Fri Feb 11 18:02:51 EST 2000
from: Smart Marriages
##### Have a Book Suitable for Valentine's Day?
Then take action now! Vickie Jenkins of KOIT radio in California is
preparing a special show. If you have appropriate books send them
immediately to Vickie Jenkins, 55 Rodeo Avenue, #26,Sausalito, CA
94965. Her e-mail address is vjvoice at pacbell.net.
##### New York Radio Station Seeks Authors to Interview
We've been approached by Bree Freeman, who hosts "Airwaves" on a 50,
000 watt FM station in Central New York. Authors who do well on this
program, slanted to males and females aged 18 to 39, will be
recommended to their sister stations for interviews as well. Send
review copies and PR information to Bree Freeman, Airwaves, WWHT-FM,
500 Plum Street, Suite 100, Syracuse, NY 13204. Phone 315-472-9797,
Also, remember to set VCR's for CNN, Marriage in the Millenium, February
2000 9 pm EST, 6 pm PST. Features David Poponoe and CONNECTIONS
In light of your new interest in Greece, you might want to know
that the Relationship Enhancement (RE) manual has now been translated
into Greek and that there is an RE Institute in the Greek half of Cyprus.
There are also RE institutes in Peru, France, and
Australia, and French and Spanish translations of the manual. Perhaps you
can work your way around the world.
The False Valentine of Cohabitation
TO: Lisa Tarry
From: Maggie Gallagher
Valentine's Day is almost here, and the University of Michigan's
Pamela Smock, has released an impressive report on cohabitation just in
nick of time.
Dear Prof. Smock:
The good news is I just heard your study reported on the top-rated
"Z-Morning Zoo.. The bad news is they mistakenly reported that 50 percent
households are now cohabiting.
Things are not that bad. But the Nineties was definitely the decade for
living together. Since just the late eighties the proportion of women in
their late thirties who have ever cohabited jumped from 30 percent to 48
percent. Many of these cohabiting couples have children in the household,
most often the child of just one partner. But about 40 percent of unwed
births are now to cohabiting couples -50 percent of White and Latino
about a quarter of Black women. Most of the increase in out of wedlock
births in the Nineties is due to increased births to cohabiting
families, and not to lone women. More couples, driven in part by divorce
anxiety, are deciding they can make families without the formality of a
legal, public vow.
Unfortunately for the babies, these fragile, informal families mostly do
last long. "Only about one-sixth of cohabitations last at least three
and only a tenth last five years or more," notes Smock. By contrast, at
current divorce rates, almost 6 out of ten couples who marry for the
time create a bond that will indeed last until the death of one partner.
When it comes to creating a tie between lovers so firm a child's heart
rely upon it, we haven't invented anything that tops the marriage vow.
But what about the 55 percent of cohabitations that end in marriage?
living together first a good investment ? The answer in a word is: no.
Married couples who cohabited first have more relationship problems and
divorces than couples who wait to say "I do" before moving in together.
Living together first definitely won't help you make a happy marriage and
Back in the early mists of prehistory, in the dawning of the sexual
revolution, experts hoped and dreamed that cohabitation would provide a
lease on life for love, liberty, and especially gender equality. Sorry,
seems that women who live with men end up doing almost as much housework
wives. But their male posslq's don't share their income, accept
responsibility for breadwinning, or promise to support them if the going
tough, or even be there for the baby. For women the cohabiting rule
be: most all the work and none of the protection of marriage. As Prof.
concludes, "Given evidence that cohabiting couples are less likely to
income than married couples (Blumstein & Schwartz 1983), the findings of
these housework studies imply that cohabiting women are -- in a very
important sense -- worse off than married women."
In these peculiar days, when otherwise intelligent women take getting
your boyfriend to move in and mooch off your labor and love without
commitment as a sign of deepening affection, the entire canon of love
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
I love thee to the depth and breath my soul can reach
While scrubbing your dishes, and washing your floors
And having your babies, while you claim your freedom
Your leisure, your paycheck and my labor as your own.
Not much, I know. But this I'm afraid-so afraid-is, perhaps
As good as it gets.
Happy Valentine's Day, 2000.
If you think it appropriate, I'd like to share one of my favorite love
poems and my all time favorite Valentine's Day gift (adapted from
The Art of Loving Well, of course). If Shakespeare had known about
CMFCE, he'd undoubtedly have said "my dear wife" instead of "my mistress."
SONNET 130 - William Shakespeare
My misress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
How wonderful it is to be loved in spite of our flaws! Without
Shakespeare's gift of language, we often struggle for the right words
in our own relationships and too often work harder to express just
what it is we don't like about our partner, what we'd like to change,
instead of what we most love and appreciate. For your Valentine, try
to find the most precise, the most appropriate words and images for
a few of of those things, however big or little, that brought you
together and have kept you together--the stuff of love?
N.B. Thirty-two years of books and flowers have faded into hazy
memories, but I will never forget the time my husband, the scientist
who is more comfortable with numbers than words, gave me this gift.
I am vowing to respond in kind this year. Think I'll even tuck a copy
into some dusty family album so we can rediscover it in years to come
[PG edited, I suppose, just in case someone else finds it first!].
Other gift ideas anyone?
Happy Valentine's Day!
Nancy McLaren (mclaren at massed.net)
This FREE online newsletter shares information on marriage, divorce and
skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not
necessarily shared by members of the Coalition.
Copyright © 2000 CMFCE. All rights reserved.
To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE to the list, mail majordomo at his.com
Leave the subject line empty. In the body of the
message type: subscribe smartmarriages or unsubscribe smartmarriages
(do this on the first line, do not skip a space at the top)
- to CHANGE YOUR ADDRESS, follow the directions to unsubscribe your old
address and subscribe your new address.
- this is a moderated list. When you send a reply message it is read by
Diane Sollee, director, only.
Newsletter archive - all past posts to the newsletter:
4th Annual Smart Marriages conference/June 29 - July 2, 2000, DENVER
for registration, hotel and travel information.
up to 57 hours CEU -APA, SW, MFT, NBCC, CFLE
List your program in the Directory of Providers at:
Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
202-362-3332 (FAX 202-362-0973) Email: cmfce at smartmarriages.com
More information about the SmartMarriages