A Matter of Compromise and Acceptance -NY Times

Tue Feb 15 14:12:47 EST 2000

from: Smart Marriages

Look at this in the New York Times!  
Andy Christensen will present a 90 minute workshop on the model
at the Smart Marriages conference on Friday morning.  All kinds of good 
techniques
and information to add to your marriage education programs!!  - diane 

February 15, 2000

PERSONAL HEALTH
A Matter of Compromise and Acceptance
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By JANE E. BRODY
I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." The title of this long-running 
off-Broadway show sums up the source of most marital problems. All too 
often, 
the very characteristics that initially attracted partners to one another 
or 
the disturbing behaviors that at first were ignored or considered 
unimportant 
eventually become marital sore points and the cause of repeated arguments 
and 
chronic unhappiness. 

Couples struggle to get one another to change -- to conform to each 
other's 
needs and desires and definition of a more perfect partner. "Why don't 
you . 
. . ?" "Why can't you . . . ?" "Why aren't you . . . ?" and "You're wrong 
. . 
." are common pleas and criticisms that are more likely to precipitate 
arguments than change. Anger, accusations and attempts at coercion do not 
inspire compassion and cooperation, and rarely do couples who use this 
approach succeed on their own in exacting the desired changes. 

Even those who seek marital therapy before deciding to divorce have 
considerably less than a 50-50 chance of achieving and maintaining the 
changes that would make for a more peaceful union. The primary focus of 
traditional therapy is to encourage both partners to change their 
behavior so 
that they can enjoy each other more and hurt each other less. Too often 
these 
deliberate changes fail to result from a full appreciation for the other 
partner's pain or perspective, and sooner or later the old irritating 
behaviors re-emerge. 

A New Approach: Accept 

Enter "acceptance therapy," or, as it is technically called, "integrative 
couples therapy." This novel concept, which grew out of a therapist's 
disillusionment with traditional techniques, is exhaustively described 
and 
illustrated in a new book, "Reconcilable Differences" (Guilford 
Publications, 
$23.95) by Dr. Andrew Christensen and the late Dr. Neil S. Jacobson. 

The two psychologists offer a slew of tools that couples can use to 
reconcile 
their differences without the help of a therapist. There are now some 
50,000 
marital therapists in the nation, but with half of marriages doomed to 
fail, 
they are still in short supply. Besides, the cost of therapy often makes 
professional aid unattainable by those who need it most. 

Of course, for any therapy to succeed in reviving a relationship, there 
must 
be a desire on the part of both partners to make a go of it. The approach 
of 
integrative therapy is that rather than force change, partners should 
start 
by accepting each other's differences and appreciating their individual 
sensitivities. Instead of backing partners into a corner by insisting on 
changes, this kind of understanding often leads to uncoerced changes that 
are 
more lasting and more in tune with each partner's core personality and 
behaviors. 

One virtue of the book is its utter realism, its repeated warnings that 
one 
or another tactic may backfire, which are then followed by new 
strategies. 
Dr. Christensen, a professor of psychology at the University of 
California at 
Los Angeles, emphasizes that their goal "was not to oversimplify the 
process 
or give cookbook recipes to solve every problem." 

But the National Institute of Mental Health has been sufficiently 
impressed 
with the early results of integrative couples therapy -- a pilot study 
had a 
success rate of 80 percent -- to award $3 million for a clinical trial 
involving about 150 couples. Half the couples will receive traditional 
therapy and the other half the integrative approach. The outcome of the 
six 
to nine months of treatment will be measured in terms of couple 
satisfaction 
and stability of the union and the couples will be followed for two 
years. 

How It Works 

The main idea behind acceptance therapy is that acceptance of another 
person's traits and behaviors often leads to compassion, and when 
partners 
learn to use compassion in dealing with one another, they tend to become 
more 
willing to let go of conflict and even change the troubling behavior. The 
psychologists suggest that partners in conflict work on accepting, even 
embracing, each other's irritating behaviors and characteristics. 

"To accept means to tolerate what you regard as an unpleasant behavior, 
to 
understand its deeper meaning [and] see it in a larger context," Dr. 
Christensen and Dr. Jacobson wrote. 

Acceptance is most likely to emerge through understanding, so the first 
step 
they recommend is to analyze the anatomy of an argument by developing a 
story 
about an important relationship problem that incorporates the 
perspectives of 
both partners, identifies incompatibilities and vulnerabilities and 
describes 
how each person copes and how the problem escalates into conflict. Then 
go 
back over the story to see whether it focuses on differences rather than 
defects, vulnerabilities rather than violations, descriptions rather than 
judgments. 

"When your focus shifts from the offending actions of each of you to the 
soft 
spots that are bruised by these actions, you may come to a new 
understanding 
of each other, one that cuts angry arguments short and over time brings 
you 
closer together," the psychologists wrote. 

Too often, important thoughts and feelings about a conflict are left 
unsaid, 
either because of a lack of awareness or a fear of becoming vulnerable by 
disclosing them. "Yet," the authors wrote, "it is precisely these 
revelations 
that could alter the tone of the discussion and perhaps elicit empathy 
between you." 

When partners feel pressured to change, they tend to become defensive and 
withdraw, the psychologists point out. But when partners feel accepted 
and 
understood, they are more likely to change willingly, often making more 
changes than requested. Even if no change occurs, acceptance and 
compassion 
are likely to bring a couple closer. 

One aspect of acceptance may be the realization that what now drives a 
person 
crazy about a partner is a characteristic that was a source of the 
initial 
attraction. 

For example, a woman who is timid and conservative may be drawn to a man 
who 
is sociable and spontaneous. But with time and the arrival of children, 
the 
husband's tendency to pursue social activities that exclude his wife or 
to 
take risks the wife considers dangerous and inconsiderate for a man with 
a 
family can become a serious source of conflict. 

Another important feature of acceptance is to realize that partners are 
not 
being deliberately mean. For example, when a husband failed to tell his 
wife 
until the last moment that he was going hiking for the weekend with his 
best 
friend, she became furious over his inconsiderate behavior. But his 
intent 
was not to hurt his wife. It was his way of avoiding an argument. To end 
a 
vicious cycle of avoidance and hurt, the husband needed to understand and 
accept his wife's sensitivity to feeling left out and her difficulties in 
making plans of her own. 

Keep in mind, though, that acceptance has its limits. The psychologists 
state 
emphatically that some behaviors -- like physical and psychological abuse 
-- 
should never be accepted. 

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