What British Christians are Doing to Improve Relationships

Thu Feb 17 13:45:32 EST 2000

from: Smart Marriages

McManus - Ethics & Religion

Feb. 16, 2000
Column #964
Advance for Feb. 18, 2000

      WHAT BRITISH CHRISTIANS ARE DOING TO IMPROVE RELATIONSHIPS
                         By Mike McManus
     TOTNES, ENGLAND  In this small town, 200 miles southwest of London, 
a retired vet,
Chris Grimshaw, has persuaded the clergy, the schools, the medical 
profession and town
government - "the whole community to work together to increase the health 
of relationships," as
he puts it.
     "While stepfamilies and single parenthood can be made to work, 
neither has quite as good
a chance - or gives children quite a good a chance - as enduring 
marriage."
     Marriage is disintegrating in Great Britain, as it is in America.   
While British divorces
soared six-fold from 26,000 in 1961 to 171,000 in 1997, the nation's 
number of couples getting
married has plunged by a third, from 459,000 to 308,000.  
     To put it differently, Britain now has one divorce for every two 
marriages, just like the
United States.  That gives it one of  the highest divorce rates in 
Europe, double that of France or
Germany. Further, Britain's cohabitation and out-of-wedlock rates are 
even higher than the U.S.  
     British research reveals that a child living with unmarried parents 
is 20 times more likely to
be physically or sexually abused than one with married parents, and 37 
times more at risk if the
mother is living with a boy friend. 
     Chris Grimshaw is committed to turn these trends around.  Several 
years ago, he and
Claire, his vivacious wife of 27 years, attended a marriage enrichment 
weekend "with fear and
trepidation" along with several other Christian couples from different 
churches.  "We all came
back with our marriages greatly strengthened," he told 110 people in his 
home town last weekend.
     They came back determined to do what they could to revive marriage 
in Britain.  
     He was invited to attend a free weekend for pastors run by Americans 
David and Teresa 
Ferguson of Intimate Life Ministries. They taught how clergy and lay 
leaders can recognize the
emotional needs of one's spouse, and then, how to fulfill them.
     Intimate Life identifies ten emotional needs, which if unfulfilled, 
lead to relational
problems: Acceptance, Affection, Appreciation, Approval, Attention, 
Comfort, Encouragement,
Respect, Security, Support.  One exercise you might try: identify your 
own top three needs, and
those of your spouse. Few husbands know their wive's core needs. 
     The Grimshaws own a small farm resort in Totnes that is completely 
rented out in season.
But in the winter it is unused. So they began running marriage enrichment 
weekends, charging
very small fees to encourage a maximum number of couples to attend. So 
far 350 couples have
done so. They take eight couples at a time, using either Intimate Life 
materials, or Marriage
Review, a form of Marriage Encounter. 
     Two years ago, from the Website of Marriage Savers, Chris heard of 
Community
Marriage Policies being organized by clergy in the United States. He told 
Totnes leaders: "Whole
towns have had their divorce rates drop by rates of 25 percent or more. 
This was done with very
ordinary people working together across a community. I thought, `That's 
what. I want to do
here."
     He invited the mayor and 13 other leading citizens in Totnes to a 
dinner with fine wine,
and made a proposal far broader than Community Marriage Policies, which 
are focused on how
clergy can cooperate to prepare, strengthen and save troubled marriages.  
"What I am proposing
is to teach relationship skills to every adult and child in this 
community of 20,000 people."  Four
elements are in place:
     1.  When women give birth to children, health workers teach both 
mother and father
relationship skills. Tania West, who is training midwives, says, "Martial 
satisfaction expectations
are high at the beginning, but take a dip when the first baby comes.  A 
crying baby takes a lot of
time. Couple communication becomes small talk about nappies (diapers). 
Deeper sharing tends
not to happen We teach the ten emotional needs, and how to meet them."
     2.   Elementary school principals are very concerned about the 
behavioral characteristics
of five-year-olds.  Children don't want to go out for recess because they 
don't know how to make
friends.  Those skills are now being taught.
     3.   In secondary schools and community colleges, students are 
taught communications
and conflict resolution skills. Grimshaw says, "I want every child 
leaving secondary schools be as
emotionally literate as they are computer literate."
     4. The clergy have agreed to require serious marriage preparation.
     The Totnes model has attracted national attention.  Last week my 
wife and I traveled with
Chris Grimshaw to meet with a Committee of Parliament and local religious 
and government
leaders in London, York, and four smaller towns to help them launch 
similar initiatives.
     America and Britain have much to learn from each other.  

**************************
This FREE online newsletter shares information on marriage, divorce and 
skills-based educational approaches.  Opinions expressed are not 
necessarily shared by members of the Coalition.

To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE to the list, mail majordomo at his.com
Leave the subject line empty. In the body of the 
message type: subscribe smartmarriages or unsubscribe smartmarriages 
(do this on the first line, do not skip a space at the top)

- to CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS, follow the directions to unsubscribe your old 
address and subscribe your new address.  

- this is a moderated list.  When you send a reply message it is read by 
Diane Sollee, director, only.  

Newsletter archive - all past posts to the newsletter:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start 

4th Annual Smart Marriages conference/June 29 - July 2, 2000, DENVER  
http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html 
for registration, hotel and travel information.
up to 57 hours CEU -APA, SW, MFT, NBCC, CFLE

List your program in the Directory of Providers at:
 http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html 

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
www.smartmarriages.com
202-362-3332  (FAX 202-362-0973)   Email: cmfce at smartmarriages.com 