Parenthood detrimental to marriage? Not necessarily... Jan/2001

[Smartmarriages ©]

subject: Parenthood detrimental to marriage? Not necessarily... Jan/2001

from: Smart Marriages

And how to strengthen marital friendship?  By teaching couples
communication, conflict management, and friendship building behaviors.

Volume 32, No. 1 January 2001

Parenthood detrimental to marriage? Not necessarily... Marital researchers
identify a prescription that may buffer newlyweds against stressors.

"It makes sense that working with couples to strengthen their marital
friendship would help couples to weather their transition to parenthood."


BY EILEEN M. O'CONNOR Monitor staff

A wife's satisfaction wanes and marriages decline at the onset of
parenthood--so goes the long-accepted assumption. A new study, however,
shows that a strong foundation of friendship between spouses, nurtured
consistently throughout the marriage, could increase marital satisfaction
during the life-changing experience of having a child.

"We found that couples that appeared to have a strong marital friendship
were the most resilient to decline in marital satisfaction when they became
parents," says University of Washington doctoral student Alyson Shapiro, who
conducted the study with renowned marital researcher John Gottman, PhD.
"Thus, it makes sense that working with couples to strengthen their marital
friendship would help couples to weather their transition to parenthood."

The study, "The baby and the marriage: identifying factors that buffer
against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives" in the
Journal of Family Psychology (Vol. 14, No. 1), found that a strong bond that
both partners work to build from the beginning can inoculate couples from
stress.

Specifically, they identified a three-part prescription for strengthening
the marital bond:

€ Building fondness and affection for your partner.

€ Being aware of what is going on in your spouse's life and being responsive
to it.

€ Approaching problems as something you and your partner have control of and
something you can solve together as a couple.

Successful couples, says Gottman, "deal with conflict in a very different
way as well. There was a respectful approach to conflict, a gentler
approach."

Study design and results

Gottman, Shapiro and research scientist Sybil Carrere selected 82 couples in
their first year of marriage and observed them for four to six years. During
that time 43 couples became parents and 39 remained childless. The
researchers studied the newlyweds' relationships to pinpoint patterns in
marital satisfaction and factors that kept a couple strong during the
transition to parenthood.

As revealed in the initial questionnaires and oral interviews, predictors of
a wife's marital satisfaction were her husband's affection and
attentiveness. Conversely, a husband's negativity, disenchantment or a
generally chaotic lifestyle foretold a wife's dissatisfaction. Annual
surveys, including additional marital satisfaction questionnaires
administered upon pregnancy and again when the baby was three months old,
tracked any attitude changes.

The researchers found that women who became mothers initially were satisfied
with their marriages; after having babies, 33 percent reported stable or
improved marital satisfaction while 67 percent reported declines. Among
childless couples, 51 percent of the wives reported stable or increased
marital satisfaction and 49 percent reported a decline.

These results do not suggest that parenthood improves marital happiness but
rather, the figures represent an overall trend as happy newlyweds are more
likely to become the happily married parents. Remaining childless did not
necessarily increase the satisfaction of couples who initially reported
lower rates of marital happiness because "those people who stayed married
and remained childless were higher in marital satisfaction than those people
who stayed childless and divorced."

Gottman notes that "our first 16 divorces were from childless couples" and
dubs this pattern "an attrition effect."

Another thought-provoking finding was that decreased marital satisfaction
was rarely evident during the interview three months after the birth, as
almost half the new mothers who reported declining satisfaction did not do
so until their child's first birthday. This suggests that the joy of
bringing a child into the world temporarily substitutes for marital
satisfaction and dissatisfaction evolves when the life-changing reality of
parenthood sets in. Gottman calls the months following childbirth "a period
of great joy as well as potential problems."

A year later, "new ways of interacting between the husband and wife--or not
interacting as the case may be--have had a chance to become patterns, the
joy of having a new baby has subsided, and the wives are reappraising their
marriage in new less satisfied ways," explains Shapiro.

How husbands feel

The study findings also revealed that husbands' satisfaction declined after
the birth of a baby. However, the percentages were smaller, as only 56
percent of husbands with children reported dissatisfaction.

According to Gottman, a wife's marital satisfaction after the birth of a
child directly influences the husband's reaction to the event.

"The effect is delayed in husbands, but very real," Gottman notes.

A husband's attitude is a crucial component to a happy marriage, he
explains, as "husbands who make the philosophical transition that moms tend
to make when they become dads are closer to their wives."

Ideally, the husband will adjust to considering the whole family before the
self. "What we see over the transition to parenthood is if the husband is
aware of his wife and attentive, it helps them make it through this
stressful time," notes Shapiro. "Similarly, when the wife is aware of her
husband and his contribution, she is more likely to give him the benefit of
the doubt when she may be preoccupied with the baby."

It follows that the relationship between marital satisfaction and the
arrival of a baby is intrinsically linked to the patterns that predict
divorce itself, the researchers conclude. Essentially, happy marriages make
for happy parents. Considering Gottman's observation that "generally it is
the happier couples who move on to become parents," it is no wonder then
that so many births are celebrated with great hope.

"It makes sense that working with couples to strengthen their marital
friendship would help couples to weather their transition to parenthood."

-- Alyson Shapiro

University of Washington


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