  Send
your mailing address if you'd like to receive a conference brochure.

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Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW,   Washington, DC 20015-1961
www.smartmarriages.com  202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

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