Hargrave & Fowers -Resolutions to Transform Your Marriage

[Smartmarriages ©]

subject: Hargrave & Fowers -Resolutions to Transform Your Marriage

from: Smart Marriages


Here is the opening of a terrific article in the January 2001
issue of McCalls that features Terry Hargrave author of
"The Essential Humility of Marriage" and Blaine Fowers
author of "Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness."  They
will both present at the Smart Marriages Orlando conference. You
can see why they both received TOP ratings last year.

To read the rest of the article you'll have to get the magazine -
it's on the newstand now. I couldn't get permission to
reproduce the whole piece. - diane

McCalls Magazine January 2001

6 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS TO TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE
  by 
Sherry Suib Cohen

    Every New Year, I resolve to streamline my body, be more spiritual, and
never again get crabby with those who do clever things with crab meat and
dried flowers.  Every year, my resolutions fail.   But this year things are
going to be different because I've learned something marvelous: experts say
that if my partner and I make resolutions together for the good of the
marriage, the odds are in favor of resolutions that last.
 
  "Team work wins goals," notes Terry D. Hargrave, Ph.D., Professor of
Marriage and Family Therapy at West Texas A and M University, and author of
The Essential Humility Of Marriage (Zeig, Tucker and Theisen,2000) .   "If a
New Years resolution is as good for him as it is for you---bet on success
with the resolutions and a sweeter marriage."

"You're creating a support system when you're both involved in making the
same resolutions work," adds Gilda Carle, Ph.D., professor of the psychology
of communication at New York's Mercy College and author of Don't Bet On The
Prince, (Golden Books, 1998).   "That's why God invented cheerleaders."
 
        Try these New Years' resolutions on for size:

1. RESOLVE NEVER AGAIN TO GO FOR THE JUGULAR

            Each of us has a vulnerable, exposed spot which hurts very
deeply when it's attacked.  Your partner's jugular is his weakest, most
easily wounded place---the worry that scares him the most, the memory that
mortifies him, the secret he tries to hide from everyone else (maybe it's
the fact that he's sometimes impotent, or he flunked out of college, or his
dad spent some time in jail).

Who knows the location of this sensitive spot better than anyone else in the
world? You do. During an argument, when you dig him with the remark that
hurts so intensely, he cringes with pain. You know you've got him.  It feels
like you've won.  But, you haven't.

    "When you go for the taunt that torments your partner the most,
you destroy the trust in your relationship," says Dr. Hargrave.  "The harsh
thing that comes out of your mouth in ten seconds of anger so weakens your
marriage, it can take six months-if ever-to build it up again."

 "Announce ringingly to your husband that he's disgustingly fat, or tell him
he's always been a lousy lover," adds Dr. Carle, "and you can never unring
that bell. You do irrevocable harm and you're going to end up in my office."

But, how do you change your habit of hitting each other where it hurts?
One way, says Dr.Hargrave, is to use the tool of visualization.  Think of
your partner as something fragile like a vase or a flower.  When you do
damage to that fragile thing, it cannot be repaired. Words damage.  Do you
really want to do permanent harm to your partner?  Also, try visualizing the
results of a violent verbal battle. You may get in a zinger or two but
chances are, your partner will get back at you with some powerful zingers of
his own.  Permanent damage all around.

    Another wonderful thing to do is set aside time for a serious
conversation on self-restraint, says psychologist Blaine Fowers, Ph.D.,
associate professor in the Counseling Psychology program at the University
of Miami, and author of Beyond The Myth Of Marital Happiness(Jossey-Bass,
2000). 

 "Talk about how hard it is to hold back on vicious assaults on each other.
Talk about how your mutual lack of self-restraint has made your marriage a
game of one-upmanship to get the best of each other. Then, ask your partner
if he feels he's really had a victory, when you've been wounded.  Ask
yourself the same thing.  The answer is always no."

Resolve you'll use self-restraint and when you're sorely tempted to go for
the jugular, don't.  Whenever each of you consciously avoids saying the
terrible thing to the other, mentally pat yourself on the back. By the end
of the week, you'll hug each other in delight when you realize how many
times you've stopped yourselves from being mean.  By the end of the month,
niceness will have become a habit.  So will hugging.

2. RESOLVE TO LIGHTEN YOUR GRAB-BAG OF IRRITANTS
What if you each resolved to get rid of one thing (only one-how hard can it
be?) that absolutely drives your partner bonkers?  You might throw out one
article of clothing he can't stand, or vow to forever stop nagging the nag
that most irritates him---his kids from a previous marriage, Sunday football
games, sloppiness.  Or, he might resolve to lose his habit of cursing or his
attitude about the nights when you go out with the girls, or he may even
resolve (if he's a real doll) to stop criticizing your mom.
  
"It's an act of generosity to give up doing something you love to do but
which your partner dislikes,"  says Dr. Fowers.   It says, 'I know I'm not
perfect and I'm always going to irritate you in certain ways, but I pledge
to you this New Years, that I won't annoy you any more, at least in this one
thing---simply because I love you.'

When you put your tongue on hold when it comes to your most cherished
nag-topic, when he gives his cherished lime tie (the one that makes you gag)
to Goodwill, you both do the relationship a tremendous good, adds Dr.
Carle.........for more, pick up McCalls.


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