Fighting for Your Love - 2/14/00

[owner-smartmarriages]

from: Smart Marriages 


David Olson will present the findings of this survey of 21,000 couples
at a keynote and workshop in Denver at Smart Marriages. - diane

VARIETY
Fighting for your love Nobody likes to fight. But if a couple can explore
differences without exploding, they're more likely to stay together than 
those
who ignore problems.
H.J. Cummins; Staff Writer

02/13/2000
Star-Tribune Newspaper of the Twin Cities Mpls.-St. Paul

With apologies to romantics, here's a thought to ponder on Valentine's 
Day: It's
 not love, but arguing, that is pivotal to happy marriages.

"After all, we know that all couples who marry are in love," said David 
Olson, a
 University of Minnesota family social-science professor and co-author of
"Empowering Couples: Building on Your Strengths."

"Yet 50 percent of them divorce. And the biggest predictor is how well 
they're
able to work through their differences."

Olson and others are quick to point out that thoughtful love and careful
conflict are two sides of the same coin: Loving well builds up reservoirs 
of
fondness that help couples get through tough times; arguing well avoids 
the kind
 of scorched-earth disagreements that drain that reservoir dry.

But marriage counselors and researchers worry that too many couples 
slight the
disagreement part, hurting their shot at happiness. And that concern has 
helped
build a cottage industry among counselors and clergy that involves couple
questionnaires - to find likely sore spots - and then step-by-step 
lessons on
how to talk problems out.

One of the first and biggest is PREPARE/ENRICH, a program for engaged and
married couples developed by Olson. Another is PREP (Prevention and 
Relationship
 Enhancement Program) from the Center for Marital and Family Studies at 
the
University of Denver.

Their records are impressive. Olson can predict with 85 percent accuracy 
which
of the engaged couples who take his PREPARE questionnaire will split up 
within
three years. And in a five-year study in Denver, PREP couples cut their 
risk of
divorce by two- thirds by following the program's lessons in 
communication and
conflict resolution.

Even so, some experts have reservations. Much of that data represents 
couples
who seek out the programs, they say, not a real cross section.

And they suggest other limitations.

"For the great majority of couples, taking the test is exactly the right 
thing
to do," said Pauline Boss, a University of Minnesota professor of family 
social
science. "But it is not sufficient for couples where there is potential 
for
addictions and abuse, for example. Premarital inventories may be missing 
the
worst cases."

Constance Ahrons, senior scholar at the Council on Contemporary Families 
in
Berkeley, Calif., has a similar concern.

"I've had couples come in [after a program] and say to me, `It sounded 
good, and
 we really tried to talk and listen to each other better,' " Ahrons said. 
"But
they say, `We can't seem to hold onto that in the middle of a fight,' or, 
`That
doesn't take away some real changes that need to take place in this 
person or
this relationship.' "

Practical help

Still, in these days of 40 to 50 percent divorce rates and reports of less
marriage satisfaction among couples who stay together, many people say 
these
kinds of practical programs are a great help.

A string of recent research helps explain the appeal:

- Couples who never fight are the likeliest to divorce. That indicates 
they're
not facing their problems.

- Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Instead, couples need to 
know how
and when to agree to disagree.

- Happy couples have as many differences of opinion as divorcing couples.

"Every couple has about 10 `irreconcilable differences' - who to vote 
for, what
church to go to, how much money to save," said Diane Sollee, director of 
the
Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education in Washington, D.C.

"The reason couples divorce is they don't know how to deal with those
differences," she said. "Even if you switch partners, you'll still have 
about 10
 irreconcilable differences, and you're going to like those less. Because 
the
top irreconcilable difference will be the children from your first 
marriage."

Based on their compatible PREPARE scores last summer, newlyweds Tim and 
Rachel
Knutson have reason to expect fewer disagreements than many couples. 
Still, the
Prior Lake couple believe it's mostly their commitment to talking through 
their
differences that bodes well for them.

"I think we come from similar families, who set a good example," Rachel 
said. "I
 saw my parents argue, but they never yelled, and I saw them come to some
agreement."

The Knutsons said they have spotted one conflict already: family finances.
Rachel is not interested and wishes Tim would just handle everything; Tim
doesn't want to make big decisions without her.

"So sometimes I just have to say, `Give me 10 minutes, Rach,' and then we 
do
talk," Tim said.

Why are so many couples struggling these days?

Some say it's because until recently, husbands and wives entered marriage 
clear
on their set traditional roles. Now, for better or worse, almost 
everything in a
 relationship is up for negotiation.

Others say we've been suckered by cultural fairy tales.

"We bought the Cinderella story, and we think a good marriage is a 
marriage that
 has no conflict," said Britton Wood, of Fort Worth, Texas, former 
co-president
of the Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment. "In fact, marriage 
is
probably going to bring out more anger than any other relationship, 
because
married couples are closer, and they deal with more things together than 
anyone
else."

None of which is to say that divorce is always wrong. Olson said he 
wouldn't
advise any single couple based on the aggregate numbers in his studies. 
But he
does see some marriages in serious trouble, he said, "and what's sad is 
that
both people say they are either unhappy or very unhappy. It's a big 
stressor,
and it will bring that person down."

John Gottman, author of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," 
said
that an unhappy marriage increases people's chances of getting sick by 
about 35
percent and shortens their lives an average of four years.

Choreographed discord

Couples can learn a good way to argue, Olson and others say. Most 
programs teach
 some variation on a process that walks couples through talking, 
listening and
then looking for solutions.

It's a tightly choreographed process because it has to overcome the human
"fight-or-flight" instinct in the face of conflict. But over time, the 
steps
begin to feel more natural to couples, the programs say, or couples 
customize
the important principles to fit their style.

Here's a hypothetical situation:

A wife raises a concern, probably in less than a minute. The husband then
paraphrases that point back to her, demonstrating that he was really 
listening.
Then he can make a point, and she must respond with a paraphrase. The 
couple
keep going until they feel they've said all they had to say.

A lot of feelings come out during the quick back-and-forth, which is 
often all
it takes to find a solution. For example, the wife may complain that her 
husband
 never takes out the trash. But after talking, the couple discover that 
it's not
 household chores, per se, that she's upset about. It is that to her, the 
chores
 represent her fear that her husband won't support her wish to go back to 
work
now that their baby is getting older. Then they discover that, indeed, he 
is
uncomfortable with putting the baby in day care. (As Olson says of such
conflicts: "The problem isn't really the problem.")

The next, and deliberately separate, phase is to look for answers. The 
wife may
suggest working only part time. The couple may divide household chores 
between
them or agree to do everything together on Saturday mornings. They may 
decide to
 write it all down, as a kind of contract.

The final step should be to set up another meeting, where they'll use the 
same
process to decide if they think their plan is working.

The couple made its way through a conflict that for many can become a 
powerful
and recurrent source of bitterness. And they worked out a plan that they 
hope
will accommodate both their desires - while still agreeing to disagree a 
bit on
her working.

Bad patterns

Peter Fraenkel, a New York City psychologist and longtime PREP advocate, 
said
many couples make their marriages unhappy by falling into one of these 
patterns
when they disagree:

- Escalating: One partner says something critical, the other responds with
sarcasm, and then the first one comes back with contempt. Happy couples 
get into
 this bad spiral, too, but they get themselves out quickly, often by 
putting the
 talk on hold until emotions cool. Women are more prone to escalate than 
are
men.

- Withdrawing: One partner refuses to be part of any disagreement, made
uncomfortable by any conflict. Men are more prone to this, and their 
silence
often looks like detachment. That gives a wife the impression that her 
husband
isn't paying attention or that he doesn't care about her feelings. In 
fact, the
men are just as engaged; they're just not talking.

- Mind reading: The partners assume the worst. A wife assumes that 
because her
husband routinely comes home late for supper, he has no respect for her.
Instead, he simply may be facing a big deadline. When these couples take
premarital questionnaires, they assume they disagree on almost everything 
- even
 when they don't.

- Disparaging: One partner habitually insults the other's opinions with 
such
cracks as: "That's stupid," or "How could you possibly understand 
anything about
 my job?"

- Kitchen-sinking: Couples pile up their complaints over time and bring 
them all
 up with every argument. Such as: "I don't like your mother, and I don't 
like
her cooking, and I don't like your cooking, and why don't we go out more, 
and
why don't you handle our money better?"

Laurie Netznik said she was a withdrawer before she and Dave Netznik were
married (two years ago Monday). It's a second marriage for both.

"This was a big issue in my first marriage," Laurie said. "We always had 
to have
 a winner and a loser. So I'd get scared of disagreements and basically 
run and
hide from them."

Laurie's apprehension registered on her PREPARE questionnaire, so the 
Long Lake
couple worked on that in follow-up sessions with St. Louis Park marriage 
and
family therapist JoAnn Kraft.

"She and Dave worked to reassure me there were other options," Laurie 
said. Now,
 when Dave senses her withdrawing, he'll hold her hand and coax her to 
talk
rather than clam up.

"That's OK with me to play that role," Dave said. "And I think we both 
help each
 other stay on track with whatever we're talking about - money, religion,
whatever."

One overarching principle gets couples through almost any disagreement, 
said Amy
 Olson, David Olson's daughter and "Empowering Couples" co-author:

"Just remember to ask yourself: Is it more important that I be `right' or 
that I
 be happy?"

______________________________
Empowering Couples:

Building on Your Strengths

- By: David Olson, professor of family social science at the University of
Minnesota, and his research associate and daughter, Amy Olson.

- Publisher: Life Innovations; 226 pages; $24.95, including shipping and
handling.

- Review: The book covers the top 10 marital issues listed in a survey of 
21,000
 couples and the top 10 strengths found in happy couples. It includes 
quizzes to
 help couples understand their relationships and exercises for 
strengthening any
 weaknesses.

- To find: 1-800-331-1661; http://www.lifeinnovations.com.

Getting stronger...

Take some time to consider the communication habits within your marriage 
with
this 10-point quiz. Each spouse should answer the questions separately, 
then
compare your answers. See the scoring below. .

Yes No 1. I am very satisfied with how we talk to each other. ( ) ( ) 2. 
We are
creative in how we handle our differences. ( ) ( ) 3. We feel very close 
to each
 other. ( ) ( ) 4. My partner is seldom too controlling. ( ) ( ) 5. When
discussing problems, my partner understands

my opinions and ideas. ( ) ( ) 6. I am completely satisfied with the 
amount of
affection

I receive from my partner. ( ) ( ) 7. We have a good balance of leisure 
time
spent

together and separately. ( ) ( ) 8. My partner's friends or family seldom
interfere

with our relationship. ( ) ( ) 9. We agree on how to spend money. ( ) ( ) 
10. We
 agree on how we express our spiritual values

and beliefs. ( ) ( ) .

To score:

If both of you answer "yes" to a question, that's a strength in your
relationship.

- 8-10 strengths: Congratulations! You have mostly strengths.

- 5-7 strengths: You have several important strengths to be proud of. 
Focus on
how you can turn the other issues into strengths.

- 0-4 strengths: You need to talk more about creating more couple 
strengths. If
you are struggling, you should consider seeking marital counseling.

Source: "Empowering Couples: Building on Your Strengths," by David Olson 
and Amy
 Olson.


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