Shirley Glass//On Selecting a Mate -Stosny, Van Epp, etc - 3/01
cmfce at his.com
Thu Mar 22 02:19:15 EST 2001
subject: Shirley Glass//On Selecting a Mate -Stosny, Van Epp, etc - 3/01
from: Smart Marriages
Just read the latest e-mail. Great to learn of another marriage
saved! How could I get a copy or reprint of Dr. Shirley Glass' article? My
wife and I have been in Christian ministry the last 20 years and seen most
marriages saved. Would like to add this article to our "arsenal."
The Rev. Dr. Donald I. Bloch (pairofdox at aol.com)
So many of you wrote to ask how you could read the article. It's on
the smartmarriages.com web site on both the articles page (along with
dozens of helpful articles) and also on a special "Infidelity?" link
from the home page. It is terrific. However, you'd need to get permission
to reproduce it. The author gave us permission to post it on
the website because Shirley Glass did a keynote that year at Smart
Many of you have also asked about Shirley Glass. She is working on a book
on her model which will be out next year. She will present at the Orlando
Conference on Friday afternoon (See session #305) And you can order tapes of
her presentations at previous Smart Marriages conferences which I highly
recommend for use with couples. The tapes of her 90 minute workshops are
$10. Order #750-505. The audiotape of her 1999 keynote session "Preventing
Infidelity: Walls and Windows" which also features Frank Pittman and Peggy &
James Vaughan is also only $10. Or, the keynote is available on videotape
for $25. For the keynote order tape #759 -P3. Call 800-241-7785 to order
ON SELECTING A MATE:
Here's more good stuff from the
All About Families Newsletter
Volume 6 Number 8
March 21, 2001
Norman Bales, editor
To subscribe to this free newsletter, visit
Stosny and Van Epp mentioned here are both presenting workshops
and training institutes at Smart Marriages Orlando. And, the
Satir communication styles are a core piece of the PAIRS program
which will be presented in various formats by PAIRS founder
Lori Gordon. Orlando will offer the chance to take a two
day training institute taught by Lori on the school/youth
program version of PAIRS - PEERS for Schools. - diane
ON SELECTING A MATE:
ISSUES TO CONSIDER (2)
by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC
EMOTIONAL: In very troubled homes, an invisible rule for functioning
is "Don't talk, don't trust, and don't feel." Children in these homes
are taught that what they see they do not see and what they feel is
wrong and unacceptable. From these negative patterns and rules,
children have experiences of being rejected, abandoned, devalued,
powerless, guilty, and unlovable. Steven Stosny identifies these as
core hurts in his book "THE MYSTERY OF YOU." Stosny teaches that
these core hurts separate us from our core value of importance, value,
worthiness and equality. Another description of core value might be
that we are loving, lovable and worthwhile. When our core hurts
separate us from our core value, then symptoms and defenses develop.
Stosny identifies these as "blame, anger, anxiety, obsessions,
depression, manipulation, control, alcohol, drug abuse, workaholism,
abuse of others."
These symptoms and defenses will prevent the development of close and
intimate relationships. One definition of intimacy is shared privacy.
One of the most private parts of a person is the emotional state.
These symptoms and defenses are used to prevent others from knowing
the deep pain experienced inside and to hide the fear of experiencing
these hurts again. These symptoms are for self-protection and
self-protection builds walls that prevent intimate relationships.
During the dating relationship become familiar enough with your
partner that you can identify the style of communication used when
under stress. Author and family therapist Virginia Satir has
identified four detrimental styles of communicating when under stress.
Each of these styles is produced from a base of fear. These four
styles are placating, blaming, computing and distracting. The
placater becomes a "yes" man or woman and discounts the self out of
fear. The blamer finds fault and criticizes and discounts the other
out of fear. The computer is super-reasonable and discounts self and
others and only focuses on the issue. The distracter discounts the
self, the other and the issue by avoiding eye contact, the issue and
changing the subject. The goal is to be congruent. To do so the
speaker must be aware of his or her own experience and then be able to
share it honestly. This creates the intimacy that is desired. When a
person is congruent, the thinking, feeling and doing (communicating)
of that individual are all in agreement.
The communication style will give significant indication about the
emotional health of the individual. People who are healthy
emotionally are able to be open and share their experience. They are
able to trust others and make themselves vulnerable. They will be
aware of their feelings and accepting of them.
When a person can identify and accept his/her own emotions, then that
person will have more insight and acceptance of the emotional
experience of significant others. With this kind of openness and
insight, empathy can develop. Empathy can result in the sharing of
feelings, hopes and dreams of the other. Daniel Goleman, in EMOTIONAL
INTELLIGENCE, cites research that finds "the capacity for empathic
affect, for putting oneself in another's place, leads people to follow
certain moral principles." Empathy will motivate partners to act in
the best interest of the other and of the relationship.
Remember the "Jerk" identified by Van Epp (AAF Newsletter, 02/21/02,
"Every Date is a Potential Mate"). This guy had poor insight into
himself. He will also have poor insight into others. He was taught
that what he felt was not acceptable and what he saw he did not see.
He could not develop empathy for others. He would not be able to
share on the emotional level, the feelings, hopes and dreams of his
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