Divorce Busting Newsetter - FREE - 6/16/01

[Smartmarriages ©]

subject: Divorce Busting Newsetter - FREE - 6/16/01

from: Smart Marriages

Here is another great FREE newsletter from Michele Weiner-Davis
who will present a keynote session on Saturday at Smart
Marriages - "Do You Wanna Make Up?" - and also will teach
her one-day preconference "Divorce Busting: Keeping Love
Alive!" training institute.  It's not too late to register.
You can do that on-site in Orlando for training institutes
or the conference. See address at end to subscribe to
this very helpful monthly newsletter.  - diane

**************** 
The Divorce Busting Newsletter  6-06-01
by Michele Weiner-Davis

Today's Topics

1. An excerpt from Michele's upcoming book, The Divorce Remedy -
 The Marriage Map

2. Information about the brand new interactive couples' video-
The Marriage Breatkthrough tm

3. Update about Breckenridge summer intensive

Hi again,
It's time for another newsletter.  Hope you're doing well and helping folks
stay on their solution-oriented tracks.  Here's the latest from The Divorce
Busting Center.  Have a good June.

Michele

Below is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, The Divorce Remedy: The Proven
Seven-Step Plan for Saving Your Marriage.  It will be published by Simon &
Schuster and available in early September. In addition to offering readers a
step-by-step guide for saving their marriages, it will address tough issues
such as infidelity, the depressed spouse, mid-life crises, sexual problems,
internet infidelity and so on.  Plus it includes many, many incredible
success stories from folks whose marriages were once teetering on the brink
of divorce.  

****************************************************************************
**

********
The Divorce Remedy
Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W

The Marriage Map
In the mid-seventies, author Gail Sheehy wrote a landmark book called
Passages.  Although studies on child development were exhaustive at that
time (We knew about the "Terrible Two's" and the dreaded teenage years), no
one really knew what happened to adults once they hit age eighteen. Did
emotional, psychological, intellectual, and spiritual development cease
after your eighteenth birthday? Gail Sheehy thought not. Sheehy showed us
how people of all ages continue to grow, change and develop and that they go
through predictable life crises and transitional stages.

Her book was very comforting.  In the same way that parents of two-year-olds
are comforted by the knowledge that a toddler's rebelliousness is
predictable and normal, soul-searching thirty-year-olds finally understood
their angst and recognized the universality of their feelings.   As we
passed through each developmental stage, we appreciated the permission
Sheehy granted us to feel okay about our internal and external struggles. We
learned that we were not alone.

As a long-time observer of relationships, I can tell you that, like people,
marriages also go through different developmental stages and predictable
crises.   Everyone is familiar with the infancy stage of marriage- the
infamous "honeymoon period"- but what happens after that?  Does marriage
have its equivalent to the "Terrible Two's" or the stormy teenage years?  In
fact, it does. But because people are unfamiliar with the emotional terrain,
the normal hills and valleys of marriage, these predictable transitional
periods are often misunderstood, causing over-reactions.  Those who manage
to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side
with greater love and commitment to their spouses.  That's why I want to
offer you a Marriage Map.

The marriage map is meant to give you a broad overview of the experiences
most couples have when they negotiate the marital terrain. As you read
through these stages and developmental passages, don't get too hung up on
the timetable.  Some couples move through these stages more quickly than
others, and some bypass certain stages entirely.   See if any of this sounds
familiar to you as you think about your own marriage and that of friends and
family.   

Stage One- Passion prevails
 Head over heels in love, you can't believe how
lucky you are to have met your one and only star-crossed lover. Everything
other than the relationship quickly fades into the background.  Much to your
amazement, you have so much in common: you enjoy the same hobbies, music,
restaurants and movies.  You even like each other's friends.  You can finish
each other's sentences.  When you pick up the phone to call your partner, he
or she is already on the line calling you.  You are completely in sync.
Everything is perfect, just the way you imagined it would be. When little,
annoying things pop up, they're dismissed and overlooked.

At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well being and
physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this romantic
period.  The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the
production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive
attitudes and heighten sexuality and sensuality.  You feel good in your
partner's presence and start to believe that he or she is bringing out the
best in you.  Depression sets in when you're apart.  There aren't enough
hours in the day to be together.  You never run out of things to say.
Never, never, have you felt this way before.  "It must be love," you tell
yourself.  While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to
commit to spending the rest of their lives together.  "And why not," you
reason, "we're perfect together." And marry, you do.

Unless you elope or opt for a simple, judge's chambers-style wedding, your
euphoria takes a temporary nosedive as you plan and execute your wedding.
Once you get past the superhuman challenges dealing with family politics and
hosting a modern-day wedding, your starry-eyed obsession with each other
re-emerges and takes you through the honeymoon period.   At last, you are
one.  You have committed your lives to each other forever- soul mates in the
eyes of God and the world.  And for a period of time, nothing could be more
glorious. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering
awakening; marriage isn't at all what you expected it to be.

Stage Two- What was I thinking?
In some ways, stage two is the most
difficult because it is here that you experience the biggest fall.  After
all, how many miles is it from bliss to disillusionment?  Millions.  What
accounts for this drastic change in perspective?  For starters, reality sets
in.  The little things start to bother you.  You realize that your spouse
has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet, leaves
magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, never wraps food
properly before it's put in the refrigerator and, to top things off, snoring
has become a way of life.  There are big things too.

Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now
realize that there are many, many differences between you.   Although you
share interests in hobbies, you disagree about how often you want to
participate in them.  You like the same kinds of restaurants, but you enjoy
eating out often while your partner prefers staying home and saving money.
Your tastes in music are compatible, but you prefer quiet time in the
evening while your mate enjoys blasting the stereo.  You have many common
friends, but you can't agree on which nights to see them.

You're confused about what's going on.  You wonder if an alien abducted your
partner and left you with this strange and complicated being, a person with
whom you can't agree on a single thing.  You argue about everything.  "Who
is this obstinate person I married,?" you ask yourself.  "What was I
thinking?"  You knew life wouldn't always be a bed of roses, but you never
thought all you'd get was a bed of thorns.  You figured that love would
carry you through the rough spots, but you didn't imagine there'd be times
you didn't feel love. You feel so disillusioned and you wonder if you made a
mistake. When you remind yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start
to understand the real meaning of eternity.

Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred
spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions.
For example, it is now that you decide whether and when to have children,
where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how
your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit in to your lives, and who will
do the cooking.  Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in
mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents.  So they spend the
next decade or so trying to "win" and get their partners to change, which
triggers stage three.

Stage Three- Everything would be great if you changed
In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of
looking at things, your spouse's way and your way, also known as the Right
Way.  Even if couples begin marriage with the enlightened view that there
are many valid perspectives on any given situation, they tend to develop
severe amnesia quickly.  And rather than brainstorm creative solutions,
couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are
wrong. That's because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to
define the marriage.   Do it my way, and the marriage will work, do it yours
and it won't.

When people are in this state of mind, they have a hard time understanding
why their spouses are so glued to their way of seeing things.  They assume
it must be out of stubbornness, spitefulness or a need to control.  What
they don't realize is that their spouses are thinking the same thing about
them! Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper and deeper.  Anger,
hurt and frustration fill the air.  Little or no attempt is made to see the
other person's point of view for fear of losing face or worse yet, losing a
sense of self.

Now is the time when many people face a fork in the marital road. They're
hurt and frustrated because their lives seems like an endless confrontation.
They don't want to go on this way.  Three choices become apparent.
Convinced they've tried everything, some people give up.  They tell
themselves they've fallen out of love or married the wrong person. Divorce
seems like the only logical solution.  Other people resign themselves to the
status quo and decide to lead separate lives. Ultimately, they live
unhappily ever after.  But there are still others who decide that it's time
to end the cold war and begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying
ways of interacting.  Although the latter option requires a major leap of
faith, those who take this leap are the fortunate ones because the best of
marriage is yet to come.

Stage Four- That's just the way s/he is
In stage four, we finally come to terms with the fact that we are never
going to see eye-to-eye with our partners about everything and we have to
figure out what we must do to live more peaceably. We slowly accept that no
amount of reasoning, begging, nagging, yelling, or threatening changes our
partners' minds.   We look to others for suggestions; we seek religious
counsel, talk to close friends and family, attend marital therapy, read
self-help books, or take a relationship seminar.  Those of us who are more
private look inward and seek solutions there.

We more readily forgive our spouses for their hardheadedness, and recognize
that we aren't exactly easy to live with either.  We dare to ask ourselves
whether there's something about our own behavior that could use shaping up.
When disagreements occur, we make more of an effort to put ourselves in our
partner's shoes and, much to our surprise, we have a bit more compassion and
understanding. We recognize that, as with everything in life, we have to
accept the good with the bad.  Fights happen less frequently and when they
occur, they're not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier years of
marriage.   We know how to push our partner's buttons and we consciously
decide not to. When we slip, we get better at making up because we remind
ourselves that life is short and very little is worth the pain of
disharmony. 

 We learn that when you've wronged your spouse, love means always having to
say you're sorry.  We mellow.  We let things roll off our back that might
have caused us to go to battle before.   We stop being opponents. We're
teammates again.  And because we're smart enough to have reached this stage,
we reap the benefits of the fifth, and final stage.

Stage Five- Together, at last
It is really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage
five, when all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to
pay off.   Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and
what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony.  Even if you
always have loved your spouse, you start to notice how much you are really
liking him or her again.  And then the strangest thing starts to happen.
You realize that the alien who abducted your spouse in stage two has been
kind enough to return him or her to you.  You are pleased to discover that
the qualities you saw in your partner so very long ago never really
vanished.  They were just camouflaged.  This renews your feelings of
connection.

By the time you reach stage five, you have a shared history.  And although
you'd both agree that marriage hasn't been easy, you can feel proud that
you've weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner's sense of
commitment and dedication to making your marriage last.  You also look back
and feel good about your accomplishments as a couple, a family and as
individuals. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin
to 
appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. And what you don't
appreciate, you find greater acceptance for.  You feel closer and more
connected.  If you have children, they're older and more independent,
allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days.  And you
start having "old day feelings" again.  You have come full circle.  The
feeling you were longing for during those stormy periods is back, at last.
You're home again.

About the marriage map
I'm certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow, they'd be more willing to tough it out through
the downpour.  The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking
that whatever stage they are in at the moment, is where they will be
forever.  That can be a depressing thought when you're in the midst of hard
times. And in marriage, there are lots hard times- unexpected problems with
infertility, the births of children (marital satisfaction goes down with the
birth of each child), the challenges of raising a family, children leaving
home, infidelity, illnesses, deaths of close friends and family members.
Even if there is lots of joy accompanying these transitional stages, it's
stressful nonetheless. But it's important to remember that nothing lasts
forever.   There are seasons to everything in life, including marriage.

Also, it's important to remember that people generally don't go through
these stages sequentially.  It's three steps forward and two steps back.
Just when you begin to feel more at peace with each other in stage four, a
crisis occurs and you find yourselves slipping back to stage three- change
your partner or bust!  But if you've been fortunate enough to have visited
stage four, sanity sets in eventually, and you get back on track.  The
quality and quantity of love you feel for each other is never stagnant.
Love is dynamic. 

So is marriage.  The wiser and more mature you become, the more you realize
this. The more you realize this, the more time you and your spouse spend
hanging out in stage five. Together again, at last.

 
Michele Weiner-Davis , Author of Divorce Busting
For help with relationship problems, visit her web site-
www.divorcebusting.com


Copyright 2000 Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. All rights reserved.
Michele Weiner-Davis,
<A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/index.html">www.divorcebusting.com</A>
--

Some more good news!

Hot off the press.  If you are interested in teaching a marriage education
course, you can now purchase my professionally video-taped, one-day couples'
seminar, The Marriage Breakthrough, and use it as the basis of your course.
There are five and a half hours of content on four videotapes .  This
seminar was taped with a live audience.  It features Michele offering
couples practical marriage-enriching information in her inspirational and
humorous style.  You can watch Michele interact with couples as she imparts
information and guides them through several exercises.

 The Leader's Kit includes the tape series and a comprehensive Leader's
Guide- which walks you through the process of developing, marketing and
leading your own course-   Also included are all the handouts/ worksheets.
No additional fees or training is necessary.  This marriage education
program 
 is designed so that you can use it "right out of the box."   Call The
Divorce Busting Center 800-6-Michele to order your program or receive
information.  
-------

Reminder!
The next summer intensive in beautiful Breckenridge Colorado-  Putting "
Marriage" Back Into Marriage Therapy: An Advanced Five-Day Intensive on July
23-27, 2001 is right around the corner. If you've been struggling in your
work with couples, struggle no more.  Come to Colorado next summer and learn
skills to make your couples work more effective and enjoyable.   It will be
a blast. Also, learn more about teaching couples marriage education skills.
Expand your practice.  But don't take my word for it, read what others have
to say about their experiences in this intensive.  Click <A
HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/prostest.html">here</A>.
Please call me if you have any questions!  800-6Michele/  815-337-8000

Till the next time... Take care, Michele Weiner-Davis

Michele Weiner-Davis
The Divorce Busting Center
P.O. Box 197, Woodstock, Illinois 60098
815-337-8000            815-337-8014  fax
divbuster at aol.com               www.divorcebusting.com
*******************
To UNSUBSCRIBE to the divorce buster list, mail divbuster at aol.com  Leave the
subject line 
empty. In the body of the message type: subscribe newsletter or unsubscribe
newsletter(do this on the first line, do not skip a space at the top)