Marriage Saver: No Harm Divorce

Sat Jan 29 17:17:43 EST 2000

from: Marriage Saver: No Harm Divorce

"It's time our courts became more like family
hospitals, offering remedies instead of poison, to wounded couples."

Marriage Saver: No Harm Divorce
The Daily Telegram, Adrian, MI, Thurs., Jan. 20, 2000

by Clark Cothern

    Judy Parejko wants to change the way divorces are handled. "Our
current adversarial court system just doesn't work," she said.   Ms.
Parejko (Puh-REE-ko) is in the conflict resolution business. Where she
works, at The Mediation Center in Menomonie, Wis., (one hour east of
Minneapolis), she sees the results of a legal system where divorce
lawyers are the only winners.
    The Mediation Center sees couples for their mandated mediation
session--a court ordered event in her area. Some couples do very well,
and learn from their single session. Others just sit through it, without
making any effort, simply because they have to be there.
    But Parejko wants to do more for couples. She heard about Stan
Posthumus, the New Jersey Mediator Man, who developed the Focused
Thinking technique.   "Mr. Posthumus used his mediation techniques to
help several couples learn how to talk with each other, without
fighting," Parejko said, "His purpose for the training was so couples
could learn to talk with one another about their kids. But he discovered
that about 30% of the couples he had worked with had used
their new skills to work through their problems, and had decided to
reconcile!"
    Ms. Parejko wants to take the Focused Thinking mediation process a
step further. "I want the courts to get out of the way and let couples
become more responsible for their divorce proceedings, including their
involvement in mediation. If they will do that, many more marriages can
be saved."
    She proposes a radically new "No Harm" divorce process--one that she
believes is far less harmful than the current No-Fault process. "I know
there is no such thing as a "no harm" divorce,"  she said.  "Divorce
harms everyone. But I am proposing a process that is far less harmful
than the current no-fault system."
    Parejko wants judges to refuse to allow couples to sue each other
over their marriage. Instead, they would mutually consent to the terms of
divorce in order to complete it without attorneys or court officials
interfering with the mediation process. The current adversarial system is
not aimed at reconciliation, she said. One side sues the other side, and
the lawyers gather into two armies, and there is nothing left to do but
fight.
    But, when a couple is sent to a skilled mediator, trained in conflict
resolution techniques like Focused Thinking, they learn to communicate
with each other, and they learn to listen to one another without
attaching blame to every statement.  At the very least, said Parejko,
couples who receive this type of mediation are more amiable and less
combative through the divorce. At best, they choose to reconcile. 
Either way, it's a win-win situation.
    Ms. Parejko believes that our current adversarial system of divorce,
which revolves around who gets the kids, could be called immoral,
because of the destruction it causes to an already fragile family unit.
We simply must find a way to stop this family destruction and instead,
offer remedies, like mediation. 
    Parejko would like court officials and attorneys to take a sort of
Hippocratic Oath, like doctors, promising to do no harm to the couples in
family court.
    Where does Ms. Parejko's passion for healed families come from? "When
I was 8-years-old my mother died. I struggled for years with the thought
that maybe I was responsible in some way. When it finally dawned on me
that it wasn't my fault, and that I could find freedom from the pain I
had lived with, it was a real awakening."
    She translated her passion for healed relationships into her work.
"When I was young, children lost parents to death. Now, more and more
kids are losing parents to divorce. I have a real desire to help children
avoid the kind of pain I lived with as a child."   Her passion is evident
in her voice as she says, "I can't wait for No Harm Divorces to be a
reality! When that happens, you just watch--it will reduce the divorce
rate and restore marriages. It's time our courts became more like family
hospitals, offering remedies instead of poison, to wounded couples."
    For more information about The Mediation Center"s approach, check out
this website: www.DivorceResourceCenter.com.

Clark Cothern is pastor of the Trinity Baptist Church, Adrian, MI. To
comment, please email Roger Hart, Editor, at  roger at lenconnect.com.

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