Dating Program - What's New? Sept/Oct 1999

[owner-smartmarriages]

from: Smart Marriages


This article is by Char Kamper on the new CONNECTIONS curriculum 
she presented at the July "Smart Marriages" conference.  The program
is excellent for use in schools or youth groups.  

Developing Skills for Sound Interpersonal Relationships
By Charlene Kamper
September/October 1999 What's New in Home Economics


 Never before in American history has there been such a heightened 
sensitivity
towards adolescent emotions. And never before have the Family and Consumer
Sciences and health curricula been more vital to focus on this issue 
head-on, to
help our young people better understand how to relate to each other. 
Often the
most difficult of these relationships begin in the confusing world of 
dating.

 Teens are keenly aware that they are growing physically, emotionally,
cognitively and socially at different rates over a period of years. 
Adjusting to
these changes is a developmental process that everyone experiences. These
changes are often accompanied with a sense of insecurity and self-doubt. 
Often
being connected with others is a way of increasing self-esteem and gives 
one a
sense of belonging.

 Dating provides a way to connect with others in a significant way. 
Successful
dating requires two important elements: maturity and skill. Maturity is
demonstrated by the ability to consider someone else's needs as well as 
one's
own. Skill develops over time, after individuals have a clearly defined 
sense of
self before trying to build a significant relationship with others.

A Discussion About Dating
 Begin a discussion about dating with the following questions: Have you 
ever
been on a date? Is dating a good idea? Why do people date?

 Answers will probably center around, "Because you like someone;" or "For 
social
reasons" or "Because your friends do."

 Ask students to write about their best date or group activity with 
friends.
Have volunteers share their experiences. Ask the class if there were 
things in
common from the experience that made the event a positive memory. Write 
down
these common experiences on a blackboard under "DATING DOs." Again, 
responses
may center around "It was fun;" I liked who I was with" or "My date was 
polite."
Next, do the same activity, but this time ask them to record experiences 
that
were not good. Place common traits of these experiences under "DATING 
DON'Ts."

 Explain that dating is the same as any other important skill one must 
learn,
like driving or studying. Learning more about an individual's personal
expectations helps them to define these expectations, such as:
  A person should date a good friend (Yes/No)
  It's best to go out with a group of friends first  (Yes/No)
  Going out with someone means you spend most of your free time with 
him/her
(Yes/No)
  It is important for your friends to like the person you are dating 
(Yes/No)
  A person should act or dress in a certain way to be noticed by someone 
he/she
hopes to attract (Yes/No)

Stages of Dating
 Students need to understand that in the beginning stages of dating, it 
is not
uncommon for individuals to feel pressures to move their relationship too
quickly toward physical intimacy. It is important to help them understand 
that
the best relationships are those that develop over time and allow the
individuals to get to know one another in a variety of situations.

 Four important areas of knowing another person are:
  How does this person act around other people including family and 
strangers
(social)?
  How does this person demonstrate emotional balance and control 
(emotional)?
  What are the person's attitudes and belief systems (cognitive)?
  How does this person show affection and caring (physical)?

 Relationships that are built on true knowledge of the other person have 
the
best chance of surviving. True knowledge is based on trust, to be able to 
trust
someone enough to disclose things about your true self. This takes time 
and can
be risky, but this trust is the crux of a strong relationship.
 
Helping students to clarify their personal expectations in any 
relationship can
help them to make better choices. Establishing and maintaining personal
standards can eliminate unwanted situations or feelings of regret at a 
later
time. Adolescents  -- and adults -- need to be reminded that maintaining 
healthy
relationships takes work, practice and time. Sure the road can be bumpy
sometimes, but the overall intimacy of a good, healthy relationship, is a 
truly
fulfilling life goal.

 Charlene Kamper is the author of the curriculum Connections: Dating and
Emotions, an interpersonal relationships unit for secondary students (The 
Dibble
Fund, 800/695-7975; c1999).



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