Great Marriages made at home, not in heaven - 12/17/01

[Smartmarriages ®]

subject: Great Marriages made at home, not in heaven - 12/17/01

from: Smart Marriages


A great marriage is made at home, not in heaven

BY DONNA GEHRKE-WHITE

You get a buzz from making eyes at a co-worker. Over lunch, you regale your
best friend about your dream to start a business. You finish an overdue
project at the office -- and celebrate with a beer with some buddies.

You arrive home exhausted, in no mood to have a heart-to-heart with your
spouse. You fall asleep watching the tube.

Sound familiar? It's a routine, left to fester, that can chip away at a
marriage, says Miami Beach marital therapist M. Gary Neuman, author of
Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid It and 10 Other Secrets to a Great
Marriage (Random House/Crown, $24).

``Our culture clearly gives us guidelines to do everything successfully
except marriage,'' said Neuman, who will speak at 7:30 p.m. Tuesday at
Temple Emanu-El in Miami Beach. ``The reality is that a great marriage --
and I believe only in great marriages -- is going to take time and energy
and focus. And we don't have those guidelines. We don't make marriage a
priority. Everything else seems to come first.''

Consider: A husband and wife in the United States spend, on average, four
minutes a day talking to each other.

Great marriages need more, as well as daily caresses, weekly nights out,
even vacations away from the kids, he says. Time to get away from the
discussions over money and the kids; time instead to dream, to laugh, to
remember why you fell in love.

All sensible ideas, says Dr. Blaine Fowers, a marital therapist and
University of Miami associate professor who wrote the book Beyond the Myth
of Marital Happiness ( Jossey-Bass, $25).

HIGH EXPECTATIONS

Fowers says too many marriages end unnecessarily in divorce because the
couples had unrealistic expectations that ``we should be happy all the
time.''

Instead, he counsels couples about remembering their shared goals and dreams
to weather tough times. Fowers also advises them to remember marriage is a
``special friendship'' and to be loyal, generous and fair.

He and Neuman wrote their books to help the pain-filled couples they often
counsel.

``None of them went to the altar with the idea of going through the trauma
of a divorce,'' says Neuman.

Neuman, 36, says some of his advice comes from his 14-year marriage to wife
Michal. They have five children, ages 6 to 13. At times, he acknowledges,
his schedule can be hectic balancing work and family.

Still, ``we go out,'' he says. ``We have vacations together.''

NO FLIRTATIONS

And, yes, Neuman avoids establishing friendships with women other than his
wife. As for flirtations -- forget it, he says. Knee-nudging, eye winking
and secret jokes are not innocent -- they take from a precious emotional
reservoir. Your spouse is the loser.

Nearly three-fourths of the men and about half of the women in extramarital
relationships started with flirting at work, eroding a basic trust. Couples,
he adds, need a healthy supply of trust so they aren't afraid to need each
other.

They also have to throw out the Hollywood notion that love just happens.

Says Neuman: ``I believe that marriage is both magical and achievable -- but
only if we put in the commitment of great loving energy and focus, not
because we simply expect it to happen because we're in love.''
- - - - - - -
Blaine Fowers presented "Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness" at the Smart
Marriages 2000 conference. To order this highly rated tape ($11) - call
800-241-7785 and ask for tape #750-703.  Order his book,
"Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness: How Embracing the Virtues of Loyalty,
Generosity, Justice, and Courage can Strengthen Your Relationship" on
amazon.com for only $17.50 at:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0787945676/smartmarriages/

**************************
To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or change your address,
visit http://www.smartmarriages.com  Click Newsletter. Enter your
address in the appropriate box and proceed.

This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee. Please
indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list.

This newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and  educational
approaches.  Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the
Coalition.

Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start

6th annual Smart Marriages conference/Washington, DC
July 9 - 16, 2002  http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW,   Washington, DC 20015-1961
www.smartmarriages.com  202-362-3332
cmfce at smartmarriages.com

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the use of
which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We
make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of
marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc. We
understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided
for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17
U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit
to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included
information for research and educational purposes. For more information go
to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use
copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond
'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.
 
--