Gray/suicide/internet/childless/etc - REPLIES
Fri Mar 17 00:59:42 EST 2000
from: Smart Marriages
>We are on your mailing list but did not receive the new Conference
>Brochure. Can you please send us 5 copies, as we are planning on sending
>4-5 couples from our church.
>Lowell and Susan Birkley
>Jackson, NE 68743
I'll send you five right away - first class. Yours is a great plan -
bringing a cluster of couples. You'll want to coordinate and make sure
they fan out and take different courses
- couples skills, stepfamily skills, parenting, sex, money, second half
of marriage and becoming parents courses, community models, marketing,
etc etc - the works! - and then pool resources when you get back to the
congregation. You'll have a great, rich teaching team. -diane
Regarding the article, Soul of a New University and implications for
marriage and family education:
I hope the expansion of education programs from college campuses will
result in more professional receiving preparation in marriage and family
education. Also, I hope those and others will develop approaches for
offering marriage and family education via the variety of technologies
are and will be available. Some times there are limited opportunities in
When I was searching for someone for premarital counseling, I would love
to have had a distance education approach option available since there
limited face-to-face opportunities available. And, think of couples who
live in different locations even within the same state which prevents them
from easily engaging in such education. I have a friend right now who
lives in upstate New York and is engaged to a man who resides in New York
City. They want to participate in premarital counseling but haven't
out how to accomplish it when they live 5.5 hour drive apart and see each
other every other weekend. They could participate from the cities where
they reside and apply what they learn when they have phone conversations
and see each other two weekends a month. They want some education before
they marry but think they'll just have to wait until afterwards.
I want to address Gladys Mosby question as it is closely
related to what I was doing at BYU for Dr. Barlow where I assisted in
their goal to make available psycho educational information on the
The first project I assisted with was Fatherwork by Drs Alan Hawkins and
David Dollahite, which is an online class that offers CEU credit for
CFLEs as well as a mass informational source on Generative Fathering.
Dr. Barlow's site (with which I worked most closely)
www.marriageinfo.byu.edu was a continuation of that type of project, and
informational resources for those preparing for marriage including a
called "Starting Out Right: Getting the Proper Pieces."
Other articles written by professors on marriage and family topics
available (Choosing a Spouse, Balancing Family And Work, Is It Time For
Marital "Flu Shot?" ext..). Their main focus is getting RELATE (the
assessment) online. Dr.'s Barlow, Hawkins, Holman, Dollahite, and
Larson, all who
are presenting this year, would be the best to direct specific questions
I also know that BYU has a high goal of offering classes
online through their continuing education department.
I also am considering doing a masters Thesis on a very similar topic
Gladys Mosby, of effective teaching methods in each of the 5 areas
Dr. William Doherty in his article, Boundaries Between Parent and Family
and Family Therapy, which serves as a continuum to distinguish between
education and therapy, including internet education.
You have just been a lifesaver for me. I stayed in this terrible marriage
for years and I couldn't figure out why. Couldn't fix it..things were bad.
But with three children I was stuck.
Then all your research and articles showed my why I stayed in the family
and I believe I have turned things around by changing myself. It's
Today on the UCB Parents advice line that offers help with all kinds of
issues (it was started by graduate students) I read an e-mail from someone
asking for advice, a grad student with a baby "who dearly loved " her
They were considering divorce, because of this and that.
Do you know there wasn't one reply that supported the family unit? It was
all single Moms, and I was so shocked at how quickly everyone told her to
get out of a bad situation. She didn't even say it was bad. She said
unresolvable differences. I wrote and told her to check out your site.
So I hope my message gets through to her. There's little support for
The coalition, your e-mails and research have truly saved me. I can
sometimes defuse trouble spots. I can see the positive effects of the
information on my three children. Marriage counseling was a disaster. One
counselor told me I couldn't come back until I agreed to a divorce. One
couldn't understand why my laundry was piled up, when I had five people's
clothes to manage.
Thanks for all you have given me.
Thanks so much you are helping so many lives....
I know you guys poo-poo John Gray but he has been saying exactly that for
over ten years (acknowledge your mistake and say you are sorry; no buts
arguments or getting defensive). We teach it in the Communication
Daniel B. Nagelberg, Ph.D.
We aren't poo-pooing Gray! There is a Mars/Venus training institute and
at the Denver conference. - diane
>Diane, Thank you for sharing this. I read a brief article in a newspaper and
>wanted more details regarding the pope's apology. This is a wonderful
>/newsletter. Very valuable information is shared. You are doing great work.
Regarding this email from Glen Bloomstrom, I'm struck by how many suicides
are suicide/homicides. I clip articles off the web (as you all know)
and so many pop up every single day "man kills estranged wife, then kills
Or boyfriend kills girlfriend then himself. And often the kids too.
The carnage is unimaginable. -diane
Thanks for passing these research based articles. This one really caught
As well as being the Family Ministry Officer for the Chief of Army
Chaplains, I also provide training and training materials for all our
chaplains who conduct suicide prevention and awareness programs in their
units. This study supports my contention that if we work with marriage
education throughout the lifecycle we can reduce (indirectly) some of
Obviously, marriage education is not suicide prevention, and it should
be seen as suicide prevention, but strengthening marriages before crisis
indirectly influence the resulting critical fallout such as domestic
violence and suicide.
This month we will make PREP a permanent part of our curriculum for ALL of
our new chaplains entering the Army - active duty, reserve, and national
guard. This will give them a tool for marriage education not just on
duty but in civilian churches where guard and reserve chaplains continue
serve! I am very excited about this systemic influence in teaching skills
to members of many diverse faith communities. So, little by little we are
beginning to put the tools where they can have an impact.
Speaking about the life cycle -- I just did a C-PREP workshop in my
One of the participants was married 38 years! She just wrote me a note
told me that she and her husband used the Speaker Listener structure
together and really benefited from it -- after almost 40 years of
I was blown away. I thought she participated to "check me out" instead
picked up on the material and started doing something different in her
PS: You may be interested -- I saw you on the PAIRS video last week! I
almost 70 chaplains at our annual conference in Little Rock. We had Lori
Gordon come to train all of them in PAIRS. They have developed a PAIRS
BASIC for the military. The material was very well received. They did a
wonderful presentation for us. I first saw them at Smart Marriages back
(Yes, I did give out all of the Smart Marriages brochures you sent !!)
Both you and Lori looked tired -- you on the video and Lori in person --
need to pray for you both and you two need to be careful to take some time
for fun and rest!!
Again my congratulations and thanks for your tireless work. God's Peace
Thank you for including information about the Bishop of Rochester's (UK)
recent comments on Christian marriage and the letters from The Times
newspaper. It seems sad that the press here seem to have picked up on
specific comments he made about married couples having families, hence
all the letters about population explosions! In fact he was raising a
very important concern that the widespread individualism and search for
self fulfillment had crept into marriage and was keeping couples from
some of the plans God has for marriage.
While the emphasis that has been placed on the personal relationship
side has been valuable enabling couples to get support for relationship
issues through skills training and counseling, we are in danger of
losing sight of other aspects of marriage.
Listening to the Bishop speaking on Premier, London Christian Radio, I
(Liz) was taken back to our Marriage Encounter weekend fifteen years
ago. On that we were challenged that the love we had for each other
should not just be hugged to ourselves, but used to serve and bless
others. We discovered a purpose for our marriage which was focused
outwards from ourselves to our children and those we came into contact
with day by day. The purpose of our marriage is not only to fulfill our
own personal needs, but to make an impact on society as a whole.
Reflecting on the Bishop's words I felt challenged to review to what
extent the influence of individualism and selfishness in society had
crept into our relationship. I realised how much that purpose of self
giving and serving others has contributed to the health and vibrancy of
our marriage over the years.
So I hope the words of the Bishop will continue to challenge us all not
to be molded by the values of today's society, but to seek for the full
vision and purpose God had for marriage when he created it for mankind.
With best wishes,
David and Liz Percival
Diane Sollee, founder and director
Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
202-362-3332 (FAX 202-362-0973) Email: cmfce at smartmarriages.com
4th Annual Smart Marriages/Happy Families conference
June 27 - July 4, 2000 in DENVER
up to 60 hours CEU -APA, SW, MFT, NBCC, CFLE
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