VCR ALERT/grandparents/Weiner-Davis replies/comments

[owner-smartmarriages]

from: Smart Marriages 

>Diane,
>I hate the N.Y. Times request for couples divorcing after 20 years.  Why 
establish another 
> new divorce trend?  Why 
>let people in twenty-something year marriages know that if they want to get 
>out, they are in good company?  Ick.
>Michele Weiner-Davis

I agree.  It's not our focus, but perhaps we can include
some couples who are in process of turning things around...?  - diane 
______________
Lynne Gold-Bikin, founder of the PARTNERS program, will be on the TODAY 
show Wednessday, Jan 12 on the issue of Grandparent's visitation.  That's 
the day the Supreme Court will hear arguments on the issue.  She's 
scheduled for the 8-8:30am segment. She will present an institute and 
workshop at Smart Marriages. (see related story below)
_______________
 Survey finds strong generational bonds

AARP releases results as Supreme Court considers visitation rights case

By Frank A. Aukofer of the Journal Sentinel staff

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on Jan. 6, 2000

Washington - Pointing to a new national survey that showed strong bonds 
between the two generations, the AARP said Wednesday that courts should 
be able to enforce grandparents' visitation rights with their 
grandchildren.

The survey by AARP, which represents 30 million members aged 50 and 
older, was released a week before the U.S. Supreme Court is scheduled to 
hear oral arguments in a grandparents' rights case that is likely to have 
an impact nationwide.

The high court will decide a challenge to a decision of the Washington 
state Supreme Court, which nullified a state law that allowed family 
courts to grant visitation rights with a child if the court concluded it 
would be in the child's best interest.

Wisconsin and the other 48 states all have similar laws that could be 
affected by the U.S. Supreme Court's decision.

In its 1998 decision, the Washington Supreme Court held that the law 
violated a parent's constitutional right to "rear his or her child 
without state interference."

The appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court was brought by grandparents Gary and 
Jenifer Troxel, who sought visitation rights with the children of their 
son, who was not married to the woman who bore them. He later committed 
suicide.

They won in the lower court. But the visitation rights were overturned by 
the state Supreme Court.

In addition to commissioning the survey, AARP filed a friend of the court 
brief, or written arguments, with the Supreme Court in support of the 
state visitation laws.

"Grandparent visitation statutes have been enacted as a national response 
to increasing rates of parental drug use, teen pregnancy, divorce, 
single-parent households, crime and child abuse," the brief says.

A lawyer for the AARP said the organization did not seek to enforce 
visitation rights where parents made a considered decision to exclude 
grandparents from their children's lives, but only in cases with special 
circumstances of divorce, separation or death.

In the survey, which was conducted among 823 grandparents aged 50 and 
older in 1998 but only recently compiled, the AARP found that 82% of the 
grandparents said they had seen a grandchild in the past month, and 85% 
said they had spoken with a grandchild on the telephone.

Seventy-two percent said they had shared a meal with a grandchild in the 
past month, and an equal number said they had bought a gift for the 
grandchild in the same time.

The study showed that grandparents spent a median of $489 a year on 
gifts, clothing, outings, tuition and other items. The 11% of 
grandparents who also are primary care givers to their grandchildren 
spent even more - a median of $688.

Half of the grandparents said they were companions or friends of their 
grandchildren, and about 30% to 35% said they had other roles as 
confidants, advice-givers and conversationalists talking about family 
history.

The survey said that although grandparents played a variety of roles, the 
most common one was simply being a friend to their grandchildren.

"Perhaps the most striking finding of this study is the extent to which 
generations are connected to each other," the survey concludes. "In spite 
of a mobile society (and) busy lives . . . most grandparents regularly 
interact with their grandchildren."

Gretchen Straw, the AARP's associate research director, said the state of 
American grandparenting was strong.

"Most grandparents see their grandchildren regularly and connect in a 
number of ways," she said. "The relationship is a rewarding one."

_______________ 
Hi Diane--

What you refer to as "post-game 
analysis", my husband and I refer to as "Missed Opportunities." In our 
PAIRS 
classes, we tell our students that now that they've entered into the 
world of 
relationship and skills training, they can kiss the cliche "Ignorance is 
Bliss" good-bye. We encourage them to track their relationship after the 
workshop by noting what successes are they having (skills use and it's 
level 
of effect) and those missed opportunities (skills not used and wished 
they 
would have). WOW--does that help in increasing their commitment to the 
relationship as well as to more frequently using what they learned. I've 
said 
for years to my PAIRS colleagues--THIS IS A MOVEMENT built not just on 
behavior changing in relationships through skills--but more so on 
shifting 
people's perception's on the value of skills training in their lives.
Meg Haycraft, MSW
Twogether, Inc.
______________
This response from Michele Weiner-Davis: 
Thanks for the letters!
Although I am not sure that I completely understand Alice's question: 
>"I guess my question is how Michele's approach fits in with the concept of 
>the couple's intimacy (not sexual, per se). I can see if each partner feels 
>better about him/herself, she/he is more likely to want to be intimate (in 
>whatever way), share; that "rings true." 
>    At the same time, I wonder if there is some other "by-product" from this 
>approach."   
I'll take a stab at it.

Closeness comes in many ways.  You can feel close to your partner when 
you 
truly feel he or she knows how you feel during a conversation.  This 
happens 
when couples practice active listening skills.  But it can also happen 
when 
one partner sees the other trying hard to please him or her by changing 
behavior.  One style isn't any better than the other.  When your partner 
changes behavior, you can assume that s/he cares enough about you that 
s/he 
is willing to change, even if s/he doesn't agree with your point.  To me, 
that's an act of love...one that evokes a sense of intimacy.  

And Allan,
I could retire if I received a dollar for each time I did the opposite of 
what I teach couples to do!  I am much, much better now at being 
solution-oriented, but the road here is paved with lots of bumps.  Trust 
me 
on this one.  I teach couples about the bumps too and tell them that what 
separates the winners from the losers is this:
Everyone gets off track once in a while.  The winners quit the self-blame 
and 
stop feeling sorry for themselves and get right back on track quickly.  
This 
is true for individuals and relationships.

I love telling clients about the time when my wonderful daughter was a 
junior 
high student...a tough time.  One day, things weren't going well and 
although 
I started out calmly, I ended up ranting and raving around the house, 
screaming at my daughter.  Not a pretty sight.  As I passed the bedroom 
door 
where my husband was watching t.v., he saw me in all my glory.  He looked 
up 
at me in disbelief and said, "There she goes, world-renowned 
solution-oriented therapist."  

Get the point?  We're human and we should be letting the people in our 
courses know that no matter how skilled they become, they're going to get 
it 
wrong sometimes.  Teach them how to get back on track.  And then do our 
best 
to practice what we teach.  
Michele Weiner-Davis
www.divorcebusting.com
_________________
To Elizabeth Marquardt:
        Be sure to see "Children of Divorce," a very powerful PBS
documentary made in 1997 of the impact of divorce on children.  And also I
suggest you interview Judith Wallerstein on what she has observed in the
children of 60 families who divorced about 1970-1.  She has interviewed
these children, many of whom were preschoolers at the time, every five
years for 25 years.  Her conclusion is chilling: 

        "Adults get over divorce, but unlike adults, children's suffering
does not reach a peak at divorce.  The impact increases ovre time,
throughout the first three decades of life and in all developmental
stages."
        Mike McManus



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