replies: divorce inevitable?//teens//working wives//stepmothers

Mon Aug 21 23:31:23 EDT 2000

subject: replies: divorce inevitable?//teens//working wives//stepmothers

from: Smart Marriages 

Diane,

This is another testimonial to the need for marriage education and the
critical work you are doing.  This summer I read two books from family
scholars I admire.  But they seem to take divorce as a given, not 
something
that can be prevented.  Still, I'm probably going to use one of the books
in a new class I'm teaching on family ecology.  In this book, the author 
is
discussing what makes families successful.  Point 3:  "ability to maintain
its core functions as it adapts to changes in marital arrangements. . . .
Strong families find ways to cope with the traumatic changes associated
with divorce."  What is evident in the book is that the author places
marital stability outside the realm of something over which couples have
some control.  Actually, he is somewhat inconsistent about this throughout
the book because he alternatively calls for stable, two-parent families to
help protect children from the media, etc., but then seems to assume that
marital instability is an inexorable part of the social landscape.  The
need for marriage education among family scholars is as great as it is
among the general public!  Keep up the good work.

Alan  Hawkins
Associate Director, School of Family Life
Brigham Young University

****************

Diane,
	A comment on the U.VA. research that finds a link between teenage
pregnancy and fighting and poor family life.  In our work with
delinquents, we see conflict in the home between parents and teens, and
among parenting adults (the biological father is rarely living in the 
home)
to be associated with teen peer conflict.  It is likely due to modeling 
and
deteriorating impulse control that comes with living in a stressed home.
One of the best solutions is training in family living skills for the 
teens
and parents, such as communication, support, consistent, fair discipline.
We have had success with this training, with our CD-ROM approach 
(Parenting
Wisely) which leads to decreased teen fighting and other behavior 
problems.
We have not measured pregnancy or sexual activity following the training,
but that is a good idea.  I have not seen much discussion about the link
between poor parenting and teen pregnancy, but the UVA study provides some
connection.  Too often service providers focus only on the teen at
risk (ie. via sex education) and not the environment which produces that 
risk.
Don Gordon
Professor
Ohio University

****************
Hi Diane,

RE the USA Today article by Karen Petersen headlined, "Working wives have 
ill effect on husband's health."  This article should win an award for 
oversimplifying and distorting a research finding in order to promote an 
ideological agenda.  The fact that a woman works outside the home has no 
direct negative effect on her husband's health, as the headline implies.  
More accurately, it is that many men do not take responsibility for their 
own health and rarely handle a couple's social life.  When women stay 
home 
and devote most of their time to the family, they make up for the men's 
deficits.  When women work outside the home and have less time for the 
family, the men's shortcomings show.  The moral of the story is not that 
women should give up their satisfying day jobs, but that men should learn 
to 
call the doctor when they are sick and make plans with family and friends 
without relying on their wives to do it all for them.

Elizabeth Marquardt

Elizabeth, 
This study and the article aren't about what men SHOULD do....it's a 
report
on what they DO....or DON'T DO.  It's a report on WHAT IS, not what 
SHOULD be.  
I think you'd find that Karen Peterson (and all the rest of us) would 
agree that
men should learn to do these things....and maybe men reading the article 
will
come to the same conclusion.    -diane sollee

---
Diane, 
Note that only when wives work MORE than 40 hours a week is there an ill
effect on husband's health.  
Linda Waite
----
Dear Diane,
I find this ("Working wives have ill effect on husband's health") to be an
 offensive conclusion. What b.s.! It's couched in the 
backhanded compliment that husbands are more 'dependent' on their wives 
than 
wives are on their husbands. What it really does is encourage men to not 
BE 
there for their wives, who DO need the support, help, and physical 
PRESENCE 
of their husbands as proactive partners in the marriage relationship.
Annie Garfield, LCSW
Lauderhill, Florida
************************
Dear Diane,

I have been in the wholistic health field for 17 years. We all know how 
statistics can be twisted.

I have to repply to the statistics of 55 less spending on food in 
families with stepmothers.
In order for the study to have a full validity I'd like to know:

- Did they count item for item food, not Fruit Loops, Hershey bars, 
Twinkies, etc ?
_ Did they take in account a difference between buying food in bulk = 
meat, fish and veggies,
      and whipping up a meal, VS going to eat at Mac Donalds, which many 
kids DEMAND ?
- Did they take in account drinking freshly made ice tea VS buying ice 
tea in bottles ?

Reasons for my questions ?

I have several friends who are step mothers. I was a stepmother for 2 
years.
What we all found since alimony paid to birth mother was sucking up much 
of resources available, we reached to cooking from scratch a lot = much 
better for the kids in long run.
We also very well resisted to kids DEMANDS of expensive "treats" to be 
found in food isles of supermarkets. (Sugar and coloring rich sweets, hot 
dogs full of dyes and MSG, endless ice creams, chocolate chip cookies, 
fake chocolate milk in cartons, etc.).

As a health professional, and also and educator I see daily a precise 
immediate connection between the processed food and ADD, ADH, etc. All 
kinds of behaviour problems straighten out quite quickly by altering diet 
to include healthier alternatives of "treats" and making it fun. 

All of us stepmothers used to exchange notes such as: oatmeal cookies 
made from scratch from ORGANIC  healthy ingredients,  kids having fun 
helping, and freezing some for future use was a great way of creating a 
bonding activity, saving money and improving kids ATTENTION SPAN AT 
SCHOOL.

I personally witnessed kids coming from their mom's house when they were 
exposed to the higher spending on foood laden with sugar=mom loves them. 
Kids were unrully, out of focus even violent. It was easier for us 
stepmothers to resist the "blackmailing" demands of kids, who saw adds on 
TV for chocolate(translates into cavities =$), and sugar laden cereals, 
as well as Chicken Mc Nugget and fries at fast food chains (read bad fat, 
low nutrition, future heart attacks and obesity).

I have pages I could send you. This note is just to comment on how often 
statistics focus on quantity and not quality. In our most obese nation in 
the world, with major behaviour problems(Columbine High School, etc) 
perhaps a little less spending on CocaCola, Sprite and Twinkies might be 
a good thing...

Thank for all your great newsletters !

Jolana Vanek

**************************
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