Weiner-Davis on Gottman about prediction

[owner-smartmarriages]

from: Smart Marriages

This from Michele Weiner-Davis who will present a keynote on
trying to prevent "Walk-Away Wives" at the 4th Annual Smart
Marriages conference in Denver.

Diane,

I was good to hear from John Gottman on the issue of prediction.  

I am not surprised to hear that repair attempts are one of the major 
factors 
in what makes relationships last.  I do think that it would behoove John 
to 
broaden his microscope a bit.   Most of the couples I encounter make 
repair 
attempts, but they do so after their discussion/argument has ended.  They 
often show little compassion or understanding for each other's viewpoints 
in 
the heat of the discussion, but then a day or two later- presto, chango- 
they 
alter their behavior to incorporate their partner's perspective and/or 
wishes.  The repair attempts tend to be action-oriented rather than 
verbal. 
Sometimes nothing more is said about the argument or about the changes.   
But 
peace prevails and friendship resumes. 

That's why, in addition to teaching couples about the importance of 
listening 
for verbal repair attempts during discussions, I also teach couples to 
pay 
attention to the ways in which their partners' actions show that they 
were 
listening after all...in the days following the argument .  Realizing 
that 
just because a person is being argumentative doesn't mean he or she won't 
take to heart the message being communicated has several advantages.  It  
enables couples to feel more comfortable letting disagreements stand 
because 
they know that time might bring more conciliatory behavior.  This 
prevents 
arguments from escalating unnecessarily.   It also sets up positive 
expectation about how the relationship will unfold after conflict.  The 
self-fulfilling prophecy often brings about positive results.

I wish I knew about the dynamic about which I am writing years ago in my 
own 
twenty-seven-year-old relationship with my husband.  I could have avoided 
many of the heated battles in the early years of our marriage. 
Thankfully, I 
finally figured out that no matter how vehemently he opposed me during 
our 
discussions/shouting matches, he usually accommodated my wishes soon 
thereafter. I also noticed that as long as I didn't call too much 
attention 
to his kindness and cooperativeness, (making it seem as if he had given 
in) 
he appeared more than happy to oblige.   Sometimes talking isn't 
everything.
Michele Weiner-Davis
www.divorcebusting.com


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