out-of-wedlock/interracial/notices/PEERS/humor - 9/1/99

[owner-smartmarriages]

from: Smart Marriages

Pat Love will be featured during the premier week of the new Later Today 
Show
on at 9am immediately following the Today show, hosted by Florence 
Henderson &
 Jody Applegate.  Pat is on next Wed and Thurs, Sept 8 & 9 on Sex after 
45.
_____________
Paul and Nicole Johnson's latest video tape, 
Vive La Difference, will be featured on the Sept 17, Focus on the Family 
Radio Broadcast.  
The video soundtrack will be aired, with comments from Mike Trout and Dr. 
Dobson.
________________
Dear CMFCE, 
The Pacific Fleet Chaplain (PACFLT) has asked if there are any
programs addressing the issue of out-of-wedlock pregnancy.  We
need to address this as both a male and female issue.  The Navy is loosing
too many service members at an unbelievable rate because of single female
pregnancy. Thanks for any suggestions.
Mike
______________
Hello,
We just saw you on the 700 club - makes a lot of sense but went to the 
directory and there is no program listed for Albuquerque.  I hope you can 
direct us to a course.  Married 13 years.  T & B

Dear T & B, 
Don't give up. Go back to the directory and check the headquarters 
offices, they can help you find a course in your area.  If there is none 
nearby figure out a weekend
course that would be a fun getaway - maybe Dallas, Denver, New Orleans, 
Ft Lauderdale.
Plan to attend the next Smart Marriages conference.  You can sample all 
the programs in
one spot.  Couples who attend have a ball and say it retools their 
marriage. AND while you're at it you can learn how to teach the programs 
in your community.  You can be sure
there are many many couples in Albuquerque looking for a course.  In the 
meantime go to the 
Books by the Experts page and read up, and order tapes....also read the 
Articles page on the website, all free and plenty to keep you busy.  Also 
the whole July '99 Smart Marriages conference is on audiotape - only $10 
a session.  Try "Marriage with Attitude" or "Marital Sex as It Ought To 
Be" -  hundreds of great great tapes from which to choose. 
Call 800-241-7785 for a catalog and call me and I'll help you pick.  
-diane sollee
_____________ 
INTERRACIAL RESPONSES:
To Phil Waugh: I would suggest he contact Dr. Joel Crohn, a psychologist 
who
specializes in interracial/interethnic matches and author of a fascinating
book on the subject. He also holds workshops. He's in CA, but would 
probably
know about others around the country. His email address is 
JCrohn at aol.com. If
Mr. Waugh wants to send me his postal address, I can mail him info about
Crohn's book. 
Mary Rosenbaum, Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Resources
www.mich.com/~dovetail/ 
**
Phil, 
An interesting anecdotal site is http://www.pbs.org/lovestories   This is 
featuring lovestories of interracial couples.  Interesting.  Mine is "a 
different drummer"  Some interesting insights in anecdotal form.  All the 
best, Laura
**
Diane, below is an article from our biweekly column, "Family 
Reflections." 
Perhaps it may answer a question or two regarding interracial marriages. 

Family Relationships Are Most Critical for Interracial Marriages
September 25, 1998
An email from a reader:

Dear Andrew and Terri,
We are facing a very difficult issue in our family. We are good Catholics 
and 
very involved in our parish. We have raised our children to know right 
from 
wrong and to treat people with respect. Our twenty-four-year-old daughter 
is 
now dating an African American, and we have a problem with it. We've 
tried to 
keep our feelings to ourselves. He seems to be a decent young man, and 
she 
says she loves him. Recently there has been talk of marriage and now our 
discomfort with the situation is showing.
   Our daughter doesn't believe us when we say that we're only concerned 
for 
what is best for her. Though she hasn't said it, the look in her eyes 
accuses 
us of being racist. She doesn't understand the problems they will face as 
an 
interracial couple. And what about the children? How will they be raised? 
Will they know what culture they are? Are we off base or are our concerns 
legitimate?

This is a very difficult issue indeed. It's easy to be open about such 
matters when it's others involved. But when it hits home, we are faced 
with a 
moral challenge. The waters are murky when confronting social ills that 
pop 
up in our family situations. 

The Gospel, however, is clear about this. And so is the Church. In the 
1979 
pastoral letter issued by the U.S. Catholic Bishops, "Brothers and 
Sisters to 
Us," it states clearly and unequivocally that "Racism is a sin . . ." 
This 
document is a bold, prophetic statement by our shepherds. Sadly, since 
the 
issuance of this document there has been not nearly enough an impact on 
how 
Catholics deal with racism in our midst.

Given the common inheritance we all share in our God whose love is 
surpassed 
by none, and the dignity and worth derived from that love, we must 
examine 
our actions and the feelings behind them. We need to question our motives 
in 
these matters in light of the Gospel and the teachings of the Church. 
Crises 
such as that of this family then become opportunities to rise to more 
noble 
and Godlike stances.

Particularly in interracial marriages, race recedes in time to its proper 
place. Their issues are not very different from typical marital issues. 
We 
cannot rightly assume culture based on race. Any marriage is the 
beginning of 
a new story that merges elements, culturally and otherwise, of two life 
stories. It is always a great challenge. 

Attitudes of race can be major obstacles for an interracial couple. Most 
problematic, however, are not the attitudes of broader society, but 
rather 
the attitudes of the people closest to them. If the family wants to do 
the 
loving thing, they will aggressively work on their racist attitudes and 
be 
determined not to be impediments to the wonderful story in process. If 
family 
members are so concerned with problems the couple will face, they should 
look 
at themselves and stop being the problem. It is a step toward God.

"Family Reflections" is a syndicated newspaper column that presents a 
continuing 
theology of family life. Andrew and Terri report, from their experiences 
as 
married partners, parents, and members of extended families, their 
observations of God's presence in family life. As active members in the 
Catholic community they share their perspectives on the Church in 
society. 
Through the prism of their African American heritage, they share their 
unique 
spirituality. 

_________________

Here are suggested guidelines by a Retrouvaille list member
for working with new couples: 
- Use your ears more than your mouth, 
- Try not to fix it for them, too quickly, or even at all, be very 
cautious offering solutions, ask how you like other people telling YOU 
how to fix your problems
-A lot of times we just need someone to talk to, and really are not
 needing an answer. 
-Stick to your own personal experience, story, 
-Give your self permission to say "I don't know" (if you don't).
-Keep in mind all the things that you want to say, as you are listening, 
say
only about every 7th one, and realize that you still may be talking too
much, the point is, Listen, Listen, Listen, ask questions to qualify so 
you can
really try to understand what the person is trying to convey.
- Just being a good listener so that someone else can tell their story is
in itself a great part of being a supportive peer. >>
_____________
New course for high schools: Relationships

August 30, 1999
By KAREN TESTA
Associated Press

   BOCA RATON -- Matt confronted Fequer for stealing his car, and Jeff
wondered about how to stop his elderly grandfather from droning on and on 
in
conversation.
   They may not have realized it in class on Friday, but all three high
schoolers were learning skills educators and legislators hope will lead to
more successful families and fewer divorces.
   About 300 students at Olympic Heights High School became the first
students in the state to start fulfilling a new Florida law that mandates
they learn about love and listening as a requirement for graduation.
   "What we're trying to do here is stop the cycle," said Seth Eisenberg,
chief executive of Pairs International, a Weston-based company that 
develops
the relationship skills curriculum being used at Olympic Heights and 
schools
around the state. Eisenberg has trained teachers throughout Florida who 
will
use the program in its classes.
   The statewide initiative, spelled out in last year's Marriage 
Preparation
& Preservation Act, aims to curb violence and family breakdown by helping
students learn better communication skills and how to understand emotions 
in
themselves and others. Florida is the only state that requires such a
course, Eisenberg said.
   After just one 50-minute session on Friday, senior Fequer Joseph said 
he
had already learned something. He and sophomore Matt Lieder acted out a
listening and repeating exercise in which Lieder told Joseph he knew 
Joseph
had stolen his car. By the end of the fictional discussion, Lieder was
satisfied his message was heard.
   "He said he'd return it," Lieder said. "Doing this helps me out a lot,"
added Joseph, a linebacker on the school football team who is hoping for a
college scholarship. "When me and my friends get in an argument, I can use
this."
   The students learned about stressful styles of communication, such as
being a "blamer" or a "placater."
   Then they learned about being "congruent" -- listening with empathy and
speaking on their own behalf.
   Part of being a good listener means waiting until the other person has
finished talking, Eisenberg told the students.
   That left Jeff Goodgold, 16, concerned. "What do I do when I talk to my
grandpa, because he just goes on and on and on?" the freshman asked.
   Eisenberg suggested the teen-ager take home the listening exercise done
in class and try it on his grandfather.
   After practicing with a classmate later, Goodgold said he'd give it a
try. "It's worth a shot," he said.
   Eisenberg led the first class at Olympic Heights but will now turn the
rest of the lessons over to teacher Alice Tingler as part of her required
life skills class.
   That class also discusses decision making, credit management, 
nutrition,
First Aid, and the perils of drugs, alcohol and unprotected sex.
   Teaching good interpersonal skills will reinforce those other lessons,
Tingler said.
   "If we can teach them to communicate, then we hit them again with where
do you want to draw the line, we've empowered them with some pretty
important stuff," she said.

(For Information on the PEERS program described above, see the 
www.smartmarriages home page.
Click on School/Youth programs Directory.) 
_________________


I can't resist sharing these "things to think about" by George Carlin:
 
 - Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 
 - If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane 
crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? 
 - If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys 
and apes? 
 - I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the 
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose 
 - If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they 
all still working? 
 - Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?



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To order tapes of all presentations at the 1999 conference, as well as 
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Diane Sollee, Director
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