From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 1 09:50:49 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 09:50:49 -0500 Subject: Announcement from President Bush - Feb 28, 2001 Message-ID: subject: Announcement from President Bush - Feb 28, 2001 from: Smart Marriages ANNOUNCMENT: I am honored to inform you that today, February 28th, President George W. Bush announced his intention to nominate me to be the next Assistant Secretary for the Administration on Children and Families within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. These are exciting times, indeed. Wade Horn Wade Horn, PhD, is president of the National Fatherhood Initiative. He opened last year's Smart Marriages conference with his speech "Fathers Count and Marriage Matters" - (audio and video available - He brought down the house. I encourage you to listen and you'll see why we're celebrating! tape #750 -P1 at 800-241-7785). He will present at the Orlando conference in the Fatherhood Commission Institute on Wednesday and Thursday. - diane ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 1 17:31:11 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 17:31:11 -0500 Subject: Colorado Divorce legislation - 3/1/01 Message-ID: subject: Colorado Divorce legislation - 3/1/01 from: Smart Marriages Here is an article about the Colorado Divorce legislation followed by a copy of the bill. (sorry about the formatting) - diane March 1, 2001 Colorado may mandate one-year divorce counseling Lawmaker's aim is to protect kids By Karen S. Peterson USA TODAY A bill requiring divorcing parents to get a full year of counseling before a divorce is granted will be considered next week by the Colorado legislature. Hearings are scheduled Tuesday on the bill, the latest piece of controversial legislation introduced in state assemblies in the last few years to shore up marriages and reduce divorces. ''We want counseling that will focus on the negative effects on children,'' says Republican state Rep. David Schultheis, the bill's sponsor. ''It is easier to get out of a marriage than a Tupperware contract.'' While many divorce courts do require some brief type of divorce education when children are involved, this is the first legislation that would mandate such intervention statewide and for such an extended period of time, says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. ''This would be landmark legislation.'' The bill does make some exceptions, including exclusions for the physically or psychologically abused. Couples choose their own counselors. There are no provisions for payment. Schultheis expects faith-based organizations to fund the needy, while most couples would foot their own bills. Such counseling could run anywhere from about $40 to $150 an hour, says Don Bloch, past president of the American Family Therapy Academy. Requiring counseling is useful, Bloch says, but the idea of continuing it for a year between two hostile people ''could produce great negativity and not be of any great use to the kids.'' Colorado House Minority Leader Dan Grossman, a Democrat, says the bill is ''pretty likely'' to pass the Republican-controlled House but unlikely to pass the Democratic-controlled Senate. ''This is a dangerous precedent: government intrusion into marriage.'' State legislators ''keep introducing bills to reform divorce laws,'' but most are not successful, says John Crouch, a divorce lawyer who runs Americans for Divorce Reform, which both tracks and advocates change. State legislatures have been modestly successful with ''covenant marriages,'' which make divorce more difficult. Louisiana and Arizona have passed such laws, while bills have been defeated in Texas, Oklahoma, Oregon and Georgia, he says. The governors of Minnesota and Maryland vetoed bills requiring premarital counseling. And in 1998, Florida passed a bill requiring high-schoolers to take relationship courses. HB01-1342 Colorado Legislative Council Staff NO FISCAL IMPACT Drafting Number: Prime Sponsor(s): LLS 01-0872 Rep. Schultheis Date: Bill Status: Fiscal Analyst: February 15, 2001 House State Affairs Janis Baron (303-866-3523) TITLE: CONCERNING A REQUIREMENT THAT PARTIES WITH CHILDREN TO A DOMESTIC RELATIONS PROCEEDING PARTICIPATE IN COUNSELING PRIOR TO THE ENTRY OF THE DECREE. Summary of Assessment The bill requires parties to a domestic relations action, with children or where the wife is pregnant, to receive counseling that focuses on the effects of a legal separation or dissolution of marriage on children. The counseling is required for a minimum of one year prior to the entry of a decree. The bill makes an exception in those cases where physical or serious psychological abuse is a factor, and in those cases in which the respondent is served by publication. The bill includes an effective date of July 1, 2001, and applies to all petitions for dissolution of marriage or legal separation filed on and after that date. The bill may result in fewer legal separations or dissolutions of marriage. The bill will delay case resolution. This delay is not expected to have a significant fiscal impact on the courts'workload. Departments Contacted Judicial --------- A BILL FOR AN ACT Concerning a requirement that parties with children to a domestic relations proceeding participate in counseling prior to the entry of the decree Bill Summary (Note: This summary applies to this bill as introduced and does not necessarily reflect any amendments that may be subsequently adopted.) As a condition precedent to the entry of a decree of legal separation or dissolution of marriage, requires parties with dependent children and parties who are expecting a child to have made a legitimate and substantial effort to participate in counseling that focuses on the impact of divorce on children for a minimum of one year. Makes an exception in those cases in which the court determines that there is demonstrated physical or serious psychological abuse and in those cases in which- service of process was satisfied by publication. Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the State of Colorado: SECTION 2, Article 10 of title 14, Colorado Revised Statutes, is- amended BY THE ADDITION OF A NEW SECTION to read:-- 14-10-120.1. Counseling for parties with children prior to entry- of decree - legislative declaration. The general assembly- hereby finds that children are the innocent victims of legal separation and dissolution of marriage and that, when two parties separate or dissolve their marriage, there is a devastating impact on their children who have had no voice in the decision to disrupt the family. Oftentimes, these "children of divorce" are negatively affected academically, socially, emotionally, and psychologically as a result of the stress and trauma placed on the family by the separation or dissolution process and by the associated discord between their parents occasioned by the process. The general assembly finds that severe emotional trauma to the children can result and have short-term and long-term effects on those children. The general assembly further finds that parents pursuing legal separation or dissolution of marriage may be oblivious to or attempt to deny the harm they cause their children through the separation or dissolution of marriage process. The general assembly hereby finds that counseling may benefit parties considering legal separation or dissolution of marriage, by educating them about the short-term and long-term effects that such a decision may have on their children and by providing them with the tools necessary to avert the ultimate decision to separate or divorce and to keep the family intact. Accordingly, the general assembly hereby determines- and declares that it is in the best interests of the children, families, and citizens of the state of Colorado to require that, in most cases, parties to a legal separation or dissolution of marriage proceeding filed pursuant to this article who have children pursue counseling prior to the court's entry of a decree and that a major portion of such counseling focus on the current and future potential harm to children of separation or dissolution. Except as otherwise provided in paragraph subsection (2), in proceedings pursuant to this article in which there are dependent children of the marriage or in which the wife is pregnant, the court shall refer the parties seeking the separation or dissolution of marriage to counseling of their choice, which counseling shall focus substantially on the potential harm to the children of separation or dissolution of the marriage, if the parties have not already commenced such counseling, until such time as the parties have reconciled or made a legitimate and substantial effort toward counseling for a period of one year following the filing of the petition, whichever occurs first. In the event the parties do not reconcile, the counselor providing such services shall furnish the court with documentation that the parties have participated in such counseling, focused substantially on the potential harm to the children of separation or dissolution of the marriage, for a period of one year or more. Upon review of the counselor's report, the court shall proceed as specified in section 14-10-110. The court shall not require the counseling prescribed- in paragraph of this subsection (2) where: The court determines that one of the parties has- demonstrated physical or serious psychological abuse by the other party; or Service of process was satisfied by publication- pursuant to section 14 107 (4). SECTION 2 14-10-106, Colorado Revised Statutes, is amended to read: 14-10-106. Dissolution of marriage - legal separation. (1) (a) The district court shall enter a decree of dissolution of marriage when: (I) The court finds that one of the parties has been domiciled in this state for ninety days next preceding the commencement of the proceeding; (II) The court finds that the marriage is irretrievably broken; and - (III) The court finds that ninety days or more have elapsed since it acquired jurisdiction over the respondent either as the result of process pursuant to rule 4 of the Colorado rules of civil procedure or as the result of the act of the respondent in joining as copetitioner in the petition or in entering an appearance in any other manner; If there are dependent children of the marriage or if- the wife is pregnant, the court finds that the parties have made a legitimate and substantial effort to participate in counseling for a minimum of one year following the filing of the petition, as- provided in section 14-10-120.1. 14-10-106. Dissolution of marriage - legal separation. (1) (a) The district court shall enter a decree of dissolution of marriage when: (b) In connection with every decree of dissolution of marriage and to the extent of its jurisdiction to do so, the court shall consider, approve, or allocate parental responsibilities with respect to any child of the marriage, the support of any child of the marriage who is entitled to support, the maintenance of either spouse, and the disposition of property; but the entry of a decree with respect to parental responsibilities, support, maintenance, or disposition of property may be deferred by the court until a time subsequent to the decree of dissolution of marriage upon a finding that such deferral is necessary in the best interests of the parties. (2) (a) If a party requests a decree of legal separation rather than a decree of dissolution of marriage, the court shall grant the decree in that form unless the other party objects. In those circumstances in which there are dependent- children of the marriage or in which the wife is pregnant, the court shall not grant a decree of legal separation unless it finds that the parties have made a legitimate and substantial effort to participate in counseling for a minimum of one year following the filing of the petition, as provided in section 14-10-120.1 SECTION 2 14-10-110, Colorado Revised Statutes, is amended- to read: 14-10-110. Irretrievable breakdown. (1) If both of the parties- by petition or otherwise have stated under oath or affirmation that the marriage is irretrievably broken or one of the parties has so stated and the other has not denied it, there is a presumption of such fact, and, unless controverted by evidence, the court shall, after hearing, make a finding- that the marriage is irretrievably broken. (2) If one of the parties has denied under oath or affirmation that the marriage is irretrievably broken, the court shall consider all relevant factors, including, among its utmost considerations, the best- interests of any dependent children of the marriage and circumstances that gave rise to the filing of the petition and the prospect of reconciliation, and shall: (a) Make a finding whether the marriage is irretrievably broken and enter a decree pursuant to section 14-10-106 (b) Continue the matter for further hearing not less than thirty days nor more than sixty days later, or as soon thereafter as the matter may be reached on the court's calendar, and may suggest to the parties that they seek counseling or, in those cases in which the- parties have dependent children of the marriage or in which the wife is pregnant, that they continue counseling pursuant to section 14-10-120.1 .. At the adjourned hearing, the court shall make a- finding whether the marriage is irretrievably broken. SECTION 2 Effective date - applicability. This act shall take- effect July 1, 2001, and shall apply to petitions for dissolution of marriage or legal separation filed on or after said date. SECTION 2 Safety clause. The general assembly hereby finds,- determines, and declares 'that this act is necessary for the immediate preservation of the public peace, health, and safety.'' ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 1 22:39:22 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 22:39:22 -0500 Subject: The Next Great Welfare Debate - Gallagher 2/28/01 Message-ID: subject: The Next Great Welfare Debate - Gallagher 2/28/01 from: Smart Marriages FROM UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 2/28/01 by Maggie Gallagher THE NEXT GREAT WELFARE DEBATE Five years ago, Congress abolished the welfare entitlement and took new steps to move welfare mothers to work. A few weeks ago, experts gathered for a groundbreaking evaluation conference, "The New World of Welfare" (see www.aecf.org). The results have been astonishing: Caseloads have dropped by half, poverty declined, effects on child well-being are mixed but at the very least, as one conference paper put it, "the sky has not fallen," as many predicted. And yet, in another sense, welfare reform has been a failure. In an extraordinary paper, National Fatherhood Initiative president Wade Horn and Urban Institute scholar Isabel Sawhill note that 40 percent of our children still live apart from their fathers; as many as 60 percent will join fatherless households before they turn 18. Five years after welfare reform, a third of our children are born outside of marriage. "By focusing so heavily on moving mothers into the workforce," they remind us, "states have neglected to work on the equally important task of increasing the number of two-parent families." Welcome to the new welfare debate: How can we support not only work, but marriage? In 1965, when Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan's report sounded the alarm about the disintegrating black family, about a quarter of African-American children were born outside of marriage. Today, according to a new Annie E. Casey Foundation report, there are only two states (Utah and Idaho) where less than a quarter of babies are born out of wedlock. In Vermont, for example, where 96 percent of births are to white mothers, the illegitimacy rate jumped from 20 percent in 1990 to 28 percent in 1998. Florida's illegitimacy rate jumped from 32 percent in 1990 to 37 percent in 1998. In New York City, 45 percent of babies are born out of wedlock. Hartford, Conn., tops the list of the worst American city: 80 percent of babies are born to unwed mothers. Connecticut Gov. John Rowland's response to the news was characteristic of the old mind-set that must change. His spokesman told The New York Times: "He's known for some time that Hartford and some other cities in the state lag behind the rest of the country." So what is Gov. Rowland doing about it this problem he's known so long about? Promoting urban renewal, he claimed, and education, and job training to help unwed mothers rise above poverty. Promoting everything, in short, but the thing that is missing: lasting, healthy marriage in low-income communities. In less backward states, leaders aren't waiting for Congress to take action to address this important social problem. Gov. Frank Keating in Oklahoma has laid out an innovative marriage initiative to promote marriage education and reduce marriage penalties in the welfare system. In New Mexico, the Governor's Commission on Marriage and Parenting, under the leadership of state Sen. Mark Boitano, recently released an eight-point marriage support plan, including retraining welfare case workers to deliver marriage education, a media campaign to highlight the benefits of marriage, and a short handbook, "Before you Divorce," to inform parents of the potential adverse economic, health and social impacts of divorce on their children. Dr. Paul Hopkins, president of the New Mexico Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, is one "old-line liberal Democrat" who believes government has a place in promoting marriage. Partly, of course, it's his heartbreaking memories of kids he's worked with, like the little girl "who told me she wished she could cut herself in half, so that part of her could be with Mommy and part with Daddy." To those who would say it's none of the government's business, Dr. Hopkins has this to say: "When we are abandoning our children or restricting their access to education or even food by our foolish choices, somebody has to stick their nose in and say, 'Hey, that isn't right.'" Horn and Sawhill put it this way: "If welfare reform is to deliver on its promise to improve the well-being of children, the next phase of welfare reform must recognize the importance of reducing unmarried childbearing and increasing marriage." (Readers may reach Maggie Gallagher at GallagherIAV(at)Yahoo.com.) ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 3 13:46:45 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 03 Mar 2001 13:46:45 -0500 Subject: Airline/Search Engine/writing opportunity/children of Divorce Message-ID: subject: Airline/Search Engine/writing opportunity/children of Divorce from: Smart Marriages I'm still looking for conference VOLUNTEERS. If you're a student and are interested in attending the conference for $35, email me for details. Also, if any of you have used the Smart Marriages travel company to book your AIRLINE travel to the Orlando Conference, please send me an email and let me know that. I will really appreciate hearing from you on this one. - diane ****************** CHILDREN OF DIVORCE: >By the way, Diane, what is the average number of children per divorce >nowadays? Have you seen such a figure? I recall reading 1.2 children per >divorce, on average, but I can't recall where I read that...Dave Crater, (Colorado legislative staff) Dave here are replies from Mike McManus, president of Marriage Savers - which could help turn the tide in Colorado and at very little cost using mentor couples in congregations and communities (see www.marriagesavers.org) and from Judith Wallerstein - author of "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." - diane Diane, Unfortunately, data is no longer gathered on the number of children affected by divorce. The national collection or non-collection of such data is a scandal. However, the number of children affected by divorce is about 1 million per year of the 1.15 million divorces, making the number of children affected about .9 per divorce, not 1.2 as supposed by your questioner. But that is still about 30 million children impacted over the last 30 years. Mike McManus Diane, Between 50 to 60% of divorces are to couples with children. People forget that. Also the number of children in the family will probably vary regionally. I don't have a national statistic. In our center (N. Calif) the number is 2.2 per children per couple. But there are an increasing number of divorces soon after the birth of the first child. Judy Wallerstein ******************* OUR WEB SITE SEARCH ENGINES: Diane, I can't figure out how to get to the archives of the email messages. It seems you've changed how the search engine works. When I search, I only get articles. Those emails are great for research. Sandra Bender Everyone: There is a new search engine on the home page. It searches the whole site - all the different pages. HOWEVER, to search the archive of the emails sent to the e-newsletter, I still strongly suggest you go to the Archive and use the archive's search engine. I've just added a direct link to the Archive search engine on the Smart Marriages home page. - diane **************** PUTTING WHAT YOU LEARN AT SMART MARRIAGES TO WORK: Dear Diane, My husband and I facilitated our first PREP One Day workshop with 15 couples in attendance. It was very successful. Nine of the couples signed up for an on-going support group! We are planning to do another one in October. Thank you for providing the opportunity for us to take the PREP Training in Colorado last summer - it not only has encouraged us to do this work but has improved our relationship 10 fold. Anne & Bob Welker Note: the PREP training - plus two dozen other trainings will be offered at the Smart Marriages Orlando conference. ____________________ Dear Diane, Just want to send you an update of how it's going: We are successfully using an enhanced C-Prep as our core program, as far as a teaching program goes. We integrate it with other classes and training in emotional regulation (ER) programs not only Stosny's (his is still the best for anger) ... but we are integrating other ER programs for anxiety and depression in that we have found that 30% of the couples coming for pre-marriage are suffering from anxiety, panic attack and or depression. Pre-Marriage Couples must now do 12-20 hours of coaching in which the speaker listener (S/L) technique and core communications are key skills, but then the Parrot's book/work book are used quite successfully as providing real material about which to use the speaker/listener technique. We find people who had little ER could hardly use the S/L. It is fascinating when I teach the time out. I precede it with Stosny's research and that of Daniel Amen. No couple even remotely believes that you can work it out when you are angry. I now have actual Speck Scans of the brain showing (from Amen's clinic) when brain is angry and you can only hurt another loved one. Couples can now see clearly why scientifically "time outs" are absolutely necessary. Escalation must be stopped at all cost. When they see, they believe. It makes the ER work easier, the time out effective and S/L become a power tool for relationship building. I could go on about how we integrate the resources into one gestalt; it is not eclectic but focused constantly on growth, differentiation and commitment to safe and healthy relationship building When we get to the family level we are using the Family Wellness program with extraordinarily rapid results! - nothing like a little structure, lots of respect and putting the parents back in charge to make a family function better; less depression, less add of kids etc. So keep up the great work or keeping us in touch with the best that science and hard empirical trial and error has produced. All truth is from the one Spirit and I celebrate and rejoice in whoever that truth is expressed through. We need all the truth we can get. Young couples are starting to come to join our church because we really make a radical difference in the quality of their relationship right form the first 20-30 minutes of training. They have told me as much; they would tell you that - and most importantly they are telling their friends! Blessings for now; see you in Orlando; looking forward to this years brochures and please SEND SOME INFO ON AUGUSTA, MAINE, IF YOU HAVE ANY MARRIAGE EDUCATOR CONTACTS THERE - need a referral for a couple. Edward Santana-Grace Does anyone have a contact in Agusta Maine? The Revs Edward and Ruth Santana Grace will moderate the Clergy Laity breakfasts on Thurs, Fri and Sat mornings. They have attended the last three Smart Marriages conferences and as you can see they are putting what they've learned to good use. They could run an institute on how to integrate and implement the various Smart Marriages programs in your congregation. Edward presented a keynote on that at the Denver conference. It's a great tape. - diane ************************ WRITING OPPORTUNITY: Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001 14:03:02 -0500 From: Raeann Hamon Subject: writing opportunity Macmillan Press will be publishing a new International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family Relationships in the near future. As an associate editor, part of my job is to identify scholars to contribute entries on various family concepts. I am still in need of experts in the areas of : Leisure Family power Marital power Rich/wealthy families Grandparents' rights I am also possibly looking for scholars who could assist with these concepts: Intergenerational Relationships Commitment Effects of children's divorce on aging parents Motherhood Marital typologies Loneliness Play Resource Management Widowhood Family Rituals Elders Elder Abuse Division of labor Death and Dying Discipline Communes/Intentional Communities Chronic Illness If you are interested and/or would like to learn more, please send me a private e-mail at rhamon at messiah.edu and attach a copy of your vita. Thank you. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 5 14:13:31 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 05 Mar 2001 14:13:31 -0500 Subject: More than a prom, less than a promise - school marriaged ed 3/01 Message-ID: subject: More than a prom, less than a promise - school marriage ed 3/01 from: Smart Marriages In regards to the article below: It's amazing to see how confused these issues can become. For the record, the marriage education curricula that the Coalition endorses - and that Florida mandated - do NOT focus on education about the wedding! This article will have readers thinking that marriage education equals wedding education. auuuugh. I told this reporter that focusing on the wedding is a big part of the problem - that's what couples - and clergy - do now. Which is why couples are so unprepared for life AFTER the wedding. The focus needs to be shifted from preparing for the wedding day to preparing for - and educating couples about - life-long marriage. The CONNECTIONS program mentioned in the story focuses on the marriage - with only a brief exercise on a classroom wedding ceremony - the wedding is a very small part of the curricula with heavy emphasis on how to make real-life marriage work with all its expected challenges. I apologize for the trite comparison in my quote - "to become masters of marriage, like becoming masters of tennis". It was lifted from a long interview with the point being made that we understand that through education and training we can improve our odds at other things like parenting, driving, health, work skills, algebra, tennis - and now we know HOW to help kids learn how to improve their odds at marriage. Please visit www.smartmarriages.com and click on SCHOOL/YOUTH CURRICULA for the directory of youth marriage ed programs - including: CONNECTIONS, PEERS, PARTNERS, BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS, LOVING WELL, RELATIONSHIP INTELLIGENCE AND EQ. None of which focus on weddings! You'll also find articles and links to their web sites and sample curricula. The free course for teachers referred to in the article below is the all-day training institute at the annual Smart Marriages conference which presents an overview of all the above mentioned programs. It will be on Monday, June 25, in Orlando. There is also a 2-day training institute presented by Lori Gordon on the PEERS program - which she adapted from her PAIRS program for adults. PEERS is being taught in Boys and Girls Clubs, church youth groups and in middle and high schools. In the 2-day institute you'll be certified to teach the program and receive the materials. - diane sollee News MORE THAN A PROM, LESS THAN A PROMISE - High school students get an education in marriage JENNIFER DEL MEDICO 03/04/2001 The Star-Ledger Newark, NJ (c) 2001. The Star-Ledger. All rights reserved. On the first Friday in May, Gail Bignell's sociology class will meet at the Butler United Methodist Church; the girls will be in flowing white gowns and the boys in rented tuxedos. Everything about their weddings will be lifelike, except for the licenses. For weeks these Butler High School students have planned everything, down to the favors on the reception tables. They have consulted a wedding planner, sent out invitations, baked three-tier cakes and created their vows with a minister's guidance. Guests will pack the pews as the high school seniors walk away from the altar with rings on their fingers. "I've had fathers crying, they get hysterical watching their daughters walk down the aisle," said Bignell, who has been conducting mock weddings for more than a decade. "I've had two grooms pass out." At public high schools from Bridgewater to Franklinville, teens are learning the virtues of saying "I do" in the name of honing relationship-building skills, although not all go to the lengths that they do in Butler. Some educators say the number of divorced families has made these marriage education classes a necessity - a means to give students the tools to create successful unions later in life. But others are skeptical. They argue that schools have no business wasting valuable class time on practice nuptials and say they should get out of the marriage education business. "It's not the job of schools to teach kids how to walk down the aisle," said Diane Ravitch, an education professor at New York University. "Schools are supposed to prepare students for higher education and a tough workplace. If this wasn't offered at school, do you think kids wouldn't know to wear white at their weddings?" At Butler High School, the ceremony, which has taken on a prom-like status, is the reward for months spent sharpening communication skills through discussion and role-playing, Bignell said. The brides usually borrow their gowns from relatives or a stash of dresses Bignell keeps, while the grooms rent their tuxedos for $10 from a local shop owner who was once a student in her class. "You have to live under a rock in this day and age not to know this is subject that needs to be talked about," Bignell said. "Chances are they are all going to do this at least once. I hope they leave (the mock ceremony) with a better understanding about making adult decisions and how serious this step is." On her older sister's recommendation, Alyson Puzino signed up for Bignell's class to get a crack at "rehearsing the whole marriage before the real thing." "The feeling of walking down the aisle, it's going to be scary," said Puzino, 17, who is "marrying" her best male friend since fifth grade. "I'll probably be a little bit nervous." Although no data exist on how many schools or districts offer marriage education, New Jersey is one of seven states where programs are prevalent, according to a recent report from the Institute for American Values, a New York- based, nonpartisan organization that promotes family well-being. While New Jersey requires public schools to teach about relationships and marriage, the method - as well as the amount - of instruction is left up to the district, said Rich Vespucci, a state Department of Education spokesman. While most of these programs, including Bignell's, have been developed by the districts, several publishers have recently begun marketing their own marriage-based materials. WHOSE VALUES? Some critics question whose values are being taught in these classes, and worry that these programs promote traditional, sexist stereotypes and a narrow view of relationship possibilities. "There may be gay and lesbian students, so are they going to discuss gay and lesbian partnerships?" said Catherine Lugg, an assistant professor of education at Rutgers University. "If not, it could be profoundly alienating. Teaching about adult relationships is perfectly legitimate. But having kids plan their weddings? No." Butler's practice of holding a public school class in a religious building potentially raises separation of church and state issues, said Deborah Jacobs, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union in New Jersey. She said, however, the organization would only investigate if someone in the district complained, which hasn't happened. At Bridgewater-Raritan High School, couples in some health classes are assigned to plan weddings - including getting prices from local businesses - but stop short of actually walking down the aisle. "We try to include every kind of item they might experience as far as cost is concerned," said teacher Patricia Cherego. "I think it gets them to understand it's not just we fall in love, we get married and live happily ever after. A lot of them don't realize all of the costs that are involved." Both supporters and critics of marriage education say it is just another sign that teaching values is increasingly becoming the domain of public schools. "In an ideal world this would be taught by mom and dad," said Kay Reed, president of the Dibble Fund for Marriage Education, a nonprofit organization in California that publishes a popular marriage curriculum called Connections. "Churches can take up some of the slack, but not all kids go to church." 'MARRIAGE MOVEMENT' A loosely organized coalition of academics, therapists and activists - known collectively as the "marriage movement" - has been making a national push to get these programs into schools. Its first victory came in 1998 when Florida became the first and only state to pass legislation requiring marriage and relationship education to be taught to all public school children. "Schools are an obvious choice," said Diane Sollee, a therapist and founder of the Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couples Education, which is associated with the marriage movement. "The kids need to get the message that they can change their odds and they can be masters of marriage, like they can become masters of tennis." Besides getting programs into schools, Sollee said, it is important to get the right kind of curricula into the hands of teachers. "The classes that focus on the wedding are well intentioned, but they are so missing the mark," said Sollee, who holds a free workshop each year for teachers. Connections, a program used in 45 states, including a handful of New Jersey schools, uses a no-frills mock wedding as a hook to get kids interested, said Robin Thornton, a health teacher at Monmouth Regional High School in Tinton Falls. In Connections, students partner up, plan a wedding and submit a detailed budget for their wedding and day-to-day life. Then they must cope with an assigned "disaster" - from the wife gaining weight to the death of a spouse. In the spirit of partnership, each couple receives the same grade on homework and tests. "I think they are getting a real touch of reality on life here," said Thornton, who has taught the 15-lesson program to about 200 students. "At the end they have to evaluate the marriage and they are amazed that everything is a compromise." And students get excited about the class, she said. "It gets through more than a normal health class that you sleep through," said Vanessa Scavone, 17, who recently completed Thornton's class. "Me and my partner had to plan a budget and we got five kids." As programs like Connections gain steam in some districts, they have disappeared from others. A wedding ceremony simulation was stopped at Hopatcong High School about four years ago because only girls were signing up for the class, said consumer science teacher Wendy Wyman. "For girls, it's the most important day of your life, so why not have a dry run," said Wyman, who still believes in the program. "Guys weren't totally thrilled with it, but when you pinned them down, they would do it. They all met at the mall and picked out their engagement rings." At Butler High School, the honeymoon doesn't last long. Just weeks after the wedding and subsequent lessons on parenting, the class tackles splitting up with the advice of a divorce lawyer. 1. Butler High School seniors Alyson Puzino and Pete Bleighier, front, and Stephanie Hastings and Shane Kelsey practice their mock wedding ceremony as sociology teacher Gail Bignell observes. The couples "marry" in May. 2. Gail Bignell has been conducting mock ceremonies for more than a decade. 3. Butler High School girls from the class of 2000 prepare to throw bouquets. Critics question the values that are being taught in these programs. 4. Tim DePuyt and Kristina Schmidt take part in a mock ceremony in 1990. They later wed for real. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 5 14:58:44 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 05 Mar 2001 14:58:44 -0500 Subject: Ann Landers & Norway's Royal Pair: Signs of the Times - 3/5/01 Message-ID: subject: Ann Landers & Norway's Royal Pair: Signs of the Times - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Brief marriage seems sign of times March 02, 2001 DEAR ANN LANDERS: Please advise your readers before they send a wedding gift to check and make sure the couple is still married. I wish I had. "Mary" and "Jerry" were high-school sweethearts. They went together five years before they married. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. The wedding was one of the most beautiful this town has ever seen - bridesmaids, ushers, a flower-laden canopy, a string quartet, a harp - the whole nine yards. I spent a lot more on my dress and the gift than I had a right to, but I was so sure the relationship was rock-solid and that this would be the social event of the year, I went all out. I sent the gift 10 days after the wedding. Guess what? Five weeks after the extravaganza, the couple split. They were divorced the following month. No wedding gifts were returned. What do you think of this, Ann Landers? - Skunked Somewhere East of the Rockies DEAR SKUNKED: Back in 1993, the Bureau of the Census predicted that four out of 10 first marriages would end in divorce. Many couples split up within the first two years of marriage, although a growing number of divorces are occurring among the elderly. A recent issue of a magazine featured on its cover a photo of actress Courtney Thorne-Smith, radiant and smiling, wearing her elegant bridal gown. There was a six-page spread with Courtney's firsthand account of how she was planning her wedding. Seven months later, the couple separated. Is this a sign of the times? I'm afraid the answer is yes. ****************** Norway's Thoroughly Modern Royal Pair March 5, 2001 By WARREN HOGE OSLO ? With a free Saturday on his hands and a new downtown apartment to fill, the affable 27-year-old man known simply as Haakon put on jeans, sweater and sneakers, bundled himself against the Nordic winter in a gray duffel coat and went to check out some sounds in a record store and shop at discount houses. Hours later, he returned home with his purchases and was greeted by his lover, Mette-Marit Tjessem Hoiby, 27, and her 3-year-old son, Marius. So far, this is nothing out of the ordinary for Oslo, where even the most urbane people dress informally, more than half of children are born out of wedlock and cohabiting is common. But just how common this particular pair are permitted to be has become a test for the famously tolerant Norwegians. Haakon is the country's hereditary prince, a man who one day will quite likely have to trade his earphones for a king's crown. And Ms. Tjessem Hoiby is the woman he intends to make his future queen in a grand cathedral marriage this summer even though her son's father is a convicted cocaine supplier and she had a well-known past in Oslo's dance-and-drugs house party scene. "They are taking on a difficult project that will require sacrifices," wrote Knut Haavik, the editor of Se og Hor (See and Hear), a celebrity magazine that has devoted acres of space to the tantalizing subject. "One cannot arrange a royal wedding with a thousand guests, then go to a house party afterward. "If the young members of the royal family behave like us normal folk, then we don't need them. But if they are willing to take the challenge that the role demands, I assume that the people will give them all the support and warmth they need." The Norwegian monarchy is not the fairy-tale kind, and Norwegians like it that way. The country abolished its aristocracy in the 19th century, and there are no pampered dukes and duchesses to throw tabloid tantrums. Each morning's changing of the guard is more a tin soldier affair than plumed-hat pageantry, and it takes place in public gardens before the unadorned brick and plaster royal palace while office workers hurry past, not noticing. Haakon is a direct descendant of Queen Victoria, but he was educated in public schools and did his higher education not at Balliol College, Oxford, as did his father, King Harald V, and grandfather, Olav V, but at the University of California, Berkeley, where he publicly reveled in a society markedly more diverse than those in Scandinavia. Some Norwegians wonder if the modern-minded heir even favors maintaining the monarchy. A princely smile of recognition greeted mention of this notion during a conversation in Haakon's palace office. His suite, as understated as he is, sits off a white columned hall at the top of a grand staircase leading to the balcony where the family officially surveys the realm on festive days. "Well, first of all, if I can say a little bit about me being a monarchist, the thing is, I see it from the other side," he said. "I really don't have to argue for or against; that's sort of up to the Norwegian people." When he realized his love and his duty might be on a collision course, he contemplated renouncing his claim to the throne, but quickly decided against it. "I think actually it's a good thing that one tries to reflect over the different consequences of your possibilities," he said. "But I think this is where I'm supposed to be." He said his family had been "fantastic from the start." "I talked to them a lot about this in the beginning before it was known in the press," he added, "and then I decided to speak out about these issues myself instead of all these rumors going around. What I said basically was, you know, we as people go through different stages, and that's how it is with my girlfriend, as it is with myself and probably anyone else. And we change with time." The support of his father may be owed to experience. Harald spent 10 years trying to persuade his own father, Olav V, to approve his marriage to his commoner childhood sweetheart, a shopkeeper's daughter who is the present Queen Sonja. And in 1994 he had to intervene when his own daughter, Princess Martha Louise, now 29, was cited as a co- respondent in a divorce proceeding in England where she had been training in riding competitions. Harald cited royal prerogative, and that was the end of that. Opinion polls show that the popularity the royal family has long enjoyed with Norway's four million citizens remains as high as ever since announcement of the engagement in December. "What he lost in respectability of older people, he gained in respectability from younger people," said Lars Roar Langslet, 65, a former culture minister and biographer of King Olav. Trond Nordby, 57, a professor of political science at the University of Oslo known for his antimonarchist views, said, "Some younger people think Haakon is like a rock star." The prince once took a course in which the professor spelled out his argument against the monarchy, and had come to see Mr. Nordby afterward to debate the points. One of Haakon's young admirers, Ine Marie Eriksen, 24, a law student from Tromso who is leader of the Young Conservatives, said: "Why should they have to live by the rules of the 18th century? That would take away the very thing that the Norwegian people like about our monarchy." Norway had a long royal pedigree, but it died out during 500 years of Danish and Swedish rule. The current monarchy began only in 1905 when Norway gained complete independence from Sweden, and it is consequently deeply associated with the country's sense of its own nationhood. There have been only three kings ? Haakon VII (1905-1957), Olav V (1957-1991) and the current monarch, Harald V, who is 63 ? and all have been sovereigns with the common touch that appeals to Norwegians. Haakon VII earned their admiration by refusing to give in to Nazi occupiers and taking the royal family into exile in London. His English wife, Queen Maud, was the daughter of Edward VII, and Norwegians recount with delight a well-known story of the reception Haakon VII received when he showed up at the BBC in London to make a wartime broadcast. "Sorry, dear," the harassed receptionist is said to have asked him, "where did you say you were king of?" During the oil crisis of 1973, Olav endeared himself to his countrymen by abandoning his car and driver one day and taking a seat on the public tram. Asked by a reporter if he was not concerned for his safety, he said, "No, I have no fear, not with four million bodyguards." Every year a motion to install a republic is routinely put forward in Parliament and just as routinely rejected. Mr. Langslet recalled that in the 1980's a leader of the Socialist Left party lamented, "Even if Norway had a president, Norwegians would go out and vote for the king." Asked what he had studied in his three years at Berkeley, Haakon listed international relations, economics, third-world development, international law and a course on the European Union. The last was an intriguing choice, because Norway has chosen to stay out of the group. "I think that the monarchy can stand for certain values in society ? one being respect for human dignity, the others being tolerance and environmental issues," he said. "I think we can say something about international solidarity. These are bipartisan issues." Haakon has been criticized by bishops of the official Lutheran Church for his current living arrangements and his outspoken support for homosexual rights; the church, which he may one day head as king, has barred the ordination of homosexual clerics. "When it comes to what I said about tolerance, women's issues and rights for homosexuals of both genders, I was saying that on the basis of civil society," he explained. "I didn't go into the ongoing discussion in the Norwegian church because that's a matter I shouldn't have an opinion on." He said he valued his freedom to walk around Oslo in relative anonymity and had never thought of donning a disguise. "Oh, no, I think that would be embarrassing if I were found out," he said. At least two security people trail him discreetly; the age of innocence for major Scandinavian figures mixing in public came to a violent end in 1986 when Prime Minister Olof Palme of Sweden was assassinated by a gunman on a Stockholm street as he was walking home from the movies with his wife. Haakon and Ms. Tjessem Hoiby are going to be married Aug. 25 in the Domkirken, Oslo's cathedral, and while things will be celebratory, it will be in the plain Scandinavian manner. Waves from the balcony, yes; gilded coaches, no. "We don't have a tradition for carriage rides here," he said. "Cars will have to do." The Norwegian Constitution now permits women to ascend to the throne so the couple's first-born child will be the heir apparent. As for her son, Haakon said, "Marius will be a full-fledged member of our family, but he will not get a title, unless my father decides to give him one, and I don't think that's very likely." Ms. Tjessem Hoiby is auditing lectures on ethics at the university but is evidently taking on a full course load with the royal household. "Because of the marriage coming up and her new role in life" Haakon said, "there's quite a lot of time she needs to spend on getting to know the palace and the way we operate here." And what about him? Did he imagine he could maintain his informal private life when he becomes king? Haakon sighed at the thought. "Let's say you might see me less in record stores 20 years from now," he said. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 6 10:48:39 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 06 Mar 2001 10:48:39 -0500 Subject: Marriage bonus for welfare? - Colorado: 3/5/01 Message-ID: subject: Marriage bonus for welfare? - Colorado: 3/5/01 from: Smart Marriages > The legislature should welcome opportunities to expand county options. One > such is contained in House Bill 1338, which the House approved last week. It > gives counties authority to pay a one-time bonus to welfare clients who > marry. Rocky Mountain News March 5, 2001 Marriage bonus for welfare? Prophets of doom foretold dire events if Colorado delegated the job of distributing welfare-reform money to the counties. Four years later, it's looking more and more like one of the smartest things the state could have done. A recent report by the National Campaign for Jobs and Income Support, an anti-poverty group, singled out Colorado, along with Maine and Rhode Island, as the only three states that are spending more to alleviate poverty now than they were in 1994. Not that we're usually eager to praise governments for spending more, but the money is available from the federal government as part of its commitment to making welfare reform work. Why shouldn't it be spent to help Colorado families move toward self-sufficiency? And last year it was spent -- $126 million in funds from the program Temporary Assistance to Needy Families -- not only on cash benefits that the counties administer but on ways to support former welfare families who are making the transition to work. "Colorado let the counties fashion the programs and they've done a marvelous job of finding creative uses for the money," said Liz McDonough of the state's Human Services Department. >From child care to auto repair, counties have tried a great variety of programs. Denver is considering an earned-income tax credit at the county level. The most effective strategies can be quickly adopted elsewhere, so counties have the opportunity to learn from each others' experience. The legislature should welcome opportunities to expand county options. One such is contained in House Bill 1338, which the House approved last week. It gives counties authority to pay a one-time bonus to welfare clients who marry. Is that a good idea? Frankly, we don't know, and so we'd hesitate to support a state mandate. But we do agree it would be a good idea to find out. Let the counties who believe it would be helpful try it. The rationale is that when a participant in the Colorado Works program marries, the incomes of both spouses are counted in determining eligibility, which can mean that benefits are cut. Sometimes that's appropriate, if the couple now has two incomes instead of one and one apartment instead of two. In other cases, say where people are already living together and sharing expenses, marriage may cost them benefits even though it doesn't change their financial situation. Obviously that's a disincentive to marry. And since children are generally better off in two-parent families, discouraging marriage often works to children's disadvantage. But would a one-time payment overcome that disincentive? And if so, how much should it be? During debate, legislators mentioned numbers like $500 or $1,000. On the other hand, could the bonus money tempt people to get married who probably shouldn't and otherwise wouldn't? Experience can answer questions like these, and the counties can provide experience. We hope the Senate agrees. March 5, 2001 2001 ? The E.W. Scripps Co. Privacy Policy and User Agreement Questions? Comments? Talk to Us. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Wed Mar 7 19:19:11 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Wed, 07 Mar 2001 19:19:11 -0500 Subject: Richmond/Getaways!/Parrotts - When Bad Things Happen/schools/New York Message-ID: subject: Richmond/Getaways!/Parrott's new book/schools/New York support ATTENTION RICHMOND: March 15th!! The Marriage Builders Alliance of Richmond is holding a breakfast forum "Building Successful Marriages" March 15, on how to develop a basic yet proven model for training Marriage Mentors in congregations. As they say in the brochure, Marriage Mentors in your church same you time and effort and they are EFFECTIVE! Check their web site www.MarriageBuildersAlliance.org for additional programs including a PREP: Lasting Promise workshop and a FOCCUS/REFOCCUS training. Call 804-282-9763 for information. ********* MARRIAGE GETAWAYS: PAIRS residential workshop in beautiful British Columbia!! If you Really loved me: Residential workshop, August 26-31, scenic resort in >British Columbia. Cost $695pp (Canadian dollars - great exchange rate for U.S.) includes room and board! This 5-day experiential PAIRS workshop will enable you to learn a full range of skills, attitudes and beliefs that are critical to nurturing and sustaining love relationships. For couples at any stage of relationship. Taught by Michele and Bud Baldwin, Master PAIRS teachers. For info 312-337-0506 or MABaldwin at aol.com _______________ CANCUN Marriage Workshop: August 25 - Sept 2, 2001 - Spend a week enriching your marriage at this tropical resort. There is still availability in the Cancun Marriage Enrichment workshop. Information available on the web site http://www.ameritech.net/users/leroy/marriage_enrichment_cancun.htm or at leroy at ameritech.net. ******************** PARROTTS LATEST BOOK: Les and Leslie Parrott will present several sessions at the Smart Marriages conference in Orlando - one a seminar on their latest book, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages (Zondervan/HarperCollins). They'll also be part of the session that will update us on the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative - the Parrotts are the Marriage Ambassadors in Oklahoma - appointed by Oklahoma Governor Frank Keating last year. Here's info on the book which you can order on the Smart Marriages website - just click on Books by the Experts on the home page. Every good marriage eventually bumps into bad things: Sexual disapointment. Financial debt. Communication meltdowns. Problems with anger. Infertility. Addictions. The list goes on. Whether is it the subtle saboteurs of business, boredom and irritability, or the atomic bombs of infidelity, depression or loss, the Parrotts show you how to stay together when life tries to pull you apart. Why is this so important? Because every couple starts out smoothly on the path of love and eventually stubs their toes on something they didn't expect. . Read the first chapter and share YOUR marriage success stories at: www.WhenBadThingsHappen.com ****************** SCHOOL PROGRAMS COMMENT: Diane: I want to comment on the content of the article on the school programs in NJ. At best, I found the article disjointed but interesting. Poor aspects concerned Prof. Ravitch's opinion about teaching ceremony which missed the point re. marriage as culture--and failed marriage as disrupted culture. Regarding instructor Lugg's gender comments, she is referring to 2-3% of the adolescent population, whereas most high school students eventually will join the 60 million married couples who reflect the practices of the vast majority (120 million persons) in the US adult population. The advice by Lugg that lesbian and gay individuals might be offended to hear lectures about marriage is tantamount to walkers being offended because high schools provide drivers ed. programs. Best and see you in Orlando, Jim McMahon James McMahon PsyD, PhD, Pres. MATES Foundation ****************** ************************** Marriage & Divorce Column #146 March 7, 2001 Surprised by Joy by Don Harting A couple of weeks ago I used this column to express outrage. This week I'd like to express joy. For someone more accustomed to being angry than happy, this is a change. Please bear with me. The stimulus for the angry column was a state employee in Albany who could not see any connection between the institution of marriage and child welfare. The stimulus for this column is the upcoming national conference for people who can. The wonderful program for the fifth annual Smart Marriages conference just arrived in the mail. Diane Sollee, a fellow adult child of divorced parents from Washington, D.C., has put together an all-star cast of political and academic heavy weights to speak about how we can improve child welfare by strengthening the institution of marriage. Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, the president's brother, appears at the top of the marquee. I realize he's a Republican and that may turn some people off, but it's really cool that the governor of a major state like Florida is part of the marriage movement. Bush will speak during the opening plenary on June 21 about fatherhood, marriage, families and children. He could speak vague platitudes and I'd still be happy. He's giving the movement credibility just by showing up. The next day, Judith Wallerstein will speak. Wallerstein, a best-selling author who holds a doctorate in psychology, has become famous for her research on the long-term effects of divorce upon a small group of families in California. Her work is widely read among social workers, including my wife. Later that day Linda Waite, who teaches sociology at the University of Chicago, will explain how bad marriages can get better. Waite is making a name for herself on the talk-show circuit with her new book, "The Case for Marriage." She will be joined on the podium by Scott Stanley, a professor at the University of Colorado who studies divorce prevention using money from the National Institute of Mental Health. John Gray, author of the best-selling book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," will speak during the banquet on Friday, June 22. Saturday will be devoted to workshops teaching how to strengthen marriages at the local level. Two judges who lead the marriage movement in Michigan will share success stories. Why is this conference such great news? Because people in power are waking up to the damage divorce is doing to our society and they're taking steps to prevent it. The voices of children from America's millions of divorced homes are finally being heard. If the marriage movement continues, hundreds of thousands of children will be protected from heartache, including thousands here in upstate New York. A small but growing number of upstate New Yorkers have joined the Smart Marriages coalition. They include Jim and Jeanne Caverly of Ballston Lake, Rudy and Faith Buettner of North Chili, Betsy and Farley Jones of East Greenbush, Susan Daniels of Watertown, Patricia Ennis of Syracuse and Phyllis Gossard of Saratoga Springs. We have all attended a conference at least once. Farley Jones, for example, is a personal injury lawyer whose wife, a psychiatric nurse who does marriage counseling, convinced him to go last summer. "It's an excellent program," Jones said. "The whole institution of marriage needs to be upheld and promoted and strengthened." As someone who has endured parental divorce for more than 30 years, I have one word to say: Hallelujah! ### Don Harting is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists working from his home near Syracuse. E-mail him at Donharting at aol.com. "Marriage & Divorce" covers the institution of marriage from an upstate New York perspective. Content is similar to a newspaper column by the same name published by daily newspapers serving Auburn, Gloversville, Oneida and Plattsburgh. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by the author. Copyright ? 2001 Mustard Seed Communications. All rights reserved. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 8 08:28:10 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 08 Mar 2001 08:28:10 -0500 Subject: Dutch Offer Winning Formula to Cut Teenage Pregnancies -3/01 Message-ID: subject: Dutch Offer Winning Formula to Cut Teenage Pregnancies -3/01 from: Smart Marriages Friday March 2 11:44 AM ET Dutch Offer Winning Formula to Cut Teenage Pregnancies By Patricia Reaney LONDON (Reuters) - Sex education, free contraceptives and liberal attitudes toward sex are among the best ways to reduce soaring teenage pregnancy rates, a Dutch researcher said Friday. The Dutch should know. The tiny country better known for its cheese, windmills and canals has fewer pregnant teenagers than most Western countries. Less than one percent, or 10 per 1,000, 15-17 year-olds in the Netherlands get pregnant each year, compared to nearly five percent in Britain, which has the highest rate in Western Europe, and 99 per 1,000 in the United States. ``Teenage pregnancy seems virtually eliminated as a health and social problem in the Netherlands,'' Dr. Simone Buitendijk, of the Dutch Institute for Applied Scientific Research in Leiden, told Reuters. The Dutch have seen a steady drop in the number of young mothers for decades as teen pregnancies have been increasing in other countries. In the early 1970s four percent of live births in the Netherlands were to teenagers. By the late 1990s the figure had dropped to one percent. ``It's due to a whole mix of things. It is very hard to pinpoint what the major factor is. The liberal attitude is probably one very important determinant,'' she added in a telephone interview. Better Knowlege Of The Birds And Bees While other countries have been expounding the joys of no sex, the Dutch have accepted that teens are sexually active and have introduced measures to deal with it. ``In Holland teens know about sexuality and about procreation, how it works and what you should do not to become pregnant. Their peers know and it is a very socially acceptable thing to prevent pregnancy,'' she added. Birth control pills are available at pharmacies and free through a National Sick Fund, a state-funded system that ensures low income people have medical care, and statistics show that Dutch teenagers are using them. In 1995, 70 percent of sexually active 18 year-olds were on the pill and 40 percent of students three or four years younger. Eighty-five percent of teens used a condom, the pill or both during their first sexual experience. Buitendijk, who will present the Dutch data at a meeting on child health in London, said condoms are popular among young teenagers but the pill gains preference as they get older. ``Factors that positively influence contraceptive behavior in Dutch teenagers are their sufficient knowledge of reproduction and contraception, the large amount of information available to them both in school and informally and the general permissive attitude the Dutch hold toward teen sexuality,'' she said. Proof that birth control is the key is supported by a drop in teenage abortions in the Netherlands but an increase in sexual activity. So more teens are having sex but fewer are getting pregnant or having abortions. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Fri Mar 9 09:58:32 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Fri, 09 Mar 2001 09:58:32 -0500 Subject: Ann Landers & Norway's Royal Pair: Signs of the Times - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Ann Landers & Norway's Royal Pair: Signs of the Times - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Brief marriage seems sign of times March 02, 2001 DEAR ANN LANDERS: Please advise your readers before they send a wedding gift to check and make sure the couple is still married. I wish I had. "Mary" and "Jerry" were high-school sweethearts. They went together five years before they married. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. The wedding was one of the most beautiful this town has ever seen - bridesmaids, ushers, a flower-laden canopy, a string quartet, a harp - the whole nine yards. I spent a lot more on my dress and the gift than I had a right to, but I was so sure the relationship was rock-solid and that this would be the social event of the year, I went all out. I sent the gift 10 days after the wedding. Guess what? Five weeks after the extravaganza, the couple split. They were divorced the following month. No wedding gifts were returned. What do you think of this, Ann Landers? - Skunked Somewhere East of the Rockies DEAR SKUNKED: Back in 1993, the Bureau of the Census predicted that four out of 10 first marriages would end in divorce. Many couples split up within the first two years of marriage, although a growing number of divorces are occurring among the elderly. A recent issue of a magazine featured on its cover a photo of actress Courtney Thorne-Smith, radiant and smiling, wearing her elegant bridal gown. There was a six-page spread with Courtney's firsthand account of how she was planning her wedding. Seven months later, the couple separated. Is this a sign of the times? I'm afraid the answer is yes. ****************** Norway's Thoroughly Modern Royal Pair March 5, 2001 By WARREN HOGE OSLO ? With a free Saturday on his hands and a new downtown apartment to fill, the affable 27-year-old man known simply as Haakon put on jeans, sweater and sneakers, bundled himself against the Nordic winter in a gray duffel coat and went to check out some sounds in a record store and shop at discount houses. Hours later, he returned home with his purchases and was greeted by his lover, Mette-Marit Tjessem Hoiby, 27, and her 3-year-old son, Marius. So far, this is nothing out of the ordinary for Oslo, where even the most urbane people dress informally, more than half of children are born out of wedlock and cohabiting is common. But just how common this particular pair are permitted to be has become a test for the famously tolerant Norwegians. Haakon is the country's hereditary prince, a man who one day will quite likely have to trade his earphones for a king's crown. And Ms. Tjessem Hoiby is the woman he intends to make his future queen in a grand cathedral marriage this summer even though her son's father is a convicted cocaine supplier and she had a well-known past in Oslo's dance-and-drugs house party scene. "They are taking on a difficult project that will require sacrifices," wrote Knut Haavik, the editor of Se og Hor (See and Hear), a celebrity magazine that has devoted acres of space to the tantalizing subject. "One cannot arrange a royal wedding with a thousand guests, then go to a house party afterward. "If the young members of the royal family behave like us normal folk, then we don't need them. But if they are willing to take the challenge that the role demands, I assume that the people will give them all the support and warmth they need." The Norwegian monarchy is not the fairy-tale kind, and Norwegians like it that way. The country abolished its aristocracy in the 19th century, and there are no pampered dukes and duchesses to throw tabloid tantrums. Each morning's changing of the guard is more a tin soldier affair than plumed-hat pageantry, and it takes place in public gardens before the unadorned brick and plaster royal palace while office workers hurry past, not noticing. Haakon is a direct descendant of Queen Victoria, but he was educated in public schools and did his higher education not at Balliol College, Oxford, as did his father, King Harald V, and grandfather, Olav V, but at the University of California, Berkeley, where he publicly reveled in a society markedly more diverse than those in Scandinavia. Some Norwegians wonder if the modern-minded heir even favors maintaining the monarchy. A princely smile of recognition greeted mention of this notion during a conversation in Haakon's palace office. His suite, as understated as he is, sits off a white columned hall at the top of a grand staircase leading to the balcony where the family officially surveys the realm on festive days. "Well, first of all, if I can say a little bit about me being a monarchist, the thing is, I see it from the other side," he said. "I really don't have to argue for or against; that's sort of up to the Norwegian people." When he realized his love and his duty might be on a collision course, he contemplated renouncing his claim to the throne, but quickly decided against it. "I think actually it's a good thing that one tries to reflect over the different consequences of your possibilities," he said. "But I think this is where I'm supposed to be." He said his family had been "fantastic from the start." "I talked to them a lot about this in the beginning before it was known in the press," he added, "and then I decided to speak out about these issues myself instead of all these rumors going around. What I said basically was, you know, we as people go through different stages, and that's how it is with my girlfriend, as it is with myself and probably anyone else. And we change with time." The support of his father may be owed to experience. Harald spent 10 years trying to persuade his own father, Olav V, to approve his marriage to his commoner childhood sweetheart, a shopkeeper's daughter who is the present Queen Sonja. And in 1994 he had to intervene when his own daughter, Princess Martha Louise, now 29, was cited as a co- respondent in a divorce proceeding in England where she had been training in riding competitions. Harald cited royal prerogative, and that was the end of that. Opinion polls show that the popularity the royal family has long enjoyed with Norway's four million citizens remains as high as ever since announcement of the engagement in December. "What he lost in respectability of older people, he gained in respectability from younger people," said Lars Roar Langslet, 65, a former culture minister and biographer of King Olav. Trond Nordby, 57, a professor of political science at the University of Oslo known for his antimonarchist views, said, "Some younger people think Haakon is like a rock star." The prince once took a course in which the professor spelled out his argument against the monarchy, and had come to see Mr. Nordby afterward to debate the points. One of Haakon's young admirers, Ine Marie Eriksen, 24, a law student from Tromso who is leader of the Young Conservatives, said: "Why should they have to live by the rules of the 18th century? That would take away the very thing that the Norwegian people like about our monarchy." Norway had a long royal pedigree, but it died out during 500 years of Danish and Swedish rule. The current monarchy began only in 1905 when Norway gained complete independence from Sweden, and it is consequently deeply associated with the country's sense of its own nationhood. There have been only three kings ? Haakon VII (1905-1957), Olav V (1957-1991) and the current monarch, Harald V, who is 63 ? and all have been sovereigns with the common touch that appeals to Norwegians. Haakon VII earned their admiration by refusing to give in to Nazi occupiers and taking the royal family into exile in London. His English wife, Queen Maud, was the daughter of Edward VII, and Norwegians recount with delight a well-known story of the reception Haakon VII received when he showed up at the BBC in London to make a wartime broadcast. "Sorry, dear," the harassed receptionist is said to have asked him, "where did you say you were king of?" During the oil crisis of 1973, Olav endeared himself to his countrymen by abandoning his car and driver one day and taking a seat on the public tram. Asked by a reporter if he was not concerned for his safety, he said, "No, I have no fear, not with four million bodyguards." Every year a motion to install a republic is routinely put forward in Parliament and just as routinely rejected. Mr. Langslet recalled that in the 1980's a leader of the Socialist Left party lamented, "Even if Norway had a president, Norwegians would go out and vote for the king." Asked what he had studied in his three years at Berkeley, Haakon listed international relations, economics, third-world development, international law and a course on the European Union. The last was an intriguing choice, because Norway has chosen to stay out of the group. "I think that the monarchy can stand for certain values in society ? one being respect for human dignity, the others being tolerance and environmental issues," he said. "I think we can say something about international solidarity. These are bipartisan issues." Haakon has been criticized by bishops of the official Lutheran Church for his current living arrangements and his outspoken support for homosexual rights; the church, which he may one day head as king, has barred the ordination of homosexual clerics. "When it comes to what I said about tolerance, women's issues and rights for homosexuals of both genders, I was saying that on the basis of civil society," he explained. "I didn't go into the ongoing discussion in the Norwegian church because that's a matter I shouldn't have an opinion on." He said he valued his freedom to walk around Oslo in relative anonymity and had never thought of donning a disguise. "Oh, no, I think that would be embarrassing if I were found out," he said. At least two security people trail him discreetly; the age of innocence for major Scandinavian figures mixing in public came to a violent end in 1986 when Prime Minister Olof Palme of Sweden was assassinated by a gunman on a Stockholm street as he was walking home from the movies with his wife. Haakon and Ms. Tjessem Hoiby are going to be married Aug. 25 in the Domkirken, Oslo's cathedral, and while things will be celebratory, it will be in the plain Scandinavian manner. Waves from the balcony, yes; gilded coaches, no. "We don't have a tradition for carriage rides here," he said. "Cars will have to do." The Norwegian Constitution now permits women to ascend to the throne so the couple's first-born child will be the heir apparent. As for her son, Haakon said, "Marius will be a full-fledged member of our family, but he will not get a title, unless my father decides to give him one, and I don't think that's very likely." Ms. Tjessem Hoiby is auditing lectures on ethics at the university but is evidently taking on a full course load with the royal household. "Because of the marriage coming up and her new role in life" Haakon said, "there's quite a lot of time she needs to spend on getting to know the palace and the way we operate here." And what about him? Did he imagine he could maintain his informal private life when he becomes king? Haakon sighed at the thought. "Let's say you might see me less in record stores 20 years from now," he said. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 10 07:59:21 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 07:59:21 -0500 Subject: Too tired for sex/Mississippi Focus/Marriage Poll/Divorce Commentary Message-ID: subject: Too tired for sex/Mississippi/Marriage Poll/Divorce Commentary from: Smart Marriages A collection of articles you've sent in: Friday, March 9, 2001 Workaholics Too Tired for Sex Wednesday, March 07, 2001 LONDON (Reuters) - Britons who devote long hours to the workplace have no appetite for sex or family once they go home, according to a survey released on Monday. "More than a third of those surveyed who work long hours admit to being workaholics," said the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development, which conducted the survey. "Nearly a third admit that work-related tiredness is causing their sex life to suffer and 14 percent report a loss of, or reduced, libido." The CIPD, which polled 486 Britons who work more than 48 hours a week, along with 139 of their partners, represents personnel managers in the United Kingdom. It found that the self-described workaholics tend to be male, middle-aged and married, many of them managers in the construction, manufacturing or service sectors. Their average income was put at 32,000 pounds ($47,020) and most were parents with partners who also worked. "Seventy percent of partners interviewed by the CIPD report that the 'long hours' worker is sometimes too tired to hold a conversation," said the report. "Over half of all the partners (54 percent) admit that their sex life is suffering because the 'long hours' worker is tired and 43 percent agree that they are fed up with having to shoulder most of the domestic burden," it added. Forty-two percent of workaholics cited their long work hours as a cause of arguments at home, and one in three felt guilty about missing out on their children growing up. Nor were home and family life the only things to suffer. The report said that in the last twelve months "more than a third say they have made mistakes, ranging from fatigue-related mismanagement of people and projects to property damage and personal injury." Surveys show Britons work longer hours than their fellow Europeans, even after the British government introduced the European Union Working Time Directive in July 1998, five years after it was initially adopted. The directive limits Britons to a 48-hour week, but the government added a raft of exceptions to the rules. France by comparison is implementing a cut in the legal work week from 39 hours to 35 to try to promote more employment. In the CIPD survey, three-quarters cited a heavy workload as the main reason for staying so long at their desks. Just one percent said it was out of fear of losing their job. More than half of those interviewed said they had not yet achieved a correct work/life balance. Pleasure also came into it: the self-confessed workaholics reported enjoying work the most and found leisure activities less satisfying than non-workoholics. ********************** MISSISSIPPI FOCUS: > "Every year we pick two or three issues to promote," says Forest Thigpen, > Mississippi Family Council's president. "This year we picked the importance > of marriage - and staying married." > > Thigpen says statistics compiled by the Mississippi State Department of > Health helped select his organization's theme for 2001:> > The 14,056 divorces in 1999 were the second-highest ever recorded in > Mississippi. That number is two and two-thirds times as many divorces as in > 1960. Mississippi Clarion Ledger March 6, 2001 Staying Married Researcher says couples healthier, happier, live longer By Billy Watkins Clarion-Ledger Staff Writer While researching the subject of marriage for a book, Maggie Gallagher posed this question to married men: What would your life be like if you were single? "A lot of 'em said, 'I'd have girlfriends all over the world. I'd be flying down to the Caribbean.' " Gallagher says. "Finally, I just stopped one of them and said, 'I know a lot of divorced people who say they come home to a lonely, cold house every day.' "He wasn't being realistic. When anyone compares their marriage to fantasy, it may not stack up too well. But compare it to reality, and things may not be as bad as they seem." Along with Linda Waite, Gallagher wrote The Case for Marriage (Doubleday, $24.95), which states bluntly that married people are happier than singles. "This is no longer theory," Gallagher says. "We now have 30 years of research to back us up. "And what we've seen is that married people live longer, they're in better mental health with fewer signs of depression, they build wealth together. "And to top it off, they have better sex more often." Waite is professor of sociology at the University of Chicago. Gallagher, who lives in New York City, is a nationally syndicated columnist and director of the marriage program at the Institute of American Values. Gallagher was in Mississippi recently, promoting the book as well as her anti-divorce viewpoint. Her visit was sponsored by the Mississippi Family Council. "Every year we pick two or three issues to promote," says Forest Thigpen, Mississippi Family Council's president. "This year we picked the importance of marriage - and staying married." Thigpen says statistics compiled by the Mississippi State Department of Health helped select his organization's theme for 2001: The 14,056 divorces in 1999 were the second-highest ever recorded in Mississippi. That number is two and two-thirds times as many divorces as in 1960. About 11,000 additional children each year suffer the divorce of their parents. Studies show that children of divorce suffer some of the same problems as children who never had a father present in the home. The studies indicate that children of divorced parents are more likely to become involved in crime or illegal drugs, to drop out of school, to live in poverty, to divorce or never marry when they become adults. "While researching the book, it became quite clear that one of the primary problems married couples face today is the way society has retreated from supporting life-long marriage," says Gallagher, who has been married eight years and has two sons. "When couples are struggling, people are much more likely to say these days, 'It's your life. If you're not happy, get out.' "That's not the foundation marriage was built on. The purpose of marriage is to hold you through unhappy times, to make you realize that this vow of a lifetime is worth struggling for." Gallagher says statistics from the National Survey of Families and Households support her stick-it-out theory. Gallagher and Waite write: "How many couples turn their marriages around? The truth is shocking: 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that five years later their marriages are happier. Most say they've become very happy." They add: "The very worst marriages showed the most dramatic turnarounds." Gallagher says the reasons for improved relationships during that five-year period were many. "At the time they were unhappy, they could've been going through financial stress, illness, death in the family. "But the message is, people can work to solve their problems and resolve them. "Now I'm not talking about abusive marriages. Nobody wants anyone in that situation. We're talking about the normal struggles that most couples go through." Gallagher says statistics also show that less than one-third of people who divorce go on to have a more stable marriage the second time around. "To me, all these numbers say that divorce is a very high-risk strategy," she says. At one stop in Mississippi, Gallagher was asked - by a married man in the audience - about her "better sex more often" claim. "That wasn't the first time I'd been asked that," she says with a laugh. "But the studies show that married people are more satisfied sexually compared to people living together or single people. "Again, it goes back to comparing fantasy with reality. Sometimes the married people think the single people are having all the fun. But a majority of the single people we interviewed had a different viewpoint." Jan Duker, a psychologist and former director of the Mississippi Department of Mental Health in Jackson, says she generally agrees with Gallagher's statements. "I'd like to know more about the data and where (Gallagher and Waite) got it," Duker says. "But I think people who are able to maintain marriage tend to do better. "Society favors married couples. They usually have two incomes. They tend to encourage each other to engage in healthier habits. "And it's certainly a highly-recommended way to raise children. There's no argument there." ***************** CBS NEWS POLL ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE 2/10-12/01: Love And Marriage Little Confidence In Younger Generation On Marriage But Most Americans Are Still Happy They Said 'I Do' CBS News Poll --- Conducted February 10-12, 2001 NEW YORK, Feb. 25, 2001 (CBS) Americans believe those entering marriage today do not take the institution as seriously as their parents' generation did, according to a CBS News Poll. However, married Americans are satisfied with their marriages, and nine out of 10 say they would marry their current spouse if they had to do it all over again. Americans' views of marriage are realistic and romantic at the same time. They recognize that arguments between spouses may be good for a marriage, while at the same time a majority thinks the romance never leaves a relationship. A SERIOUS INSTITUTION Eight in ten Americans feel that people getting married today take the institution of marriage less seriously compared to their parents' generation while only five percent feel they take it more seriously. Back in 1988, 10 percent said those getting married took it more seriously than their parents' generation. Women are a little tougher on the younger generation than men. 82 percent of women say those marrying today do not take it as seriously as the previous generation, while 77 percent of men agree with this assessment. Younger people are equally as critical of today's marriages as their older counterparts. 79 percent of those under 30 say people getting married today do not take it as seriously while 80 percent of those over 30 feel the same way. SATISFACTION Regardless of the perception that marriage isn't taken as seriously today as a generation ago, nearly all married respondents say they are satisfied with their marriages and more than eight in ten are very satisfied with it - virtually unchanged since 1995. 79 percent of women report being very satisfied with their marriage while slightly more - 83 percent - men feel this way. Also, 84 percent of respondents earning more than $30,000 a year say they are very satisfied with their marriage while only 69 percent of those earning under $30,000 feel they are very satisfied. Although a majority of parents and non-parents both report they are satisfied with their marriages, those without children under 18 living at home are a little happier. 77 percent of those with children say they are very satisfied, whereas 84 percent of those without children feel very satisfied. With Americans so satisfied in their marriages, it's no surprise that if they had to do it all over again most would marry the same person. An overwhelming 93 percent of those who are married say they would tie the knot with their current spouse again, unchanged since 1995. COMMUNICATION AND TRUST 88 percent of married Americans rate the communication in their marriage positively, including more than a third who say their communication is excellent. Although that's good news, it's not as good as just a few years ago. In 1997, a higher 48 percent reported the communication in their marriage was excellent. Younger people rate communication in their marriage somewhat better than do older people. Currently, almost half of those under 30 say the communication with their spouse is excellent while only 37 percent of those 65 and over feel the same way. Identical numbers of married men and women - 88 percent - rate their communication as either excellent or good. Eight in ten married Americans say they trust their spouse all of the time, unchanged from nearly 11 years ago. Slightly more men (86 percent) than women (82 percent) trust their spouse all of the time. Only three percent say they trust their spouse only some of the time or never. EXCITEMENT IN MARRIAGES When asked what one thing they could do to add more excitement to their marriage, spending more time together came out on top - 19 percent of married people cited it. Travel together and more romance followed, mentioned by 14 percent and 13 percent respectively. One good sign: 16 percent of married Americans report there's no need for more excitement in their marriage. This is much higher than it was six years ago, when only five percent were content with the excitement in their marriages. Men and women agree that spending more time together would add excitement to their marriage - it was the top response given by both. Time is particularly an issue for those who are married with children; a quarter of parents say more time alone with their spouse would excite their marriage but only 13 percent of those without children agree. Spending more time together is also an issue for younger marrieds; 26 percent of those of under age 45 say more time with their spouse could add excitement to their marriage while only 13 percent of those over 45 feel the same way. 18 percent of those over age 45 feel their marriage doesn't need to be more exciting. ROMANCE Although one in five Americans say romance goes out of a marriage in the first five years and 14 percent says it takes 10 years or more, over half of Americans believe romance never goes out of a marriage. Those who are married are even more confident (64 percent) that the romance never dies. The most pessimistic are unmarrieds, 43 percent of whom say the romance never ends. 29 percent of unmarried respondents say the romance disappears from a marriage within the first five years. Younger Americans also believe the honeymoon is over rather quickly - a quarter of those under 30 say the romance is gone in the first five years of a marriage. Men are a little more optimistic than women when it comes to enduring romance in a marriage. In fact, 18 percent of men say the romance goes out of a marriage within the first five years while a quarter of women feel the same way, including 10 percent of women who say the romance is gone in the first year or two. ARGUMENTS Americans feel that having arguments from time to time is good for a marriage. 78 percent feel arguments are good while 17 percent feel they are bad. This number has dropped since 1995 when 84 percent of Americans felt arguing from time to time was good for a marriage. Married people agree; eight in ten of those who are currently married think occasional arguments can be a good thing. Women are more likely than men to agree that arguments from time to time are a good thing in a marriage. 83 percent of women think arguing can be good, as do 73 percent of men. There are also differences when it comes to age. Eight in ten of those under age 30 feel arguments are a good thing for a marriage while two-thirds (66 percent) of those 65 and over feel the same way. This poll was conducted by telephone February 10-12, 2001, among 1,124 adults nationwide. The error due to sampling could be plus or minus three percentage points for results based on the entire sample. Sampling error for subgroups may be higher. ************************ COMMENTARY: Divorce Made (Too) Easy Commentary by Susan Cheever NEW YORK, Feb. 25, 2001 (CBS) Commentary for CBS News Sunday Morning by novelist and biographer Susan Cheever. It's easy to get married in the United States. All it takes is a license and a trip to the marriage bureau. But it's even easier to get divorced; a few visits to a lawyer, and your friends are congratulating you on a new life. Divorce court has become as much a part of the American scene as health food stores, or baseball diamonds, or college campuses. As a country, we have the highest divorce rate in the world. Marriage laws are the oldest laws in existence. The first were carved in stone in the marketplaces of Babylon by King Hammurabi thousands of years ago. Each society makes marriage laws that favor its needs. In a society that needs soldiers, the marriage laws favor the production of male children. In a society based on property, the marriage laws are engineered to protect property. In a society where women are regarded as possessions, the marriage laws reflect that. Our laws for marriage and divorce, which we adopted from the British laws, clearly do not work any more. Our laws have collided with our culture. This wonderful country of ours is all about a new start. The pilgrims came to Massachusetts looking for a new start. The founding fathers fought a bloody war to earn a new start. The Frontier was a thousand new starts. We love stories about starting over, about redemption, about our realizing our mistakes and beginning a new life. We understand perfectly when a friend says her marriage ended because she and her husband grew apart. But we give little credit to people who stay married against the odds. This is bad for wives and good for divorce lawyers. I have left three marriages myself, each time with the unconditional blessings of my friends. There was always a good reason to leave. Later, when I saw my children's hearts break, I was sorry. Not only sorry that I hadn't stayed married, but that I lived in a world where there seemed to be so few alternatives. For many of us, divorce feels like a liberation instead of the tragedy that it is. Until we change our attitudes, marriage and divorce will stay right here in the same neighborhood. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 10 08:23:19 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 08:23:19 -0500 Subject: Minnesota Marriage Legislation - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Minnesota Marriage Legislation - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Senator Steve Dille of Minnesota has re-introduced a bill giving a $55 waiver on marriage license fees for couples who take a 12 hour premarital education course that includes an inventory, communications skills, and conflict management skills. Some of us marriage educators here in Minnesota helped to craft the bill, which goes beyond what most other states are considering. We involved the county clerks in the discussions, in order to make it logistically feasible. This year we hope to get around Governor Ventura's veto. Stay tuned. The bill can be downloaded at http://www.revisor.leg.state.mn.us/cgi-bin/bldbill.pl?bill=S1021.0&session=l s82 Bill Doherty bdoherty at tc.umn.edu ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 10 11:37:10 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 11:37:10 -0500 Subject: Iowa & Colorado stress key roles of marriage - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Iowa Ceremony stresses key roles of marriage - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages PRINT THIS STORY | E-MAIL THIS STORY Law would honor long-wed couples By John Sanko, News Capitol Bureau January 31, 2001 A lawmaker who fears divorce is unraveling America wants Colorado to be the first state to recognize couples who keep the knot tied. Sen. Bruce Cairns, R-Aurora, proposes giving couples married for 25 or 50 years certificates of commendation from the state registrar of vital statistics. "We're not going to give them a thousand dollar bond or anything -- we don't have that much," said Cairns. "But it's just the idea of some recognition." Cairns, who will celebrate his 28th wedding anniversary in September, said no tax dollars are involved. The program would be run from fees and donations. The couple would get their certificates for free. The GOP lawmaker said he introduced SB 175 because divorce is becoming more common and taking a heavier toll on children of divorced couples. "The General Assembly finds that the state's recognition of the benefits of long-term marriage will also help younger individuals view marriage in more positive terms since studies show that people are marrying later in life, fewer are getting married and those who do marry are more and more likely to divorce," the bill states. Cairns said he knew of no other state that has a similar program. ********************* The Des Moines Register March 3, 2001 Ceremony at Capitol stresses key roles of marriage, family By JENNIFER DUKES LEE Register Staff Writer 03/07/2001 Participants ate wedding cake, sipped punch and chanted "I do" at a rally Tuesday to promote marriage and the family. The event at the state Capitol rotunda had most of the trappings of an Iowa wedding, except for the "Chicken Dance" and garter toss. A Le Mars man and woman even repeated their wedding vows. The "Marriage Matters" rally was organized by the Iowa Family Policy Council, whose leader wants $10 million in state money to be shifted to religious-affiliated groups to work on social problems. The money would be used largely to promote the importance of marriage and two-parent families. "We're not here to say that marriage is for everyone," said Chuck Hurley, a former Republican state lawmaker and president of the Family Policy Council. "We're here to say that on average, kids and adults are much better off in happy, married homes." Gov. Tom Vilsack and both chambers of the Legislature declared the day "Marriage and Family Day." Numerous legislative leaders attended the ceremony, including Senate Majority Leader Stewart Iverson, R-Dows. Iverson married his second wife, Vicki, about six months ago. His first wife died after 29 years of marriage. Iverson said he was "blessed to have two beautiful ladies in my lifetime." "To me, divorce is not an option," he said, then kissed his wife. House Speaker Brent Siegrist, R-Council Bluffs, and Senate President Mary Kramer, R-West Des Moines, also spoke at the event. Ako Abdul-Samad, founder of Creative Visions, a Des Moines social service agency, said society lacked enough married couples to serve as examples to their children. "The key to marriage isn't just to have a piece of paper. The key with marriage is to implement it," Abdul-Samad told the crowd. The event included a short ceremony, in which Mike and Cheryl Wells shared the story of their married life, then repeated their wedding vows. They married in 1977, divorced in 1980 and remarried in 1981. The couple, part owners of Wells Dairy Inc. in Le Mars, maker of Blue Bunny ice cream, brought the treat for lawmakers and others at the Capitol Tuesday. "When you're having troubles in your marriage, there is nothing you can't work through," said Cheryl Wells, 40. "God will help you through it." ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sun Mar 11 14:17:24 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sun, 11 Mar 2001 14:17:24 -0500 Subject: Nashville/Denver/Long-marrieds/MN legislation/Dutch teens/ Message-ID: subject: Nashville/Denver/Long-marrieds/MN legislation/Dutch teens/ from: Smart Marriages NASHVILLE CONFERENCE, MARCH 25-26 Diane, Excitement is building for the Conference on Family Wellness at Lipscomb University in Nashville, TN, March 25-26, featuring Mike and Harriet McManus, Maggie Gallagher, and Judith Wallerstein. Please remind your readers again of this conference, and also, that they are welcome to send materials to us and we will display them, or they can come themselves--no fees involved. Is that a deal or what? Tennessee has one of the highest divorce rates in the nation, and we're doing what we can to curb that and strengthen marriages here. It would be a great opportunity for those who have programs to advertise them. Julie Bumgardner from First Things First in Chattanooga will be with us on Friday night before the conference to participate in a call-in panel on one of the local regional television shows. We met today with a number of prominent clergy in the city and talked by conference phone with Mike McManus. They were very, very receptive and worked on a Community Marriage document. Hope to have a signing on Monday morning, March 26th. All events are sponsored, and are fee and open to the public, except for the breakfast--at which one needs a reservation (it's still free, we just need to know how many to prepare for.) We sent out 1,000 of the Marriage Movement in America documents to clergy, every state and federal legislator (from Tennessee), and other officials in the city. Thanks for your help with publicity. ************ COLORADO FAITH-BASED PROGRAM: Wednesday March 14 4-5:30pm Special seminar on Faith-Based Initiatives at the Denver Doubletree Hotel near the old airport. Speakers Include: - David L. Caprara President and Co-Founder of The Empowerment Network, National Policy Director for the Center for Neighborhood Enterprise, former Deputy Assistant Secretary of the US Department of Health and Human Services - Honorable Walter Fauntroy former DC Delegate to US Congress and pastor of New Bethel Baptist Church, Rev. Fauntroy is a passionate advocate for family and equality. The seminar is offered as part of the Stand Together America banquet. For further information visit http://www.lifespark.com/standtogether/seminar.htm or call (303) 430-4876. This will be a wonderful program and very useful for people of faith who want to apply for federal money supporting programs that can help fix our country. Norbert Szolnoky ******************* Diane: Senator Bruce Cairns, R-Aurora in Colorado, is to be commended for his intentions and efforts to recognize all couples in his state who have been married for a significant amount of time (25-50 years). We are trying to give similar recognition in Utah. In February, Governor Mike Leavitt signed a Declaration on Marriage in recognition of National Marriage Week (February 7-14 2001). He gave a certificate of recognition to the couples married longest in 17 counties in Utah. Governor Leavitt and the First Lady, Jacalyn S. Leavitt also held a press conference in the governor's mansion during National Marriage Week and recognized the couple married longest in Utah. The husband and wife, Marion and Erma Winn from Salt Lake City were present at the press conference and have been married 76 years. (Four television stations in Utah covered the event.) There was also a large billboard in Salt Lake City for four weeks with a picture of the Winns, their names and the length of their marriage. We plan to give similar recognition to other couples in long-term marriages in Utah in 2002. Brent A. Barlow, Chair, Governor's Commission on Marriage - Utah. ******************* >From Bob Ruthazer, CFLE, Director of Marriage Builders Alliance of Richmond. WOW! The Minnesota legislation is unique to all other bills I have seen in that it has wording that would allow 'Marriage Mentors' designated by clergy to be authorized providers of the preparation training. I quote from the bill "The premarital education must be provided by a licensed or ordained minister or the minister's designee," THIS INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE SHOULD BE PART ALL MARRIAGE LEGISLATION !!! Even their Covenant Marriage Bill does not include this. If we are really interested in what is best for marriage, this must be included... otherwise it appears to be a special interest group interested in more clients! I commend this courageous legislation.... it's just the right thing to do! I agree - but actually the legislation in other states also does include "clergy and their designees or any official representative of a religious" entity and goes further to allow "any qualified provider designated by a county governing body" - in Florida it's anyone who registers with the marriage license clerks office and explains their training and qualifications - so anyone who has marriage education course training can participate. - diane ****************** COMMENTS ON DUTCH TEEN PREGNANCY RATES: First, I must comment. So many of you see publishing articles on this list as endorsement of the content! People actually unsubscribed because this article was sent to the list. I repeat again: we share news about what is going on in the United States and the world in regards to marriage and family issues. Especially if the article is pertinent to our focus. We have a program at the Smart Marriages conference on teaching abstinence to teens which makes this alternative view particularly relevant. I can't share all your many responses, but will print three here: - diane Diane, My question regarding the Dutch teen pregnancy study is how many kids are enjoying sex? They are protecting them from pregnancy, but what's happening to their hearts? The figures in this country on teen regrets on sex are pretty troubling. Marline Pearson >I teach a graduate social policy and practice course at the Indiana >University School of Social Work. Just this week were began analyzing social >policies related to the family functions of providing consistent sex for >intimate adult partners and controlling sexual behavior according to social >norms. This piece was so timely and provided an international perspective on >a familiar social problem that I just had to share it with my students. >Thanks. Lorraine Blackman Dear smartmarriages With regard to the piece that you recently put out praising the Dutch for the way they have reduced teen pregnancies perhaps the following press release should be read to give a proper 'balanced' view of the moral state of that country. Quote:For most average, moral people, the status quo in the Netherlands is difficult to understand. It is a country where prostitution, child sexual molestation, and incest are legal (but, with regard to the latter, only until age 16). Drugs and gambling are also legal. Euthanasia has recently been made legal with no parental consent necessary from age 12 onward. Likewise, with abortion, and every other abomination of human behavior. Government sperm-banks are maintained for lesbian couples and, in fact, the Netherlands is the only country in the world where homosexuals can legally marry. Not content to confine their depravity within their own borders, the Dutch have recently instituted "death ships" for an organization called "Women on Waves" run by Dr. Rebecca Gomperts, former ship's physician of Greenpeace's Rainbow Warrior. These ships park in waters just outside of the national boundaries of countries in which abortion is illegal. They run speed-boat "taxi" services to the mainland to transport clients from countries whose citizens have voted for the sanctity of human life. Ireland and Malta are currently targeted. Dr. Philip Nitschke, known as "Dr. Death" in his native Australia, hopes to register additional euthanasia death ships in the Netherlands following Gomperts' model. Roger Eldridge, Co. Roscommon, Ireland, eldridgeandco at eircom.net ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 12 10:06:34 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 10:06:34 -0500 Subject: Stepfamilies Must Work Harder - Horn 3/01 & Children of Div reply Message-ID: subject: Stepfamilies Must Work Harder - Horn 3/01 & Children of Div reply from: Smart Marriages Fatherly Advice Dr. Wade F. Horn President, The National Fatherhood Initiative Title: Stepfamilies Must Work a Little Harder Date: February 6, 2001 Q: I'm about to marry a woman with two children, ages 6 and 8. I've heard that stepfamilies are more difficult to manage than first-time families. Is this true, and if so, what advice can you give to help us be a successful stepfamily? A: About 7 percent of all children live with a biological parent and a stepparent. About eight of every 10 children living with a stepparent resides with their biological mother and a stepfather. These statistics, however, only tell part of the story. When one takes into account both remarriages and cohabitation, nearly 30 percent of all children will spend at least a portion of their childhood in a stepfamily. Hence, stepfamilies, while not the rule, are more common than many people realize. Unfortunately, research consistently finds that children reared in stepfamilies do not, on average, fare as well as children reared in households with continuously married parents. For example, children reared in stepfamilies are more likely to develop emotional and behavioral problems, fail at school and commit crime, compared to those living in households with continuously married parents. Indeed, even though remarriage brings more income and a second adult into the household, studies find remarriage by a single mother does not negate the adverse consequences associated with children who grow up in a single-parent family. On some measures, most especially crime, children in stepfamilies actually may do worse. Making matters worse, second marriages run a greater risk of dissolution than first marriages, and the risk is even higher when children are involved. By some estimates, as many as two out of three stepfamilies break up. These statistics can be viewed in several ways. The first is to interpret them to mean that all children in stepfamilies are doomed. This, of course, is untrue. Yes, being reared in a stepfamily raises the risk of poor outcomes for children. That doesn't mean, however, that every child reared in a stepfamily experiences significant difficulties. Moreover, simply emphasizing the negative doesn't help stepfamilies be successful. It only serves to demoralize them. The second way of looking at these statistics is to deny they exist. That's like telling a smoker to ignore evidence that smoking increases the risk of developing lung cancer. But pretending a risk doesn't exist doesn't reduce that risk one bit. It only reduces one's motivation to do something about it. Fortunately, there is a third way to look at these statistics, and it is this: Precisely because children in stepfamilies are at greater risk of poor developmental outcomes than those in households with continuously married parents, we need to do a better job of giving stepfamilies the information and support they need to build and sustain healthy families. If that sounds like commonsense, well, that's because it is. Unfortunately, commonsense seems to be in awfully short supply these days. So, here's my advice for men who are about to become stepfathers, based on a review of the empirical literature on stepfamilies conducted by my research assistant Anna Degraffinreid: Reaffirm your commitment to your wife daily. Use the knowledge that stepfamilies are hard on marriages as motivation to work to keep your marriage strong and vital. This means taking extra care to listen to your wife, compliment her, show appreciation for what she does and be affectionate toward her. Eradicate unrealistic expectations. Recognize that stepfamilies are different from first-time families. Don't expect that just because you and your wife walked down the aisle together means your children naturally will blend into one, big happy family. Instead, recognize that children in stepfamilies frequently experience loyalty conflicts between their new family and their older one. Becoming a successful stepfamily will take time. Be patient. Set up rules concerning discipline. One common mistake stepfathers make is over-disciplining their stepchildren. Do create household rules with your wife, but in the beginning at least, allow her to be the primary disciplinarian for your stepchildren. Plan appropriate ways of relating to your stepchildren. The relationship between stepfathers and stepchildren is not - and never will be - the same as the relationship between biological fathers and their biological children. Different, however, doesn't mean better or worse; it means different. Don't force your kids to treat you as if you are their biological father. This means, for example, that you shouldn't insist that they call you "dad." Establish a structured and predictable household. For children, structure and predictability equal security. This is especially true for stepchildren. They already have experienced the dissolution of one family. Developing a predictable and structured household will help reassure them the same thing is not likely to happen to this one. Create a reliable presence in your stepfamily's life. Keep the commitments you make to your stepchildren. Avoid making commitments you may not be able to keep. In short, be a man of your word. Take time to have fun and enjoy each other. Family life shouldn't be all work. Take time to play and enjoy each other's company. Create new family traditions through shared activities. Above all, keep or cultivate a sense of humor. This journey isn't going to be easy. You'll need to laugh a little along the way. The bottom line: Stepfathers must R-E-S-P-E-C-T the uniqueness of stepfamilies. Making a success of stepfamilies is a more difficult proposition than succeeding as a first-time family. By recognizing the uniqueness of stepfamilies and the need to play by a different set of rules, however, stepfamilies can succeed and even thrive - no matter what statistics may suggest to the contrary. Dr. Wade F. Horn is President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, a clinical child psychologist, and co-author of several books on parenting including the Better Homes and Gardens New Father Book (Meredith, 1998) and the Better Homes and Gardens New Teen Book (Meredith, 1999). Send your question about dads, children or fatherhood to: The National Fatherhood Initiative, 101 Lake Forest Blvd, Suite 360, Gaithersburg, MD 20877, or e-mail him at NFI1995 at aol.com. *************** In general, what Elizabeth Marquardt has to say in her article "Children of Divorce: Stories of Exile" (Christian Century, Feb. 21, 2001) makes a certain amount of sense. However, I have a few comments of my own which I would like to add. As a child of divorce now aged 40, I grew up in society which placed heavy emphasis on coping with divorce and seemed to pay little or no attention to making marriages work. This divorce coping emphasis, which was supposed to solve everything, did not suffice to prevent my life from being repeatedly disrupted over a period of years by multiple marriages and divorce and by three step-parents who included an alcoholic and a psychological abuser. I ended up neither able nor willing to enter into marriage or any romantic relationships. In general I didn't find divorce coping advice and counseling a satisfactory substitute for having a father willing to honor his marital commitment. As far as churches are concerned, I would have problems with any approach to divorce that consists solely of helping someone cope with another person's decision to split up with no attempt ever made to help couples overcome the forces that threaten to split them irretrievably apart. Such an emphasis, to my way of thinking, can only lead to endless divorce. To a person like myself who has reached my saturation point with divorce, no prospect could be more intolerable. In view of the above, I cannot feel comfortable with a church that doesn't have one or more marriage strengthening programs. In fact, I stopped attending the church where I've been a member for ten years mainly because I was getting nowhere in my attempts to persuade others to support and help out with any such programs. This despite the fact that I am single by choice and don't envision getting married in the future. Sound strange? Let me explain further. I have long believed that morally marriage strengthening is the right thing for every church to do: Given conditions in today's society, no church that teaches that "God is love" can afford to be without provisions for protecting and nurturing the love that enables marriages to succeed instead of disintegrating. Churches without any formal marriage strengthening programs may feel they're doing all they need to for married couples by offering a place where people get to know each other. Yet even in a close knit church where everyone knows everyone else, the divorce rate may well mirror that of the general population at 50 percent. While people's knowing one another may provide certain benefits up to a point, when it comes to marriage strengthening, merely promoting friendly get togethers is not enough. I freely admit that there is also a psychological element behind my fierce dedication to the idea of marriage strengthening programs. In offering programs a church or organization in effect is making a statement that it cares whether its members are willing and able to stick to their marital commitments. Members of a church lacking any formal program may offer reassurances that the church is doing all it can and should do to keep its members' marriages strong, but for me words are not enough. I need something tangible. All too often, the only thing tangible in my life, where marriage and my family are concerned, has been problems followed by the inevitable marriage breakup. In my lifetime, this has happened every time anyone in my immediate family has gotten married. My parents and my older sister, between them, are up to five divorces so far. When I say I've reached my saturation point with divorces, I am not exaggerating! I like what Elizabeth M. has to say on the importance of working to save low-conflict marriages and especially her promotion of marriage education for couples. However, I would go even further in promoting marriage education. I firmly believe such education on the part of churches should not wait until after marriage; it should begin as soon as an individual learns how to walk! I would like, for instance, to see as many churches as possible establish programs in which children and/or teens are paired up with happily married couples. All too often, children (like myself) grow up without ever seeing that marriages can be happy, healthy, and lasting. Lacking the opportunity to see any examples of successful marriages when growing up, young adults all too often end up, as Judith Wallerstein put it, "trying to become a dancer without having seen a dance." Never having had the example of a successful marriage before them, adult children of divorce end up failing at their own marriages, and the pattern of divorce carried out by their parents perpetuates itself. This, in my view, is the greatest tragedy of divorce. Somehow, somewhere, we've got to try to break this pattern, and I know of no better place for churches to begin than by exposing children and teens to marriages that work. For young adults involved in romantic relationships but not yet married, this marriage education might take the form of pairing up young unmarried couples with couples who are married. Then the possible future spouses could hear the voice of experience and know that others before them have faced and dealt with the problems and concerns that they face. These are a few of my thoughts concerning the article by Elizabeth Marquardt. You may print all or a portion of this for the "Smart Marriages" list if you wish. --Cindy Coan cjcoan at azstarnet.com ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 12 10:17:43 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 10:17:43 -0500 Subject: Ramifications of Genetic Testing for Paternity - 2/01 Message-ID: subject: Ramifications of Genetic Testing for Paternity - 2/01 from: Smart Marriages In Genetic Testing for Paternity, Law Often Lags Behind Science New York Times, Feb 3, 01 By TAMAR LEWIN BIG SPRING, Tex. It should have been good news when Morgan Wise's doctor told him that genetic testing showed he was not a carrier of cystic fibrosis, the disease his youngest child, Rauli, has struggled with since birth. But instead, the 1999 test results led to the complete unraveling of Mr. Wise's relationship with Rauli and his three other children. "For a child to have cystic fibrosis, both parents have to be carriers," Mr. Wise said. "When I got the results, my first thought was maybe we'd misdiagnosed Rauli. But the doctor came around from his desk and said, `I'm just going to come straight out with it: Is there any reason to think this boy may not be yours?' He advised me to have DNA paternity testing. I was in such shock I couldn't even drive home." The paternity tests showed that Mr. Wise had not fathered Rauli or his two other sons, Marti and Rowdi. Of the four children born during his marriage to Wanda Fryar, which ended in 1996, only the eldest, daughter Carli, was biologically his. But the court that had handled his divorce would not consider the genetic evidence and refused to allow him to stop paying child support for the boys. The court also cut off his visitation rights, even with his biological daughter. For centuries, courts have presumed that all children born within marriage are fathered by the husband. Because courts could not prove paternity, the thinking went, excluding any evidence of infidelity was the best way to protect children from the stigma of illegitimacy, men from the shame of cuckoldry - and society from marital disruption. These days, though, genetic testing has made determining paternity simple, even routine. According to the American Association of Blood Banks, 280,000 paternity tests were conducted in 1999, three times as many as a decade earlier. And in 28 percent of the tests, the man tested was found not to be the father. But in most states, the law has not caught up with the science. And in dozens of cases around the country, divorced men like Mr. Wise - and single men who have previously acknowledged paternity - are having their genetic evidence of non paternity rejected by the courts. They are also being ordered to continue supporting children they did not father. Many lawyers say the old policy still makes sense, because once paternity has been assigned, either as part of a divorce order or in a separate paternity proceeding, courts should not revisit the question. Furthermore, they say, there is something unseemly about men trying to get out of supporting children who have loved and depended on them. But lawyers representing the deceived men see it differently: the unseemly thing, they say, is forcing a man like Mr. Wise to assume financial responsibility for children he was duped into believing were his own, children another man should be supporting. "Morgan Wise is the victim here, he's not the one who did wrong, but he's the one being punished," said Mr. Wise's lawyer, Robert Miller, who argued his case last month to the state appeals court in Eastland, Tex. Phyllis Royal, the lawyer for Ms. Fryar, said neither she nor her client would discuss the case. While Mr. Wise's case made headlines in Texas, there are similar cases scattered throughout the country each year, many of them resolved in the privacy of family court, or, if appealed, reported only under the parents' initials. "Now that DNA testing has washed off the table the reasons we didn't use to allow paternity evidence, we have to decide whether there are other reasons to keep that evidence out, like child support and fairness," said Carol Sanger, a family law professor at Columbia Law School. "We no longer run the risk of a gazillion people coming forward to say `Howard Hughes is my father' because we can say, `Stick out your finger and we'll see,' " Ms. Sanger said. "But there are real concerns about letting biology trump all. The state may want to make sure that if they take one dad off the hook, they will have another one paying. The underlying question is, what establishes a parental relationship?" The issue is complicated, she said: Any policy that emphasizes biological ties could upset the nascent recognition of nontraditional families, such as same-sex partnerships. And children may suffer from the disruption of their ties to a father figure. But other experts say any legal policy that will not acknowledge scientific truth is disturbing, especially at a time when criminal courts are allowing people to use DNA evidence to prove their innocence, no matter how long after a crime. "It's a real question: if we let DNA do its work in the criminal justice system, why not in the family court system?" Ms. Sanger said. "The answer is that the concerns are different. We never want an innocent person in jail. But to put it in the most melodramatic way, in the paternity situation, children are the innocent party. While some people might see the refusal to accept DNA evidence of nonpaternity as rewarding the wife for deception, I think courts look at its use as punishing the children." Many of the cases follow similar patterns. Often a man gets genetic testing when his ex-wife limits his contact with the child or when he begins to wonder why the child does not resemble him. In other cases, testing is prompted by relatives' hints that he is not the father. The question of how long a man has to disavow paternity - or whether he can ever introduce genetic evidence of nonpaternity - differs from state to state. Some states will hear such evidence only within two years of a child's birth; others allow as much as five years. Last fall, Ohio enacted a law exempting men from child support if genetic testing shows that they are not the father. Similar legislation has been introduced in New Jersey. In Maryland, in a group of cases involving unmarried men who had previously acknowledged paternity, the state's highest court ruled last year that there was no time limit on their right to use genetic testing to prove nonpaternity. Late last year, seeking to create a national standard, the National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws proposed an act - introduced as legislation this year in several states, including Texas - giving men two years from a child's birth to challenge paternity. "In looking at this, we found that something like 5 percent of marital children, maybe up to 10 percent, are not the biological children of the husband," said Harry Tindall, the Houston lawyer who was chairman of the committee that drafted the model law. "I think there has to be some window of opportunity for challenge, but we say you have two years from birth to either put up or shut up." But two years would not have helped Mr. Wise, a railroad engineer who said he had never doubted his paternity until he underwent cystic fibrosis testing two years ago, when his sons were 6, 8 and 10. By then, he and Ms. Fryar had divorced, and he had fought for, and won, custody of all four children. He gave custody of the children to his former wife in January 1999, shortly before being tested, when the travel demands of his job became overwhelming. At the time, the court granted him the same visitation rights his former wife had previously had, and ordered him to pay $1,100 a month in child support. Even after finding that the boys were not his biological children, Mr. Wise said he had hoped to maintain his relationship with them. "I told them I was still their daddy, and I loved them as much as the day they were born - the only thing that was different was I was not their birth father," he said. "I would still like to go on doing things for them, directly, but I don't see why I should be writing checks to a woman who deceived me all those years." But Judge Robert H. Moore III of Howard County District Court refused to end Mr. Wise's child support obligation. He also cut off his visitation rights - a combination that baffles many experts in family law. Judge Moore would not discuss the case. He referred questions to Celia Trimble Boone, the lawyer representing Dwayne Alexander, the man Mr. Wise has come to believe is the children's biological father. "The judge made it clear to all parties that they were not to talk to the children about this, and when Morgan did so, that's why he cut off visitation," Ms. Boone said. "On child support, the judge just followed the law of Texas, which is that once paternity is established, that's it." Ms. Fryar has remarried. In the appeal, her brief argued that Mr. Wise should have known to raise the paternity issue in the divorce: before the boys were born, the court papers said, Mr. Wise had found a note Ms. Fryar had written, but not sent, to Mr. Alexander, offering to leave her husband. Furthermore, the documents indicate, Mr. Wise had suspicions of several other relationships she had had. Mr. Wise said in the court papers that he had not known his wife was seriously involved with Mr. Alexander, and that he and his wife had talked about the note and, he thought, resolved their problems. "If I'd known she was cheating on me, I would have left her," he said. For now, Mr. Wise has no formal contact with the children of his previous marriage, even though they all live in the same small West Texas town, where everyone knows the whole story. "About the only time I see the kids," he said, "is if I can go watch Carli's volleyball game over at school, or if I run into one of the boys." Since Mr. Wise got his test results, Mr. Miller said, two of his other clients have discovered they were not the biological fathers of the children they were rearing. Neither of those men, though, acted on the knowledge, choosing instead to maintain an unchanged relationship with the children. "I now advise every man who's getting a divorce to get paternity testing," Mr. Miller said. "I don't like it much, but now it seems like it could be malpractice not to warn them." ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 12 13:07:29 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 13:07:29 -0500 Subject: Bush: Charitable Choice/Louisiana divorce action/Nashville/replies Message-ID: subject: Bush: Charitable Choice/Louisiana divorce action/Nashville/replies from: Smart Marriages THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE: "The Case for Marriage" by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher just hit #121 on amazon.com - pretty good for a book that's been out six months! Get your copy and have Linda sign it at Smart Marriages where she'll do a follow-up keynote on the research in the book "How Bad Marriages Go Good". Click here to order with the amazon discounted price of only $19.96. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385500858/smartmarriages **************** NASHVILLE FREE MARRIAGE CONFERENCE CONTACT INFO: Sorry, I didn't realize the contact info wasn't included in the update I sent for the March 25 & 26th conference featuring McManus, Gallagher and Wallerstein. Contact: John.Conger at lipscomb.edu Also try: Family and Consumer Sciences at 1-800-333-4358, ext. 6108. Or check the web at www.Lipscomb.edu. ************* PRESIDENT DELAYS ACTION ON FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE: Bush encounters opposition from unexpected quarters to his "compassionate conservative" initiative to engage religious organizations to combat social problems: By Dana Milbank and Thomas B. Edsall THE WASHINGTON POST WASHINGTON, March 12 ? The Bush administration will delay action on parts of its plan to channel more government money to religious charities until it can quiet some of the surprisingly vehement opposition to the program. For more on the story, double click: http://msnbc.com/news/542789.asp *********************** LOUISIANA DIVORCE INITIATIVE: Hello Diane, I am a subscriber to your email list. I have been frantically searching for a way to stop my husband from divorcing me and have found your list very helpful. In our case, my husband became very depressed and confused because of some problems that could be easily worked out. Instead of seeking advice from a counselor he sought advice from a lawyer. I was then locked out of our home and slapped with a restraining order from any type of communication including by telephone. Lawyers do all they can to destroy any chance of reconciliation. I have since been doing a lot of research in my state of Louisiana and I would like to let you know about something you may want to pass along to the rest of the list. I have been in touch by email with LSU Law Professor Katherine Spaht. She told me about an Executive Council on Marriage that they have been working on. It is now just waiting for Governor Foster's signature. Once in place she told me they plan to work on longer waiting periods and mandatory counseling for all divorcing couples. This can save many marriages. It is very important to get this signed and so I emailed Governor Foster asking him to please sign it. I got a phone call from his office wanting more information from me. I thought that maybe you would consider letting this list know about this so that interested Louisiana citizens can also contact the Governor's office requesting that he sign it. There is strength in numbers. Anyone doing so should ask to please sign the "Executive Council on Marriage" and support longer waiting periods and mandatory counseling for all divorcing couples. Here is how to contact Governor Foster: By email: http://www.gov.state.la.us/contact/contact2.htm By snail mail: Office of the Governor Attn: Constituent Services P.O. Box 94004 Baton Rouge, LA 70804-9004 By Telephone: (225) 342-0991 Thank you, Michele Gauthier Metairie, LA MicheleG1018 at aol.com ***************** LOVE HORMONES: Diane, The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D. describes all the hormones in detail and is a useful book for those interested in the biochemistry of emotions. Rita DeMaria ********************* CBS: FOCUS ON COUPLES Another sign of the times: check out the collection of stories from CBS News that focus on couples and on the "mystery that is love." You might find some illustrations to use in your teaching - or in your own romance. http://www.cbsnews.com/now/story/0,1597,275276-412,00.shtml ************************** DNA TESTING REPLY Hi Diane - Thanks for circulating the NY Times article on paternity fraud. Attached was my response to the Times. Regards, Neil To the Editor: Thank you for the well-researched report on paternity fraud ("In Genetic Testing for Paternity, Law Often Lags Behind Science," Mar. 11). The practical, and compassionate, solution to the problem is automatic paternity testing at birth, or even earlier. This is the only way to prevent the hard issues that arise when fraud is uncovered years after a father and child have grown to love each other deeply. Sincerely, Neil Steyskal Washington DC **************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 12 14:45:26 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 14:45:26 -0500 Subject: Miserable marriages can make you sick - 3/12/01 Message-ID: subject: Miserable marriages can make you sick - 3/12/01 from: Smart Marriages 03/12/2001 - Miserable marriages can make you sick By Marilyn Elias, USA TODAY MONTEREY, Calif. ? Is it really so nice to have a man around the house? Yes and no. A happy marriage apparently helps protect women from strokes and heart attacks after menopause, when their risk rises sharply. But a miserable match also makes its mark, as seen on ultrasound scans of carotid arteries and the aorta, by putting women at much higher risk for dying of cardiovascular disease, a scientist reported over the weekend. The new findings may shed light on why marriage is shown to benefit women's health in some studies but not in others. Wives typically are grouped together, the happily and unhappily wed, and "that obscures the relationship between marriage and health," says Wendy Troxel, a researcher at the University of Pittsburgh, who presented her findings at the American Psychosomatic Society meeting here. In her study with psychologist Karen Matthews, 490 women were followed from premenopausal years in their 40s to at least five years after menopause. About three-quarters were married. Each married woman was asked how satisfied she was with several areas of her marriage. Blood pressure, body mass index and cholesterol levels also were checked. After menopause, the women all got body scans that look for early signs of cardiovascular disease. Among major findings: ? Before menopause, the unhappily married were significantly worse off on heart disease risk factors such as high blood pressure and cholesterol than either the happily wed or single women. ? After menopause, happily married women had the best cardiovascular health, as seen on body scans. ? Single women were significantly worse off, and so were women in unhappy marriages. "Women might think they're shrugging off a miserable relationship, but their body feels it," Troxel says. Apart from stress-induced rises in blood pressure, "we have to ask if they're gaining weight or not exercising because the marriage is so stressful," she says. The new findings don't surprise Ohio State University psychologist Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, whose studies have shown that verbal conflicts in marriage upset women more than men and also lead them to become ill more often than their partners. "Women are much more physically responsive to interactions in marriage," Kiecolt-Glaser says. "They remember the arguments in detail, and they also remember the positive exchanges more vividly than men." ?????????? To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 13:38:25 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 13:38:25 -0500 Subject: Arkansas House passes Covenant Marriage legislation - 3/13/01 Message-ID: subject: Arkansas House passes Covenant Marriage legislation - 3/13/01 from: Smart Marriages MICHAEL ROWETT AND MICHAEL R. WICKLINE ARKANSAS DEMOCRAT-GAZETTE The Arkansas House of Representatives approved a bill Monday that would allow couples to enter into a "covenant marriage," a concept aimed at curbing divorce. After an hour of debate, a 57-37 vote sent House Bill 2039 by Rep. Russ Hunt, R-Searcy, to the Senate. Backed by Gov. Mike Huckabee, the measure would require agreeing couples to sign a contract permitting a judge to grant a divorce only in specific cases and only if they first receive marriage counseling. Huckabee, who was a Baptist minister before he entered politics, has said his goal is to reduce Arkansas' divorce rate by half during the next decade. If HB2039 becomes law, Arkansas would join Arizona and Louisiana as states that have such laws. Statistics show that about 3 percent of couples in those two states participate in the program. Hunt and other proponents of HB2039 said it could help reduce the rate of divorce in Arkansas, which, according to recent statistics, is topped only by rates in Nevada and Tennessee. "Statistics show that 75 percent of children in divorced homes live below the poverty level," said Hunt, the governor's floor leader in the House. "It's a significant public policy interest for us to stop [divorce]." Arkansas' rate was 6.4 divorces per 1,000 people in 1998, declining from a peak of 7.6 per 1,000 people in 1992. Divorce has become more accessible in recent decades. Before the 1960s, Arkansas' laws generally required the consent of both spouses or proof of fault, such as adultery, to divorce. Hunt stressed the optional nature of whether to enter into a covenant marriage contract. "We're not mandating anything, folks," he said. Opponents of HB2039 said the state has no business involving itself in the preservation of marriages. "I hate divorce and believe that God hates divorce," said Rep. Don House, D-Walnut Ridge. "Nonetheless, the Legislature is not a church, and the Legislature can't even preach. This a fundamental matter I believe belongs with the husband and wife, in the home and in the church, and not in the state Legislature." HB 2039 includes these provisions for covenant marriages: <<...OLE_Obj...>> Couples agree that "only when there has been a complete and total breach of the marital covenant commitment may a party seek a declaration that the marriage is no longer legally recognized." <<...OLE_Obj...>> Prerequisites for signing the contract are premarital counseling discussing the obligations in covenant marriage and signing an affidavit that they understand the grounds that would govern dissolving the marriage under the covenant marriage arrangement. <<...OLE_Obj...>> Couples may enter into a covenant marriage by declaring their intent to do so on their marriage license application and executing a declaration of intent to do so under the terms specified in HB2039. The contract states that, before seeking a divorce, the couple, if they experience difficulties, commit themselves "to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling." <<...OLE_Obj...>> Those who have signed a covenant marriage may be granted a divorce within the usual 30-day period only upon proof of adultery, commission of a felony that led to imprisonment or the death penalty or physical or sexual abuse of the spouse seeking the divorce or a child of one of the spouses. Divorces also could be granted if the spouses have been separated for a period of two years without reconciliation if there are no children produced by the marriage or two and a half years if there are children ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 14:30:48 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 14:30:48 -0500 Subject: Mate influences blook pressure - 3/13/01 Message-ID: subject: Mate influences blook pressure - 3/13/01 from: Smart Marriages Mate influences blood pressure By Marilyn Elias, USA TODAY MONTEREY, Calif. ? A happy marriage may be good medicine for people with mild hypertension, and a bad marriage apparently can drive their blood pressure up over time, a Toronto researcher reported. The study followed 103 couples, each with one mildly hypertensive spouse, to see whether their marriages affect blood pressure. Those with mild high blood pressure have a diastolic (bottom) reading of slightly over 90. Blood pressure readings were taken at the start, and participants reported how much contact they had with their mates on a typical workday. Spouses also filled out questionnaires about their marriages. Three years later, the checks on blood pressure and marital contact were repeated. One big surprise: The happily married were spending nearly twice as much time together on an average workday as three years earlier, says Brian Baker of the University of Toronto Medical School. And contact in these good marriages seemed to help a mate's hypertension. Blood pressure fell by 6 points on average. Spouses in unhappy marriages were spending just a few minutes more together every day, but this contact was bad for their health. More time together correlated with higher blood pressure. Overall, the mildly hypertensive in unhappy marriages had blood pressure 6 points higher three years later. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 14:48:58 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 14:48:58 -0500 Subject: A Married Man is a Healthy Man, study finds - 3/8/01 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: A Married Man is a Healthy Man, study finds - 3/8/01 from: Smart Marriages > A Married Man Is A Healthy > Man, Study Finds > By Suzanne Rostler > http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010308/hl/married_1.html > 3-8-1 > > > NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Men who become widowed or divorced may lose > more than a spouse. They are also likely to give up a range of health > habits that help protect against disease and early death, results of a > study suggest. > > The findings, which are scheduled to be presented this week at the annual > meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society in Monterey, California, show > that recently divorced and widowed men eat fewer vegetables, drink more > alcohol, and are less likely to quit smoking than their married > counterparts. > > The study results support the idea that marriage is good for men. Research > has shown, for instance, that divorced men are more likely to drink, smoke, > commit suicide, develop Alzheimer's disease, and die prematurely. > > In the current trial of nearly 30,000 men, vegetable intake declined by > more than three servings per week in men following the death of a spouse, > and nearly two servings per week after a divorce. > > Divorced men were also more likely to smoke than their married peers but > those who remarried were likely to quit, findings show. Widowed men were > more likely than married men to drink heavily--more than 21 drinks a week. > > It is not clear from the study why widowers or newly single men may be more > lax when it comes to their health, but study co-author Dr. Ichiro Kawachi > speculates that women have a salutary effect on men. > > ``Women in general are much better at keeping doctor and dentist > appointments. And there may be an unequal distribution of cooking tasks at > home...even though most women are also working in paid jobs,'' said > Kawachi, from Harvard School of Public Health in Boston, Massachusetts. > > Indeed, newly single men also increased their consumption of fried foods > outside the home. > > Kawachi said that doctors should be aware of their male patients' marital > status and inquire about changes when their health habits begin to slip. > > According to an earlier study, divorce or marital separation more than > doubled the risk of suicide in men but was unrelated to suicide risks in > women. Another study linked lower blood pressure in men with social support > from a spouse. > > > > From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 16:45:38 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 16:45:38 -0500 Subject: Married couples healthier & happier than singles - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Married couples healthier & happier than singles - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Two articles, don't miss the second one on bachelors and depression. ISSUE 2109 Sunday 4 March 2001 Electronic London Telegraph Url for links to lots of great articles on marriage and relationships: http://www.telegraph.co.uk:80/et?ac=003864436460684&rtmo=kCCxoNJp&atmo=rrrrr rrq&pg=/et/01/3/4/nhap04.html Married couples happier than 'mid-life' singles By Martin Bentham, Social Affairs Correspondent AN increasing number of single people have a lonely "monastic" life that leaves them less happy than married couples, according to a new report. In contrast to the notion that most unattached adults enjoy a carefree way of life similar to that of the television character Ally McBeal, dominated by socialising and romance, the report, by Mintel, warns that the majority of singles lead mundane lives in which drinking, dating and recreation play only a minor part. This is particularly the case as they become older, with one in four of "mid-life" singles, those aged 35 and above, admitting that they have not had a relationship in the past five years. Only five per cent of this age group say that they are still able to meet a wide range of new partners. The prospects for romance are better for younger singles but, even among those in their twenties, 10 per cent say that they have not had a relationship for five years. Similarly, while a quarter of singles aged between 20 and 24 claim to "play the field", with a succession of new lovers, this figure drops sharply to just 13 per cent for those aged 25 to 34. Time spent in bars, cinemas and on foreign holidays also declines significantly as single people become older, with socialising taking place more often in friends' homes or, sometimes, not at all. Emma Besbrode, the author of the report, which was based on a study of 1,175 single people and nearly 2,000 couples, said the findings showed that the belief that singles could continue to enjoy a fun-filled, carefree existence indefinitely was mistaken. In fact, most single people behaved more like their peers, with those in their thirties and forties living lives which differed little from the existence enjoyed by married or co-habiting couples of similar age. Furthermore, even though single people did not have to cope with the pressures of raising young children, the research found that they were less happy than couples with family commitments. Only 49 per cent of older singles said that they felt happier than they were five years ago, compared with 61 per cent of couples. Nearly one in three said that they were less happy, compared with just 18 per cent of their peers who were living with a partner. Younger singles were also less likely than couples to say they were happier than five years ago, although the difference is less marked. Ms Besbrode said: "There is a view that marriage and relationships are stressful, not least because of the demands of raising a family, and that those who are single enjoy a better life. But this research doesn't support that. "It's people who are in relationships and have got domestic responsibilities who are more likely to say that they feel happy." The report states that the priority for single people, both young and old, is having close friends. A good job and financial security come next in importance, with holidays, money to spend and a good social network also rated highly. Holidays, however, play a less important role in singles' lives than they do for couples, although those who have been married in the past are particularly keen on going abroad, which, Mintel suggests, is "because they are missing the family holidays that they had before they became single again". Young singles attend the cinema more than couples, but this reverses for those in their thirties and forties. This is because "cinema going becomes a family activity" for couples, whereas singles may struggle to find someone to go with. ************************ BACHELORS & DEPRESSION: http://www.rense.com/general8/sec.htm Bachelors 9 Times More Likely To Have Severe Depression 2--24-1 More than a few Americans have complained, at one time or another, that workplace stress was driving them crazy. However, when researchers from the Johns Hopkins University School of Public Health recently set out to investigate the effects of employment stress on mental health, they stumbled across a very different kind of threat to mental well-being, a threat linked to a single lifestyle often depicted as carefree and glamorous. In psychosocial data collected from 905 men and women employed full-time between 1993 and 1996, the Johns Hopkins team saw what they expected-a strong linkage between "high job strain" and depression. They also uncovered something they had not expected: namely, clear evidence that single living strongly predicts mental distress. Indeed, the authors of the new study found that among the employed men in their study, marital status was "the most important factor" for predicting all three forms of depression analyzed. The likelihood of a "major depressive episode" ran an astounding nine times higher (Odds Ratio of 8.98) among the unmarried men than among the married men in the study. Among women, "not being married also increased the odds ratio for the association with depression," although less dramatically than among men. Still, when looking at "dysphoria" (one of the forms of depression of interest to the researchers), the Johns Hopkins scholars discovered that among the women in the study "not being married had a higher odds ratio than high psychologic job strain" (3.11 vs. 2.88). For the whole study sample (men and women), "marital status and age had a stronger association with depressive syndrome than did high physical job strain." Obviously, merely improving the workplace environment will not eliminate psychological problems among men and women facing life at home without a spouse. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 16:59:35 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 16:59:35 -0500 Subject: Providers?/Marriage Ed around the planet/Kids of Divorce web site! Message-ID: subject: Providers?/Marriage Ed around the planet/Kids of Divorce web site! from: Smart Marriages I know it's not easy to confuse Scott Stanley, so I'd better share this response with the whole list. In a message dated 3/11/2001 12:25:50 PM Mountain Standard Time, cmfce at his.com writes: << "The premarital education must be provided by a licensed or ordained minister or the minister's designee," >> Diane, i'm a tad confused. this is terrific, but does it mean that a licensed mental health person can't do it (in accordance with the law)? only religious? i like this a lot, but was wondering if it really was exclusive the other way. Scott Stanley Sorry for this confusion! The various state's marriage education legislation bills all include licensed mental health professionals. Then the bills go on to list those who would also be included - in addition to - the mental health professionals. These include clergy or religious institution representatives (which would include lay educators and marriage mentors), family life educators, cooperative extension instructors, and/or other lay educators who have taken training and who register w/ the marriage licensing offices. All providers have to apply to be listed with the state as providers and include information about their qualifications and training. - diane **************** ARP'S ON FOCUS ON THE FAMILY: Diane, We just recorded an interview with Dr. James Dobson on The Second Half of Marriage that will air on their broadcast April 2nd and 3rd. We're getting ready to go to Ukraine (March 29-April 10th) to do some marriage training for the American General Baptist denomination. Guess this will be part of Dave & Claudia's most excellent adventure. Claudia Arp www.marriagealive.com Many of our Smart Marriages presenters are teaching marriage education around the globe. George Doub has upcoming Family Wellness trainings in Germany and Italy. For info contact him at familywell at aol.com or at www.familywellness.com Steven Stosny is currently teaching Compassion Workshops for anger and violence management in Singapore and Australia www.compassionpower.com *************** STEPFAMILY RESOURCES: Diane, Wade Horn's article about stepfamilies was very good. Please tell your readers that the Stepfamily Association of America can provide information, education, support and advocacy for stepfamilies and the professionals who serve them. Information is one phone call or web click away: (800) 735-0329 and Margorie Engle, President of SAA *************** LEGAL KIDS, CANADA: My name is Clayton Giles. I am fourteen years old. I started Legal Kids to give children of divorce, like myself, a place to interact. But Legal Kids has now become a voice for change. On January 1, 2001, I went on a hunger strike which lasted nineteen days. This caused a great deal of commotion, with kids and adults everywhere becoming involved . . . All I wanted was for my dad to have custody of me. I had run away to his home a year before, but my mother still had custody. Prior to that, I had not seen my dad for three years, because my right to access was taken away from me. But every time my dad and I went to court to get the custody changed, we were told to come back later. Finally, after ten months, I had had enough. I wrote a letter to the court. They ignored me. So I went on the hunger strike. There was a lot of media coverage of my strike which I did not anticipate. I picketed every day in front of the courthouse. I received emails and telephone calls from all over the world. Thousands of people logged onto my web site, signed my guest book, or sent me emails. On the 12th day, Social Services got involved and there was the possibility that they would take me away at any time and force feed me. Meanwhile I existed on water, grape juice, and Gatorade . . . In April I will start a journey. It will take me to Ottawa and on to Washington DC Along the way I will collect stories and signatures from kids and parents who support the right of children of divorce to have access to both parents, and for those same children to have a say in any proceedings that affect their access to either parent. Kids seldom have any control of their lives when their parents divorce. We become property to be awarded to the parent whom the court favors. The parents get the courts to favor them by spending large sums of money on lawyers and psychologists just at the time when this money is needed to support a family which now has two households and double the expenses. In the end, the money that our parents could have spent on our family goes elsewhere. My goal is to make everyone aware that kids are humans, not property, and that we deserve to be heard at the same time as our parents. This means that what is good for our parents is not automatically good for us. It means that we want a say in what happens to us when our family breaks up. Just because kids can't explain exactly why we want something, doesn't mean that we don't know what we want. We want to be happy. What makes us happy is maximum contact with both parents regardless of what those parents think about each other. Is that so complicated? http://legalkids.com/ ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Wed Mar 14 19:41:41 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 19:41:41 -0500 Subject: Violence/Indiana Covenant/Business for Sale/Nervous Breakdowns Message-ID: subject: Violence/Indiana Covenant/Business for Sale/Nervous Breakdowns 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Domestic Violence//Indiana Covenant//Continuum of Care//Divorce Ed Business for Sale//Divorce and Nervous Breakdowns//Kids & Tough Issues Campaign DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: I will be teaching a one month special topics course this summer on domestic violence. It will be primarily geared toward upper level undergraduate students. I have been going back and forth on whether to have a course pack and/or a text. I am writing to inquire about any recommended texts for the course. Ideally I would like to cover both prevention and intervention efforts around DV. Given the undergraduate population and the one month time frame (5 days/2 hrs a day) any thoughts/recommendations? Your help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance. Michael You might begin with the overview of U.S. domestic violence treatment programs done by Esquire a few months back. It looks at DV politics and programs available. Good for a course pack. You can find it at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/men.explode.stosny.html There is more available about the program found to be most effective at www.compassionpower.com Also, there is a two-day training at the 2001 Smart Marriages conference that certifies trainers to present the Compassion Power workshops and includes course materials. ******************* INDIANA WORKING ON COVENANT MARRIAGE LEGISLATION: Des Moines Register By Register Staff Report 03/14/2001 Committee OKs bill on covenant marriage A proposed covenant-marriage law, making divorce more difficult for couples who choose that option, cleared its first hurdle in the Legislature on Tuesday. The Senate State Government Committee voted 7-4 in favor of a bill giving couples the choice of designating their marriage a covenant marriage or following existing law. The bonds of the new type of marriage would be more difficult to break than the typical marriage commitment. Divorce would be allowed only after a two-year separation, or at any time if a spouse establishes that adultery, abuse, abandonment or imprisonment of a spouse has ruined a relationship. Other conditions of the optional contract include 12 hours of premarital education, as well as counseling for couples whose marriages are in trouble. Supporters say the covenant marriage would strengthen families and could make a dent in the high divorce rate. Critics say the state should not get more deeply involved in marriage. The bill goes to the full Senate for more debate. *************** PUTTING THE COURSES TO WORK: Diane... I want to update you on the exciting applications we're making of the courses we've brought home from the Smart Marriages conference. We are have 43 registered for our next PREP workshop here at FBC Jacksonville. Also, Family Wellness begins on Monday nights in April. We continue to do marriage and family education through Third Option (Wednesday nights) as well as a pre-marital education course every Sunday morning for our engaged couples. We had 44 in the class last week. Prepare is a part of this process for marriage. The ideas shared about the effects of cohabitation also came in very useful yesterday as we had a couple who lives together wanting us to do their marriage. Our church took a stand on the sanctity of marriage and we worked out an arrangement for the couple to change some things in order to get the marriage started off the right way. We are working hard to undo the 70% divorce rate here in Jacksonville. See you in Orlando. Rick Marks, Ph.D. Note: Rick Marks is teaching a workshop at the Orlando conference on how to weave a continuum of care for congregations based on the courses taught at Smart Marriages. See session #713. ******************* DIVORCE EDUCATION PROGRAM FOR SALE: Diane, Do you know someone who may be interested in purchasing The Center for Divorce Education? My co-Director, Dr. Jack Arbuthnot, and I are retiring and want to do other things. This business is very successful, and sells divorce education videos and booklets to courts and social service agencies providing mandatory divorce education. These materials are considered among the best if not the best in the field. I'd love to see a buyer who wants to help children of divorce make better adjustments, and see parents cooperate more, as well as wanting to be well paid for their efforts. We have listed this on two websites that sell businesses: http://businessesforsale.com/em/bd.asp?b=101878 and http://www.BizBuySell.com Interested parties can contact Jack (arbuthno at ohio@edu) or me for more detailed information (gordon at ohio.edu). Thanks, Don Gordon This is one of the top programs for divorce education - got the highest rating in the overview. This is the program that's on CD Rom and which has presented at all the Smart Marriages conferences. Has great research and is rated best at preventing readjudication of custody, support etc issues. And guess it must make money.....he's sure retiring young! Also, the field of mandatory divorce education is growing. It's now in half the jurisdictions in the country and is moving round the world.- diane ****************** REALTIONSHIP PROBLEMS AND NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS: Americans on Edge, Study Finds Health24News Alina Mesenbourg WASHINGTON, D.C.--More Americans are nearing the edge of a nervous breakdown, according to a new study. The study, by Indiana University researchers, found that the percentage of Americans who said they'd been close to a breakdown rose from 19 percent in 1957 to 26 percent in 1996. According to the study, which surveyed 1,444 Americans, the causes of near-nervous breakdowns among Americans have also changed in the last three decades years. The study reported that the majority of participants in the 1957 survey said health problems led them to feel close to a breakdown. In 1996, the most frequently cited causes were relationship problems, including divorce, separation and marital strains. ******************** TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT TOUGH ISSUES: Another reason to have parents around! Kids Ready to Talk About Today's Tough Issues Before Their Parents Are: Sex, AIDS, Violence, Drugs, and Alcohol New National Survey Finds That Kids In Families Who Talk Openly About Sex and Relationships Are More Likely to Say They Would Turn to Their Parent First if Faced with A Crisis FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE MARCH 1, 1999 Contacts: Tina Hoff or Ashley Koff, Kaiser Family Foundation, (650) 854-9400 Verna? Graham or Stella Richardson, Children Now, (510) 763-2444 The "big talk" is bigger than ever with kids wanting to know much more from their parents than just the "birds-and-the-bees." A new survey of parents and kids ages 10-15 conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now, as part of a national initiative called Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, finds that many families are still waiting too long and not talking enough when it comes to what their kids say they need to know. What may surprise many parents is that the issues they are not talking about-as well as even some they feel they have already talked about-are what their kids want to know more about. High on a list of topics 10-12 year olds say they personally want more information about are: How to protect against HIV/AIDS (50% of kids want more information); What to do if someone brings a gun to school (50% of kids want more information); How to handle pressure to have sex (44% of kids want more information); How to know when you are ready to have sex (43% of kids want more information); and How alcohol and drugs might affect decisions to have sex (43% of kids want more information). "The Big Talk(s)" About Today's Tough Issues When parents sit down today with their children to have the "big talk" the subject matter usually covers topics their own parents never imagined. (And, for that matter, it shouldn't just be a single conversation, say experts). At least three out of four parents of 10-12 year olds say they have talked with their pre-teen about drugs or alcohol (90%); violence (85%); drinking and driving (82%); AIDS (78%); and how girls get pregnant (73%). But, many parents of 10-12 year olds are steering clear of some of the more difficult conversations about sex, including: How to handle peer pressure to have sex (46% of parents have not discussed); How to know when you are ready to have sex (50% of parents have not discussed); How alcohol and drugs might affect decisions to have sex (46% of parents have not discussed); and How to prevent pregnancy and STDs (62% of parents have not discussed). "The 'big talk' isn't what it used to be. It now needs to be 'supersized,'" said Matt James, Senior Vice President, Kaiser Family Foundation. "When parents today talk with their kids about tough issues that means covering the basics, plus a whole lot more." Experts say that kids benefit when their parents talk early and often with them about "tough issues." For the 57% of parents of 10-15 year olds who have talked openly with their children about sex, including relationships and becoming sexually active, there is some encouraging news. The survey found their kids were more likely than those whose parents had not talked with them to report going first to a parent ... If they were dealing with pressure to have sex (72% of 10-15 year olds who talked with their parents vs. 57% who did not); If they were thinking about having sex (67% of 10-15 year olds who talked with their parents vs. 51% who did not); and If they were worried about being or having gotten someone pregnant (66% of 13-15 year olds who talked with their parents vs. 49% who did not). The Competition According to the survey, pre-teens name their mothers as one of their top sources when it comes to sex, AIDS, violence, drugs and alcohol. But, even among 10-12 year olds, television/movies are already tied with moms and schools/teachers as a place where kids say they get "a lot" of their information (all named by 38%). Fathers come in a close second (34%). When kids enter the teen years, the competition heats up with friends (64%) and television/movies (61%) becoming much more dominant influences in their lives. Schools and teachers rank third (44%) and mothers are fifth (38%), just below the Internet (39%). "Parents have a powerful window of opportunity if they talk with their children early and often," said Lois Salisbury, President, Children Now. "The Talking With Kids About Tough Issues campaign encourages parents to use everyday activities, including TV programs, events at school and issues with friends, as talk opportunities." The Talking With Kids About Tough Issues Campaign This survey was conducted as part of Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, a national campaign to support parents by the Kaiser Family Foundation, a national independent health care philanthropy (not associated with Kaiser Permanente), and Children Now, a non-partisan voice for America's children. A special report on the survey results appears in the April 1st issue of Family Circle, which contributed to the development of the survey. Talking With Kids About Tough Issues encourages and helps parents talk with their kids earlier and more often about topics such as sex, AIDS, violence, alcohol and drugs. The campaign provides direct assistance to parents with free booklets and other resources that are available by calling 1-800-CHILD 44, or online at http://www.talkingwithkids.org . A new series of public service messages encouraging family talks, produced by J. Walter Thompson New York under an Ad Council initiative, will begin airing around the country in March. Additionally, the April 1st issue of Family Circle includes an 8-page Talking With Kids booklet as a pull-out for its readers. For more information call: Andrea Miller or Susan Lamontagne at Media Strategies, Inc. (212) 260-1520. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 15 22:52:13 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 22:52:13 -0500 Subject: IOWA - not Indiana/Monitoring Covenants/Nebraska Marriage Movement/schools/ Message-ID: subject: IOWA - not Indiana/Monitoring Covenants/Nebraska/schools/ from: Smart Marriages IOWA - not Indiana//Monitoring Covenants//Nebraska Marriage Movement//school curricula/ ********** IOWA, Not INDIANA! Diane, Is this a typo? Why would the Des Moines (IOWA) newspaper be reporting about the Indiana State Senate committee actions? Confused in Ohio Dick Cronk At 07:41 PM 3/14/2001 -0500, you wrote: >******************* >INDIANA WORKING ON COVENANT MARRIAGE LEGISLATION: - wrong!! > Let's just say I knew it started with an "I" - I apologize to everyone in Iowa and in Indiana and on the list. And, thanks, to all of you who caught this. At least I know you're reading - and thinking! I grew up in Minnesota so I do know better, just a flawed filing cabinet in my head. - diane ****************** ARKANSAS COVENANT PROCESS: I just heard from Chris Pyle in Arkansas that covenant marriage legislation passed the House of Representatives on Monday evening and got a favorable Senate committee referral this week (to Senate Local and Municipal Affairs rather than Judiciary). I would suspect that Judiciary consists of many lawyers, some of whom practice family law. Apparently, Iowa just passed the first hurdle--out of committee. But let's pay attention this time to see who and what stops the bills. I think we might discover a pattern that needs exposure. Katherine Spaht ******************** SCHOOL/YOUTH CURRICULA: Good afternoon! Can you please tell me where I can find out what textbooks are being used in the Florida schools for their required high school course in relationships and marriage? Also, do you know where I can find similar textbook information for other schools across the country? Thank you very much for your help! Jerry Go to the web site (www.smartmarriages.com) and click on School/Youth programs. All the curricula & workbooks are available there. These are used across the country. You'll also find articles and info there. Also, an overview of all the programs will be presented at the Smart Marriages conference - all day Monday June 25th - and it's FREE. - diane ******************** NEBRASKA - MOVING BEYOND INITIATIVE 416 Published Monday March 5, 2001 in the Omaha World-Herald Another Point of View: Of Threats to Marriage, Divorce Is the Worst BY DAN PARSONS This column is in response to a Feb. 23 editorial, 'The Marriage Amendment Unmasked'. The writer is executive director of the Lincoln-based organization Family First. Marriage continues to generate heated debate here in Nebraska. Much like last fall's seemingly endless presidential election, some seem to want to relive the debate over Initiative 416. Everyone remembers 416, last November's ballot question: Should Nebraska's Constitution define marriage as between one man and one woman? With more than 70 percent of voters voting for Initiative 416, it was the biggest public-policy mandate from Nebraskans for the entire election cycle. Nebraskans agree that traditional marriage is worth protecting. Well, Family First is now moving forward with a much broader discussion of how to renew a culture of marriage in our state. We understand that defending marriage is more than rejecting civil unions and counterfeit marriages; it's about curbing divorce and strengthening the foundation of our society. Following the petition effort by another pro-family organization to place Initiative 416 on the November ballot, I became chairman of the Nebraska Coalition for the Protection of Marriage, which worked for the passage of Initiative 416 via a professional media, direct-mail and grass-roots campaign. This coalition was broad-based and included people with a variety of religious, political and cultural points of view. Since the overwhelming success of Initiative 416, I have turned my attention to the topic of marriage, with the Marriage Matters in Nebraska Project. The basic mission of this project is to preserve marriage and discourage divorce in Nebraska. Scientific evidence shows that married couples are healthier, happier and more prosperous. Divorce still devastates about one-half of all American homes. In the last decade, more than 64.000 Nebraska children have been affected by divorce, a number far greater than the third-largest city in Nebraska. Since the onset of no-fault divorce in the 1970s, divorce has remained the single most threatening factor to the family. Following Initiative 416 and leading into the Marriage Matters in Nebraska Project, I've often commented that, compared to divorce, the threat of homosexual marriage is "minuscule." I characterize such cultural threats to marriage in terms of their current prevalence, not their innate power to destroy. And I stand behind my characterization. And judging from the results of our online poll, many people agree with us. This unscientific poll showed that 65 percent of participants believed that divorce was more destructive to marriage in the last 30 years than cohabitation and the homosexual agenda. Twenty-five percent cited cohabitation, and only 8 percent found the homosexual agenda to be the most destructive. The epidemic of divorce is in full bloom and tears at the very fabric from which our society is woven. The threat of gay marriage to this fabric is perhaps equally great but as of yet is relatively undeveloped. Nebraskans were wise enough to curb this threat before the effects were far-reaching. The idea that homosexuality currently does not pose as great a threat to family values as does divorce is not novel; it's simply fact. William Bennett, editor of "The Book of Virtues," noted in a 1994 speech that "if you look in terms of damage done to the children of America, you cannot compare what the homosexual movement has done to what divorce has done to this society." Glenn Stanton, former policy advisor for Dr. James Dobson at Focus on the Family and author of "Why Marriage Matters: Reasons to Believe in Marriage in Postmodern Society," agrees with Bennett's claim that nothing else devastates children like divorce. In the June 2000 edition of Citizen magazine, Stanton wrote that "the acceptance of divorce by our culture and the church has done damage at a far deeper level. Divorce redefines marriage!" It's easy to point to future threats to the family, and it's easy to bellyache about the decline of family values. But without some type of forward-looking plan of action, it's just an exercise in expelling hot air. Like our parent organization, Focus on the Family, Family First's focus is the family. At the core of the family is marriage. As such, our staff and supporters will continue to look forward and use our time and resources to encourage family and marriage. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 15 22:52:50 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 22:52:50 -0500 Subject: Marrying Well - 3/7/01 - great review of The Case for Marriage Message-ID: subject: Marrying Well - 3/7/01 - great review of The Case for Marriage from: Smart Marriages Note: Linda Waite will present a keynote at the Smart Marriages Orlando conference. BOOK REVIEW FROM CHRISTIANITY TODAY: Marrying well The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially By Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher. Doubleday, 256 pp., $24.95 Recently Time magazine published a cover article titled "Who Needs a Husband?" It chronicled, if not celebrated, the trend of women "flying solo"--never getting married, and even learning to like their single state. The article reported that currently 40 percent of all adult females are single, up from 30 percent in 1960. In 1960, 83 percent of all women between 25 and 55 were married; today, that figure has dropped to 65 percent. Are women panicked by such statistics? Apparently not the women interviewed by Time. These women say that they are enjoying their space, their freedom, their ability "to be themselves," their money, their travels, their friends and, indeed, sex with some of those friends. Many still want to marry, but only if the right man comes along. The Time article makes it seem that the majority of single women are living the life depicted in Sex and the City, HBO's hit series about single women in the fast lane. The article's portrait of single life is consistent with the recent report on singles from the Rutgers University National Marriage Project called "Sex without Strings, Relationships without Rings." The Time essay quotes Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, one of the report's authors: "The reality is that marriage is now the interlude and singlehood the state of affairs." Of all the reasons it gives for why women are marrying less, Time does not include one of the most common--the belief, popularized 30 years ago by sociologist Jessie Bernard, that marriage is a bad deal for women. And it turns out this is one of those social science factoids that is being contradicted by new research, including that presented by sociologist Linda Waite and journalist Maggie Gallagher. Waite broke ground on this subject in her 1995 presidential address before the Population Association of America, when she argued that marriage pays off in big ways. Married people live longer, are healthier, have fewer heart attacks and other diseases, have fewer problems with alcohol, behave in less risky ways, have more sex--and more satisfying sex--and become much more wealthy than single people. There was one exception to this rosy picture: cohabiting couples do have more frequent sex. But they enjoy it less. And single women--how do they fare? Not as well as Time implies. When one examines the big picture and the large data sets that sociologists love to analyze, married women come out far ahead of women who have never married or who are divorced. True, marriage is still slightly better for men than for women, but it is a much better deal for women than Jessie Bernard led people to believe. Waite and Gallagher's book is neither theological nor philosophical. It never defines marriage or traces its origins and development in Western society and thought. This is a book about data--lots of it--on the consequences of marriage. Take health: mortality rates are 50 percent higher for unmarried women and 250 percent higher for unmarried men than they are for married women and men. Married surgical patients are less likely to die than the unmarried. Of men matched in every respect except marital status, nine out of ten married men who were alive at age 48 made it to 65; only six out of ten bachelors lived to the usual retirement age. Nine out of ten married women alive at age 45 made it to 65, while only eight of ten unmarried women did. The selection effect--that is, the likelihood that healthier people get married and less healthy people don't--explains some of the difference, but not all. According to Waite and Gallagher, the evidence shows that married people start practicing healthier lifestyles after they marry. "Researchers find that the married have lower death rates, even after taking initial health status into account. Even sick people who marry live longer than their counterparts who don't." Marriage is also better for your health because married people take more responsibility for one another even than those who cohabit. They nag each other more, remind their partners of appointments and take care of each other when sick. Marriage also generally reduces stress and boosts the immune system. What about sex? Many people believe that marriage dampens the sex life, and for some it doubtless does. But most married couples have much better sex and more of it than singles. According to a University of Chicago National Sex Survey, 43 percent of married men reported having sex at least twice a week, while only 1.26 percent of single men not cohabiting had sex that often. Single men were 20 times more likely to be celibate than married men. Familiarity does not dampen sexual ardor; indeed, Waite and Gallagher argue that marriage facilitates sexual activity. Sex is easier for married couples. Any single "act of sex costs them less in time, money and psychic energy. For the married, sex is more likely to happen because it is so easy to arrange and so compatible with the rest of their day to day life." According to the survey, cohabiting men and women made love, on average, one more time per month than married couples. But cohabiting couples are less satisfied with their sex lives: 50 percent of married men and 42 percent of married women find sex physically and emotionally satisfying, while only 39 percent of cohabiting men and 39 percent of cohabiting women do. The greater wealth of married people may be the most interesting set of statistics. After all, isn't marriage expensive? Isn't it true that many couples say they "can't afford" to get married? And aren't children expensive, robbing couples of the discretionary income that might be spent on fancy vacations or high-yield mutual funds? Some singles may do better financially, but on the whole married couples accumulate more wealth. They invest in real estate more readily, they save for the future and of course they enjoy economies of scale. "On the day they married, " write Waite and Gallagher, "Cathy made about $25,000 a year and Doug, $34,000. Marriage made them both instantly better off financially. Together they made almost double what each enjoyed previously, but now they only had to pay for one apartment, one utility bill, and they could split the labor needed to care for house and home." It takes only 1.5 times as much money to support two people living together as it would if they lived apart. Knowing this provides an additional temptation to cohabit. But cohabiting couples seldom accumulate wealth in the same way that married couples do. They are far more tentative about their relationship; less inclined to invest together in homes, stocks and furniture; and more likely to do such things as keep separate bank accounts and take separate vacations. On the verge of retirement, the typical married couple has accumulated a total of about $410,000--or $205,000 for each person--as compared to $167,000 for the never married, $154,000 for the divorced, $151,000 for the widowed and just under $96,000 for the separated. Since married households accumulate far more than twice the amount of any other households, something more is happening here than the simple aggregation of individual earnings. All this may be true, but isn't marriage really a "hitting license," an institution that sanctions violence by husbands against wives and children? Waite and Gallagher's discussion of the facts and politics of research on domestic violence is one of the most valuable contributions of this important book. It offers crucial insights on this issue that churches desperately need to hear and understand. The impression that the institution of marriage is a hotbed of violence is due to a simple yet profound confusion that runs through the social-science literature and most journalistic reports--the tendency to blur the distinction between marriage and other kinds of living arrangements such as cohabitation, dating and various informal sexual relationships. "Domestic violence is perhaps the only area in which social scientists casually use the term "husband" to mean any or all of the following: the man one is married to, the man one used to be married to, the man one lives with, the man one is merely having sex with, and/or the man one used to have sex with." When these distinctions are made, presently married men are proportionately far less violent than men in other relationships. As Waite and Gallagher pithily put it, "The research clearly shows that, outside of hying thee to a nunnery, the safest place for a woman to be is inside marriage." Here are some facts to consider: Wives are far less likely to be crime victims than single women. When all crimes are considered, single and divorced women are four to five times more likely to be victims. They are ten times more likely than wives to be victims of rape and three times more likely to be victims of aggravated assault. The national Crime Victimization Survey conducted by the U.S. Department of Justice reports that of all violent crimes against partners that occurred between 1979 and 1987, 65 percent were committed by boyfriends or ex-husbands. Husbands presently living with their wives committed 9 percent of these crimes. A redesigned study changed the statistics somewhat; 55 percent were committed by boyfriends, 31 percent by husbands and 14 percent by ex-husbands. Waite and Gallagher speculate that boyfriends and cohabiting men are more prone to violence because the two in such couples are less committed to each other and more isolated from wider social networks and controls. The data show that good marriages also reduce violence between parents and children. The physical and sexual abuse of children is much higher in cohabiting families and stepfamilies. Boyfriends and stepfathers are far more likely to abuse the children of their girlfriends or wives than married husbands and biologically related fathers are likely to abuse their own children. What does the church do with this kind of information? How does it respond to the language of health and wealth when applied to marriage? Where is the language of commitment, of covenant and of sacrament? Will the health sciences take over the meaning of marriage or will religious and theological traditions continue to give significance to marriage? Should churches and the wider society "market" marriage, like health gurus selling the benefits of drinking a daily glass of orange juice, jogging before work, breathing clean air and putting fluoride in the water? And how does the church handle the question of singleness? Should everyone get married, or can singleness have a dignity and purpose of its own? Can singleness be a calling, a vocation? If so, how will the lives of those who see it as a vocation compare to the lives portrayed in the Time article on women choosing to "fly solo"? Waite and Gallagher's book corrects many popular misunderstandings about the institution of marriage. On this score alone, we strongly recommend it. However, the book's overall thesis is a bit unclear. It could be read to say this: if you want to be healthy, wealthy, safe and sexually satisfied, then it is prudent to marry. Philosophers will recognize this argument as a form of the "hypothetical imperative"--an approach to ethics generally considered a weak reed for supporting commitments and obligations of any kind, let alone those connected with marriage. It might lead one to think something like this about marriage: "This relationship is supposed to yield big dividends, therefore I will try it. But if it doesn't pay off as advertised, I will get out quickly." Or the book's message could be this: marriage as an institution entails public commitments not only between the husband and wife but also between them and their friends, extended families, the state and the church. Make this public commitment as a promise--possibly even as a covenant or sacrament--and these benefits are likely to follow from it. This may be true even if the benefits themselves were not what motivated these public promises and commitments in the first place. Is the second message really what the authors have in mind? One clue may be found in some of the book's chapter headings, which repeat the marriage vows from the Book of Common Prayer. Citing this language is a way for Waite and Gallagher to suggest the meaning that they believe many people have in mind when they get married. Marriage scholar Kenneth Stevenson calls the Book of Common Prayer's ceremony the "Cadillac" of Western marriage rituals. It combines elements from ancient Judaism with a host of other ceremonies, both Roman Catholic and Protestant, that were developed over the centuries. There is little doubt that phrases such as "for richer for poorer," "in sickness and in health" and "with my body I thee worship" linger in people's consciousness and help define marriage as an institution even for those who do not repeat these actual words when they tie the knot. These vows have become part of the "cultural capital" representing the hopes and aspirations of people of all beliefs. Waite and Gallagher appear therefore to be working with some assumptions about the institution of marriage. But this institution did not just materialize out of thin air. It is a massive theological and historical accomplishment. Our marriage rituals took centuries to develop. When couples make a public commitment--using these or similar vows--it tends to transform their lives. They place themselves within the power and meaning of these affirmations about the institution of marriage. Yes, many material and measurable good things also often flow from this commitment. Waite and Gallagher show that, for the most part, when we say "for richer or poorer" it is likely to be for richer. When we say "in sickness and in health," it is likely to be more in health than sickness, at least when compared to the situation of the nonmarried, divorced and cohabiting. But the point of these vows is this: even if poor health and economic hardship come, the commitment should be sustained nonetheless. Waite and Gallagher demonstrate that commitment to marriage as a public social institution provides couples support from a variety of social networks. However, by focusing primarily on empirically measurable goods, they come dangerously close to capitulating to a secular view of religious institutions. It almost seems as if synagogues and churches are alternative social-welfare institutions. This implied view obscures the formative role that these institutions have played and continue to play in crafting our understanding of marriage as a delicate mix of public and private, religious and secular obligations and benefits. From marriage as a covenant between two families in ancient Judaism, to the free consent of parties upheld in medieval Catholic canon law, to the Reformation's emphasis on marriage as a public institution given by God for the mutual support of couples and their children, the historical understanding of marriage exhibits a range of both goods and obligations, social as well as personal, that cannot be reduced to measurable prudential advantages for individuals. The languages of health and wealth certainly should not be excluded from churches' reflections on marriage. The facts Waite and Gallagher record may seem prosaic and mundane when compared to the lofty ideals of self-sacrificial love, mutuality and spiritual union typically heralded by religious traditions, but they highlight an important dimension of "natural" human behavior, and they point out the goods that we properly seek to realize through such behavior. However, when churches and synagogues incorporate these social scientific viewpoints into their rhetoric about marriage, they must enrich and transform them by rooting them in deeper theological and philosophical ideas about the permanence of the marital bond, its significance as a spiritually and morally edifying force, and the religious meanings of love, fidelity, forgiveness and commitment. Marriage is simultaneously a public institution that serves individual and social welfare and an avenue through which human beings can live out their faithfulness to one another and to God. So how can faith traditions approach and incorporate social-scientific information like that found in this book? First, they should guard against reducing the institution of marriage to its measurable material benefits. One must not confuse the consequences of marriage with the motivations for marrying. Studies like Waite and Gallagher's aim to answer the question "What does marriage usually bring about?" --not "Why marry?" In fact, using narrow means-ends logic as a motive for marriage is probably the quickest road to divorce. Second, churches and faith traditions must resist the latent consumer model of marital love that lurks beneath the rational-choice language of contemporary social science. In cases where marriage doesn't make us richer or happier, do we simply exchange it like a faulty product or, worse, seek other avenues to satisfy our preferences? Certainly not. Social science alone will never give us the language or the tools to discover the durable and meaningful core of marital commitment. Theological and philosophical languages must step in, providing the moral and religious foundations for discussion of marriage. Finally, a robust discourse on marriage within faith communities can never eclipse a concern for single, divorced, separated and widowed people and for stepfamilies. Indeed, it is in part by listening and ministering to the unmarried, the formerly married, the unhappily married and the remarried that we can formulate an adequate response to urgent questions about the meaning of marriage. Why, for instance, do Time's interviewees treasure the "space" they have discovered in single life? Might this tell us something about a lingering patriarchy in our current marriage culture and the comparative lack of consideration given to women's full professional, educational, emotional and spiritual flourishing? How can churches constructively address these issues and articulate a truly egalitarian marriage ethic? Why, to take another case, do hardworking and devoted people exit marriages that have become crippling? Do people's reasons for divorce and singleness tell us something important about marriage today? Even more pressing, do they tell us something theologically about our need for grace, about the dynamics of suffering and healing and about the drama of divine faithfulness? Churches must not only take these questions seriously; they must integrate them into their pastoral and theological vision. Listening to the variety of voices about marriage will help churches speak to all persons about its real meaning and articulate a compelling and inclusive ethic of marriage. _____ Reviewed by Don Browning, director of the Religion, Culture and Family Project at the University of Chicago, and Kelly Brotzman and David Clairmont, members of the project staff. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Fri Mar 16 13:17:24 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2001 13:17:24 -0500 Subject: Immigrants rush to beat marriage deadline/Divorce Buster/Conference Updates Message-ID: subject: Immigrants marriage deadline/Divorce Buster/Conference Updates from: Smart Marriages Immigrants marriage deadline//Divorce Buster//Conference Updates HOTEL/AIR: Heads up!! re the Orlando Smart Marriages conference: I replied to a question about whether or not there was still room in a particular conference training institute by saying that if you get your registration in by mid April you'll be fine. This was the reply: Diane, The urgency we are feeling comes from how quickly flights to Orlando are filling up. (Disneyworld apparently is popular year round, and June starts the vacation season for most families.) John And it's not just flights - it's the hotel you need to worry about! The hotel is now 3/4s full. Call today -800-204-7234 - Smart Marriages rate is $105 single/double. For discounted flights and for hotel reservations go to http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html PLEASE make your hotel reservations today! BROCHURES: Also, if you don't have the conference brochure by now, let me know. It's bright pink with flamingos on the cover. Send me your mailing address and let me know how many you can use. If you requested bulk copies to distribute to colleagues, you should have those by now. Let me know if you didn't receive them OR if you could use more. Let me know how many. LOCAL ORLANDO MEETING: I'll be in Orlando April 3 to meet with anyone who is interested in Smart Marriages. 7pm at the Rosen Center Hotel. Ya'll come! - diane ******************* THE LATEST FROM MICHELE "DIVORCE BUSTER" WIENER-DAVIS: Diane, I'm excited! Turns out I WILL have my marriage education curriculum ready in time for the conference. It is core curriculum - is all marriage educators need to conduct their own classes - includes a detailed Leader's Guide and everything they'll need to conduct and market a one-day, two-day or four session class. I'll introduce it as part of my institute. My new book, though won't be out until September. Michele Note: Michele's institute is on Thursday, June 21. She'll also do a keynote on Saturday - "do you wanna make up? " ************************** IMMIGRANTS RUSH TO BEAT THE MARRIAGE DEADLINE: This is really going to throw off the marriage/divorce data! - diane Thursday, March 15, 2001 LA Times Thousands of Immigrants Race to Say 'I Do' So They Can Say 'We Stay' Marriage: Illegal residents can apply for residency by April 30 if wedded to legal ones. By ROBERT J. LOPEZ PATRICK J. MCDONNELL, DANIEL YI, Times Staff Writers Tens of thousands of couples across the country are racing to get hitched before April 30, motivated by an obscure provision of federal law that gives illegal immigrants an easier path to lawful status if they marry by then. The law inadvertently sent marriage rates soaring, with increases of 50% to 300% reported this year in such immigrant-rich cities as Los Angeles, Houston and New York. "It's not love anymore. It's getting right with God and the law," said Hugo Martinez, 31, as he stood in line Wednesday at the Los Angeles County registrar-recorder's office with his bride-to-be, Maria Flores, 32. The two have five daughters. The new law, passed in the waning days of the Clinton administration, created a host of measures to help immigrants and their loved ones obtain legal status. Critics say it also created an incentive for marriage fraud. A key aspect allows an immigrant to seek residency while remaining in the United States--but only if married to a citizen or a legal resident (or closely related to one) and only if an application is submitted by April 30. After that date, applicants will have to return to their native countries to process their paperwork--a requirement that could keep them separated from loved ones as long as 10 years. New York Deputy City Clerk Raymond Teatum said the city has deployed extra security to handle the long lines. Demand for marriage licenses in Manhattan this year, he said, has jumped from 100 a day to more than 300. "It's amazing how love comes in," he joked. "It's definitely the immigration [law]." In Houston, the 2,811 marriage licenses filed in Harris County in January marked a 58% increase over the same month last year. Officials attribute the gain to the immigration law. "We've been swamped," spokeswoman Kathryn J. Kay said from the clerk's office in Houston. Cook County, Ill., officials credit the new law with triggering a 20% increase in marriage licenses for the Chicago area. In Los Angeles County, the registrar-recorder's office has issued 12,997 marriage licenses during January and February, a 59% increase over the same period last year. "It's been crazy. They are running in," said Arnoldo Dheming, the minister at Elvira's Wedding Chapel on Broadway, the street in downtown Los Angeles where 9% of all nuptials in the county take place. In Orange and Ventura counties, officials report hikes this year of more than 40%. "It isn't just an outbreak of romance," said Robert Foss, legal director at the Central American Resource Center in Los Angeles. Getting married now, he said, "prevents a loved one from having to leave the country." Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. For the rest of the article go to: http://www.latimes.com/print/20010315/t000022663.html ****************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 17 20:45:34 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2001 20:45:34 -0500 Subject: Free Nashville Marriage Education Conference - update and article Message-ID: subject: Free Nashville Marriage Education Conference - update and article from: Smart Marriages This FREE Marriage Education Conference in Nashville Tennessee features Wallerstein, Gallagher and McManus. The Monday morning breakfast featuring Mike & Harriet McManus is also free but you must RSVP. Clergy and interested laity/mentors are strongly encouraged to attend. Call: 1-800-333-4358, ext. 6108 or 615-279-6108 to RSVP. See speaking schedule at the end of this article. The Tennessean Saturday, 03/17/01 Can broken families ever get well? Lipscomb conference to address aftermath and prevention of divorce By RAY WADDLE Religion Editor Marriages in Tennessee need emergency care, and Lipscomb University is assembling a roster of speakers March 25-27 to bring straight talk and solutions to the illness of family breakup. One speaker will talk about the lasting wounds of divorce on children well into adulthood. Another will argue that people stay healthier and wealthier when they stay married. Another will offer a formula for stronger marriages, urging local ministers to stop doing ''quickie weddings'' and insist on at least four months of premarital counseling. ''Cohabitation is on the rise, but you can't 'try out' commitment ? either you're committed or you're not,'' said columnist Mike McManus, founder of Marriage Savers, a ministry that equips communities to prepare couples for lifelong marriage and restores troubled marriages. ''The culture doesn't know that, and the church doesn't stand up to it.'' McManus, his wife, Harriet, and other nationally known advocates will speak during a Lipscomb Conference on Family Wellness at the Willard Collins Alumni Auditorium on campus. The speaker sessions, each night at 7:30 March 25-27, are free to the public. ''The Center for Divorce Reform lists Tennessee as having the fourth-highest divorce rate in the country,'' said John Conger, chairman of Lipscomb's department of family and consumer sciences. ''Across the nation, statistics show that at least 50% of all new marriages are ending in divorce. If 50% of another social institution failed, people would demand a solution.'' In various ways, the speakers will address an emerging Marriage Movement, the effort to change the ''divorce culture'' of America into a society that values lasting marriages and urges spouses to understand the full consequences of marital breakup for children. One speaker, Judith Wallerstein, is co-author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. She studied 93 children of divorce over the course of about 25 years, and concluded that the greatest impact of divorce doesn't happen until their 20s and 30s. ''The delayed impact of divorce in adulthood is a revolutionary finding and a stunning surprise,'' Wallerstein said. ''We thought that children would be able to work through issues related to divorce by the time they reached adolescence or left home.'' Contrary to the media clich?, though, such children are not a cynical generation, Wallerstein said, and they do value love, marriage and parenthood. But they are also highly wary of commitment and fearful of betrayal. Her findings include: ? Adolescence lasts longer for children of divorce, because breaking free of their parents is more complicated than for their peers raised in intact families. ? Divorce is often a stumbling block to higher education. Among children of intact families, 90% had fathers who contributed to their college educations, compared with less than 30% of children of divorce. ? In her study, divorced fathers were more likely to visit children when things were going well financially and personally, but the main concern of many remarried fathers was to please the new wife. Stepmothers were extremely influential in shaping a father's relationship with children of previous marriages. Mike McManus' work focuses on shoring up marriages and cutting the divorce rate with the help of local congregational life. Since the 1980s, he and Harriet, married 35 years now, have promoted a ''Community Marriage Policy'' for local communities ? 133 towns in 37 states so far ? where groups of clergy join together to insist on serious premarital counseling and other initiatives. McManus advocates that congregations train married couples to be mentors to help other couples prepare for a lifelong marriage, strengthen existing ones and restore troubled ones. See www.marriagesavers.org for more information. On Monday, March 26, McManus will speak to a local gathering of ministers who want to initiate a Community Marriage Policy in Nashville. It's a breakfast meeting at 7:30 a.m. at Lipscomb, open to religious leaders. Call 279-6108 for reservations by this Monday. McManus, a Presbyterian, said sexual permissiveness and cohabitation have eroded the sanctity of the marriage bond, and clergy have done little to challenge it. ''As the saying goes, the culture now is 'sex without strings, relationships without rings,' '' he said. ''But when I talk to clergy and ask them if they ever preach against cohabitation, no one raises a hand.'' The speaker schedule at Lipscomb is: ? Mike and Harriet McManus, 7:30 p.m. March 25. ? Maggie Gallagher, 7:30 p.m. March 26. Gallagher is a syndicated columnist and co-author of The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially. She is an affiliate at the Institute for American Values in New York. ? Judith Wallerstein, 7:30 p.m. March 27. She is founder of the California-based Judith Wallerstein Center for the Family in Transition. ************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sun Mar 18 12:01:02 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sun, 18 Mar 2001 12:01:02 -0500 Subject: Healing from Infidelity - Michele Weiner-Davis, 3/18/01 Message-ID: subject: Healing from Infidelity - Michele Weiner-Davis, 3/18/01 from: Smart Marriages Hi - Most of the country gets Parade Magazine as part of their Sunday paper. For those of you who don't here is a copy of the Michele Weiner-Davis article on infidelity that appears today, March 18, 2001. Michele will present a full-day training workshop and a keynote at the Orlando Smart Marriages conference. Healing from Infidelity Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the monumental task of healing from infidelity. As a marriage therapist for two decades, I've heard countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter trust, many seriously contemplate ending their marriages. However, it's important to know that, no matter bleak things might seem, it's possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It's not easy- there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but years of experience has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster. Let the healing begin Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people, marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it's helpful to know that healing typically happens in stages. If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will undoubtedly feel a whole range of emotions- shock, rage, hurt, devastation, disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at your worst when you are. While unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly normal. Although you might be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve, it will, but not immediately. Healing from infidelity takes a long time. Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the affair and you go downhill rapidly. It's easy to feel discouraged unless you both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Eventually, the setbacks will be fewer and far between. Although some people are more curious than others, it's very common to have lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened, ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your spouse is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster. Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes genuine healing unlikely. Once there is closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to the bottom of things, it could happen again. Unfortunately, since the reasons people stray can be quite complex, the why's aren't always crystal clear. No one forces anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if doesn't feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it's important to examine why you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis? Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a sexual addiction? It's equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy, they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored. Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage. If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem, consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a communication skill-building class. There are many available through religious organizations, community colleges and mental health settings. Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse. You can't apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous are obvious, they aren't. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant. Conversely, talking about the affair can't be the only thing you do. Couples who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both talking about their difficulties and spending time together without discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to reconnect and their nurture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock of the affair has dissipated. Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do everything right- be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act trustworthy, and still, the marriage won't mend unless the betrayed person forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself. Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection. But forgiveness doesn't just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in your life? Decide to forgive today. 2001 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved. www.divorcebusting.com ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 19 16:40:25 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 16:40:25 -0500 Subject: Marriages That Work still at work in Michigan - 2/15/01 Message-ID: subject: Marriages That Work still at work in Michigan - 2/15/01 from: Smart Marriages At the Orlando Smart Marriages conference, Judges Jim Sheridan and Helen Brown will present a keynote session on their Michigan Mediation project as well as a workshop with Stan Posthumus on how they are organizing this project in their state. Stan Posthumus will also present a 2-day post conference training institute on the Focused Thinking Mediation process - the program on which the Michigan Mediation Project is based. It is a process of divorce mediation which leaves open the possibility of reconciliation and about which people all over the country are so excited. There are also pre-conference training institutes on both the Prepare and the Foccus inventories mentioned in this article. - diane sollee ***** Adrian Daily Telegram 2/15/01 Marriages That Work still at work By Clark Cothern Four years ago, Lenawee County, MI made national and international headlines when Marriages That Work, a volunteer organization founded by District Court Judge James Sheridan led a movement resulting in a community marriage policy. 70 people capable of performing marriages, including ministers, mayors and magistrates, signed a covenant, pledging to voluntarily require of engaged couples a waiting period of at least four months, and the use of a premarriage inventory for use in marriage preparation. The premarriage education required by those signing the covenant helps couples improve communication and conflict resolution skills, and helps them look ahead at couple goals, family finances, and other potential pitfalls that often lead to divorce. When news headlines picked up on the word "mandatory," sparks flew and ink rolled onto newspapers and magazines. TV crews came knocking on Lenawee County doors. Sheridan was portrayed by many as a hyperconservative tyrant, overstepping his legal bounds by writing his own law. Groups like the ACLU and Freedom From Religion coiled, ready to strike at the first whiff of a lawsuit. Since then however, it has become clearer that the community marriage policy is strictly voluntary, and that no law has been passed in this county, or in the state, mandating premarriage preparation. The truth is that many Lenawee County couples have benefited from premarriage education, including Jamie and Kelly Nash of Tecumseh. In an interview with ABC reporter Rebecca Chase, Jamie said, "I don't know why couples wouldn't want to go through this type of preparation. People take classes to improve their skills related to their career. Why wouldn't they want to improve the skills related to their marriage?" Has Marriages That Work's strategies reduced the divorce rate in this county? Yes, if you remove from the divorced list those who avoided premarriage preparation by traveling outside the county to obtain their marriage licenses. No, if you factor them into the overall number of divorces filed here. It ought to be a clear signal to couples wishing to marry that those who haven't taken the premarriage education courses are already divorcing. To be fair not all couples who invest themselves in premarriage education stay married. But the success rate is far greater for those who do than for those who don't. Since Marriages That Work began, concerned Lenawee County citizens have led conferences which have trained ministers and counselors in the use of two highly effective premarriage preparation tools, Prepare, and Focus, both giving couples who intend to marry a jump-start in their relationship. In addition to these tools, a series of PREP courses, aimed at improving communications skills for all couples, are being offered by Marriages That Work, in various locations and at various times, throughout the county. The next PREP course is scheduled for February 17th at St. Elizabeth's Church in Tecumseh. Another PREP training will be held March 31st at the Evangelical Free Church of Adrian-Tecumseh. Marriages That Work is also partnering with other agencies, to educate people about the important skills necessary to succeed in marriage. They are working with a Connections program that equips young people in schools with relationship and conflict resolution skills. A pilot program aimed at providing mediation for couples in the early stages of divorce is also in the works. The program will equip Michigan counties with mediators trained in the use of Focused Thinking, a highly effective method developed by nationally known professional mediator Stan Posthumus. 70 percent of the couples involved in this mediation process settle without litigation. 50 percent choose to stay married. The 30 percent who continue with litigation are better prepared to parent after their divorce, without involving their children in family battles. Stan Posthumus will be in Lenawee County on Sunday, February 25th, at Hope Lutheran Church in Adrian, training any interested clergy in the use of his highly effective mediation techniques. The training, which will prove useful for ministers who get involved in any level of couple counseling, is being offered at no charge, and will take place from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. For additional information about any of these Marriages That Work opportunities, or for information about starting a community marriage policy in your area, call the MTW information line at 517-266-8525, or email MTW at marriagesthatwork at hotmail.com. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or to change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Then enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 20 11:30:24 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 11:30:24 -0500 Subject: Sherod's Squares//Relationship Intelligence//Harvard says: Wives = Healthier Men Message-ID: subject: Sherod's Squares/Relationship Intelligence/Harvard: Wives = Healthier Men from: Smart Marriages We still need volunteers for the Orlando Smart Marriages conference. Interested students, send an email. Work your way through Smart Marriages. If any of you could use extra brochures to distribute at conferences, workshops, let me know. - diane ______________________ COUPLE COMMUNICATION & SHEROD'S SQUARES: Heads Up - Workshop #205 "Sherod's Squares" (by Sherod Miller) was one of the highest rated workshops at last year's conference and therefore is being repeated - "by popular demand". This is to alert you to the fact that, like last year, it will have limited registration and will close out. The reason it has a limit is the same thing that makes it so much fun - it's VERY experiential. Sherod needs lots of room to move you around on the those squares. So, this is a heads-up - to warn you to register early if you want this session. Same deal with his institute #902 "COUPLE COMMUNICATION (CC)" It is also incredibly popular - and for the same reason - it's a very active and engaging model. And, because he needs space and time to work with everyone, it also has a cap. Register for that early too. CC is the marriage education program that uses the famous floor mats - couples learn by moving to different positions on the speaker or listener mats. I remember taking the training and thinking it felt like learning a dance - "the couple's dance." The learning is kinesthetically experienced - so once you learn it, you tend not to forget it. And as you move around on those mats you can't help but be flooded with insights - you suddenly see how you are doing the dance. - diane sollee _______________________ TRAINING FOR SCHOOL AND YOUTH GROUPS: RQ: Relationship Intelligence training Friday evening and Saturday, April 20-21, Harrisburg, PA Registration: $49 or $79 with the two teacher curriculum manuals. After April 16: $59, and $89 with two teacher manuals. Learn to present RQ to middle and senior high school students - course covers: stages of intimacy, benefits of marriage, self-leadership, anger management, relationship skills, myths about sexuality, and more. The training is very interactive and useful not only for those who want to teach, but for anyone interested in guiding teenagers in areas of love and sexuality. To register or for information contact: freeteens at aol.com ____________________ SPOUSES CAN INFLUENCE HEALTH USA TODAY March 20, 2001 By Marilyn Elias MONTEREY, Calif. -- Scientists reported an array of new findings on physical and mental health at a recent American Psychosomatic Society meeting here. Among the studies: Wives lead to healthier men It's well known that men's health suffers when they become divorced or widowed. But why? Apparently, many stop eating their vegetables when a woman isn't around. They eat more fried foods in restaurants, and drink and smoke more than men who are still married, reports P. Mona Eng of Harvard University's School of Public Health. Her study followed 29,728 professional men, ages 40 to 75, over two four-year periods. ''It looks like wives have been taking care of them in practical ways and giving emotional support,'' Eng says. When spouses aren't there, destructive health habits creep in for many. ? Copyright 2001 USA TODAY, a division of Gannett Co. Inc. ***************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 20 18:29:22 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 18:29:22 -0500 Subject: Cutting Marriage Tax Isn't So Easy - 3/16/01 Message-ID: subject: Cutting Marriage Tax Isn't So Easy - 3/16/01 from: Smart Marriages "GOP Finds Cutting Marriage Tax, Once A Slam Dunk, Isn't So Easy" By Brian Mitchell and Sean Higgins Investor's Business Daily March 16, 2001 Ending the "marriage tax" was supposed to be easy for the GOP. It brought together two of the party's key constituencies - tax-cutting fiscal conservatives and pro-family social conservatives. But a funny thing happened on the way to the tax-cut altar. The pro-family groups bolted. They are now fighting hard against President Bush's proposed fix for the marriage tax. And they are winning. House GOP leaders left the Bush fix out of the nearly $1 trillion tax-cut package they passed last week. They are now scrambling to rework the fix to please its critics. They'll need to come up with something quick. Bush has made it his top priority to pass his tax cut by early July. The House is expected to move on the marriage tax in the next two weeks. At the moment, though, the only thing everyone can agree on is that something must be done. Right now a husband and wife who both work often pay more in taxes than they would if they were not married. This happens for two reasons: (1) The standard deduction for married couples is less than the standard deduction for two singles. A single person can deduct $4,400 from his taxable income. Twice that would be $8,800, but married couples can deduct only $7,350. Two single people living together can get an even bigger break if one of them files as "head of household." That would give them a combined deduction of $10,850. (2) Taxing husbands and wives together often pushes couples into a higher tax bracket. Two singles with a taxable income of $60,000 would be taxed at 28%. But if they were married, their combined income of $120,000 would be taxed at 31%. They would pay even more if they were married and filed separately. That would put them in the 36% bracket. President Bush has proposed letting working couples deduct 10% of the lesser income, up to $3,000. That would wipe out the "marriage penalty" for most couples. The Congressional Budget Office found in 1997 that 43% of couples incur the "marriage penalty" under current rules. But 51% of couples are better off the way things are now. Most of those have only one income. The Bush fix would mean that couples with two incomes would pay less tax than couples with one income at the same level. Instead of a "marriage penalty," couples with stay-at-home moms would suffer a "homemaker penalty." "What it really amounts to is a little subsidy for wives to be in the workforce, and we don't really need that," said Michael Schwartz, lobbyist for Concerned Women for America. "Not only do I not think (the Bush proposal) is the right path, I think it is actually harmful," he said. "It's not even better than nothing." The Bush fix would also mean that the richer would pay less and the poorer would pay more. That's because couples with stay-at-home moms earn much less on average than dual-income couples. Data from the 2000 census show that couples with a working husband and a non-working wife have a median income of $45,541. For couples in which both the husband and the wife work full-time, the median income is $72,930. Working couples with kids do even better if they claim the Dependent Care Tax Credit, which can cut up to $930 off their tax bill. Couples who do not pay someone else to watch their kids can't do that. Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle, D-S.D., has sponsored a bill that would let married couples file separately and each get the singles deduction. That would end the marriage penalty all right. But it would tilt the tax system in favor of couples with two incomes over couples with one. Other bills in Congress would make the married deduction double the singles deduction. Congress passed such a bill last summer, but President Clinton vetoed it, saying it would cost too much. But doubling the standard deduction won't end the marriage penalty for everyone. Some working couples would still pay less tax as singles. A third way put forth in Congress would double the standard deduction and the top limit of each tax bracket. This would end the marriage penalty without slighting one-income couples. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas, has sponsored such a bill in the Senate. Rep. Sam Johnson, R-Texas, has sponsored a similar bill in the House. Both have won the support of many family groups. In effect, the Hutchison and Johnson bills would revive the practice of "income splitting." Income splitting was part of the tax code from 1948 to 1963. Under it, a married couple making $60,000 is taxed at the same marginal rate as a single person making $30,000. It doesn't matter which spouse makes the money. One-income couples are treated the same as two-income couples. Through the 1960s and 1970s, the trend in the U.S. and Europe was toward tax codes that ignored marriage and treated earners as individuals. Income splitting fell victim to the charge that it was unfair to singles. It was also thought to waste labor by rewarding wives for not working. Then in 1986, President Reagan pushed through the current system favoring married couples. The Bush plan would reverse Reagan and restore a 1981 tax break for two-income couples. "What makes it so hard is that there are three groups of taxpayers: unmarried taxpayers, one-earner couples and two-earner couples," said Lawrence Zelenak, expert on tax law at the University of North Carolina. "There is absolutely nothing you can do under which one of those groups does not have a plausible complaint that they are getting a bad deal." ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Wed Mar 21 18:47:48 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 18:47:48 -0500 Subject: Our work does have an effect - one couple and one state at a time Message-ID: subject: Our work does have an effect - one couple and one state at a time from: Smart Marriages Hi - I want to share this letter. It inspires me, hope it inspires you too. It also got me to take the time to make a link on www.smartmarriages.com to a "recovery from infidelity" resource page. Which reminds me to ask all of you for suggestions for the web site - articles or links that should be added, pages, quotes, etc. - things that should be deleted, updated, etc. I'd greatly appreciate your help. Although this writer has given me permission to use her name, I'm not going to. I told her that Shirley Glass and Retrouvaille will again be presenting at the 5th annual Smart Marriages conference and she said she and her husband will try to come. Another word of encouragement - the Illinois Marriage Education bill has just cleared committee and has been sent to the Senate. More on this later. - diane ***** Dear Diane, I wanted to thank you for founding SmartMarriage.com and to let you know how your work has impacted my life. A couple of weeks ago, I found that my husband of 18 years had been viewing several pornography sites online (which I find offensive and disrespectful). We had early on mutually decided that there would be "zero tolerance" for this, especially as we raise a son and daughter. I felt his action was a violation of trust; I was very upset. I questioned him about further betrayals of trust, if he could betray that one, and found out he had gone over to the home of a friend of ours, single in her 20's, and had kissed her "out of curiosity" about 3 years ago. I packed my bags, intending to leave, as we started our marriage with a history of his infidelity (during our engagement). He compelled me to listen and I did and chose at that point to stay only for the sake of our kids. We had a horrible week. But in the pain I felt, I did an internet search to find some help and found your website and found an article written by Dr. Shirley Glass. It literally saved me, my husband and our marriage. I sent it to my husband and it allowed him to see the issues going on for him and for me. My husband was completely struck by the windows/walls image she used and he realized these had been reversed in his mind all his life until now. It has also helped him listen without feeling criticized or blamed by me when I tell him how I'm feeling. The wisdom in the article has allowed us to begin to transform and we have, as a result, signed up for a Retrouvaille weekend in April in San Diego. Thanks to that article, and your website, I feel hope that we can create something new. Neither one of us wants a divorce, but we have problems we need to solve to keep our marriage intact. Thank you again! Sincerely, Kim C. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 22 02:19:15 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001 02:19:15 -0500 Subject: Shirley Glass//On Selecting a Mate -Stosny, Van Epp, etc - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Shirley Glass//On Selecting a Mate -Stosny, Van Epp, etc - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages INFIDELITY: Dear Colleagues: Just read the latest e-mail. Great to learn of another marriage saved! How could I get a copy or reprint of Dr. Shirley Glass' article? My wife and I have been in Christian ministry the last 20 years and seen most marriages saved. Would like to add this article to our "arsenal." The Rev. Dr. Donald I. Bloch (pairofdox at aol.com) So many of you wrote to ask how you could read the article. It's on the smartmarriages.com web site on both the articles page (along with dozens of helpful articles) and also on a special "Infidelity?" link from the home page. It is terrific. However, you'd need to get permission to reproduce it. The author gave us permission to post it on the website because Shirley Glass did a keynote that year at Smart Marriages. Many of you have also asked about Shirley Glass. She is working on a book on her model which will be out next year. She will present at the Orlando Conference on Friday afternoon (See session #305) And you can order tapes of her presentations at previous Smart Marriages conferences which I highly recommend for use with couples. The tapes of her 90 minute workshops are $10. Order #750-505. The audiotape of her 1999 keynote session "Preventing Infidelity: Walls and Windows" which also features Frank Pittman and Peggy & James Vaughan is also only $10. Or, the keynote is available on videotape for $25. For the keynote order tape #759 -P3. Call 800-241-7785 to order tapes. ******************* ON SELECTING A MATE: Here's more good stuff from the All About Families Newsletter Volume 6 Number 8 March 21, 2001 Norman Bales, editor To subscribe to this free newsletter, visit http://www.allaboutfamilies.org/ Stosny and Van Epp mentioned here are both presenting workshops and training institutes at Smart Marriages Orlando. And, the Satir communication styles are a core piece of the PAIRS program which will be presented in various formats by PAIRS founder Lori Gordon. Orlando will offer the chance to take a two day training institute taught by Lori on the school/youth program version of PAIRS - PEERS for Schools. - diane ON SELECTING A MATE: Part Five ISSUES TO CONSIDER (2) by Mikal Frazier, LMFT, LPC EMOTIONAL: In very troubled homes, an invisible rule for functioning is "Don't talk, don't trust, and don't feel." Children in these homes are taught that what they see they do not see and what they feel is wrong and unacceptable. From these negative patterns and rules, children have experiences of being rejected, abandoned, devalued, powerless, guilty, and unlovable. Steven Stosny identifies these as core hurts in his book "THE MYSTERY OF YOU." Stosny teaches that these core hurts separate us from our core value of importance, value, worthiness and equality. Another description of core value might be that we are loving, lovable and worthwhile. When our core hurts separate us from our core value, then symptoms and defenses develop. Stosny identifies these as "blame, anger, anxiety, obsessions, depression, manipulation, control, alcohol, drug abuse, workaholism, abuse of others." These symptoms and defenses will prevent the development of close and intimate relationships. One definition of intimacy is shared privacy. One of the most private parts of a person is the emotional state. These symptoms and defenses are used to prevent others from knowing the deep pain experienced inside and to hide the fear of experiencing these hurts again. These symptoms are for self-protection and self-protection builds walls that prevent intimate relationships. During the dating relationship become familiar enough with your partner that you can identify the style of communication used when under stress. Author and family therapist Virginia Satir has identified four detrimental styles of communicating when under stress. Each of these styles is produced from a base of fear. These four styles are placating, blaming, computing and distracting. The placater becomes a "yes" man or woman and discounts the self out of fear. The blamer finds fault and criticizes and discounts the other out of fear. The computer is super-reasonable and discounts self and others and only focuses on the issue. The distracter discounts the self, the other and the issue by avoiding eye contact, the issue and changing the subject. The goal is to be congruent. To do so the speaker must be aware of his or her own experience and then be able to share it honestly. This creates the intimacy that is desired. When a person is congruent, the thinking, feeling and doing (communicating) of that individual are all in agreement. The communication style will give significant indication about the emotional health of the individual. People who are healthy emotionally are able to be open and share their experience. They are able to trust others and make themselves vulnerable. They will be aware of their feelings and accepting of them. When a person can identify and accept his/her own emotions, then that person will have more insight and acceptance of the emotional experience of significant others. With this kind of openness and insight, empathy can develop. Empathy can result in the sharing of feelings, hopes and dreams of the other. Daniel Goleman, in EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, cites research that finds "the capacity for empathic affect, for putting oneself in another's place, leads people to follow certain moral principles." Empathy will motivate partners to act in the best interest of the other and of the relationship. Remember the "Jerk" identified by Van Epp (AAF Newsletter, 02/21/02, "Every Date is a Potential Mate"). This guy had poor insight into himself. He will also have poor insight into others. He was taught that what he felt was not acceptable and what he saw he did not see. He could not develop empathy for others. He would not be able to share on the emotional level, the feelings, hopes and dreams of his partner. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Fri Mar 23 10:17:33 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2001 10:17:33 -0500 Subject: URGENT Illinois marriage bill moves to Senate!! - please contact your senator Message-ID: subject: URGENT Illinois marriage bill moves to Senate!! from: Smart Marriages Dear Diane, We have successfully moved a premarital education bill out of committee and are now lobbying it on the Senate floor and have only a short window for pass/fail. Please ask those on your list to do what they can to lend support by phone calls or letters to state senators in the next few days. It is URGENT that they act immediately. Those out of state can also help by sending letters of support and any evidence of effectiveness, stats, etc. Thanks, Gemma Allen Gemma is an attorney who came to the Denver Smart Marriages conference and is coordinating this effort. The bill was defeated last year but chances look good this year - we should all pitch in. Fax letters to her at 312-444-1027 or email them to her at Gemmaballen at aol.com. Call her at 312-853-3000 and she'll help you target your efforts. Don't put this off, the vote will be next week. - diane FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: FOR MORE INFORMATION: Wednesday, March 21, 2001 Toby Trimmer: 217/782-0566 SB 24 passed the committee on Tuesday, March 19th. SENATE COMMITTEE APPROVES CULLERTON?S LEGISLATION TO EDUCATE BEFORE MARRIAGE SPRINGFIELD, Illinois ? With more than 40,000 marriages ending in divorce every year in Illinois, State Senator John Cullerton (D-Chicago) has decided to do something about it. On Tuesday, the Senate Judiciary Committee approved Senate Bill 24, Cullerton?s measure encouraging engaged couples to seek pre-marital education. Under Cullerton?s legislation, marriage licenses would be provided to couples upon verification that they have participated in at least four hours of pre-marital education from religious officials or behavioral health professionals. Though statistics have proven that the education is highly beneficial in strengthening marriages, the measure allows couples who do not wish to seek the services to obtain a marriage license after a 60 day waiting period. "In Illinois, 47% of all marriages eventually end in divorce," Cullerton said. "The cost to spouses, to their children and their families is enormous. But there is extremely credible evidence that shows us that couples who participate in just a few hours of education before they exchange their vows tend to stay together at higher rates." Gemma Allen, a Chicago Divorce Attorney who founded a think tank on Illinois marriage and divorce initiatives and researched similar legislation in states throughout the nation, encouraged Cullerton to introduce the bill. Allen said that pre-marital education works by teaching much-needed techniques in the skill of resolving conflicts. CULLERTON, PRE-MARITAL EDUCATION / ADD1 "It?s my experience that many couples simply don?t know how to communicate their frustrations, concerns and difficulties with their spouse," Allen said. "As a result, this lack of communication boils over time and the relationship ends. But we know that there are simple skills that two people in love can and will learn, provided they have the resources and encouragement to do so." Cullerton?s measure also has the support of the Catholic Conference. Donna Dausman, the Director of the Office of Family and Youth Ministry for the Springfield Diocese said that the legislation keeps the best interests of families and children in mind. "Strong families and strong marriages are the cornerstone of our society," Dausman said. "Marriage preparation assists in helping those strong marriages and is in the best interests of these couples and, most importantly, the children of these couples. This legislation advances our goals to encourage lasting marriages in Illinois." The Illinois Family Institute, an affiliate of the Colorado-based "Focus on the Family" is also in strong support of Cullerton?s legislation. # # # # PHOTO: From left to right ? Donna Dausman, Director of the Office of Family and Youth Ministry for the Springfield Diocese, Gemma Allen, a Chicago Divorce Attorney and founder of Chicago-based Think Tank and Policy Group for Marriage and Divorce Policies and Initiatives and State Senator John Cullerton, Chief Sponsor of Senate Bill 24 testify before the Senate?s Judiciary Committee. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 26 11:55:29 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001 11:55:29 -0500 Subject: April 3rd ORLANDO meeting Message-ID: subject: April 3rd ORLANDO meeting from: Smart Marriages This is to remind you of the meeting 7pm next Tuesday night, April 3rd, in Orlando at the Rosen Centre Hotel. We'll go over the conference and talk about how the locals can use the conference to create a grassroots network - to strengthen marriages and families in Orlando. The conference provides all kinds of opportunities for local professionals to grow their efforts and to meet like-minded colleagues in the area. Call 407-996-9840 if you need directions. There is free parking at the hotel which is at 9840 International Dr right next to the Convention Center. Ya'll come. And bring friends. And journalists. I look forward to meeting you. Diane Sollee, director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Washington, DC /www.smartmarriages.com / 202-362-3332 *********************** The 5th Annual Smart Marriages conference will be June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. Subscribe to the FREE e-newsletter or list your program in the Directory of Classes at http://www.smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 26 18:52:56 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001 18:52:56 -0500 Subject: Viagra/Parish Nurses/The "Rules"/complaint/Employment opportunity In-Reply-To: <66.d2fbc94.27eaee89@aol.com> Message-ID: subject: Viagra/Parish Nurses/The "Rules"/complaint/Employment opportunity from: Smart Marriages VIAGRA: There was a GREAT article in the 3/21/01 USA TODAY life section on Viagra and it's effects on marriage. Also an inside piece on abuse by teens. Here is opening: 03/21/2001 Till Viagra do us part? By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY Viagra has changed the American sexual landscape forever since it was approved for use by the Food and Drug Administration three years ago on March 27, 1998. The blue pill shaped like a diamond has saved countless marriages by giving men back their sexual prowess and their self-esteem. But as the prescription drug energizes tens of thousands of couples, it also destabilizes others, some sex therapists and divorce attorneys say. Husbands previously unable to perform confront "Viagra wives" not excited to be asked once again for sex. "Some of my friends in my age bracket complain that while their libido is undergoing a natural decline, their husbands' interest in sex has rebounded due to Viagra," says Rosalind Brannigan, 58, of Arlington, Va. "It creates a disparity of intentions and expectations. They are on different tracks." Some Viagra wives now have to confront their own sexual dysfunction, sex experts say. Their husbands feel free to pack blue diamonds when they go on business trips. Erectile dysfunction (ED) ? the inability to get and maintain an erection firm enough to have sex ? no longer haunts them as it does 30 million American men. For the rest of the article, click on: http://www.usatoday.com/life/dcovthu.htm Keynoter Barry Miller, "Marital Sex As It Ought To Be," will include Viagra in his address on Saturday morning in Orlando. - diane ****************** PARISH NURSES: Diane, Do you have information on work done in churches/congregations with marriage prep/ marriage planning or "after the wedding" with parish nurses? Perhaps you are not familiar with that term, but basically nurses that work in the church, not necessarily hands on nursing. It is a ministry that has been around awhile but more prevalent in certain areas of the country. Ellen No, I don't. I'd appreciate learning more. I'll ask the list, though I imagine parish nurses would use the same programs for their work with couples and families as others in the congregation - mentors, lay educators, family ministers - the programs like Relationship Enhancement, Becoming Parents, Family Wellness, etc. I encourage you to attend the clergy laity breakfasts at the Orlando conference and share your experiences. It sounds like parishes that don't have "nurses" might want to add them - also, note that we have 63.5 CEU hrs this year for nurses. - diane ************* COHABITATION: Diane, Do you or one of your readers have information on studies that have been done showing divorce rates for couples who live together before marriage vs. couples who do not live together? Thanks Alan Stowell Go to the www.smartmarriages.com web site. Click on Marriage Reports and then on "Should We Live Together?" from Popenoe/Whitehead. Also go to the ARCHIVE search engine and search for articles on cohabitation. Note to EVERYONE - do NOT use the little search box on the home page to search the newsletter archives. That search engine searches the whole smartmarriages website but is NOT NOT NOT what you want to use to search the newsletter/newslist archive. To search the archive, click on Archive link (top left of page) and then use the really good search engine that searches only the archive. MUCH better way to find things. - diane ************** "THE RULES" AUTHOR DIVORCING: MSNBC March 23, 2001 Divorce pits ?Rules? against reality Warner Books has a marketing puzzle on its hands By Devon Spurgeon THE WALL STREET JOURNAL March 23 ? Coming in June is the third installment of ?The Rules,? the controversial best-selling series of dating-and-mating advice books. IT IS SUBTITLED ?Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work.? But there is a problem. One of the co-authors is getting divorced. Now AOL Time Warner Inc.?s publishing unit, Warner Books, which is planning to print at least 100,000 copies of ?Rules III,? has a marketing puzzle on its hands: how to sell a how-to book on wedded bliss co-written by a woman whose marriage is kaput. At stake is a publishing franchise. Released on Valentine?s Day 1995, the 171-page first volume of ?The Rules? became a world-wide blockbuster after it was reported that Princess Diana had adopted the dating strategy. With its calculating counsel to women on how to catch a man, the book touched off gender wars in offices, on talk shows and around college campuses. And it made celebrities out of co-authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, who boasted repeatedly that the success of their own happy marriages was proof that the ?Rules? work. Among other things, in the first book and its sequel, ?The Rules II,? the tart-tongued twosome advised women to be ?quiet and mysterious,? not to be too funny on a first date, to use egg timers to limit phone conversations with prospective beaus to 10 minutes or less, and even to get plastic surgery ?if you have a bad nose.? Though utterly galling to feminists and other critics, the first volume sold more than two million copies and has been translated into 27 languages. After ?Rules?-following sororities sprung up around the country, Warner Books figured on a big readership for a third book, with the two authors muscling in on matrimony. But as ?Rules III? was being readied for print in mid-January, Ms. Fein, 43 years old, dropped a bomb on Warner Books. In a phone call to her editor, she revealed that she had filed for divorce from her husband of 16 years, Paul Feingertz, a pharmacist. What the publisher didn?t realize was the divorce actually had been filed a year earlier. Ms. Fein, a stay-at-home mom before her book success, cited ?abandonment? as grounds for her divorce claim filed in Nassau County court in Garden City, N.Y., on Jan. 3, 2000. Neither Ms. Fein nor Mr. Feingertz would discuss the matter. Ms. Fein signed the contract for the new marital advice book in October 1999, only three months before she filed for divorce. She delayed telling Warner Books because she hoped to reconcile with her husband, says Caryn Karmatz Rudy, a senior editor who edited the ?Rules.? The third Rules volume stands to be as contentious as the first two. It advises a married women to be subservient to her mate and to wear her hair long, because men supposedly find it more attractive. And don?t go looking to your husbands for sympathy about life?s daily hassles, the authors caution, since men shouldn?t be expected to be good nurturers. ?These are authors who have always been controversial and say what is on their mind,? says Jamie Raab, senior vice president and publisher of Warner Books. ?They stir the pot, and they are going to do it again.? The book also includes a chapter on the ?D? word ? divorce. Claiming that it is ?easier to stay married than get married,? the authors say strict observation of the ?Rules? can even restore a failing relationship. But what makes the divorce issue especially resonant is the authors? habit of using their marital status to promote their books. In an appearance on the ?Oprah Winfrey Show? in November 1996, for instance, Ms. Fein twice described herself as ?happily married? to bolster her authority on courtship tactics. And in repeated disagreements with another Oprah guest, feminist Regina Barreca, she even suggested that Ms. Barreca?s divorce undermined her credibility. ?We are on our first marriages, and you?re on your second,? she sniped to the author of ?Perfect Husbands (and Other Fairy Tales.)? ?It really became a catfight,? recalls Ms. Barecca, in an interview. ?Being married is not a credential.? Unfortunately, Ms. Fein?s divorce revelation came after advance copies of ?Rules III? had been printed, with a cover blurb citing the two authors? enduring marriages as proof of their connubial wisdom: ?Ellen and Sherrie, two longtime married women themselves, know that just because you?ve married the man of your dreams doesn?t mean your work has ended; good marriages don?t happen by accident." The marriage reference will be dropped from the next cover printing, and Warner Books also is crafting an 11th-hour insert to the book?s foreword acknowledging the state of Ms. Fein?s marital affairs, says Ms. Raab. While not yet finalized, she says, it will note that one of the authors has separated from her husband, but that both Ms. Fein and Ms. Schneider still believe in their ?Rules? and strongly stand by them. For now, Ms. Fein and Ms. Schneider, 41, are remaining silent about the divorce, which is pending, because they plan to address the issue during book signings and other appearances on their promotional tour later this year, Ms. Raab says. The book executive says the publisher won?t be telling the authors what to say, but she hinted at how the pair might try to deflect any criticism. In the new book, after all ?You learn as much about [relationships] that do work as you do about things that don?t,? she says. Besides, there are other successful love gurus who have been through a divorce, namely John Gray, author of ?Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.? Syndicated advice columnist Ann Landers also is divorced. One contradiction Ms. Fein may have to tackle: The first book promised women that they could avoid a ?messy divorce? if they follow the ?Rules.? ?Instead, you will have one of those made-in-heaven marriages. A ?Rules? marriage is forever,? the two authors proclaimed. **************** NEWSLETTER COMPLAINT: >Hi >I have a suggestion for you >that I feel will benefit all concerned. As you can see >from my email address I live in Australia. I subscribe >to your newsletter as it has many interesting and >useful items which my husband and I enjoy reading. >There is however one thing that I have found >increasingly annoying and that is the number of emails >that really have little to do with someone from >overseas. Perhaps it would be possible for you to come >up with a system whereby you are able to be more >selective about who you send mail to. For example I >wish to receive only those emails from you that have >articles that are relevant to me an Australian. I >really am not that intrested in you legeslation or >conference. Maybe it would be possible to devise a >system whereby anyone with something other than .com >could be exluded. This would mean that people from >overseas wouldn't receive emails about conferences, >legislation and other matters that really only concern >those living in the USA. >Kindest Regards USA email addresses have literally hundreds of different endings - they're not just .com (some are state govs, some are universities, .net, .org - all kinds of endings) - so that wouldn't work even if there were a software program that allowed me to do that. (There isn't. And, btw,I don't even know who is subscribed to the list. That's all done automatically on the web site. Where one can subscribe or unsubscribe to the newslist. ) I suggest you unsubscribe from the list and simply check in from time to time and scroll through the newsletter archive. I can understand how frustrating it must be to receive all this stuff that is of no use to you. The archive is easily reached from the web page. You could bookmark it to make your life easier. I sent the announcement about the local Orlando meeting to the full list because I've found in the past that everyone knows someone - and readers of the list sometimes contact a friend who lives in the local meeting area (this year Orlando, last year Denver) and tells them about the meeting and they turn out to be some of my best contacts. Australians seem to know people all over the states. They are definitely a traveling group. I'm going to share this with the list because I know others even here in the states are bothered by the volume of mail. - diane sollee ******************** EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY - MAKE MONEY WHILE DOING WHAT YOU LOVE! This guy is writing a book and would like to hire someone to help with the research (grad student or asst professor). I talked with him and said that I'd pass it along. Richard E. Heyman, Ph.D. Research Assistant Professor Dept of Psychology Stony Brook University Stony Brook, NY 11790 Dear Richard: I am in the process of writing a book on marriage. I bring to it the record of a very successful marriage of fifty years, more than twenty years in publishing, and a keen interest in what makes marriages successful and unsuccessful. I expect it to be a small book, somewhat on the model of Strunk and White?s, ?The Elements of Style.? I have about 300 pages of notes, a table of contents, and would like to have most of it written by late summer. The Research Associate candidate, whom I am searching for, will look at the existing literature in books and periodicals and extract those things that will be considered pertinent to the book (i.e., marrying the right partner, being the right partner, and living with the lifelong commitment to make the marriage a great partnership). I would also expect the Research Associate to conduct some interviews. All other things being equal, I believe a woman would be less threatening to the interviewees. In addition, we should be considering working with someone like Gallup to get a larger representative sample on a few issues. The candidate should have at least a Masters and be in graduate school, but I would also consider an assistant professor who would be interested in doing such a special project on a part-time basis, perhaps, an average of 15- 20 hours a week. It would be great if you can help us find a ?star? ? someone with solid training and experience in. research, well-spoken, intelligent, hardworking, computer and Internet literate, be very interested in the topic and committed to the success of the book, enterprising and fun to work with. I look forward to hearing from you, meeting you, and interviewing a small number of outstanding prospective candidates. I would also very much like your comments on the structure and contents of the initial manuscript. Cordially, Gerard G. Leeds 17 Hilltop Drive Great Neck, NY 11021 Tel: (516) 482-6942 Fax: (516) 482-5861 E-mail: gleeds at isa-ed.org Februa ry 26, 2001 From cmfce at his.com Wed Mar 28 17:59:00 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2001 17:59:00 -0500 Subject: Second Half/Menopause/Heritage press release/Illinois Message-ID: subject: Second Half/Menopause/Heritage press release/Illinois letters from: Smart Marriages First, I don't know where we appeared today, but clearly we did - tremendous number of visits to the web site and subscriptions to the newsletter pouring in. I've done lots of interviews lately but I lose track of when or where things appear. Or maybe it was one of you who published the smartmarriges.com web site address somewhere big. If you figure it out, let me know. Also, if you need more conference brochures, let me know. I'll get them right out to you. I shipped 5,000 to the Orlando diocese. That's the kind of action we need! - diane ************** ARPS on the RADIO: Ain't technology wonderful! - while David & Claudia Arp are in the Ukraine teaching their Marriage Alive seminar they'll be on Focus on the Family radio show here in the states - Monday and Tuesday, April 2 & 3. They'll talk about their book, Fighting for Your Empty Nest Marriage. The show is carried on more 2000 stations across the country. The Arps just did a Marriage Alive training for the 90 leadership couples at a church in Charlotte, NC. The church just signed up to be a Marriage Saver church and kicked things off by encouraging their leadership to energize their own marriages. (To sign up as a marriage saver church take the Marriage Savers institute at the Orlando conference.) David and Claudia will teach both their "Second Half" and their "10 Great Dates" curricula - which are in video, manual, ready-to-teach formats - at the Orlando Smart Marriages conference. And, isn't it nice to know that the courses are being taught all around the world!? - diane **************** DISASTEROUS NEW MENOPAUS BOOK If you read this newsletter you know that the Arps focus on "marriages in the second half" (long marriages) and that these are the only marraiges that have an increasing rate of divorce. I predict that a new best selling book is going to just make things worse - that we're going to see an increase in divorces in long-term marriages from all the publicity this book is getting. Christine Northrup, MD, author of "The Wisdom of Menopause," is making the rounds and seems to be on ALL the shows. She had a full hour on Oprah last week, and was on The Today Show this morning. Her message is basically that menopause is not a bad thing but instead is "a time of opportunity and growth." So far, so good. BUT, then she goes on to explain that in menopause "you have to learn to listen to your inner self" - and talks about how she got in touch with her inner self and came to realize her marriage wasn't working for her - wasn't fulfilling, wasn't making her happy - so she got divorced and set off on a glorious new beginning - a rebirth. It sounds like she was married to a perfectly good man and had a fine marriage. And kids. Those who interview her go on and on - dwell and focus on the fact that she "found herself" by dumping her marriage. She talks about sleeping better, dreaming more, being happier and more creative, blah blah. And it so sounds like what fixed her was to realize that her marriage wasn't all that it should be. One way to fight back: go to her book page on amazon.com and write a review of the book. Another would be to write letters to the shows. Surely some of you have seen her. Send me your ideas. - diane ******************* THE NEW YORKER - April 2, 2001 The New Yorker cartoons, always topical, have picked up on the buzz (about the Northrup Menopause book.) There's a cartoon of two ladies lunching and one is saying to the other, "I was on hormone replacement for two years before I realized that what I really needed was Steve replacement." ************** NEW YORKER CRITIC'S CORNER: MARRIAGE BOOKS Also in this week's issue is a review in Critic's Corner of a bunch of the new marriage books - "Conditional Surrender: What wives are for, and other marital morasses" by Rebecca Mead. "In mid-nineteenth-century, it was clear what a wife was for, as it has been for much of the long history of matrimony. What a wife is for in the early twenty-first century, is however, less obvious....." and so on. The books reviewed are: The Surrendered Wife - Laura Doyle The Marriage Sabbatical - Cheryl Jarvis Surrendering to Marriage - Iris Krasnow The Price of Motherhood - Ann Crittenden A History of the Wife - Marilyn Yalom She closes with our girl Iris (a book I endorsed). "The new batch of marriage books suggest that today's women are betrayed by great expectations - they expect matrimony to provide them with happiness, something that may be much harder to achieve than extending the franchise to women or outlawing marital rape. . . . . .Krasnow's gloss on surrender differs from Doyle's: what she has in mind is mutual submission to the institution, as "a commitment we made, a spiritual promise larger than our own selfish desires." Surrendering means deciding to stand by one's vows even when boredom becomes the dominant theme of a marriage. . . . Krasnow gets at something that the other books don't : that marriage does not provide happiness (though it can often provide an environment in which to experience happiness), and that it is not an exhilarating private journey of self-discovery but a mode of living in the social world. . . . Marriage is an expression of a desire to wed the rational to the irrational: it is the most sensible, practical way of living in the world that has thus far been devised and, at the same time, life's most improbably undertaking. The Krasnow book isn't out till June - let's hope she gets on ALL the shows! - diane ****************** HERITAGE REPORT: Here is a press release for the report I told you about yesterday. I figure some of you can use this press release in your state/community campaigns. To read the full report go to smartmarriages.com and click on Marriage Reports. - diane For Immediate Release Contact: Heritage Public Relations GOVERNMENT CAN SAVE TAX DOLLARS BY PROMOTING MARRIAGE, ANALYST SAYS WASHINGTON, MARCH 27, 2001 ?Through one relatively inexpensive step, government can reduce crime, violence, drug abuse, child abuse and out-of-wedlock births, a new Heritage Foundation paper says. It also can help the next generation earn more, learn more and stay in school longer. This seemingly magical step? Promoting the institution of marriage, especially among the poor, writes Patrick Fagan, Heritage?s FitzGerald fellow in family and cultural issues. An overwhelming amount of social science research shows that children who grow up in intact, two-parent families enjoy numerous advantages over those who don?t, says Fagan, a former family counselor. Typically, the former are healthier, are more likely to graduate, are better off financially, and are far less likely to engage in crime and other destructive behaviors. Which is why, Fagan says, at least some government funds that go toward alleviating poverty should be devoted to fighting one of its central causes?the breakdown of marriage and the two-parent family. Fagan suggests public and private organizations join forces to undertake a variety of community-based programs that help couples stay married and encourage young women to avoid out-of-wedlock births. A number of programs, including Marriage Savers, Best Friends and Community Marriage Covenants, have proven track records, he says. "It cannot be overstated that the common good rests massively on the stability of family life, which is premised on the stability of marriage," says Fagan. "To the extent that marriage breaks down, public order decreases, public costs increase, and the need for government controls to contain the resulting chaos increases." Some states have begun making progress on the issue, Fagan notes. In June 1999, Oklahoma convened the nation?s first statewide conference on marriage and emerged with a goal to reduce divorce by 33 percent by 2010. It also had a plan for how to do it ? financed, in part, by surplus money the state received from the federal government through the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program. Since then, Oklahoma has made welfare regulations more marriage-friendly, begun pro-marriage public ad campaigns aimed separately at children and adults, and extended funding and other assistance to faith-, community- and government-based programs designed to strengthen marriage and support families. Arizona, meanwhile, authorized $1 million to develop community-based marriage courses. Arkansas has set a goal to cut its divorce rate in half by 2010, and its governor has urged counties to use TANF funds to help. Florida offers discounts on marriage licenses to those who take marriage-prep courses. Iowa, Kansas, New Mexico and Utah have conducted marriage summits similar to Oklahoma?s. And the Louisiana legislature touched off a national debate in 1997 when it legalized covenant marriages, which require a two-year waiting period before a divorce is granted. It also eliminated so-called "no-fault" divorce, which wound up making it too easy to get a divorce, Fagan says. Fagan says an energized research community has generated increasingly effective methods to preserve troubled marriages and prevent those unlikely to work. He also says that, thanks to excess TANF funding, money shouldn?t be a concern. Other methods are available to further encourage healthy families, he says: waiting periods for marriage licenses, rewards to counties that help lower rates of divorce and out-of-wedlock births, and tax-based rewards for marriage stability. "But mostly, it?s up to states to realize just how much divorce is costing them?and to decide what they?re going to do about it," he says. ***************** A LETTER IN SUPPORT OF THE ILLINOIS LEGISLATION: I imagine this is something those of you who are working on legislation can also use: March 23, 2001 Ms. Gemma Allen, Esq. Dear Ms. Allen: It is my understanding that you are spearheading the adoption of a premarital education bill which is now before the Senate of the Illinois legislature. The Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment (A.C.M.E.) would like to go on record as approving of the adoption of this bill. The A.C.M.E. has been in the business of strengthening marriages for 30 years now. As the oldest and largest marriage enrichment program in the world, we understand the necessity of beginning the process in the early years of a relationship. Please have your senators consider the following points: a.. The fundamental building block of society is the family and at the heart of the family is a committed couple. b.. Learning to be a couple is not inborn, it is learned, either from parents, social interaction or from formal instruction. c.. Marriage is a lifelong learning experience which requires an intentional effort on the parts of both partners. d.. Society has a fundamental stake in the health and welfare of families: dysfunctional families means a dysfunctional society. e.. While morality cannot be legislated, certain conditions which foster strong marital ties can be legislated. f.. Four hours of training before marriage is only a beginning. Dr. David Mace, the founder of Marriage Enrichment, was fond of saying that the main purpose of premarital counseling is to get the couple to commit to coming back after they have been married six months. Ms. Allen, it is the dream of A.C.M.E. that some day, all couples who are preparing for marriage will participate in an extensive couples communication program. And further, it is our dream that once married, couples will continue to participate in ongoing relationship building experiences - retreats, workshops, small group meetings. Then, and only then, will we begin to see marriage as the joyous union which it was intended to be. If we in A.C.M.E. can be of assistance to you, please do not hesitate to contact me. We have a number of members and groups throughout the state of Illinois and we would be extremely happy to be a part of strengthening marriages in your state. Please contact me if we can be of service. Sincerely, Robert E. Button, Executive Director The Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment ****************** ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE ON TAX CREDITS: Hi Diane - The Washington Times printed my letter about divorce subsidies today: Don?t create incentives for divorce It is no exaggeration to say that politicians are destroying the foundations of American society. Many people are concerned about our high divorce rate and the large number of children affected by these broken homes. However, only the libertarians seem to have noticed that the government is paying women large subsidies to dump their husbands when the excitement wears off. Now the Republicans are blindly moving to pump up these subsidies. President Bush proposed to double the child-tax credit by 2006, and the congressional Republicans want to do it even faster ("Bush lobbies for quick start in tax-relief plan," March 24). They seem unaware that this credit is available only to custodial mothers, but not to the fathers who are paying child support. This is just one of at least six divorce incentives in the IRS rules, along with numerous other support programs just for mothers. Consequently women initiate about three-quarters of all divorces. Is it any wonder that divorced men's suicide rate is almost ten times that of divorced women? NEIL STEYSKAL Arlington These tax credit would also be available to cus ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee. Please indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- -- From cmfce at his.com Fri Mar 30 16:12:26 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Fri, 30 Mar 2001 16:12:26 -0500 Subject: Med School President Calls U.S. Divorce rate "Horrible" -3/28/01 Message-ID: subject: Med School President Calls U.S. Divorce rate "Horrible" -3/28/01 from: Smart Marriages Marriage & Divorce Column #149 March 28, 2001 Med School President Calls U.S. Divorce Rate "Horrible" by Don Harting I recently returned from Atlanta, Ga. where I attended the second annual conference of the Association of Health Care Journalists. We spent four days across the street from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, listening to top officials tell us about public health problems facing the nation. At one point we heard from Louis Sullivan, M.D., president of the Morehouse School of Medicine, an historically black institution in Atlanta. Dr. Sullivan served four years as secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services in the Bush administration. Dr. Sullivan is a tall, distinguished gentleman with a rich baritone voice. After he finished speaking about ways to reduce racial and ethnic disparities in health care, he took questions from the audience. I was interested in the portion of his address where he spoke about initiatives on behalf of children. He had spoken out for the need to reduce adolescent homicide and suicide, now the second- and third-leading causes of death among children. He also mentioned that family structure can have important effects on child welfare. If you've been reading this column for a while, you know that I'm haunted by the negative effects of divorce upon children. You also know I advocate increased efforts to prevent more divorces from occuring in the first place. So I asked Dr. Sullivan if lowering the divorce rate could be considered a legitimate public health goal and, if so, what the proper role of the federal health establishment might be. Here is Dr. Sullivan's response, condensed from a verbatim transcript posted on the World Wide Web: "Easy question! [Laughs] Well, seriously, yes. There's no question that if we could decrease family disruption, divorce, separation, etc., it would have a major impact. . . . The studies are legion that show that children in single parent families drop out of high school more frequently, engage in violent and disruptive behavior, risk-taking behavior, early sex, smoking, drugs, etc. And all of these do have health consequences, so, clearly, this would be a benefit as well as an economic benefit. "Now, having said that, this is really one of those areas I think most Americans would say they don't want the federal government involved in something that really is interfering with the marriage bond, or the dissolution thereof. This is one of those areas where we need to have more private organizations and individuals involved in working to bring about those changes. "People need to understand that, first of all, the fundamental unit in our society is the family. And our families are in trouble, because as you know, one in every two marriages ends in divorce today. This is a horrible statistic. "Now, sometimes you have a marriage that is so dysfunctional that you have couples who are not getting along, and where there's a lot of conflict, then obviously that's a situation where, unfortunately, divorce would probably be the appropriate thing. We have to get away from the kind of easy marriage, easy divorce syndrome. Raising children is a serious commitment, and we have to understand that actions that adults take do have an impact on their children, and then, by extension, the larger family. "But as to how to do that, I don't think that's a role for the federal government. I do think that's where community organizations, churches and other social groups really have a big challenge." I don't entirely agree with Dr. Sullivan, but that will have to wait for a future column. Meanwhile, to view his remarks in their entirety, set your Web browser to www.kaisernetwork.org. ### Don Harting is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists working from his home near Syracuse. E-mail him at Donharting at aol.com. From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 1 09:50:49 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 09:50:49 -0500 Subject: Announcement from President Bush - Feb 28, 2001 Message-ID: subject: Announcement from President Bush - Feb 28, 2001 from: Smart Marriages ANNOUNCMENT: I am honored to inform you that today, February 28th, President George W. Bush announced his intention to nominate me to be the next Assistant Secretary for the Administration on Children and Families within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. These are exciting times, indeed. Wade Horn Wade Horn, PhD, is president of the National Fatherhood Initiative. He opened last year's Smart Marriages conference with his speech "Fathers Count and Marriage Matters" - (audio and video available - He brought down the house. I encourage you to listen and you'll see why we're celebrating! tape #750 -P1 at 800-241-7785). He will present at the Orlando conference in the Fatherhood Commission Institute on Wednesday and Thursday. - diane ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 1 17:31:11 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 17:31:11 -0500 Subject: Colorado Divorce legislation - 3/1/01 Message-ID: subject: Colorado Divorce legislation - 3/1/01 from: Smart Marriages Here is an article about the Colorado Divorce legislation followed by a copy of the bill. (sorry about the formatting) - diane March 1, 2001 Colorado may mandate one-year divorce counseling Lawmaker's aim is to protect kids By Karen S. Peterson USA TODAY A bill requiring divorcing parents to get a full year of counseling before a divorce is granted will be considered next week by the Colorado legislature. Hearings are scheduled Tuesday on the bill, the latest piece of controversial legislation introduced in state assemblies in the last few years to shore up marriages and reduce divorces. ''We want counseling that will focus on the negative effects on children,'' says Republican state Rep. David Schultheis, the bill's sponsor. ''It is easier to get out of a marriage than a Tupperware contract.'' While many divorce courts do require some brief type of divorce education when children are involved, this is the first legislation that would mandate such intervention statewide and for such an extended period of time, says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. ''This would be landmark legislation.'' The bill does make some exceptions, including exclusions for the physically or psychologically abused. Couples choose their own counselors. There are no provisions for payment. Schultheis expects faith-based organizations to fund the needy, while most couples would foot their own bills. Such counseling could run anywhere from about $40 to $150 an hour, says Don Bloch, past president of the American Family Therapy Academy. Requiring counseling is useful, Bloch says, but the idea of continuing it for a year between two hostile people ''could produce great negativity and not be of any great use to the kids.'' Colorado House Minority Leader Dan Grossman, a Democrat, says the bill is ''pretty likely'' to pass the Republican-controlled House but unlikely to pass the Democratic-controlled Senate. ''This is a dangerous precedent: government intrusion into marriage.'' State legislators ''keep introducing bills to reform divorce laws,'' but most are not successful, says John Crouch, a divorce lawyer who runs Americans for Divorce Reform, which both tracks and advocates change. State legislatures have been modestly successful with ''covenant marriages,'' which make divorce more difficult. Louisiana and Arizona have passed such laws, while bills have been defeated in Texas, Oklahoma, Oregon and Georgia, he says. The governors of Minnesota and Maryland vetoed bills requiring premarital counseling. And in 1998, Florida passed a bill requiring high-schoolers to take relationship courses. HB01-1342 Colorado Legislative Council Staff NO FISCAL IMPACT Drafting Number: Prime Sponsor(s): LLS 01-0872 Rep. Schultheis Date: Bill Status: Fiscal Analyst: February 15, 2001 House State Affairs Janis Baron (303-866-3523) TITLE: CONCERNING A REQUIREMENT THAT PARTIES WITH CHILDREN TO A DOMESTIC RELATIONS PROCEEDING PARTICIPATE IN COUNSELING PRIOR TO THE ENTRY OF THE DECREE. Summary of Assessment The bill requires parties to a domestic relations action, with children or where the wife is pregnant, to receive counseling that focuses on the effects of a legal separation or dissolution of marriage on children. The counseling is required for a minimum of one year prior to the entry of a decree. The bill makes an exception in those cases where physical or serious psychological abuse is a factor, and in those cases in which the respondent is served by publication. The bill includes an effective date of July 1, 2001, and applies to all petitions for dissolution of marriage or legal separation filed on and after that date. The bill may result in fewer legal separations or dissolutions of marriage. The bill will delay case resolution. This delay is not expected to have a significant fiscal impact on the courts'workload. Departments Contacted Judicial --------- A BILL FOR AN ACT Concerning a requirement that parties with children to a domestic relations proceeding participate in counseling prior to the entry of the decree Bill Summary (Note: This summary applies to this bill as introduced and does not necessarily reflect any amendments that may be subsequently adopted.) As a condition precedent to the entry of a decree of legal separation or dissolution of marriage, requires parties with dependent children and parties who are expecting a child to have made a legitimate and substantial effort to participate in counseling that focuses on the impact of divorce on children for a minimum of one year. Makes an exception in those cases in which the court determines that there is demonstrated physical or serious psychological abuse and in those cases in which- service of process was satisfied by publication. Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the State of Colorado: SECTION 2, Article 10 of title 14, Colorado Revised Statutes, is- amended BY THE ADDITION OF A NEW SECTION to read:-- 14-10-120.1. Counseling for parties with children prior to entry- of decree - legislative declaration. The general assembly- hereby finds that children are the innocent victims of legal separation and dissolution of marriage and that, when two parties separate or dissolve their marriage, there is a devastating impact on their children who have had no voice in the decision to disrupt the family. Oftentimes, these "children of divorce" are negatively affected academically, socially, emotionally, and psychologically as a result of the stress and trauma placed on the family by the separation or dissolution process and by the associated discord between their parents occasioned by the process. The general assembly finds that severe emotional trauma to the children can result and have short-term and long-term effects on those children. The general assembly further finds that parents pursuing legal separation or dissolution of marriage may be oblivious to or attempt to deny the harm they cause their children through the separation or dissolution of marriage process. The general assembly hereby finds that counseling may benefit parties considering legal separation or dissolution of marriage, by educating them about the short-term and long-term effects that such a decision may have on their children and by providing them with the tools necessary to avert the ultimate decision to separate or divorce and to keep the family intact. Accordingly, the general assembly hereby determines- and declares that it is in the best interests of the children, families, and citizens of the state of Colorado to require that, in most cases, parties to a legal separation or dissolution of marriage proceeding filed pursuant to this article who have children pursue counseling prior to the court's entry of a decree and that a major portion of such counseling focus on the current and future potential harm to children of separation or dissolution. Except as otherwise provided in paragraph subsection (2), in proceedings pursuant to this article in which there are dependent children of the marriage or in which the wife is pregnant, the court shall refer the parties seeking the separation or dissolution of marriage to counseling of their choice, which counseling shall focus substantially on the potential harm to the children of separation or dissolution of the marriage, if the parties have not already commenced such counseling, until such time as the parties have reconciled or made a legitimate and substantial effort toward counseling for a period of one year following the filing of the petition, whichever occurs first. In the event the parties do not reconcile, the counselor providing such services shall furnish the court with documentation that the parties have participated in such counseling, focused substantially on the potential harm to the children of separation or dissolution of the marriage, for a period of one year or more. Upon review of the counselor's report, the court shall proceed as specified in section 14-10-110. The court shall not require the counseling prescribed- in paragraph of this subsection (2) where: The court determines that one of the parties has- demonstrated physical or serious psychological abuse by the other party; or Service of process was satisfied by publication- pursuant to section 14 107 (4). SECTION 2 14-10-106, Colorado Revised Statutes, is amended to read: 14-10-106. Dissolution of marriage - legal separation. (1) (a) The district court shall enter a decree of dissolution of marriage when: (I) The court finds that one of the parties has been domiciled in this state for ninety days next preceding the commencement of the proceeding; (II) The court finds that the marriage is irretrievably broken; and - (III) The court finds that ninety days or more have elapsed since it acquired jurisdiction over the respondent either as the result of process pursuant to rule 4 of the Colorado rules of civil procedure or as the result of the act of the respondent in joining as copetitioner in the petition or in entering an appearance in any other manner; If there are dependent children of the marriage or if- the wife is pregnant, the court finds that the parties have made a legitimate and substantial effort to participate in counseling for a minimum of one year following the filing of the petition, as- provided in section 14-10-120.1. 14-10-106. Dissolution of marriage - legal separation. (1) (a) The district court shall enter a decree of dissolution of marriage when: (b) In connection with every decree of dissolution of marriage and to the extent of its jurisdiction to do so, the court shall consider, approve, or allocate parental responsibilities with respect to any child of the marriage, the support of any child of the marriage who is entitled to support, the maintenance of either spouse, and the disposition of property; but the entry of a decree with respect to parental responsibilities, support, maintenance, or disposition of property may be deferred by the court until a time subsequent to the decree of dissolution of marriage upon a finding that such deferral is necessary in the best interests of the parties. (2) (a) If a party requests a decree of legal separation rather than a decree of dissolution of marriage, the court shall grant the decree in that form unless the other party objects. In those circumstances in which there are dependent- children of the marriage or in which the wife is pregnant, the court shall not grant a decree of legal separation unless it finds that the parties have made a legitimate and substantial effort to participate in counseling for a minimum of one year following the filing of the petition, as provided in section 14-10-120.1 SECTION 2 14-10-110, Colorado Revised Statutes, is amended- to read: 14-10-110. Irretrievable breakdown. (1) If both of the parties- by petition or otherwise have stated under oath or affirmation that the marriage is irretrievably broken or one of the parties has so stated and the other has not denied it, there is a presumption of such fact, and, unless controverted by evidence, the court shall, after hearing, make a finding- that the marriage is irretrievably broken. (2) If one of the parties has denied under oath or affirmation that the marriage is irretrievably broken, the court shall consider all relevant factors, including, among its utmost considerations, the best- interests of any dependent children of the marriage and circumstances that gave rise to the filing of the petition and the prospect of reconciliation, and shall: (a) Make a finding whether the marriage is irretrievably broken and enter a decree pursuant to section 14-10-106 (b) Continue the matter for further hearing not less than thirty days nor more than sixty days later, or as soon thereafter as the matter may be reached on the court's calendar, and may suggest to the parties that they seek counseling or, in those cases in which the- parties have dependent children of the marriage or in which the wife is pregnant, that they continue counseling pursuant to section 14-10-120.1 .. At the adjourned hearing, the court shall make a- finding whether the marriage is irretrievably broken. SECTION 2 Effective date - applicability. This act shall take- effect July 1, 2001, and shall apply to petitions for dissolution of marriage or legal separation filed on or after said date. SECTION 2 Safety clause. The general assembly hereby finds,- determines, and declares 'that this act is necessary for the immediate preservation of the public peace, health, and safety.'' ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 1 22:39:22 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 22:39:22 -0500 Subject: The Next Great Welfare Debate - Gallagher 2/28/01 Message-ID: subject: The Next Great Welfare Debate - Gallagher 2/28/01 from: Smart Marriages FROM UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 2/28/01 by Maggie Gallagher THE NEXT GREAT WELFARE DEBATE Five years ago, Congress abolished the welfare entitlement and took new steps to move welfare mothers to work. A few weeks ago, experts gathered for a groundbreaking evaluation conference, "The New World of Welfare" (see www.aecf.org). The results have been astonishing: Caseloads have dropped by half, poverty declined, effects on child well-being are mixed but at the very least, as one conference paper put it, "the sky has not fallen," as many predicted. And yet, in another sense, welfare reform has been a failure. In an extraordinary paper, National Fatherhood Initiative president Wade Horn and Urban Institute scholar Isabel Sawhill note that 40 percent of our children still live apart from their fathers; as many as 60 percent will join fatherless households before they turn 18. Five years after welfare reform, a third of our children are born outside of marriage. "By focusing so heavily on moving mothers into the workforce," they remind us, "states have neglected to work on the equally important task of increasing the number of two-parent families." Welcome to the new welfare debate: How can we support not only work, but marriage? In 1965, when Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan's report sounded the alarm about the disintegrating black family, about a quarter of African-American children were born outside of marriage. Today, according to a new Annie E. Casey Foundation report, there are only two states (Utah and Idaho) where less than a quarter of babies are born out of wedlock. In Vermont, for example, where 96 percent of births are to white mothers, the illegitimacy rate jumped from 20 percent in 1990 to 28 percent in 1998. Florida's illegitimacy rate jumped from 32 percent in 1990 to 37 percent in 1998. In New York City, 45 percent of babies are born out of wedlock. Hartford, Conn., tops the list of the worst American city: 80 percent of babies are born to unwed mothers. Connecticut Gov. John Rowland's response to the news was characteristic of the old mind-set that must change. His spokesman told The New York Times: "He's known for some time that Hartford and some other cities in the state lag behind the rest of the country." So what is Gov. Rowland doing about it this problem he's known so long about? Promoting urban renewal, he claimed, and education, and job training to help unwed mothers rise above poverty. Promoting everything, in short, but the thing that is missing: lasting, healthy marriage in low-income communities. In less backward states, leaders aren't waiting for Congress to take action to address this important social problem. Gov. Frank Keating in Oklahoma has laid out an innovative marriage initiative to promote marriage education and reduce marriage penalties in the welfare system. In New Mexico, the Governor's Commission on Marriage and Parenting, under the leadership of state Sen. Mark Boitano, recently released an eight-point marriage support plan, including retraining welfare case workers to deliver marriage education, a media campaign to highlight the benefits of marriage, and a short handbook, "Before you Divorce," to inform parents of the potential adverse economic, health and social impacts of divorce on their children. Dr. Paul Hopkins, president of the New Mexico Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, is one "old-line liberal Democrat" who believes government has a place in promoting marriage. Partly, of course, it's his heartbreaking memories of kids he's worked with, like the little girl "who told me she wished she could cut herself in half, so that part of her could be with Mommy and part with Daddy." To those who would say it's none of the government's business, Dr. Hopkins has this to say: "When we are abandoning our children or restricting their access to education or even food by our foolish choices, somebody has to stick their nose in and say, 'Hey, that isn't right.'" Horn and Sawhill put it this way: "If welfare reform is to deliver on its promise to improve the well-being of children, the next phase of welfare reform must recognize the importance of reducing unmarried childbearing and increasing marriage." (Readers may reach Maggie Gallagher at GallagherIAV(at)Yahoo.com.) ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 3 13:46:45 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 03 Mar 2001 13:46:45 -0500 Subject: Airline/Search Engine/writing opportunity/children of Divorce Message-ID: subject: Airline/Search Engine/writing opportunity/children of Divorce from: Smart Marriages I'm still looking for conference VOLUNTEERS. If you're a student and are interested in attending the conference for $35, email me for details. Also, if any of you have used the Smart Marriages travel company to book your AIRLINE travel to the Orlando Conference, please send me an email and let me know that. I will really appreciate hearing from you on this one. - diane ****************** CHILDREN OF DIVORCE: >By the way, Diane, what is the average number of children per divorce >nowadays? Have you seen such a figure? I recall reading 1.2 children per >divorce, on average, but I can't recall where I read that...Dave Crater, (Colorado legislative staff) Dave here are replies from Mike McManus, president of Marriage Savers - which could help turn the tide in Colorado and at very little cost using mentor couples in congregations and communities (see www.marriagesavers.org) and from Judith Wallerstein - author of "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." - diane Diane, Unfortunately, data is no longer gathered on the number of children affected by divorce. The national collection or non-collection of such data is a scandal. However, the number of children affected by divorce is about 1 million per year of the 1.15 million divorces, making the number of children affected about .9 per divorce, not 1.2 as supposed by your questioner. But that is still about 30 million children impacted over the last 30 years. Mike McManus Diane, Between 50 to 60% of divorces are to couples with children. People forget that. Also the number of children in the family will probably vary regionally. I don't have a national statistic. In our center (N. Calif) the number is 2.2 per children per couple. But there are an increasing number of divorces soon after the birth of the first child. Judy Wallerstein ******************* OUR WEB SITE SEARCH ENGINES: Diane, I can't figure out how to get to the archives of the email messages. It seems you've changed how the search engine works. When I search, I only get articles. Those emails are great for research. Sandra Bender Everyone: There is a new search engine on the home page. It searches the whole site - all the different pages. HOWEVER, to search the archive of the emails sent to the e-newsletter, I still strongly suggest you go to the Archive and use the archive's search engine. I've just added a direct link to the Archive search engine on the Smart Marriages home page. - diane **************** PUTTING WHAT YOU LEARN AT SMART MARRIAGES TO WORK: Dear Diane, My husband and I facilitated our first PREP One Day workshop with 15 couples in attendance. It was very successful. Nine of the couples signed up for an on-going support group! We are planning to do another one in October. Thank you for providing the opportunity for us to take the PREP Training in Colorado last summer - it not only has encouraged us to do this work but has improved our relationship 10 fold. Anne & Bob Welker Note: the PREP training - plus two dozen other trainings will be offered at the Smart Marriages Orlando conference. ____________________ Dear Diane, Just want to send you an update of how it's going: We are successfully using an enhanced C-Prep as our core program, as far as a teaching program goes. We integrate it with other classes and training in emotional regulation (ER) programs not only Stosny's (his is still the best for anger) ... but we are integrating other ER programs for anxiety and depression in that we have found that 30% of the couples coming for pre-marriage are suffering from anxiety, panic attack and or depression. Pre-Marriage Couples must now do 12-20 hours of coaching in which the speaker listener (S/L) technique and core communications are key skills, but then the Parrot's book/work book are used quite successfully as providing real material about which to use the speaker/listener technique. We find people who had little ER could hardly use the S/L. It is fascinating when I teach the time out. I precede it with Stosny's research and that of Daniel Amen. No couple even remotely believes that you can work it out when you are angry. I now have actual Speck Scans of the brain showing (from Amen's clinic) when brain is angry and you can only hurt another loved one. Couples can now see clearly why scientifically "time outs" are absolutely necessary. Escalation must be stopped at all cost. When they see, they believe. It makes the ER work easier, the time out effective and S/L become a power tool for relationship building. I could go on about how we integrate the resources into one gestalt; it is not eclectic but focused constantly on growth, differentiation and commitment to safe and healthy relationship building When we get to the family level we are using the Family Wellness program with extraordinarily rapid results! - nothing like a little structure, lots of respect and putting the parents back in charge to make a family function better; less depression, less add of kids etc. So keep up the great work or keeping us in touch with the best that science and hard empirical trial and error has produced. All truth is from the one Spirit and I celebrate and rejoice in whoever that truth is expressed through. We need all the truth we can get. Young couples are starting to come to join our church because we really make a radical difference in the quality of their relationship right form the first 20-30 minutes of training. They have told me as much; they would tell you that - and most importantly they are telling their friends! Blessings for now; see you in Orlando; looking forward to this years brochures and please SEND SOME INFO ON AUGUSTA, MAINE, IF YOU HAVE ANY MARRIAGE EDUCATOR CONTACTS THERE - need a referral for a couple. Edward Santana-Grace Does anyone have a contact in Agusta Maine? The Revs Edward and Ruth Santana Grace will moderate the Clergy Laity breakfasts on Thurs, Fri and Sat mornings. They have attended the last three Smart Marriages conferences and as you can see they are putting what they've learned to good use. They could run an institute on how to integrate and implement the various Smart Marriages programs in your congregation. Edward presented a keynote on that at the Denver conference. It's a great tape. - diane ************************ WRITING OPPORTUNITY: Date: Fri, 2 Mar 2001 14:03:02 -0500 From: Raeann Hamon Subject: writing opportunity Macmillan Press will be publishing a new International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family Relationships in the near future. As an associate editor, part of my job is to identify scholars to contribute entries on various family concepts. I am still in need of experts in the areas of : Leisure Family power Marital power Rich/wealthy families Grandparents' rights I am also possibly looking for scholars who could assist with these concepts: Intergenerational Relationships Commitment Effects of children's divorce on aging parents Motherhood Marital typologies Loneliness Play Resource Management Widowhood Family Rituals Elders Elder Abuse Division of labor Death and Dying Discipline Communes/Intentional Communities Chronic Illness If you are interested and/or would like to learn more, please send me a private e-mail at rhamon at messiah.edu and attach a copy of your vita. Thank you. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 5 14:13:31 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 05 Mar 2001 14:13:31 -0500 Subject: More than a prom, less than a promise - school marriaged ed 3/01 Message-ID: subject: More than a prom, less than a promise - school marriage ed 3/01 from: Smart Marriages In regards to the article below: It's amazing to see how confused these issues can become. For the record, the marriage education curricula that the Coalition endorses - and that Florida mandated - do NOT focus on education about the wedding! This article will have readers thinking that marriage education equals wedding education. auuuugh. I told this reporter that focusing on the wedding is a big part of the problem - that's what couples - and clergy - do now. Which is why couples are so unprepared for life AFTER the wedding. The focus needs to be shifted from preparing for the wedding day to preparing for - and educating couples about - life-long marriage. The CONNECTIONS program mentioned in the story focuses on the marriage - with only a brief exercise on a classroom wedding ceremony - the wedding is a very small part of the curricula with heavy emphasis on how to make real-life marriage work with all its expected challenges. I apologize for the trite comparison in my quote - "to become masters of marriage, like becoming masters of tennis". It was lifted from a long interview with the point being made that we understand that through education and training we can improve our odds at other things like parenting, driving, health, work skills, algebra, tennis - and now we know HOW to help kids learn how to improve their odds at marriage. Please visit www.smartmarriages.com and click on SCHOOL/YOUTH CURRICULA for the directory of youth marriage ed programs - including: CONNECTIONS, PEERS, PARTNERS, BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS, LOVING WELL, RELATIONSHIP INTELLIGENCE AND EQ. None of which focus on weddings! You'll also find articles and links to their web sites and sample curricula. The free course for teachers referred to in the article below is the all-day training institute at the annual Smart Marriages conference which presents an overview of all the above mentioned programs. It will be on Monday, June 25, in Orlando. There is also a 2-day training institute presented by Lori Gordon on the PEERS program - which she adapted from her PAIRS program for adults. PEERS is being taught in Boys and Girls Clubs, church youth groups and in middle and high schools. In the 2-day institute you'll be certified to teach the program and receive the materials. - diane sollee News MORE THAN A PROM, LESS THAN A PROMISE - High school students get an education in marriage JENNIFER DEL MEDICO 03/04/2001 The Star-Ledger Newark, NJ (c) 2001. The Star-Ledger. All rights reserved. On the first Friday in May, Gail Bignell's sociology class will meet at the Butler United Methodist Church; the girls will be in flowing white gowns and the boys in rented tuxedos. Everything about their weddings will be lifelike, except for the licenses. For weeks these Butler High School students have planned everything, down to the favors on the reception tables. They have consulted a wedding planner, sent out invitations, baked three-tier cakes and created their vows with a minister's guidance. Guests will pack the pews as the high school seniors walk away from the altar with rings on their fingers. "I've had fathers crying, they get hysterical watching their daughters walk down the aisle," said Bignell, who has been conducting mock weddings for more than a decade. "I've had two grooms pass out." At public high schools from Bridgewater to Franklinville, teens are learning the virtues of saying "I do" in the name of honing relationship-building skills, although not all go to the lengths that they do in Butler. Some educators say the number of divorced families has made these marriage education classes a necessity - a means to give students the tools to create successful unions later in life. But others are skeptical. They argue that schools have no business wasting valuable class time on practice nuptials and say they should get out of the marriage education business. "It's not the job of schools to teach kids how to walk down the aisle," said Diane Ravitch, an education professor at New York University. "Schools are supposed to prepare students for higher education and a tough workplace. If this wasn't offered at school, do you think kids wouldn't know to wear white at their weddings?" At Butler High School, the ceremony, which has taken on a prom-like status, is the reward for months spent sharpening communication skills through discussion and role-playing, Bignell said. The brides usually borrow their gowns from relatives or a stash of dresses Bignell keeps, while the grooms rent their tuxedos for $10 from a local shop owner who was once a student in her class. "You have to live under a rock in this day and age not to know this is subject that needs to be talked about," Bignell said. "Chances are they are all going to do this at least once. I hope they leave (the mock ceremony) with a better understanding about making adult decisions and how serious this step is." On her older sister's recommendation, Alyson Puzino signed up for Bignell's class to get a crack at "rehearsing the whole marriage before the real thing." "The feeling of walking down the aisle, it's going to be scary," said Puzino, 17, who is "marrying" her best male friend since fifth grade. "I'll probably be a little bit nervous." Although no data exist on how many schools or districts offer marriage education, New Jersey is one of seven states where programs are prevalent, according to a recent report from the Institute for American Values, a New York- based, nonpartisan organization that promotes family well-being. While New Jersey requires public schools to teach about relationships and marriage, the method - as well as the amount - of instruction is left up to the district, said Rich Vespucci, a state Department of Education spokesman. While most of these programs, including Bignell's, have been developed by the districts, several publishers have recently begun marketing their own marriage-based materials. WHOSE VALUES? Some critics question whose values are being taught in these classes, and worry that these programs promote traditional, sexist stereotypes and a narrow view of relationship possibilities. "There may be gay and lesbian students, so are they going to discuss gay and lesbian partnerships?" said Catherine Lugg, an assistant professor of education at Rutgers University. "If not, it could be profoundly alienating. Teaching about adult relationships is perfectly legitimate. But having kids plan their weddings? No." Butler's practice of holding a public school class in a religious building potentially raises separation of church and state issues, said Deborah Jacobs, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union in New Jersey. She said, however, the organization would only investigate if someone in the district complained, which hasn't happened. At Bridgewater-Raritan High School, couples in some health classes are assigned to plan weddings - including getting prices from local businesses - but stop short of actually walking down the aisle. "We try to include every kind of item they might experience as far as cost is concerned," said teacher Patricia Cherego. "I think it gets them to understand it's not just we fall in love, we get married and live happily ever after. A lot of them don't realize all of the costs that are involved." Both supporters and critics of marriage education say it is just another sign that teaching values is increasingly becoming the domain of public schools. "In an ideal world this would be taught by mom and dad," said Kay Reed, president of the Dibble Fund for Marriage Education, a nonprofit organization in California that publishes a popular marriage curriculum called Connections. "Churches can take up some of the slack, but not all kids go to church." 'MARRIAGE MOVEMENT' A loosely organized coalition of academics, therapists and activists - known collectively as the "marriage movement" - has been making a national push to get these programs into schools. Its first victory came in 1998 when Florida became the first and only state to pass legislation requiring marriage and relationship education to be taught to all public school children. "Schools are an obvious choice," said Diane Sollee, a therapist and founder of the Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couples Education, which is associated with the marriage movement. "The kids need to get the message that they can change their odds and they can be masters of marriage, like they can become masters of tennis." Besides getting programs into schools, Sollee said, it is important to get the right kind of curricula into the hands of teachers. "The classes that focus on the wedding are well intentioned, but they are so missing the mark," said Sollee, who holds a free workshop each year for teachers. Connections, a program used in 45 states, including a handful of New Jersey schools, uses a no-frills mock wedding as a hook to get kids interested, said Robin Thornton, a health teacher at Monmouth Regional High School in Tinton Falls. In Connections, students partner up, plan a wedding and submit a detailed budget for their wedding and day-to-day life. Then they must cope with an assigned "disaster" - from the wife gaining weight to the death of a spouse. In the spirit of partnership, each couple receives the same grade on homework and tests. "I think they are getting a real touch of reality on life here," said Thornton, who has taught the 15-lesson program to about 200 students. "At the end they have to evaluate the marriage and they are amazed that everything is a compromise." And students get excited about the class, she said. "It gets through more than a normal health class that you sleep through," said Vanessa Scavone, 17, who recently completed Thornton's class. "Me and my partner had to plan a budget and we got five kids." As programs like Connections gain steam in some districts, they have disappeared from others. A wedding ceremony simulation was stopped at Hopatcong High School about four years ago because only girls were signing up for the class, said consumer science teacher Wendy Wyman. "For girls, it's the most important day of your life, so why not have a dry run," said Wyman, who still believes in the program. "Guys weren't totally thrilled with it, but when you pinned them down, they would do it. They all met at the mall and picked out their engagement rings." At Butler High School, the honeymoon doesn't last long. Just weeks after the wedding and subsequent lessons on parenting, the class tackles splitting up with the advice of a divorce lawyer. 1. Butler High School seniors Alyson Puzino and Pete Bleighier, front, and Stephanie Hastings and Shane Kelsey practice their mock wedding ceremony as sociology teacher Gail Bignell observes. The couples "marry" in May. 2. Gail Bignell has been conducting mock ceremonies for more than a decade. 3. Butler High School girls from the class of 2000 prepare to throw bouquets. Critics question the values that are being taught in these programs. 4. Tim DePuyt and Kristina Schmidt take part in a mock ceremony in 1990. They later wed for real. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 5 14:58:44 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 05 Mar 2001 14:58:44 -0500 Subject: Ann Landers & Norway's Royal Pair: Signs of the Times - 3/5/01 Message-ID: subject: Ann Landers & Norway's Royal Pair: Signs of the Times - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Brief marriage seems sign of times March 02, 2001 DEAR ANN LANDERS: Please advise your readers before they send a wedding gift to check and make sure the couple is still married. I wish I had. "Mary" and "Jerry" were high-school sweethearts. They went together five years before they married. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. The wedding was one of the most beautiful this town has ever seen - bridesmaids, ushers, a flower-laden canopy, a string quartet, a harp - the whole nine yards. I spent a lot more on my dress and the gift than I had a right to, but I was so sure the relationship was rock-solid and that this would be the social event of the year, I went all out. I sent the gift 10 days after the wedding. Guess what? Five weeks after the extravaganza, the couple split. They were divorced the following month. No wedding gifts were returned. What do you think of this, Ann Landers? - Skunked Somewhere East of the Rockies DEAR SKUNKED: Back in 1993, the Bureau of the Census predicted that four out of 10 first marriages would end in divorce. Many couples split up within the first two years of marriage, although a growing number of divorces are occurring among the elderly. A recent issue of a magazine featured on its cover a photo of actress Courtney Thorne-Smith, radiant and smiling, wearing her elegant bridal gown. There was a six-page spread with Courtney's firsthand account of how she was planning her wedding. Seven months later, the couple separated. Is this a sign of the times? I'm afraid the answer is yes. ****************** Norway's Thoroughly Modern Royal Pair March 5, 2001 By WARREN HOGE OSLO ? With a free Saturday on his hands and a new downtown apartment to fill, the affable 27-year-old man known simply as Haakon put on jeans, sweater and sneakers, bundled himself against the Nordic winter in a gray duffel coat and went to check out some sounds in a record store and shop at discount houses. Hours later, he returned home with his purchases and was greeted by his lover, Mette-Marit Tjessem Hoiby, 27, and her 3-year-old son, Marius. So far, this is nothing out of the ordinary for Oslo, where even the most urbane people dress informally, more than half of children are born out of wedlock and cohabiting is common. But just how common this particular pair are permitted to be has become a test for the famously tolerant Norwegians. Haakon is the country's hereditary prince, a man who one day will quite likely have to trade his earphones for a king's crown. And Ms. Tjessem Hoiby is the woman he intends to make his future queen in a grand cathedral marriage this summer even though her son's father is a convicted cocaine supplier and she had a well-known past in Oslo's dance-and-drugs house party scene. "They are taking on a difficult project that will require sacrifices," wrote Knut Haavik, the editor of Se og Hor (See and Hear), a celebrity magazine that has devoted acres of space to the tantalizing subject. "One cannot arrange a royal wedding with a thousand guests, then go to a house party afterward. "If the young members of the royal family behave like us normal folk, then we don't need them. But if they are willing to take the challenge that the role demands, I assume that the people will give them all the support and warmth they need." The Norwegian monarchy is not the fairy-tale kind, and Norwegians like it that way. The country abolished its aristocracy in the 19th century, and there are no pampered dukes and duchesses to throw tabloid tantrums. Each morning's changing of the guard is more a tin soldier affair than plumed-hat pageantry, and it takes place in public gardens before the unadorned brick and plaster royal palace while office workers hurry past, not noticing. Haakon is a direct descendant of Queen Victoria, but he was educated in public schools and did his higher education not at Balliol College, Oxford, as did his father, King Harald V, and grandfather, Olav V, but at the University of California, Berkeley, where he publicly reveled in a society markedly more diverse than those in Scandinavia. Some Norwegians wonder if the modern-minded heir even favors maintaining the monarchy. A princely smile of recognition greeted mention of this notion during a conversation in Haakon's palace office. His suite, as understated as he is, sits off a white columned hall at the top of a grand staircase leading to the balcony where the family officially surveys the realm on festive days. "Well, first of all, if I can say a little bit about me being a monarchist, the thing is, I see it from the other side," he said. "I really don't have to argue for or against; that's sort of up to the Norwegian people." When he realized his love and his duty might be on a collision course, he contemplated renouncing his claim to the throne, but quickly decided against it. "I think actually it's a good thing that one tries to reflect over the different consequences of your possibilities," he said. "But I think this is where I'm supposed to be." He said his family had been "fantastic from the start." "I talked to them a lot about this in the beginning before it was known in the press," he added, "and then I decided to speak out about these issues myself instead of all these rumors going around. What I said basically was, you know, we as people go through different stages, and that's how it is with my girlfriend, as it is with myself and probably anyone else. And we change with time." The support of his father may be owed to experience. Harald spent 10 years trying to persuade his own father, Olav V, to approve his marriage to his commoner childhood sweetheart, a shopkeeper's daughter who is the present Queen Sonja. And in 1994 he had to intervene when his own daughter, Princess Martha Louise, now 29, was cited as a co- respondent in a divorce proceeding in England where she had been training in riding competitions. Harald cited royal prerogative, and that was the end of that. Opinion polls show that the popularity the royal family has long enjoyed with Norway's four million citizens remains as high as ever since announcement of the engagement in December. "What he lost in respectability of older people, he gained in respectability from younger people," said Lars Roar Langslet, 65, a former culture minister and biographer of King Olav. Trond Nordby, 57, a professor of political science at the University of Oslo known for his antimonarchist views, said, "Some younger people think Haakon is like a rock star." The prince once took a course in which the professor spelled out his argument against the monarchy, and had come to see Mr. Nordby afterward to debate the points. One of Haakon's young admirers, Ine Marie Eriksen, 24, a law student from Tromso who is leader of the Young Conservatives, said: "Why should they have to live by the rules of the 18th century? That would take away the very thing that the Norwegian people like about our monarchy." Norway had a long royal pedigree, but it died out during 500 years of Danish and Swedish rule. The current monarchy began only in 1905 when Norway gained complete independence from Sweden, and it is consequently deeply associated with the country's sense of its own nationhood. There have been only three kings ? Haakon VII (1905-1957), Olav V (1957-1991) and the current monarch, Harald V, who is 63 ? and all have been sovereigns with the common touch that appeals to Norwegians. Haakon VII earned their admiration by refusing to give in to Nazi occupiers and taking the royal family into exile in London. His English wife, Queen Maud, was the daughter of Edward VII, and Norwegians recount with delight a well-known story of the reception Haakon VII received when he showed up at the BBC in London to make a wartime broadcast. "Sorry, dear," the harassed receptionist is said to have asked him, "where did you say you were king of?" During the oil crisis of 1973, Olav endeared himself to his countrymen by abandoning his car and driver one day and taking a seat on the public tram. Asked by a reporter if he was not concerned for his safety, he said, "No, I have no fear, not with four million bodyguards." Every year a motion to install a republic is routinely put forward in Parliament and just as routinely rejected. Mr. Langslet recalled that in the 1980's a leader of the Socialist Left party lamented, "Even if Norway had a president, Norwegians would go out and vote for the king." Asked what he had studied in his three years at Berkeley, Haakon listed international relations, economics, third-world development, international law and a course on the European Union. The last was an intriguing choice, because Norway has chosen to stay out of the group. "I think that the monarchy can stand for certain values in society ? one being respect for human dignity, the others being tolerance and environmental issues," he said. "I think we can say something about international solidarity. These are bipartisan issues." Haakon has been criticized by bishops of the official Lutheran Church for his current living arrangements and his outspoken support for homosexual rights; the church, which he may one day head as king, has barred the ordination of homosexual clerics. "When it comes to what I said about tolerance, women's issues and rights for homosexuals of both genders, I was saying that on the basis of civil society," he explained. "I didn't go into the ongoing discussion in the Norwegian church because that's a matter I shouldn't have an opinion on." He said he valued his freedom to walk around Oslo in relative anonymity and had never thought of donning a disguise. "Oh, no, I think that would be embarrassing if I were found out," he said. At least two security people trail him discreetly; the age of innocence for major Scandinavian figures mixing in public came to a violent end in 1986 when Prime Minister Olof Palme of Sweden was assassinated by a gunman on a Stockholm street as he was walking home from the movies with his wife. Haakon and Ms. Tjessem Hoiby are going to be married Aug. 25 in the Domkirken, Oslo's cathedral, and while things will be celebratory, it will be in the plain Scandinavian manner. Waves from the balcony, yes; gilded coaches, no. "We don't have a tradition for carriage rides here," he said. "Cars will have to do." The Norwegian Constitution now permits women to ascend to the throne so the couple's first-born child will be the heir apparent. As for her son, Haakon said, "Marius will be a full-fledged member of our family, but he will not get a title, unless my father decides to give him one, and I don't think that's very likely." Ms. Tjessem Hoiby is auditing lectures on ethics at the university but is evidently taking on a full course load with the royal household. "Because of the marriage coming up and her new role in life" Haakon said, "there's quite a lot of time she needs to spend on getting to know the palace and the way we operate here." And what about him? Did he imagine he could maintain his informal private life when he becomes king? Haakon sighed at the thought. "Let's say you might see me less in record stores 20 years from now," he said. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 6 10:48:39 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 06 Mar 2001 10:48:39 -0500 Subject: Marriage bonus for welfare? - Colorado: 3/5/01 Message-ID: subject: Marriage bonus for welfare? - Colorado: 3/5/01 from: Smart Marriages > The legislature should welcome opportunities to expand county options. One > such is contained in House Bill 1338, which the House approved last week. It > gives counties authority to pay a one-time bonus to welfare clients who > marry. Rocky Mountain News March 5, 2001 Marriage bonus for welfare? Prophets of doom foretold dire events if Colorado delegated the job of distributing welfare-reform money to the counties. Four years later, it's looking more and more like one of the smartest things the state could have done. A recent report by the National Campaign for Jobs and Income Support, an anti-poverty group, singled out Colorado, along with Maine and Rhode Island, as the only three states that are spending more to alleviate poverty now than they were in 1994. Not that we're usually eager to praise governments for spending more, but the money is available from the federal government as part of its commitment to making welfare reform work. Why shouldn't it be spent to help Colorado families move toward self-sufficiency? And last year it was spent -- $126 million in funds from the program Temporary Assistance to Needy Families -- not only on cash benefits that the counties administer but on ways to support former welfare families who are making the transition to work. "Colorado let the counties fashion the programs and they've done a marvelous job of finding creative uses for the money," said Liz McDonough of the state's Human Services Department. >From child care to auto repair, counties have tried a great variety of programs. Denver is considering an earned-income tax credit at the county level. The most effective strategies can be quickly adopted elsewhere, so counties have the opportunity to learn from each others' experience. The legislature should welcome opportunities to expand county options. One such is contained in House Bill 1338, which the House approved last week. It gives counties authority to pay a one-time bonus to welfare clients who marry. Is that a good idea? Frankly, we don't know, and so we'd hesitate to support a state mandate. But we do agree it would be a good idea to find out. Let the counties who believe it would be helpful try it. The rationale is that when a participant in the Colorado Works program marries, the incomes of both spouses are counted in determining eligibility, which can mean that benefits are cut. Sometimes that's appropriate, if the couple now has two incomes instead of one and one apartment instead of two. In other cases, say where people are already living together and sharing expenses, marriage may cost them benefits even though it doesn't change their financial situation. Obviously that's a disincentive to marry. And since children are generally better off in two-parent families, discouraging marriage often works to children's disadvantage. But would a one-time payment overcome that disincentive? And if so, how much should it be? During debate, legislators mentioned numbers like $500 or $1,000. On the other hand, could the bonus money tempt people to get married who probably shouldn't and otherwise wouldn't? Experience can answer questions like these, and the counties can provide experience. We hope the Senate agrees. March 5, 2001 2001 ? The E.W. Scripps Co. Privacy Policy and User Agreement Questions? Comments? Talk to Us. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Wed Mar 7 19:19:11 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Wed, 07 Mar 2001 19:19:11 -0500 Subject: Richmond/Getaways!/Parrotts - When Bad Things Happen/schools/New York Message-ID: subject: Richmond/Getaways!/Parrott's new book/schools/New York support ATTENTION RICHMOND: March 15th!! The Marriage Builders Alliance of Richmond is holding a breakfast forum "Building Successful Marriages" March 15, on how to develop a basic yet proven model for training Marriage Mentors in congregations. As they say in the brochure, Marriage Mentors in your church same you time and effort and they are EFFECTIVE! Check their web site www.MarriageBuildersAlliance.org for additional programs including a PREP: Lasting Promise workshop and a FOCCUS/REFOCCUS training. Call 804-282-9763 for information. ********* MARRIAGE GETAWAYS: PAIRS residential workshop in beautiful British Columbia!! If you Really loved me: Residential workshop, August 26-31, scenic resort in >British Columbia. Cost $695pp (Canadian dollars - great exchange rate for U.S.) includes room and board! This 5-day experiential PAIRS workshop will enable you to learn a full range of skills, attitudes and beliefs that are critical to nurturing and sustaining love relationships. For couples at any stage of relationship. Taught by Michele and Bud Baldwin, Master PAIRS teachers. For info 312-337-0506 or MABaldwin at aol.com _______________ CANCUN Marriage Workshop: August 25 - Sept 2, 2001 - Spend a week enriching your marriage at this tropical resort. There is still availability in the Cancun Marriage Enrichment workshop. Information available on the web site http://www.ameritech.net/users/leroy/marriage_enrichment_cancun.htm or at leroy at ameritech.net. ******************** PARROTTS LATEST BOOK: Les and Leslie Parrott will present several sessions at the Smart Marriages conference in Orlando - one a seminar on their latest book, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages (Zondervan/HarperCollins). They'll also be part of the session that will update us on the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative - the Parrotts are the Marriage Ambassadors in Oklahoma - appointed by Oklahoma Governor Frank Keating last year. Here's info on the book which you can order on the Smart Marriages website - just click on Books by the Experts on the home page. Every good marriage eventually bumps into bad things: Sexual disapointment. Financial debt. Communication meltdowns. Problems with anger. Infertility. Addictions. The list goes on. Whether is it the subtle saboteurs of business, boredom and irritability, or the atomic bombs of infidelity, depression or loss, the Parrotts show you how to stay together when life tries to pull you apart. Why is this so important? Because every couple starts out smoothly on the path of love and eventually stubs their toes on something they didn't expect. . Read the first chapter and share YOUR marriage success stories at: www.WhenBadThingsHappen.com ****************** SCHOOL PROGRAMS COMMENT: Diane: I want to comment on the content of the article on the school programs in NJ. At best, I found the article disjointed but interesting. Poor aspects concerned Prof. Ravitch's opinion about teaching ceremony which missed the point re. marriage as culture--and failed marriage as disrupted culture. Regarding instructor Lugg's gender comments, she is referring to 2-3% of the adolescent population, whereas most high school students eventually will join the 60 million married couples who reflect the practices of the vast majority (120 million persons) in the US adult population. The advice by Lugg that lesbian and gay individuals might be offended to hear lectures about marriage is tantamount to walkers being offended because high schools provide drivers ed. programs. Best and see you in Orlando, Jim McMahon James McMahon PsyD, PhD, Pres. MATES Foundation ****************** ************************** Marriage & Divorce Column #146 March 7, 2001 Surprised by Joy by Don Harting A couple of weeks ago I used this column to express outrage. This week I'd like to express joy. For someone more accustomed to being angry than happy, this is a change. Please bear with me. The stimulus for the angry column was a state employee in Albany who could not see any connection between the institution of marriage and child welfare. The stimulus for this column is the upcoming national conference for people who can. The wonderful program for the fifth annual Smart Marriages conference just arrived in the mail. Diane Sollee, a fellow adult child of divorced parents from Washington, D.C., has put together an all-star cast of political and academic heavy weights to speak about how we can improve child welfare by strengthening the institution of marriage. Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, the president's brother, appears at the top of the marquee. I realize he's a Republican and that may turn some people off, but it's really cool that the governor of a major state like Florida is part of the marriage movement. Bush will speak during the opening plenary on June 21 about fatherhood, marriage, families and children. He could speak vague platitudes and I'd still be happy. He's giving the movement credibility just by showing up. The next day, Judith Wallerstein will speak. Wallerstein, a best-selling author who holds a doctorate in psychology, has become famous for her research on the long-term effects of divorce upon a small group of families in California. Her work is widely read among social workers, including my wife. Later that day Linda Waite, who teaches sociology at the University of Chicago, will explain how bad marriages can get better. Waite is making a name for herself on the talk-show circuit with her new book, "The Case for Marriage." She will be joined on the podium by Scott Stanley, a professor at the University of Colorado who studies divorce prevention using money from the National Institute of Mental Health. John Gray, author of the best-selling book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," will speak during the banquet on Friday, June 22. Saturday will be devoted to workshops teaching how to strengthen marriages at the local level. Two judges who lead the marriage movement in Michigan will share success stories. Why is this conference such great news? Because people in power are waking up to the damage divorce is doing to our society and they're taking steps to prevent it. The voices of children from America's millions of divorced homes are finally being heard. If the marriage movement continues, hundreds of thousands of children will be protected from heartache, including thousands here in upstate New York. A small but growing number of upstate New Yorkers have joined the Smart Marriages coalition. They include Jim and Jeanne Caverly of Ballston Lake, Rudy and Faith Buettner of North Chili, Betsy and Farley Jones of East Greenbush, Susan Daniels of Watertown, Patricia Ennis of Syracuse and Phyllis Gossard of Saratoga Springs. We have all attended a conference at least once. Farley Jones, for example, is a personal injury lawyer whose wife, a psychiatric nurse who does marriage counseling, convinced him to go last summer. "It's an excellent program," Jones said. "The whole institution of marriage needs to be upheld and promoted and strengthened." As someone who has endured parental divorce for more than 30 years, I have one word to say: Hallelujah! ### Don Harting is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists working from his home near Syracuse. E-mail him at Donharting at aol.com. "Marriage & Divorce" covers the institution of marriage from an upstate New York perspective. Content is similar to a newspaper column by the same name published by daily newspapers serving Auburn, Gloversville, Oneida and Plattsburgh. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by the author. Copyright ? 2001 Mustard Seed Communications. All rights reserved. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 8 08:28:10 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 08 Mar 2001 08:28:10 -0500 Subject: Dutch Offer Winning Formula to Cut Teenage Pregnancies -3/01 Message-ID: subject: Dutch Offer Winning Formula to Cut Teenage Pregnancies -3/01 from: Smart Marriages Friday March 2 11:44 AM ET Dutch Offer Winning Formula to Cut Teenage Pregnancies By Patricia Reaney LONDON (Reuters) - Sex education, free contraceptives and liberal attitudes toward sex are among the best ways to reduce soaring teenage pregnancy rates, a Dutch researcher said Friday. The Dutch should know. The tiny country better known for its cheese, windmills and canals has fewer pregnant teenagers than most Western countries. Less than one percent, or 10 per 1,000, 15-17 year-olds in the Netherlands get pregnant each year, compared to nearly five percent in Britain, which has the highest rate in Western Europe, and 99 per 1,000 in the United States. ``Teenage pregnancy seems virtually eliminated as a health and social problem in the Netherlands,'' Dr. Simone Buitendijk, of the Dutch Institute for Applied Scientific Research in Leiden, told Reuters. The Dutch have seen a steady drop in the number of young mothers for decades as teen pregnancies have been increasing in other countries. In the early 1970s four percent of live births in the Netherlands were to teenagers. By the late 1990s the figure had dropped to one percent. ``It's due to a whole mix of things. It is very hard to pinpoint what the major factor is. The liberal attitude is probably one very important determinant,'' she added in a telephone interview. Better Knowlege Of The Birds And Bees While other countries have been expounding the joys of no sex, the Dutch have accepted that teens are sexually active and have introduced measures to deal with it. ``In Holland teens know about sexuality and about procreation, how it works and what you should do not to become pregnant. Their peers know and it is a very socially acceptable thing to prevent pregnancy,'' she added. Birth control pills are available at pharmacies and free through a National Sick Fund, a state-funded system that ensures low income people have medical care, and statistics show that Dutch teenagers are using them. In 1995, 70 percent of sexually active 18 year-olds were on the pill and 40 percent of students three or four years younger. Eighty-five percent of teens used a condom, the pill or both during their first sexual experience. Buitendijk, who will present the Dutch data at a meeting on child health in London, said condoms are popular among young teenagers but the pill gains preference as they get older. ``Factors that positively influence contraceptive behavior in Dutch teenagers are their sufficient knowledge of reproduction and contraception, the large amount of information available to them both in school and informally and the general permissive attitude the Dutch hold toward teen sexuality,'' she said. Proof that birth control is the key is supported by a drop in teenage abortions in the Netherlands but an increase in sexual activity. So more teens are having sex but fewer are getting pregnant or having abortions. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Fri Mar 9 09:58:32 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Fri, 09 Mar 2001 09:58:32 -0500 Subject: Ann Landers & Norway's Royal Pair: Signs of the Times - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Ann Landers & Norway's Royal Pair: Signs of the Times - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Brief marriage seems sign of times March 02, 2001 DEAR ANN LANDERS: Please advise your readers before they send a wedding gift to check and make sure the couple is still married. I wish I had. "Mary" and "Jerry" were high-school sweethearts. They went together five years before they married. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. The wedding was one of the most beautiful this town has ever seen - bridesmaids, ushers, a flower-laden canopy, a string quartet, a harp - the whole nine yards. I spent a lot more on my dress and the gift than I had a right to, but I was so sure the relationship was rock-solid and that this would be the social event of the year, I went all out. I sent the gift 10 days after the wedding. Guess what? Five weeks after the extravaganza, the couple split. They were divorced the following month. No wedding gifts were returned. What do you think of this, Ann Landers? - Skunked Somewhere East of the Rockies DEAR SKUNKED: Back in 1993, the Bureau of the Census predicted that four out of 10 first marriages would end in divorce. Many couples split up within the first two years of marriage, although a growing number of divorces are occurring among the elderly. A recent issue of a magazine featured on its cover a photo of actress Courtney Thorne-Smith, radiant and smiling, wearing her elegant bridal gown. There was a six-page spread with Courtney's firsthand account of how she was planning her wedding. Seven months later, the couple separated. Is this a sign of the times? I'm afraid the answer is yes. ****************** Norway's Thoroughly Modern Royal Pair March 5, 2001 By WARREN HOGE OSLO ? With a free Saturday on his hands and a new downtown apartment to fill, the affable 27-year-old man known simply as Haakon put on jeans, sweater and sneakers, bundled himself against the Nordic winter in a gray duffel coat and went to check out some sounds in a record store and shop at discount houses. Hours later, he returned home with his purchases and was greeted by his lover, Mette-Marit Tjessem Hoiby, 27, and her 3-year-old son, Marius. So far, this is nothing out of the ordinary for Oslo, where even the most urbane people dress informally, more than half of children are born out of wedlock and cohabiting is common. But just how common this particular pair are permitted to be has become a test for the famously tolerant Norwegians. Haakon is the country's hereditary prince, a man who one day will quite likely have to trade his earphones for a king's crown. And Ms. Tjessem Hoiby is the woman he intends to make his future queen in a grand cathedral marriage this summer even though her son's father is a convicted cocaine supplier and she had a well-known past in Oslo's dance-and-drugs house party scene. "They are taking on a difficult project that will require sacrifices," wrote Knut Haavik, the editor of Se og Hor (See and Hear), a celebrity magazine that has devoted acres of space to the tantalizing subject. "One cannot arrange a royal wedding with a thousand guests, then go to a house party afterward. "If the young members of the royal family behave like us normal folk, then we don't need them. But if they are willing to take the challenge that the role demands, I assume that the people will give them all the support and warmth they need." The Norwegian monarchy is not the fairy-tale kind, and Norwegians like it that way. The country abolished its aristocracy in the 19th century, and there are no pampered dukes and duchesses to throw tabloid tantrums. Each morning's changing of the guard is more a tin soldier affair than plumed-hat pageantry, and it takes place in public gardens before the unadorned brick and plaster royal palace while office workers hurry past, not noticing. Haakon is a direct descendant of Queen Victoria, but he was educated in public schools and did his higher education not at Balliol College, Oxford, as did his father, King Harald V, and grandfather, Olav V, but at the University of California, Berkeley, where he publicly reveled in a society markedly more diverse than those in Scandinavia. Some Norwegians wonder if the modern-minded heir even favors maintaining the monarchy. A princely smile of recognition greeted mention of this notion during a conversation in Haakon's palace office. His suite, as understated as he is, sits off a white columned hall at the top of a grand staircase leading to the balcony where the family officially surveys the realm on festive days. "Well, first of all, if I can say a little bit about me being a monarchist, the thing is, I see it from the other side," he said. "I really don't have to argue for or against; that's sort of up to the Norwegian people." When he realized his love and his duty might be on a collision course, he contemplated renouncing his claim to the throne, but quickly decided against it. "I think actually it's a good thing that one tries to reflect over the different consequences of your possibilities," he said. "But I think this is where I'm supposed to be." He said his family had been "fantastic from the start." "I talked to them a lot about this in the beginning before it was known in the press," he added, "and then I decided to speak out about these issues myself instead of all these rumors going around. What I said basically was, you know, we as people go through different stages, and that's how it is with my girlfriend, as it is with myself and probably anyone else. And we change with time." The support of his father may be owed to experience. Harald spent 10 years trying to persuade his own father, Olav V, to approve his marriage to his commoner childhood sweetheart, a shopkeeper's daughter who is the present Queen Sonja. And in 1994 he had to intervene when his own daughter, Princess Martha Louise, now 29, was cited as a co- respondent in a divorce proceeding in England where she had been training in riding competitions. Harald cited royal prerogative, and that was the end of that. Opinion polls show that the popularity the royal family has long enjoyed with Norway's four million citizens remains as high as ever since announcement of the engagement in December. "What he lost in respectability of older people, he gained in respectability from younger people," said Lars Roar Langslet, 65, a former culture minister and biographer of King Olav. Trond Nordby, 57, a professor of political science at the University of Oslo known for his antimonarchist views, said, "Some younger people think Haakon is like a rock star." The prince once took a course in which the professor spelled out his argument against the monarchy, and had come to see Mr. Nordby afterward to debate the points. One of Haakon's young admirers, Ine Marie Eriksen, 24, a law student from Tromso who is leader of the Young Conservatives, said: "Why should they have to live by the rules of the 18th century? That would take away the very thing that the Norwegian people like about our monarchy." Norway had a long royal pedigree, but it died out during 500 years of Danish and Swedish rule. The current monarchy began only in 1905 when Norway gained complete independence from Sweden, and it is consequently deeply associated with the country's sense of its own nationhood. There have been only three kings ? Haakon VII (1905-1957), Olav V (1957-1991) and the current monarch, Harald V, who is 63 ? and all have been sovereigns with the common touch that appeals to Norwegians. Haakon VII earned their admiration by refusing to give in to Nazi occupiers and taking the royal family into exile in London. His English wife, Queen Maud, was the daughter of Edward VII, and Norwegians recount with delight a well-known story of the reception Haakon VII received when he showed up at the BBC in London to make a wartime broadcast. "Sorry, dear," the harassed receptionist is said to have asked him, "where did you say you were king of?" During the oil crisis of 1973, Olav endeared himself to his countrymen by abandoning his car and driver one day and taking a seat on the public tram. Asked by a reporter if he was not concerned for his safety, he said, "No, I have no fear, not with four million bodyguards." Every year a motion to install a republic is routinely put forward in Parliament and just as routinely rejected. Mr. Langslet recalled that in the 1980's a leader of the Socialist Left party lamented, "Even if Norway had a president, Norwegians would go out and vote for the king." Asked what he had studied in his three years at Berkeley, Haakon listed international relations, economics, third-world development, international law and a course on the European Union. The last was an intriguing choice, because Norway has chosen to stay out of the group. "I think that the monarchy can stand for certain values in society ? one being respect for human dignity, the others being tolerance and environmental issues," he said. "I think we can say something about international solidarity. These are bipartisan issues." Haakon has been criticized by bishops of the official Lutheran Church for his current living arrangements and his outspoken support for homosexual rights; the church, which he may one day head as king, has barred the ordination of homosexual clerics. "When it comes to what I said about tolerance, women's issues and rights for homosexuals of both genders, I was saying that on the basis of civil society," he explained. "I didn't go into the ongoing discussion in the Norwegian church because that's a matter I shouldn't have an opinion on." He said he valued his freedom to walk around Oslo in relative anonymity and had never thought of donning a disguise. "Oh, no, I think that would be embarrassing if I were found out," he said. At least two security people trail him discreetly; the age of innocence for major Scandinavian figures mixing in public came to a violent end in 1986 when Prime Minister Olof Palme of Sweden was assassinated by a gunman on a Stockholm street as he was walking home from the movies with his wife. Haakon and Ms. Tjessem Hoiby are going to be married Aug. 25 in the Domkirken, Oslo's cathedral, and while things will be celebratory, it will be in the plain Scandinavian manner. Waves from the balcony, yes; gilded coaches, no. "We don't have a tradition for carriage rides here," he said. "Cars will have to do." The Norwegian Constitution now permits women to ascend to the throne so the couple's first-born child will be the heir apparent. As for her son, Haakon said, "Marius will be a full-fledged member of our family, but he will not get a title, unless my father decides to give him one, and I don't think that's very likely." Ms. Tjessem Hoiby is auditing lectures on ethics at the university but is evidently taking on a full course load with the royal household. "Because of the marriage coming up and her new role in life" Haakon said, "there's quite a lot of time she needs to spend on getting to know the palace and the way we operate here." And what about him? Did he imagine he could maintain his informal private life when he becomes king? Haakon sighed at the thought. "Let's say you might see me less in record stores 20 years from now," he said. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 10 07:59:21 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 07:59:21 -0500 Subject: Too tired for sex/Mississippi Focus/Marriage Poll/Divorce Commentary Message-ID: subject: Too tired for sex/Mississippi/Marriage Poll/Divorce Commentary from: Smart Marriages A collection of articles you've sent in: Friday, March 9, 2001 Workaholics Too Tired for Sex Wednesday, March 07, 2001 LONDON (Reuters) - Britons who devote long hours to the workplace have no appetite for sex or family once they go home, according to a survey released on Monday. "More than a third of those surveyed who work long hours admit to being workaholics," said the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development, which conducted the survey. "Nearly a third admit that work-related tiredness is causing their sex life to suffer and 14 percent report a loss of, or reduced, libido." The CIPD, which polled 486 Britons who work more than 48 hours a week, along with 139 of their partners, represents personnel managers in the United Kingdom. It found that the self-described workaholics tend to be male, middle-aged and married, many of them managers in the construction, manufacturing or service sectors. Their average income was put at 32,000 pounds ($47,020) and most were parents with partners who also worked. "Seventy percent of partners interviewed by the CIPD report that the 'long hours' worker is sometimes too tired to hold a conversation," said the report. "Over half of all the partners (54 percent) admit that their sex life is suffering because the 'long hours' worker is tired and 43 percent agree that they are fed up with having to shoulder most of the domestic burden," it added. Forty-two percent of workaholics cited their long work hours as a cause of arguments at home, and one in three felt guilty about missing out on their children growing up. Nor were home and family life the only things to suffer. The report said that in the last twelve months "more than a third say they have made mistakes, ranging from fatigue-related mismanagement of people and projects to property damage and personal injury." Surveys show Britons work longer hours than their fellow Europeans, even after the British government introduced the European Union Working Time Directive in July 1998, five years after it was initially adopted. The directive limits Britons to a 48-hour week, but the government added a raft of exceptions to the rules. France by comparison is implementing a cut in the legal work week from 39 hours to 35 to try to promote more employment. In the CIPD survey, three-quarters cited a heavy workload as the main reason for staying so long at their desks. Just one percent said it was out of fear of losing their job. More than half of those interviewed said they had not yet achieved a correct work/life balance. Pleasure also came into it: the self-confessed workaholics reported enjoying work the most and found leisure activities less satisfying than non-workoholics. ********************** MISSISSIPPI FOCUS: > "Every year we pick two or three issues to promote," says Forest Thigpen, > Mississippi Family Council's president. "This year we picked the importance > of marriage - and staying married." > > Thigpen says statistics compiled by the Mississippi State Department of > Health helped select his organization's theme for 2001:> > The 14,056 divorces in 1999 were the second-highest ever recorded in > Mississippi. That number is two and two-thirds times as many divorces as in > 1960. Mississippi Clarion Ledger March 6, 2001 Staying Married Researcher says couples healthier, happier, live longer By Billy Watkins Clarion-Ledger Staff Writer While researching the subject of marriage for a book, Maggie Gallagher posed this question to married men: What would your life be like if you were single? "A lot of 'em said, 'I'd have girlfriends all over the world. I'd be flying down to the Caribbean.' " Gallagher says. "Finally, I just stopped one of them and said, 'I know a lot of divorced people who say they come home to a lonely, cold house every day.' "He wasn't being realistic. When anyone compares their marriage to fantasy, it may not stack up too well. But compare it to reality, and things may not be as bad as they seem." Along with Linda Waite, Gallagher wrote The Case for Marriage (Doubleday, $24.95), which states bluntly that married people are happier than singles. "This is no longer theory," Gallagher says. "We now have 30 years of research to back us up. "And what we've seen is that married people live longer, they're in better mental health with fewer signs of depression, they build wealth together. "And to top it off, they have better sex more often." Waite is professor of sociology at the University of Chicago. Gallagher, who lives in New York City, is a nationally syndicated columnist and director of the marriage program at the Institute of American Values. Gallagher was in Mississippi recently, promoting the book as well as her anti-divorce viewpoint. Her visit was sponsored by the Mississippi Family Council. "Every year we pick two or three issues to promote," says Forest Thigpen, Mississippi Family Council's president. "This year we picked the importance of marriage - and staying married." Thigpen says statistics compiled by the Mississippi State Department of Health helped select his organization's theme for 2001: The 14,056 divorces in 1999 were the second-highest ever recorded in Mississippi. That number is two and two-thirds times as many divorces as in 1960. About 11,000 additional children each year suffer the divorce of their parents. Studies show that children of divorce suffer some of the same problems as children who never had a father present in the home. The studies indicate that children of divorced parents are more likely to become involved in crime or illegal drugs, to drop out of school, to live in poverty, to divorce or never marry when they become adults. "While researching the book, it became quite clear that one of the primary problems married couples face today is the way society has retreated from supporting life-long marriage," says Gallagher, who has been married eight years and has two sons. "When couples are struggling, people are much more likely to say these days, 'It's your life. If you're not happy, get out.' "That's not the foundation marriage was built on. The purpose of marriage is to hold you through unhappy times, to make you realize that this vow of a lifetime is worth struggling for." Gallagher says statistics from the National Survey of Families and Households support her stick-it-out theory. Gallagher and Waite write: "How many couples turn their marriages around? The truth is shocking: 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that five years later their marriages are happier. Most say they've become very happy." They add: "The very worst marriages showed the most dramatic turnarounds." Gallagher says the reasons for improved relationships during that five-year period were many. "At the time they were unhappy, they could've been going through financial stress, illness, death in the family. "But the message is, people can work to solve their problems and resolve them. "Now I'm not talking about abusive marriages. Nobody wants anyone in that situation. We're talking about the normal struggles that most couples go through." Gallagher says statistics also show that less than one-third of people who divorce go on to have a more stable marriage the second time around. "To me, all these numbers say that divorce is a very high-risk strategy," she says. At one stop in Mississippi, Gallagher was asked - by a married man in the audience - about her "better sex more often" claim. "That wasn't the first time I'd been asked that," she says with a laugh. "But the studies show that married people are more satisfied sexually compared to people living together or single people. "Again, it goes back to comparing fantasy with reality. Sometimes the married people think the single people are having all the fun. But a majority of the single people we interviewed had a different viewpoint." Jan Duker, a psychologist and former director of the Mississippi Department of Mental Health in Jackson, says she generally agrees with Gallagher's statements. "I'd like to know more about the data and where (Gallagher and Waite) got it," Duker says. "But I think people who are able to maintain marriage tend to do better. "Society favors married couples. They usually have two incomes. They tend to encourage each other to engage in healthier habits. "And it's certainly a highly-recommended way to raise children. There's no argument there." ***************** CBS NEWS POLL ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE 2/10-12/01: Love And Marriage Little Confidence In Younger Generation On Marriage But Most Americans Are Still Happy They Said 'I Do' CBS News Poll --- Conducted February 10-12, 2001 NEW YORK, Feb. 25, 2001 (CBS) Americans believe those entering marriage today do not take the institution as seriously as their parents' generation did, according to a CBS News Poll. However, married Americans are satisfied with their marriages, and nine out of 10 say they would marry their current spouse if they had to do it all over again. Americans' views of marriage are realistic and romantic at the same time. They recognize that arguments between spouses may be good for a marriage, while at the same time a majority thinks the romance never leaves a relationship. A SERIOUS INSTITUTION Eight in ten Americans feel that people getting married today take the institution of marriage less seriously compared to their parents' generation while only five percent feel they take it more seriously. Back in 1988, 10 percent said those getting married took it more seriously than their parents' generation. Women are a little tougher on the younger generation than men. 82 percent of women say those marrying today do not take it as seriously as the previous generation, while 77 percent of men agree with this assessment. Younger people are equally as critical of today's marriages as their older counterparts. 79 percent of those under 30 say people getting married today do not take it as seriously while 80 percent of those over 30 feel the same way. SATISFACTION Regardless of the perception that marriage isn't taken as seriously today as a generation ago, nearly all married respondents say they are satisfied with their marriages and more than eight in ten are very satisfied with it - virtually unchanged since 1995. 79 percent of women report being very satisfied with their marriage while slightly more - 83 percent - men feel this way. Also, 84 percent of respondents earning more than $30,000 a year say they are very satisfied with their marriage while only 69 percent of those earning under $30,000 feel they are very satisfied. Although a majority of parents and non-parents both report they are satisfied with their marriages, those without children under 18 living at home are a little happier. 77 percent of those with children say they are very satisfied, whereas 84 percent of those without children feel very satisfied. With Americans so satisfied in their marriages, it's no surprise that if they had to do it all over again most would marry the same person. An overwhelming 93 percent of those who are married say they would tie the knot with their current spouse again, unchanged since 1995. COMMUNICATION AND TRUST 88 percent of married Americans rate the communication in their marriage positively, including more than a third who say their communication is excellent. Although that's good news, it's not as good as just a few years ago. In 1997, a higher 48 percent reported the communication in their marriage was excellent. Younger people rate communication in their marriage somewhat better than do older people. Currently, almost half of those under 30 say the communication with their spouse is excellent while only 37 percent of those 65 and over feel the same way. Identical numbers of married men and women - 88 percent - rate their communication as either excellent or good. Eight in ten married Americans say they trust their spouse all of the time, unchanged from nearly 11 years ago. Slightly more men (86 percent) than women (82 percent) trust their spouse all of the time. Only three percent say they trust their spouse only some of the time or never. EXCITEMENT IN MARRIAGES When asked what one thing they could do to add more excitement to their marriage, spending more time together came out on top - 19 percent of married people cited it. Travel together and more romance followed, mentioned by 14 percent and 13 percent respectively. One good sign: 16 percent of married Americans report there's no need for more excitement in their marriage. This is much higher than it was six years ago, when only five percent were content with the excitement in their marriages. Men and women agree that spending more time together would add excitement to their marriage - it was the top response given by both. Time is particularly an issue for those who are married with children; a quarter of parents say more time alone with their spouse would excite their marriage but only 13 percent of those without children agree. Spending more time together is also an issue for younger marrieds; 26 percent of those of under age 45 say more time with their spouse could add excitement to their marriage while only 13 percent of those over 45 feel the same way. 18 percent of those over age 45 feel their marriage doesn't need to be more exciting. ROMANCE Although one in five Americans say romance goes out of a marriage in the first five years and 14 percent says it takes 10 years or more, over half of Americans believe romance never goes out of a marriage. Those who are married are even more confident (64 percent) that the romance never dies. The most pessimistic are unmarrieds, 43 percent of whom say the romance never ends. 29 percent of unmarried respondents say the romance disappears from a marriage within the first five years. Younger Americans also believe the honeymoon is over rather quickly - a quarter of those under 30 say the romance is gone in the first five years of a marriage. Men are a little more optimistic than women when it comes to enduring romance in a marriage. In fact, 18 percent of men say the romance goes out of a marriage within the first five years while a quarter of women feel the same way, including 10 percent of women who say the romance is gone in the first year or two. ARGUMENTS Americans feel that having arguments from time to time is good for a marriage. 78 percent feel arguments are good while 17 percent feel they are bad. This number has dropped since 1995 when 84 percent of Americans felt arguing from time to time was good for a marriage. Married people agree; eight in ten of those who are currently married think occasional arguments can be a good thing. Women are more likely than men to agree that arguments from time to time are a good thing in a marriage. 83 percent of women think arguing can be good, as do 73 percent of men. There are also differences when it comes to age. Eight in ten of those under age 30 feel arguments are a good thing for a marriage while two-thirds (66 percent) of those 65 and over feel the same way. This poll was conducted by telephone February 10-12, 2001, among 1,124 adults nationwide. The error due to sampling could be plus or minus three percentage points for results based on the entire sample. Sampling error for subgroups may be higher. ************************ COMMENTARY: Divorce Made (Too) Easy Commentary by Susan Cheever NEW YORK, Feb. 25, 2001 (CBS) Commentary for CBS News Sunday Morning by novelist and biographer Susan Cheever. It's easy to get married in the United States. All it takes is a license and a trip to the marriage bureau. But it's even easier to get divorced; a few visits to a lawyer, and your friends are congratulating you on a new life. Divorce court has become as much a part of the American scene as health food stores, or baseball diamonds, or college campuses. As a country, we have the highest divorce rate in the world. Marriage laws are the oldest laws in existence. The first were carved in stone in the marketplaces of Babylon by King Hammurabi thousands of years ago. Each society makes marriage laws that favor its needs. In a society that needs soldiers, the marriage laws favor the production of male children. In a society based on property, the marriage laws are engineered to protect property. In a society where women are regarded as possessions, the marriage laws reflect that. Our laws for marriage and divorce, which we adopted from the British laws, clearly do not work any more. Our laws have collided with our culture. This wonderful country of ours is all about a new start. The pilgrims came to Massachusetts looking for a new start. The founding fathers fought a bloody war to earn a new start. The Frontier was a thousand new starts. We love stories about starting over, about redemption, about our realizing our mistakes and beginning a new life. We understand perfectly when a friend says her marriage ended because she and her husband grew apart. But we give little credit to people who stay married against the odds. This is bad for wives and good for divorce lawyers. I have left three marriages myself, each time with the unconditional blessings of my friends. There was always a good reason to leave. Later, when I saw my children's hearts break, I was sorry. Not only sorry that I hadn't stayed married, but that I lived in a world where there seemed to be so few alternatives. For many of us, divorce feels like a liberation instead of the tragedy that it is. Until we change our attitudes, marriage and divorce will stay right here in the same neighborhood. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 10 08:23:19 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 08:23:19 -0500 Subject: Minnesota Marriage Legislation - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Minnesota Marriage Legislation - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Senator Steve Dille of Minnesota has re-introduced a bill giving a $55 waiver on marriage license fees for couples who take a 12 hour premarital education course that includes an inventory, communications skills, and conflict management skills. Some of us marriage educators here in Minnesota helped to craft the bill, which goes beyond what most other states are considering. We involved the county clerks in the discussions, in order to make it logistically feasible. This year we hope to get around Governor Ventura's veto. Stay tuned. The bill can be downloaded at http://www.revisor.leg.state.mn.us/cgi-bin/bldbill.pl?bill=S1021.0&session=l s82 Bill Doherty bdoherty at tc.umn.edu ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sat Mar 10 11:37:10 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 11:37:10 -0500 Subject: Iowa & Colorado stress key roles of marriage - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Iowa Ceremony stresses key roles of marriage - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages PRINT THIS STORY | E-MAIL THIS STORY Law would honor long-wed couples By John Sanko, News Capitol Bureau January 31, 2001 A lawmaker who fears divorce is unraveling America wants Colorado to be the first state to recognize couples who keep the knot tied. Sen. Bruce Cairns, R-Aurora, proposes giving couples married for 25 or 50 years certificates of commendation from the state registrar of vital statistics. "We're not going to give them a thousand dollar bond or anything -- we don't have that much," said Cairns. "But it's just the idea of some recognition." Cairns, who will celebrate his 28th wedding anniversary in September, said no tax dollars are involved. The program would be run from fees and donations. The couple would get their certificates for free. The GOP lawmaker said he introduced SB 175 because divorce is becoming more common and taking a heavier toll on children of divorced couples. "The General Assembly finds that the state's recognition of the benefits of long-term marriage will also help younger individuals view marriage in more positive terms since studies show that people are marrying later in life, fewer are getting married and those who do marry are more and more likely to divorce," the bill states. Cairns said he knew of no other state that has a similar program. ********************* The Des Moines Register March 3, 2001 Ceremony at Capitol stresses key roles of marriage, family By JENNIFER DUKES LEE Register Staff Writer 03/07/2001 Participants ate wedding cake, sipped punch and chanted "I do" at a rally Tuesday to promote marriage and the family. The event at the state Capitol rotunda had most of the trappings of an Iowa wedding, except for the "Chicken Dance" and garter toss. A Le Mars man and woman even repeated their wedding vows. The "Marriage Matters" rally was organized by the Iowa Family Policy Council, whose leader wants $10 million in state money to be shifted to religious-affiliated groups to work on social problems. The money would be used largely to promote the importance of marriage and two-parent families. "We're not here to say that marriage is for everyone," said Chuck Hurley, a former Republican state lawmaker and president of the Family Policy Council. "We're here to say that on average, kids and adults are much better off in happy, married homes." Gov. Tom Vilsack and both chambers of the Legislature declared the day "Marriage and Family Day." Numerous legislative leaders attended the ceremony, including Senate Majority Leader Stewart Iverson, R-Dows. Iverson married his second wife, Vicki, about six months ago. His first wife died after 29 years of marriage. Iverson said he was "blessed to have two beautiful ladies in my lifetime." "To me, divorce is not an option," he said, then kissed his wife. House Speaker Brent Siegrist, R-Council Bluffs, and Senate President Mary Kramer, R-West Des Moines, also spoke at the event. Ako Abdul-Samad, founder of Creative Visions, a Des Moines social service agency, said society lacked enough married couples to serve as examples to their children. "The key to marriage isn't just to have a piece of paper. The key with marriage is to implement it," Abdul-Samad told the crowd. The event included a short ceremony, in which Mike and Cheryl Wells shared the story of their married life, then repeated their wedding vows. They married in 1977, divorced in 1980 and remarried in 1981. The couple, part owners of Wells Dairy Inc. in Le Mars, maker of Blue Bunny ice cream, brought the treat for lawmakers and others at the Capitol Tuesday. "When you're having troubles in your marriage, there is nothing you can't work through," said Cheryl Wells, 40. "God will help you through it." ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Sun Mar 11 14:17:24 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Sun, 11 Mar 2001 14:17:24 -0500 Subject: Nashville/Denver/Long-marrieds/MN legislation/Dutch teens/ Message-ID: subject: Nashville/Denver/Long-marrieds/MN legislation/Dutch teens/ from: Smart Marriages NASHVILLE CONFERENCE, MARCH 25-26 Diane, Excitement is building for the Conference on Family Wellness at Lipscomb University in Nashville, TN, March 25-26, featuring Mike and Harriet McManus, Maggie Gallagher, and Judith Wallerstein. Please remind your readers again of this conference, and also, that they are welcome to send materials to us and we will display them, or they can come themselves--no fees involved. Is that a deal or what? Tennessee has one of the highest divorce rates in the nation, and we're doing what we can to curb that and strengthen marriages here. It would be a great opportunity for those who have programs to advertise them. Julie Bumgardner from First Things First in Chattanooga will be with us on Friday night before the conference to participate in a call-in panel on one of the local regional television shows. We met today with a number of prominent clergy in the city and talked by conference phone with Mike McManus. They were very, very receptive and worked on a Community Marriage document. Hope to have a signing on Monday morning, March 26th. All events are sponsored, and are fee and open to the public, except for the breakfast--at which one needs a reservation (it's still free, we just need to know how many to prepare for.) We sent out 1,000 of the Marriage Movement in America documents to clergy, every state and federal legislator (from Tennessee), and other officials in the city. Thanks for your help with publicity. ************ COLORADO FAITH-BASED PROGRAM: Wednesday March 14 4-5:30pm Special seminar on Faith-Based Initiatives at the Denver Doubletree Hotel near the old airport. Speakers Include: - David L. Caprara President and Co-Founder of The Empowerment Network, National Policy Director for the Center for Neighborhood Enterprise, former Deputy Assistant Secretary of the US Department of Health and Human Services - Honorable Walter Fauntroy former DC Delegate to US Congress and pastor of New Bethel Baptist Church, Rev. Fauntroy is a passionate advocate for family and equality. The seminar is offered as part of the Stand Together America banquet. For further information visit http://www.lifespark.com/standtogether/seminar.htm or call (303) 430-4876. This will be a wonderful program and very useful for people of faith who want to apply for federal money supporting programs that can help fix our country. Norbert Szolnoky ******************* Diane: Senator Bruce Cairns, R-Aurora in Colorado, is to be commended for his intentions and efforts to recognize all couples in his state who have been married for a significant amount of time (25-50 years). We are trying to give similar recognition in Utah. In February, Governor Mike Leavitt signed a Declaration on Marriage in recognition of National Marriage Week (February 7-14 2001). He gave a certificate of recognition to the couples married longest in 17 counties in Utah. Governor Leavitt and the First Lady, Jacalyn S. Leavitt also held a press conference in the governor's mansion during National Marriage Week and recognized the couple married longest in Utah. The husband and wife, Marion and Erma Winn from Salt Lake City were present at the press conference and have been married 76 years. (Four television stations in Utah covered the event.) There was also a large billboard in Salt Lake City for four weeks with a picture of the Winns, their names and the length of their marriage. We plan to give similar recognition to other couples in long-term marriages in Utah in 2002. Brent A. Barlow, Chair, Governor's Commission on Marriage - Utah. ******************* >From Bob Ruthazer, CFLE, Director of Marriage Builders Alliance of Richmond. WOW! The Minnesota legislation is unique to all other bills I have seen in that it has wording that would allow 'Marriage Mentors' designated by clergy to be authorized providers of the preparation training. I quote from the bill "The premarital education must be provided by a licensed or ordained minister or the minister's designee," THIS INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE SHOULD BE PART ALL MARRIAGE LEGISLATION !!! Even their Covenant Marriage Bill does not include this. If we are really interested in what is best for marriage, this must be included... otherwise it appears to be a special interest group interested in more clients! I commend this courageous legislation.... it's just the right thing to do! I agree - but actually the legislation in other states also does include "clergy and their designees or any official representative of a religious" entity and goes further to allow "any qualified provider designated by a county governing body" - in Florida it's anyone who registers with the marriage license clerks office and explains their training and qualifications - so anyone who has marriage education course training can participate. - diane ****************** COMMENTS ON DUTCH TEEN PREGNANCY RATES: First, I must comment. So many of you see publishing articles on this list as endorsement of the content! People actually unsubscribed because this article was sent to the list. I repeat again: we share news about what is going on in the United States and the world in regards to marriage and family issues. Especially if the article is pertinent to our focus. We have a program at the Smart Marriages conference on teaching abstinence to teens which makes this alternative view particularly relevant. I can't share all your many responses, but will print three here: - diane Diane, My question regarding the Dutch teen pregnancy study is how many kids are enjoying sex? They are protecting them from pregnancy, but what's happening to their hearts? The figures in this country on teen regrets on sex are pretty troubling. Marline Pearson >I teach a graduate social policy and practice course at the Indiana >University School of Social Work. Just this week were began analyzing social >policies related to the family functions of providing consistent sex for >intimate adult partners and controlling sexual behavior according to social >norms. This piece was so timely and provided an international perspective on >a familiar social problem that I just had to share it with my students. >Thanks. Lorraine Blackman Dear smartmarriages With regard to the piece that you recently put out praising the Dutch for the way they have reduced teen pregnancies perhaps the following press release should be read to give a proper 'balanced' view of the moral state of that country. Quote:For most average, moral people, the status quo in the Netherlands is difficult to understand. It is a country where prostitution, child sexual molestation, and incest are legal (but, with regard to the latter, only until age 16). Drugs and gambling are also legal. Euthanasia has recently been made legal with no parental consent necessary from age 12 onward. Likewise, with abortion, and every other abomination of human behavior. Government sperm-banks are maintained for lesbian couples and, in fact, the Netherlands is the only country in the world where homosexuals can legally marry. Not content to confine their depravity within their own borders, the Dutch have recently instituted "death ships" for an organization called "Women on Waves" run by Dr. Rebecca Gomperts, former ship's physician of Greenpeace's Rainbow Warrior. These ships park in waters just outside of the national boundaries of countries in which abortion is illegal. They run speed-boat "taxi" services to the mainland to transport clients from countries whose citizens have voted for the sanctity of human life. Ireland and Malta are currently targeted. Dr. Philip Nitschke, known as "Dr. Death" in his native Australia, hopes to register additional euthanasia death ships in the Netherlands following Gomperts' model. Roger Eldridge, Co. Roscommon, Ireland, eldridgeandco at eircom.net ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 12 10:06:34 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 10:06:34 -0500 Subject: Stepfamilies Must Work Harder - Horn 3/01 & Children of Div reply Message-ID: subject: Stepfamilies Must Work Harder - Horn 3/01 & Children of Div reply from: Smart Marriages Fatherly Advice Dr. Wade F. Horn President, The National Fatherhood Initiative Title: Stepfamilies Must Work a Little Harder Date: February 6, 2001 Q: I'm about to marry a woman with two children, ages 6 and 8. I've heard that stepfamilies are more difficult to manage than first-time families. Is this true, and if so, what advice can you give to help us be a successful stepfamily? A: About 7 percent of all children live with a biological parent and a stepparent. About eight of every 10 children living with a stepparent resides with their biological mother and a stepfather. These statistics, however, only tell part of the story. When one takes into account both remarriages and cohabitation, nearly 30 percent of all children will spend at least a portion of their childhood in a stepfamily. Hence, stepfamilies, while not the rule, are more common than many people realize. Unfortunately, research consistently finds that children reared in stepfamilies do not, on average, fare as well as children reared in households with continuously married parents. For example, children reared in stepfamilies are more likely to develop emotional and behavioral problems, fail at school and commit crime, compared to those living in households with continuously married parents. Indeed, even though remarriage brings more income and a second adult into the household, studies find remarriage by a single mother does not negate the adverse consequences associated with children who grow up in a single-parent family. On some measures, most especially crime, children in stepfamilies actually may do worse. Making matters worse, second marriages run a greater risk of dissolution than first marriages, and the risk is even higher when children are involved. By some estimates, as many as two out of three stepfamilies break up. These statistics can be viewed in several ways. The first is to interpret them to mean that all children in stepfamilies are doomed. This, of course, is untrue. Yes, being reared in a stepfamily raises the risk of poor outcomes for children. That doesn't mean, however, that every child reared in a stepfamily experiences significant difficulties. Moreover, simply emphasizing the negative doesn't help stepfamilies be successful. It only serves to demoralize them. The second way of looking at these statistics is to deny they exist. That's like telling a smoker to ignore evidence that smoking increases the risk of developing lung cancer. But pretending a risk doesn't exist doesn't reduce that risk one bit. It only reduces one's motivation to do something about it. Fortunately, there is a third way to look at these statistics, and it is this: Precisely because children in stepfamilies are at greater risk of poor developmental outcomes than those in households with continuously married parents, we need to do a better job of giving stepfamilies the information and support they need to build and sustain healthy families. If that sounds like commonsense, well, that's because it is. Unfortunately, commonsense seems to be in awfully short supply these days. So, here's my advice for men who are about to become stepfathers, based on a review of the empirical literature on stepfamilies conducted by my research assistant Anna Degraffinreid: Reaffirm your commitment to your wife daily. Use the knowledge that stepfamilies are hard on marriages as motivation to work to keep your marriage strong and vital. This means taking extra care to listen to your wife, compliment her, show appreciation for what she does and be affectionate toward her. Eradicate unrealistic expectations. Recognize that stepfamilies are different from first-time families. Don't expect that just because you and your wife walked down the aisle together means your children naturally will blend into one, big happy family. Instead, recognize that children in stepfamilies frequently experience loyalty conflicts between their new family and their older one. Becoming a successful stepfamily will take time. Be patient. Set up rules concerning discipline. One common mistake stepfathers make is over-disciplining their stepchildren. Do create household rules with your wife, but in the beginning at least, allow her to be the primary disciplinarian for your stepchildren. Plan appropriate ways of relating to your stepchildren. The relationship between stepfathers and stepchildren is not - and never will be - the same as the relationship between biological fathers and their biological children. Different, however, doesn't mean better or worse; it means different. Don't force your kids to treat you as if you are their biological father. This means, for example, that you shouldn't insist that they call you "dad." Establish a structured and predictable household. For children, structure and predictability equal security. This is especially true for stepchildren. They already have experienced the dissolution of one family. Developing a predictable and structured household will help reassure them the same thing is not likely to happen to this one. Create a reliable presence in your stepfamily's life. Keep the commitments you make to your stepchildren. Avoid making commitments you may not be able to keep. In short, be a man of your word. Take time to have fun and enjoy each other. Family life shouldn't be all work. Take time to play and enjoy each other's company. Create new family traditions through shared activities. Above all, keep or cultivate a sense of humor. This journey isn't going to be easy. You'll need to laugh a little along the way. The bottom line: Stepfathers must R-E-S-P-E-C-T the uniqueness of stepfamilies. Making a success of stepfamilies is a more difficult proposition than succeeding as a first-time family. By recognizing the uniqueness of stepfamilies and the need to play by a different set of rules, however, stepfamilies can succeed and even thrive - no matter what statistics may suggest to the contrary. Dr. Wade F. Horn is President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, a clinical child psychologist, and co-author of several books on parenting including the Better Homes and Gardens New Father Book (Meredith, 1998) and the Better Homes and Gardens New Teen Book (Meredith, 1999). Send your question about dads, children or fatherhood to: The National Fatherhood Initiative, 101 Lake Forest Blvd, Suite 360, Gaithersburg, MD 20877, or e-mail him at NFI1995 at aol.com. *************** In general, what Elizabeth Marquardt has to say in her article "Children of Divorce: Stories of Exile" (Christian Century, Feb. 21, 2001) makes a certain amount of sense. However, I have a few comments of my own which I would like to add. As a child of divorce now aged 40, I grew up in society which placed heavy emphasis on coping with divorce and seemed to pay little or no attention to making marriages work. This divorce coping emphasis, which was supposed to solve everything, did not suffice to prevent my life from being repeatedly disrupted over a period of years by multiple marriages and divorce and by three step-parents who included an alcoholic and a psychological abuser. I ended up neither able nor willing to enter into marriage or any romantic relationships. In general I didn't find divorce coping advice and counseling a satisfactory substitute for having a father willing to honor his marital commitment. As far as churches are concerned, I would have problems with any approach to divorce that consists solely of helping someone cope with another person's decision to split up with no attempt ever made to help couples overcome the forces that threaten to split them irretrievably apart. Such an emphasis, to my way of thinking, can only lead to endless divorce. To a person like myself who has reached my saturation point with divorce, no prospect could be more intolerable. In view of the above, I cannot feel comfortable with a church that doesn't have one or more marriage strengthening programs. In fact, I stopped attending the church where I've been a member for ten years mainly because I was getting nowhere in my attempts to persuade others to support and help out with any such programs. This despite the fact that I am single by choice and don't envision getting married in the future. Sound strange? Let me explain further. I have long believed that morally marriage strengthening is the right thing for every church to do: Given conditions in today's society, no church that teaches that "God is love" can afford to be without provisions for protecting and nurturing the love that enables marriages to succeed instead of disintegrating. Churches without any formal marriage strengthening programs may feel they're doing all they need to for married couples by offering a place where people get to know each other. Yet even in a close knit church where everyone knows everyone else, the divorce rate may well mirror that of the general population at 50 percent. While people's knowing one another may provide certain benefits up to a point, when it comes to marriage strengthening, merely promoting friendly get togethers is not enough. I freely admit that there is also a psychological element behind my fierce dedication to the idea of marriage strengthening programs. In offering programs a church or organization in effect is making a statement that it cares whether its members are willing and able to stick to their marital commitments. Members of a church lacking any formal program may offer reassurances that the church is doing all it can and should do to keep its members' marriages strong, but for me words are not enough. I need something tangible. All too often, the only thing tangible in my life, where marriage and my family are concerned, has been problems followed by the inevitable marriage breakup. In my lifetime, this has happened every time anyone in my immediate family has gotten married. My parents and my older sister, between them, are up to five divorces so far. When I say I've reached my saturation point with divorces, I am not exaggerating! I like what Elizabeth M. has to say on the importance of working to save low-conflict marriages and especially her promotion of marriage education for couples. However, I would go even further in promoting marriage education. I firmly believe such education on the part of churches should not wait until after marriage; it should begin as soon as an individual learns how to walk! I would like, for instance, to see as many churches as possible establish programs in which children and/or teens are paired up with happily married couples. All too often, children (like myself) grow up without ever seeing that marriages can be happy, healthy, and lasting. Lacking the opportunity to see any examples of successful marriages when growing up, young adults all too often end up, as Judith Wallerstein put it, "trying to become a dancer without having seen a dance." Never having had the example of a successful marriage before them, adult children of divorce end up failing at their own marriages, and the pattern of divorce carried out by their parents perpetuates itself. This, in my view, is the greatest tragedy of divorce. Somehow, somewhere, we've got to try to break this pattern, and I know of no better place for churches to begin than by exposing children and teens to marriages that work. For young adults involved in romantic relationships but not yet married, this marriage education might take the form of pairing up young unmarried couples with couples who are married. Then the possible future spouses could hear the voice of experience and know that others before them have faced and dealt with the problems and concerns that they face. These are a few of my thoughts concerning the article by Elizabeth Marquardt. You may print all or a portion of this for the "Smart Marriages" list if you wish. --Cindy Coan cjcoan at azstarnet.com ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 12 10:17:43 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 10:17:43 -0500 Subject: Ramifications of Genetic Testing for Paternity - 2/01 Message-ID: subject: Ramifications of Genetic Testing for Paternity - 2/01 from: Smart Marriages In Genetic Testing for Paternity, Law Often Lags Behind Science New York Times, Feb 3, 01 By TAMAR LEWIN BIG SPRING, Tex. It should have been good news when Morgan Wise's doctor told him that genetic testing showed he was not a carrier of cystic fibrosis, the disease his youngest child, Rauli, has struggled with since birth. But instead, the 1999 test results led to the complete unraveling of Mr. Wise's relationship with Rauli and his three other children. "For a child to have cystic fibrosis, both parents have to be carriers," Mr. Wise said. "When I got the results, my first thought was maybe we'd misdiagnosed Rauli. But the doctor came around from his desk and said, `I'm just going to come straight out with it: Is there any reason to think this boy may not be yours?' He advised me to have DNA paternity testing. I was in such shock I couldn't even drive home." The paternity tests showed that Mr. Wise had not fathered Rauli or his two other sons, Marti and Rowdi. Of the four children born during his marriage to Wanda Fryar, which ended in 1996, only the eldest, daughter Carli, was biologically his. But the court that had handled his divorce would not consider the genetic evidence and refused to allow him to stop paying child support for the boys. The court also cut off his visitation rights, even with his biological daughter. For centuries, courts have presumed that all children born within marriage are fathered by the husband. Because courts could not prove paternity, the thinking went, excluding any evidence of infidelity was the best way to protect children from the stigma of illegitimacy, men from the shame of cuckoldry - and society from marital disruption. These days, though, genetic testing has made determining paternity simple, even routine. According to the American Association of Blood Banks, 280,000 paternity tests were conducted in 1999, three times as many as a decade earlier. And in 28 percent of the tests, the man tested was found not to be the father. But in most states, the law has not caught up with the science. And in dozens of cases around the country, divorced men like Mr. Wise - and single men who have previously acknowledged paternity - are having their genetic evidence of non paternity rejected by the courts. They are also being ordered to continue supporting children they did not father. Many lawyers say the old policy still makes sense, because once paternity has been assigned, either as part of a divorce order or in a separate paternity proceeding, courts should not revisit the question. Furthermore, they say, there is something unseemly about men trying to get out of supporting children who have loved and depended on them. But lawyers representing the deceived men see it differently: the unseemly thing, they say, is forcing a man like Mr. Wise to assume financial responsibility for children he was duped into believing were his own, children another man should be supporting. "Morgan Wise is the victim here, he's not the one who did wrong, but he's the one being punished," said Mr. Wise's lawyer, Robert Miller, who argued his case last month to the state appeals court in Eastland, Tex. Phyllis Royal, the lawyer for Ms. Fryar, said neither she nor her client would discuss the case. While Mr. Wise's case made headlines in Texas, there are similar cases scattered throughout the country each year, many of them resolved in the privacy of family court, or, if appealed, reported only under the parents' initials. "Now that DNA testing has washed off the table the reasons we didn't use to allow paternity evidence, we have to decide whether there are other reasons to keep that evidence out, like child support and fairness," said Carol Sanger, a family law professor at Columbia Law School. "We no longer run the risk of a gazillion people coming forward to say `Howard Hughes is my father' because we can say, `Stick out your finger and we'll see,' " Ms. Sanger said. "But there are real concerns about letting biology trump all. The state may want to make sure that if they take one dad off the hook, they will have another one paying. The underlying question is, what establishes a parental relationship?" The issue is complicated, she said: Any policy that emphasizes biological ties could upset the nascent recognition of nontraditional families, such as same-sex partnerships. And children may suffer from the disruption of their ties to a father figure. But other experts say any legal policy that will not acknowledge scientific truth is disturbing, especially at a time when criminal courts are allowing people to use DNA evidence to prove their innocence, no matter how long after a crime. "It's a real question: if we let DNA do its work in the criminal justice system, why not in the family court system?" Ms. Sanger said. "The answer is that the concerns are different. We never want an innocent person in jail. But to put it in the most melodramatic way, in the paternity situation, children are the innocent party. While some people might see the refusal to accept DNA evidence of nonpaternity as rewarding the wife for deception, I think courts look at its use as punishing the children." Many of the cases follow similar patterns. Often a man gets genetic testing when his ex-wife limits his contact with the child or when he begins to wonder why the child does not resemble him. In other cases, testing is prompted by relatives' hints that he is not the father. The question of how long a man has to disavow paternity - or whether he can ever introduce genetic evidence of nonpaternity - differs from state to state. Some states will hear such evidence only within two years of a child's birth; others allow as much as five years. Last fall, Ohio enacted a law exempting men from child support if genetic testing shows that they are not the father. Similar legislation has been introduced in New Jersey. In Maryland, in a group of cases involving unmarried men who had previously acknowledged paternity, the state's highest court ruled last year that there was no time limit on their right to use genetic testing to prove nonpaternity. Late last year, seeking to create a national standard, the National Conference of Commissioners on Uniform State Laws proposed an act - introduced as legislation this year in several states, including Texas - giving men two years from a child's birth to challenge paternity. "In looking at this, we found that something like 5 percent of marital children, maybe up to 10 percent, are not the biological children of the husband," said Harry Tindall, the Houston lawyer who was chairman of the committee that drafted the model law. "I think there has to be some window of opportunity for challenge, but we say you have two years from birth to either put up or shut up." But two years would not have helped Mr. Wise, a railroad engineer who said he had never doubted his paternity until he underwent cystic fibrosis testing two years ago, when his sons were 6, 8 and 10. By then, he and Ms. Fryar had divorced, and he had fought for, and won, custody of all four children. He gave custody of the children to his former wife in January 1999, shortly before being tested, when the travel demands of his job became overwhelming. At the time, the court granted him the same visitation rights his former wife had previously had, and ordered him to pay $1,100 a month in child support. Even after finding that the boys were not his biological children, Mr. Wise said he had hoped to maintain his relationship with them. "I told them I was still their daddy, and I loved them as much as the day they were born - the only thing that was different was I was not their birth father," he said. "I would still like to go on doing things for them, directly, but I don't see why I should be writing checks to a woman who deceived me all those years." But Judge Robert H. Moore III of Howard County District Court refused to end Mr. Wise's child support obligation. He also cut off his visitation rights - a combination that baffles many experts in family law. Judge Moore would not discuss the case. He referred questions to Celia Trimble Boone, the lawyer representing Dwayne Alexander, the man Mr. Wise has come to believe is the children's biological father. "The judge made it clear to all parties that they were not to talk to the children about this, and when Morgan did so, that's why he cut off visitation," Ms. Boone said. "On child support, the judge just followed the law of Texas, which is that once paternity is established, that's it." Ms. Fryar has remarried. In the appeal, her brief argued that Mr. Wise should have known to raise the paternity issue in the divorce: before the boys were born, the court papers said, Mr. Wise had found a note Ms. Fryar had written, but not sent, to Mr. Alexander, offering to leave her husband. Furthermore, the documents indicate, Mr. Wise had suspicions of several other relationships she had had. Mr. Wise said in the court papers that he had not known his wife was seriously involved with Mr. Alexander, and that he and his wife had talked about the note and, he thought, resolved their problems. "If I'd known she was cheating on me, I would have left her," he said. For now, Mr. Wise has no formal contact with the children of his previous marriage, even though they all live in the same small West Texas town, where everyone knows the whole story. "About the only time I see the kids," he said, "is if I can go watch Carli's volleyball game over at school, or if I run into one of the boys." Since Mr. Wise got his test results, Mr. Miller said, two of his other clients have discovered they were not the biological fathers of the children they were rearing. Neither of those men, though, acted on the knowledge, choosing instead to maintain an unchanged relationship with the children. "I now advise every man who's getting a divorce to get paternity testing," Mr. Miller said. "I don't like it much, but now it seems like it could be malpractice not to warn them." ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 12 13:07:29 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 13:07:29 -0500 Subject: Bush: Charitable Choice/Louisiana divorce action/Nashville/replies Message-ID: subject: Bush: Charitable Choice/Louisiana divorce action/Nashville/replies from: Smart Marriages THE CASE FOR MARRIAGE: "The Case for Marriage" by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher just hit #121 on amazon.com - pretty good for a book that's been out six months! Get your copy and have Linda sign it at Smart Marriages where she'll do a follow-up keynote on the research in the book "How Bad Marriages Go Good". Click here to order with the amazon discounted price of only $19.96. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0385500858/smartmarriages **************** NASHVILLE FREE MARRIAGE CONFERENCE CONTACT INFO: Sorry, I didn't realize the contact info wasn't included in the update I sent for the March 25 & 26th conference featuring McManus, Gallagher and Wallerstein. Contact: John.Conger at lipscomb.edu Also try: Family and Consumer Sciences at 1-800-333-4358, ext. 6108. Or check the web at www.Lipscomb.edu. ************* PRESIDENT DELAYS ACTION ON FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE: Bush encounters opposition from unexpected quarters to his "compassionate conservative" initiative to engage religious organizations to combat social problems: By Dana Milbank and Thomas B. Edsall THE WASHINGTON POST WASHINGTON, March 12 ? The Bush administration will delay action on parts of its plan to channel more government money to religious charities until it can quiet some of the surprisingly vehement opposition to the program. For more on the story, double click: http://msnbc.com/news/542789.asp *********************** LOUISIANA DIVORCE INITIATIVE: Hello Diane, I am a subscriber to your email list. I have been frantically searching for a way to stop my husband from divorcing me and have found your list very helpful. In our case, my husband became very depressed and confused because of some problems that could be easily worked out. Instead of seeking advice from a counselor he sought advice from a lawyer. I was then locked out of our home and slapped with a restraining order from any type of communication including by telephone. Lawyers do all they can to destroy any chance of reconciliation. I have since been doing a lot of research in my state of Louisiana and I would like to let you know about something you may want to pass along to the rest of the list. I have been in touch by email with LSU Law Professor Katherine Spaht. She told me about an Executive Council on Marriage that they have been working on. It is now just waiting for Governor Foster's signature. Once in place she told me they plan to work on longer waiting periods and mandatory counseling for all divorcing couples. This can save many marriages. It is very important to get this signed and so I emailed Governor Foster asking him to please sign it. I got a phone call from his office wanting more information from me. I thought that maybe you would consider letting this list know about this so that interested Louisiana citizens can also contact the Governor's office requesting that he sign it. There is strength in numbers. Anyone doing so should ask to please sign the "Executive Council on Marriage" and support longer waiting periods and mandatory counseling for all divorcing couples. Here is how to contact Governor Foster: By email: http://www.gov.state.la.us/contact/contact2.htm By snail mail: Office of the Governor Attn: Constituent Services P.O. Box 94004 Baton Rouge, LA 70804-9004 By Telephone: (225) 342-0991 Thank you, Michele Gauthier Metairie, LA MicheleG1018 at aol.com ***************** LOVE HORMONES: Diane, The Alchemy of Love and Lust by Theresa L. Crenshaw, M.D. describes all the hormones in detail and is a useful book for those interested in the biochemistry of emotions. Rita DeMaria ********************* CBS: FOCUS ON COUPLES Another sign of the times: check out the collection of stories from CBS News that focus on couples and on the "mystery that is love." You might find some illustrations to use in your teaching - or in your own romance. http://www.cbsnews.com/now/story/0,1597,275276-412,00.shtml ************************** DNA TESTING REPLY Hi Diane - Thanks for circulating the NY Times article on paternity fraud. Attached was my response to the Times. Regards, Neil To the Editor: Thank you for the well-researched report on paternity fraud ("In Genetic Testing for Paternity, Law Often Lags Behind Science," Mar. 11). The practical, and compassionate, solution to the problem is automatic paternity testing at birth, or even earlier. This is the only way to prevent the hard issues that arise when fraud is uncovered years after a father and child have grown to love each other deeply. Sincerely, Neil Steyskal Washington DC **************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Mon Mar 12 14:45:26 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 14:45:26 -0500 Subject: Miserable marriages can make you sick - 3/12/01 Message-ID: subject: Miserable marriages can make you sick - 3/12/01 from: Smart Marriages 03/12/2001 - Miserable marriages can make you sick By Marilyn Elias, USA TODAY MONTEREY, Calif. ? Is it really so nice to have a man around the house? Yes and no. A happy marriage apparently helps protect women from strokes and heart attacks after menopause, when their risk rises sharply. But a miserable match also makes its mark, as seen on ultrasound scans of carotid arteries and the aorta, by putting women at much higher risk for dying of cardiovascular disease, a scientist reported over the weekend. The new findings may shed light on why marriage is shown to benefit women's health in some studies but not in others. Wives typically are grouped together, the happily and unhappily wed, and "that obscures the relationship between marriage and health," says Wendy Troxel, a researcher at the University of Pittsburgh, who presented her findings at the American Psychosomatic Society meeting here. In her study with psychologist Karen Matthews, 490 women were followed from premenopausal years in their 40s to at least five years after menopause. About three-quarters were married. Each married woman was asked how satisfied she was with several areas of her marriage. Blood pressure, body mass index and cholesterol levels also were checked. After menopause, the women all got body scans that look for early signs of cardiovascular disease. Among major findings: ? Before menopause, the unhappily married were significantly worse off on heart disease risk factors such as high blood pressure and cholesterol than either the happily wed or single women. ? After menopause, happily married women had the best cardiovascular health, as seen on body scans. ? Single women were significantly worse off, and so were women in unhappy marriages. "Women might think they're shrugging off a miserable relationship, but their body feels it," Troxel says. Apart from stress-induced rises in blood pressure, "we have to ask if they're gaining weight or not exercising because the marriage is so stressful," she says. The new findings don't surprise Ohio State University psychologist Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, whose studies have shown that verbal conflicts in marriage upset women more than men and also lead them to become ill more often than their partners. "Women are much more physically responsive to interactions in marriage," Kiecolt-Glaser says. "They remember the arguments in detail, and they also remember the positive exchanges more vividly than men." ?????????? To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 13:38:25 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 13:38:25 -0500 Subject: Arkansas House passes Covenant Marriage legislation - 3/13/01 Message-ID: subject: Arkansas House passes Covenant Marriage legislation - 3/13/01 from: Smart Marriages MICHAEL ROWETT AND MICHAEL R. WICKLINE ARKANSAS DEMOCRAT-GAZETTE The Arkansas House of Representatives approved a bill Monday that would allow couples to enter into a "covenant marriage," a concept aimed at curbing divorce. After an hour of debate, a 57-37 vote sent House Bill 2039 by Rep. Russ Hunt, R-Searcy, to the Senate. Backed by Gov. Mike Huckabee, the measure would require agreeing couples to sign a contract permitting a judge to grant a divorce only in specific cases and only if they first receive marriage counseling. Huckabee, who was a Baptist minister before he entered politics, has said his goal is to reduce Arkansas' divorce rate by half during the next decade. If HB2039 becomes law, Arkansas would join Arizona and Louisiana as states that have such laws. Statistics show that about 3 percent of couples in those two states participate in the program. Hunt and other proponents of HB2039 said it could help reduce the rate of divorce in Arkansas, which, according to recent statistics, is topped only by rates in Nevada and Tennessee. "Statistics show that 75 percent of children in divorced homes live below the poverty level," said Hunt, the governor's floor leader in the House. "It's a significant public policy interest for us to stop [divorce]." Arkansas' rate was 6.4 divorces per 1,000 people in 1998, declining from a peak of 7.6 per 1,000 people in 1992. Divorce has become more accessible in recent decades. Before the 1960s, Arkansas' laws generally required the consent of both spouses or proof of fault, such as adultery, to divorce. Hunt stressed the optional nature of whether to enter into a covenant marriage contract. "We're not mandating anything, folks," he said. Opponents of HB2039 said the state has no business involving itself in the preservation of marriages. "I hate divorce and believe that God hates divorce," said Rep. Don House, D-Walnut Ridge. "Nonetheless, the Legislature is not a church, and the Legislature can't even preach. This a fundamental matter I believe belongs with the husband and wife, in the home and in the church, and not in the state Legislature." HB 2039 includes these provisions for covenant marriages: <<...OLE_Obj...>> Couples agree that "only when there has been a complete and total breach of the marital covenant commitment may a party seek a declaration that the marriage is no longer legally recognized." <<...OLE_Obj...>> Prerequisites for signing the contract are premarital counseling discussing the obligations in covenant marriage and signing an affidavit that they understand the grounds that would govern dissolving the marriage under the covenant marriage arrangement. <<...OLE_Obj...>> Couples may enter into a covenant marriage by declaring their intent to do so on their marriage license application and executing a declaration of intent to do so under the terms specified in HB2039. The contract states that, before seeking a divorce, the couple, if they experience difficulties, commit themselves "to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling." <<...OLE_Obj...>> Those who have signed a covenant marriage may be granted a divorce within the usual 30-day period only upon proof of adultery, commission of a felony that led to imprisonment or the death penalty or physical or sexual abuse of the spouse seeking the divorce or a child of one of the spouses. Divorces also could be granted if the spouses have been separated for a period of two years without reconciliation if there are no children produced by the marriage or two and a half years if there are children ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 14:30:48 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 14:30:48 -0500 Subject: Mate influences blook pressure - 3/13/01 Message-ID: subject: Mate influences blook pressure - 3/13/01 from: Smart Marriages Mate influences blood pressure By Marilyn Elias, USA TODAY MONTEREY, Calif. ? A happy marriage may be good medicine for people with mild hypertension, and a bad marriage apparently can drive their blood pressure up over time, a Toronto researcher reported. The study followed 103 couples, each with one mildly hypertensive spouse, to see whether their marriages affect blood pressure. Those with mild high blood pressure have a diastolic (bottom) reading of slightly over 90. Blood pressure readings were taken at the start, and participants reported how much contact they had with their mates on a typical workday. Spouses also filled out questionnaires about their marriages. Three years later, the checks on blood pressure and marital contact were repeated. One big surprise: The happily married were spending nearly twice as much time together on an average workday as three years earlier, says Brian Baker of the University of Toronto Medical School. And contact in these good marriages seemed to help a mate's hypertension. Blood pressure fell by 6 points on average. Spouses in unhappy marriages were spending just a few minutes more together every day, but this contact was bad for their health. More time together correlated with higher blood pressure. Overall, the mildly hypertensive in unhappy marriages had blood pressure 6 points higher three years later. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 14:48:58 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 14:48:58 -0500 Subject: A Married Man is a Healthy Man, study finds - 3/8/01 In-Reply-To: Message-ID: subject: A Married Man is a Healthy Man, study finds - 3/8/01 from: Smart Marriages > A Married Man Is A Healthy > Man, Study Finds > By Suzanne Rostler > http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20010308/hl/married_1.html > 3-8-1 > > > NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Men who become widowed or divorced may lose > more than a spouse. They are also likely to give up a range of health > habits that help protect against disease and early death, results of a > study suggest. > > The findings, which are scheduled to be presented this week at the annual > meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society in Monterey, California, show > that recently divorced and widowed men eat fewer vegetables, drink more > alcohol, and are less likely to quit smoking than their married > counterparts. > > The study results support the idea that marriage is good for men. Research > has shown, for instance, that divorced men are more likely to drink, smoke, > commit suicide, develop Alzheimer's disease, and die prematurely. > > In the current trial of nearly 30,000 men, vegetable intake declined by > more than three servings per week in men following the death of a spouse, > and nearly two servings per week after a divorce. > > Divorced men were also more likely to smoke than their married peers but > those who remarried were likely to quit, findings show. Widowed men were > more likely than married men to drink heavily--more than 21 drinks a week. > > It is not clear from the study why widowers or newly single men may be more > lax when it comes to their health, but study co-author Dr. Ichiro Kawachi > speculates that women have a salutary effect on men. > > ``Women in general are much better at keeping doctor and dentist > appointments. And there may be an unequal distribution of cooking tasks at > home...even though most women are also working in paid jobs,'' said > Kawachi, from Harvard School of Public Health in Boston, Massachusetts. > > Indeed, newly single men also increased their consumption of fried foods > outside the home. > > Kawachi said that doctors should be aware of their male patients' marital > status and inquire about changes when their health habits begin to slip. > > According to an earlier study, divorce or marital separation more than > doubled the risk of suicide in men but was unrelated to suicide risks in > women. Another study linked lower blood pressure in men with social support > from a spouse. > > > > From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 16:45:38 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 16:45:38 -0500 Subject: Married couples healthier & happier than singles - 3/01 Message-ID: subject: Married couples healthier & happier than singles - 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Two articles, don't miss the second one on bachelors and depression. ISSUE 2109 Sunday 4 March 2001 Electronic London Telegraph Url for links to lots of great articles on marriage and relationships: http://www.telegraph.co.uk:80/et?ac=003864436460684&rtmo=kCCxoNJp&atmo=rrrrr rrq&pg=/et/01/3/4/nhap04.html Married couples happier than 'mid-life' singles By Martin Bentham, Social Affairs Correspondent AN increasing number of single people have a lonely "monastic" life that leaves them less happy than married couples, according to a new report. In contrast to the notion that most unattached adults enjoy a carefree way of life similar to that of the television character Ally McBeal, dominated by socialising and romance, the report, by Mintel, warns that the majority of singles lead mundane lives in which drinking, dating and recreation play only a minor part. This is particularly the case as they become older, with one in four of "mid-life" singles, those aged 35 and above, admitting that they have not had a relationship in the past five years. Only five per cent of this age group say that they are still able to meet a wide range of new partners. The prospects for romance are better for younger singles but, even among those in their twenties, 10 per cent say that they have not had a relationship for five years. Similarly, while a quarter of singles aged between 20 and 24 claim to "play the field", with a succession of new lovers, this figure drops sharply to just 13 per cent for those aged 25 to 34. Time spent in bars, cinemas and on foreign holidays also declines significantly as single people become older, with socialising taking place more often in friends' homes or, sometimes, not at all. Emma Besbrode, the author of the report, which was based on a study of 1,175 single people and nearly 2,000 couples, said the findings showed that the belief that singles could continue to enjoy a fun-filled, carefree existence indefinitely was mistaken. In fact, most single people behaved more like their peers, with those in their thirties and forties living lives which differed little from the existence enjoyed by married or co-habiting couples of similar age. Furthermore, even though single people did not have to cope with the pressures of raising young children, the research found that they were less happy than couples with family commitments. Only 49 per cent of older singles said that they felt happier than they were five years ago, compared with 61 per cent of couples. Nearly one in three said that they were less happy, compared with just 18 per cent of their peers who were living with a partner. Younger singles were also less likely than couples to say they were happier than five years ago, although the difference is less marked. Ms Besbrode said: "There is a view that marriage and relationships are stressful, not least because of the demands of raising a family, and that those who are single enjoy a better life. But this research doesn't support that. "It's people who are in relationships and have got domestic responsibilities who are more likely to say that they feel happy." The report states that the priority for single people, both young and old, is having close friends. A good job and financial security come next in importance, with holidays, money to spend and a good social network also rated highly. Holidays, however, play a less important role in singles' lives than they do for couples, although those who have been married in the past are particularly keen on going abroad, which, Mintel suggests, is "because they are missing the family holidays that they had before they became single again". Young singles attend the cinema more than couples, but this reverses for those in their thirties and forties. This is because "cinema going becomes a family activity" for couples, whereas singles may struggle to find someone to go with. ************************ BACHELORS & DEPRESSION: http://www.rense.com/general8/sec.htm Bachelors 9 Times More Likely To Have Severe Depression 2--24-1 More than a few Americans have complained, at one time or another, that workplace stress was driving them crazy. However, when researchers from the Johns Hopkins University School of Public Health recently set out to investigate the effects of employment stress on mental health, they stumbled across a very different kind of threat to mental well-being, a threat linked to a single lifestyle often depicted as carefree and glamorous. In psychosocial data collected from 905 men and women employed full-time between 1993 and 1996, the Johns Hopkins team saw what they expected-a strong linkage between "high job strain" and depression. They also uncovered something they had not expected: namely, clear evidence that single living strongly predicts mental distress. Indeed, the authors of the new study found that among the employed men in their study, marital status was "the most important factor" for predicting all three forms of depression analyzed. The likelihood of a "major depressive episode" ran an astounding nine times higher (Odds Ratio of 8.98) among the unmarried men than among the married men in the study. Among women, "not being married also increased the odds ratio for the association with depression," although less dramatically than among men. Still, when looking at "dysphoria" (one of the forms of depression of interest to the researchers), the Johns Hopkins scholars discovered that among the women in the study "not being married had a higher odds ratio than high psychologic job strain" (3.11 vs. 2.88). For the whole study sample (men and women), "marital status and age had a stronger association with depressive syndrome than did high physical job strain." Obviously, merely improving the workplace environment will not eliminate psychological problems among men and women facing life at home without a spouse. ************************** To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Tue Mar 13 16:59:35 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Tue, 13 Mar 2001 16:59:35 -0500 Subject: Providers?/Marriage Ed around the planet/Kids of Divorce web site! Message-ID: subject: Providers?/Marriage Ed around the planet/Kids of Divorce web site! from: Smart Marriages I know it's not easy to confuse Scott Stanley, so I'd better share this response with the whole list. In a message dated 3/11/2001 12:25:50 PM Mountain Standard Time, cmfce at his.com writes: << "The premarital education must be provided by a licensed or ordained minister or the minister's designee," >> Diane, i'm a tad confused. this is terrific, but does it mean that a licensed mental health person can't do it (in accordance with the law)? only religious? i like this a lot, but was wondering if it really was exclusive the other way. Scott Stanley Sorry for this confusion! The various state's marriage education legislation bills all include licensed mental health professionals. Then the bills go on to list those who would also be included - in addition to - the mental health professionals. These include clergy or religious institution representatives (which would include lay educators and marriage mentors), family life educators, cooperative extension instructors, and/or other lay educators who have taken training and who register w/ the marriage licensing offices. All providers have to apply to be listed with the state as providers and include information about their qualifications and training. - diane **************** ARP'S ON FOCUS ON THE FAMILY: Diane, We just recorded an interview with Dr. James Dobson on The Second Half of Marriage that will air on their broadcast April 2nd and 3rd. We're getting ready to go to Ukraine (March 29-April 10th) to do some marriage training for the American General Baptist denomination. Guess this will be part of Dave & Claudia's most excellent adventure. Claudia Arp www.marriagealive.com Many of our Smart Marriages presenters are teaching marriage education around the globe. George Doub has upcoming Family Wellness trainings in Germany and Italy. For info contact him at familywell at aol.com or at www.familywellness.com Steven Stosny is currently teaching Compassion Workshops for anger and violence management in Singapore and Australia www.compassionpower.com *************** STEPFAMILY RESOURCES: Diane, Wade Horn's article about stepfamilies was very good. Please tell your readers that the Stepfamily Association of America can provide information, education, support and advocacy for stepfamilies and the professionals who serve them. Information is one phone call or web click away: (800) 735-0329 and Margorie Engle, President of SAA *************** LEGAL KIDS, CANADA: My name is Clayton Giles. I am fourteen years old. I started Legal Kids to give children of divorce, like myself, a place to interact. But Legal Kids has now become a voice for change. On January 1, 2001, I went on a hunger strike which lasted nineteen days. This caused a great deal of commotion, with kids and adults everywhere becoming involved . . . All I wanted was for my dad to have custody of me. I had run away to his home a year before, but my mother still had custody. Prior to that, I had not seen my dad for three years, because my right to access was taken away from me. But every time my dad and I went to court to get the custody changed, we were told to come back later. Finally, after ten months, I had had enough. I wrote a letter to the court. They ignored me. So I went on the hunger strike. There was a lot of media coverage of my strike which I did not anticipate. I picketed every day in front of the courthouse. I received emails and telephone calls from all over the world. Thousands of people logged onto my web site, signed my guest book, or sent me emails. On the 12th day, Social Services got involved and there was the possibility that they would take me away at any time and force feed me. Meanwhile I existed on water, grape juice, and Gatorade . . . In April I will start a journey. It will take me to Ottawa and on to Washington DC Along the way I will collect stories and signatures from kids and parents who support the right of children of divorce to have access to both parents, and for those same children to have a say in any proceedings that affect their access to either parent. Kids seldom have any control of their lives when their parents divorce. We become property to be awarded to the parent whom the court favors. The parents get the courts to favor them by spending large sums of money on lawyers and psychologists just at the time when this money is needed to support a family which now has two households and double the expenses. In the end, the money that our parents could have spent on our family goes elsewhere. My goal is to make everyone aware that kids are humans, not property, and that we deserve to be heard at the same time as our parents. This means that what is good for our parents is not automatically good for us. It means that we want a say in what happens to us when our family breaks up. Just because kids can't explain exactly why we want something, doesn't mean that we don't know what we want. We want to be happy. What makes us happy is maximum contact with both parents regardless of what those parents think about each other. Is that so complicated? http://legalkids.com/ ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Wed Mar 14 19:41:41 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 19:41:41 -0500 Subject: Violence/Indiana Covenant/Business for Sale/Nervous Breakdowns Message-ID: subject: Violence/Indiana Covenant/Business for Sale/Nervous Breakdowns 3/01 from: Smart Marriages Domestic Violence//Indiana Covenant//Continuum of Care//Divorce Ed Business for Sale//Divorce and Nervous Breakdowns//Kids & Tough Issues Campaign DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: I will be teaching a one month special topics course this summer on domestic violence. It will be primarily geared toward upper level undergraduate students. I have been going back and forth on whether to have a course pack and/or a text. I am writing to inquire about any recommended texts for the course. Ideally I would like to cover both prevention and intervention efforts around DV. Given the undergraduate population and the one month time frame (5 days/2 hrs a day) any thoughts/recommendations? Your help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance. Michael You might begin with the overview of U.S. domestic violence treatment programs done by Esquire a few months back. It looks at DV politics and programs available. Good for a course pack. You can find it at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/men.explode.stosny.html There is more available about the program found to be most effective at www.compassionpower.com Also, there is a two-day training at the 2001 Smart Marriages conference that certifies trainers to present the Compassion Power workshops and includes course materials. ******************* INDIANA WORKING ON COVENANT MARRIAGE LEGISLATION: Des Moines Register By Register Staff Report 03/14/2001 Committee OKs bill on covenant marriage A proposed covenant-marriage law, making divorce more difficult for couples who choose that option, cleared its first hurdle in the Legislature on Tuesday. The Senate State Government Committee voted 7-4 in favor of a bill giving couples the choice of designating their marriage a covenant marriage or following existing law. The bonds of the new type of marriage would be more difficult to break than the typical marriage commitment. Divorce would be allowed only after a two-year separation, or at any time if a spouse establishes that adultery, abuse, abandonment or imprisonment of a spouse has ruined a relationship. Other conditions of the optional contract include 12 hours of premarital education, as well as counseling for couples whose marriages are in trouble. Supporters say the covenant marriage would strengthen families and could make a dent in the high divorce rate. Critics say the state should not get more deeply involved in marriage. The bill goes to the full Senate for more debate. *************** PUTTING THE COURSES TO WORK: Diane... I want to update you on the exciting applications we're making of the courses we've brought home from the Smart Marriages conference. We are have 43 registered for our next PREP workshop here at FBC Jacksonville. Also, Family Wellness begins on Monday nights in April. We continue to do marriage and family education through Third Option (Wednesday nights) as well as a pre-marital education course every Sunday morning for our engaged couples. We had 44 in the class last week. Prepare is a part of this process for marriage. The ideas shared about the effects of cohabitation also came in very useful yesterday as we had a couple who lives together wanting us to do their marriage. Our church took a stand on the sanctity of marriage and we worked out an arrangement for the couple to change some things in order to get the marriage started off the right way. We are working hard to undo the 70% divorce rate here in Jacksonville. See you in Orlando. Rick Marks, Ph.D. Note: Rick Marks is teaching a workshop at the Orlando conference on how to weave a continuum of care for congregations based on the courses taught at Smart Marriages. See session #713. ******************* DIVORCE EDUCATION PROGRAM FOR SALE: Diane, Do you know someone who may be interested in purchasing The Center for Divorce Education? My co-Director, Dr. Jack Arbuthnot, and I are retiring and want to do other things. This business is very successful, and sells divorce education videos and booklets to courts and social service agencies providing mandatory divorce education. These materials are considered among the best if not the best in the field. I'd love to see a buyer who wants to help children of divorce make better adjustments, and see parents cooperate more, as well as wanting to be well paid for their efforts. We have listed this on two websites that sell businesses: http://businessesforsale.com/em/bd.asp?b=101878 and http://www.BizBuySell.com Interested parties can contact Jack (arbuthno at ohio@edu) or me for more detailed information (gordon at ohio.edu). Thanks, Don Gordon This is one of the top programs for divorce education - got the highest rating in the overview. This is the program that's on CD Rom and which has presented at all the Smart Marriages conferences. Has great research and is rated best at preventing readjudication of custody, support etc issues. And guess it must make money.....he's sure retiring young! Also, the field of mandatory divorce education is growing. It's now in half the jurisdictions in the country and is moving round the world.- diane ****************** REALTIONSHIP PROBLEMS AND NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS: Americans on Edge, Study Finds Health24News Alina Mesenbourg WASHINGTON, D.C.--More Americans are nearing the edge of a nervous breakdown, according to a new study. The study, by Indiana University researchers, found that the percentage of Americans who said they'd been close to a breakdown rose from 19 percent in 1957 to 26 percent in 1996. According to the study, which surveyed 1,444 Americans, the causes of near-nervous breakdowns among Americans have also changed in the last three decades years. The study reported that the majority of participants in the 1957 survey said health problems led them to feel close to a breakdown. In 1996, the most frequently cited causes were relationship problems, including divorce, separation and marital strains. ******************** TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT TOUGH ISSUES: Another reason to have parents around! Kids Ready to Talk About Today's Tough Issues Before Their Parents Are: Sex, AIDS, Violence, Drugs, and Alcohol New National Survey Finds That Kids In Families Who Talk Openly About Sex and Relationships Are More Likely to Say They Would Turn to Their Parent First if Faced with A Crisis FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE MARCH 1, 1999 Contacts: Tina Hoff or Ashley Koff, Kaiser Family Foundation, (650) 854-9400 Verna? Graham or Stella Richardson, Children Now, (510) 763-2444 The "big talk" is bigger than ever with kids wanting to know much more from their parents than just the "birds-and-the-bees." A new survey of parents and kids ages 10-15 conducted by the Kaiser Family Foundation and Children Now, as part of a national initiative called Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, finds that many families are still waiting too long and not talking enough when it comes to what their kids say they need to know. What may surprise many parents is that the issues they are not talking about-as well as even some they feel they have already talked about-are what their kids want to know more about. High on a list of topics 10-12 year olds say they personally want more information about are: How to protect against HIV/AIDS (50% of kids want more information); What to do if someone brings a gun to school (50% of kids want more information); How to handle pressure to have sex (44% of kids want more information); How to know when you are ready to have sex (43% of kids want more information); and How alcohol and drugs might affect decisions to have sex (43% of kids want more information). "The Big Talk(s)" About Today's Tough Issues When parents sit down today with their children to have the "big talk" the subject matter usually covers topics their own parents never imagined. (And, for that matter, it shouldn't just be a single conversation, say experts). At least three out of four parents of 10-12 year olds say they have talked with their pre-teen about drugs or alcohol (90%); violence (85%); drinking and driving (82%); AIDS (78%); and how girls get pregnant (73%). But, many parents of 10-12 year olds are steering clear of some of the more difficult conversations about sex, including: How to handle peer pressure to have sex (46% of parents have not discussed); How to know when you are ready to have sex (50% of parents have not discussed); How alcohol and drugs might affect decisions to have sex (46% of parents have not discussed); and How to prevent pregnancy and STDs (62% of parents have not discussed). "The 'big talk' isn't what it used to be. It now needs to be 'supersized,'" said Matt James, Senior Vice President, Kaiser Family Foundation. "When parents today talk with their kids about tough issues that means covering the basics, plus a whole lot more." Experts say that kids benefit when their parents talk early and often with them about "tough issues." For the 57% of parents of 10-15 year olds who have talked openly with their children about sex, including relationships and becoming sexually active, there is some encouraging news. The survey found their kids were more likely than those whose parents had not talked with them to report going first to a parent ... If they were dealing with pressure to have sex (72% of 10-15 year olds who talked with their parents vs. 57% who did not); If they were thinking about having sex (67% of 10-15 year olds who talked with their parents vs. 51% who did not); and If they were worried about being or having gotten someone pregnant (66% of 13-15 year olds who talked with their parents vs. 49% who did not). The Competition According to the survey, pre-teens name their mothers as one of their top sources when it comes to sex, AIDS, violence, drugs and alcohol. But, even among 10-12 year olds, television/movies are already tied with moms and schools/teachers as a place where kids say they get "a lot" of their information (all named by 38%). Fathers come in a close second (34%). When kids enter the teen years, the competition heats up with friends (64%) and television/movies (61%) becoming much more dominant influences in their lives. Schools and teachers rank third (44%) and mothers are fifth (38%), just below the Internet (39%). "Parents have a powerful window of opportunity if they talk with their children early and often," said Lois Salisbury, President, Children Now. "The Talking With Kids About Tough Issues campaign encourages parents to use everyday activities, including TV programs, events at school and issues with friends, as talk opportunities." The Talking With Kids About Tough Issues Campaign This survey was conducted as part of Talking With Kids About Tough Issues, a national campaign to support parents by the Kaiser Family Foundation, a national independent health care philanthropy (not associated with Kaiser Permanente), and Children Now, a non-partisan voice for America's children. A special report on the survey results appears in the April 1st issue of Family Circle, which contributed to the development of the survey. Talking With Kids About Tough Issues encourages and helps parents talk with their kids earlier and more often about topics such as sex, AIDS, violence, alcohol and drugs. The campaign provides direct assistance to parents with free booklets and other resources that are available by calling 1-800-CHILD 44, or online at http://www.talkingwithkids.org . A new series of public service messages encouraging family talks, produced by J. Walter Thompson New York under an Ad Council initiative, will begin airing around the country in March. Additionally, the April 1st issue of Family Circle includes an 8-page Talking With Kids booklet as a pull-out for its readers. For more information call: Andrea Miller or Susan Lamontagne at Media Strategies, Inc. (212) 260-1520. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, director, only. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 15 22:52:13 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 22:52:13 -0500 Subject: IOWA - not Indiana/Monitoring Covenants/Nebraska Marriage Movement/schools/ Message-ID: subject: IOWA - not Indiana/Monitoring Covenants/Nebraska/schools/ from: Smart Marriages IOWA - not Indiana//Monitoring Covenants//Nebraska Marriage Movement//school curricula/ ********** IOWA, Not INDIANA! Diane, Is this a typo? Why would the Des Moines (IOWA) newspaper be reporting about the Indiana State Senate committee actions? Confused in Ohio Dick Cronk At 07:41 PM 3/14/2001 -0500, you wrote: >******************* >INDIANA WORKING ON COVENANT MARRIAGE LEGISLATION: - wrong!! > Let's just say I knew it started with an "I" - I apologize to everyone in Iowa and in Indiana and on the list. And, thanks, to all of you who caught this. At least I know you're reading - and thinking! I grew up in Minnesota so I do know better, just a flawed filing cabinet in my head. - diane ****************** ARKANSAS COVENANT PROCESS: I just heard from Chris Pyle in Arkansas that covenant marriage legislation passed the House of Representatives on Monday evening and got a favorable Senate committee referral this week (to Senate Local and Municipal Affairs rather than Judiciary). I would suspect that Judiciary consists of many lawyers, some of whom practice family law. Apparently, Iowa just passed the first hurdle--out of committee. But let's pay attention this time to see who and what stops the bills. I think we might discover a pattern that needs exposure. Katherine Spaht ******************** SCHOOL/YOUTH CURRICULA: Good afternoon! Can you please tell me where I can find out what textbooks are being used in the Florida schools for their required high school course in relationships and marriage? Also, do you know where I can find similar textbook information for other schools across the country? Thank you very much for your help! Jerry Go to the web site (www.smartmarriages.com) and click on School/Youth programs. All the curricula & workbooks are available there. These are used across the country. You'll also find articles and info there. Also, an overview of all the programs will be presented at the Smart Marriages conference - all day Monday June 25th - and it's FREE. - diane ******************** NEBRASKA - MOVING BEYOND INITIATIVE 416 Published Monday March 5, 2001 in the Omaha World-Herald Another Point of View: Of Threats to Marriage, Divorce Is the Worst BY DAN PARSONS This column is in response to a Feb. 23 editorial, 'The Marriage Amendment Unmasked'. The writer is executive director of the Lincoln-based organization Family First. Marriage continues to generate heated debate here in Nebraska. Much like last fall's seemingly endless presidential election, some seem to want to relive the debate over Initiative 416. Everyone remembers 416, last November's ballot question: Should Nebraska's Constitution define marriage as between one man and one woman? With more than 70 percent of voters voting for Initiative 416, it was the biggest public-policy mandate from Nebraskans for the entire election cycle. Nebraskans agree that traditional marriage is worth protecting. Well, Family First is now moving forward with a much broader discussion of how to renew a culture of marriage in our state. We understand that defending marriage is more than rejecting civil unions and counterfeit marriages; it's about curbing divorce and strengthening the foundation of our society. Following the petition effort by another pro-family organization to place Initiative 416 on the November ballot, I became chairman of the Nebraska Coalition for the Protection of Marriage, which worked for the passage of Initiative 416 via a professional media, direct-mail and grass-roots campaign. This coalition was broad-based and included people with a variety of religious, political and cultural points of view. Since the overwhelming success of Initiative 416, I have turned my attention to the topic of marriage, with the Marriage Matters in Nebraska Project. The basic mission of this project is to preserve marriage and discourage divorce in Nebraska. Scientific evidence shows that married couples are healthier, happier and more prosperous. Divorce still devastates about one-half of all American homes. In the last decade, more than 64.000 Nebraska children have been affected by divorce, a number far greater than the third-largest city in Nebraska. Since the onset of no-fault divorce in the 1970s, divorce has remained the single most threatening factor to the family. Following Initiative 416 and leading into the Marriage Matters in Nebraska Project, I've often commented that, compared to divorce, the threat of homosexual marriage is "minuscule." I characterize such cultural threats to marriage in terms of their current prevalence, not their innate power to destroy. And I stand behind my characterization. And judging from the results of our online poll, many people agree with us. This unscientific poll showed that 65 percent of participants believed that divorce was more destructive to marriage in the last 30 years than cohabitation and the homosexual agenda. Twenty-five percent cited cohabitation, and only 8 percent found the homosexual agenda to be the most destructive. The epidemic of divorce is in full bloom and tears at the very fabric from which our society is woven. The threat of gay marriage to this fabric is perhaps equally great but as of yet is relatively undeveloped. Nebraskans were wise enough to curb this threat before the effects were far-reaching. The idea that homosexuality currently does not pose as great a threat to family values as does divorce is not novel; it's simply fact. William Bennett, editor of "The Book of Virtues," noted in a 1994 speech that "if you look in terms of damage done to the children of America, you cannot compare what the homosexual movement has done to what divorce has done to this society." Glenn Stanton, former policy advisor for Dr. James Dobson at Focus on the Family and author of "Why Marriage Matters: Reasons to Believe in Marriage in Postmodern Society," agrees with Bennett's claim that nothing else devastates children like divorce. In the June 2000 edition of Citizen magazine, Stanton wrote that "the acceptance of divorce by our culture and the church has done damage at a far deeper level. Divorce redefines marriage!" It's easy to point to future threats to the family, and it's easy to bellyache about the decline of family values. But without some type of forward-looking plan of action, it's just an exercise in expelling hot air. Like our parent organization, Focus on the Family, Family First's focus is the family. At the core of the family is marriage. As such, our staff and supporters will continue to look forward and use our time and resources to encourage family and marriage. ************************** Copyright ? 2001 CMFCE. All rights reserved. To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address, visit http://www.smartmarriages.com Click Newsletter. Enter your address in the appropriate box and proceed. This is a moderated list. This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 5th Annual Smart Marriages/June 19 - 26, 2001 in Orlando. See web for details. List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332 cmfce at smartmarriages.com -- From cmfce at his.com Thu Mar 15 22:52:50 2001 From: cmfce at his.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?B?qQ==?=) Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 22:52:50 -0500 Subject: Marrying Well - 3/7/01 - great review of The Case for Marriage Message-ID: subject: Marrying Well - 3/7/01 - great review of The Case for Marriage from: Smart Marriages Note: Linda Waite will present a keynote at the Smart Marriages Orlando conference. BOOK REVIEW FROM CHRISTIANITY TODAY: Marrying well The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially By Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher. Doubleday, 256 pp., $24.95 Recently Time magazine published a cover article titled "Who Needs a Husband?" It chronicled, if not celebrated, the trend of women "flying solo"--never getting married, and even learning to like their single state. The article reported that currently 40 percent of all adult females are single, up from 30 percent in 1960. In 1960, 83 percent of all women between 25 and 55 were married; today, that figure has dropped to 65 percent. Are women panicked by such statistics? Apparently not the women interviewed by Time. These women say that they are enjoying their space, their freedom, their ability "to be themselves," their money, their travels, their friends and, indeed, sex with some of those friends. Many still want to marry, but only if the right man comes along. The Time article makes it seem that the majority of single women are living the life depicted in Sex and the City, HBO's hit series about single women in the fast lane. The article's portrait of single life is consistent with the recent report on singles from the Rutgers University National Marriage Project called "Sex without Strings, Relationships without Rings." The Time essay quotes Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, one of the report's authors: "The reality is that marriage is now the interlude and singlehood the state of affairs." Of all the reasons it gives for why women are marrying less, Time does not include one of the most common--the belief, popularized 30 years ago by sociologist Jessie Bernard, that marriage is a bad deal for women. And it turns out this is one of those social science factoids that is being contradicted by new research, including that presented by sociologist Linda Waite and journalist Maggie Gallagher. Waite broke ground on this subject in her 1995 presidential address before the Population Association of America, when she argued that marriage pays off in big ways. Married people live longer, are healthier, have fewer heart attacks and other diseases, have fewer problems with alcohol, behave in less risky ways, have more sex--and more satisfying sex--and become much more wealthy than single people. There was one exception to this rosy picture: cohabiting couples do have more frequent sex. But they enjoy it less. And single women--how do they fare? Not as well as Time implies. When one examines the big picture and the large data sets that sociologists love to analyze, married women come out far ahead of women who have never married or who are divorced. True, marriage is still slightly better for men than for women, but it is a much better deal for women than Jessie Bernard led people to believe. Waite and Gallagher's book is neither theological nor philosophical. It never defines marriage or traces its origins and development in Western society and thought. This is a book about data--lots of it--on the consequences of marriage. Take health: mortality rates are 50 percent higher for unmarried women and 250 percent higher for unmarried men than they are for married women and men. Married surgical patients are less likely to die than the unmarried. Of men matched in every respect except marital status, nine out of ten married men who were alive at age 48 made it to 65; only six out of ten bachelors lived to the usual retirement age. Nine out of ten married women alive at age 45 made it to 65, while only eight of ten unmarried women did. The selection effect--that is, the likelihood that healthier people get married and less healthy people don't--explains some of the difference, but not all. According to Waite and Gallagher, the evidence shows that married people start practicing healthier lifestyles after they marry. "Researchers find that the married have lower death rates, even after taking initial health status into account. Even sick people who marry live longer than their counterparts who don't." Marriage is also better for your health because married people take more responsibility for one another even than those who cohabit. They nag each other more, remind their partners of appointments and take care of each other when sick. Marriage also generally reduces stress and boosts the immune system. What about sex? Many people believe that marriage dampens the sex life, and for some it doubtless does. But most married couples have much better sex and more of it than singles. According to a University of Chicago National Sex Survey, 43 percent of married men reported having sex at least twice a week, while only 1.26 percent of single men not cohabiting had sex that often. Single men were 20 times more likely to be celibate than married men. Familiarity does not dampen sexual ardor; indeed, Waite and Gallagher argue that marriage facilitates sexual activity. Sex is easier for married couples. Any single "act of sex costs them less in time, money and psychic energy. For the married, sex is more likely to happen because it is so easy to arrange and so compatible with the rest of their day to day life." According to the survey, cohabiting men and women made love, on average, one more time per month than married couples. But cohabiting couples are less satisfied with their sex lives: 50 percent of married men and 42 percent of married women find sex physically and emotionally satisfying, while only 39 percent of cohabiting men and 39 percent of cohabiting women do. The greater wealth of married people may be the most interesting set of statistics. After all, isn't marriage expensive? Isn't it true that many couples say they "can't afford" to get married? And aren't children expensive, robbing couples of the discretionary income that might be spent on fancy vacations or high-yield mutual funds? Some singles may do better financially, but on the whole married couples accumulate more wealth. They invest in real estate more readily, they save for the future and of course they enjoy economies of scale. "On the day they married, " write Waite and Gallagher, "Cathy made about $25,000 a year and Doug, $34,000. Marriage made them both instantly better off financially. Together they made almost double what each enjoyed previously, but now they only had to pay for one apartment, one utility bill, and they could split the labor needed to care for house and home." It takes only 1.5 times as much money to support two people living together as it would if they lived apart. Knowing this provides an additional temptation to cohabit. But cohabiting couples seldom accumulate wealth in the same way that married couples do. They are far more tentative about their relationship; less inclined to invest together in homes, stocks and furniture; and more likely to do such things as keep separate bank accounts and take separate vacations. On the verge of retirement, the typical married couple has accumulated a total of about $410,000--or $205,000 for each person--as compared to $167,000 for the never married, $154,000 for the divorced, $151,000 for the widowed and just under $96,000 for the separated. Since married households accumulate far more than twice the amount of any other households, something more is happening here than the simple aggregation of individual earnings. All this may be true, but isn't marriage really a "hitting license," an institution that sanctions violence by husbands against wives and children? Waite and Gallagher's discussion of the facts and politics of research on domestic violence is one of the most valuable contributions of this important book. It offers crucial insights on this issue that churches desperately need to hear and understand. The impression that the institution of marriage is a hotbed of violence is due to a simple yet profound confusion that runs through the social-science literature and most journalistic reports--the tendency to blur the distinction between marriage and other kinds of living arrangements such as cohabitation, dating and various informal sexual relationships. "Domestic violence is perhaps the only area in which social scientists casually use the term "husband" to mean any or all of the following: the man one is married to, the man one used to be married to, the man one lives with, the man one is merely having sex with, and/or the man one used to have sex with." When these distinctions are made, presently married men are proportionately far less violent than men in other relationships. As Waite and Gallagher pithily put it, "The research clearly shows that, outside of hying thee to a nunnery, the safest place for a woman to be is inside marriage." Here are some facts to consider: Wives are far less likely to be crime victims than single women. When all crimes are considered, single and divorced women are four to five times more likely to be victims. They are ten times more likely than wives to be victims of rape and three times more likely to be victims of aggravated assault. The national Crime Victimization Survey conducted by the U.S. Department of Justice reports that of all violent crimes against partners that occurred between 1979 and 1987, 65 percent were committed by boyfriends or ex-husbands. Husbands presently living with their wives committed 9 percent of these crimes. A redesigned study changed the statistics somewhat; 55 percent were committed by boyfriends, 31 percent by husbands and 14 percent by ex-husbands. Waite and Gallagher speculate that boyfriends and cohabiting men are more prone to violence because the two in such couples are le