Breaking Bickering Barriers - USA Today - 2/23/00

[owner-smartmarriages]

from: Smart Marriages


Here is the Karen Peterson, USA Today version of "Reconcilable 
Differences"
that was featured last week in the NY Times.  Andy Christensen will
present this on Friday at Smart Marriages in Denver.  I imagine
this workshop will draw quit a crowd! Register early. Buy the book in 
advance and have
him sign it at the conference.  Here is the Amason link:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1572302615/o/qid=944010973/sr=2-1/10
3-2811566-6452643 


*Breaking bickering barriers*
Chalk up another use for the Internet: E-mail can help quarreling couples
back off the battlefield. Changing the medium for an argument from a
face-to-face confrontation to less emotional e-mail may help you modify
your message, says Andrew Christensen, a UCLA researcher, psychologist and
co-author of Reconcilable Differences (Guilford Press, $23.95). "Rather
than doing more of the same in the argument, send an e-mail," he says. "Or
make a cassette tape or write a letter. The advantage is you don't get
caught up in the argument, escalating it, raising your voice." It sounds
like a gimmick. But it is one of many tools that can help, says
Christensen, who does not endorse simplistic answers. He wrote the book
with Neil Jacobson of the University of Washington, one of the nation's
premier researchers on marital conflict. Jacobson died last year. 

Full story: Partner is not likely to change 
 _____________________________
*Breaking bickering barriers*
By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY 

Chalk up another use for the Internet: E-mail can help quarreling couples
back off the battlefield.

Changing the medium for an argument from a face-to-face confrontation to
less emotional e-mail may help you modify your message, says Andrew
Christensen, a UCLA researcher, psychologist and co-author of Reconcilable
Differences (Guilford Press, $23.95).

"Rather than doing more of the same in the argument, send an e-mail," he
says. "Or make a cassette tape or write a letter. The advantage is you
don't get caught up in the argument, escalating it, raising your voice." 

It sounds like a gimmick. But it is one of many tools that can help, says
Christensen, who does not endorse simplistic answers. He wrote the book
with Neil Jacobson of the University of Washington, one of the nation's
premier researchers on marital conflict. Jacobson died last year. 

The book is their way of getting the word out about their research on
"acceptance therapy" funded by the National Institute of Mental Health.
Their findings show a partner is not likely to change. Some conflicts just
can't be resolved. The key is to learn to accept a partner, give up trying
to change him or her and instead work on changing yourself.

"People cannot change their basic essence, even if they try, and it is
futile to demand that they do so," says Christensen, who has worked with
hundreds of couples in marital therapy for more than 20 years. "To love
and marry someone, you must accept the essence of the other person. You
can push for change at the periphery, but not at the core."

Marriage, he says, "is a package deal of strengths and weaknesses. We
don't have a line-item veto." 

Other noted researchers are coming to the same conclusion. University of
Washington psychologist John Gottman says that couples who argue about the
same thing over and over again - and that may account for about 69% of all
quarrels - would do better to stop trying to "solve" that problem and come
to accept both it and their partners. Such problems, he says, are often
rooted in basic differences from childhood and may never be resolved.

Christensen agrees. Think of a relationship problem as an incompatibility,
he says. The differences that create incompatibilities often go way back:
genetic, historical and environmental influences that are not easy to
change, he says.

For example, a couple may argue a lot about closeness and intimacy. But he
was raised in an unemotional household, while she was raised in one that
rocked with laughter and volatility. As time goes by, Christensen says,
the two can both move to the middle, but neither can come entirely to the
other's point of view. 

"We all have certain vulnerabilities, sensitivities," buttons that can be
pushed, he says. A partner's task is to discover and then be sensitive to
them, while building compassion, empathy and a deeper marital intimacy
along the way. 

Instead, he says, spouses end up identifying flaws, pointing them out and
expecting change.

Ironically, the very trait that seemed charming in the early years can
later be the one that drives a partner nuts. At first, he applauds her for
being punctual, neat and orderly. Later he faults her for what he comes to
see as rigidity, a need for following rules.

Or at first he is seen as ambitious; later, as he works long hours, she
sees him as a self-absorbed workaholic.

Acceptance of such traits does not mean giving in, Christensen emphasizes.
"It is not surrender. It does not come from fear or intimidation. It comes
from strength." 

The book gives several guides to building acceptance:

 Develop a "third side" of the argument that incorporates both yours and
your partner's view. That helps see the problem more objectively.

 See the problem as a difficulty the two of you have, rather than as
something your partner does to you.

 Demonstrate you have heard your partner by summarizing what he or she has
to say; ask your partner to do the same. 

 While arguing, do something positive for your partner with no strings
attached.

 Focus on one problem at a time, not a parade of them. 

 Focus on the painful reactions each of you experiences rather than on
your partner's negative actions. 

 Realize your partner's hurtful actions may be a defense mechanism to mask
pain.

 Don't insist yours is the only way.

 Remember the only person you can change is yourself.

 Try "less of the same" in an argument and more of something different
that helps reduce the level of conflict. 

*Closeness, control define most fights*
Two major themes underlie many of the quarrels couples have: closeness and
control, Andrew Christensen says in Reconcilable Differences.

Couples in conflict would do well to analyze whether these factors are at
play, he says. "These issues of closeness and control may define the
relationship for you, affirm your self-image and determine in large part
how happy and content you are together." He cautions: "Both of you are apt
to overreact when even a minor issue tests some relevant principle of
closeness or control."

Closeness or intimacy means the time couples spend together, as well as
"qualitative features such as the value, intensity and meaning of that
time together." 

One partner may want more time together than the other. But couples can
exist comfortably across a wide range of closeness, Christensen says.

Even couples married a long time who don't seem to interact much may be
close. "Despite their apparent lack of emotion, these couples can be
highly interconnected. They are dependent on each other financially and
socially. Over the years, they have divided up life's tasks so that they
can complete them only jointly."

Power is "the distribution of authority, dominance and control," he says.
"Incompatibilities over power and control usually center on money, child
care, housework and individual decision-making. Like all couples, you need
to work out how you share responsibility and control over these
fundamental areas."  



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