From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 1 17:25:46 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:25:46 -0500 Subject: MARRIAGE 101: SKIP THE TRIAL RUN - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902012222.RAA12275@mail.his.com> Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe, authors of "Should We Live Together? will present a workshop and are part of a keynote panel at the July Smart Marriages conference. MARRIAGE 101: SKIP THE TRIAL RUN By Charles M. Madigan. Charles M. Madigan is a Tribune senior writer To many people, particularly young people who have grown up in the era of commonplace divorce, it sounds like an idea that makes a lot of sense. Why risk marriage without a test period? Why not just live together to see if the relationship will work out? In fact, feelings about the idea of cohabitation--living together outside of marriage--have been measured. Sociologists have asked high school seniors to take a position on this statement: "It is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along." About 45 percent of young men and 30 percent of young women agreed with the statement between 1976 and 1980. Between 1991 and 1995, the numbers in agreement jumped to 60 percent of young men and 50 percent of young women. Those attitudes are a reflection of the nation's growing experience at living together. The U.S. Bureau of the Census reports that as of 1997, just over 4 million couples were cohabiting and an increasing number of cohabiting couples were raising children. None of that comes as much of a surprise. It is likely that changes in attitudes toward relationships will be one of the most significant transformations of the last half of the 20th Century. People generally surfed into the 1950s on an assumption that young men and young women would get married, have some kids, get a house in the burbs and live happily ever after. But the surf ride into the next century might as well be happening on a different planet. The discussion these days centers on whether homosexual couples can be married in churches and what kind of special counseling one needs to succeed in that third or fourth marriage. Given those developments, cohabitation seems a likely avenue to pursue in the search for a better way to cement a relationship. But there is a growing body of evidence that despite the trend and despite the attitudes that are helping to drive it, cohabitation may not be such a good idea and certainly not as good an idea as the institution it is starting to replace, traditional marriage. In fact, "living together" undoubtedly is undercutting the idea of marriage in American culture and causing a good deal of damage, particularly to women and children. It appears cohabitation is a healthy option, in most cases, only when there is a marriage date on the horizon, and not on the distant horizon. A study to be released Wednesday at Rutgers University takes the first deep look at the cohabitation trend and presents a series of strong warnings aimed at encouraging young people to rethink their attitudes. Their most significant conclusion: In most cases, if you live together before you get married, your risk of breaking up later actually increases. The study, "Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage," also argues that cohabitation increases the risk of domestic violence toward women and physical and sexual abuse of children. The practice hasn't created much of a track record at all in the areas of happiness and well being. The report is likely to cause controversy because cohabitation has been widely accepted on so many levels that it has never received much of a critical review as a life choice. You see it all the time on television, and the practice itself seems to make a lot of sense. But it is such a relatively new arrival to the relationship scene in the United States that no one, until now, has taken much of a measure of its success rate. The Rutgers report suggests it is a choice that is packed with potential perils. The authors, David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead (who also wrote the controversial "Dan Quayle was right" article in the April 1993 issue of Atlantic Monthly) base their report on extensive research of more than a decade of study on cohabitation questions. "Cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first living-together experience for young men and women," the study says. "When blushing brides walk down the aisle in the 1990s, more than half have already lived together with a boyfriend." Popenoe and Whitehead are co-directors of The National Marriage Project, a new think tank at Rutgers, which aims to provide research and analysis on the state of marriage in the United States. The effort has funding from a variety of private sources, most of them conservative in nature, but it carries the university's mantle and taps Rutgers' long-recognized reputation for high-quality social research. Admittedly, the marriage project's ultimate goal is to find a way to improve that institution. From that perspective, it is no surprise that the authors would present such a critical review of the track record of people who simply choose to live together. But Whitehead and Popenoe argue that the conclusions of the study are based not on their attitudes toward marriage but on a review of almost 50 sources that have published or are about to publish their research on the issue. These are cool-headed researchers. They know that cohabitation is not going to go away and that its popularity is growing. But they suggest people enter these relationships with their eyes wide open. Their report lists four red flags to consider in deciding whether to cohabit. - There is nothing to show that cohabiting leads to a stronger marriage. The data suggest cohabiting before marriage makes divorce more likely. - It is wrong to assume you learn how to have good relationships by cohabiting. In fact, the more a person cohabits, the more likely the person is to embrace cohabiting as a lifestyle. - The longer people live together without marriage, the more likely it is that they'll never marry. A series of cohabitations could become their lifestyle. - Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents, and the economic and emotional effects of the breakup can be devastating on children. Whitehead and Popenoe conclude that the reasons for the darkly predictive side of cohabitation are not entirely clear. (The risk of having an eventual marriage collapse is 46 percent higher for people who have lived together). People who cohabit, they said, are less committed to the relationship and are not reluctant to terminate it. "They are more oriented toward their own autonomy," according to the study's authors. They also discovered that people who cohabit are much more likely to enter unsuccessful cohabiting relationships again--they become serial cohabitors. The only exceptions, they found in their review of cohabiting studies, are cases in which both partners plan to marry each other in the near future or cases in which elderly people cohabit for economic and social reasons. "There is some evidence to support the proposition that living together for a short period of time with the person one intends to marry has no adverse effects on the subsequent marriage," they report. "Cohabitation in this case appears to be very similar to marriage; it merely takes place during the engagement period. This proposition would appear to be less true, however, when one or both of the partners has had prior experience with cohabitation or brings children into the relationship." The most troublesome cohabitation problems, they said, involve children. Two years ago, about 36 percent of the unmarried-household couples identified by the Census Bureau included at least one child under age 18. "One of the greatest problems for children living with a cohabiting couple is the high risk that the couple will break up," the study says. "Fully three quarters of children born to cohabiting parents will see their parents split up before they reach age 16, whereas only about a third of the children born to married parents face a similar fate." One development affecting that statistic is the fact that marriage is on the decline among cohabiting couples. In the last decade, the proportion of cohabiting mothers who go on to eventually marry a child's father declined to 44 percent from 57 percent. Further complicating the situation, according to the report, is the fact that the great majority of children in unmarried couple households were not born from the current relationship, but typically, from a previous union by one of the partners, usually the mother. Economic and social relationships are often tenuous in those kinds of families, the study says. There is scant statistical data on child abuse in cohabiting households in the United States, according to the authors. But one study in Britain found that children living with cohabiting couples are 20 times more likely to be the subject of child abuse. In cases in which the child is living with a mother and a man who is not the father, the risk increases 33 times. The authors are too smart to suggest turning back the clock. In fact, they seem to recognize that one of the most serious flaws in traditional marriage is the assumption that, among equals, the man will be more equal than the woman. They suggest intensive education aimed at young people so they can make better decisions about whether to live together, along with a closer look at marriage and an attempt to create egalitarian marital relationships in which men and women have equal standing. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 1 18:05:22 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 18:05:22 -0500 Subject: Live-in couples may miss out on wedded bliss - 2/1/99 Message-ID: <199902012302.SAA07979@mail.his.com> Cohabitation has big downside, study finds Monday, February 1, 1999 By Karen S. Peterson USA Today Couples who live together before marriage are about 48 percent more likely to divorce than those who don't, says the author of a new review of research on cohabitation. The study finds that living together increases risks of domestic violence. Despite what some couples may think, the overwhelming implication is that "living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce," says study co-author David Popenoe, a Rutgers University sociologist. The report comes as the trend of living together soars. By 1998, the number of unmarried U.S. couples topped 4,236,000 up from 439,000 in 1960, according to the Census Bureau. More than half of first marriages are now preceded by cohabitation, Popenoe says. His project finds: Living together increases the risk of domestic violence for women and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for kids. University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite says the violence rate for live-ins is almost double that of marrieds. Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness. An important exception: Couples who move in together with both partners fully intending to marry seem to do relatively well. Sociologist Alan Booth of Pennsylvania State University has researched cohabitation for two decades. "Committed cohabitors" are different from "permanent cohabitors" who live together long-term, he says. The latter "show a lot of symptoms of depression. Their relationships are not stable, especially if there are children." In 1997, 36 percent of all unmarried-couple households included a child under 18, up from 21 percent in 1987, Popenoe says. Most uncommitted live-in relationships are unstable by definition, experts say. Research shows that "cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples ... to the continuation of the relationship" and are more oriented toward autonomy, Popenoe says. Of particular concern are those who live together in relationship after relationship. Popenoe speculates that "the experience of dissolving one cohabiting relationship generates a greater willingness to dissolve later relationships." Popenoe says "clearly mature people are able to cohabit and go on to strong marriages; this is not something written in stone." He also says his review of existing research shows that in more recent studies the association between cohabitation and divorce may be diminishing somewhat: Fresh studies are needed. But he finds overall that living together is not "marriage- friendly." "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 1 19:27:54 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 19:27:54 -0500 Subject: Colorado puts heat on lawyers to pay their child support - 1/99 Message-ID: <199902020024.TAA00296@mail.his.com> State puts heat on lawyers to pay their child support Deadbeats' licenses at risk under program to speed up payments By Karen Abbott January 31, 1999 Colorado is cracking down on deadbeat parents who are lawyers. The state has collected more than $100,000 in child support since July from delinquent lawyers under a program that threatens to suspend their licenses to practice law unless they pay. The Colorado Supreme Court launched the program in July. It lets former spouses of lawyers collect the child support they're owed within six or seven weeks, said John Gleason, the court's deputy disciplinary counsel. He said his office has sent demand letters to about two dozen lawyers under the new system, giving them 30 days to pay past-due child support or have their licenses suspended. "They pay," Gleason said. Deadbeat parents in other professions statewide won't face loss of their professional licenses until July. And that process probably will take much longer than the speedy crackdown on lawyers, said Teresa Lawser, child-support enforcement manager in the state Department of Regulatory Agencies. Lawyers previously faced a much longer child-support discipline process. Gleason said it took so much time that it was rarely used, although the Supreme Court did suspend some lawyers' licenses over the years for nonpayment. "In the past it was kind of a toothless tiger," Gleason said. "It would take a long time. Now it's very quick." Now lawyers are asked on their annual license-renewal forms -- due at the end of February -- whether they have child-support obligations and whether they are in arrears. They may be disciplined if they lie. If they admit being behind, they quickly receive letters demanding they pay in order to keep their licenses. Gleason said his office quickly handles telephone complaints of nonpayment of child support from ex-spouses, their lawyers, judges and others. The number to call is (303) 893-8121 or toll-free (877) 888-1370. "Just today," Gleason said recently, "we got a letter from an ex-spouse, and we sent one of our investigators over to the district court to pull the court file and the court registry and found out the lawyer is in arrears about $35,000. The letter is already on its way." Gleason said the disciplinary staff will not act unless it finds proof in the original divorce file that child-support payments are in arrears. He said the staff has cracked down on successful and unsuccessful lawyers alike. The amounts they owe vary widely. "We have had them as low as a couple of thousand dollars, and we have had them as high as $60,000 or $70,000," Gleason said. Many of the lawyers who get the demand letters are angry about them, he said. "Initially, they believe that it's none of our business," he said, "until they are faced with the reality that they're going to be suspended if they don't pay. They come around." Under the old system, lawyers could argue to the state's lawyer-discipline authorities that the child support was too high or that the divorce judge had disregarded their inability to pay so much. The Supreme Court's disciplinary office does not listen to those arguments anymore, Gleason said. Now lawyers may have a hearing before a disciplinary judge, but there are only three ways to avoid license suspension for nonpayment of child support: Pay it, agree to a court-approved payment plan or file a motion with the divorce court to change the child support. "I'm very proud of the system," Gleason said. He said Chief Justice Anthony Vollack, now retired, initiated the system, and Chief Justice Mary Mullarkey has continued it. "It's good for the profession because the general public recognizes that the attorneys are policing themselves," Gleason said. "I don't think you're going to find this in other professions, enforcing it as actively as we are." He's right. Ex-spouses of other licensed professionals first must seek help from their county social services offices, which will investigate, try to collect unpaid child support and, eventually, ask Lawser's office for a license suspension if nothing else has worked. Lawser works with boards that license 27 professions in Colorado, including accountants, architects, barbers, hearing-aid dealers, nurses, midwives, plumbers, electricians, social workers, engineers and podiatrists. Real estate agents and insurance agents also are covered by the new child-support rules through Lawser's office. Once a license suspension is requested, deadbeat parents have varying times to pay up, depending on their professions, Lawser said. The individual licensing boards set the deadlines. Accountants and architects have 10 days to get their child-support payments current, but engineers and land surveyors have 30 days, physicians 45, Lawser said. People in other professions have 20 days. Pauline Burton, director of child-support enforcement for the state Department of Human Services, estimates that it takes a month or two for parents to collect child support owed by a licensed professional. "Probably from the time that Mom walks in the door to apply, I think it will take 30 to 60 days," she said. But unlike the former spouses of lawyers, ex-spouses seeking unpaid child support from other professionals may not ask Lawser's office directly for help. Like lawyers, deadbeat parents in other licensed professions will not be allowed to argue to state licensing officials that their child support is too high or that they cannot afford it, Lawser said. Those arguments must be made to the divorce judge. The licensing crackdown on deadbeat parents is required by a 1996 federal law. Colorado already is lifting driver's licenses of parents who don't pay. Threats to take away commercial drivers' licenses have netted the state $1.5 million in the first year, Burton said. "You send that first notice out and it really gets their attention," she said. In two or three years, the state will begin lifting recreational licenses such as those for hunting, fishing and boating, Lawser said. Lawser, who was hired in 1997 to run the program for the Department of Regulatory Agencies, said her office expects to find 2,500 to 4,000 deadbeat parents with state licenses on its first sweep of the records. "I have no mercy," she said. She said some deadbeat parents might try to protest that they will not be able to pay child support if their licenses are suspended because they will not be able to earn money. "Baloney," Lawser said. "I say, 'You weren't paying anyway."' "This isn't about taking away your way to make a living. It's a hammer -- to get you to understand you owe for that child." "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 1 19:47:03 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 19:47:03 -0500 Subject: Clergy networking group, responses to posts -2/1/99 Message-ID: <199902020043.TAA12048@mail.his.com> An Interfaith Brown-Bag Clergy/Laity Breakfast will meet Thurs, Fri, & Sat: 7:30 -8:30am at the Smart Marriage conference. Bring coffee and a bagel and swap ideas about what marriage strengthening initiatives have worked (or not) in your own local congregation. No registration needed. Just show up. This will provide clergy and lay leaders a chance to share information they've learned in workshops and institutes (everyone complains about not being able to be everywhere at once) as well as exchange ideas about what they've already tried, etc. Edward Santana-Grace will moderate. Any other special interests groups should contact me if you'd like to set-up a meeting, reserve a room, etc. Alumni Groups are scheduled to meet Sat from 4-5pm. For those who have trained in programs but for a variety of reasons aren't yet teaching or who are teaching and who want to share ideas or hear about the latest program innovations, web pages, marketing ideas, etc. Those holding reunions: Relationship Enhancement, PAIRS, PREP, Couples Coummunication, Family Wellness, IMAGO. ______________________ I met with Norway's Minister of Children and Family Affairs today and meet with a group from China tomorrow - both very interested in marriage education. Norway's project to provide marriage education nation-wide will be presented at the conference. -Diane Sollee _____________________ The following is a reply to the article about the Wisconsin marriage brochures. >Diane, >This brochure is a great plan! The B.C. Council for Families tried a >similar program province wide ten years ago. Unfortunately, the polical >climate was wrong and most of the vital statistics offices who >administer marriage liscences didn't hand out the brochures. I like the >connection about the hunting liscence. When you apply for one of those, >you get a pamphlet. The same should be true of marriage liscences! > >We have to get past this idea of government offices thinking that they >shouldn't hand out a brochure becasue somehow this is taking a moral >stand! How is it moralistic to promote healthy marriage but not healthy >hunting? > >Rosanne Lyster Rosanne, can we share the BC Council brochure? I still have one treasured copy and will compile a template from the best of these brochures from which others can work. Florida is working to improve their first quick version which was cranked out in time to comply with the Jan 1 implementation date of the Fla marriage legislation; there's the one referred to in the Wisconsin article; PREP did a great one for the state of Colorado a few years back - and I'll bet there are dozens of examples from which to pull information and ideas. The Coalition will serve as the clearinghouse and I'll post the best examples on the web site......AFTER the conference brochure is at the printers - which I hope is in a few weeks. ----- Here's another response to that article: >Dear Diane: > I think this is a very good idea. I also would like to see a "bulleted" list >of "troubleshooting problems" in the pamphlet (similar to manuals for a >VCR or >answering device), so that people would have some idea of when to seek >professional (or self-) help. > Alice V. Graubart, LCSW > Oak Park, Illinois > Like, the screen won't light up, or there is no sound, lots of static..... love that idea! Why don't you make a stab at drafting such a list. Diane __________________________ >Diane, >A brief comment on the Glass Marriage Pendulum column > re: the reference to men >"seeing what needs to be done, and doing it". I can envision and am >beginning to witness with couples that men, when given mentoring and >cultural "permission" are beginning to engage their >rightful place with their children and to collaborate with their partner. >The implied criticism in Glass' comment on men leaves out the eventual >shift that wives/mothers will have to make when women finally get this >desired change in men as the "new partner". I'd like to see her forewarn >women that they may not welcome easily all that accompanies this desired >change. When one part of the system is changed, >we know that all parts will need to shift as well. As I've seen in >workshops that my wife and I have done in the SF Bay area when women have >wanted "feelings" from their men: "well, I want your feelings, but not >that one". >Robert Jupe, LMFT Orinda, CA. _____________ On the Ginsberg Reply to Gottman: >Dear Diane, > >Many thanks for the letter from Barry Ginsberg. Barry, it's a fantastic >help in clarifying the current debate, and in providing some relevant >references for further investigation. Incidentally, it will be very >helpful with the Marriage Counselling Unit we are working on at Australian >Catholic University. > >Diane, thanks again for providing this fantastic link with others >interested in smart marriages, and the constant update of information. >Dr Moira Eastman >Senior Lecturer, School of Arts and Sciences, >Australian Catholic University _____ >Hi Dianne > >I enjoyed reading Ginsberg's response to Gottman's Feb '98 article. I am >intrigued with Gottmans reccomendation as quoted by Ginsberg: > > "Gottman and his colleagues suggest that " the alternative to the >active listening model suggested by these analyses is a model of >gentleness, soothing, and de-escalation of negativity"(p.17). " > >In my experience, this is exactly what active listening does for many >couples - especially once they have learned to use it well. I am >wondering what others think? > >Rosanne "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 3 14:34:28 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 14:34:28 -0500 Subject: National Marriage Project: Cohabitation Report Message-ID: <199902031931.OAA16665@mail.his.com> The National Marriage Project Report is now available for free for single copies. Bulk copies avaialbe at cost ($1.50 per copy.) To request a copy or other project publications contact: The National Marriage Project, RUTGERS--The State University of New Jersey, 25 Bishop Place, New Brunswick, NJ 08901 (732) 932-2722 -or- marriage at rci.rutgers.edu Be sure to include your address and zip or country postal codes. David Popenoe and Barbara Whitehead will present at the July conference with updates and policy implications of this project and others. *************** Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage: A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research. OVERVIEW: A publication in the National Marriage Project's Next Generation Series, the report assesses current information and attitudes about cohabitation and its impact on marriage, families and young adults' life choices. Published in January 1999. 20 pp. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead COHABITATION IS REPLACING MARRIAGE AS THE FIRST LIVING TOGETHER EXPERIENCE FOR YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN. When blushing brides walk downthe aisle in the 90s, more than half have already lived together with a boyfriend. A careful review of the available social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. What's more, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend. Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose clear and present dangers for women and children. Specifically, the research indicates that: -Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage. -Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children. -Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and wellbeing than married couples. Many young people do not know the basic facts about cohabitation and its risks. Nor are parents, teachers, clergy and others who instruct the young in matters of sex, love and marriage well acquainted with the social science evidence. Therefore, one purpose of this paper is to report on the available research. A second purpose of this paper is to offer four principles to guide thinking on the question: "should we live together?" These principles may not be the last words on the subject but they are consistent with the available evidence and seem most likely to help never-married young adults avoid painful and damaging losses in their love lives and achieve satisfying and long-lasting relationships and marriage. 1. Consider not living together at all before marriage. Cohabitation appears not to be helpful and may be harmful as a try-out for marriage. There is no evidence that if you decide to cohabit before marriage you will have a stronger marriage than those who don't live together, and some evidence to suggest that if you live together before marriage, you are more likely to break up after marriage. Cohabitation is probably least harmful (though not necessarily helpful) when it is prenuptial--when both partners are definitely planning to marry, have formally announced their engagement and have picked a wedding date. 2. Do not make a habit of cohabiting. Be aware of the dangers of multiple living together experiences, both for your own sense of wellbeing and for your chances of establishing a strong lifelong partnership. Contrary to popular wisdom, you do not learn to have better relationships from multiple failed cohabiting relationships. In fact, multiple cohabiting is a strong predictor of the failure of future relationships. 3. Limit cohabitation to the shortest possible period of time. The longer you live together with a partner, the more likely it is that the low-commitment ethic of cohabitation will take hold, the opposite of what is required for a successful marriage. 4. Do not cohabit if children are involved. Children need and should have parents who are committed to staying together over the long term. Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents and the effects of breakup can be devastating and often long lasting. Moreoever, children living in cohabiting unions are at higher risk of sexual abuse and physical violence, including lethal violence, than are children living with married parents. Single copies available on request. Bulk copies available at cost. To request a copy of this report or other publications of the National Marriage Project, please contact us: The National Marriage Project, RUTGERS--The State University of New Jersey, 25 Bishop Place, New Brunswick, NJ 08901 (732) 932-2722 or marriage at rci.rutgers.edu Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 3 20:38:49 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 20:38:49 -0500 Subject: Teen Pregnancy - 2/3/99 Message-ID: <199902040135.UAA06971@mail.his.com> Lisa Rue will present a workshop on an educational program on teen abstinence "Friends First/Wait Program" at the Smart Marriages conference. This article helps define the issues. U.S. teen pregnancy? By Cheryl Wetzstein THE WASHINGTON TIMES Americans dither on the kind of pregnancy-prevention messages they want to send to teens, Europeans are in their second decade of saying young people should have "safe sex or no sex." Some U.S. reproductive health experts think the European model deserves a chance here. France, Germany and the Netherlands all enjoy lower rates of teen births, abortions and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) than American teens. Also, European teens typically start sexual activity later than American teens and have fewer sexual partners, says a report by Advocates for Youth (AFY). However, a quick review of U.S. media and health care policies shows that a European-style safe-sex message would hit numerous barriers here. A recent forum hosted by AFY, a reproductive health advocacy group, showed numerous European "safe sex" campaigns, several of which started in the 1980s. One TV ad showed a beautiful woman tossing a handsome man out of her bed when he refused to use a condom. Another showed a couple breaking off an embrace long enough to pull a classy-looking condom out of a pocket. Other commercials had such messages as, "I'll take something off if you put something on," "Your condom or mine?" or "Talk about contraception while your pants are still on." These messages, given throughout European schools and society with government and public support, create national expectations that if teens decide to become sexually active, they will protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy and disease. In Europe, needing an abortion is shameful because it's not deciding to have sex responsibly, experts told the AFY forum. In America, however, there are "contradictory" and "confused" norms and policies about teen sexuality, AFY President James Wagoner said in the group's report, "European Approaches to Adolescent Sexual Behavior and Responsibility." The U.S. entertainment industry often encourages sex, while a new federal policy says that teens should abstain from sex until marriage, said Mr. Wagoner. Meanwhile, 70 percent of U.S. 18-year-olds have had sexual intercourse, he said. "We cannot afford to ignore the needs of sexually active youth," Mr. Wagoner said. "Could the 'silver bullet' solution for the United States be mass-media campaigns like those in Europe that boast a single, consistent message -- 'safe sex or no sex'?" he asked. Focus on the Family, a traditional values group, has three words for this suggestion: non, nein and neen. The European model has led to "skyrocketing" rates of out-of-wedlock births and cohabitation because it "removes all links between sexual behavior and the institution of marriage," Focus on the Family said in a statement on the AFY report. Safe-sex messages have already been tried and failed in this country, the group said. The trend toward sexual abstinence until marriage is working, so "why would we want to replace an approach that is working with one that will take us in the wrong direction?" it asked. These policy arguments are far from over. However, a quick look at one successful European campaign -- the Netherlands' "Double Dutch" -- shows that it would not replicate easily in this country. The "Double Dutch" campaign urges girls to take oral contraceptives and boys to use condoms. By using both kinds of contraceptives, young people have "double" protection against pregnancy and STDs, says the AFY report. The first barrier "Double Dutch" would hit in the United States is the virtual blackout on condom ads on TV. The National Association of Broadcasters lifted a ban on contraceptive advertising in 1982, "yet most major networks still air no commercials or public health campaigns that deal with condoms, contraception or sexual risk reduction," AFY said in its report. Networks fear a public "backlash," the report explained. "All the major networks do not accept, as policy, condom advertising," concurred Jim Cowsert, brand manager for Durex, a condom company that started a teen-pregnancy prevention campaign with actress Jane Fonda in 1997. Mr. Cowsert said Durex ads have appeared on a few cable channels, such as MTV, but were restricted to evening hours. MTV has also created and aired its own public service announcements on condoms, but most teen-pregnancy prevention messages on TV are noncontroversial or promote abstinence, said Marisa Nightingale of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. When people ask for donated time for their public service announcements, they are likely to stick to messages "that won't stir up added controversy, she said. Even if American teens could get a "Double Dutch" message, they would have trouble obtaining the contraceptives, reproductive health experts said. In France, Germany and the Netherlands, most people have health insurance, and girls can get oral contraceptives without getting pelvic exams or their parents' permission. Condoms are also readily available, either in clinics for free, or in stores, restaurants and clubs for pennies. In America, 23 states and the District of Columbia explicitly allow teens to get contraceptives, and no state "explicitly mandates parental involvement" when teens seek contraceptive services, the Alan Guttmacher Institute (AGI) said. But teens still struggle with issues relating to confidentiality, transportation to doctor's offices or clinics, pelvic-exam requirements and substantial financial costs. Only 33 percent of private health plans pay for oral contraceptives, the AFY report said, and other experts say most teens would have to pay between $18 and $25 a month for them. For these and other reasons, teen use of oral contraceptives has dropped from 64 percent in 1982 to 44 percent in 1995, an AGI study found. Parental involvement in teen contraceptive use remains an active issue. Last year, House Republicans, led by Rep. Ernest Istook of Oklahoma, passed an amendment barring family planning clinics that get federal Title X funds from giving teens services without written parental consent or parental notification. This amendment died in the Senate but is likely to be revived this year, House aides said. Condoms are a popular contraceptive in the United States and are distributed free in thousands of clinics and other health services. But American teens still do not have the same easy access as do European teens. Condom vending machines --common in Europe -- are rare in America, said the AFY report. And condoms can be expensive, said Leslie Watson, who works with youth at the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Health. "Good ones" can cost $7 to $10 a box, she said. Despite these barriers, Miss Watson is one of many experts who thinks the European "safe-sex-or-no-sex" message "is one that we should be looking at closely." "We need to start testing some new methods and looking at new paradigms," she said. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Feb 4 18:05:29 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 18:05:29 -0500 Subject: Call for Family Supportive Tax Reform - 1/21/99 Message-ID: <199902042302.SAA18348@mail.his.com> "A Call for Family Supportive Tax Reform", a consensus statement released on January 21, 1999 by the Institute for American Values and signed by a prominent bi-partisan group of scholars and activists, urges the President and lawmakers to craft broadly based family-supportive tax policy. The current tax code thoughtlessly punishes two-career married couples by taxing them at higher rates than similar cohabiting couples. Our current tax code, the Call's signers argue, "not only fails to support marriage," but actually treats the marriage partnership less favorably" than other economic partnerships and is "unacceptable." The future health of our kids and our society demands taking a new look at the way in which government policy -- including tax policy -- undermines marriage as an institution. "A Call for Family-Supportive Tax Reform" may be downloaded from the Institute's website at www.americanvalues.org. Copies are also available free of charge from the Institute for American Values; 1841 Broadway, Suite 211; New York, New York 10023; Tel: (212) 246-3942; Fax: (212) 541-6665; Email: iav at worldnet.att.net *************** "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 5 09:45:12 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 09:45:12 -0500 Subject: Working Fewer Hours Doesn't Ensure Happy Marriage/Sotile -2/1/99 Message-ID: <199902051441.JAA21097@mail.his.com> Wayne and Mary Sotile will present two sessions at the Smart Marriages conference. USA TODAY? - MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1999 Working fewer hours doesn't ensure a happy marriage By Wayne M. Sotile and Mary O. Sotile The wild world of sports seems to be trying to tell us something about balancing work and family.? In the past month alone: -Coach Jimmy Johnson of the Miami Dolphins came close to quitting due to family stresses, then was lured back with he promise that a new assistant head coach would free him to spend more time with is aging father and his bride-to-be. -Minnesota Vikings coach Dennis Green found turning 50 with a new wife and two young children motivated him to re prioritize his life. -"Jordan Retires to Car pool" announced the end of the most storied sports career in history. - And, of course, Atlanta Falcons coach Dan Reeves' recovery from heart surgery reminds us there is nothing like a brush with death to underscore that the most important part of life is spending time with people you love. The less-is-more myth Stories like these, however, fuel the popular lore that working too many hours is the major threat to marriage and family harmony. That's an erroneous message, but one that appeals to a larger audience today than ever before.? We now have nearly 40 million two-income families in America.? Nearly a third of our workers take work home at least once each week, and 73% of those in larger offices do weekend work.? A recent five-year study found work to blame for stress at home. But statistics and headlines that imply that just working less leads to a happier life are misleading.? Our many years as marriage therapists suggest that, in truth, working fewer hours does not guarantee marriage and family health, nor does it assure the much-sought-after balanced life. One reason is our fast-moving lifestyle.? We thrive on change and on the challenge of juggling multiple roles, regardless of how much time we spend at work.? We continually shift from overinvolvement in one role to focusing on some relatively neglected part of our life.? Regardless of our occupation, our age or whether one or both mates work outside the home, true marriage and family health comes only if we avoid hurting our relationships as we try to balance all of our roles. Getting it all There also is the self-absorption that comes from our quest for the perfect body, mind, spirit and relationship.? As noble as our intentions may be, the stress that comes when we rush to get it all can drive the fun and romance out of our relationships. The many ways busyness can hurt our relationships are sobering.? We grow accustomed, for example, to doing and thinking many things at once.? Have you ever found yourself eating a bagel while reading the newspaper, listening to the news and having "quality time" with loved ones? We are competitive, perfectionists and controlling out of habit, even when we are supposedly having a relaxing time.? Have you ever blurted out driving instructions from the passenger seat, even though you knew that would chill an otherwise enjoyable date? We justify our irritability with thoughts such as, "This isn't really me treating my loved ones poorly; I'm really a caring person.? This is just me struggling to recuperate from another grueling day.? The real me will show up later." Our sports heroes are calling attention to an indisputable fact:? Excessive work can take its toll on family life.? Cutting back on the sheer number of work hours may, indeed, prove to be a necessary part of the ongoing revolution to create healthier families. But working less will not suffice.? No matter how balanced our roles, we must pay attention to how we treat each other. Only then can we -- and those we love -- have a real chance to be happy. Motivational speakers Wayne and Mary Sotile are co-authors of Supercouple Syndrome: How Overworked Couples Can Beat Stress Together (John Wiley & Sons, 1998). "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 5 12:23:03 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 12:23:03 -0500 Subject: Is your spouse hurting your heart? -1/26/99 Message-ID: <199902051719.MAA07783@mail.his.com> Is your spouse hurting your heart? Study: a controlling partner may cause your blood pressure to soar MSNBC STAFF AND WIRE REPORTS Jan. 26 ? Couples plagued by routine marital strife are undoubtedly in an unhealthy situation. And now a study has documented just how detrimental that squabbling can be. Researchers at the University of Utah found that people whose spouses are particularly dominant or controlling experience blood pressure hikes that may raise their risk of heart disease. Research has shown that couples who have been taught fair-fighting skills have smaller increases in blood pressure when they argue. IN THE STUDY, published in the current issue of the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, researchers hooked 45 young couples up to blood-pressure monitors and asked them to argue opposing positions on a given topic ? how to carry out large teaching staff cuts at a hypothetical local school. Participants also completed questionnaires about their marital relationship. Results showed that arguing with a partner who was perceived as dominant was associated with larger increases in blood pressure than arguing with a spouse considered to be more submissive, reported lead author Timothy W. Smith, chairman of the psychology department at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. Smith said people whose partners are particularly controlling are at greatest risk. ?They are certainly experiencing the greatest cardiovascular stress,? he said. Husbands or wives who perceived their spouses as submissive tended to have the smallest increase in blood pressure during arguments, according to the report. A FAIR FIGHT What can be done to improve the situation? Smith suggests that combative couples get help to learn how to argue more fairly. Research has shown that couples who have been taught fair-fighting skills have smaller increases in blood pressure when they argue, he said. ?For example, they learn not to demean or belittle the other person?s opinions and not to attack their character,? Smith explained. ?They also learn not to attribute malicious intent to their opponent. They are taught to clearly and effectively express their own feelings about something and to make sure to express an understanding of the other person?s point of view before moving on to explaining their own.? An expert in marital relations said the study results aren?t surprising. Researchers have been looking into the role of emotions as an influence on hypertension since the 1950s, said Dr. Dave M. Davis, director of the Piedmont Psychiatric Clinic in Atlanta. ?It?s pretty well accepted that anger has something to do with hypertension,? he said. On the other hand, being nice also has health effects, Davis said. For example, one researcher asked a group of men to take the time to kiss their wives good-bye in the morning and as a greeting in the evening. The result? Their blood pressure dropped, Davis said. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 6 15:33:55 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 15:33:55 -0500 Subject: radio/cohabitation/requests for info/misc - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902062030.PAA22830@mail.his.com> Wayne and Mary Sotile will be on WCNN national radio Monday, 2/8, at approximately 9:15 Eastern time, discussing the implications of "Supercouple Syndrome" for work/family balancing issues. And we all know that's one of the challenges that all couples face these days, one income, or two. - diane ___________________ David Popenoe, Diane Sollee and others have been interviewed for a spot on NPR Morning Edition to air sometime week of Feb 8th on the cohabitation report just issued by Popenoe/ Whitehead and the National Marriage Project, "Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage: A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research" We'll soon have the full cohabitation report posted on the cmfce web page and you'll be able to download from there. In the meantime, for a free printed copy email: marriage at rci.rutgers.edu Be sure to include your address and zip or country postal codes. It has been a surprisingly controversial "research summary." That's because it surprises people to hear that cohabitation doesn't protect against divorce - which is understandably upsetting NEWS to lots of people. Cohabitation is the only thing most young couples (and old couples! and parents!) can think of that might slow the divorce epidemic - "try things out" first to avoid marriage mistakes/mismatches. Imagine the universal discouragement that's hitting the fan as people are confronted with the statistics and discover that this well meaning experiment isn't helping! Cohabitation isn't an effective preventive strategy! Test driving the car isn't preventing highway fatalities. The same people are amazed to hear that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. We think everyone knows this by now, but most people just can't believe it. It's so counter intuitive - it just seems obvious that people would learn from their mistakes in a failed first marriage, and do better next time around. That's like saying if you lose a football game you'll win the next one -- to which I say, only if you learn some skills, some new pass plays, before you go back on the field. There is hope, and it's up to us to get the good news out to couples that there is lots that couples can do to improve their odds. They can get smart about this whole marriage/family business. ___________________ >Diane >I get a lot of requests for statistics on the following topics, but I don't >know if there are studies out there. Are there? > >1. Inter-religious marriages >2. Interracial marriages >3. International marriages >4. Divorce rates broken down by religion. > >I know that the raw data exists for interracial and international divorces, >because race and birthplace are collected on the vital statistics forms >submitted with every divorce decree. > >I have heard claims made about all these topics, which leads me to think >perhaps they are based on something. But what? > >All I have found about international marriages (and interracial, sort of) >is a news story saying Chinese in Shanghai are more likely to divorce if >they marry a foreigner. > >This is the latest of many requests I have gotten: >---------------- >>Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 20:43:45 EST >> >>I am looking to find information on the divorce rate among interfaith >>marriages (specifically Catholic and Protestant) and intercultural marriages >>(especially WASP and Hispanic). Could you help me locate this information? >Thanks, John Crouch ( I'd start by directing this inquiry to Barbara Markey at Creighton Univ who will present her comprehensive research on all of the above including interfaith couples at the July conference. Reach her at bmarkey at omahaflo.creighton.edu - Diane) ________________________________________________________ >My advisor and I are interested in identifying a measure of "respect for >diversity" to give to adolescents in families where divorce has occurred. >This measure would gauge the adolescents' tolerance for diversity in a >broad sense including concepts like the acceptance of new ideas and >different values, level of flexibility, and the ability to see things from >various perspectives. We have not had any luck finding scales that tap >this construct and were wondering if anyone was aware of any that exist. >Please respond directly to me at lucindas at ag.arizona.edu. If other people >are interested in this >information, I would be happy to compile what I learn and post it back to >the Network. Thanks! > >Lucinda S. Richmond (that's a great "rhetorical measure" - if it does nothing but let adolescents know that you are measuring their level of ability to tolerate difference as a measure of maturity it has to improve things, especially in remarried families. Might also let the adults know you're measuring them on the same abilities. Please share what you come up with with this list. -Diane) __________________ This was reply to a request for information about what you get in the Relationship Enhancement Training Pre conference institute at the July Smart Smart Marriages conference. Thought it interesting enough to share with the list. This is Wed & Thursday, June 30 & July 1. Limited enrollment, brochures w/ registration forms should reach you by the first week of March. >To: Dianne Prescott > >I am responding to your inquiry to the Smart Marriages Conference about >the 2-day Leader's training in the Relationship Enhancement Program. > >The 2-day workshop is designed to give participants comprehensive >preparation, and authorization, to lead Relationship Enhancement >groups. The workshop will cover the fundamentals about the Relationship >Enhancement Program and show how each skill is taught and demonstrated >to couples. There will also be frequent opportunity for participants to >themselves practice what the workshop leaders model by breaking up into >triads and on a rotating basis practice being a workshop leader. >Participants will receive supervision and feedback on their efforts. > >All participants in the workshop will receive a Relationship Enhancement >Program Leader's Manual and a packet of supplementary materials. > >Participants will also be able to purchase an audio tape that can be >used for demonstration purposes, as well as Participant and Auxiliary >Manuals that can either be given or resold to couples. > >The Relationship Enhancement Program is one of the oldest and >best-researched psycho-educational couples/family program in existence. >Indeed, the research demonstrates that RE is the most effective >psycho-educational program in terms of improved relationship >satisfaction. > >We would love to have you attend our workshop on June 30-July 1. > >If I can be of any further assistance, or answer any additional >questions, please email me or feel to call: 301-279-7404. > >Best regards, > >Rob Scuka, Ph.D., M.S.W., LCSW-C >Director of Couples Programs and Certifed Relationship Enhancement >Trainer _________________________________> And here is a post off the Divorce Busting web site (www.divorcebusting.com) of Michele Weiner-Davis, just to keep us all inspired: >DEAR MICHELE, >I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND LEFT A MONTH AGO BUT LAST NITE HE CAME >BACK AND IS MOVING HOME TODAY> WE HAVE SOME THINGS TO WORK ON. AND YES HE >CAME >BACK TO BE WITH ME. I AM DONE READING DB AND HE IS READING IT. WE HAVE >LEARNED >SO MUCH FROM YOUR BOOK I WILL KEEP THIS BOOK CLOSE SO THINGS DON`T GO THIS >FAR >AGAIN. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO WRITE ME AND GAVE ME ADVISE. I HOPE YA`LL >CAN >GET TO WERE U NEED TO BE IN YOUR MARRIAGE THANKS SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY >EYES!!!! 15 YEARS AND GOING TERRIE > "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 6 21:11:22 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 21:11:22 -0500 Subject: Colorado Covenant watered down - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902070207.VAA25615@mail.his.com> Panel OKs 'covenant marriage' Watered-down version only suggests couples seek out counseling By Dan Luzadder News Capitol Bureau / February 5, 1999 A watered-down version of the proposed "covenant marriage" bill cleared the House Judiciary Committee Thursday, but it no longer restricts no-fault divorces. Rep. Mark Paschall, R-Arvada, the bill's sponsor, agreed to replace most of the original language with what amounts to a "suggestion" that couples seek counseling before marriage. The reworded proposal declares that couples should consider marriage a lifelong commitment, and agree to "mediation and arbitration" when things are not going well. The original bill would have offered couples seeking a marriage license the option of a covenant marriage, a legally binding contract that required counseling, and stipulated the grounds on which one spouse could seek a divorce. Those grounds included adultery, alcohol or drug abuse, child abuse, commission of a felony and physical or sexual abuse. Violating those restrictions could have affected property settlements in a divorce. Even supporters of that bill said there were concerned about provisions that required counseling -- even when there was evidence of domestic abuse. The modified version, which removed all of those provisions, passed the Judiciary Committee on an 8-5 vote and was sent to the full House for debate. But Rep. Marcy Morrison, R-Manitou Springs, still quarreled with the bill's intent. "I hear from my constituents all the time, 'stay out of my bedroom, stay out of my house,"' she said. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Feb 7 18:49:37 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 18:49:37 -0500 Subject: intermarriage/Marketchat/Chile/affairs/conf/requests-1/99 Message-ID: <199902072346.SAA16548@mail.his.com> Diane: In answer to some of the queries that have come in, perhaps the best single source of information on intermarriages is Matthijs Kalmijn, "Intermarriage and Homogamy: Causes, Patterns, Trends" In Annual Review of Sociology, Vol. 24, 1998: pp. 395-421. It can be downloaded from the net at http://social.annualreviews.org. -David Popenoe ---------------- Dick Anderson, president of AdVentures, will present three sessions on marketing at the Smart Marriages July conference. In 1998 he introduced MarketChat, a free on-line chat room, in response to an interest expressed by marketing workshop attendees to have a place to exchange marketing ideas. MarketChat's format was recently upgraded from a live chat room to an interactive message board. It still functions as a place where professionals can meet others in their field to exchange marketing information. And it still at the same address - www.advenweb.com/marketchat.html. However it is no longer dependent on having other's on line when you drop in. You simply leave your message, hot ideas, or questions and others respond or comment as they have time to visit. This is an invaluable FREE service as we try to figure out why, with all the misery and divorce, it's such a challenge to get people to take classes. I hope you'll use it as a testing arena to get reactions to your marketing ideas - an on-line focus group! Please, any of you who use it and get helpful ideas, copy them to me and I'll pass them on to the CMFCE list, and maybe we can get the all of CMFCE using MarketChat and really do something with it. Anderson and practice development consultant Linda Lawless (Smart Marriages Marketing Institute co-presenters), visit MarketChat regularly to monitor questions and offer their opinions when appropriate - more FREE advice! They invite you to bring samples of your brochures, logos, etc to the institute for free analysis. They'll also have a booth at the conference for this purpose. A FREE quarterly newsletter summary of MarketChat is also available by e-mail request at advennet at aolcom You can't beat that! _diane sollee ------------------------ Diane, Does anybody have any information whether there are any studies done on effectiveness, problems, concerns regarding a 50/50 type of shared placement in child custody matters. Especially where school years are alternated. We would appreciate any information that you may have with local jurisdictions approving such arrangements and direction to articles on the subject. ______________________ A co-worker mentioned to me that he had read some where that those working in the computer industry were listed 3rd highest in the divorce statistics. I've not been able to find any data to substantiate his claim. Can you point me to any statistics regarding divorce rates as a function of professional background? Regards, Ron Anyone?? ________________________ Dec 29, 1998 NEW BISHOP OF VALPARAISO AFFIRMS THAT LEGALIZING DIVORCE IN CHILE IS "CONTRARY TO THE TRUE GOOD OF THE NATION" Santiago, 29 (NE) In a participated Eucharistic celebration, the Catholic people of Valparaiso welcomed this week their new Bishop, Gonzalo Duarte Garcia de Cortazar. Addressing all the Catholics of Valparaiso, Bishop Duarte manifested his happiness upon beginning his work serving the Church as the Pastor of the diocese. During his homily, the Prelate commented on the topic of the family also pointing out that "Marriage and the family are subjects of major tensions and crisis, derived mainly from sin, which affects us all". In spite of this, he reminded us that the family "is way of the Church and is the greatest gift of God to each one of his sons". Likewise, the Bishop of Valparaiso asserted his opposition to the bill in process that would legalize divorce, pointing out that "we find ourselves before a project that favors the wide use of divorce and is consequently contrary to the true good of the nation". ________________ this from a California brochure - sharing it just for the phrase "fluid family structure of the 90's"..... Strengthening Step-families tackles the traumas and opportunities of the fluid family structure of the '90s, including the remolding, reshaping and repopulating of family units through divorce and remarriage. Participants will discover the potential joys and opportunities of their new families as Strengthening Step-families teaches the skills that help children and teens adjust to their changed family and help pinpoint the developmental stages in the step-family. Strengthening Step-families is taught in a five-week, two-hours per-session format. The course will be offered throughout the year at the Cultural Center. ...from Antelope Valley Press News, January 4, 1999. ___________________ I am working with individuals and couples who speak both English and Japanese. If there is anyone who is also using two languages, please contact me. I would like to share some ideas on my observations in this unique setting. Ron Hankins Hankins at try-net.or.jp __________________ For information on the 6th International Family Violence Research Conference July 25th - July 28th New England Conference Center and Hotel, Durham NH consult the web site: http://www.unh.edu/frl/conf99home.htm __________________________ Dear members and friends of Americans for Divorce Reform: The Midyear Conference of the National Lawyers' Association will include a 3-hour session on Family Law Reform and Covenant Marriage on the morning of Saturday, Feb. 13. Panelists include Prof. Lynn Wardle of the Brigham Young University Law School, Len Munsil of the Center for Arizona Policy, NLA Family Law Section Chair Kevin Senich, and John Crouch, Executive Director of Americans for Divorce Reform. The conference will be held in Chandler, Arizona (near Phoenix) at the Sheraton San Marcos resort. Arizona is the second state to pass Covenant Marriage legislation. This is the annual midyear meeting of the NLA, formed as an alternative to the ABA. As with the ABA, the summer annual meeting is longer than the midyear, with a lot more programs. To register or get more information, call the National Lawyers Association at 1-800-471-2994. For more information on the NLA, their web site is http://www.nla.org Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 8 23:43:13 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 23:43:13 -0500 Subject: Wrld Marriage Day/marital happiness measures/requests/ - Message-ID: <199902090439.XAA11398@mail.his.com> Hundreds Renew Marriage Vows At Special Mass feb/8/99 Los Angeles Times Hundreds of couples gathered Sunday at St. John Baptist de la Salle Church in Granada Hills to renew their wedding vows before Cardinal Roger M. Mahony. The special Mass was celebrated to mark World Marriage Day 1999, a day honoring all married couples throughout the United States and in many countries around the world. World Marriage Day is celebrated each year in February and most often on Valentine's Day, said Joan Vienna, director of the Office of Family Life of the Los Angeles Archdiocese, which has hosted celebrations for the past 28 years in the five pastoral regions that make up the archdiocese. Mahony presided over the worship service, during which the couples received a commemorative ribbon and certificate. They were later feted at a reception in the church courtyard. "There are many who say it is impossible to live in a committed relationship with the same person for 10 years, five years, or even two months," Mahony said, getting a huge laugh from the congregation. "But you are proof that it is possible." __________________ Would anyone happen to have the full citation for the statistics appearing in this article? Thank you, Chip Partridge >USA SNAPSHOTS >"A look at statistics that shape the nation" -USA Today 4/13/98 > >Youg adults' priorities >What Americans ages 18-34 say are their highest priorities for life and >the precentage point change from 1989: > >Priority % Today (change since 1989) > >1) Close-knit family 83% (+15%) !! >2) Job/career 68% (-4%) >3) Financial success 57% (+6%) >4) Job that helps people 44% (NA) >5) Religious involvement 42% (+4%) >6) Helping community 33% (+9%) > > >(Percentages rating these priorities 9 or 10 on a sclae of 1-10) _________________________ this thread is running on the Family Sci list....thought some of you might like to listen in: >You asked for a short tool to assess likelihood of marital happiness or >divorce, particularly related to new marriages expecting their first child From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 9 15:18:43 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 15:18:43 -0500 Subject: replies & Resending marital happiness thread -2/99 Message-ID: <199902092015.PAA05380@mail.his.com> >Diane, > > I am replying on behalf of Drs. Michael Lawler and Barbara Markey >of the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University to recent >inquiries you have received about "inter-religious" marriages and "divorce >rates by religion." Rates of inter-religious or interfaith marriage, as >well as divorce rates by religion, are hard to determine because >government agencies do not record the religious affiliation of individuals >who marriage or divorce. Recent scholarly sources indicate that religious >heterogamy has increased over recent decades and can no longer be >understood simply in terms of Protestant/Catholic or Jewish/Christian >marriages. The Center for Marriage and Family is currently completing a >three-year study on interchurch marriages, that is, marriages in which >both spouses identify with a different Christian denomination. A report >of our findings, based on a national survey of both interchurch and >same-church respondents, will be available soon. > >Gail S. Risch >Center for Marriage and Family >Creighton University > Yes, this research will be presented at the Smart Marriages conference in a workshopon interfaith marriages. -Diane ___________________________________________________ >> On the Colorado Covenent "watered down" article: >> The modified version, which removed all of those provisions, passed the >> Judiciary Committee on an 8-5 vote and was sent to the full House for >> debate. >> >> But Rep. Marcy Morrison, R-Manitou Springs, still quarreled with the >> bill's intent. >> >> "I hear from my constituents all the time, 'stay out of my bedroom, stay >> out of my house,"' she said. >Lee sez: The law cannot 'stay out' of a persons' house...if they have >illegal drugs, a search may be done at any time. A tax return is required >every year...people must obey the law. Privacy is not any shield for >illegal behaviour, whether it is assaulting a wife, or not insuring that >the couples' marriage will work...this IS the states' responsibility. >Who do these people think they are? They have to obey orders >AND the law at the job site, they must do the same at home. > Lee C. W. Hutchison II. I'm told the following didn't get through....that it was chopped off, so will send it again: this thread is running on the Family Sci list....thought some of you might like to listen in: >You asked for a short tool to assess likelihood of marital happiness or >divorce, particularly related to new marriages expecting their first child From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 9 19:29:10 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 19:29:10 -0500 Subject: Trying to resend cut-off thread - how annoying! -2/9/99 Message-ID: <199902100025.TAA15887@mail.his.com> I'm told the following didn't get through....that it was chopped off, so will send it again: this thread is running on the Family Sci list....thought some of you might like to listen in: >You asked for a short tool to assess likelihood of marital happiness or >divorce, particularly related to new marriages expecting their first child From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 10 23:50:57 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 23:50:57 -0500 Subject: Looking for Love in the 21st Century? New Survey Finds... Message-ID: <199902110447.XAA14549@mail.his.com> interesting article... Looking for Love in the 21st Century? New Survey Finds... Wed, 10 Feb 1999 Looking for Love in the 21st Century? New Survey Finds Guys Will Still Feel the Price of Romance EMMAUS, Pa., Feb. 10 /PRNewswire/ -- If guys think that finding true love in the next century is going to be easier on their wallets, a new survey finds they may not want to cancel that credit card too soon. But, the survey also finds that while guys may have to pay for everything from dinner to flowers, they may be surprised at what the object of their affection is wearing when they arrive at her doorstep. The nationwide survey of adults, conducted for Men's Health magazine by ORC International, finds that in the 21st Century, most adults expect that men will pay for items such as sending flowers (73%), buying dinner (69%) or splurging on romantic getaways (66%) with majorities of both men and women stating as such. Additionally, the survey finds that men will still have to dig into their pockets for items such as movie or concert tickets, with slightly more than half (51%) expecting this to be the normal practice in relationships. Just how will women be spending their money to keep relationships hot in the new millennium? According to the survey, more than half of women (61%) expect they will pay for sexy undergarments to keep the flames of passion going. The Men's Health survey also finds that women will do more than just wear sexy lingerie to get their man's attention. They also expect to be just as willing to take the lead when it comes to sexual relations. According to the findings, while nearly two-thirds of adults (63%) believe that men are most likely to initiate sexual relations in today's world, in the next century 48% believe that women with either initiate (24%) or be as likely to initiate (24%) sex as a man. "Romance probably won't be any cheaper for most guys in the new millennium, but at least they won't always have to make the first move with their mate," says Mike Lafavore, Editor-in-Chief for Men's Health magazine. The survey reports that in today's world, guys are most likely to pay for most elements of a romance with men expected to cover the costs for sending flowers (85%), buying dinner (84%), paying for a romantic getaway (80%), and, buying tickets for movies or concerts (64%). "The good news for guys is that fewer of them will have to pay for everything in a relationship," says Lafavore. "The bad news is most guys will still have to keep their credit cards handy." Don't expect me to get that door for you. While guys will most likely still pick up the tab for dinner in the next century, women shouldn't be surprised if guys are less willing to go out of their way to help them into their chair. According to the survey, most adults believe that fewer men will be very likely to open a car door for women (23%), hang up a women's coat (23%), pull out a chair for a woman (22%), or give up their seat on a bus or subway (18%). "While we don't expect chivalry to die, it may only be practiced by Jedi Knights in the next century," states Lafavore. "Women don't expect it, and guys don't know the rules anymore." Just how will guys meet their mates in the coming century? According to the survey, most adults believe that friends or family (48%) will be the most likely way for people to meet their mates. Other popular ways will include through religious or church activities (40%); online (32%) via the Internet; at the office (32%); at health clubs (27%); and at the local tavern, with 26% of those surveyed stating this to be the most likely way people will find their true love. However, dating services will lose their charm in the coming years, with only 16% of adults saying that people will likely find romance with this method. What will make relationships successful in the years ahead? Once adults find their mates and take that long walk down the aisle, they're not quite sure what it will take to make a relationship work over the long haul. According to the survey, slightly less than half of adults (44%) believe that one spouse staying at home with the children will be very important to having a successful relationship in the 21st Century. This is especially true among older adults with 50% of those aged 55 and over stating as such compared to only 41% of those under 55 saying this to be very important. However, almost as many adults (43%) believe that both spouses having a career will make for successful relationships in the next century. Again, while one- third (34%) of those age 55 and older believe this to be very important to relationships in the next century, almost half (46%) of those under age 55 believe that a dual-career couple is central to a relationship's success. Only one-fifth (22%) of adults surveyed state that the key for successful relationships will be for one spouse to be the primary breadwinner. Similarly, among those age 55 and older nearly one-third (32%) believe this to be very important compared to 19% of those under age 55 who state as such. Whether or not both spouses have careers, they will be taking vacations together in the coming century. According to the survey, only 15% of those questioned believe that each spouse should take a personal getaway without the other for their relationship to be successful. Finally, while the key to successful relationships in the coming century may change, the survey finds that men and women still see themselves as being rather distant from each other. According to the findings, almost half (48%) describe the gap between men and women in the next century as "No larger than the distance between New York City and Los Angeles." Another 18% see the distance more in terms of being a "galaxy far, far away." "No matter who ends up paying for things in the coming century, men and women still view each other as living in different worlds," says Lafavore. "Somebody is going to have to pay for that gap to close, and my bet is it will come out of the guy's wallet." The Men's Health survey on Relationships in the 21st Century was conducted by Opinion Research Corporation International. The survey is based on a nationwide telephone survey of 1,012 adults aged 18 and older during the period of January 28-31. The margin of error one might reasonably expect from a sample this size is +/- 3 percentage points. In addition to sampling error, question wording and the practical difficulties of conducting survey research can introduce bias into the results of survey questions. Men's Health magazine, with a circulation of 1,525,000, is the magazine most relevant to the lives of today's active man. It is a publication of Rodale Press. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Feb 11 18:02:52 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 18:02:52 -0500 Subject: Divorce Reform update from John Crouch - 2/11/99 Message-ID: <199902112259.RAA28821@mail.his.com> This Update from John Crouch of Americans for Divorce Reform: Bills have been introduced in the Montana, Virginia and New Mexico legislatures to allow no-fault divorce only when both spouses consent to it, at least when there are children. Covenant Marriage and Community Marriage Policies are also making progress. Legislators are trying to counteract "Marriage Penalties" in state tax law, as well as in the federal Tax Code. More information on all these proposals will soon be available on the Americans for Divorce Reform web site, http://www.divorcereform.org The Montana bill is especially interesting. For divorce based on an "irretrieveable breakdown", it requires either a separation by mutual consent, or fault. It requires that "The court shall consider the best interest of the child or children of the marriage as the primary consideration" in determining whether there is an irretrieveable breakdown. A Colorado house committee passed Covenant Marriage in a form that has been described as "watered down", with protections from divorce reportedly removed, and counseling requirements rewritten as suggestions. Covenant Marriage also passed in committee in Virginia, but was defeated 46-54 in the full House. Utah and Minnesota have had bills introduced to counteract "Marriage Penalties" in state income taxes. They can be found at http://www.revisor.leg.state.mn.us/cgi-bin/bldbill.pl?bill=H0267.0&session= ls81 and http://www.le.state.ut.us/~1999/htmdoc/hbillhtm/HB0173.htm Non-governmental Community Marriage Policies are spreading, and have been endorsed by a handful of governors and other poblic officials. Marriage Savers, the group that has been started recently to promote and maintain the policies, announced the 100th Community Marriage Policy earlier this week. Premarital counseling bills have been introduced in Utah and New Mexico. Utah's is at http://www.le.state.ut.us/~1999/htmdoc/hbillhtm/HB0058.htm ___________ John Crouch Americans for Divorce Reform: http://www.divorcereform.org Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 12 12:37:09 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 12:37:09 -0500 Subject: Tech Support Request "Uninstall Wife 1.0" - Message-ID: <199902121733.MAA05939@mail.his.com> I've received this from all over the world, but maybe some of you haven't seen it. It's definitely making the rounds. > Dear Diane, Thanks for keeping us posted on the current events of family and marriage. Here is a "funny" that I thought the group might enjoy. June Seat, Fukuoka, Japan > > Tech Support Request > > Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the > new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of > space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was > included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs > itself into all other programs and launches during system > initialization where it monitors all other system activity. > Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, > crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife > 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 > but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? > > - Jonathan Powell > > Dear Jonathan Powell- > This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to > a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to > Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & > ENTERTAINMENT" program. > > Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run > everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the > program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife > 1.0 can be disasterious. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or > floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy > valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 > because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to > install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than > the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings- > Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the > background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects > Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non- > recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download simular > products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have > become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and > just deal with the situation. > > Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the > entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must > assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. > The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset > button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as > you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is > very high maintenance. > > Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 > -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD > -Frequently use Communicator 5.0 > "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 12 12:37:12 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 12:37:12 -0500 Subject: 700 CLUB features Smart Marriages & Community Marriage Policies Message-ID: <199902121733.MAA05964@mail.his.com> The 700 Club this morning did a great piece on Smart Marriages and on Community Marriage Covenants. It opened with a piece on Mike & Harriet McManus launching the 100th Community Marriage Policy in Culpeper Virginia. It followed with footage from the July 1998 Smart Marriages conference and featured two couples, one from Culpeper of Newlyweds who had spent six months preparing for their marriage, and a couple in Baltimore who had taken a PAIRS weekend after their marriage went cold (-after nine years of marriage and three kids.) They said in the Pairs weekend they learned skills that helped them get the love and hope back and they were trying to get all their friends to take a course - the husband is a fireman and it showed him at the firehouse talking to his co-workers. Lori Gordon as founder of PAIRS was also featured and they also showed a variety of workshops at the conference - footage included Sherod and Phyllis Miller, Scott Stanley, and George Doub. They prominently featured the www.smartmarriages.com web site and they offered to send a free fact sheet on Divorce Proofing your marriage to callers that will also include resources and the web site. The show will be repeated tonight on the FOX FAMILY CHANNEL AT 11pm. Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 12 14:22:04 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 14:22:04 -0500 Subject: Should We Live Together now available on web site - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902121918.OAA16313@mail.his.com> The recently released cohabitation report with bibliography is now available on the CMFCE web site at www.smartmarriages.com Go to the Articles & Information page and you'll find it as the last entry on the first section. Or access the report directly at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/cohabit.html ************** SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead THE NATIONAL MARRIAGE PROJECT The Next Generation Series For more information or additional copies of this publication, contact: The National Marriage Project Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey 25 Bishop Place New Brunswick, NJ 08901-1181 (732) 932-2722 marriage at rci.rutgers.edu "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 12 22:22:15 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 22:22:15 -0500 Subject: Pat Love on JAMA Sex Survey results - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902130318.WAA16005@mail.his.com> Pat Love, author of Hot Monogamy, was featured on several shows this week (Today, MSNBC, etc) as a commentator on the Sex Survey released in Journal of the American Medical Association on the high incidence of sexual problems in the US. This some of what she's saying on the shows. ******* The results are important because they reflect the experience of a significant portion of our population. In a culture in which television, magazines, movies and other media portray individuals having lots of sex and always perfect, it's validating to know that isn't the case for more than an isolated few. Important points: Sexual difficulties can be a symptom of the onset of illness, therefore a consultation with a primary care physician may be warranted. (not all physicians are apprised of sexual issues, you may have to shop around) Any activity- such as stress, medication, smoking, hostility-which constricts the blood vessels, can lower libido and cause arousal and sexual desire difficulties. Many sexual difficulties are lifestyle related. Medications are famous for lowering libido. Selected antidepressants, antihistamines, some hormones, and conceivably any across the counter medication that says "may cause drowsiness" can affect your sex life. In addition, since Dr. Barbara Sherwin's l990 study showing the correlation between female libido and testosterone, we know that the extent to which women (and men) have testosterone, they will have libido, i.e. the physical urge to engage in sex. There are millions of low-T men and women. For this group it is normal to have little physical drive. However we know that there are two main pathways to sexual desire: psychogenic and autogenic. This means if you just don't naturally walk around with sexual energy, you can use your mind (the ultimate sex machine) to create sexual desire. Basically all you need is the desire to desire to be a great sex partner. I don't mean to oversimplify but this study brings out the fact that many of us have to be proactive to create the sex life we long for. I know this is a foreign concept. It is also complicated by the fact that early attraction and the infatuation stage give us this "natural high" induced by Nature's love potion (PEA-phenyethylamine, et al.), and during this time even the low-T person has heightened libido. This leads one to believe it will always be this way, but after a few months the PEA wears off and the person goes back to "normal," which for the low-T, is little or no libido. This causes a lot of confusion and conflict in relationships. The groups in the study which seemed to have the lowest libido were older men and younger single women. The older men make sense and can likely be explained by lifestyle, habits (smoking is the biggest culprit), medication and lowered hormone levels. The younger women could be reflecting testosterone levels (low-T is usually a phenomenon throughout the lifecycle). Even though there are millions of low-T men, there are more low-T women. In all of nature it is generally the female that is slow to respond sexually. I think the important fact to remember is 99% of all sexual difficulties can be alleviated and education, skills and knowledge are a major part of the solution. It's exciting that we have new information during this decade that makes sex education even more helpful and powerful. I believe we have gone about sex education backwards in this country, i.e. only focusing on children and teens. I believe when adults are educated, children will be educated. Most of us told our children most everything we knew about sex--and it was precious little! Now there have been enough new discoveries (e.g. all the info coming from the DNA analysis moving to crack the gene code) to warrant a movement toward better educating adults. This would be a creative solution to the debate about teaching sex in schools. Through adult sex ed we could increase the probability our kids would be safer and make more informed decisions. I say we need a PBS series on the subject. Am I volunteering? YOU BET! Pat will present a training institute and a workshop on the Hot Monogamy program at the Smart Marriages conference. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 13 01:43:57 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 01:43:57 -0500 Subject: Divorce Map of the US Message-ID: <199902130640.BAA07942@mail.his.com> The article at the URL below includes a large map showing, not _divorce rates_, but the _divorced people_ per capita in every COUNTY in the U.S., with red for 10%+, green for 8-9.9%, and yellow for under 8%. The results are very different from state divorce rates -- everything from S.C. to NY is low divorce, as are the north central states, La., Miss., Utah and West Texas. http://www.sciam.com/1999/0399issue/0399numbers.html - check it out it's fun to look at the pattern and try to figure out what in the world is going on....migration rates as the article hypothesizes? ....when you get divorced you move to California? Or Maine? Or Northern Minnesota? I don't know.....diane Here's the article that goes with the site: Divorce, American-Style Scientific American, March, 1999 SOURCE: Estimates based on 1990 Census data by county and 1997 Bureau of Census data for the U.S. Because the method of estimation is subject to substantial error, data for individual counties may not be accurately coded; however, the broad regional patterns are believed to convey an accurate pattern. The late social scientist Jessie Bernard of Pennsylvania State University once observed that "there are two marriages in every marital union, his and hers. And his is better than hers." The growing awareness of this particular perspective among women most likely contributed to the dramatic rise in divorce rates in the 1960s and 1970s, along with urbanization, the growing role of women in the workforce and more liberal divorce laws. But why is the U.S. the world leader in divorce? A possible explanation lies in the restlessness of Americans, who are far more apt to migrate than, say, Europeans. Those who move, particularly a long distance, may be more likely to divorce because the inhibitions of traditional family and community ties have been left behind. Divorce has colonial roots, too: Puritan courts granted divorces, and disgruntled husbands and wives often simply abandoned their spouses. The map shows the estimated proportion of Americans 18 and older who were divorced as of March 1997. The reasons for the marked regional disparities are not definitively known, but they probably reflect several factors, including church membership, which may reinforce marriage ties. Not surprisingly, therefore, Florida and most of the western states, where church membership is low, have a higher proportion of divorced people. Migration may contribute to the high proportion of divorced people in the West and Florida, which have a larger proportion of peripatetic individuals than other areas have. The broad swath of counties stretching from North Dakota and Wisconsin down to the Rio Grande is an area with few divorced people, which might be expected in view of high church membership and the relatively few migrants to this area. The low prevalence of divorce in Virginia, North Carolina and South Carolina may stem in part from fairly high church attendance. The huge triangular area with its apex in Michigan and its base from eastern Texas to southern Georgia shows a mixed pattern in the proportion of divorced people. This area has wide variations in migration. There is little doubt that divorce rates rose sharply in the 1960s and 1970s, but there have been some difficulties in interpreting divorce statistics since the early 1980s. Larry L. Bumpass of the University of Wisconsin, who has done the most extensive work on this point, concludes that the divorce rate has stabilized in the past two decades. As of March 1997, the U.S. had more than 19 million divorced people, or 9.9 percent of those 18 and over. The median age of divorced people is about 50, and 58 percent are women. Among whites, 9.8 percent are divorced, compared with 11.3 percent of blacks and 7.6 percent of Hispanics. Divorce rates in urban areas are higher than in rural areas. --Rodger Doyle (rdoyle2 at aol.com) "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 13 01:48:10 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 01:48:10 -0500 Subject: Census Bureau keeps track of love Message-ID: <199902130644.BAA11862@mail.his.com> Census Bureau keeps track of love -- and love lost By Lee Davidson, Washington correspondent The federal government isn't just a big, heartless, bureaucratic morass after all. It collects annual data about how well Cupid is doing his job for Valentine's Day. The Census Bureau provides statistics that may not exactly capture the fireworks and splendor of love, but they provide an idea each year of how many people are finding it -- and losing it. Take, for example, marriage - please (as comedian Henny Youngman might have urged). The Census Bureau notes that during 1996, 2.3 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces occurred in the nation. In line-dancing terms, that's two steps forward and one step back. The bureau notes that also translates into 6,400 marriages and 3,200 divorces on a typical day -- and county courthouses full of people going in opposite directions. It also says that Nevada -- so close yet so far from Utah -- was the nation's capital for both marriages and divorces. Nevada's marriage rate -- 88.1 per 1,000 population -- was miles ahead of second-place Hawaii's rate of 15.8. (Utah's rate was 11.1 per 1,000 population). And Nevada's divorce rate was 8.1 per 1,000 population -- about 21 percent higher than the three states (Wyoming, New Mexico and Oklahoma) that tied for second at 6.7 per 1,000. Meanwhile, Utah's divorce rate was 4.8 per 1,000 ? about 41 percent lower than Nevada's divorce rate. Hmmm. Why would divorce rates in Utah and Nevada be so different? The geology, water and air are similar. Might it have something to do with the differing number of Mormons, casinos, saloons, strip clubs and legalized prostitution in each? The government's numbers also show that Cupid requires more time before convincing people to marry nowadays. The estimated median age for Americans at first marriage in 1998 was 25.0 years for women and 26.7 years for men. That was the oldest mark for women in the 20th Century, and second-oldest for men (which dipped 0.4 years after reaching a 20th Century high in 1996). Fifty years ago in 1947, Cupid worked much more quickly. The average age at first marriage for men was 22.7 years old (a full four years younger than now), and 20.4 years for women (or 4.6 years younger than now). Meanwhile, growing numbers of Americans have never been married. In 1998, 35 percent of all Americans ages 25 to 34 had never been married (that's 13.7 million people). But for those aged 35 to 44, that drops to 15 percent who have never been married (or 6.8 million people). The government's data also suggest that younger women seem to have better odds of finding a mate than young men. That's because for ages 18 to 44, there are 114 unmarried men (either never married, widowed or divorced) for every 100 unmarried women. At older ages, however, the ratios reverse dramatically. For ages 45 to 64, there are 146 unmarried women for every 100 unmarried men. And for those 65 and older, there are 315 unmarried women for every 100 unmarried men. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 15 18:59:04 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 18:59:04 -0500 Subject: News Clips - APA -committment, Alabama, Neb, Penn, etc. 2/99 Message-ID: <199902152355.SAA18554@mail.his.com> Love Does Increase Over Time For Romantic Couples, Says Researcher But Commitment and Satisfaction Need To Be There Too, For It To Last WASHINGTON - Do intimate partners really love each other more with each passing year, as suggested by the Hallmark anniversary or Valentine's Day card? Do they see their love getting better over time? A new study on premarital relationship development in this month's Journal of Personality and Social Psychology published by the American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too. ''Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up,'' according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. ''Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other.'' Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period. By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged. ''These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love,'' said Dr. Sprecher, ''but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing.'' She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends. Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another. Article: ''I Love You More Today Than Yesterday': Romantic Partners' Perceptions of Changes in Love and Related Affect Over Time,'' Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., Illinois State University, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 76, No. 1. (Full Text available from the APA Public Affairs Office or at www.apa.org/journals/psp/psp76146.html) Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., can be reached at (309) 438-8357 or sprecher at ilstu.edu. ____________________ Many marriages prove to be a roller coaster, but they don't have to be. States with Highest Divorce Rates per 1,000 population: Nevada 9.0 Arkansas 7.1 Oklahoma 6.7 Tennessee 6.6 Wyhoming 6.5 Alabama 6.2 Idaho 6.2 Source: Alabama Family Alliance Alabama divorce rate 6th highest in the nation BIRMINGHAM, February 13 ? John Mangels has been married for eight years. He says he loves his wife deeply and after all this time, his marriage is still very strong. ?My wife?s my best friend,? he said Saturday while choosing some flowers for Valentine?s Day. ?I talk to her and we love each other.? But a new report released this weekend shows that John?s marriage could be the exception instead of the rule. The report, titled ?Breaking Up Is Hard On You: The High Co$t of Divorce,? by Dr. John Hill of the Alabama Family Alliance, and Dr. Nick Stinnett of the University of Alabama, shows that Alabama families have the sixth-highest divorce rates in the United States. The divorce rate of 6.2 per 1,000 couples is forty percent higher than it was in 1970, the year no-fault divorce was legalized in this state. ?The state is pretty much maxed-out on divorce and unless we do something, it looks like we?re going to continue to have a very high divorce rate,? said Dr. Hill. The report cites Incapacity as the top reason for divorce, followed by adultery, abandonment, imprisonment and crime against nature as the top five reasons for divorce in Alabama. Marie Haggard, who has been married for thirty years, says marriage is a very, very difficult institution to hold together. ?It?s a hectic life. It?s stressful. People move, you don?t stay in the same place and sometimes you change.? John Mangels says he doesn?t plan to become one of the statistics. He says the key to a successful marriage is communication. But too often couples don?t do it soon enough. Experts say people don?t get to know each other before taking the big plunge. ?You need to ask about our finances, where are we going to church, how many times are we going to visit your relatives every year, how many children are we going to have,? says Hill. He says small problems and disagreements like these can add up quickly and lead to divorce. Hill says pre-marital counseling can help identify problems before they creep into your life and they can actually make the marriage stronger. And finally, Hill says, remember that after the honeymoon, the work doesn?t end, it begins. ?It takes a lot of give and take, a lot of loyalty to the other person and a lot of love and caring.? ___________________________ For better or worse - by Tregg White LEXINGTON, Neb., Feb. 12?-In 1997 out of 1,000 marriages in Dawson County, 4.5 of them ended up in divorce court. A Lexington minister wants the town?s churches to adopt a community marriage policy. Pastor Duane Russell, of the Evangelical Free Church says marriage is sacred and that?s why he came up with a nine-point plan. That would prolong marriages, and let people see the impact of broken families, ?Marriage is the basic unit of society, the family and the home. If the marriage falls apart the home falls apart and a lot of results from that on this society. We would really like to build marriage and to have good homes in our nation.? In the community marriage policy churches would require at least six counseling sessions, time enough to find out the compatibility of each other. Pastor Russell adds, ?Finances in marriage in not getting in trouble by borrowing too much. Finances have a lot to do with divorce. Various other topics you would talk about is communication. Break down of communication is another major reason for divorce. Those types of major areas you sit down and discuss with the couple before marriage.? There are at least 15 churches in Lexington. Many of them have already or recently adopted Russell?s marriage policy within their church. Something necessary for the community marriage policy to work. Russell, ?We do the work on it and help build marriages has come quite easy for them.? ________________ Marriage a long-term commitment for some ''We're finding a positive response to marriage education,'' he said. ''We're going to see a whole lot more of that in the future.'' - Tom Strohl, President Marriage Works 02/14/99 By KATHLEEN PARRISH Of The Morning Call Theresa Smollinger will be the first person to tell you staying married to the same person for 78 years is no bed of roses. ''We had good times and hard times,'' said Smollinger, 100, who lives with her husband, Carl, 103, at Country Meadows II in Bethlehem Township. ''But we stayed together.'' Through the Great Depression, World War II, Vietnam, 14 presidents, four children, 11 grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren, the Smollingers have honored their vows, passing on a legacy of commitment emulated by their children. Two of the Smollingers' children celebrated their golden anniversary. Another, Carl Jr., passed away in 1994 after 49 years with his wife. ''They worked hard to keep the marriage alive and the family together,'' said daughter Margaret Holzer of Bethlehem, who has been married 52 years to her husband, Joseph. ''I always thought that was important.'' In an era where one out of every two married couples divorces, the Smollinger family has shown that the ties that bind them are made out of reinforced steel, not the frilly lace of a paper valentine. Tom Strohl, president of Marriage Works Learning Center in Allentown, said couples who stay together typically value the marriage over themselves. ''Research shows it's not how much you love each other that predicts the success of a marriage, but how you handle the problems that come along in life,'' he said. ''Happily married couples view problems as 'us against the problem.' They identify themselves as a team.'' Thomas and Mildred Anella said ''I do'' 72 years ago in St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Hazleton. ''We never argued,'' said Mildred Anella, 92, who credits God for their happy marriage. ''We had a few misunderstandings; he was a little lenient with the children. But we always talked to each other.'' The Anellas raised four children in their six-bedroom home in Hazleton, where they have lived during their entire marriage. They have 20 grandchildren, 32 greatgrandchildren and numerous greatgreat-grandchildren who fill their home with laughter and love, especially around the holidays when Mildred Anella bastes a 28-pound turkey. ''My parents were soul mates,'' said Mildred Truitt, the Anellas' youngest daughter, who lives in Hazleton near her parents. ''All my father had to do was say, 'Milly' and she was right there or she'd say, 'Tommy' and he was right there. Every Tuesday he'd go to the ice cream shop and bring her home a pint of ice cream. Then they'd sit together on the porch and eat it. There was never a mad word.'' The worst thing a couple can do is call each other names, Mildred Anella said. ''I think that's terrible,'' she said. ''Even if it's made up, it always sticks in your mind. Then there's hard feelings. You have to think before you talk.'' And sometimes you have to eat oysters. Gerry Clause, 92, of Bethlehem remembers the first date she had with her husband, Ray, 90. He invited her to a dinner of oysters. She didn't like oysters, but she liked him, so she accepted. ''If I would have said, 'No, I don't want to go for oysters,' he wouldn't have taken me,'' she said. ''You can eat anything if you have to.'' The couple has been married for 70 years. ''It doesn't seem possible it's been that long,'' Gerry Clause said. ''But it doesn't seem possible we've reached this age. We've had a happy married life and a good family. The time has gone fast.'' Ray Clause offered this advice when asked the secret of a successful marriage: ''It's better to agree than to disagree,'' he said. ''It might not always be truthful, but it keeps things on an even keel.'' Of the couples who stay together, only half are happy, Strohl said. ''Everyone says marriage is hard work, but no one tells you what the work is,'' he said. ''A young couple who's in love and marries within a year of meeting, can't really know what's facing them.'' That's why Marriage Works seminars have become so popular, Strohl said. Couples are really interested in improving their relationships, not only for the children, but for personal satisfaction. Strohl said over the past few years the divorce rate has slowly declined. ''We're finding a positive response to marriage education,'' he said. ''We're going to see a whole lot more of that in the future.'' The next Marriage Works seminar is Saturday at Asbury United Methodist Church in South Whitehall Township. The all-day workshop costs $99. One key ingredient to a successful marriage, Strohl said, is for men to ''accept influence'' from their wives. ''It doesn't mean giving in. It doesn't mean doing whatever your wife says,'' he said. ''It means that your wife knows you are genuinely listening, understanding and considering her point of view and what she may be requesting of you.'' Women need to share and express their feelings to experience intimacy, Strohl said. Men need shared activities, he said. So true, said Grace Musselman, who's been married to her husband, Henry, for the past 73 years. ''We never had separate ways,'' said Grace Musselman, 95, who lives with her husband, 96, at Bible Fellowship Home in Nazareth. ''We always stayed together. If he went somewhere, I went with him. If I went somewhere, he went with me.'' The Musselmans are world travelers who have visited Europe, Bermuda and every state in the United States except Nevada. Grace Musselman said they made a pact when they got married never to go to bed angry. Have they? ''Well, we're not perfect,'' she said, adding they still kiss several times a day. Lewis Schluicher was perfectly content to remain a bachelor. He had a good job as an estimator at a department store and on weekends he and his buddies would travel to Atlantic City or New York. Then one day he saw her seated in an office as he passed. Her long raven hair was piled on her head, exposing the curve of her neck. ''Up until that day, I wasn't even concerned about women,'' said Schluicher, 92. ''I took one look and that was it. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.'' Sixty-two years later, he said, she still is. On Saturday , Lewis and Elizabeth Schluicher of Allentown renewed their wedding vows at Muhlenberg Hospital Center in celebration of World Marriage Day today. ''We never had a real fight,'' he said. ''We had arguements, naturally, but we always agreed in the end.'' In the end, as these couples have demonstrated, love can last and even flourish providing it's tended with patience and understanding. Three years ago, Thomas Anella, 96, had a stroke and is confined to bed, but Mildred Anella is constantly at his side, stroking his head and reminding him of the life they shared. ''Sometimes he knows me, sometimes he doesn't,'' she said. ''If I hold his hand, that's the only ''I know he's never going to get better, but I'm thankful for every day we have together.'' "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 15 21:32:02 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 21:32:02 -0500 Subject: Marriage Mentors - 2/15/99 Message-ID: <199902160228.VAA19520@mail.his.com> Marriage Mentors By William Raspberry, The Washington Post http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPcap/1999-02/15/034r-021599-idx.html Monday, February 15, 1999 Are there still people who doubt that good marriages help to produce strong families, successful children and nurturing communities? Or who disbelieve the converse: that failed (or never-undertaken) marriages can lead to weak and economically stressed families, troubled children and shaky communities? And yet as George Gallup Jr. noted the other day, marriage continues in decline. "If divorce were a physical disease," he said, "we'd declare a national emergency." So what accounts for our laissez-faire attitude toward divorce? At least two things, I think. The first is that we haven't learned how to talk about the problems resulting from too-easy divorce without implying that we'd like to turn back the clock on advances in women's rights. The second is our belief that divorce, like marriage, is such an intensely private matter that the wider society can do nothing about it. That second notion, at least, is under challenge, thanks to a fledgling national program called Marriage Savers, which helps local churches organize to create a "community marriage policy" that includes intensive premarital training. The results sound almost too good to believe. According to Michael McManus, president and co-chair (with his wife Harriet) of the Potomac-based Marriage Savers, the divorce rate in Modesto, Calif., which adopted the first community marriage policy, fell by 35 percent between 1986 and 1997 -- while the national divorce rate was dropping by just 1.3 percent. In just two years of the program, the Kansas suburbs of Kansas City showed a decline from 1,530 divorces to 1,001 -- 35 percent fewer. Not all the numbers McManus cited at a press conference last week were that dramatic. Eau Claire, Wis., saw a drop from 366 divorces in 1996 to 341 in 1997 -- just 6.9 percent -- and Columbus, Ga., reported a mere 5.7 percent drop in that same period. The keystone of the Marriage Savers approach is the use of mentors -- generally older couples from the congregation with perhaps 30 years of marriage under their belts -- who spend as much as four months counseling engaged couples on every aspect of marriage. "Except for the Catholic Church, which was the first to require six months of marriage preparation, and a few scattered congregations, when it comes to marriage, the church has pretty much just been a blessing machine," McManus said. "Couples tell the minister they'd like to be married in his church -- maybe just because they'd like some nice pictures for the wedding album -- and the minister gives them what I call a marriage chat, and that's it." Still, that compares with the national decline in the divorce rate of 1.3 percent over the dozen years.2 Unless the minister is in one of the 100 places where the Community Marriage Policy pact has been adopted (Culpeper becomes the 100th today) -- almost all of them small or midsize towns. In that case what the couple gets is a carefully crafted questionnaire. The couple are sent to separate rooms and asked to answer questions dealing with everything from money decisions to the frequency with which the prospective spouse uses the "silent treatment." The scores are discussed in detail with specially trained mentoring couples. Often the exercise helps individuals to see their flaws more clearly -- the tendency to nag, or to put "issues" ahead of the relationship. And about a 10th of the time, the couple will decide they're not right for each other -- quite likely saving a future divorce. One recent innovation of Marriage Savers is to find mentors whose experiences match the peculiar needs of the engaged couple -- for instance second-marriage couples might be assigned to couples who are remarrying after a divorce; couples who have been involved with stepchildren might counsel engaged couples facing the same prospect. The result can be better and more practical advice than a cleric or other trained generalist could offer. The program does two things that I consider vital when it comes to helping marriages to work: It stresses the spiritual importance of commitment, and it offers time-tested how-tos. As Harriet McManus put it: "Before you tie the knot, let us show you the ropes." "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 15 22:09:07 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 22:09:07 -0500 Subject: Divorce: Long-Distance Childhood - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902160305.WAA11389@mail.his.com> MY TURN My Long-Distance Life Newsweek February 15, 1999 At the age of 5, I discovered what all children of divorce know: you're always missing somebody By Nick Sheff I was born in Berkeley, where I lived in a small house in the hills surrounded by firs and redwoods. My mom, my dad and me. As early as I can remember, there was arguing. When I was 4, my parents decided that they could no longer live together. That same year, my mom moved to Los Angeles, and a therapist was hired to decide where I would live. My dad called her my worry doctor. Playing with a dollhouse in her office, I showed her the mother's room on one side and the father's room on the other. When she asked me about the little boy's room, I told her he didn't know where he would sleep. Though I was very young, I accepted my parents' separation and divorce and somehow knew it wasn't my fault. Yet I was intensely afraid. Not only was my mom more than 500 miles away, but she had a new husband. My dad had a new girlfriend, and my custody was unresolved. Everyone said I'd spend time with both parents, but I wanted to know where I would live. The therapist finally decided I'd stay with my dad during the school year and visit my mom on long holidays and for the summers. I began flying between two cities and two different lives. I've probably earned enough miles for a round-trip ticket to Mars. Some people love to fly, but I dreaded the trips. For the first year, one of my parents would accompany me on the flights. At 6, I started traveling on my own. I would pack my toys and clothes in a Hello Kitty backpack and say goodbye to my parent at the gate. The flight attendant would lead me onto the plane. When I was 7, the woman sitting next to me on the plane tried to convert me to Christianity. A few years later I was on a flight with such bad turbulence that the luggage compartments opened and the man behind me threw up. When I was 12 and on my way to L.A. for Christmas, a lady refused to check her bag and shoved a flight attendant. We couldn't take off for two hours; the police came and dragged her off, to the cheering of other passengers. But flying was just part of what made long-distance joint custody so difficult. I remember the last day of school in sixth grade. All my friends made plans to go to the beach together?all my friends, but not me. I couldn't join them because I had to fly to L.A. It wasn't that I didn't want to see my mom and stepdad. I just didn't want to leave my friends. As the school year came to a close, I began to shut down. I hated saying goodbye for the summer. It was easier to put up a wall, to pretend I didn't care. My dad drove to school with my packed bags. My friends went off together and I headed to the airport. Arriving in L.A., I was excited to see my mom and stepdad. It had been almost three months since my last visit. But it took a while to adjust. Each set of parents had different rules, values and concerns. I am 16 now and I still travel back and forth, but it's mostly up to me to decide when. I've chosen to spend more time with my friends at the expense of visits with my mom. When I do go to L.A., it's like my stepdad put it: I have a cameo role in their lives. I say my lines and I'm off. It's painful. What's the toll of this arrangement? I'm always missing somebody. When I'm in northern California, I miss my mom and stepdad. But when I'm in L.A., I miss hanging out with my friends, my other set of parents and little brother and sister. After all those back-and-forth flights, I've learned not to get too emotionally attached. I have to protect myself. Many of my friends' parents are divorced. The ones whose mom and dad live near each other get to see both their parents more. These kids can go to school plays and dances on the weekends, and see their friends when they want. But others have custody arrangements like mine. One friend whose dad moved to New Hampshire sees him at Christmas and for one month during the summer. My girlfriend's dad lives in Alaska. They know what I know: it's not fair. No child should be subjected to the hardship of long-distance joint custody. To prevent it, maybe there should be an addition to the marriage vows: Do you promise to have and to hold, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live? And if you ever have children and wind up divorced, do you promise to stay within the same geographical area as your kids? Actually, since people often break those vows, maybe it should be a law: if you have children, you must stay near them. Or how about some common sense? If you move away from your children, you have to do the traveling to see them. In two years I'll go to college. I'll be living away from both homes, which will present new problems, such as where I will spend holidays. Whatever happens, I'll continue to build my relationships with both my parents, my siblings and my friends. Before I have children of my own, I'll use my experiences to help make good decisions about whom I choose to marry. However, if I do get a divorce, I will put my children's needs first. I will stay near them no matter what happens. Sheff is a junior at Marin Academy High School in San Rafael, Calif. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 10:21:16 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 10:21:16 -0500 Subject: Workshops are now posted on the web site - 2/15/99 Message-ID: <199902161517.KAA27670@mail.his.com> All workshop, seminar, institute and keynote descriptions for the July 1999 Smart Marriages/Happy Families conference are now available on the web at http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html Go to the conference details page and from there click on the links for workshop, seminar, keynote, and institute descriptions near the top of the page. The on-line registration forms will be posted next week. The brochures will be mailed the first of March. We suggest that you wait to receive the brochure before registering. It is much easier to have the complete program in front of you in printed form - and if you register by the middle of April you are guaranteed to get your first choices on sessions. Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 11:15:54 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 11:15:54 -0500 Subject: A VALENTINE'S DAY WARNING: DON'T COHABIT - McManus 2/13/99 Message-ID: <199902161612.LAA04096@mail.his.com> McManus: Ethics & Religion column Feb. 13, 1999 A VALENTINE'S DAY WARNING: DON'T COHABIT By Mike McManus This Valentine's Day, a chill wind from Rutgers University is blowing away a dangerous illusion of modern romance that living with someone is the way to decide whether to get married and to avoid a future divorce. Actually, neither is correct. ''Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage,'' says the landmark report, ''Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage.'' It cites a study that cohabitors who marry ''are estimated to have a hazard of dissolution that is about 46 percent higher'' than those who live apart before marriage. ''Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.'' Cohabiting women are twice as likely as married women to be physically abused and are three times as likely to be depressed. Why? Women agree to live together in hopes that it is a step toward marriage, while men do so for the easy access to sex. My Valentine's Day advice to such women is to move out. Remember your mother's advice, ''He's never going to buy the cow if he gets free milk.'' Paul put it succinctly in his letter to the Corinthians: ''Flee fornication.'' Americans are moving in the opposite direction. In 1960, only 430,000 couples lived together. That figure has soared ten-fold to 4,236,000 by 1998. Young people see no harm in that trend. Indeed, the report says nearly 60 percent of high school seniors think it is a good idea to live together before getting married. Yet as more cohabit, fewer get married. The marriage rate has plunged 41 percent in the same time. Thus, cohabitation is a double cancer of marriage. It has diverted tens of millions from getting married. The number of never-married Americans has doubled from 21 million in 1970 to 46 million by 1997. And by increasing the odds of divorce of those who do marry after living together, cohabitation is one reason divorces tripled from 390,000 in 1960 to 1,163,000 in 1997. The report by Dr. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead summarizes academic research for The National Marriage Project of Rutgers. It says that while marriages are held together by ''a strong ethic of commitment, cohabiting relationships by their very nature tend to undermine this ethic.'' They differ in their levels of commitment and autonomy. ''Once this low-commitment, high-autonomy pattern of relating becomes learned, it becomes hard to unlearn.'' It cites a Penn State study that ''the more months of exposure to cohabitation that young people experienced, the less enthusiastic they were toward marriage and childbearing.'' ''Particularly problematic is serial cohabitation....The experience of dissolving one cohabiting relationship generates a greater willingness to dissolve later relationships. People's tolerance for unhappiness is diminished and they will scrap a marriage that might be salvaged.'' Thus, cohabitation fosters selfishness, not the selflessness needed for marital stability. Indeed, the report notes that a sad byproduct of shacking up is that the number of unmarried couples with children has grown from 21 percent in 1987 to 36 percent a decade later: ''Half of all children will spend some time in a cohabiting family before age 16.'' A British study found that children living with cohabiting but unmarried biological parents are 20 times more likely to be victims of child abuse as those of married parents. And children of a mother living with a man who is not the father are 33 times more vulnerable to abuse. Therefore, the report recommends that couples ''Consider not living together at all before marriage. Do not make a habit of cohabiting.'' Finally, ''Do not cohabit if children are involved'' because its effects are devastating to children and long-lasting. I would add that churches should stop aiding this trend by their silence. Pastors should cite this sociological evidence that Scripture is right in calling for chastity, and preach on it from the pulpit, as a warning to the young and to help middle-aged parents know what to tell their adult children who are cohabiting. Second, churches should offer young adults an alternative way to test their relationship by taking a premarital inventory. They can predict with 80 percent accuracy which couples will divorce, and a tenth who take them decide not to marry that person. Studies show they are avoiding a bad marriage before it has begun. St. Paul wrote to the Thessalonians, ''Test everything. Hold onto the good. Avoid every kind of evil.'' Cohabitation is an embracing of evil. Premarital testing avoids it, while holding on to the good. END TXT. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 22:16:34 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 22:16:34 -0500 Subject: Between the Generations - Creating FamilyTime - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902170312.WAA08345@mail.his.com> This first piece shows yet another way divorce is harmful - it so often cuts kids off not just from one parent, but from a whole side of a family and from family stories & histories. Maybe that's another factor contributing to the fact that kid's of divorce lives are shortened by four years. The piece to follow by Wayne Sotile (who will present at the July Smart Marriages conference), offers guidelines for keeping the intergenerational ties tied. _____________ Sharing Memorable moments can calm the soul, heal the body By Karen Peterson USA Today 2/15/99 Listening to family stories and reminiscing about the past may be healing both physically and emotionally, a pilot study shows. "Remember when" stories that bring back meaningful moments may actually lower heart rate and increase a sense of overall physical well-being, says a team of researchers at St. Olaf College in Northfield, Minn. The team played three recordings for a small group of subjects, 36 people ages 18 to 22. Overall, their heart rates decreased when they listened to a "meaningful" heartwarming story about a grandmother fondly recalling relatives. Their rates didn't change while the study participants listened to a reading from a local building code, or when they heard a "nonmeaningful" story about a series of unrelated events, says study co-author Howard Thorsheim. The research is an outgrowth of a four-year federally funded study of 10,000 people, in part exploring the health effects of listening to and telling positive stories. "People feel good telling their life stories, their meaningful life experiences, talking about their relationships," Thorsheim says. He and colleague Bruce Roberts will publish their results in a book due out this spring, Reminiscing, Talking About Enjoyable Life Experiences: A Reason to Get Up In The Morning. Remembered stories rekindle thoughts of love and connection with others as well as help distance today's concerns and worries the researchers say. ___________________ This is from a recent edition of "Round the Table," published in 50 countries by the organization, the Million Dollar Roundtable. Between The Generations by Wayne M. Sotile, Ph.D. "They might not be here tomorrow; go visit them today." With this phrase, my parents gave me a gift that has lasted a lifetime: They insisted that I honor and spend time with my grandparents. I grew up hearing this instruction, and watching my mother and father practice what they preached. Our life was a multi-generational circus of FamilyTime. Three, often four, generations ate together regularly and worked side-by-side at household chores and in family businesses. My wife, Mary, and I sometimes lament that we have fallen short in our own efforts to continue this way of life. Maybe, like so many families today, we are stumbling over predictable hurdles that come when different generations try to connect along the family journey. What keeps us apart? Whether we are actively parenting our offspring (no matter what their ages) or dealing with our aging parents, FamilyTime is challenged by the fact that each generation marches to a different drummer; each stage of life compels us to pursue different quests. This fact is obvious when parents feel compelled to work, while their young children simply want to play with them. Or, when adolescents live to be with their peers, while parents their yearn for pockets of FamilyTime. But, what about the challenges faced by grown children and their aging parents? Here, too, differing psychological needs and styles of communicating can strain relationships. From early-to mid-adulthood, we are compelled to declare our individuality and create our own identities and family rituals. Often, doing so excludes our first family members. "Having holidays in my own home became a right of passage into adulthood for me," explained Ellen. "But this was not a smooth passage. My father was hurt and angry. He didn't understand that I wasn't rejecting him or my heritage. I was simply trying to live some version of our family values, but in my own way." Like most people over 65, Ellen's father was driven by the need to connect with his family, not individuate from them. As parents move from middle age to older age, two mistaken notions tend to steer aging families off the course of caring connection. Myth #1: Elderly parents should enjoy moving to a retirement home where they can meet people their own age. That's bound to be better for them than living alone and isolated. It certainly is true that many older people do enjoy, and benefit from, living in a supportive community that makes connecting with others an easy part of day-to-day life. However, we should never forget that, as we age, we prefer to associate with loved ones, not with new acquaintances. The wisdom of age teaches us to be ever more selective about how and where we invest our time and energies. Interacting with family is most meaningful to elders, and, therefore, is their preferred investment. Myth #2: Older parents complain and rehash the pain they've been through just to make the younger generation feel guilty. A normal part of later life is the need to reminisce, including the need to talk about the painful stages of our journey. Gerontologists remind us that this painful self-disclosure is a way of sharing acts of "elderly heroism." By telling a compassionate listener what they have been through and what they are now experiencing, older people are able to achieve a sense of integrity and establish an intimate connection with the listener. It is important that others know not only how they are doing now, but also who they have been. For many, like Janet, bearing these facts in mind can help smooth relationships between the generations. Janet said, "When I learned that talking about the painful parts of the journey is a normal part of aging, I saw my mother in a different light. For years, I thought that she was just trying to make me feel guilty. Every time I called or visited her, all she did was talk about her pains and how much she missed my dad. I started avoiding her. "Then, an interesting thing happened. I dropped by one day when two older neighbors were visiting her. As I listened, I realized that their conversation was filled with stuff that was painful for me to hear. 'When my husband died...' one said. Then another: 'Well, when I had my bout with cancer...' Then another: 'I just can't get around like I used to.' Then they would laugh, and nod, and go on telling each other these painful vignettes from their lives. "As I listened and watched, I realized that they were not complaining; they were explaining who they had been, what had happened to them, and how they had endured." Our elders value relationships that allow them to tell their stories. Unfortunately, family members in their middle years tend to be so busy with their own lives, that they do not have time to listen. We hurriedly check-in with a brief visit or telephone call, then rush back to our own lives. But the elders are not the only ones who go misunderstood. Many, like Susan, feel blamed, shamed or otherwise misunderstood by their parents. Susan said, "I sometimes don't call or visit my mom, even though I'm missing her. Why? Because I don't like being criticized. Her little comments get to me. She greets me with a jab: 'I thought you had forgotten where I live!' She makes me feel ashamed about the fact that I am divorced; that I work as hard as I do; that my children's lives are sometimes too hectic; and that my family life is so different from the way it was when I was a child. "But that's the point. I wish that my mother would accept the fact that my life is different than the way hers was. I'm doing the best I can." New opportunities The fastest growing segment of the world-wide population is over age 85. It is estimated that by the year 2010, the typical family will consist of four generations living near each other and providing hands-on care for each other. These facts create many opportunities for caring connections across generations. We can share a long, loving family journey, but, to do so, we must be respectful of each generation's needs. FamilyTime advice to the younger generation * Ask your elders to teach you about your family's history. Tape record conversations with them as you browse through family photo albums and ask questions about the different stages of their life, about their experiences, and about the people who were important to them. * Remember that grandparents and children are natural allies. Orchestrate activities that include them in each others' lives. Invite grandparents to your kids' ball games, dance recitals or backyard picnics. If you live apart, keep grandparents updated on your children's activities, their likes and dislikes, and their achievements and challenges. Make it a FamilyTime ritual to have your children visit their grandparents regularly and to speak with them at least once each week, even if only by telephone. * Remember that connecting regularly, even briefly, goes a long way in maintaining a relationship. Strive to orchestrate many moments of FamilyTime, rather than holding out for extended visits. * Give your aging parents the benefit of the doubt: don't be afraid to express your needs to them. In gentle, respectful language, let your parents and grandparents know how they might make visiting with them or speaking with them a more rewarding experience for you. You might be surprised by their flexibility. FamilyTime advice to the older generation * Remember that no matter how grown they are, your children still need your blessing and your understanding. Express admiration for what they do and avoid criticizing them for what they don't do. Notice whether your words convey that your relationship is a safe space of welcome or a reminder of guilt and disappointment. Say, "It's so good to hear from you." Avoid saying, "Well! It's about time you called." * Show respect for the fact that your children need to establish their own lives. Assure them that in the course of this journey, there will be time enough for all of you to frequently be together. * Accept that times are different, and show interest. Like it or not, your offspring live in a world that is different than the time when family life revolved around the needs of the elders. Today, FamilyTime often means joining your children and grandchildren in their worlds. Be flexible. Show interest in them and what they do. Ask their opinions about current events, and listen, don't preach. By joining them on their turf, you might learn something new! * Invite them over. Today's busy families seldom make time to spend an entire day doing any one thing. Plus, they tend to be reactive, not proactive. This means that if we wait for the "let's spend all day Sunday together" version of FamilyTime, we will miss many opportunities to connect. Don't be shy about inviting your children and grandchildren -- in total or in part - - to brief, informal get-togethers. Make them offers they can't refuse: "Come over just for a quick meal and hello. I know you are busy, but I'd love to see you, even if we just visit for a minute." * Volunteer to help them. Grandparents can bless their busy family in many ways that also create memorable FamilyTime. Volunteer to child- or house-sit. Help them run errands. Share experiences like planting a garden with a child or grandchild. Advice to all * Never forget the power and importance of rituals that bring multiple generations of your family together. Clinical psychologist Wayne M. Sotile, Ph.D., speaks internationally on stress management and family life. He and his wife, Mary, have authored four books, including "Supercouple Syndrome: How Overworked Couples Can Beat Stress Together." "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 22:17:06 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 22:17:06 -0500 Subject: A whole bunch of responses to earlier posts - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902170313.WAA08694@mail.his.com> David Popenoe's 1996 book, "LIFE WITHOUT FATHER: Compelling New Evidence that Fatherhood and Marriage are Indispensable for the Good of Children and Society," was just reissued in a paperback (Harvard University Press.) It's available for $15.95 at 79 Garden Street, Cambridge, MA 02138 (1-800-448-2242). Popenoe will present a workshop and keynote at the July Smart Marriages conference. _________________________ >Dear Marjorie, > >Diane Sollee forwarded me your inquiry about finding copies of our >Life-Design Workbook. > >While Barnes & Noble will special order them from us upon request by a customer, >we sell them directly through our Websites with a secure online ordering form. >www.vaughan-vaughan.com > >This is the material we will be using in our Pre-Conference Institute (each >participant will receive a copy of the Workbook) - but we are pleased that >you are interested in seeing it in advance. >Peggy Vaughan >peggy at vaughan-vaughan.com >http://www.vaughan-vaughan.com NOTE: There is a list of presenter's books on the www.smartmarriages.com home page. Just click on the BOOKS button. It's a good idea to read the books BEFORE the conference. You get more out of the workshops with this headstart. _______________ >Diane, > >The "Tech Support Request Uninstall Wife 1.0" ditty is humorous, >but it actually captures >nicely a ciritical point that too many of us miss. Marriage is not an >"upgrade" of a relationship; it is an "operating system" change. Marriage >is an institution, not just a greater commitment to a particular romantic >relationship. Focusing only on its relational nature but ignoring the >institutional nature causes problems. Indeed, while we have learned much >over the last 20 years about improving the relational aspects of marriage, >we have generally dismissed the institutional features. I think both will >be needed to strengthen marriage in the 21st century. Off my soapbox now From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 22:18:15 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 22:18:15 -0500 Subject: Emily Visher on Today show Feb 17 Message-ID: <199902170314.WAA09458@mail.his.com> Emily Visher will be on the Today Show Wed, Feb. 17, probably in the second hour which starts at 8:00, on the subject of stepparents and stepgrandparents. There has been a resurgence of media interest in stepfamilies since the movie Stepmom was released. Emily and John Visher, co-founders of the Stepfamily Assoc of America, will present a pre-conf training institute & two workshops at the Smart Marriages conference on their RE-Marriage Education Program "Stepping Together" - it has received rave reviews and is the only program I have been able to identify for use in churches, military bases, in the community that comes complete with leader and couples manuals and is user-friendly and ready-to-teach. Many who have taken the institute training at the last two conference are teaching this MUCH NEEDED course across the country and around the world. It comes HIGHLY recommended by those who have taken it. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Feb 18 08:27:37 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 08:27:37 -0500 Subject: Brochures/Depression and Divorce/Supercouples - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902181323.IAA12387@mail.his.com> The Smart Marriage conference brochures are at the printer and will be in the mail the first week of March. In spite of mailing out tens of thousands to various lists, it's clear that the best results are brochures handed out in-person by someone like you telling others this is a conference they should attend. And WHY. Let me know if you can distribute brochures to friends, colleagues, in workshops, at conferences, at the office, church, school, etc. Tell me how many to send, and the shipping address. _________________ Here is part of an article. I don't have permission to reproduce this one, so to read the whole piece see USA Today. "Children of Divorce Inclined to Depression By Matthew Kalman, Feb 17, 1999, USA Today "Children of divorced parents are seven times more likely to suffer from depression in adult life than people of similar age and background whose parents have not divorced, says a psychiatric study on factors leading to depression. The Israeli study, to be published in a forthcoming issue of Molecular Psychiatry, indicates that the loss of a parent through divorce is more likely to cause depression than through death. And separation from a mother or from both parents, whether through divorce or desertion, was more likely to cause depression than separation only from a father." "While the death of a parent did cause depression in later life among some patients, it was not a significant number. Rather, the much stronger finding was the link to depression for patients separated from a parent through divorce or a parent deserting the family. "The earlier the separation occurred the more likely it was to have had an influence." *** The article goes on to say that the study focused on children whose parents divorced before the child was 9. Subjects: 231 patients from a psychiatric hospital in Israel with 170 controls from the local community. - DS ________________ And here is another article on Wayne and Mary Sotile. You'll have two chances to see them at Smart Marriages, they're doing a workshop and a seminar. Springfield, Ohio: News-Sun, Monday, Feb. 15, 1999 'Supercouples' Aren't by Gene Fox New-Sun Staff Writer The strategies that couples use to ensure success at work are wrecking their personal relationships. The solution is to morph into a Dynamic Duo, according to Wayne and Mary Sotile, the authors of "Supercouple Syndrome: How Overworked Couples Can Beat Stress Together" (John Wiley & Sons, 1998). The syndrome is "a consequence of the '90s pursuit of the Big Life, with couples juggling marriage, family and career by being all things to all people all the time," he said in a joint phone interview with is wife and co-author, Mary, from their North Carolina home. "It relates to the fast pace we all live ...the pace generates some manner of coping (which) serves us well in work, but hurts us in relationships," Mary Sotile said. The key is to leave high-powered coping skills at work because a competitive lifestyle can alienate loved ones, he said. They include relentless hard work, a tendency to control others and perfectionism. However, non-working spouses are not necessarily immune from the syndrome's effects. For example, ia non-working wife who is running the household while juggling extracurricular activities and maintaining her health can develop those same coping skills, he said. "The crux of it is our hectic lifestyle, " Sotile said. "We're pursuing that mythical balance in life." The idea of developing balance is a process, not an end-point, Mary Sotile said. She compared it to learning how to cross a stream among rocks. It involves learning to be adaptable, flexible and open to growth work, she said. Mary Sotile believes people are becoming more aware of the potential damage in their lives. "I feel hopeful," she said. To overcome effects of the syndrome, the Sotiles' solution is to adopt strategies from their BEST (Beat Stress Together) program. It takes as little as 20 minutes a day, involving little spurts of affection. "Keeping marriage alive and thriving for a lifetime is admittedly complex, but a little bit of change makes big differences, " Mary Sotile said. Make a commitment once every two weeks to have a three-hour date with no pagers or cell phone, so your mate can "look and listen to you," she said. "It can make a significant difference in your relationship." "Busy people do little things in spurts," Wayne Sotile said. "It's important to also clear the deck once in a while." He likes to pose this question at his workshops: "Do you know anyone who has ever quit their big life, resigned their job, sold all their stuff, moved to the mountains and now live a more contemplative life?" No one has yet raised their hands, he said. There are unmistakable benefits in a happy relationship, Sotile said. Couples in a harmonious relationship do not become ill as frequently, recover faster and adjust to work setbacks with less distress, he said. Joni Sullivan, president of the Clark County Medical Society Alliance selected Sotile for the local function after she heard the co-authors speak at a Chicago convention and on "Good Morning America." Sotile will address the unique challenges faced by physicians and their loved ones. He and Mary have counseled over 700 physicians and their loved ones and have addressed thousands more in workshops. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 19 18:07:25 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 18:07:25 -0500 Subject: set VCRs - Gordon, Gottman/Minn Covenant/Retrouvaille - Message-ID: <199902192303.SAA21408@mail.his.com> 700 Club is doing yet another show based on the Smart Marriages conference and marriage education. Set your VCR's for Feb 23rd. They are using more fottage shot at the 1998 conference - Lori Gordon, John and Julie Gottman, and couples footage. Maybe others but they just called and mentioned those interviews. Their piece on marriage education Valentine's Week generated TONS of calls and visits to the Directory. If you aren't listed, please get listed. People are so disappointed when there is no class in their area - like in San Diego and Atlanta! Is there anyone in San Diego. Please list your class. I send them to the headquarters offices, but they want courses listed in their town. ________________ A producer at 20/20 is seeking formal Research Data about the impact of affairs on children. This is just at the data-gathering, pitch an idea stage. If you have leads let me know and I'll connect you. ________________ Sen. Steve Dille of Minnesota has introduced a Marriage Covenant bill. It has been referred to the Judiciary Committee. Has to clear committee, be voted up, etc. So it may only be a gleam in this senator's eye... but if you'd like to read the full bill go to: http://www.revisor.leg.state.mn.us/cgi-bin/bldbill.pl?bill=S0883.0&ses sion=ls81 If you can't, for some reason, here's the address of the Senate: http://www.senate.leg.state.mn.us/ Click on "bill introductions"; it was introduced on Feb. 18; it's at the very bottom of the page - about the third bill from the bottom. You'll note that it isn't a marriage EDUCATION bill. Nothing about skills building. The Inland Register Eric Meisfjord, Editor PO Box 48, Spokane WA 99210 (509) 358-7340, FAX: (509) 358-7302 Published every three weeks, circulation 10,100. Retrouvaille program offers ?lifeline? for troubled marriages by Bonita Lawhead, Inland Register Feb 10 1999 With America?s national divorce rate at nearly 50 percent, it seems clear that the institution of marriage needs help. A program with a French name in use for nearly 20 years is making a small dent in those statistics. The program is Retrouvaille, a Catholic-originated program started in Canada about 1979 to help bring healing to troubled, hurting marriages. Couples who sign up for a Retrouvaille weekend often do so because nothing else has helped them. The couple?s marriage may be on the rocks and they figure they might as well give the program a chance. ?We didn?t have anything to lose,? many of them will say. For the couples who go through Retrouvaille (which is a French word that means ?rediscovery?), the program helps them ?rediscover? that their marriage and their love for each other is worth saving and gives them new communications tools to help break patterns of angry behavior. Listen to Pat and Cheryl, married nearly six years: Pat: ?We were able to re-achieve emotional intimacy. It (Retrouvaille) doesn?t deal with problems; it deals with feelings the problems have caused. It increased communication (between us) and has made a big difference. It was the most powerful weekend I?ve ever experienced.? Cheryl: ?It?s given us, and me, a second chance. I have no doubt (our marriage) would have failed. We seemed to have lost or overlooked how our actions make our spouses feel. It had such a positive effect; it?s a wonderful program.? Keith and Jan, married 19 years, entered Retrouvaille as a last resort: Keith: ?I found the weekend to be extremely emotional and moving. It was definitely a learning and a bonding experience. It opened up channels of communication between us and gave us tools to meet the challenge of communicating. It?s a very valuable program for the community.? Jan: ?I?ve never seen so many people impacted in such a short period of time (during Retrouvaille). It gave us a way of talking to each other where it?s safe. We knew we had areas that needed to be addressed, and we can have conversations (about them) and not get in heated arguments. ? Both couples strongly recommend the program to anyone in a hurting marriage. Retrouvaille is modeled after the Marriage Encounter program, but there are some ?signficant differences,? said Sister Carol Ann Warnke who directs Retrouvaille at St. Joseph Family Center in Spokane. One of those differences is that Retrouvaille has a 12-lesson follow-up done in a period of six weeks following the weekend. About 70 percent of the couples who complete all seven weeks say they are ?very satisfied? with the results, and the divorce statistics bear this out: for Retrouvaille couples, the divorce rate is one in 1,105. Couples who have finished the seven weeks are invited to join the Retrouvaille support group called Cor. A few go further and are trained as presenters. Retrouvaille is open to all married couples of any age or religious denomination, and each weekend accommodates 13 couples. Some couples are separated and some are already divorced. Not all couples can qualify for the program; many have personal issues that must be handled first. For some couples, cost can be a hindrance, but Sister Carol Ann said sponsorships are sometimes available. A couple?s spirituality and life centered on God is the major focus of the program. One of the key components is that the weekend?s workshops are given by trained Retrouvaille couples, assisted by Sister Carol Ann as coordinator and Father Eugene Glatt of Rosalia as spiritual moderator. Many couples appreciate the Retrouvaille couple presenters, who share stories of their own marriage. Testimony from those who have worked through a hurting marriage with Retrouvaille gives credence to what they present and hope to those listening. Retrouvaille is international in scope, and there is an 800 telephone number that can be called?1-800-470-2230. This telephone line connects couples with the closest Retrouvaille in their area code. The Spokane program serves couples in Washington, Idaho, Montana and Canada. St. Joseph Family Center?s telephone number (in Spokane) is 509-483-6495. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 20 14:21:16 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1999 14:21:16 -0500 Subject: Should We Live Together now WITH FOOTNOTES - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902201917.OAA18045@mail.his.com> Update: The report was originally posted without footnotes. Sorry about that. They didn't come through on the URL translation. They have now been added. __________ The recently released cohabitation report with bibliography is now available on the CMFCE web site at www.smartmarriages.com Go to the Articles & Information page and you'll find it as the last entry on the first section. Or access the report directly at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/cohabit.html ************** SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead THE NATIONAL MARRIAGE PROJECT The Next Generation Series For more information or additional copies of this publication, contact: The National Marriage Project Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey 25 Bishop Place New Brunswick, NJ 08901-1181 (732) 932-2722 marriage at rci.rutgers.edu Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Feb 21 16:11:46 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 16:11:46 -0500 Subject: Feb, March, April, May Courses Message-ID: <199902212107.QAA25948@mail.his.com> Marriage, Family, and Couples Education is based on the premise that we all have the ability to learn the skills that will help us create and maintain successful relationships, smart marriages, and happy families. These are some of the courses posted on the CMFCE DIRECTORY on the web site. If you search by location and don't find a program in your area, don't despair -- contact the Headquarters Offices listed in the first section. They will provide information on their programs in your area. To list your program in the Directory see the instructions a click away near the top of the Directory. Find dozens of additional courses listed in the Directory at http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html COUPLE COMMUNICATION Instructor Training Equips you to teach the award-winning COUPLE COMMUNICATION I Program (see above) plus the new, advanced COUPLE COMMUNICATION II. CC II covers relationship dances, managing my anger & responding to yours, relationship phases and alignment. Includes demonstrations, practice using skills mats, assessments, and applications with emphasis on how to coach and give feedback effectively. Content integrated with theory and research. CE available. Workshop led by Sherod Miller, PhD, program co-developer. Cities/Dates: Chicago, Illinois Mar 16-17; Charlotte, North Carolina, Mar 19-20; New Rochelle, New York, April 15-16; San Antonio, Texas, May 19-20. For information on fees, materials and certification: Toll-free 800-328-5099 Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc 7201 S. Broadway Littleton, CO 80122 Email:icp at comskills.com Web: www.galaxymall.com/info/couplecommunication FAMILY WELLNESS ASSOCIATES George Doub, MFCC, MDiv and Flo Creighton, MPH, LCSW SURVIVAL SKILLS FOR HEALTHY FAMILIES is a unique 12 hour parenting education program that involves the whole family and teaches practical, lifelong skills that strengthen and empower families. Laity, Ministers, Educators, and Mental Health Workers can train to present this program that has reached over 150,000 families nationwide since 1981. See web site for training schedules and materials including interactive workbooks (English, Spanish and Chinese), audio & video tapes. **Instructor Training: Hollister, CA, Feb 11-13 & 25,26; Las Vegas, Nevada, March 25-27 & 29,30; Fresno, CA, April 15-17 & 22, 23; Seattle, Washington, May 6-8 & 27,28; Sacramento, CA, May 13-15 & 21,22. Box 66533 Scotts Valley, California 95067-6533 831-440-0279 Email: families at familywellness.com Web:www.familywellness.com TRAIN WITH PAT LOVE, EdD: Courses for trainers, educators, couples and individuals. Hot Monogamy:(5 days) Learn to teach the course and expand your practice - use the name, no franchise fees. Couples and individuals also invited to attend to deepen their knowledge of passion and intimacy. **Training schedule in Austin unless otherwise noted: Imago Basic Training and Advanced Courses-Pat, an Imago Master Trainer, offers a wide curriculum for understanding and improving love relationships. Basic Clinical Training (12 days): March 4-7; 6705 Hwy 290 West, # 502-291 Austin, Texas 78735 512-891-0610 Email: pat at patlove.com www.patlove.com MAKING MARRIAGE WORK (MMW) A marital training program for Jewish and Interfaith couples, founded in 1978 at the University of Judaism, LA, and now offered there and by Jewish Family Service (JFS) agencies in Denver, Washingtion, DC area, Ft. Lauderdale, Houston, Kansas City, Miami, Philadelphia, San Francisco, & San Jose, CA. Programs include the basic MMW 10-week pre-marital program or 8-week Marriage: Challenge of Growth for those married up to 15 years, and in LA, Success In Your Second Marriage for those remarrying with children. **Los Angeles schedule: Basic 10-wk premarital classes start Apr 11, 19,21,27; Interfaith April 28; Marriage Growth April 20,21; Second Marriage Apr 14. For other locations contact JFS in cities listed or contact: Elana Rimmon Zimmerman, Director; Sylvia Weishaus, PhD, Clinical Director University of Judaism, 15600 Mulholland Dr. Los Angeles, California 90077 310-440-1233 Email: mmw at uj.edu MARRIAGE ALIVE INTERNATIONAL, INC (MAI) Founders Claudia & David Arp, MSSW, offer skill-based, practical resources: books, videos, curricula and seminars for all stages of marriage - engaged through empty nest - nationally and in Europe & as featued on TV & radio. Typical seminar is 6 hrs: Fri night-Sat morning or Sat 9-3. Typical fee (set by sponsor) is $35-50 per couple including materials.Call MAI toll free or click on website below for details plus dating tips & free weekly email Marriage Builder newsletter. **Seminar schedule : Marriage Alive: April 23-25 Redlands, California; April 29 - May 2 Virginia Beach, VA. Second Half of Marriage: March 4 Washington, DC; March 27-28 Gatlinburg, Tennessee. 10 Great Dates: March 6 Washington, DC; April 16 Pine Cove, California; April 23 San Bernardino, California. Love Life for Parents - How to have Kids and Sex Life Too: Box 31408 Knoxville, TN 37930-1408 Toll Free: 888-690-6667 (Info, orders & media interviews) Email: TheArps at marriagealive.com Website: http://www.marriagealive.com (Newest resources and current speaking schedule) NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT (NIRE) Director: Bernard Guerney, Jr, PhD Staff: Louise Guerney, PhD, Robert Scuka, PhD, MSW, William Nordling, PhD, Carrie Hansen, MSW NIRE is a not-for-profit branch of IDEALS, which has been training the public, businesses, and professionals in the Relationship (RE) Enhancement Program for over 25 years. NIRE can provide the program in many formats to many types of groups. In the Washington-Metro area (Bethesda, MD), it offers a weekend-long training to couples at least once a month. NIRE also offers family & premarital sessions. Comprehensive training, supervision, and certification in RE program leadership is available for professionals. **Relationship Enhancement Training in Bethesda, Maryland/1998 schedule: Couples Weekend: $350 per couple: March 6-7; April 17-18; May 22-23. 4400 East-West Hwy Bethesda Maryland 20904-4501 301-986-1479 Toll free - 800-432-6454 Email: niremd at nire.org www.nire.org PREP at NYU Child Study Center. (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), Peter Fraenkel, PhD, Director. COUPLES: We brought PREP to the East Coast! Two-Week (15 Hour) Intensive Courses, One-Day Skills Workshops. Learn to communicate, solve problems, identify hidden issues, while maximizing fun, friendship, and sensuality! Featured in SELF, New York Magazine, Elle, Working Woman, London Sunday Times, Good Day New York, Joan Hamburg Show, SWING, REDBOOK. **Two-Week Intensive (full 15 hr) PREP Workshops Sun 10am-6pm, and two following Thursdays, 6-9pm:$375 couple: April 18, 22, 29; May 23, 27, & June 3. One-Day Skills Workshops: 10am-6pm, $160 per couple: March 21, April 25, May 16. NYU Medical Center 550 First Avenue New York, NY 10016 (212) 263 8664 (convenient to New Jersey and Connecticut - the tri-state area.) 212-263-8664 Email: pfraenkel at aol.com PREP:THE PREVENTION & RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT PROGRAM Howard Markman, PhD, Scott Stanley, PhD, Directors Based on over twenty years of empirical research, PREP is a comprehensive premarital/marital program which teaches couples essential skills for maintaining a lasting love: how to communicate effectively, work as a team to solve problems, manage conflicts without damaging closeness, and preserve and enhance love, commitment and friendship. PREP has extensive experience in training mental health professionals and clergy in both civilian and military settings to conduct PREP Workshops and/or utilize the concepts in their practice. To order PREP's free-standing materials --Fighting for Your Marriage books and tapes -- contact us or your bookstore.Instructor trainings & couples workshops in Denver, Colorado unless otherwise noted: **PREP Instructor Training: March 16-18 (Camp Pendleton, California). Christian PREP Instructor Training: March 9-11 (Damneck, Virginia); April 8-10; April 22-24 (Portland, Oregon). Couples Workshops - per couple: March 20; May 22. Becoming Parents Program Instructor Training: March 15-17 (Annapolis, Maryland). 303-759-9931 800-366-0166 Email: PREPINC at AOL.com WEB: http://members.aol.com/prepinc RELATIONSHIP (RE) ENHANCEMENT PROGRAM Bernard Guerney, Director Award-winning research proves RE to be exceptionally effective. Couples learn 9 sets of skills designed to: increase mutual understanding and emotional responsiveness; resolve conflicts and problems; establish new, more satisfying patterns of personal and interactive behaviors, and to also enhance relationships with children and co-workers. There is no pressure to participate in group discussions, and skill-coaching is always private. Weekend group or one-couple instruction can be scheduled, and a phone-coached, home-study program is available, as is leadership training for lay persons or professionals. **Relationship Enhancement Training in Bethesda, MD, schedule: Couples Weekend: $350 per couple: March 6-7; April 17-18; May 22-23. 4400 East-West Hwy. Bethesda Maryland 20904-4501 301-986-1479 Toll free - 800-432-6454 Email: niremd at nire.org Web:www.nire.org Rita DeMaria, MS, PhD, PAIRS Master Teacher The Relationship Center: A comprehensive resource center dedicated to enhancing relationships: Divorce Prevention; Premarital Education, Relationship Assessment; Marriage Education, and Enrichment. Licensed Mars & Venus Center of Spring House, PA. Offering PAIRS course & workshops, PREPARE/ENRICH assessment, Mars & Venus Workshops, PARTNERS (ABA High School Curriculum). **Schedule: FREE PAIRS Preview; PAIRS Course Feb 24 - June 16 ($1,495/person); PAIRS First (8 wks) (7-10pm;$329/person,$649/couple); Passage to Intimacy (6 wks); (7-9:30pm, $198/person, $379/couple); If You Really Loved Me (4 wks) Feb 23-March (7-9:30pm, $129/person, $249/couple). Getting the Love You Want Imago Couples Workshop: Feb 27-28 ($600/couple). PREPARE/ENRICH Counselor Training ($149/person). PO Box 738/921 Bethlehem Pike Spring House, Pennsylvania 19477 215-643-7659 Toll free - 800-997-2477 Email: PHLPAIRS at AOL.com LESSONS IN INTIMACY Turn your relationship into a Love Affair! Fulfill your heart's yearning for union, through Tantra, Tai Chi, Massage and Meditation. Tune-up your sex connection. Workshops for couples in romantic locations. ** SPRING FLING weekend March 26 -28; MAY DAY: April 30 - May 2. (Lido Beach, Florida). Private, personalized weekend or week-long retreats individually scheduled. 941-346-1024 (9 am - 9 pm EST) Richard and Diana Daffner Email: daffner at home.com Web: http://members.home.net/tantra PAIRS IN PARIS:Jill Bourdais, MA; DESS (Sorbonne) The 5-month PAIRS skill-building program and short PAIRS workshops for couples & singles; PREPARE/ENRICH with follow-up. 16 nationalities have participated. French, English, German spoken. 19 Quai aux Fleurs F-75004 Paris, France (331) 43.54.79.25 Email:JABourdais at compuserve.com Web:pairs.com/paris.htm PREP at PENN COUNCIL (formerly MARRIAGE COUNCIL) The largest PREP program on the East Coast! 20 trained PREP presenters offer 1 and 1 1/2 day workshops designed to increase essential skills for better communication, problem solving, and conflict management. Workshops offered monthly in Philadelphia and surrounding communities. Prices per couple: $275 one-day; $375 one-day plus one evening (prices include private coaching sessions). New Money-Focused Course explores attitudes, hidden meanings and effects of money on your relationship as you learn a new money/relationship approach. **Schedule: PREP classes, 9am - 5pm: Feb 21, Paoli, PA; March 28, Voorhees, NJ; April 24, Horsham, PA; May 22, Philadelphia. New MONEY-FOCUSED Course. Margaret Shapiro 215-382-6680 Email: lclark at pcfr.org Website: www.pcfr.org PAIRSTexas, Kelly Simpson, MA Psyc, LMFT With her husband, Robert Crawford, JD, teaches the highly acclaimed, researched, relationship skills course, PAIRS, as preventative maintenance, as divorce prevention, as pre, ongoing or divorce conflict resolution for couples, and as imperative education for singles, pre or newlyweds. For couples and singles in any stage of relationship. MedicalPAIRS is also offered for improved health linked with healthy relationships. For patients and partners associated with stress-related illnesses. **Dallas Schedule: Two-day workshops- March 27, 28; June 5, 6. Highly Acclaimed Semester-long Course - Free previews. See website for additional Texas cities. 9400 North Central Expressway #310 Dallas, Texas 75231 214-369-5717 Toll free (877)PAIRSTx Web: www.pairstexas.com Email: KSimpson at SWBell.net Jean Reeves, MEd, MFT PAIRS Leader - A unique way to INVEST in your MARRIAGE, ... MARRIAGE INSURANCE...Offering PAIRS Programs : One day, Two Day (Passage to Intimacy), PAIRS FIRST, Semester Course, and PAIRS for Schools. **Class Schedule: PAIRS First, 8 wks 7 -10pm begins March 2, $325pp; PAIRS Passage to Intimacy Weekend, April 24, 25, 9:30am - 5pm, $225 pp. 215-646-0553 TOGETHER Box 735 Gwynedd Valley, Pennsylvania 19437 (Philadelphia Area) Email: jean at pairs.org WEB: www.pairs.com/jeanreeves Relationship Enrichment Center Susan Townsend, PhD, Director A comprehensive relationship center which offers seminars and workshops for individuals and couples who want to enrich the interpersonal relationships in their lives. Couples and individuals at any stage of relationship can improve their relationship health by learning and practicing new behaviors and skills. Also: PAIRS for Schools, parenting, step-parenting; cardiac rehab stress management and corporate communication workshops. **Courses include: PAIRS Passage to Intimacy - $250/pp, $500/couple, March 20 & 21, 9am- 5pm or Feb 22, Tues nights (for 8 weeks) 7-9pm; PAIRS First - $285/pp, 550/couple, 8 weeks: PAIRS Semester Course- TBA Healthy PAIRS- A workshop for cardiac patients and their spouses. $250/pp, $500/couple. Feb 26 & 27 (Fri 5-9pm & Sat 9am-5pm) or Tues (12 noon-2pm) for 6 weeks starting in mid Feb. Positive Parenting - skills-based parenting and step-parenting workshop, $210/pp, $420/couple, Feb 17 - April 14, Wed nights 7-9pm Hot Monogamy - $250/pp, $500/couple March 5 & 6 or May 7 & 8 (Fri night, 6-10pm & Sat 9am-5pm) 210 W. Pennsylvania Avenue #700 Towson, Maryland 21204 410-825-2332 Email: relationshipenrich at ttc1.com Web: www.relationenrich.com Allan Rohlfs, LPC, MDiv PREP couple workshops, PET for parents, LET for managers, and Nonviolent Communication for schools, organizations, anyone. PREP workshops in Chicago and the Quad Cities. Individual instruction available. I personally use these skills in all my relationships. **Couples PREP workshops: Chicago, March 20; Quad Cities (Moline, Rock Island, Illinois and Davenport, Bettendorf, Iowa) March 6; 8:30am - 4pm, $110/couple. Nonviolent Communication Class: Chicago, March 23-May 25, $190/person 3743 N. Drake Chicago, Illinois 60618 773/478-6264 Email: Allanrohlf at aol.com Twogether, Inc. Meg Haycraft, LCSW, PAIRS Master Teacher, and Dan Haycraft, MD, provide PAIRS workshops; Relationship Assessments; and Private Skills Coaching Packages by telephone or "in person" appointments. These services are ideal for couples and individuals whose relationship needs an immediate intervention or are wishing to strengthen an already "good" relationship. GIFT CERTIFICATES AVAILABLE FOR ALL SERVICES!! ** Schedule: PAIRS WORKSHOPS: "Passage to Intimacy" $250 per person, $449 per couple, Chicago; If You Really Loved Me, March 20, $129 per person/$250 couple. 2809 Central St Evanston, Illinois 60201 847-475-7135 (phone & fax) EMail: MegLuvLife @AOL.com "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 22 23:20:20 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 23:20:20 -0500 Subject: Relate from Australia and The Alternatives to Marriage Project Message-ID: <199902230416.XAA03903@mail.his.com> Dear List, This Australia project is impressive. Visit the site and then decide who to send it to. Maybe your favorite congress person! Your Governor? Kevin and Margaret Andrews will present an update on this at the July conference. - DS RELATE - relationship skills for love, family and life is an Australian Commonwealth Government initiative. Relate is a community education campaign designed to increase awareness about marriage and relationship education and to break down the barriers to people accessing these services. The Commonwealth Government currently contracts through the Department of Family and Community Services 46 organisations to deliver marriage and relationship education in 149 locations throughout Australia. The campaign targets people at different transition stages of relationships - the committed young relationship, the birth of the first child, combining work and family, blended families and the role of fathers. To find out more - visit our website: www.relate.gov.au/ _________________________ Dear CMFCE, Here's a post I clipped off the FAM SCI list serve - this was part of the ongoing thread discussion in response to the Coahibitation report released by The Marrige Project. Thought you'd find this interesting. I'll subscribe and keep you up-to-date on any interesting posts. Though you might want to subscribe and take part in the discussions. They have an Alternatives conference coming up at Rutgers, home of The Marriage Project. -DS >Another listserv on a somewhat related topic is ATMP-Talk, the >announcement and discussion list of the Alternatives to Marriage Project. >My partner and I founded ATMP a year ago -- it's a new national >organization that provides resources, advocacy, and support to people who >choose not to marry, are unable to marry, or are in the process of deciding >whether marriage is right for them. > >The listserv is fairly low-volume (lower than FamilySci) and most of the >discussion is from people in various kinds of non-traditional families and >relationships, but there are some professionals there, also. I think many >people on the list would like to know more about the research that's being >done related to cohabitation and unmarried families, and they also have >great insights about the role marriage (or the lack thereof) plays in >people's lives. We have been doing our own qualitative research for a book >we are working on on this subject and would love to meet others with >similar interests! Here's a clip off their web site: http://www.netspace.org/atmp >Most and Least Unmarried States > >According to Census data, Alaska has a higher percentage of unmarried >partners living together than any other state; Alabama's percentage is the >lowest. Here are the top and bottom 10 states in terms of the percentages: > >States with Highest Percentages of Unmarried Cohabiting Partners >(including same sex and opposite sex): >1 Alaska - highest percentage of unmarrieds >2 Vermont >3 Nevada >4 Maine >5 New Hampshire >6 D.C. >7 Washington >8 Oregon >9 New Mexico >10 California > >States with Lowest Percentages of Unmarried Cohabiting Partners (including >same sex and opposite sex): >1 Alabama - lowest percentage of unmarrieds >2 Arkansas >3 Utah >4 North Dakota >5 Oklahoma >6 Tennessee >7 Mississippi >8 West Virginia >9 Kentucky >10 Kansas > >To subscribe, send a message to LISTSERV at NETSPACE.ORG that says (in the >message text) >SUB ATMP-TALK. Weekly digest (one message a week) and announcements only >(one message a month) options are available -- email atmp at netspace.org to >request these. > >Dorian Solot >Alternatives to Marriage Project >P.O. Box 991010 >Boston, MA 02199 >(781) 793-9911 >atmp at netspace.org >http://www.netspace.org/atmp "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 24 15:25:25 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 15:25:25 -0500 Subject: EMAIL FIXED//Bad Vibes Contagious//More courses - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902242021.PAA03222@mail.his.com> CMFCE switched to a new web/email server yesterday. In the process, EMAIL was down for 12 hours. If messages bounced back to you please resend. Sorry for the inconvenience. -DS ________________________ Here are additional marriage education courses for March, April & May taken from the CMFCE Directory. Check the directory for dozens of additional programs. THE DIVORCE BUSTING CENTER Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, Director If divorce is not the answer, what is? FOR COUPLES: Weiner-Davis and associates train couples in the methods of achieving quick relationship change outlined in the best-selling book, Divorce Busting. Her program is effective even if only one partner participates. **Keeping Love Alive Workshop for couples or singles. May 15, Palatine, Illinois (near O'Hare airport) Early registration until April 12- $69 pp/ $129 per couple. Woodstock, Illinois 60098 815-337-8000 Toll free - 800-664-2435 (800-6-Michele) Email: DBusting at aol.com Web: www.divorcebusting.com Phyllis Koss, MSW - PAIRS LEADER PAIRS workshops and courses, PEERS (relationship skills program for Teens and Young Adults), PAIRS FIRST (for pre-marital and early marriage education), and ONE DAY, TWO DAY AND 4 to 5 month PAIRS semester courses - private Pairs coaching also available. Compassion Workshops in Anger Management. PREPARE/ENRICH assessments. For couples and singles in any stage of a relationship. Learn skills to build intimacy and become emotionally fit! Keep love alive and growing. **Passage To Intimacy Workshop: Miami, April 10 -11, 9-5 - $200pp/$375 per couple. 305-639-9566 Fax: 305-639-9915 Miami, Florida Email:ClanKoss at aol.com Mentoring Love and Company This Philadelphia team of Imago Institute faculty provide monthly weekend seminars for couples: The basic "Getting the Love You Want" and the advanced "Return to Romance Weekends." Sunny Shulkin, LCSW, Mark Shulkin, MD and their daughter, Nedra Fetterman, PhD help couples & families who, though in struggle or in impasse, want to flourish. **Course Schedule in Phil, Pennsylvania: Basic Getting the Love You Want Couples Weekend: March 6-7, April 24-25. Intensive Training for Clinicians and Couples: May 13-16. Pat Love, Harville Hendrix, and Sunny will preview their new Imago Education model at the Smart Marriages Conference. 610-667-7645 Email: sunnyis at home.com Web:www:mentoringlove.com _______________________ Evansville, Indiana Monday, February 22, 1999 Research finds bad vibes contagious in families Scripps Howard News Service Frequent exposure to negative emotions can have a toxic effect on family members, according to psychologists doing innovative research to repeatedly sample moods and experiences within families. The research is described in a series of articles published this month in the Journal of Marriage and the Family that highlight the chain reaction of distress that can move through a family. It offers a new model for understanding and predicting how a person?s daily mood impacts others, said the lead editors of the reports, David Almeida of the University of Arizona and Reed Larson of the University of Illinois,who also co-authored three of the reports. ?We all have bad days and negative interactions,? Almeida said. ?This work brings new awareness that being in a negative mood, being unaccessible or generally grouchy can have a noxious effect on the well-being of our families.? Among the specific findings: * Emotions are most often passed from husband to wife and from parents to children, reflecting differences in power within families as well as gender differences in empathy and receptivity. * Negative emotions such as depression and anxiety are more likely to transfer. Bad feelings tend to be more potent and have longer-lasting effects than positive emotions. None of the studies found evidence of contagious joy in families. * Fathers bringing home negative emotions from work that affect other family members are a common pattern. Regardless of family structure, one-parent or two parent, women appear better able to contain work stress and may even strive to compensate for a bad day at work with positive encounters with children and spouse at home. * In situations where there is clearly an understandable reason for negative emotions, family members tend to give one another some slack, and emotions are less likely to be transferred. ?We know from long study that distressed parents tend to have distressed children,? Almeida said. ?Looking at these daily experiences may explain part of this connection.? "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 24 21:24:46 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 21:24:46 -0500 Subject: Texas Covenant bill//Oklahoma Covenant bill - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902250220.VAA28062@mail.his.com> Texas State Rep. Arlene Wohlgemuth has introduced a "new and improved" version of covenant marriage in her legislature. It lets people choose a three-year waiting period for divorce. It removes a few of the counseling specifications that caused problems with churches and lawyers' groups in other states. It can be called up on the web by Bill Number HB350 at http://www.capitol.state.tx.us. - from John Crouch _________________ House Approves Marriage Bill 02/23/1999 By Mick Hinton Capitol Bureau A bill aimed at getting couples to sign a binding covenant before marriage was approved by the state House on Monday, after discussion turned to whether couples who are "shacking up" would be covered. The bill sponsored by Rep. Jim Reese, R-Nardin, provides that a couple can voluntarily sign a document calling for counseling before marriage. The covenant also would require that couples undergo marital counseling and wait 18 months before divorcing. Rep. Dale Wells, D-Cushing, attached an amendment extending covenant agreements to common law marriages, which was apparently a move to sidetrack the bill. "Would your amendment require counseling before shacking up?" asked Rep. Kevin Calvey, R-Del City. "I believe it would," Wells replied. Outside the chamber, Wells said a foundering marriage would not be helped by another piece of paper from the government. It should be enough to take a vow before God, he said. House Bill 1001 was approved 92-7. Reese said 25 percent of all marriages don't make it to the second anniversary. The bill will now go to the Senate, where it may never be approved. Earlier this month, a Senate committee defeated a marriage covenant bill. Sen. Brad Henry, D-Shawnee, whose committee heard the bill, said it was given a thorough hearing. "I don't know why I'd waste the members' time hashing this over again," he said Monday. Last year, the House passed Reese's bill, but it died in the Senate. Gov. Frank Keating in his State of the State address supported covenant marriages. "It's easier to get a marriage license than it is to get a hunting license," he said. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 24 21:31:49 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 21:31:49 -0500 Subject: Teen parenting resources Message-ID: <199902250227.VAA02432@mail.his.com> Dear CMFCE, This is clipped off the FAM NET listserve. From: Kathryn E. Cummings, cummings at msue.msu.edu To: FAMNET, famnet at reeusda.gov For anyone interested, here is the compilation of resources I received as a result of my query on teen pregnancy: 1) My sister (Karen Myers-Bowman) and I have created a model we call The Many Paths to Adolescent Parenthood that summarizes the research into teen sexual activity, contraceptive use, abortion, and adoption to identify the factors that seem to be associated with teens (mostly females) becoming young parents or avoiding the situation at various steps in the process.? We have made it into a game and have used it with adolescents, college and graduate students, and community professionals.? It was created first as a poster session at NCFR.? We have not packaged it for distribution yet, but hope to do so.? There are some tentative pieces that could be shared, however.? Let me know if you are interested. ? Judy Myers-Walls Phone: (765)494-2959 e-mail: myerswal at cfs.purdue.edu 2) There are a lot of organizations that are working on the issue of teen pregnancy. May I recommend the following websites: National Organization on Adolescent Pregnancy, Parenting and Prevention at www.noappp.org Advocates for Youth at www.advocatesforyouth.org The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy at www.teenpregnancy.org The Urban Institute at www.urban.org And there is my own organization that designs and disseminates a couple of nationally recognized teen pregnancy prevention programs. Our website is as follows: http://members.aol.com/legacyrgl/legacy.html Tom Klaus Email: legacyrgl at aol.com 3) May I suggest the following resource to address research on the most common reason/s kids engage in this behavior. Luker, Kristen (1996). Dubious Conceptions: The Politics of Teenage Pregnancy. Harvard University Press, Boston, MA. Dianne Browne, MA, CFLE 4) There is a national resource called NOAPPP, the National Organization for Pregnancy Prevention and Parenting (www.noappp.org). I happen to be the new President of the Board for the MN version (MOAPPP). In addition, The Pregnancy Research Center at here at the University of Minnesota has been working with these issues for years. The best contact, although he is always busy, is Dr. Michael Resnick at 612-624-9111. Good luck! Michael Brott 5)Douglas Kirby did an excellent evaluation on teen pregnancy programs in the book, "no easy answers". You can order this through http://www.teenpregnancy.org/ I have also done a review of programs on adolescent sexuality that include a parent component. i could send you a copy of this review if you are interest. can you receive email attachments. regarding factors associated with behaviors associated with teen pregnancy, i cover this somewhat in my paper, brent miller does an excellent review on family factors assoced with teen pregnancy in his book "family matters" which can also be ordered via the above listed web site. other websites of interest could be: http://cgibin.erols.com/fpwin/prevention.htm http://www.cfoc.org/nationalnews.html http://www.agi-usa.org/ http://www.nnh.org/products/Adolescent.htm best wishes, and please let me know if you have more specific questions. llmeschke 6) Lots to look at, Kathryn. I'd suggest you start with 'No Easy Answers', the paper by Doug Kirby done for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (Washington DC); also ask for the National Campaign's bibliography list - great stuff. Contact Kristin Moore at Child Trends, Inc. in Washington DC for her two monographs (June 1996) on adolescent pregnancy, sexuality, prevention, etc. Family Planning Perspectives is a key source journal on this topic as well. This should get you going. Michael Resnick 7) Check out Be Proud Be Responsible: Strategies to Empower Youth to Reduce Their Risk for Aids, Jemmott, L.; Jemmott, J., and McCaffree, K.. Postponing Sectual Involvement Reducing the Risk (PSI), Howard, Mitchell, & Pollard, 1990. Reducing, Barth, 1989. These are used in Erie County, Ohio contact Kay Gilbert at callkay at accsandusky.com for more information address 420 Superior Street, Sandusky, OH 44870 Phone 626-5623. She has a board of professionals that insist on using proven research materials. It seems successful teens have adult mentorsip and are involved with volunteer work. Ann Fremion 8) Having worked in the area of pregnancy and pregnancy prevention for many years, i would wholeheartedly agree that just say no IS NOT ENOUGH! Cornell Coop Extension in Orange County offers an exciting and well received program in pre-parenting education, targeted at middle schoolers, grades 6,7, &8. We've also done this with High School students, though we prefer not to wait that long! "Positive Life Choices" is a collaborative program that is designed to help children understand the realities that come with parenting and family life. Sessions include : "Real PArents: Simpsons or the Brady Bunch"; "Exploring Consequences: If You Think a Pimple is Embarrasing", "What is an Abstinence?"; and "Parenting 101: The Real Deal." I have descriptions of these programs, along with some basic outlines. Unfortunately, I'm not great at including these in my message, but would be glad to send them to you, Kathryn, should you be interested. I also have a video which we produced locally, and has won several national awards, that stresses the need for pre-parenting programs in our schools as a means of reaching all youth before they make a poor choice that will effect them ever after. This can be ordered through Cornell. Also, we have used the "Baby Think It Over Dolls" and "Empathy Belly" as part of our programming, and they are excellent tools! Please let me know any way in which I can assist you. This particular topic is my passion! My mailing address is Denyse A. Variano, Cornell Cooperative Extension - Orange County, Dillon Dr., Community Campus, Middletown, NY 10940. 914-344-1234. e-mail dav4 at cce.cornell.edu. Good luck in this important work!!! Denyse 9) I encourage you to check out the Bridge for Adolescent Pregnancy, Parenting, and Sexuality (BAPPS) on Extension's National Network for Health (NNH) web site (www.nnh.org). Jennifer Hruska 10) We have a Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting at the University of Missouri in Columbia. We have a great deal of information on curricula to use with adolescents, what is and is not effective, etc. In addition, the Center's Director, Dr. Lynn Pike, is conducting a research study on "Reducing the Risk, " an STD/pregnancy prevention curriculum. She has some very interesting insights on why adolescents do not engage in sexual behaviors. If we can be helpful to you, please contact us. In the meantime, I will send you a brochure that describes our Center and services. Guriana Wittstruck, PhD Center on Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy and Parenting University of Missouri, Outreach and Extension 573-882-6687 wittstruckg at missouri.edu 11) I've compiled several reports on effective prevention strategies, which also include an extensive review of the "causes" and consequences. They are online at: www.ca.library/cafis. Good luck! Jennifer Hruska 12) Jane Fonda has an organization- Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention. This organization was formed when Georgia led the nation in Teen Pregnancy (95-96?). Jane personally commited dollars and the Turner Foundation to SOLID research based prevention programs. In her style, GCAPP also is a strong political advocacy organization. There have been many transitions with staff so when you call be specific and ask for the research findings and organizational information. Jane is also touchable if you wish or need her, ask. Suzanne ---------- 13) Some great examples of approaches and resource materials can be found on the Extension Bridge for Adolescent Pregnancy, Parenting and Sexuality website. Kind of walk through the various "click points" and you will see examples. The position papers for each of the work groups will be there along with the overall Extension position paper. I am most active on the parenting work group and some very resourceful people are working in the areas of sexuality and pregnancy issues. Resources and information are being added all of the time. You can reach the web site with the following address: http://www.nnh.org. Once in, click on "Work Groups" which will take you to another screen. Then click on the topical group, "Bridge for Adolescent Pregnancy, Parenting and Sexuality". Explore what is there. Gerri Peeples Extension Specialist 14) In Young County in Texas, for the last three years we have been dealing with the issue of teen pregnancy through a number of angles of attack. One of the most successful things we have tried is our teen parent panel discussion. Real life teenaged parents from our alternative school speak in panel discussion format to our middle school girls, 7th and 8th grade. It never fails to make a big impression on the audience as the panel speaks from the heart about their situation as parents. The message is one of abstinence. The topics usually covered are STD's/AIDS, the financial aspect of teen pregnancy, how it affects family relationships, peer relationships, lack of commitment on the part of the teen father, the physical side, how life's dreams are put on hold or changed forever. Teen fathers also participate in the panel. Sheryl Mahaney 3201 Hwy 16 South Graham, Texas 76450 (940)549-0737 fax (940)549-8140 smahaney at tamu.edu Again, thanks for the terrific resources! Kay Cummings ~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~ Kathryn E. Cummings, Voice: 616-924-0500 County Extension Director Fax: 616-924-6480 Newaygo County MSU Extension 817 S. Stewart cummings at msue.msu.edu Fremont, MI 49412 ~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~ ----------------- End Forwarded Message ----------------- Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Feb 25 10:41:54 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 10:41:54 -0500 Subject: Politician Give Church Greater Role - McManus 2/25/99 Message-ID: <199902251537.KAA08632@mail.his.com> Feb. 24, 1999 POLITICIANS GIVE CHURCHES GREATER ROLE By Mike McManus MADISON, Wis. -- Wisconsin Assembly Speaker Scott Jensen, at 37, one the nation's youngest Speakers of a Legislature, raised eyebrows a few weeks ago in his Inaugural Address. He said, ''For too long, government has made communities of faith adversaries in its bureaucratic attempts to build a civil society. It is time we welcome back our churches and temples, our synagogues and mosques as full participants in our work to address the pressing issues facing our state.'' Many critics wrote him nasty letters saying he was violating the historic wall between church and state. In his speech, he explained, ''For thousands of years, we relied on organizations of faith to educate our children, care for our poor and shape our values. But in the middle of this century, government elbowed faith out of the public square and attempted to fill the `God-shaped hole' in our cultural fabric with legions of bureaucrats, reams of regulations and a torrent of taxes. ''The founders of our republic foresaw a vigorous role for faith in our society to moderate selfish passions and reinforce shared values. In fact they viewed this foundation of virtue as essential to the concept of liberty.'' In an interview, he cited George Washington's Farewell Address to the nation, an important speech marking the first peaceful transition though an election of national power in world history. Washington warned: ''Of all the dispositions which lead to political prosperity, religion and morality are indispensable supports.'' What can churches do to help solve America's social problems? Wisconsin is exploring how to give religious groups a role in crime prevention. This week, Speaker Jensen invited Rev. Eugene Rivers to speak to the Assembly about his work with gangs in Boston that has been so effective that murders by youth have almost been eliminated. There used to be about one killing of a young person by a youth every week. However for the last five years, there has been only one such murder. On Jan. 28, Jensen invited my wife, Harriet, and me to address the Assembly about our work to reduce the divorce rate through a group we created called Marriage Savers. Why? Jensen said, ''We in the legislature are constantly dealing with the fallout from broken marriages. And we spend more money and create more government programs to constantly deal with the pathologies that result from when marriages fall apart. It seems to me to make sense we should make some sort of investment at the front end to make better, stronger marriages. ''The McManuses and their Marriage Savers program seems to be remarkably successful in communities around the country. So we asked the Legislature to listen in hopes that we might be able to work together to restore and strengthen marriages around Wisconsin.'' I told the Assembly, ''The disintegration of the family is the central domestic problem of our time. Children living with single parents are three times as likely to have a child out-of- wedlock as those from an intact home, twice as likely to drop out of school or become delinquent and six times as likely to commit suicide. ''However, the clergy of 100 cities have joined in ''Community Marriage Policies'' which have reduced divorce rates by as much as 35 percent in Modesto, Cal. and Kansas City, Kansas, and by 7 percent in the first year in Eau Claire, Wis. ''The core reform can be summarized in one sentence: In every church or synagogue there are couples with strong marriages who can be of help to other couples but have never been asked, inspired or trained to do so. Some can help prepare the engaged for a life-long marriage. Others whose marriages once nearly failed, perhaps due to adultery or alcoholism, can say to those now considering divorce for similar reasons, `We made it. You can too.''' Harriet said, ''Many young people have never seen a good marriage up close. By having a man and a woman sit down with a young man and woman, both genders will feel understood. They feel comfortable coming back to us if they get in trouble, which many would not do with a pastor. As one of our mentors says, `Before you tie the knot, let us show you the ropes!''' I added, ''As elected leaders, you have a bully pulpit. You could ask the clergy of your area to consider creating a Community Marriage Policy to bring down your area's divorce rate.'' Wisconsin is also considering legislation to give churches an incentive to help those on welfare to find and keep jobs in the Wisconsin Works program. How refreshing it is for political leaders to ask people of faith for answers! For information on starting a Community Marriage Policy contact Mike and Harriet McManus at 301-469-5870. "Around the Coalition" shares a range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences: 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your program in the Directory of Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 (FAX 202-362-0973) cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Feb 25 11:37:35 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 11:37:35 -0500 Subject: I wanted to change my husband - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902251633.LAA16796@mail.his.com> Dear CMFCE, Michele Weiner-Davis author of Divorce Busting and other books - read first chapter of each on her web site at http://www.divorcebusting.com -- will be featured speaker at the Smart Marriages banquet. She's also doing a full-day training institute on Monday. -DS ________ Parenting Magazine By Pam Satran Minor Adjustments Can you ever really change the one you love? I wanted to change my husband. Not in any huge way. He doesn't have any horrible habits - blowing his paycheck on the ponies, sleeping with my relatives - that I needed to break him of. I wasn't out to make him taller, or smarter, or sexier. No, it was tweaking he needed, improvement of the usual marital kind. What if, for instance, I could get him to do more around the house? Get him to adore doing dishes, relish handling the taxes? What if I could make him a masseur? A touch more patient and a tad more thoughtful - a little more prompt and a bit more cuddly? Just when I'd resigned myself to living with an imperfect mate, along came a trend: articles and books suggesting that I could transform my husband - without him even knowing it. Using as my guide a copy of Michele Weiner - Davis's, A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man (subtitle, yes! Without His Even Knowing It) I decided to give a few techniques a whirl. Here, what I tried and what happened: TECHNIQUES #1 AND #2 BE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT AND DON'T CRITIQUE I can't simply say I want my husband to be more affectionate and more helpful around the house, evidently: I've got to be very specific about my wishes. I must say that I want him to wrap his arms around me and give me a big long kiss when he gets home from work, for example, or that I want him to empty the dishwasher every night. When I notice after dinner one evening that the kitchen is a mess, I seize the moment. "I want you to clean the kitchen," I tell him. Then I quickly leave the room to help the kids change into pajamas and to read our 4-year-old a dinosaur book. When I return to the kitchen to get the ear infection medicine I've forgotten, the dishwasher is loaded, the counters are clear, and my husband is sweeping. I dash back up to the kids' room, resisting any impulse to check whether the sink is clean or the dishwasher is loaded correctly. One of the most common ways to turn a man off to housework, the book says, is to direct or criticize his efforts. If you want him to do it, just let him do it. When I go into the kitchen the next morning, I am momentarily buoyed by its sparkling appearance. Then I walk over to the sink and gag at the sight of coffee-ground-encrusted melon rinds littering the porcelain. I open the dishwasher to retrieve a clean spoon and discover everything is still dirty, and the glasses are lying on their sides in the pot section, where they're sure to stay dirty. Slamming the dishwasher closed, I turn to: TECHNIQUE #3 DO A 180 DEGREE All right, so maybe his talent is more massage-giving than dishwasher-loading. Except that for years now, I've been trying to get him to incorporate massage into foreplay, to no avail. I've tried asking for it, giving it in hopes of getting it back, issuing ultimatums: No sex if you won't rub my back! But the best I ever get is a few puny strokes before he's looking for something juicier. In this situation - trying unsuccessfully to get your mate to change by a method that never works - Weiner-Davis advises doing a 180: the exact opposite of whatever it is you've done before. But the opposite of what I've always done is acting as if I don't want a massage, don't want any hugging, snuggling, or other affectionate preamble at all. Weiner-Davis warns that 180s usually are unpleasant at first, but they work. At night in bed, I drop my book and roll on top of my husband. His eyes open wide in surprise. Make that shock. "No touching," I instruct him. "And whatever you do, don't try to give me a massage." He readily agrees. The next day I have a new idea, inspired by a story in a book in which a wife, tired of nagging her husband to wallpaper the living room, does a 180 and tells him he was right to resist, that she's hiring a professional. That night, I tell my husband that he was smart not to try to massage me all those years, that I'm going t arrange weekly massages with Hugo, a professional. My husband considers this information carefully. Then he asks whether we can have that no-touching sex again. TECHNIQUE #4 TRY TREATING HIM LIKE A DOG Call it, as Weiner-Davis does, "the magic behind Lassie," but dog training principles can be applied to man. The strategy? Issue clear and simple commands, give prompt and desirable rewards for good behavior, and ignore the negative in hopes it will go away. It has been several nights since my husband misloaded the dishwasher, since he attempted to clean the kitchen at all, but I don' comment on that. Rather, after the kids are in bed, I tell him - in much the same tone I might use to say, "Sit!" or "Stay!" - to sweep the floor while I do the dishes. To my amazement. he picks up the broom and begins sweeping immediately, chatting companionably. "You sweep so well!" I tell him. Dogs really respond to praise. "Thanks," he says. "You do the dishes so much better than I could do them!" He finishes sweeping, moves behind me at the sink, and begins kneading my weary shoulders. "Oh, God," I say, astonished. "That feels great." "You deserve it," he tells me. I go so limp that I drop a glass in the sink. My husband tells me not to worry, he'll clean it up, and leads me out of the kitchen and into the bedroom, where he continues the massage. Although I keep expecting him to segue into lovemaking, he works on me until I'm practically out of my mind with desire, I have to beg him for sex, and he finally complies. The next day I go looking for the book in search of more brilliant man- changing techniques. It takes me a long time to find it. Because it's where I never thought it would be: on my husband's side of the bed. "Around the Coalition" shares a range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences: 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your program in the Directory of Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 (FAX 202-362-0973) cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 26 17:20:55 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 17:20:55 -0500 Subject: MD Covenant/Dump No-Fault study/Internet harms marriage/legislative punch// Message-ID: <199902262216.RAA07354@mail.his.com> A Covenant Marriage bill was introduced in the Maryland House of Delegates yesterday. The bill is sponsored by Majority Whip James Malone (D-Arbutus) and Family Law subcommittee chair Kenneth Montague (D-Baltimore). A hearing in the Judiciary Committee has been set for Tuesday, March 16th at 1 pm in the Lowe Office Building. Additional information is available from James_Malone at house.state.md.us or from Richard Kidd of Marylanders for Divorce Reform, rkidd at mailhub.ihs-inc.com. The bill's text can be retrieved from http://mlis.state.md.us/1999rs/bills/hb/hb1076f.rtf A summary and status information are available at http://mlis.state.md.us/1999rs/billfile/HB1076.htm John Crouch Americans for Divorce Reform: http://www.divorcereform.org ____________________ 1999 FROM THE OTTAWA CITIZEN Friday 26 February 1999 Dump no-fault divorce: study 'Disastrous' law allows adults to steal at children's expense, think-tank says Andrew Duffy, with files from Eric Beauchesne Canada should scrap its no-fault divorce law because it allows individuals --mostly men --to steal family assets at the expense of children, says a study by the C.D. Howe Institute. The author of the study, Simon Fraser University professor Doug Allen, argues that no-fault divorce has been a disaster for the Canadian family since it was introduced in 1968. Canada's divorce rate has increased sixfold in 30 years, he said, leading to a dramatic increase in the number of children growing up poor in single-parent families. The law allows one party to petition for a divorce based on a set of established grounds, such as adultery, cruelty or incompatibility. In a study entitled It Takes Two: The Family in Law and Finance, Mr. Allen contends no-fault has stripped the unwilling partner in a divorce of vital bargaining power. "The unilateral aspect of no-fault laws means that too often divorce is little more than an act of theft that leaves behind poor wives and children with reduced human capital --or husbands with only the nominal title of father." The solution, he says, is to abandon no-fault in favour of mutual consent. It means, Mr. Allen said, that neither partner would be able to leave a marriage without a spouse's written agreement. Such a law would restore the bargaining power of the unwilling party and ensure that benefits flow to the couple's children. Too often under the no-fault system, he said, a husband can leave unilaterally but still retain the bulk of family assets because they were held in his name. Often, a woman's only bargaining power is access to the children, which is useless if a husband doesn't care to maintain contact with them. "No-fault divorce laws have altered the relative bargaining strengths of each party," said Mr. Allen, an economics professor. "No-fault allows husbands to gain financially from divorce, but it also allows wives to gain emotionally and perhaps to gain complete custody of children." Under a system of mutual consent, the parties would have to agree on custody and property issues for the divorce to proceed. It would result, Mr. Allen said, in fewer divorces because people in marginal marriages would likely stay together rather than suffer the consequences of a divorce. "The big benefit is nobody can divorce at the expense of the other party -- and you don't have to lie as you did under the old fault-based system. One partner would have to essentially pay the other to leave." Every year, about 50,000 Canadian children watch their parents go through divorce proceedings. Research shows the probability of those children falling victim to some kind of social ill increases significantly in single-parent families. "If we can decrease the divorce rate," Mr. Allen said, "we reduce the flow of kids into that stream and that has huge social impacts." Meanwhile, the Institute said in a report that some modest-income families with children are paying up to nearly two-thirds of every extra dollar they earn in income taxes. Such "unacceptably high marginal tax rates are due to the fact that benefits from federal and provincial government programs aimed at the poor are clawed back as earnings rise." And to ease that "unfair" tax burden, the report calls for an end to the clawback of the child tax benefit, which would cost the federal government $6 billion a year. The report is one of a collection of essays critical of the tax treatment of families published by the institute yesterday. The C.D. Howe's publishing of the report is somewhat surprising in that, while it supports lower taxes, it has also railed in the past against what it argued were overly generous and unaffordable social programs. The report, written by John Richards, a former member of the Saskatchewan NDP government of Allan Blakeney, recommends that the child tax credit be extended to all families with children regardless of income, much as the old baby bonus was paid to all families. The recommendation, in effect, is a call for a restoration of universality in social support for families with children, a concept abandoned by the former Tory government as too costly. In his report, Mr. Richards admits the move would be expensive but counters it is needed "to reduce the very high marginal effective tax rates on modest-income families." ________________________ Tuesday, February 23, 1999 BBC ONLINE Sci/Tech Internet 'harms marriage' Virtual chat rooms are one of the reputed causes of Internet addiction By George Eykyn The Internet has evolved from a mine of information into a means of making money. But some argue it is an addictive social danger, with a proven track record in destroying marriages. At least, so say the Americans. The latest Tom Hanks film, You've Got Mail, is about an affair that starts on the Internet. There is also a study in America which blames the Net for a third of divorces there. The alleged dangers are virtual chat rooms, spending too long online and ignoring your family. But at a conference of Internet providers, most thought the dangers were being exaggerated. Counsellors say there is increasing numbers of people blaming the Internet for their problems. But excessive time online is seen as a symptom, not a cause of marriage breakdown. Ed Straw, Chairman of Relate, says: "I'm not knocking the Internet. It has a lot of values and uses, but if you are spending a lot of time on it and that has got in the way of your relationship, then it may be a good idea to have a look at your relationship." Marriage breakdown One of the Britian's leading researchers into Internet use, Dr Mark Griffiths, says his findings suggest a small, but significant number of people do blame the Internet for the break-up of their marriage: "Women complain their husbands are spending too much time - up to 16 hours a day - online, which means they are neglecting their family, children and job." He thinks relationships begin on the internet because people reveal their emotions quicker than in real life: "People online feel good about themselves, and there's an instant buzz when you're in a chat room or you get an e-mail and it goes on behind people's backs." If the problem persists you could always get counselling on-line at www.internetaddiction.com. __________________ Dear List, So who is going to sponsor a "Smart Marriages" bill? -DS Bill writers discover name says everything LEGISLATION: An act by any bureaucratic name doesn't always smell so sweet ? so lawmakers add punch. February 23, 1999 By JIM ABRAMS The Associated Press WASHINGTON ? It wouldn't be easy to vote against the Taxpayer Relief Act. And what about the Stop Sweatshops Act or the Drug Free Century Act? With 535 senators and representatives vying for attention in Washington, lawmakers are increasingly finding that getting their legislation passed starts with coming up with a good name ? even if it sometimes is somewhat misleading. "There are 5,000 bills introduced each year, and they won't go anywhere if the titles are too arcane or too bureaucratic," said Rep. Cliff Stearns, R-Fla., who is sponsoring a bill informally named the Honest Balanced Budget Act of 1999. Stearns' bill would separate the Social Security Trust Fund and the general budget, a move that could change the whole concept of budget surpluses. Among other names informally attached to bills introduced in the first weeks of this congressional session are the Education Bill of Rights (which promotes more local control of education money), the Mass Immigration Reduction Act (which imposes a moratorium on immigration), and the Honesty in Sweepstakes Act (which targets games of chance sent through the mail). The Republicans, after their takeover in 1995, put special effort into naming bills on their "Contract With America" agenda, coming up with the Common Sense Legal Reforms Act, for a controversial bill limiting lawsuits on faulty products, and a prison-building bill called the Taking Back Our Streets Act. "You want to make it sound like it's a motherhood-and-apple-pie issue," Senate historian Donald Ritchie said. "That overlooks the fact that often there's more than one way to look at something." Behind some of the high-minded sentiments in some of the names lie controversial proposals. The Taxpayer Relief Act would reduce individual income tax rates by 10 percent, a Republican plan that is adamantly opposed by the White House and most Democrats. In the Senate, conservative Sen. Jesse Helms, R-N.C., has introduced such bills as the Unborn Children's Civil Rights Act, a bill to restrict abortions, and the Civil Rights Restoration Act, which restricts affirmative action. Several years ago, Congress spent a lot of time on the Defense of Marriage Act, which was aimed at denying federal benefits to same-sex couples. Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif., said at the time that she thought from the name that the bill was going to deal with some of the stresses that most married people face. "I was looking forward to seeing this legislation. "Then when I see it, it turns out to be something completely different," she said. "It certainly is not about defending marriage." "Around the Coalition" shares a range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences: 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your program in the Directory of Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 (FAX 202-362-0973) cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 26 17:38:48 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 17:38:48 -0500 Subject: Michigan: Church, courts link up to help save marriages - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902262234.RAA18338@mail.his.com> I guess they never heard of Lanawee county and Judge Sheridan or Community Marriage Policies?? Are any of you on the list involved with this one?? -Diane ______ Church, courts link up to help save marriages Unusual pact draws constitutional concerns February 26, 1999 BY DAVID CRUMM AND PATRICIA MONTEMURRI Detroit Free Press Staff Writers An unusual partnership between Wayne County judges and religious leaders is to be launched today to strengthen marriages -- and to provide counseling and other services when marriages are breaking up. The idea has the enthusiastic support of many clerics. However, it has raised concerns at the American Civil Liberties Union about whether it violates the constitutional separation of church and state. Wayne County Circuit Judge Helen Brown initiated the plan. She works in the Family Court division and said she has the backing of its seven other judges. She insists their plan will pass constitutional muster. The core of the program is a covenant Brown and clerics wrote. Under the agreement, church leaders will promise to provide extensive premarital counseling, programs to help troubled marriages and even safe places where parents can hand off their children when exchanging custody. "The covenant is a solemn promise from the clergy to the court," said Brown, a judge for eight years. "I will be taking this to all the major denominations throughout the county." Brown said: "We're asking the ministers to do a little preventive maintenance, to do adequate premarital preparations, to stay with the marriage after they perform it. Have some mentoring and enrichment opportunities for couples." And if a marriage fails, said Brown, "there will never be a court order sending people to a religious institution. But there will be a resource available to them." If Brown has her way, in the future, Wayne County parents who file for divorce -- or non-married parents involved in custody cases -- are likely to find court officers handing them a list of churches that provide counseling and mediation. Brown emphasized that judges still will decide how property and custody issues are resolved, but church counselors may help resolve personal conflicts on issues such as visitation. "This is a very important thing to do," said the Rev. Edward Branch, president of the Council of Baptist Pastors of Detroit and Vicinity. "The divorce rate within the community is too high. Many of the well-established churches already are doing counseling with couples, but we must admit that we can do more." Imam Abdullah El-Amin, head of the Council of Islamic Organizations of Michigan, said, "I think this is wonderful. The Koran tells us we should be involved in cases of marital strife." Bud Ozar, Detroit Catholic Cardinal Adam Maida's director of programs for families, already has probably the most extensive array of church programs in southeast Michigan for strengthening marriages. However, Ozar said the new interfaith agreement will encourage churches to share their training and ideas with each other. But there is dissent. The idea of judges encouraging people to visit local clergy seems like a potential violation of the constitution's prohibition of any governmental promotion of religion, said Kary Moss, Michigan director of the American Civil Liberties Union. "This covenant appears to be a state endorsement of religious instruction," said Moss. A draft of the covenant text that Brown circulated on Thursday also troubled gay-rights advocates. One of the half dozen promises that clerics are asked to make is to "promote chastity outside of marriage and faithful marriage relationships." That's a problem for gay and lesbian people, said Sean Kosofsky, a spokesman for the Triangle Foundation, a nonprofit civil-rights group in Detroit. "This covenant certainly sounds as if it's taking a very strong stand on traditional, restrictive sexual ethics for unmarried couples," said Kosofsky. "The policy sounds narrow and exclusive." Brown says these concerns are unfounded. The plan won't violate the constitution, she said. Courts often turn to church-based organizations such as Jewish Family Services and Lutheran Family Services to aid with counseling and social work matters. Catholic parishes now provide rooms for feuding parents to watch "Kids First" videos, which judges require some to view to illustrate the destructive effects of parents arguing in front of their children. "The judiciary has used the resources of the church historically for many, many decades," said Brown. "Although this particular covenant addresses marriage, ultimately our goal is to serve all parents, whether they've been married or not. Certainly gay couples who have children can use these resources at any facility of their choice." "Around the Coalition" shares a range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences: 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your program in the Directory of Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 (FAX 202-362-0973) cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Feb 28 16:40:22 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 16:40:22 -0500 Subject: Marriage Mediation Money Mag//Parenting Ed//Divorce Court Reform Message-ID: <199902282136.QAA15768@mail.his.com> John Fiske is a divorce lawyer who presented at the 1998 Smart Marriages conference on "Marital Mediation: Not Divorce Mediation" who appears in the March issue of MONEY magazine. Here is the description for session #712. "Marital Mediation helps couples stay married by developing written, enforceable contracts to REDEFINE the terms of the marriage around problem areas of money, time, children. Process includes discovery, disclosure, and negotiation." The couple is contemplating divorce and instead renegotiates their marriage so they can preserve it. You may want to order the audiotape as he can't make it to the '99 conference....he has a family reunion. >Dear Diane: This letter is from John A. Fiske, whose picture graces part >of the March issue of Money Magazine thanks to you. When Jean Chatzky >asked me for organizations to whom she should refer people I told her >about you and she said, "That's where I got your name." > I wrote a thank you note to Robert Solian, >the managing editor, thanking him for the fine treatment I received from >Jean Chatzky and Cathy Mather, the photo editor. They were a pleasure to >work with. > The concept of marital mediation is received very >favorably by many of my clients and virtually every colleague with whom >I discuss the approach. I have several couples who are coming to me to >explore the possibility and other couples who came thinking of divorce >and are now rethinking whether they would rather work on the marriage. >Thanks again for what you are doing, John. ________________ PARENT EDUCATION BILLS Bills have been filed in both the Florida House and Senate to add Parenting Education skills to the life management skills class - the same place the marriage/relationship skills were added in the 1998 Marriage Preparation and Preservation Legislation. This should be of interest to those of you who have parenting curricula. ______________________________ A Post from the Divorce Busting list to remind us of why we do what we do: >Well the weekend's gone by very quick. I have to have my girls back by 6:00 I >cry everytime I have to return them to W. I feel as if I am not a dad. Dads >don't pick up the kids every other weekend! Dads get to see the kids grow up >they get to help with homework tie their shoes in the morning, zip up their >coats. give them kisses at night, hug them every day, just love them every >moment and help them grow. I am so crushed I and empty lost without them. My >oldest 4yrs said to me last night " I want to live with you, You play with us >and you are not angry all the time" It makes me feel angry and hurt what is >happing with my kids and I am powerless to do anything to take their hurt >away. >I am in hell right now. I would do anything to put our family back >together it >is destroying my kids and me.I would sell my soul if it would take the pain >away from my kids. ________________________ >Company Press Release >Monday 22 February 1999 > >Task Force Report: Revamp Family Court, Says Cohen > >HARRISBURG, Pa. - (BUSINESS WIRE) - 22 Feb 1999 - Rep. Lita Cohen (148), >chairman of the House Judiciary Committee's Task Force on Domestic >Relations, today called for a major overhaul of Pennsylvania's family court, >specifically that part of the court system that addresses divorce, custody, >child and spousal support, and the equitable distribution of property upon >divorce. > >Joined at a Capitol press conference by members of the task force and the >Judiciary and Aging and Youth committees, Cohen said that Pennsylvania's >current system costs too much, takes too long and is designed in a way which >fails to understand the ``tremendous emotional and financial pressures being >exerted on mom, dad, and children. > >"In order to help a family's wounds heal, a timely, fair, efficient, and >cost effective means of resolving issues needs to be in place," Cohen said From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Feb 28 16:40:44 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 16:40:44 -0500 Subject: Unmarried bliss -The Alternatives to Marriage Project 2/99 Message-ID: <199902282136.QAA15996@mail.his.com> January 7 - 14, 1999 Unmarried bliss Living happily ever after doesn't necessarily require a marriage license by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller Duncan Smith remembers when, not so long ago, hotel check-in clerks requested evidence that he was married to his wife. Back then, he says, "If you wanted to be with someone, you had to be married." Times have changed. Today, Smith, now divorced, lives with Lydia Breckon in the Edgewood neighborhood of Cranston with their three dogs and a cat. For 11 years, they've shared their lives, their cooking and cleaning, and their vacations. People sometimes assume they are married. But they have never taken a trip down the aisle together. They describe themselves as pragmatists, not radicals. "I don't have a banner or a flag. I don't march around saying [being unmarried] is the right way to live. But on the other hand, I feel totally comfortable," Breckon says. Living together without marriage, once unheard of, has become commonplace in America today. Parents often advise children to delay marriage and live with a partner to test the relationship, and growing numbers are forgoing marriage altogether. Unlike gay and lesbian couples, whose fight to legalize same-sex marriage has dominated recent headlines, those who choose not to marry receive little attention for their unique situation. According to the US Census, 12,000 partners like Smith and Breckon live together in Rhode Island without being married. Nationally, there are 5.6 million, a fivefold increase since 1970. "Today, the `Ozzie and Harriet' family only constitutes about 10 percent of all families. Family diversity is now the norm," says Los Angeles attorney Thomas Coleman, an expert on family diversity and marital status discrimination. Coleman attributes the change to a list of factors, including women in the workforce, changing religious attitudes, no-fault divorce laws, and greater visibility of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people. Yet many unmarried people say that government and private industry have been slow to keep up with the times by implementing laws and workplace policies that recognize the new structures of families. Most cohabiting couples will marry eventually. For many, living together is a logical way to experience a relationship without making a lifelong commitment. Ken Heskestad of Providence says, "[Living together without marriage] makes me more conscious of what I have and makes me devote more of my energies to the relationship." Living together saves money as well, another common reason people decide to move in with a sweetheart. Significant numbers of people, however, decide to stay together long-term without a formal exchange of "I do's." Their reasons vary. Some, like Jane Fronek, Heskestad's partner, say the choice not to marry allows her a freedom from assumed roles. "Once you are considered someone's wife, people treat you in a certain way, and that is something that really scares me," says Fronek. Television talk shows label unmarried couples "commitment phobic," but many say that their level of commitment to a relationship has nothing to do with its legal status. In California, Amy Lesen's parents divorced when she was a child, and her father went on to have a successful 20-years-and-counting relationship without being married. Today, Amy says she does not want to marry her partner. "I saw one marriage break up, and I saw two people who did not get married stay together for the rest of my life. I think that it drove a point home to me that [marriage] does not really matter," she says. Some people find the institution of marriage too bound to religion. Some have experienced painful or expensive divorces and have sworn never to involve the legal system in their relationships again. Growing numbers of senior citizens find that they would lose a significant amount of the pension they receive from a deceased spouse if they were to wed again. So while college students may have been the first ones to thumb their noses at societal mores by moving in with a lover, today even some grandparents decide it's the way to go. Close to home As a couple who long ago decided not to marry, this issue is a personal one for us. As children, neither of us dreamed of getting married when we grew up, possibly the legacy of our "you can do anything" feminist mothers. Our relationship was strong and felt stable and complete. As bisexuals, we also didn't feel comfortable taking advantage of a privilege that wasn't available to many of our friends in same-sex relationships. Not getting married was an easy decision. Or so we thought. After we'd been living together for a few years, an occasional family member would ask if we were considering marriage. One of our employers refused to give us the type of family health insurance policy for which married couples are eligible. Then, in 1997 there was a news story about a Rhode Island man who wanted to legally adopt the biological son of his female domestic partner, a child he'd been parenting for years and considered his son. But a Family Court judge told the man that until he married the boy's mother, he would not consider the case. Although the story was followed closely in the Rhode Island media, there was no public outrage -- no letters to the editor or courthouse protests -- as there had been in similar cases affecting transracial, gay, and single-parent adoptions. It was becoming clear to us that, in spite of our large and growing numbers, unmarried people didn't see themselves as a constituency, a group that could speak out and demand equal rights. In case we weren't convinced yet, a few months later a potential landlord suggested he would not rent to us as an unmarried couple (breaking Massachusetts state law). A month later, a tenants' insurance company informed us we would have to buy separate policies, paying double what a married couple would. Finally, we got angry enough to do what we'd been talking about for years. We decided to found a national organization to provide resources, advocacy and support for people who choose not to marry, are unable to marry, or are in the process of deciding whether marriage is right for them. The Alternatives to Marriage Project was born, and with it the beginning of a national community where none had existed before. The conversations about what it's like to live without a ring, the challenges and the joys, are just beginning. Unmarried couples may not be harassed by hotel clerks now, but many say they still experience pressure to marry. Breckon remembers the day a newly-married friend of hers told her, "You've got to do this! Why are you holding out this back door in your relationship?" But without marriage, Breckon says, there is a constant need to confirm her commitment to Smith. She told her friend, "There isn't a back door. The back door isn't open. Just because we're not married doesn't mean there's an escape path." Things often get stickiest when unmarried couples decide to have children. Relatives turn up the heat, and for many, there is internal pressure to formalize the relationship. Marie Davis, who lives in Vermont and has participated in our Alternatives to Marriage Project, hasn't decided yet whether she wants to marry her partner of three years. But she says it's hard to know whether she could resist the pressure to marry if they decided to have children. "A friend of mine recently got pregnant," Davis says. "She was married within three or four days of telling her parents. They flew out and did this clandestine little marriage ceremony, and now they're having a big wedding. And it kind of blew me away, like whoooah, those forces are strong!" But even this last bastion of societal expectation is slowly shifting. Studies find that about one in 10 cohabitors give birth to a child while they live together, and an additional quarter bring children from a previous relationship to the current cohabiting relationship. The newest generation of children of unmarried parents, like Arthur Prokosch, a Brown University student, say it doesn't much matter. "It never seemed to me to be that big of a deal that my parents weren't married," he says. "I was just a kid. My parents were there. And so I never really thought about it that much." At a time when it is common for an elementary-school classroom to include children with single, divorced, foster or adoptive, and gay and lesbian parents, children raised with two unmarried parents usually don't see fitting in as a problem. Most say the issue would come up only occasionally, in insignificant ways. Searching his mind for a way in which his parents' lack of a marriage license affected his life, Prokosch remembers, "Every so often, [a friend] would come over and say, `Can I have another glass of milk, Mrs. Prokosch?' " And his mother would then have to decide whether to explain that she had a different last name than Arthur and his dad and that they weren't married. Hillary Gross, a 19-year-old from New Jersey, says she and her college friends sometimes joke about families today. "We would tease somebody 'cause their parents are still married -- `Oh, their parents are married! To each other? How weird! ' " Not just for heterosexuals When one thinks of gays and lesbians and marriage, images of the recent and ongoing high-profile cases to win the right to marry often come to mind. But while many same-sex couples eagerly await their chance to buy a plane ticket to whatever state first allows them to marry, others see themselves on the forefront of a movement pushing for a new definition of what constitutes a family. "In my conception, what the gay and lesbian movement has been about has been tolerance of diversity," says Duncan A. Smith of Providence. Although he thinks same-sex couples should be allowed to marry, he says, "It just doesn't seem like marriage really works effectively for the majority of those who decide to marry." Paula Ettelbrick, a New York attorney, law professor, and activist in the field of "family recognition," points out that since gay and lesbian couples haven't historically had the option of marrying, they have been forced to re-think the very notion of what a family is. "Through our success in creating different kinds of families, we have shown that groups of people can constitute a family without being heterosexual, biologically related, married, or functioning under a male head-of-household," she says. Ettelbrick says LGBT people would be better off continuing to expand how family is defined "rather than confin[ing] ourselves to marriage." For some in the LGBT community, marriage is even more complicated. Julie Waters of Providence, a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual, is in a relationship with a woman. And right now, she can't afford the expensive surgery involved in the medical transition process. Since she is still considered a man legally, she points out, "If I could get married to someone whose health insurance happened to cover conditions related to transsexualism, I could get the insurance through them, go through the [sex change] process, and then, in most places, the marriage would be considered null and void after the process." Situations like this demonstrate how the notion of debating whether marriage should be limited to "one man and one woman" may be missing the point. Employment inclusion In many ways, American society is warming to the idea that families come in many shapes and sizes. A concrete example of this is the trend toward domestic-partner benefits, an option many employers have implemented to update human-resource definitions of "family" for employees of all sexual orientations. The most common type of discrimination unmarried people face relates to equal pay for equal work. While most employers offer health insurance to the spouse and children of an employee, it's less common for policies to be available to unmarried partners. Still, the number of companies, colleges, nonprofit organizations, and municipalities offering domestic-partner benefits to their employees is on the rise. According to a recent poll, 6 percent of large employers now offer domestic-partner benefits, and another 29 percent say they are considering offering them. Although details vary, the plans usually require that couples have lived together for a certain amount of time and that they are jointly responsible for living expenses and are in a caring, committed relationship. In Rhode Island, two of the top 20 largest employers offer domestic-partner benefits: Brown University and BankBoston. Brown implemented the benefits first, in 1994, and in addition to getting a positive response from staff, the benefits have improved the university's ability to recruit and retain employees, says Brown spokesman Mark Nickel. As of today, Brown's definition of domestic partners is limited to same-sex partners, because the policy was developed in response to staff requests, says Nickel. "Same-sex domestic partners have almost no avenue open to them, since same-sex marriage is not legal in Rhode Island or any other state," he explains. "At least opposite-sex domestic partners have some options open to them." But as a result of this same-sex-only policy, Breckon and Smith, a Brown employee, had to weigh their options. At one point, Breckon was in danger of being without health insurance, and Smith says they were frustrated by the fact that, if Breckon had been a same-sex partner, she could have been added to his benefits plan. Instead, Breckon says, "Briefly, on one Thursday, we considered getting married in a hurry." Breckon, however, was able to get a job quickly, so they ultimately avoided this newest kind of shotgun wedding. Other employers are moving in the direction of offering domestic-partner benefits that are more inclusive, defining partners without regard for gender or sexual orientation. BankBoston's plan, which took effect just this summer, is an example. Employees now have the option of adding a spouse, dependent children, a domestic partner of any sex, or another adult dependent who meets certain criteria. "We wanted to expand eligibility with the goal to include as much of the diverse workforce as we could," says Martha Muldoon, a senior worklife consultant at BankBoston. Los Angeles attorney Thomas Coleman is an advocate of broad-based benefits plans like BankBoston's. "I don't see why it is a legitimate business concern to an employer as to whether an opposite-sex couple chooses to be registered domestic partners rather than become legally married," he says. "If the opposite-sex couple is willing to sign the same affidavit and assume the same obligations as the employer has same-sex couples sign, then why should they not be able to do so and get the same employment benefits?" Despite the "family values" rallying cry of politicos, the trend away from marriage and toward less traditional families is unlikely to change anytime soon. Coleman says, "Theoretically, the Constitution protects freedom of choice in certain highly personal decisions, such as those involving marriage, family, procreation, and child-rearing." And he hopes people's freedom to choose how they will structure their families will be increasingly respected by lawmakers, courts, and businesses. Sometimes the freedom to choose results in some unusual benefits. Prokosch, son of unmarried parents, says that when telemarketers called and asked for "Mrs. Prokosch," he could tell them honestly, "There's no one here by that name. "That was quite convenient," he laughs. | home page | what's new | search | about the phoenix | feedback | Copyright ? 1999 The Phoenix Media/Communications Group. All rights reserved. "Around the Coalition" shares a range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences: 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your program in the Directory of Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 (FAX 202-362-0973) cmfce at smartmarriages.com From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 1 17:25:46 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 17:25:46 -0500 Subject: MARRIAGE 101: SKIP THE TRIAL RUN - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902012222.RAA12275@mail.his.com> Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe, authors of "Should We Live Together? will present a workshop and are part of a keynote panel at the July Smart Marriages conference. MARRIAGE 101: SKIP THE TRIAL RUN By Charles M. Madigan. Charles M. Madigan is a Tribune senior writer To many people, particularly young people who have grown up in the era of commonplace divorce, it sounds like an idea that makes a lot of sense. Why risk marriage without a test period? Why not just live together to see if the relationship will work out? In fact, feelings about the idea of cohabitation--living together outside of marriage--have been measured. Sociologists have asked high school seniors to take a position on this statement: "It is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along." About 45 percent of young men and 30 percent of young women agreed with the statement between 1976 and 1980. Between 1991 and 1995, the numbers in agreement jumped to 60 percent of young men and 50 percent of young women. Those attitudes are a reflection of the nation's growing experience at living together. The U.S. Bureau of the Census reports that as of 1997, just over 4 million couples were cohabiting and an increasing number of cohabiting couples were raising children. None of that comes as much of a surprise. It is likely that changes in attitudes toward relationships will be one of the most significant transformations of the last half of the 20th Century. People generally surfed into the 1950s on an assumption that young men and young women would get married, have some kids, get a house in the burbs and live happily ever after. But the surf ride into the next century might as well be happening on a different planet. The discussion these days centers on whether homosexual couples can be married in churches and what kind of special counseling one needs to succeed in that third or fourth marriage. Given those developments, cohabitation seems a likely avenue to pursue in the search for a better way to cement a relationship. But there is a growing body of evidence that despite the trend and despite the attitudes that are helping to drive it, cohabitation may not be such a good idea and certainly not as good an idea as the institution it is starting to replace, traditional marriage. In fact, "living together" undoubtedly is undercutting the idea of marriage in American culture and causing a good deal of damage, particularly to women and children. It appears cohabitation is a healthy option, in most cases, only when there is a marriage date on the horizon, and not on the distant horizon. A study to be released Wednesday at Rutgers University takes the first deep look at the cohabitation trend and presents a series of strong warnings aimed at encouraging young people to rethink their attitudes. Their most significant conclusion: In most cases, if you live together before you get married, your risk of breaking up later actually increases. The study, "Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage," also argues that cohabitation increases the risk of domestic violence toward women and physical and sexual abuse of children. The practice hasn't created much of a track record at all in the areas of happiness and well being. The report is likely to cause controversy because cohabitation has been widely accepted on so many levels that it has never received much of a critical review as a life choice. You see it all the time on television, and the practice itself seems to make a lot of sense. But it is such a relatively new arrival to the relationship scene in the United States that no one, until now, has taken much of a measure of its success rate. The Rutgers report suggests it is a choice that is packed with potential perils. The authors, David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead (who also wrote the controversial "Dan Quayle was right" article in the April 1993 issue of Atlantic Monthly) base their report on extensive research of more than a decade of study on cohabitation questions. "Cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first living-together experience for young men and women," the study says. "When blushing brides walk down the aisle in the 1990s, more than half have already lived together with a boyfriend." Popenoe and Whitehead are co-directors of The National Marriage Project, a new think tank at Rutgers, which aims to provide research and analysis on the state of marriage in the United States. The effort has funding from a variety of private sources, most of them conservative in nature, but it carries the university's mantle and taps Rutgers' long-recognized reputation for high-quality social research. Admittedly, the marriage project's ultimate goal is to find a way to improve that institution. From that perspective, it is no surprise that the authors would present such a critical review of the track record of people who simply choose to live together. But Whitehead and Popenoe argue that the conclusions of the study are based not on their attitudes toward marriage but on a review of almost 50 sources that have published or are about to publish their research on the issue. These are cool-headed researchers. They know that cohabitation is not going to go away and that its popularity is growing. But they suggest people enter these relationships with their eyes wide open. Their report lists four red flags to consider in deciding whether to cohabit. - There is nothing to show that cohabiting leads to a stronger marriage. The data suggest cohabiting before marriage makes divorce more likely. - It is wrong to assume you learn how to have good relationships by cohabiting. In fact, the more a person cohabits, the more likely the person is to embrace cohabiting as a lifestyle. - The longer people live together without marriage, the more likely it is that they'll never marry. A series of cohabitations could become their lifestyle. - Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents, and the economic and emotional effects of the breakup can be devastating on children. Whitehead and Popenoe conclude that the reasons for the darkly predictive side of cohabitation are not entirely clear. (The risk of having an eventual marriage collapse is 46 percent higher for people who have lived together). People who cohabit, they said, are less committed to the relationship and are not reluctant to terminate it. "They are more oriented toward their own autonomy," according to the study's authors. They also discovered that people who cohabit are much more likely to enter unsuccessful cohabiting relationships again--they become serial cohabitors. The only exceptions, they found in their review of cohabiting studies, are cases in which both partners plan to marry each other in the near future or cases in which elderly people cohabit for economic and social reasons. "There is some evidence to support the proposition that living together for a short period of time with the person one intends to marry has no adverse effects on the subsequent marriage," they report. "Cohabitation in this case appears to be very similar to marriage; it merely takes place during the engagement period. This proposition would appear to be less true, however, when one or both of the partners has had prior experience with cohabitation or brings children into the relationship." The most troublesome cohabitation problems, they said, involve children. Two years ago, about 36 percent of the unmarried-household couples identified by the Census Bureau included at least one child under age 18. "One of the greatest problems for children living with a cohabiting couple is the high risk that the couple will break up," the study says. "Fully three quarters of children born to cohabiting parents will see their parents split up before they reach age 16, whereas only about a third of the children born to married parents face a similar fate." One development affecting that statistic is the fact that marriage is on the decline among cohabiting couples. In the last decade, the proportion of cohabiting mothers who go on to eventually marry a child's father declined to 44 percent from 57 percent. Further complicating the situation, according to the report, is the fact that the great majority of children in unmarried couple households were not born from the current relationship, but typically, from a previous union by one of the partners, usually the mother. Economic and social relationships are often tenuous in those kinds of families, the study says. There is scant statistical data on child abuse in cohabiting households in the United States, according to the authors. But one study in Britain found that children living with cohabiting couples are 20 times more likely to be the subject of child abuse. In cases in which the child is living with a mother and a man who is not the father, the risk increases 33 times. The authors are too smart to suggest turning back the clock. In fact, they seem to recognize that one of the most serious flaws in traditional marriage is the assumption that, among equals, the man will be more equal than the woman. They suggest intensive education aimed at young people so they can make better decisions about whether to live together, along with a closer look at marriage and an attempt to create egalitarian marital relationships in which men and women have equal standing. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 1 18:05:22 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 18:05:22 -0500 Subject: Live-in couples may miss out on wedded bliss - 2/1/99 Message-ID: <199902012302.SAA07979@mail.his.com> Cohabitation has big downside, study finds Monday, February 1, 1999 By Karen S. Peterson USA Today Couples who live together before marriage are about 48 percent more likely to divorce than those who don't, says the author of a new review of research on cohabitation. The study finds that living together increases risks of domestic violence. Despite what some couples may think, the overwhelming implication is that "living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce," says study co-author David Popenoe, a Rutgers University sociologist. The report comes as the trend of living together soars. By 1998, the number of unmarried U.S. couples topped 4,236,000 up from 439,000 in 1960, according to the Census Bureau. More than half of first marriages are now preceded by cohabitation, Popenoe says. His project finds: Living together increases the risk of domestic violence for women and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for kids. University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite says the violence rate for live-ins is almost double that of marrieds. Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness. An important exception: Couples who move in together with both partners fully intending to marry seem to do relatively well. Sociologist Alan Booth of Pennsylvania State University has researched cohabitation for two decades. "Committed cohabitors" are different from "permanent cohabitors" who live together long-term, he says. The latter "show a lot of symptoms of depression. Their relationships are not stable, especially if there are children." In 1997, 36 percent of all unmarried-couple households included a child under 18, up from 21 percent in 1987, Popenoe says. Most uncommitted live-in relationships are unstable by definition, experts say. Research shows that "cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples ... to the continuation of the relationship" and are more oriented toward autonomy, Popenoe says. Of particular concern are those who live together in relationship after relationship. Popenoe speculates that "the experience of dissolving one cohabiting relationship generates a greater willingness to dissolve later relationships." Popenoe says "clearly mature people are able to cohabit and go on to strong marriages; this is not something written in stone." He also says his review of existing research shows that in more recent studies the association between cohabitation and divorce may be diminishing somewhat: Fresh studies are needed. But he finds overall that living together is not "marriage- friendly." "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 1 19:27:54 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 19:27:54 -0500 Subject: Colorado puts heat on lawyers to pay their child support - 1/99 Message-ID: <199902020024.TAA00296@mail.his.com> State puts heat on lawyers to pay their child support Deadbeats' licenses at risk under program to speed up payments By Karen Abbott January 31, 1999 Colorado is cracking down on deadbeat parents who are lawyers. The state has collected more than $100,000 in child support since July from delinquent lawyers under a program that threatens to suspend their licenses to practice law unless they pay. The Colorado Supreme Court launched the program in July. It lets former spouses of lawyers collect the child support they're owed within six or seven weeks, said John Gleason, the court's deputy disciplinary counsel. He said his office has sent demand letters to about two dozen lawyers under the new system, giving them 30 days to pay past-due child support or have their licenses suspended. "They pay," Gleason said. Deadbeat parents in other professions statewide won't face loss of their professional licenses until July. And that process probably will take much longer than the speedy crackdown on lawyers, said Teresa Lawser, child-support enforcement manager in the state Department of Regulatory Agencies. Lawyers previously faced a much longer child-support discipline process. Gleason said it took so much time that it was rarely used, although the Supreme Court did suspend some lawyers' licenses over the years for nonpayment. "In the past it was kind of a toothless tiger," Gleason said. "It would take a long time. Now it's very quick." Now lawyers are asked on their annual license-renewal forms -- due at the end of February -- whether they have child-support obligations and whether they are in arrears. They may be disciplined if they lie. If they admit being behind, they quickly receive letters demanding they pay in order to keep their licenses. Gleason said his office quickly handles telephone complaints of nonpayment of child support from ex-spouses, their lawyers, judges and others. The number to call is (303) 893-8121 or toll-free (877) 888-1370. "Just today," Gleason said recently, "we got a letter from an ex-spouse, and we sent one of our investigators over to the district court to pull the court file and the court registry and found out the lawyer is in arrears about $35,000. The letter is already on its way." Gleason said the disciplinary staff will not act unless it finds proof in the original divorce file that child-support payments are in arrears. He said the staff has cracked down on successful and unsuccessful lawyers alike. The amounts they owe vary widely. "We have had them as low as a couple of thousand dollars, and we have had them as high as $60,000 or $70,000," Gleason said. Many of the lawyers who get the demand letters are angry about them, he said. "Initially, they believe that it's none of our business," he said, "until they are faced with the reality that they're going to be suspended if they don't pay. They come around." Under the old system, lawyers could argue to the state's lawyer-discipline authorities that the child support was too high or that the divorce judge had disregarded their inability to pay so much. The Supreme Court's disciplinary office does not listen to those arguments anymore, Gleason said. Now lawyers may have a hearing before a disciplinary judge, but there are only three ways to avoid license suspension for nonpayment of child support: Pay it, agree to a court-approved payment plan or file a motion with the divorce court to change the child support. "I'm very proud of the system," Gleason said. He said Chief Justice Anthony Vollack, now retired, initiated the system, and Chief Justice Mary Mullarkey has continued it. "It's good for the profession because the general public recognizes that the attorneys are policing themselves," Gleason said. "I don't think you're going to find this in other professions, enforcing it as actively as we are." He's right. Ex-spouses of other licensed professionals first must seek help from their county social services offices, which will investigate, try to collect unpaid child support and, eventually, ask Lawser's office for a license suspension if nothing else has worked. Lawser works with boards that license 27 professions in Colorado, including accountants, architects, barbers, hearing-aid dealers, nurses, midwives, plumbers, electricians, social workers, engineers and podiatrists. Real estate agents and insurance agents also are covered by the new child-support rules through Lawser's office. Once a license suspension is requested, deadbeat parents have varying times to pay up, depending on their professions, Lawser said. The individual licensing boards set the deadlines. Accountants and architects have 10 days to get their child-support payments current, but engineers and land surveyors have 30 days, physicians 45, Lawser said. People in other professions have 20 days. Pauline Burton, director of child-support enforcement for the state Department of Human Services, estimates that it takes a month or two for parents to collect child support owed by a licensed professional. "Probably from the time that Mom walks in the door to apply, I think it will take 30 to 60 days," she said. But unlike the former spouses of lawyers, ex-spouses seeking unpaid child support from other professionals may not ask Lawser's office directly for help. Like lawyers, deadbeat parents in other licensed professions will not be allowed to argue to state licensing officials that their child support is too high or that they cannot afford it, Lawser said. Those arguments must be made to the divorce judge. The licensing crackdown on deadbeat parents is required by a 1996 federal law. Colorado already is lifting driver's licenses of parents who don't pay. Threats to take away commercial drivers' licenses have netted the state $1.5 million in the first year, Burton said. "You send that first notice out and it really gets their attention," she said. In two or three years, the state will begin lifting recreational licenses such as those for hunting, fishing and boating, Lawser said. Lawser, who was hired in 1997 to run the program for the Department of Regulatory Agencies, said her office expects to find 2,500 to 4,000 deadbeat parents with state licenses on its first sweep of the records. "I have no mercy," she said. She said some deadbeat parents might try to protest that they will not be able to pay child support if their licenses are suspended because they will not be able to earn money. "Baloney," Lawser said. "I say, 'You weren't paying anyway."' "This isn't about taking away your way to make a living. It's a hammer -- to get you to understand you owe for that child." "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 1 19:47:03 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 19:47:03 -0500 Subject: Clergy networking group, responses to posts -2/1/99 Message-ID: <199902020043.TAA12048@mail.his.com> An Interfaith Brown-Bag Clergy/Laity Breakfast will meet Thurs, Fri, & Sat: 7:30 -8:30am at the Smart Marriage conference. Bring coffee and a bagel and swap ideas about what marriage strengthening initiatives have worked (or not) in your own local congregation. No registration needed. Just show up. This will provide clergy and lay leaders a chance to share information they've learned in workshops and institutes (everyone complains about not being able to be everywhere at once) as well as exchange ideas about what they've already tried, etc. Edward Santana-Grace will moderate. Any other special interests groups should contact me if you'd like to set-up a meeting, reserve a room, etc. Alumni Groups are scheduled to meet Sat from 4-5pm. For those who have trained in programs but for a variety of reasons aren't yet teaching or who are teaching and who want to share ideas or hear about the latest program innovations, web pages, marketing ideas, etc. Those holding reunions: Relationship Enhancement, PAIRS, PREP, Couples Coummunication, Family Wellness, IMAGO. ______________________ I met with Norway's Minister of Children and Family Affairs today and meet with a group from China tomorrow - both very interested in marriage education. Norway's project to provide marriage education nation-wide will be presented at the conference. -Diane Sollee _____________________ The following is a reply to the article about the Wisconsin marriage brochures. >Diane, >This brochure is a great plan! The B.C. Council for Families tried a >similar program province wide ten years ago. Unfortunately, the polical >climate was wrong and most of the vital statistics offices who >administer marriage liscences didn't hand out the brochures. I like the >connection about the hunting liscence. When you apply for one of those, >you get a pamphlet. The same should be true of marriage liscences! > >We have to get past this idea of government offices thinking that they >shouldn't hand out a brochure becasue somehow this is taking a moral >stand! How is it moralistic to promote healthy marriage but not healthy >hunting? > >Rosanne Lyster Rosanne, can we share the BC Council brochure? I still have one treasured copy and will compile a template from the best of these brochures from which others can work. Florida is working to improve their first quick version which was cranked out in time to comply with the Jan 1 implementation date of the Fla marriage legislation; there's the one referred to in the Wisconsin article; PREP did a great one for the state of Colorado a few years back - and I'll bet there are dozens of examples from which to pull information and ideas. The Coalition will serve as the clearinghouse and I'll post the best examples on the web site......AFTER the conference brochure is at the printers - which I hope is in a few weeks. ----- Here's another response to that article: >Dear Diane: > I think this is a very good idea. I also would like to see a "bulleted" list >of "troubleshooting problems" in the pamphlet (similar to manuals for a >VCR or >answering device), so that people would have some idea of when to seek >professional (or self-) help. > Alice V. Graubart, LCSW > Oak Park, Illinois > Like, the screen won't light up, or there is no sound, lots of static..... love that idea! Why don't you make a stab at drafting such a list. Diane __________________________ >Diane, >A brief comment on the Glass Marriage Pendulum column > re: the reference to men >"seeing what needs to be done, and doing it". I can envision and am >beginning to witness with couples that men, when given mentoring and >cultural "permission" are beginning to engage their >rightful place with their children and to collaborate with their partner. >The implied criticism in Glass' comment on men leaves out the eventual >shift that wives/mothers will have to make when women finally get this >desired change in men as the "new partner". I'd like to see her forewarn >women that they may not welcome easily all that accompanies this desired >change. When one part of the system is changed, >we know that all parts will need to shift as well. As I've seen in >workshops that my wife and I have done in the SF Bay area when women have >wanted "feelings" from their men: "well, I want your feelings, but not >that one". >Robert Jupe, LMFT Orinda, CA. _____________ On the Ginsberg Reply to Gottman: >Dear Diane, > >Many thanks for the letter from Barry Ginsberg. Barry, it's a fantastic >help in clarifying the current debate, and in providing some relevant >references for further investigation. Incidentally, it will be very >helpful with the Marriage Counselling Unit we are working on at Australian >Catholic University. > >Diane, thanks again for providing this fantastic link with others >interested in smart marriages, and the constant update of information. >Dr Moira Eastman >Senior Lecturer, School of Arts and Sciences, >Australian Catholic University _____ >Hi Dianne > >I enjoyed reading Ginsberg's response to Gottman's Feb '98 article. I am >intrigued with Gottmans reccomendation as quoted by Ginsberg: > > "Gottman and his colleagues suggest that " the alternative to the >active listening model suggested by these analyses is a model of >gentleness, soothing, and de-escalation of negativity"(p.17). " > >In my experience, this is exactly what active listening does for many >couples - especially once they have learned to use it well. I am >wondering what others think? > >Rosanne "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 3 14:34:28 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 14:34:28 -0500 Subject: National Marriage Project: Cohabitation Report Message-ID: <199902031931.OAA16665@mail.his.com> The National Marriage Project Report is now available for free for single copies. Bulk copies avaialbe at cost ($1.50 per copy.) To request a copy or other project publications contact: The National Marriage Project, RUTGERS--The State University of New Jersey, 25 Bishop Place, New Brunswick, NJ 08901 (732) 932-2722 -or- marriage at rci.rutgers.edu Be sure to include your address and zip or country postal codes. David Popenoe and Barbara Whitehead will present at the July conference with updates and policy implications of this project and others. *************** Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage: A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research. OVERVIEW: A publication in the National Marriage Project's Next Generation Series, the report assesses current information and attitudes about cohabitation and its impact on marriage, families and young adults' life choices. Published in January 1999. 20 pp. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead COHABITATION IS REPLACING MARRIAGE AS THE FIRST LIVING TOGETHER EXPERIENCE FOR YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN. When blushing brides walk downthe aisle in the 90s, more than half have already lived together with a boyfriend. A careful review of the available social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. What's more, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend. Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose clear and present dangers for women and children. Specifically, the research indicates that: -Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage. -Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children. -Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and wellbeing than married couples. Many young people do not know the basic facts about cohabitation and its risks. Nor are parents, teachers, clergy and others who instruct the young in matters of sex, love and marriage well acquainted with the social science evidence. Therefore, one purpose of this paper is to report on the available research. A second purpose of this paper is to offer four principles to guide thinking on the question: "should we live together?" These principles may not be the last words on the subject but they are consistent with the available evidence and seem most likely to help never-married young adults avoid painful and damaging losses in their love lives and achieve satisfying and long-lasting relationships and marriage. 1. Consider not living together at all before marriage. Cohabitation appears not to be helpful and may be harmful as a try-out for marriage. There is no evidence that if you decide to cohabit before marriage you will have a stronger marriage than those who don't live together, and some evidence to suggest that if you live together before marriage, you are more likely to break up after marriage. Cohabitation is probably least harmful (though not necessarily helpful) when it is prenuptial--when both partners are definitely planning to marry, have formally announced their engagement and have picked a wedding date. 2. Do not make a habit of cohabiting. Be aware of the dangers of multiple living together experiences, both for your own sense of wellbeing and for your chances of establishing a strong lifelong partnership. Contrary to popular wisdom, you do not learn to have better relationships from multiple failed cohabiting relationships. In fact, multiple cohabiting is a strong predictor of the failure of future relationships. 3. Limit cohabitation to the shortest possible period of time. The longer you live together with a partner, the more likely it is that the low-commitment ethic of cohabitation will take hold, the opposite of what is required for a successful marriage. 4. Do not cohabit if children are involved. Children need and should have parents who are committed to staying together over the long term. Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents and the effects of breakup can be devastating and often long lasting. Moreoever, children living in cohabiting unions are at higher risk of sexual abuse and physical violence, including lethal violence, than are children living with married parents. Single copies available on request. Bulk copies available at cost. To request a copy of this report or other publications of the National Marriage Project, please contact us: The National Marriage Project, RUTGERS--The State University of New Jersey, 25 Bishop Place, New Brunswick, NJ 08901 (732) 932-2722 or marriage at rci.rutgers.edu Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 3 20:38:49 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 20:38:49 -0500 Subject: Teen Pregnancy - 2/3/99 Message-ID: <199902040135.UAA06971@mail.his.com> Lisa Rue will present a workshop on an educational program on teen abstinence "Friends First/Wait Program" at the Smart Marriages conference. This article helps define the issues. U.S. teen pregnancy? By Cheryl Wetzstein THE WASHINGTON TIMES Americans dither on the kind of pregnancy-prevention messages they want to send to teens, Europeans are in their second decade of saying young people should have "safe sex or no sex." Some U.S. reproductive health experts think the European model deserves a chance here. France, Germany and the Netherlands all enjoy lower rates of teen births, abortions and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) than American teens. Also, European teens typically start sexual activity later than American teens and have fewer sexual partners, says a report by Advocates for Youth (AFY). However, a quick review of U.S. media and health care policies shows that a European-style safe-sex message would hit numerous barriers here. A recent forum hosted by AFY, a reproductive health advocacy group, showed numerous European "safe sex" campaigns, several of which started in the 1980s. One TV ad showed a beautiful woman tossing a handsome man out of her bed when he refused to use a condom. Another showed a couple breaking off an embrace long enough to pull a classy-looking condom out of a pocket. Other commercials had such messages as, "I'll take something off if you put something on," "Your condom or mine?" or "Talk about contraception while your pants are still on." These messages, given throughout European schools and society with government and public support, create national expectations that if teens decide to become sexually active, they will protect themselves from unwanted pregnancy and disease. In Europe, needing an abortion is shameful because it's not deciding to have sex responsibly, experts told the AFY forum. In America, however, there are "contradictory" and "confused" norms and policies about teen sexuality, AFY President James Wagoner said in the group's report, "European Approaches to Adolescent Sexual Behavior and Responsibility." The U.S. entertainment industry often encourages sex, while a new federal policy says that teens should abstain from sex until marriage, said Mr. Wagoner. Meanwhile, 70 percent of U.S. 18-year-olds have had sexual intercourse, he said. "We cannot afford to ignore the needs of sexually active youth," Mr. Wagoner said. "Could the 'silver bullet' solution for the United States be mass-media campaigns like those in Europe that boast a single, consistent message -- 'safe sex or no sex'?" he asked. Focus on the Family, a traditional values group, has three words for this suggestion: non, nein and neen. The European model has led to "skyrocketing" rates of out-of-wedlock births and cohabitation because it "removes all links between sexual behavior and the institution of marriage," Focus on the Family said in a statement on the AFY report. Safe-sex messages have already been tried and failed in this country, the group said. The trend toward sexual abstinence until marriage is working, so "why would we want to replace an approach that is working with one that will take us in the wrong direction?" it asked. These policy arguments are far from over. However, a quick look at one successful European campaign -- the Netherlands' "Double Dutch" -- shows that it would not replicate easily in this country. The "Double Dutch" campaign urges girls to take oral contraceptives and boys to use condoms. By using both kinds of contraceptives, young people have "double" protection against pregnancy and STDs, says the AFY report. The first barrier "Double Dutch" would hit in the United States is the virtual blackout on condom ads on TV. The National Association of Broadcasters lifted a ban on contraceptive advertising in 1982, "yet most major networks still air no commercials or public health campaigns that deal with condoms, contraception or sexual risk reduction," AFY said in its report. Networks fear a public "backlash," the report explained. "All the major networks do not accept, as policy, condom advertising," concurred Jim Cowsert, brand manager for Durex, a condom company that started a teen-pregnancy prevention campaign with actress Jane Fonda in 1997. Mr. Cowsert said Durex ads have appeared on a few cable channels, such as MTV, but were restricted to evening hours. MTV has also created and aired its own public service announcements on condoms, but most teen-pregnancy prevention messages on TV are noncontroversial or promote abstinence, said Marisa Nightingale of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. When people ask for donated time for their public service announcements, they are likely to stick to messages "that won't stir up added controversy, she said. Even if American teens could get a "Double Dutch" message, they would have trouble obtaining the contraceptives, reproductive health experts said. In France, Germany and the Netherlands, most people have health insurance, and girls can get oral contraceptives without getting pelvic exams or their parents' permission. Condoms are also readily available, either in clinics for free, or in stores, restaurants and clubs for pennies. In America, 23 states and the District of Columbia explicitly allow teens to get contraceptives, and no state "explicitly mandates parental involvement" when teens seek contraceptive services, the Alan Guttmacher Institute (AGI) said. But teens still struggle with issues relating to confidentiality, transportation to doctor's offices or clinics, pelvic-exam requirements and substantial financial costs. Only 33 percent of private health plans pay for oral contraceptives, the AFY report said, and other experts say most teens would have to pay between $18 and $25 a month for them. For these and other reasons, teen use of oral contraceptives has dropped from 64 percent in 1982 to 44 percent in 1995, an AGI study found. Parental involvement in teen contraceptive use remains an active issue. Last year, House Republicans, led by Rep. Ernest Istook of Oklahoma, passed an amendment barring family planning clinics that get federal Title X funds from giving teens services without written parental consent or parental notification. This amendment died in the Senate but is likely to be revived this year, House aides said. Condoms are a popular contraceptive in the United States and are distributed free in thousands of clinics and other health services. But American teens still do not have the same easy access as do European teens. Condom vending machines --common in Europe -- are rare in America, said the AFY report. And condoms can be expensive, said Leslie Watson, who works with youth at the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Health. "Good ones" can cost $7 to $10 a box, she said. Despite these barriers, Miss Watson is one of many experts who thinks the European "safe-sex-or-no-sex" message "is one that we should be looking at closely." "We need to start testing some new methods and looking at new paradigms," she said. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Feb 4 18:05:29 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 18:05:29 -0500 Subject: Call for Family Supportive Tax Reform - 1/21/99 Message-ID: <199902042302.SAA18348@mail.his.com> "A Call for Family Supportive Tax Reform", a consensus statement released on January 21, 1999 by the Institute for American Values and signed by a prominent bi-partisan group of scholars and activists, urges the President and lawmakers to craft broadly based family-supportive tax policy. The current tax code thoughtlessly punishes two-career married couples by taxing them at higher rates than similar cohabiting couples. Our current tax code, the Call's signers argue, "not only fails to support marriage," but actually treats the marriage partnership less favorably" than other economic partnerships and is "unacceptable." The future health of our kids and our society demands taking a new look at the way in which government policy -- including tax policy -- undermines marriage as an institution. "A Call for Family-Supportive Tax Reform" may be downloaded from the Institute's website at www.americanvalues.org. Copies are also available free of charge from the Institute for American Values; 1841 Broadway, Suite 211; New York, New York 10023; Tel: (212) 246-3942; Fax: (212) 541-6665; Email: iav at worldnet.att.net *************** "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 5 09:45:12 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 09:45:12 -0500 Subject: Working Fewer Hours Doesn't Ensure Happy Marriage/Sotile -2/1/99 Message-ID: <199902051441.JAA21097@mail.his.com> Wayne and Mary Sotile will present two sessions at the Smart Marriages conference. USA TODAY? - MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1999 Working fewer hours doesn't ensure a happy marriage By Wayne M. Sotile and Mary O. Sotile The wild world of sports seems to be trying to tell us something about balancing work and family.? In the past month alone: -Coach Jimmy Johnson of the Miami Dolphins came close to quitting due to family stresses, then was lured back with he promise that a new assistant head coach would free him to spend more time with is aging father and his bride-to-be. -Minnesota Vikings coach Dennis Green found turning 50 with a new wife and two young children motivated him to re prioritize his life. -"Jordan Retires to Car pool" announced the end of the most storied sports career in history. - And, of course, Atlanta Falcons coach Dan Reeves' recovery from heart surgery reminds us there is nothing like a brush with death to underscore that the most important part of life is spending time with people you love. The less-is-more myth Stories like these, however, fuel the popular lore that working too many hours is the major threat to marriage and family harmony. That's an erroneous message, but one that appeals to a larger audience today than ever before.? We now have nearly 40 million two-income families in America.? Nearly a third of our workers take work home at least once each week, and 73% of those in larger offices do weekend work.? A recent five-year study found work to blame for stress at home. But statistics and headlines that imply that just working less leads to a happier life are misleading.? Our many years as marriage therapists suggest that, in truth, working fewer hours does not guarantee marriage and family health, nor does it assure the much-sought-after balanced life. One reason is our fast-moving lifestyle.? We thrive on change and on the challenge of juggling multiple roles, regardless of how much time we spend at work.? We continually shift from overinvolvement in one role to focusing on some relatively neglected part of our life.? Regardless of our occupation, our age or whether one or both mates work outside the home, true marriage and family health comes only if we avoid hurting our relationships as we try to balance all of our roles. Getting it all There also is the self-absorption that comes from our quest for the perfect body, mind, spirit and relationship.? As noble as our intentions may be, the stress that comes when we rush to get it all can drive the fun and romance out of our relationships. The many ways busyness can hurt our relationships are sobering.? We grow accustomed, for example, to doing and thinking many things at once.? Have you ever found yourself eating a bagel while reading the newspaper, listening to the news and having "quality time" with loved ones? We are competitive, perfectionists and controlling out of habit, even when we are supposedly having a relaxing time.? Have you ever blurted out driving instructions from the passenger seat, even though you knew that would chill an otherwise enjoyable date? We justify our irritability with thoughts such as, "This isn't really me treating my loved ones poorly; I'm really a caring person.? This is just me struggling to recuperate from another grueling day.? The real me will show up later." Our sports heroes are calling attention to an indisputable fact:? Excessive work can take its toll on family life.? Cutting back on the sheer number of work hours may, indeed, prove to be a necessary part of the ongoing revolution to create healthier families. But working less will not suffice.? No matter how balanced our roles, we must pay attention to how we treat each other. Only then can we -- and those we love -- have a real chance to be happy. Motivational speakers Wayne and Mary Sotile are co-authors of Supercouple Syndrome: How Overworked Couples Can Beat Stress Together (John Wiley & Sons, 1998). "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 5 12:23:03 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 12:23:03 -0500 Subject: Is your spouse hurting your heart? -1/26/99 Message-ID: <199902051719.MAA07783@mail.his.com> Is your spouse hurting your heart? Study: a controlling partner may cause your blood pressure to soar MSNBC STAFF AND WIRE REPORTS Jan. 26 ? Couples plagued by routine marital strife are undoubtedly in an unhealthy situation. And now a study has documented just how detrimental that squabbling can be. Researchers at the University of Utah found that people whose spouses are particularly dominant or controlling experience blood pressure hikes that may raise their risk of heart disease. Research has shown that couples who have been taught fair-fighting skills have smaller increases in blood pressure when they argue. IN THE STUDY, published in the current issue of the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, researchers hooked 45 young couples up to blood-pressure monitors and asked them to argue opposing positions on a given topic ? how to carry out large teaching staff cuts at a hypothetical local school. Participants also completed questionnaires about their marital relationship. Results showed that arguing with a partner who was perceived as dominant was associated with larger increases in blood pressure than arguing with a spouse considered to be more submissive, reported lead author Timothy W. Smith, chairman of the psychology department at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. Smith said people whose partners are particularly controlling are at greatest risk. ?They are certainly experiencing the greatest cardiovascular stress,? he said. Husbands or wives who perceived their spouses as submissive tended to have the smallest increase in blood pressure during arguments, according to the report. A FAIR FIGHT What can be done to improve the situation? Smith suggests that combative couples get help to learn how to argue more fairly. Research has shown that couples who have been taught fair-fighting skills have smaller increases in blood pressure when they argue, he said. ?For example, they learn not to demean or belittle the other person?s opinions and not to attack their character,? Smith explained. ?They also learn not to attribute malicious intent to their opponent. They are taught to clearly and effectively express their own feelings about something and to make sure to express an understanding of the other person?s point of view before moving on to explaining their own.? An expert in marital relations said the study results aren?t surprising. Researchers have been looking into the role of emotions as an influence on hypertension since the 1950s, said Dr. Dave M. Davis, director of the Piedmont Psychiatric Clinic in Atlanta. ?It?s pretty well accepted that anger has something to do with hypertension,? he said. On the other hand, being nice also has health effects, Davis said. For example, one researcher asked a group of men to take the time to kiss their wives good-bye in the morning and as a greeting in the evening. The result? Their blood pressure dropped, Davis said. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 6 15:33:55 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 15:33:55 -0500 Subject: radio/cohabitation/requests for info/misc - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902062030.PAA22830@mail.his.com> Wayne and Mary Sotile will be on WCNN national radio Monday, 2/8, at approximately 9:15 Eastern time, discussing the implications of "Supercouple Syndrome" for work/family balancing issues. And we all know that's one of the challenges that all couples face these days, one income, or two. - diane ___________________ David Popenoe, Diane Sollee and others have been interviewed for a spot on NPR Morning Edition to air sometime week of Feb 8th on the cohabitation report just issued by Popenoe/ Whitehead and the National Marriage Project, "Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage: A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research" We'll soon have the full cohabitation report posted on the cmfce web page and you'll be able to download from there. In the meantime, for a free printed copy email: marriage at rci.rutgers.edu Be sure to include your address and zip or country postal codes. It has been a surprisingly controversial "research summary." That's because it surprises people to hear that cohabitation doesn't protect against divorce - which is understandably upsetting NEWS to lots of people. Cohabitation is the only thing most young couples (and old couples! and parents!) can think of that might slow the divorce epidemic - "try things out" first to avoid marriage mistakes/mismatches. Imagine the universal discouragement that's hitting the fan as people are confronted with the statistics and discover that this well meaning experiment isn't helping! Cohabitation isn't an effective preventive strategy! Test driving the car isn't preventing highway fatalities. The same people are amazed to hear that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages. We think everyone knows this by now, but most people just can't believe it. It's so counter intuitive - it just seems obvious that people would learn from their mistakes in a failed first marriage, and do better next time around. That's like saying if you lose a football game you'll win the next one -- to which I say, only if you learn some skills, some new pass plays, before you go back on the field. There is hope, and it's up to us to get the good news out to couples that there is lots that couples can do to improve their odds. They can get smart about this whole marriage/family business. ___________________ >Diane >I get a lot of requests for statistics on the following topics, but I don't >know if there are studies out there. Are there? > >1. Inter-religious marriages >2. Interracial marriages >3. International marriages >4. Divorce rates broken down by religion. > >I know that the raw data exists for interracial and international divorces, >because race and birthplace are collected on the vital statistics forms >submitted with every divorce decree. > >I have heard claims made about all these topics, which leads me to think >perhaps they are based on something. But what? > >All I have found about international marriages (and interracial, sort of) >is a news story saying Chinese in Shanghai are more likely to divorce if >they marry a foreigner. > >This is the latest of many requests I have gotten: >---------------- >>Date: Mon, 1 Feb 1999 20:43:45 EST >> >>I am looking to find information on the divorce rate among interfaith >>marriages (specifically Catholic and Protestant) and intercultural marriages >>(especially WASP and Hispanic). Could you help me locate this information? >Thanks, John Crouch ( I'd start by directing this inquiry to Barbara Markey at Creighton Univ who will present her comprehensive research on all of the above including interfaith couples at the July conference. Reach her at bmarkey at omahaflo.creighton.edu - Diane) ________________________________________________________ >My advisor and I are interested in identifying a measure of "respect for >diversity" to give to adolescents in families where divorce has occurred. >This measure would gauge the adolescents' tolerance for diversity in a >broad sense including concepts like the acceptance of new ideas and >different values, level of flexibility, and the ability to see things from >various perspectives. We have not had any luck finding scales that tap >this construct and were wondering if anyone was aware of any that exist. >Please respond directly to me at lucindas at ag.arizona.edu. If other people >are interested in this >information, I would be happy to compile what I learn and post it back to >the Network. Thanks! > >Lucinda S. Richmond (that's a great "rhetorical measure" - if it does nothing but let adolescents know that you are measuring their level of ability to tolerate difference as a measure of maturity it has to improve things, especially in remarried families. Might also let the adults know you're measuring them on the same abilities. Please share what you come up with with this list. -Diane) __________________ This was reply to a request for information about what you get in the Relationship Enhancement Training Pre conference institute at the July Smart Smart Marriages conference. Thought it interesting enough to share with the list. This is Wed & Thursday, June 30 & July 1. Limited enrollment, brochures w/ registration forms should reach you by the first week of March. >To: Dianne Prescott > >I am responding to your inquiry to the Smart Marriages Conference about >the 2-day Leader's training in the Relationship Enhancement Program. > >The 2-day workshop is designed to give participants comprehensive >preparation, and authorization, to lead Relationship Enhancement >groups. The workshop will cover the fundamentals about the Relationship >Enhancement Program and show how each skill is taught and demonstrated >to couples. There will also be frequent opportunity for participants to >themselves practice what the workshop leaders model by breaking up into >triads and on a rotating basis practice being a workshop leader. >Participants will receive supervision and feedback on their efforts. > >All participants in the workshop will receive a Relationship Enhancement >Program Leader's Manual and a packet of supplementary materials. > >Participants will also be able to purchase an audio tape that can be >used for demonstration purposes, as well as Participant and Auxiliary >Manuals that can either be given or resold to couples. > >The Relationship Enhancement Program is one of the oldest and >best-researched psycho-educational couples/family program in existence. >Indeed, the research demonstrates that RE is the most effective >psycho-educational program in terms of improved relationship >satisfaction. > >We would love to have you attend our workshop on June 30-July 1. > >If I can be of any further assistance, or answer any additional >questions, please email me or feel to call: 301-279-7404. > >Best regards, > >Rob Scuka, Ph.D., M.S.W., LCSW-C >Director of Couples Programs and Certifed Relationship Enhancement >Trainer _________________________________> And here is a post off the Divorce Busting web site (www.divorcebusting.com) of Michele Weiner-Davis, just to keep us all inspired: >DEAR MICHELE, >I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND LEFT A MONTH AGO BUT LAST NITE HE CAME >BACK AND IS MOVING HOME TODAY> WE HAVE SOME THINGS TO WORK ON. AND YES HE >CAME >BACK TO BE WITH ME. I AM DONE READING DB AND HE IS READING IT. WE HAVE >LEARNED >SO MUCH FROM YOUR BOOK I WILL KEEP THIS BOOK CLOSE SO THINGS DON`T GO THIS >FAR >AGAIN. THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO WRITE ME AND GAVE ME ADVISE. I HOPE YA`LL >CAN >GET TO WERE U NEED TO BE IN YOUR MARRIAGE THANKS SO MUCH FOR OPENING MY >EYES!!!! 15 YEARS AND GOING TERRIE > "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 6 21:11:22 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 6 Feb 1999 21:11:22 -0500 Subject: Colorado Covenant watered down - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902070207.VAA25615@mail.his.com> Panel OKs 'covenant marriage' Watered-down version only suggests couples seek out counseling By Dan Luzadder News Capitol Bureau / February 5, 1999 A watered-down version of the proposed "covenant marriage" bill cleared the House Judiciary Committee Thursday, but it no longer restricts no-fault divorces. Rep. Mark Paschall, R-Arvada, the bill's sponsor, agreed to replace most of the original language with what amounts to a "suggestion" that couples seek counseling before marriage. The reworded proposal declares that couples should consider marriage a lifelong commitment, and agree to "mediation and arbitration" when things are not going well. The original bill would have offered couples seeking a marriage license the option of a covenant marriage, a legally binding contract that required counseling, and stipulated the grounds on which one spouse could seek a divorce. Those grounds included adultery, alcohol or drug abuse, child abuse, commission of a felony and physical or sexual abuse. Violating those restrictions could have affected property settlements in a divorce. Even supporters of that bill said there were concerned about provisions that required counseling -- even when there was evidence of domestic abuse. The modified version, which removed all of those provisions, passed the Judiciary Committee on an 8-5 vote and was sent to the full House for debate. But Rep. Marcy Morrison, R-Manitou Springs, still quarreled with the bill's intent. "I hear from my constituents all the time, 'stay out of my bedroom, stay out of my house,"' she said. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Feb 7 18:49:37 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sun, 7 Feb 1999 18:49:37 -0500 Subject: intermarriage/Marketchat/Chile/affairs/conf/requests-1/99 Message-ID: <199902072346.SAA16548@mail.his.com> Diane: In answer to some of the queries that have come in, perhaps the best single source of information on intermarriages is Matthijs Kalmijn, "Intermarriage and Homogamy: Causes, Patterns, Trends" In Annual Review of Sociology, Vol. 24, 1998: pp. 395-421. It can be downloaded from the net at http://social.annualreviews.org. -David Popenoe ---------------- Dick Anderson, president of AdVentures, will present three sessions on marketing at the Smart Marriages July conference. In 1998 he introduced MarketChat, a free on-line chat room, in response to an interest expressed by marketing workshop attendees to have a place to exchange marketing ideas. MarketChat's format was recently upgraded from a live chat room to an interactive message board. It still functions as a place where professionals can meet others in their field to exchange marketing information. And it still at the same address - www.advenweb.com/marketchat.html. However it is no longer dependent on having other's on line when you drop in. You simply leave your message, hot ideas, or questions and others respond or comment as they have time to visit. This is an invaluable FREE service as we try to figure out why, with all the misery and divorce, it's such a challenge to get people to take classes. I hope you'll use it as a testing arena to get reactions to your marketing ideas - an on-line focus group! Please, any of you who use it and get helpful ideas, copy them to me and I'll pass them on to the CMFCE list, and maybe we can get the all of CMFCE using MarketChat and really do something with it. Anderson and practice development consultant Linda Lawless (Smart Marriages Marketing Institute co-presenters), visit MarketChat regularly to monitor questions and offer their opinions when appropriate - more FREE advice! They invite you to bring samples of your brochures, logos, etc to the institute for free analysis. They'll also have a booth at the conference for this purpose. A FREE quarterly newsletter summary of MarketChat is also available by e-mail request at advennet at aolcom You can't beat that! _diane sollee ------------------------ Diane, Does anybody have any information whether there are any studies done on effectiveness, problems, concerns regarding a 50/50 type of shared placement in child custody matters. Especially where school years are alternated. We would appreciate any information that you may have with local jurisdictions approving such arrangements and direction to articles on the subject. ______________________ A co-worker mentioned to me that he had read some where that those working in the computer industry were listed 3rd highest in the divorce statistics. I've not been able to find any data to substantiate his claim. Can you point me to any statistics regarding divorce rates as a function of professional background? Regards, Ron Anyone?? ________________________ Dec 29, 1998 NEW BISHOP OF VALPARAISO AFFIRMS THAT LEGALIZING DIVORCE IN CHILE IS "CONTRARY TO THE TRUE GOOD OF THE NATION" Santiago, 29 (NE) In a participated Eucharistic celebration, the Catholic people of Valparaiso welcomed this week their new Bishop, Gonzalo Duarte Garcia de Cortazar. Addressing all the Catholics of Valparaiso, Bishop Duarte manifested his happiness upon beginning his work serving the Church as the Pastor of the diocese. During his homily, the Prelate commented on the topic of the family also pointing out that "Marriage and the family are subjects of major tensions and crisis, derived mainly from sin, which affects us all". In spite of this, he reminded us that the family "is way of the Church and is the greatest gift of God to each one of his sons". Likewise, the Bishop of Valparaiso asserted his opposition to the bill in process that would legalize divorce, pointing out that "we find ourselves before a project that favors the wide use of divorce and is consequently contrary to the true good of the nation". ________________ this from a California brochure - sharing it just for the phrase "fluid family structure of the 90's"..... Strengthening Step-families tackles the traumas and opportunities of the fluid family structure of the '90s, including the remolding, reshaping and repopulating of family units through divorce and remarriage. Participants will discover the potential joys and opportunities of their new families as Strengthening Step-families teaches the skills that help children and teens adjust to their changed family and help pinpoint the developmental stages in the step-family. Strengthening Step-families is taught in a five-week, two-hours per-session format. The course will be offered throughout the year at the Cultural Center. ...from Antelope Valley Press News, January 4, 1999. ___________________ I am working with individuals and couples who speak both English and Japanese. If there is anyone who is also using two languages, please contact me. I would like to share some ideas on my observations in this unique setting. Ron Hankins Hankins at try-net.or.jp __________________ For information on the 6th International Family Violence Research Conference July 25th - July 28th New England Conference Center and Hotel, Durham NH consult the web site: http://www.unh.edu/frl/conf99home.htm __________________________ Dear members and friends of Americans for Divorce Reform: The Midyear Conference of the National Lawyers' Association will include a 3-hour session on Family Law Reform and Covenant Marriage on the morning of Saturday, Feb. 13. Panelists include Prof. Lynn Wardle of the Brigham Young University Law School, Len Munsil of the Center for Arizona Policy, NLA Family Law Section Chair Kevin Senich, and John Crouch, Executive Director of Americans for Divorce Reform. The conference will be held in Chandler, Arizona (near Phoenix) at the Sheraton San Marcos resort. Arizona is the second state to pass Covenant Marriage legislation. This is the annual midyear meeting of the NLA, formed as an alternative to the ABA. As with the ABA, the summer annual meeting is longer than the midyear, with a lot more programs. To register or get more information, call the National Lawyers Association at 1-800-471-2994. For more information on the NLA, their web site is http://www.nla.org Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 8 23:43:13 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 23:43:13 -0500 Subject: Wrld Marriage Day/marital happiness measures/requests/ - Message-ID: <199902090439.XAA11398@mail.his.com> Hundreds Renew Marriage Vows At Special Mass feb/8/99 Los Angeles Times Hundreds of couples gathered Sunday at St. John Baptist de la Salle Church in Granada Hills to renew their wedding vows before Cardinal Roger M. Mahony. The special Mass was celebrated to mark World Marriage Day 1999, a day honoring all married couples throughout the United States and in many countries around the world. World Marriage Day is celebrated each year in February and most often on Valentine's Day, said Joan Vienna, director of the Office of Family Life of the Los Angeles Archdiocese, which has hosted celebrations for the past 28 years in the five pastoral regions that make up the archdiocese. Mahony presided over the worship service, during which the couples received a commemorative ribbon and certificate. They were later feted at a reception in the church courtyard. "There are many who say it is impossible to live in a committed relationship with the same person for 10 years, five years, or even two months," Mahony said, getting a huge laugh from the congregation. "But you are proof that it is possible." __________________ Would anyone happen to have the full citation for the statistics appearing in this article? Thank you, Chip Partridge >USA SNAPSHOTS >"A look at statistics that shape the nation" -USA Today 4/13/98 > >Youg adults' priorities >What Americans ages 18-34 say are their highest priorities for life and >the precentage point change from 1989: > >Priority % Today (change since 1989) > >1) Close-knit family 83% (+15%) !! >2) Job/career 68% (-4%) >3) Financial success 57% (+6%) >4) Job that helps people 44% (NA) >5) Religious involvement 42% (+4%) >6) Helping community 33% (+9%) > > >(Percentages rating these priorities 9 or 10 on a sclae of 1-10) _________________________ this thread is running on the Family Sci list....thought some of you might like to listen in: >You asked for a short tool to assess likelihood of marital happiness or >divorce, particularly related to new marriages expecting their first child From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 9 15:18:43 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 15:18:43 -0500 Subject: replies & Resending marital happiness thread -2/99 Message-ID: <199902092015.PAA05380@mail.his.com> >Diane, > > I am replying on behalf of Drs. Michael Lawler and Barbara Markey >of the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University to recent >inquiries you have received about "inter-religious" marriages and "divorce >rates by religion." Rates of inter-religious or interfaith marriage, as >well as divorce rates by religion, are hard to determine because >government agencies do not record the religious affiliation of individuals >who marriage or divorce. Recent scholarly sources indicate that religious >heterogamy has increased over recent decades and can no longer be >understood simply in terms of Protestant/Catholic or Jewish/Christian >marriages. The Center for Marriage and Family is currently completing a >three-year study on interchurch marriages, that is, marriages in which >both spouses identify with a different Christian denomination. A report >of our findings, based on a national survey of both interchurch and >same-church respondents, will be available soon. > >Gail S. Risch >Center for Marriage and Family >Creighton University > Yes, this research will be presented at the Smart Marriages conference in a workshopon interfaith marriages. -Diane ___________________________________________________ >> On the Colorado Covenent "watered down" article: >> The modified version, which removed all of those provisions, passed the >> Judiciary Committee on an 8-5 vote and was sent to the full House for >> debate. >> >> But Rep. Marcy Morrison, R-Manitou Springs, still quarreled with the >> bill's intent. >> >> "I hear from my constituents all the time, 'stay out of my bedroom, stay >> out of my house,"' she said. >Lee sez: The law cannot 'stay out' of a persons' house...if they have >illegal drugs, a search may be done at any time. A tax return is required >every year...people must obey the law. Privacy is not any shield for >illegal behaviour, whether it is assaulting a wife, or not insuring that >the couples' marriage will work...this IS the states' responsibility. >Who do these people think they are? They have to obey orders >AND the law at the job site, they must do the same at home. > Lee C. W. Hutchison II. I'm told the following didn't get through....that it was chopped off, so will send it again: this thread is running on the Family Sci list....thought some of you might like to listen in: >You asked for a short tool to assess likelihood of marital happiness or >divorce, particularly related to new marriages expecting their first child From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 9 19:29:10 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 9 Feb 1999 19:29:10 -0500 Subject: Trying to resend cut-off thread - how annoying! -2/9/99 Message-ID: <199902100025.TAA15887@mail.his.com> I'm told the following didn't get through....that it was chopped off, so will send it again: this thread is running on the Family Sci list....thought some of you might like to listen in: >You asked for a short tool to assess likelihood of marital happiness or >divorce, particularly related to new marriages expecting their first child From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 10 23:50:57 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 23:50:57 -0500 Subject: Looking for Love in the 21st Century? New Survey Finds... Message-ID: <199902110447.XAA14549@mail.his.com> interesting article... Looking for Love in the 21st Century? New Survey Finds... Wed, 10 Feb 1999 Looking for Love in the 21st Century? New Survey Finds Guys Will Still Feel the Price of Romance EMMAUS, Pa., Feb. 10 /PRNewswire/ -- If guys think that finding true love in the next century is going to be easier on their wallets, a new survey finds they may not want to cancel that credit card too soon. But, the survey also finds that while guys may have to pay for everything from dinner to flowers, they may be surprised at what the object of their affection is wearing when they arrive at her doorstep. The nationwide survey of adults, conducted for Men's Health magazine by ORC International, finds that in the 21st Century, most adults expect that men will pay for items such as sending flowers (73%), buying dinner (69%) or splurging on romantic getaways (66%) with majorities of both men and women stating as such. Additionally, the survey finds that men will still have to dig into their pockets for items such as movie or concert tickets, with slightly more than half (51%) expecting this to be the normal practice in relationships. Just how will women be spending their money to keep relationships hot in the new millennium? According to the survey, more than half of women (61%) expect they will pay for sexy undergarments to keep the flames of passion going. The Men's Health survey also finds that women will do more than just wear sexy lingerie to get their man's attention. They also expect to be just as willing to take the lead when it comes to sexual relations. According to the findings, while nearly two-thirds of adults (63%) believe that men are most likely to initiate sexual relations in today's world, in the next century 48% believe that women with either initiate (24%) or be as likely to initiate (24%) sex as a man. "Romance probably won't be any cheaper for most guys in the new millennium, but at least they won't always have to make the first move with their mate," says Mike Lafavore, Editor-in-Chief for Men's Health magazine. The survey reports that in today's world, guys are most likely to pay for most elements of a romance with men expected to cover the costs for sending flowers (85%), buying dinner (84%), paying for a romantic getaway (80%), and, buying tickets for movies or concerts (64%). "The good news for guys is that fewer of them will have to pay for everything in a relationship," says Lafavore. "The bad news is most guys will still have to keep their credit cards handy." Don't expect me to get that door for you. While guys will most likely still pick up the tab for dinner in the next century, women shouldn't be surprised if guys are less willing to go out of their way to help them into their chair. According to the survey, most adults believe that fewer men will be very likely to open a car door for women (23%), hang up a women's coat (23%), pull out a chair for a woman (22%), or give up their seat on a bus or subway (18%). "While we don't expect chivalry to die, it may only be practiced by Jedi Knights in the next century," states Lafavore. "Women don't expect it, and guys don't know the rules anymore." Just how will guys meet their mates in the coming century? According to the survey, most adults believe that friends or family (48%) will be the most likely way for people to meet their mates. Other popular ways will include through religious or church activities (40%); online (32%) via the Internet; at the office (32%); at health clubs (27%); and at the local tavern, with 26% of those surveyed stating this to be the most likely way people will find their true love. However, dating services will lose their charm in the coming years, with only 16% of adults saying that people will likely find romance with this method. What will make relationships successful in the years ahead? Once adults find their mates and take that long walk down the aisle, they're not quite sure what it will take to make a relationship work over the long haul. According to the survey, slightly less than half of adults (44%) believe that one spouse staying at home with the children will be very important to having a successful relationship in the 21st Century. This is especially true among older adults with 50% of those aged 55 and over stating as such compared to only 41% of those under 55 saying this to be very important. However, almost as many adults (43%) believe that both spouses having a career will make for successful relationships in the next century. Again, while one- third (34%) of those age 55 and older believe this to be very important to relationships in the next century, almost half (46%) of those under age 55 believe that a dual-career couple is central to a relationship's success. Only one-fifth (22%) of adults surveyed state that the key for successful relationships will be for one spouse to be the primary breadwinner. Similarly, among those age 55 and older nearly one-third (32%) believe this to be very important compared to 19% of those under age 55 who state as such. Whether or not both spouses have careers, they will be taking vacations together in the coming century. According to the survey, only 15% of those questioned believe that each spouse should take a personal getaway without the other for their relationship to be successful. Finally, while the key to successful relationships in the coming century may change, the survey finds that men and women still see themselves as being rather distant from each other. According to the findings, almost half (48%) describe the gap between men and women in the next century as "No larger than the distance between New York City and Los Angeles." Another 18% see the distance more in terms of being a "galaxy far, far away." "No matter who ends up paying for things in the coming century, men and women still view each other as living in different worlds," says Lafavore. "Somebody is going to have to pay for that gap to close, and my bet is it will come out of the guy's wallet." The Men's Health survey on Relationships in the 21st Century was conducted by Opinion Research Corporation International. The survey is based on a nationwide telephone survey of 1,012 adults aged 18 and older during the period of January 28-31. The margin of error one might reasonably expect from a sample this size is +/- 3 percentage points. In addition to sampling error, question wording and the practical difficulties of conducting survey research can introduce bias into the results of survey questions. Men's Health magazine, with a circulation of 1,525,000, is the magazine most relevant to the lives of today's active man. It is a publication of Rodale Press. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Feb 11 18:02:52 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Thu, 11 Feb 1999 18:02:52 -0500 Subject: Divorce Reform update from John Crouch - 2/11/99 Message-ID: <199902112259.RAA28821@mail.his.com> This Update from John Crouch of Americans for Divorce Reform: Bills have been introduced in the Montana, Virginia and New Mexico legislatures to allow no-fault divorce only when both spouses consent to it, at least when there are children. Covenant Marriage and Community Marriage Policies are also making progress. Legislators are trying to counteract "Marriage Penalties" in state tax law, as well as in the federal Tax Code. More information on all these proposals will soon be available on the Americans for Divorce Reform web site, http://www.divorcereform.org The Montana bill is especially interesting. For divorce based on an "irretrieveable breakdown", it requires either a separation by mutual consent, or fault. It requires that "The court shall consider the best interest of the child or children of the marriage as the primary consideration" in determining whether there is an irretrieveable breakdown. A Colorado house committee passed Covenant Marriage in a form that has been described as "watered down", with protections from divorce reportedly removed, and counseling requirements rewritten as suggestions. Covenant Marriage also passed in committee in Virginia, but was defeated 46-54 in the full House. Utah and Minnesota have had bills introduced to counteract "Marriage Penalties" in state income taxes. They can be found at http://www.revisor.leg.state.mn.us/cgi-bin/bldbill.pl?bill=H0267.0&session= ls81 and http://www.le.state.ut.us/~1999/htmdoc/hbillhtm/HB0173.htm Non-governmental Community Marriage Policies are spreading, and have been endorsed by a handful of governors and other poblic officials. Marriage Savers, the group that has been started recently to promote and maintain the policies, announced the 100th Community Marriage Policy earlier this week. Premarital counseling bills have been introduced in Utah and New Mexico. Utah's is at http://www.le.state.ut.us/~1999/htmdoc/hbillhtm/HB0058.htm ___________ John Crouch Americans for Divorce Reform: http://www.divorcereform.org Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 12 12:37:09 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 12:37:09 -0500 Subject: Tech Support Request "Uninstall Wife 1.0" - Message-ID: <199902121733.MAA05939@mail.his.com> I've received this from all over the world, but maybe some of you haven't seen it. It's definitely making the rounds. > Dear Diane, Thanks for keeping us posted on the current events of family and marriage. Here is a "funny" that I thought the group might enjoy. June Seat, Fukuoka, Japan > > Tech Support Request > > Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the > new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of > space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was > included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs > itself into all other programs and launches during system > initialization where it monitors all other system activity. > Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, > crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife > 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 > but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? > > - Jonathan Powell > > Dear Jonathan Powell- > This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to > a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to > Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & > ENTERTAINMENT" program. > > Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run > everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the > program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife > 1.0 can be disasterious. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or > floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy > valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 > because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to > install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than > the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings- > Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the > background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects > Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non- > recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download simular > products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have > become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and > just deal with the situation. > > Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the > entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must > assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. > The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset > button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as > you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is > very high maintenance. > > Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 > -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD > -Frequently use Communicator 5.0 > "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 12 12:37:12 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 12:37:12 -0500 Subject: 700 CLUB features Smart Marriages & Community Marriage Policies Message-ID: <199902121733.MAA05964@mail.his.com> The 700 Club this morning did a great piece on Smart Marriages and on Community Marriage Covenants. It opened with a piece on Mike & Harriet McManus launching the 100th Community Marriage Policy in Culpeper Virginia. It followed with footage from the July 1998 Smart Marriages conference and featured two couples, one from Culpeper of Newlyweds who had spent six months preparing for their marriage, and a couple in Baltimore who had taken a PAIRS weekend after their marriage went cold (-after nine years of marriage and three kids.) They said in the Pairs weekend they learned skills that helped them get the love and hope back and they were trying to get all their friends to take a course - the husband is a fireman and it showed him at the firehouse talking to his co-workers. Lori Gordon as founder of PAIRS was also featured and they also showed a variety of workshops at the conference - footage included Sherod and Phyllis Miller, Scott Stanley, and George Doub. They prominently featured the www.smartmarriages.com web site and they offered to send a free fact sheet on Divorce Proofing your marriage to callers that will also include resources and the web site. The show will be repeated tonight on the FOX FAMILY CHANNEL AT 11pm. Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 12 14:22:04 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 14:22:04 -0500 Subject: Should We Live Together now available on web site - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902121918.OAA16313@mail.his.com> The recently released cohabitation report with bibliography is now available on the CMFCE web site at www.smartmarriages.com Go to the Articles & Information page and you'll find it as the last entry on the first section. Or access the report directly at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/cohabit.html ************** SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead THE NATIONAL MARRIAGE PROJECT The Next Generation Series For more information or additional copies of this publication, contact: The National Marriage Project Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey 25 Bishop Place New Brunswick, NJ 08901-1181 (732) 932-2722 marriage at rci.rutgers.edu "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 12 22:22:15 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 22:22:15 -0500 Subject: Pat Love on JAMA Sex Survey results - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902130318.WAA16005@mail.his.com> Pat Love, author of Hot Monogamy, was featured on several shows this week (Today, MSNBC, etc) as a commentator on the Sex Survey released in Journal of the American Medical Association on the high incidence of sexual problems in the US. This some of what she's saying on the shows. ******* The results are important because they reflect the experience of a significant portion of our population. In a culture in which television, magazines, movies and other media portray individuals having lots of sex and always perfect, it's validating to know that isn't the case for more than an isolated few. Important points: Sexual difficulties can be a symptom of the onset of illness, therefore a consultation with a primary care physician may be warranted. (not all physicians are apprised of sexual issues, you may have to shop around) Any activity- such as stress, medication, smoking, hostility-which constricts the blood vessels, can lower libido and cause arousal and sexual desire difficulties. Many sexual difficulties are lifestyle related. Medications are famous for lowering libido. Selected antidepressants, antihistamines, some hormones, and conceivably any across the counter medication that says "may cause drowsiness" can affect your sex life. In addition, since Dr. Barbara Sherwin's l990 study showing the correlation between female libido and testosterone, we know that the extent to which women (and men) have testosterone, they will have libido, i.e. the physical urge to engage in sex. There are millions of low-T men and women. For this group it is normal to have little physical drive. However we know that there are two main pathways to sexual desire: psychogenic and autogenic. This means if you just don't naturally walk around with sexual energy, you can use your mind (the ultimate sex machine) to create sexual desire. Basically all you need is the desire to desire to be a great sex partner. I don't mean to oversimplify but this study brings out the fact that many of us have to be proactive to create the sex life we long for. I know this is a foreign concept. It is also complicated by the fact that early attraction and the infatuation stage give us this "natural high" induced by Nature's love potion (PEA-phenyethylamine, et al.), and during this time even the low-T person has heightened libido. This leads one to believe it will always be this way, but after a few months the PEA wears off and the person goes back to "normal," which for the low-T, is little or no libido. This causes a lot of confusion and conflict in relationships. The groups in the study which seemed to have the lowest libido were older men and younger single women. The older men make sense and can likely be explained by lifestyle, habits (smoking is the biggest culprit), medication and lowered hormone levels. The younger women could be reflecting testosterone levels (low-T is usually a phenomenon throughout the lifecycle). Even though there are millions of low-T men, there are more low-T women. In all of nature it is generally the female that is slow to respond sexually. I think the important fact to remember is 99% of all sexual difficulties can be alleviated and education, skills and knowledge are a major part of the solution. It's exciting that we have new information during this decade that makes sex education even more helpful and powerful. I believe we have gone about sex education backwards in this country, i.e. only focusing on children and teens. I believe when adults are educated, children will be educated. Most of us told our children most everything we knew about sex--and it was precious little! Now there have been enough new discoveries (e.g. all the info coming from the DNA analysis moving to crack the gene code) to warrant a movement toward better educating adults. This would be a creative solution to the debate about teaching sex in schools. Through adult sex ed we could increase the probability our kids would be safer and make more informed decisions. I say we need a PBS series on the subject. Am I volunteering? YOU BET! Pat will present a training institute and a workshop on the Hot Monogamy program at the Smart Marriages conference. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 13 01:43:57 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 01:43:57 -0500 Subject: Divorce Map of the US Message-ID: <199902130640.BAA07942@mail.his.com> The article at the URL below includes a large map showing, not _divorce rates_, but the _divorced people_ per capita in every COUNTY in the U.S., with red for 10%+, green for 8-9.9%, and yellow for under 8%. The results are very different from state divorce rates -- everything from S.C. to NY is low divorce, as are the north central states, La., Miss., Utah and West Texas. http://www.sciam.com/1999/0399issue/0399numbers.html - check it out it's fun to look at the pattern and try to figure out what in the world is going on....migration rates as the article hypothesizes? ....when you get divorced you move to California? Or Maine? Or Northern Minnesota? I don't know.....diane Here's the article that goes with the site: Divorce, American-Style Scientific American, March, 1999 SOURCE: Estimates based on 1990 Census data by county and 1997 Bureau of Census data for the U.S. Because the method of estimation is subject to substantial error, data for individual counties may not be accurately coded; however, the broad regional patterns are believed to convey an accurate pattern. The late social scientist Jessie Bernard of Pennsylvania State University once observed that "there are two marriages in every marital union, his and hers. And his is better than hers." The growing awareness of this particular perspective among women most likely contributed to the dramatic rise in divorce rates in the 1960s and 1970s, along with urbanization, the growing role of women in the workforce and more liberal divorce laws. But why is the U.S. the world leader in divorce? A possible explanation lies in the restlessness of Americans, who are far more apt to migrate than, say, Europeans. Those who move, particularly a long distance, may be more likely to divorce because the inhibitions of traditional family and community ties have been left behind. Divorce has colonial roots, too: Puritan courts granted divorces, and disgruntled husbands and wives often simply abandoned their spouses. The map shows the estimated proportion of Americans 18 and older who were divorced as of March 1997. The reasons for the marked regional disparities are not definitively known, but they probably reflect several factors, including church membership, which may reinforce marriage ties. Not surprisingly, therefore, Florida and most of the western states, where church membership is low, have a higher proportion of divorced people. Migration may contribute to the high proportion of divorced people in the West and Florida, which have a larger proportion of peripatetic individuals than other areas have. The broad swath of counties stretching from North Dakota and Wisconsin down to the Rio Grande is an area with few divorced people, which might be expected in view of high church membership and the relatively few migrants to this area. The low prevalence of divorce in Virginia, North Carolina and South Carolina may stem in part from fairly high church attendance. The huge triangular area with its apex in Michigan and its base from eastern Texas to southern Georgia shows a mixed pattern in the proportion of divorced people. This area has wide variations in migration. There is little doubt that divorce rates rose sharply in the 1960s and 1970s, but there have been some difficulties in interpreting divorce statistics since the early 1980s. Larry L. Bumpass of the University of Wisconsin, who has done the most extensive work on this point, concludes that the divorce rate has stabilized in the past two decades. As of March 1997, the U.S. had more than 19 million divorced people, or 9.9 percent of those 18 and over. The median age of divorced people is about 50, and 58 percent are women. Among whites, 9.8 percent are divorced, compared with 11.3 percent of blacks and 7.6 percent of Hispanics. Divorce rates in urban areas are higher than in rural areas. --Rodger Doyle (rdoyle2 at aol.com) "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 13 01:48:10 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 01:48:10 -0500 Subject: Census Bureau keeps track of love Message-ID: <199902130644.BAA11862@mail.his.com> Census Bureau keeps track of love -- and love lost By Lee Davidson, Washington correspondent The federal government isn't just a big, heartless, bureaucratic morass after all. It collects annual data about how well Cupid is doing his job for Valentine's Day. The Census Bureau provides statistics that may not exactly capture the fireworks and splendor of love, but they provide an idea each year of how many people are finding it -- and losing it. Take, for example, marriage - please (as comedian Henny Youngman might have urged). The Census Bureau notes that during 1996, 2.3 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces occurred in the nation. In line-dancing terms, that's two steps forward and one step back. The bureau notes that also translates into 6,400 marriages and 3,200 divorces on a typical day -- and county courthouses full of people going in opposite directions. It also says that Nevada -- so close yet so far from Utah -- was the nation's capital for both marriages and divorces. Nevada's marriage rate -- 88.1 per 1,000 population -- was miles ahead of second-place Hawaii's rate of 15.8. (Utah's rate was 11.1 per 1,000 population). And Nevada's divorce rate was 8.1 per 1,000 population -- about 21 percent higher than the three states (Wyoming, New Mexico and Oklahoma) that tied for second at 6.7 per 1,000. Meanwhile, Utah's divorce rate was 4.8 per 1,000 ? about 41 percent lower than Nevada's divorce rate. Hmmm. Why would divorce rates in Utah and Nevada be so different? The geology, water and air are similar. Might it have something to do with the differing number of Mormons, casinos, saloons, strip clubs and legalized prostitution in each? The government's numbers also show that Cupid requires more time before convincing people to marry nowadays. The estimated median age for Americans at first marriage in 1998 was 25.0 years for women and 26.7 years for men. That was the oldest mark for women in the 20th Century, and second-oldest for men (which dipped 0.4 years after reaching a 20th Century high in 1996). Fifty years ago in 1947, Cupid worked much more quickly. The average age at first marriage for men was 22.7 years old (a full four years younger than now), and 20.4 years for women (or 4.6 years younger than now). Meanwhile, growing numbers of Americans have never been married. In 1998, 35 percent of all Americans ages 25 to 34 had never been married (that's 13.7 million people). But for those aged 35 to 44, that drops to 15 percent who have never been married (or 6.8 million people). The government's data also suggest that younger women seem to have better odds of finding a mate than young men. That's because for ages 18 to 44, there are 114 unmarried men (either never married, widowed or divorced) for every 100 unmarried women. At older ages, however, the ratios reverse dramatically. For ages 45 to 64, there are 146 unmarried women for every 100 unmarried men. And for those 65 and older, there are 315 unmarried women for every 100 unmarried men. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 15 18:59:04 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 18:59:04 -0500 Subject: News Clips - APA -committment, Alabama, Neb, Penn, etc. 2/99 Message-ID: <199902152355.SAA18554@mail.his.com> Love Does Increase Over Time For Romantic Couples, Says Researcher But Commitment and Satisfaction Need To Be There Too, For It To Last WASHINGTON - Do intimate partners really love each other more with each passing year, as suggested by the Hallmark anniversary or Valentine's Day card? Do they see their love getting better over time? A new study on premarital relationship development in this month's Journal of Personality and Social Psychology published by the American Psychological Association explores how love improves over time for romantic couples if satisfaction and commitment increase too. ''Love does tend to grow, but loving each other may not prevent break-up,'' according to psychologist Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., of Illinois State University. ''Couples break up because of decreased levels of satisfaction in the relationship-not because they stop loving each other.'' Dr. Sprecher discovered that satisfaction and commitment were as, or more, important than love for couples in their desire to stay together by surveying both partners of 101 heterosexual couples at a Midwestern university. She examined both their actual and perceived changes in love, satisfaction and commitment for each other over a four-year period. By the end of the study, 59 percent of the couples had ended their relationships. These couples reported decreased levels of satisfaction and commitment before the relationship actually ended, but said that their love remained unchanged. ''These results suggest that people do not end their relationship because of the disappearance of love,'' said Dr. Sprecher, ''but because of a dissatisfaction or unhappiness that develops, which may cause love to stop growing.'' She also noted that love might not completely end when the relationship ends. Of the 41 couples who remained together, 71 percent had married. The couples who remained together reported that their love, satisfaction and commitment increased over time. Furthermore, the largest increase was in their commitment for one another. Article: ''I Love You More Today Than Yesterday': Romantic Partners' Perceptions of Changes in Love and Related Affect Over Time,'' Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., Illinois State University, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 76, No. 1. (Full Text available from the APA Public Affairs Office or at www.apa.org/journals/psp/psp76146.html) Susan Sprecher, Ph.D., can be reached at (309) 438-8357 or sprecher at ilstu.edu. ____________________ Many marriages prove to be a roller coaster, but they don't have to be. States with Highest Divorce Rates per 1,000 population: Nevada 9.0 Arkansas 7.1 Oklahoma 6.7 Tennessee 6.6 Wyhoming 6.5 Alabama 6.2 Idaho 6.2 Source: Alabama Family Alliance Alabama divorce rate 6th highest in the nation BIRMINGHAM, February 13 ? John Mangels has been married for eight years. He says he loves his wife deeply and after all this time, his marriage is still very strong. ?My wife?s my best friend,? he said Saturday while choosing some flowers for Valentine?s Day. ?I talk to her and we love each other.? But a new report released this weekend shows that John?s marriage could be the exception instead of the rule. The report, titled ?Breaking Up Is Hard On You: The High Co$t of Divorce,? by Dr. John Hill of the Alabama Family Alliance, and Dr. Nick Stinnett of the University of Alabama, shows that Alabama families have the sixth-highest divorce rates in the United States. The divorce rate of 6.2 per 1,000 couples is forty percent higher than it was in 1970, the year no-fault divorce was legalized in this state. ?The state is pretty much maxed-out on divorce and unless we do something, it looks like we?re going to continue to have a very high divorce rate,? said Dr. Hill. The report cites Incapacity as the top reason for divorce, followed by adultery, abandonment, imprisonment and crime against nature as the top five reasons for divorce in Alabama. Marie Haggard, who has been married for thirty years, says marriage is a very, very difficult institution to hold together. ?It?s a hectic life. It?s stressful. People move, you don?t stay in the same place and sometimes you change.? John Mangels says he doesn?t plan to become one of the statistics. He says the key to a successful marriage is communication. But too often couples don?t do it soon enough. Experts say people don?t get to know each other before taking the big plunge. ?You need to ask about our finances, where are we going to church, how many times are we going to visit your relatives every year, how many children are we going to have,? says Hill. He says small problems and disagreements like these can add up quickly and lead to divorce. Hill says pre-marital counseling can help identify problems before they creep into your life and they can actually make the marriage stronger. And finally, Hill says, remember that after the honeymoon, the work doesn?t end, it begins. ?It takes a lot of give and take, a lot of loyalty to the other person and a lot of love and caring.? ___________________________ For better or worse - by Tregg White LEXINGTON, Neb., Feb. 12?-In 1997 out of 1,000 marriages in Dawson County, 4.5 of them ended up in divorce court. A Lexington minister wants the town?s churches to adopt a community marriage policy. Pastor Duane Russell, of the Evangelical Free Church says marriage is sacred and that?s why he came up with a nine-point plan. That would prolong marriages, and let people see the impact of broken families, ?Marriage is the basic unit of society, the family and the home. If the marriage falls apart the home falls apart and a lot of results from that on this society. We would really like to build marriage and to have good homes in our nation.? In the community marriage policy churches would require at least six counseling sessions, time enough to find out the compatibility of each other. Pastor Russell adds, ?Finances in marriage in not getting in trouble by borrowing too much. Finances have a lot to do with divorce. Various other topics you would talk about is communication. Break down of communication is another major reason for divorce. Those types of major areas you sit down and discuss with the couple before marriage.? There are at least 15 churches in Lexington. Many of them have already or recently adopted Russell?s marriage policy within their church. Something necessary for the community marriage policy to work. Russell, ?We do the work on it and help build marriages has come quite easy for them.? ________________ Marriage a long-term commitment for some ''We're finding a positive response to marriage education,'' he said. ''We're going to see a whole lot more of that in the future.'' - Tom Strohl, President Marriage Works 02/14/99 By KATHLEEN PARRISH Of The Morning Call Theresa Smollinger will be the first person to tell you staying married to the same person for 78 years is no bed of roses. ''We had good times and hard times,'' said Smollinger, 100, who lives with her husband, Carl, 103, at Country Meadows II in Bethlehem Township. ''But we stayed together.'' Through the Great Depression, World War II, Vietnam, 14 presidents, four children, 11 grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren, the Smollingers have honored their vows, passing on a legacy of commitment emulated by their children. Two of the Smollingers' children celebrated their golden anniversary. Another, Carl Jr., passed away in 1994 after 49 years with his wife. ''They worked hard to keep the marriage alive and the family together,'' said daughter Margaret Holzer of Bethlehem, who has been married 52 years to her husband, Joseph. ''I always thought that was important.'' In an era where one out of every two married couples divorces, the Smollinger family has shown that the ties that bind them are made out of reinforced steel, not the frilly lace of a paper valentine. Tom Strohl, president of Marriage Works Learning Center in Allentown, said couples who stay together typically value the marriage over themselves. ''Research shows it's not how much you love each other that predicts the success of a marriage, but how you handle the problems that come along in life,'' he said. ''Happily married couples view problems as 'us against the problem.' They identify themselves as a team.'' Thomas and Mildred Anella said ''I do'' 72 years ago in St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Hazleton. ''We never argued,'' said Mildred Anella, 92, who credits God for their happy marriage. ''We had a few misunderstandings; he was a little lenient with the children. But we always talked to each other.'' The Anellas raised four children in their six-bedroom home in Hazleton, where they have lived during their entire marriage. They have 20 grandchildren, 32 greatgrandchildren and numerous greatgreat-grandchildren who fill their home with laughter and love, especially around the holidays when Mildred Anella bastes a 28-pound turkey. ''My parents were soul mates,'' said Mildred Truitt, the Anellas' youngest daughter, who lives in Hazleton near her parents. ''All my father had to do was say, 'Milly' and she was right there or she'd say, 'Tommy' and he was right there. Every Tuesday he'd go to the ice cream shop and bring her home a pint of ice cream. Then they'd sit together on the porch and eat it. There was never a mad word.'' The worst thing a couple can do is call each other names, Mildred Anella said. ''I think that's terrible,'' she said. ''Even if it's made up, it always sticks in your mind. Then there's hard feelings. You have to think before you talk.'' And sometimes you have to eat oysters. Gerry Clause, 92, of Bethlehem remembers the first date she had with her husband, Ray, 90. He invited her to a dinner of oysters. She didn't like oysters, but she liked him, so she accepted. ''If I would have said, 'No, I don't want to go for oysters,' he wouldn't have taken me,'' she said. ''You can eat anything if you have to.'' The couple has been married for 70 years. ''It doesn't seem possible it's been that long,'' Gerry Clause said. ''But it doesn't seem possible we've reached this age. We've had a happy married life and a good family. The time has gone fast.'' Ray Clause offered this advice when asked the secret of a successful marriage: ''It's better to agree than to disagree,'' he said. ''It might not always be truthful, but it keeps things on an even keel.'' Of the couples who stay together, only half are happy, Strohl said. ''Everyone says marriage is hard work, but no one tells you what the work is,'' he said. ''A young couple who's in love and marries within a year of meeting, can't really know what's facing them.'' That's why Marriage Works seminars have become so popular, Strohl said. Couples are really interested in improving their relationships, not only for the children, but for personal satisfaction. Strohl said over the past few years the divorce rate has slowly declined. ''We're finding a positive response to marriage education,'' he said. ''We're going to see a whole lot more of that in the future.'' The next Marriage Works seminar is Saturday at Asbury United Methodist Church in South Whitehall Township. The all-day workshop costs $99. One key ingredient to a successful marriage, Strohl said, is for men to ''accept influence'' from their wives. ''It doesn't mean giving in. It doesn't mean doing whatever your wife says,'' he said. ''It means that your wife knows you are genuinely listening, understanding and considering her point of view and what she may be requesting of you.'' Women need to share and express their feelings to experience intimacy, Strohl said. Men need shared activities, he said. So true, said Grace Musselman, who's been married to her husband, Henry, for the past 73 years. ''We never had separate ways,'' said Grace Musselman, 95, who lives with her husband, 96, at Bible Fellowship Home in Nazareth. ''We always stayed together. If he went somewhere, I went with him. If I went somewhere, he went with me.'' The Musselmans are world travelers who have visited Europe, Bermuda and every state in the United States except Nevada. Grace Musselman said they made a pact when they got married never to go to bed angry. Have they? ''Well, we're not perfect,'' she said, adding they still kiss several times a day. Lewis Schluicher was perfectly content to remain a bachelor. He had a good job as an estimator at a department store and on weekends he and his buddies would travel to Atlantic City or New York. Then one day he saw her seated in an office as he passed. Her long raven hair was piled on her head, exposing the curve of her neck. ''Up until that day, I wasn't even concerned about women,'' said Schluicher, 92. ''I took one look and that was it. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.'' Sixty-two years later, he said, she still is. On Saturday , Lewis and Elizabeth Schluicher of Allentown renewed their wedding vows at Muhlenberg Hospital Center in celebration of World Marriage Day today. ''We never had a real fight,'' he said. ''We had arguements, naturally, but we always agreed in the end.'' In the end, as these couples have demonstrated, love can last and even flourish providing it's tended with patience and understanding. Three years ago, Thomas Anella, 96, had a stroke and is confined to bed, but Mildred Anella is constantly at his side, stroking his head and reminding him of the life they shared. ''Sometimes he knows me, sometimes he doesn't,'' she said. ''If I hold his hand, that's the only ''I know he's never going to get better, but I'm thankful for every day we have together.'' "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 15 21:32:02 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 21:32:02 -0500 Subject: Marriage Mentors - 2/15/99 Message-ID: <199902160228.VAA19520@mail.his.com> Marriage Mentors By William Raspberry, The Washington Post http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPcap/1999-02/15/034r-021599-idx.html Monday, February 15, 1999 Are there still people who doubt that good marriages help to produce strong families, successful children and nurturing communities? Or who disbelieve the converse: that failed (or never-undertaken) marriages can lead to weak and economically stressed families, troubled children and shaky communities? And yet as George Gallup Jr. noted the other day, marriage continues in decline. "If divorce were a physical disease," he said, "we'd declare a national emergency." So what accounts for our laissez-faire attitude toward divorce? At least two things, I think. The first is that we haven't learned how to talk about the problems resulting from too-easy divorce without implying that we'd like to turn back the clock on advances in women's rights. The second is our belief that divorce, like marriage, is such an intensely private matter that the wider society can do nothing about it. That second notion, at least, is under challenge, thanks to a fledgling national program called Marriage Savers, which helps local churches organize to create a "community marriage policy" that includes intensive premarital training. The results sound almost too good to believe. According to Michael McManus, president and co-chair (with his wife Harriet) of the Potomac-based Marriage Savers, the divorce rate in Modesto, Calif., which adopted the first community marriage policy, fell by 35 percent between 1986 and 1997 -- while the national divorce rate was dropping by just 1.3 percent. In just two years of the program, the Kansas suburbs of Kansas City showed a decline from 1,530 divorces to 1,001 -- 35 percent fewer. Not all the numbers McManus cited at a press conference last week were that dramatic. Eau Claire, Wis., saw a drop from 366 divorces in 1996 to 341 in 1997 -- just 6.9 percent -- and Columbus, Ga., reported a mere 5.7 percent drop in that same period. The keystone of the Marriage Savers approach is the use of mentors -- generally older couples from the congregation with perhaps 30 years of marriage under their belts -- who spend as much as four months counseling engaged couples on every aspect of marriage. "Except for the Catholic Church, which was the first to require six months of marriage preparation, and a few scattered congregations, when it comes to marriage, the church has pretty much just been a blessing machine," McManus said. "Couples tell the minister they'd like to be married in his church -- maybe just because they'd like some nice pictures for the wedding album -- and the minister gives them what I call a marriage chat, and that's it." Still, that compares with the national decline in the divorce rate of 1.3 percent over the dozen years.2 Unless the minister is in one of the 100 places where the Community Marriage Policy pact has been adopted (Culpeper becomes the 100th today) -- almost all of them small or midsize towns. In that case what the couple gets is a carefully crafted questionnaire. The couple are sent to separate rooms and asked to answer questions dealing with everything from money decisions to the frequency with which the prospective spouse uses the "silent treatment." The scores are discussed in detail with specially trained mentoring couples. Often the exercise helps individuals to see their flaws more clearly -- the tendency to nag, or to put "issues" ahead of the relationship. And about a 10th of the time, the couple will decide they're not right for each other -- quite likely saving a future divorce. One recent innovation of Marriage Savers is to find mentors whose experiences match the peculiar needs of the engaged couple -- for instance second-marriage couples might be assigned to couples who are remarrying after a divorce; couples who have been involved with stepchildren might counsel engaged couples facing the same prospect. The result can be better and more practical advice than a cleric or other trained generalist could offer. The program does two things that I consider vital when it comes to helping marriages to work: It stresses the spiritual importance of commitment, and it offers time-tested how-tos. As Harriet McManus put it: "Before you tie the knot, let us show you the ropes." "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 15 22:09:07 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1999 22:09:07 -0500 Subject: Divorce: Long-Distance Childhood - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902160305.WAA11389@mail.his.com> MY TURN My Long-Distance Life Newsweek February 15, 1999 At the age of 5, I discovered what all children of divorce know: you're always missing somebody By Nick Sheff I was born in Berkeley, where I lived in a small house in the hills surrounded by firs and redwoods. My mom, my dad and me. As early as I can remember, there was arguing. When I was 4, my parents decided that they could no longer live together. That same year, my mom moved to Los Angeles, and a therapist was hired to decide where I would live. My dad called her my worry doctor. Playing with a dollhouse in her office, I showed her the mother's room on one side and the father's room on the other. When she asked me about the little boy's room, I told her he didn't know where he would sleep. Though I was very young, I accepted my parents' separation and divorce and somehow knew it wasn't my fault. Yet I was intensely afraid. Not only was my mom more than 500 miles away, but she had a new husband. My dad had a new girlfriend, and my custody was unresolved. Everyone said I'd spend time with both parents, but I wanted to know where I would live. The therapist finally decided I'd stay with my dad during the school year and visit my mom on long holidays and for the summers. I began flying between two cities and two different lives. I've probably earned enough miles for a round-trip ticket to Mars. Some people love to fly, but I dreaded the trips. For the first year, one of my parents would accompany me on the flights. At 6, I started traveling on my own. I would pack my toys and clothes in a Hello Kitty backpack and say goodbye to my parent at the gate. The flight attendant would lead me onto the plane. When I was 7, the woman sitting next to me on the plane tried to convert me to Christianity. A few years later I was on a flight with such bad turbulence that the luggage compartments opened and the man behind me threw up. When I was 12 and on my way to L.A. for Christmas, a lady refused to check her bag and shoved a flight attendant. We couldn't take off for two hours; the police came and dragged her off, to the cheering of other passengers. But flying was just part of what made long-distance joint custody so difficult. I remember the last day of school in sixth grade. All my friends made plans to go to the beach together?all my friends, but not me. I couldn't join them because I had to fly to L.A. It wasn't that I didn't want to see my mom and stepdad. I just didn't want to leave my friends. As the school year came to a close, I began to shut down. I hated saying goodbye for the summer. It was easier to put up a wall, to pretend I didn't care. My dad drove to school with my packed bags. My friends went off together and I headed to the airport. Arriving in L.A., I was excited to see my mom and stepdad. It had been almost three months since my last visit. But it took a while to adjust. Each set of parents had different rules, values and concerns. I am 16 now and I still travel back and forth, but it's mostly up to me to decide when. I've chosen to spend more time with my friends at the expense of visits with my mom. When I do go to L.A., it's like my stepdad put it: I have a cameo role in their lives. I say my lines and I'm off. It's painful. What's the toll of this arrangement? I'm always missing somebody. When I'm in northern California, I miss my mom and stepdad. But when I'm in L.A., I miss hanging out with my friends, my other set of parents and little brother and sister. After all those back-and-forth flights, I've learned not to get too emotionally attached. I have to protect myself. Many of my friends' parents are divorced. The ones whose mom and dad live near each other get to see both their parents more. These kids can go to school plays and dances on the weekends, and see their friends when they want. But others have custody arrangements like mine. One friend whose dad moved to New Hampshire sees him at Christmas and for one month during the summer. My girlfriend's dad lives in Alaska. They know what I know: it's not fair. No child should be subjected to the hardship of long-distance joint custody. To prevent it, maybe there should be an addition to the marriage vows: Do you promise to have and to hold, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live? And if you ever have children and wind up divorced, do you promise to stay within the same geographical area as your kids? Actually, since people often break those vows, maybe it should be a law: if you have children, you must stay near them. Or how about some common sense? If you move away from your children, you have to do the traveling to see them. In two years I'll go to college. I'll be living away from both homes, which will present new problems, such as where I will spend holidays. Whatever happens, I'll continue to build my relationships with both my parents, my siblings and my friends. Before I have children of my own, I'll use my experiences to help make good decisions about whom I choose to marry. However, if I do get a divorce, I will put my children's needs first. I will stay near them no matter what happens. Sheff is a junior at Marin Academy High School in San Rafael, Calif. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 10:21:16 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 10:21:16 -0500 Subject: Workshops are now posted on the web site - 2/15/99 Message-ID: <199902161517.KAA27670@mail.his.com> All workshop, seminar, institute and keynote descriptions for the July 1999 Smart Marriages/Happy Families conference are now available on the web at http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html Go to the conference details page and from there click on the links for workshop, seminar, keynote, and institute descriptions near the top of the page. The on-line registration forms will be posted next week. The brochures will be mailed the first of March. We suggest that you wait to receive the brochure before registering. It is much easier to have the complete program in front of you in printed form - and if you register by the middle of April you are guaranteed to get your first choices on sessions. Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 11:15:54 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 11:15:54 -0500 Subject: A VALENTINE'S DAY WARNING: DON'T COHABIT - McManus 2/13/99 Message-ID: <199902161612.LAA04096@mail.his.com> McManus: Ethics & Religion column Feb. 13, 1999 A VALENTINE'S DAY WARNING: DON'T COHABIT By Mike McManus This Valentine's Day, a chill wind from Rutgers University is blowing away a dangerous illusion of modern romance that living with someone is the way to decide whether to get married and to avoid a future divorce. Actually, neither is correct. ''Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage,'' says the landmark report, ''Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage.'' It cites a study that cohabitors who marry ''are estimated to have a hazard of dissolution that is about 46 percent higher'' than those who live apart before marriage. ''Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.'' Cohabiting women are twice as likely as married women to be physically abused and are three times as likely to be depressed. Why? Women agree to live together in hopes that it is a step toward marriage, while men do so for the easy access to sex. My Valentine's Day advice to such women is to move out. Remember your mother's advice, ''He's never going to buy the cow if he gets free milk.'' Paul put it succinctly in his letter to the Corinthians: ''Flee fornication.'' Americans are moving in the opposite direction. In 1960, only 430,000 couples lived together. That figure has soared ten-fold to 4,236,000 by 1998. Young people see no harm in that trend. Indeed, the report says nearly 60 percent of high school seniors think it is a good idea to live together before getting married. Yet as more cohabit, fewer get married. The marriage rate has plunged 41 percent in the same time. Thus, cohabitation is a double cancer of marriage. It has diverted tens of millions from getting married. The number of never-married Americans has doubled from 21 million in 1970 to 46 million by 1997. And by increasing the odds of divorce of those who do marry after living together, cohabitation is one reason divorces tripled from 390,000 in 1960 to 1,163,000 in 1997. The report by Dr. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead summarizes academic research for The National Marriage Project of Rutgers. It says that while marriages are held together by ''a strong ethic of commitment, cohabiting relationships by their very nature tend to undermine this ethic.'' They differ in their levels of commitment and autonomy. ''Once this low-commitment, high-autonomy pattern of relating becomes learned, it becomes hard to unlearn.'' It cites a Penn State study that ''the more months of exposure to cohabitation that young people experienced, the less enthusiastic they were toward marriage and childbearing.'' ''Particularly problematic is serial cohabitation....The experience of dissolving one cohabiting relationship generates a greater willingness to dissolve later relationships. People's tolerance for unhappiness is diminished and they will scrap a marriage that might be salvaged.'' Thus, cohabitation fosters selfishness, not the selflessness needed for marital stability. Indeed, the report notes that a sad byproduct of shacking up is that the number of unmarried couples with children has grown from 21 percent in 1987 to 36 percent a decade later: ''Half of all children will spend some time in a cohabiting family before age 16.'' A British study found that children living with cohabiting but unmarried biological parents are 20 times more likely to be victims of child abuse as those of married parents. And children of a mother living with a man who is not the father are 33 times more vulnerable to abuse. Therefore, the report recommends that couples ''Consider not living together at all before marriage. Do not make a habit of cohabiting.'' Finally, ''Do not cohabit if children are involved'' because its effects are devastating to children and long-lasting. I would add that churches should stop aiding this trend by their silence. Pastors should cite this sociological evidence that Scripture is right in calling for chastity, and preach on it from the pulpit, as a warning to the young and to help middle-aged parents know what to tell their adult children who are cohabiting. Second, churches should offer young adults an alternative way to test their relationship by taking a premarital inventory. They can predict with 80 percent accuracy which couples will divorce, and a tenth who take them decide not to marry that person. Studies show they are avoiding a bad marriage before it has begun. St. Paul wrote to the Thessalonians, ''Test everything. Hold onto the good. Avoid every kind of evil.'' Cohabitation is an embracing of evil. Premarital testing avoids it, while holding on to the good. END TXT. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 22:16:34 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 22:16:34 -0500 Subject: Between the Generations - Creating FamilyTime - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902170312.WAA08345@mail.his.com> This first piece shows yet another way divorce is harmful - it so often cuts kids off not just from one parent, but from a whole side of a family and from family stories & histories. Maybe that's another factor contributing to the fact that kid's of divorce lives are shortened by four years. The piece to follow by Wayne Sotile (who will present at the July Smart Marriages conference), offers guidelines for keeping the intergenerational ties tied. _____________ Sharing Memorable moments can calm the soul, heal the body By Karen Peterson USA Today 2/15/99 Listening to family stories and reminiscing about the past may be healing both physically and emotionally, a pilot study shows. "Remember when" stories that bring back meaningful moments may actually lower heart rate and increase a sense of overall physical well-being, says a team of researchers at St. Olaf College in Northfield, Minn. The team played three recordings for a small group of subjects, 36 people ages 18 to 22. Overall, their heart rates decreased when they listened to a "meaningful" heartwarming story about a grandmother fondly recalling relatives. Their rates didn't change while the study participants listened to a reading from a local building code, or when they heard a "nonmeaningful" story about a series of unrelated events, says study co-author Howard Thorsheim. The research is an outgrowth of a four-year federally funded study of 10,000 people, in part exploring the health effects of listening to and telling positive stories. "People feel good telling their life stories, their meaningful life experiences, talking about their relationships," Thorsheim says. He and colleague Bruce Roberts will publish their results in a book due out this spring, Reminiscing, Talking About Enjoyable Life Experiences: A Reason to Get Up In The Morning. Remembered stories rekindle thoughts of love and connection with others as well as help distance today's concerns and worries the researchers say. ___________________ This is from a recent edition of "Round the Table," published in 50 countries by the organization, the Million Dollar Roundtable. Between The Generations by Wayne M. Sotile, Ph.D. "They might not be here tomorrow; go visit them today." With this phrase, my parents gave me a gift that has lasted a lifetime: They insisted that I honor and spend time with my grandparents. I grew up hearing this instruction, and watching my mother and father practice what they preached. Our life was a multi-generational circus of FamilyTime. Three, often four, generations ate together regularly and worked side-by-side at household chores and in family businesses. My wife, Mary, and I sometimes lament that we have fallen short in our own efforts to continue this way of life. Maybe, like so many families today, we are stumbling over predictable hurdles that come when different generations try to connect along the family journey. What keeps us apart? Whether we are actively parenting our offspring (no matter what their ages) or dealing with our aging parents, FamilyTime is challenged by the fact that each generation marches to a different drummer; each stage of life compels us to pursue different quests. This fact is obvious when parents feel compelled to work, while their young children simply want to play with them. Or, when adolescents live to be with their peers, while parents their yearn for pockets of FamilyTime. But, what about the challenges faced by grown children and their aging parents? Here, too, differing psychological needs and styles of communicating can strain relationships. From early-to mid-adulthood, we are compelled to declare our individuality and create our own identities and family rituals. Often, doing so excludes our first family members. "Having holidays in my own home became a right of passage into adulthood for me," explained Ellen. "But this was not a smooth passage. My father was hurt and angry. He didn't understand that I wasn't rejecting him or my heritage. I was simply trying to live some version of our family values, but in my own way." Like most people over 65, Ellen's father was driven by the need to connect with his family, not individuate from them. As parents move from middle age to older age, two mistaken notions tend to steer aging families off the course of caring connection. Myth #1: Elderly parents should enjoy moving to a retirement home where they can meet people their own age. That's bound to be better for them than living alone and isolated. It certainly is true that many older people do enjoy, and benefit from, living in a supportive community that makes connecting with others an easy part of day-to-day life. However, we should never forget that, as we age, we prefer to associate with loved ones, not with new acquaintances. The wisdom of age teaches us to be ever more selective about how and where we invest our time and energies. Interacting with family is most meaningful to elders, and, therefore, is their preferred investment. Myth #2: Older parents complain and rehash the pain they've been through just to make the younger generation feel guilty. A normal part of later life is the need to reminisce, including the need to talk about the painful stages of our journey. Gerontologists remind us that this painful self-disclosure is a way of sharing acts of "elderly heroism." By telling a compassionate listener what they have been through and what they are now experiencing, older people are able to achieve a sense of integrity and establish an intimate connection with the listener. It is important that others know not only how they are doing now, but also who they have been. For many, like Janet, bearing these facts in mind can help smooth relationships between the generations. Janet said, "When I learned that talking about the painful parts of the journey is a normal part of aging, I saw my mother in a different light. For years, I thought that she was just trying to make me feel guilty. Every time I called or visited her, all she did was talk about her pains and how much she missed my dad. I started avoiding her. "Then, an interesting thing happened. I dropped by one day when two older neighbors were visiting her. As I listened, I realized that their conversation was filled with stuff that was painful for me to hear. 'When my husband died...' one said. Then another: 'Well, when I had my bout with cancer...' Then another: 'I just can't get around like I used to.' Then they would laugh, and nod, and go on telling each other these painful vignettes from their lives. "As I listened and watched, I realized that they were not complaining; they were explaining who they had been, what had happened to them, and how they had endured." Our elders value relationships that allow them to tell their stories. Unfortunately, family members in their middle years tend to be so busy with their own lives, that they do not have time to listen. We hurriedly check-in with a brief visit or telephone call, then rush back to our own lives. But the elders are not the only ones who go misunderstood. Many, like Susan, feel blamed, shamed or otherwise misunderstood by their parents. Susan said, "I sometimes don't call or visit my mom, even though I'm missing her. Why? Because I don't like being criticized. Her little comments get to me. She greets me with a jab: 'I thought you had forgotten where I live!' She makes me feel ashamed about the fact that I am divorced; that I work as hard as I do; that my children's lives are sometimes too hectic; and that my family life is so different from the way it was when I was a child. "But that's the point. I wish that my mother would accept the fact that my life is different than the way hers was. I'm doing the best I can." New opportunities The fastest growing segment of the world-wide population is over age 85. It is estimated that by the year 2010, the typical family will consist of four generations living near each other and providing hands-on care for each other. These facts create many opportunities for caring connections across generations. We can share a long, loving family journey, but, to do so, we must be respectful of each generation's needs. FamilyTime advice to the younger generation * Ask your elders to teach you about your family's history. Tape record conversations with them as you browse through family photo albums and ask questions about the different stages of their life, about their experiences, and about the people who were important to them. * Remember that grandparents and children are natural allies. Orchestrate activities that include them in each others' lives. Invite grandparents to your kids' ball games, dance recitals or backyard picnics. If you live apart, keep grandparents updated on your children's activities, their likes and dislikes, and their achievements and challenges. Make it a FamilyTime ritual to have your children visit their grandparents regularly and to speak with them at least once each week, even if only by telephone. * Remember that connecting regularly, even briefly, goes a long way in maintaining a relationship. Strive to orchestrate many moments of FamilyTime, rather than holding out for extended visits. * Give your aging parents the benefit of the doubt: don't be afraid to express your needs to them. In gentle, respectful language, let your parents and grandparents know how they might make visiting with them or speaking with them a more rewarding experience for you. You might be surprised by their flexibility. FamilyTime advice to the older generation * Remember that no matter how grown they are, your children still need your blessing and your understanding. Express admiration for what they do and avoid criticizing them for what they don't do. Notice whether your words convey that your relationship is a safe space of welcome or a reminder of guilt and disappointment. Say, "It's so good to hear from you." Avoid saying, "Well! It's about time you called." * Show respect for the fact that your children need to establish their own lives. Assure them that in the course of this journey, there will be time enough for all of you to frequently be together. * Accept that times are different, and show interest. Like it or not, your offspring live in a world that is different than the time when family life revolved around the needs of the elders. Today, FamilyTime often means joining your children and grandchildren in their worlds. Be flexible. Show interest in them and what they do. Ask their opinions about current events, and listen, don't preach. By joining them on their turf, you might learn something new! * Invite them over. Today's busy families seldom make time to spend an entire day doing any one thing. Plus, they tend to be reactive, not proactive. This means that if we wait for the "let's spend all day Sunday together" version of FamilyTime, we will miss many opportunities to connect. Don't be shy about inviting your children and grandchildren -- in total or in part - - to brief, informal get-togethers. Make them offers they can't refuse: "Come over just for a quick meal and hello. I know you are busy, but I'd love to see you, even if we just visit for a minute." * Volunteer to help them. Grandparents can bless their busy family in many ways that also create memorable FamilyTime. Volunteer to child- or house-sit. Help them run errands. Share experiences like planting a garden with a child or grandchild. Advice to all * Never forget the power and importance of rituals that bring multiple generations of your family together. Clinical psychologist Wayne M. Sotile, Ph.D., speaks internationally on stress management and family life. He and his wife, Mary, have authored four books, including "Supercouple Syndrome: How Overworked Couples Can Beat Stress Together." "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 22:17:06 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 22:17:06 -0500 Subject: A whole bunch of responses to earlier posts - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902170313.WAA08694@mail.his.com> David Popenoe's 1996 book, "LIFE WITHOUT FATHER: Compelling New Evidence that Fatherhood and Marriage are Indispensable for the Good of Children and Society," was just reissued in a paperback (Harvard University Press.) It's available for $15.95 at 79 Garden Street, Cambridge, MA 02138 (1-800-448-2242). Popenoe will present a workshop and keynote at the July Smart Marriages conference. _________________________ >Dear Marjorie, > >Diane Sollee forwarded me your inquiry about finding copies of our >Life-Design Workbook. > >While Barnes & Noble will special order them from us upon request by a customer, >we sell them directly through our Websites with a secure online ordering form. >www.vaughan-vaughan.com > >This is the material we will be using in our Pre-Conference Institute (each >participant will receive a copy of the Workbook) - but we are pleased that >you are interested in seeing it in advance. >Peggy Vaughan >peggy at vaughan-vaughan.com >http://www.vaughan-vaughan.com NOTE: There is a list of presenter's books on the www.smartmarriages.com home page. Just click on the BOOKS button. It's a good idea to read the books BEFORE the conference. You get more out of the workshops with this headstart. _______________ >Diane, > >The "Tech Support Request Uninstall Wife 1.0" ditty is humorous, >but it actually captures >nicely a ciritical point that too many of us miss. Marriage is not an >"upgrade" of a relationship; it is an "operating system" change. Marriage >is an institution, not just a greater commitment to a particular romantic >relationship. Focusing only on its relational nature but ignoring the >institutional nature causes problems. Indeed, while we have learned much >over the last 20 years about improving the relational aspects of marriage, >we have generally dismissed the institutional features. I think both will >be needed to strengthen marriage in the 21st century. Off my soapbox now From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Tue Feb 16 22:18:15 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 22:18:15 -0500 Subject: Emily Visher on Today show Feb 17 Message-ID: <199902170314.WAA09458@mail.his.com> Emily Visher will be on the Today Show Wed, Feb. 17, probably in the second hour which starts at 8:00, on the subject of stepparents and stepgrandparents. There has been a resurgence of media interest in stepfamilies since the movie Stepmom was released. Emily and John Visher, co-founders of the Stepfamily Assoc of America, will present a pre-conf training institute & two workshops at the Smart Marriages conference on their RE-Marriage Education Program "Stepping Together" - it has received rave reviews and is the only program I have been able to identify for use in churches, military bases, in the community that comes complete with leader and couples manuals and is user-friendly and ready-to-teach. Many who have taken the institute training at the last two conference are teaching this MUCH NEEDED course across the country and around the world. It comes HIGHLY recommended by those who have taken it. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Thu Feb 18 08:27:37 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Thu, 18 Feb 1999 08:27:37 -0500 Subject: Brochures/Depression and Divorce/Supercouples - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902181323.IAA12387@mail.his.com> The Smart Marriage conference brochures are at the printer and will be in the mail the first week of March. In spite of mailing out tens of thousands to various lists, it's clear that the best results are brochures handed out in-person by someone like you telling others this is a conference they should attend. And WHY. Let me know if you can distribute brochures to friends, colleagues, in workshops, at conferences, at the office, church, school, etc. Tell me how many to send, and the shipping address. _________________ Here is part of an article. I don't have permission to reproduce this one, so to read the whole piece see USA Today. "Children of Divorce Inclined to Depression By Matthew Kalman, Feb 17, 1999, USA Today "Children of divorced parents are seven times more likely to suffer from depression in adult life than people of similar age and background whose parents have not divorced, says a psychiatric study on factors leading to depression. The Israeli study, to be published in a forthcoming issue of Molecular Psychiatry, indicates that the loss of a parent through divorce is more likely to cause depression than through death. And separation from a mother or from both parents, whether through divorce or desertion, was more likely to cause depression than separation only from a father." "While the death of a parent did cause depression in later life among some patients, it was not a significant number. Rather, the much stronger finding was the link to depression for patients separated from a parent through divorce or a parent deserting the family. "The earlier the separation occurred the more likely it was to have had an influence." *** The article goes on to say that the study focused on children whose parents divorced before the child was 9. Subjects: 231 patients from a psychiatric hospital in Israel with 170 controls from the local community. - DS ________________ And here is another article on Wayne and Mary Sotile. You'll have two chances to see them at Smart Marriages, they're doing a workshop and a seminar. Springfield, Ohio: News-Sun, Monday, Feb. 15, 1999 'Supercouples' Aren't by Gene Fox New-Sun Staff Writer The strategies that couples use to ensure success at work are wrecking their personal relationships. The solution is to morph into a Dynamic Duo, according to Wayne and Mary Sotile, the authors of "Supercouple Syndrome: How Overworked Couples Can Beat Stress Together" (John Wiley & Sons, 1998). The syndrome is "a consequence of the '90s pursuit of the Big Life, with couples juggling marriage, family and career by being all things to all people all the time," he said in a joint phone interview with is wife and co-author, Mary, from their North Carolina home. "It relates to the fast pace we all live ...the pace generates some manner of coping (which) serves us well in work, but hurts us in relationships," Mary Sotile said. The key is to leave high-powered coping skills at work because a competitive lifestyle can alienate loved ones, he said. They include relentless hard work, a tendency to control others and perfectionism. However, non-working spouses are not necessarily immune from the syndrome's effects. For example, ia non-working wife who is running the household while juggling extracurricular activities and maintaining her health can develop those same coping skills, he said. "The crux of it is our hectic lifestyle, " Sotile said. "We're pursuing that mythical balance in life." The idea of developing balance is a process, not an end-point, Mary Sotile said. She compared it to learning how to cross a stream among rocks. It involves learning to be adaptable, flexible and open to growth work, she said. Mary Sotile believes people are becoming more aware of the potential damage in their lives. "I feel hopeful," she said. To overcome effects of the syndrome, the Sotiles' solution is to adopt strategies from their BEST (Beat Stress Together) program. It takes as little as 20 minutes a day, involving little spurts of affection. "Keeping marriage alive and thriving for a lifetime is admittedly complex, but a little bit of change makes big differences, " Mary Sotile said. Make a commitment once every two weeks to have a three-hour date with no pagers or cell phone, so your mate can "look and listen to you," she said. "It can make a significant difference in your relationship." "Busy people do little things in spurts," Wayne Sotile said. "It's important to also clear the deck once in a while." He likes to pose this question at his workshops: "Do you know anyone who has ever quit their big life, resigned their job, sold all their stuff, moved to the mountains and now live a more contemplative life?" No one has yet raised their hands, he said. There are unmistakable benefits in a happy relationship, Sotile said. Couples in a harmonious relationship do not become ill as frequently, recover faster and adjust to work setbacks with less distress, he said. Joni Sullivan, president of the Clark County Medical Society Alliance selected Sotile for the local function after she heard the co-authors speak at a Chicago convention and on "Good Morning America." Sotile will address the unique challenges faced by physicians and their loved ones. He and Mary have counseled over 700 physicians and their loved ones and have addressed thousands more in workshops. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Fri Feb 19 18:07:25 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1999 18:07:25 -0500 Subject: set VCRs - Gordon, Gottman/Minn Covenant/Retrouvaille - Message-ID: <199902192303.SAA21408@mail.his.com> 700 Club is doing yet another show based on the Smart Marriages conference and marriage education. Set your VCR's for Feb 23rd. They are using more fottage shot at the 1998 conference - Lori Gordon, John and Julie Gottman, and couples footage. Maybe others but they just called and mentioned those interviews. Their piece on marriage education Valentine's Week generated TONS of calls and visits to the Directory. If you aren't listed, please get listed. People are so disappointed when there is no class in their area - like in San Diego and Atlanta! Is there anyone in San Diego. Please list your class. I send them to the headquarters offices, but they want courses listed in their town. ________________ A producer at 20/20 is seeking formal Research Data about the impact of affairs on children. This is just at the data-gathering, pitch an idea stage. If you have leads let me know and I'll connect you. ________________ Sen. Steve Dille of Minnesota has introduced a Marriage Covenant bill. It has been referred to the Judiciary Committee. Has to clear committee, be voted up, etc. So it may only be a gleam in this senator's eye... but if you'd like to read the full bill go to: http://www.revisor.leg.state.mn.us/cgi-bin/bldbill.pl?bill=S0883.0&ses sion=ls81 If you can't, for some reason, here's the address of the Senate: http://www.senate.leg.state.mn.us/ Click on "bill introductions"; it was introduced on Feb. 18; it's at the very bottom of the page - about the third bill from the bottom. You'll note that it isn't a marriage EDUCATION bill. Nothing about skills building. The Inland Register Eric Meisfjord, Editor PO Box 48, Spokane WA 99210 (509) 358-7340, FAX: (509) 358-7302 Published every three weeks, circulation 10,100. Retrouvaille program offers ?lifeline? for troubled marriages by Bonita Lawhead, Inland Register Feb 10 1999 With America?s national divorce rate at nearly 50 percent, it seems clear that the institution of marriage needs help. A program with a French name in use for nearly 20 years is making a small dent in those statistics. The program is Retrouvaille, a Catholic-originated program started in Canada about 1979 to help bring healing to troubled, hurting marriages. Couples who sign up for a Retrouvaille weekend often do so because nothing else has helped them. The couple?s marriage may be on the rocks and they figure they might as well give the program a chance. ?We didn?t have anything to lose,? many of them will say. For the couples who go through Retrouvaille (which is a French word that means ?rediscovery?), the program helps them ?rediscover? that their marriage and their love for each other is worth saving and gives them new communications tools to help break patterns of angry behavior. Listen to Pat and Cheryl, married nearly six years: Pat: ?We were able to re-achieve emotional intimacy. It (Retrouvaille) doesn?t deal with problems; it deals with feelings the problems have caused. It increased communication (between us) and has made a big difference. It was the most powerful weekend I?ve ever experienced.? Cheryl: ?It?s given us, and me, a second chance. I have no doubt (our marriage) would have failed. We seemed to have lost or overlooked how our actions make our spouses feel. It had such a positive effect; it?s a wonderful program.? Keith and Jan, married 19 years, entered Retrouvaille as a last resort: Keith: ?I found the weekend to be extremely emotional and moving. It was definitely a learning and a bonding experience. It opened up channels of communication between us and gave us tools to meet the challenge of communicating. It?s a very valuable program for the community.? Jan: ?I?ve never seen so many people impacted in such a short period of time (during Retrouvaille). It gave us a way of talking to each other where it?s safe. We knew we had areas that needed to be addressed, and we can have conversations (about them) and not get in heated arguments. ? Both couples strongly recommend the program to anyone in a hurting marriage. Retrouvaille is modeled after the Marriage Encounter program, but there are some ?signficant differences,? said Sister Carol Ann Warnke who directs Retrouvaille at St. Joseph Family Center in Spokane. One of those differences is that Retrouvaille has a 12-lesson follow-up done in a period of six weeks following the weekend. About 70 percent of the couples who complete all seven weeks say they are ?very satisfied? with the results, and the divorce statistics bear this out: for Retrouvaille couples, the divorce rate is one in 1,105. Couples who have finished the seven weeks are invited to join the Retrouvaille support group called Cor. A few go further and are trained as presenters. Retrouvaille is open to all married couples of any age or religious denomination, and each weekend accommodates 13 couples. Some couples are separated and some are already divorced. Not all couples can qualify for the program; many have personal issues that must be handled first. For some couples, cost can be a hindrance, but Sister Carol Ann said sponsorships are sometimes available. A couple?s spirituality and life centered on God is the major focus of the program. One of the key components is that the weekend?s workshops are given by trained Retrouvaille couples, assisted by Sister Carol Ann as coordinator and Father Eugene Glatt of Rosalia as spiritual moderator. Many couples appreciate the Retrouvaille couple presenters, who share stories of their own marriage. Testimony from those who have worked through a hurting marriage with Retrouvaille gives credence to what they present and hope to those listening. Retrouvaille is international in scope, and there is an 800 telephone number that can be called?1-800-470-2230. This telephone line connects couples with the closest Retrouvaille in their area code. The Spokane program serves couples in Washington, Idaho, Montana and Canada. St. Joseph Family Center?s telephone number (in Spokane) is 509-483-6495. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sat Feb 20 14:21:16 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1999 14:21:16 -0500 Subject: Should We Live Together now WITH FOOTNOTES - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902201917.OAA18045@mail.his.com> Update: The report was originally posted without footnotes. Sorry about that. They didn't come through on the URL translation. They have now been added. __________ The recently released cohabitation report with bibliography is now available on the CMFCE web site at www.smartmarriages.com Go to the Articles & Information page and you'll find it as the last entry on the first section. Or access the report directly at: http://www.smartmarriages.com/cohabit.html ************** SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage A Comprehensive Review of Recent Research by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead THE NATIONAL MARRIAGE PROJECT The Next Generation Series For more information or additional copies of this publication, contact: The National Marriage Project Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey 25 Bishop Place New Brunswick, NJ 08901-1181 (732) 932-2722 marriage at rci.rutgers.edu Diane Sollee, Director Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education,LLC (CMFCE) The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training institutes are June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. To subscribe to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com To unsubscribe send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. All past newsletters are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start Order tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To locate a course in your area or to list your course in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Directory on the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com CMFCE 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Sun Feb 21 16:11:46 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Sun, 21 Feb 1999 16:11:46 -0500 Subject: Feb, March, April, May Courses Message-ID: <199902212107.QAA25948@mail.his.com> Marriage, Family, and Couples Education is based on the premise that we all have the ability to learn the skills that will help us create and maintain successful relationships, smart marriages, and happy families. These are some of the courses posted on the CMFCE DIRECTORY on the web site. If you search by location and don't find a program in your area, don't despair -- contact the Headquarters Offices listed in the first section. They will provide information on their programs in your area. To list your program in the Directory see the instructions a click away near the top of the Directory. Find dozens of additional courses listed in the Directory at http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html COUPLE COMMUNICATION Instructor Training Equips you to teach the award-winning COUPLE COMMUNICATION I Program (see above) plus the new, advanced COUPLE COMMUNICATION II. CC II covers relationship dances, managing my anger & responding to yours, relationship phases and alignment. Includes demonstrations, practice using skills mats, assessments, and applications with emphasis on how to coach and give feedback effectively. Content integrated with theory and research. CE available. Workshop led by Sherod Miller, PhD, program co-developer. Cities/Dates: Chicago, Illinois Mar 16-17; Charlotte, North Carolina, Mar 19-20; New Rochelle, New York, April 15-16; San Antonio, Texas, May 19-20. For information on fees, materials and certification: Toll-free 800-328-5099 Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc 7201 S. Broadway Littleton, CO 80122 Email:icp at comskills.com Web: www.galaxymall.com/info/couplecommunication FAMILY WELLNESS ASSOCIATES George Doub, MFCC, MDiv and Flo Creighton, MPH, LCSW SURVIVAL SKILLS FOR HEALTHY FAMILIES is a unique 12 hour parenting education program that involves the whole family and teaches practical, lifelong skills that strengthen and empower families. Laity, Ministers, Educators, and Mental Health Workers can train to present this program that has reached over 150,000 families nationwide since 1981. See web site for training schedules and materials including interactive workbooks (English, Spanish and Chinese), audio & video tapes. **Instructor Training: Hollister, CA, Feb 11-13 & 25,26; Las Vegas, Nevada, March 25-27 & 29,30; Fresno, CA, April 15-17 & 22, 23; Seattle, Washington, May 6-8 & 27,28; Sacramento, CA, May 13-15 & 21,22. Box 66533 Scotts Valley, California 95067-6533 831-440-0279 Email: families at familywellness.com Web:www.familywellness.com TRAIN WITH PAT LOVE, EdD: Courses for trainers, educators, couples and individuals. Hot Monogamy:(5 days) Learn to teach the course and expand your practice - use the name, no franchise fees. Couples and individuals also invited to attend to deepen their knowledge of passion and intimacy. **Training schedule in Austin unless otherwise noted: Imago Basic Training and Advanced Courses-Pat, an Imago Master Trainer, offers a wide curriculum for understanding and improving love relationships. Basic Clinical Training (12 days): March 4-7; 6705 Hwy 290 West, # 502-291 Austin, Texas 78735 512-891-0610 Email: pat at patlove.com www.patlove.com MAKING MARRIAGE WORK (MMW) A marital training program for Jewish and Interfaith couples, founded in 1978 at the University of Judaism, LA, and now offered there and by Jewish Family Service (JFS) agencies in Denver, Washingtion, DC area, Ft. Lauderdale, Houston, Kansas City, Miami, Philadelphia, San Francisco, & San Jose, CA. Programs include the basic MMW 10-week pre-marital program or 8-week Marriage: Challenge of Growth for those married up to 15 years, and in LA, Success In Your Second Marriage for those remarrying with children. **Los Angeles schedule: Basic 10-wk premarital classes start Apr 11, 19,21,27; Interfaith April 28; Marriage Growth April 20,21; Second Marriage Apr 14. For other locations contact JFS in cities listed or contact: Elana Rimmon Zimmerman, Director; Sylvia Weishaus, PhD, Clinical Director University of Judaism, 15600 Mulholland Dr. Los Angeles, California 90077 310-440-1233 Email: mmw at uj.edu MARRIAGE ALIVE INTERNATIONAL, INC (MAI) Founders Claudia & David Arp, MSSW, offer skill-based, practical resources: books, videos, curricula and seminars for all stages of marriage - engaged through empty nest - nationally and in Europe & as featued on TV & radio. Typical seminar is 6 hrs: Fri night-Sat morning or Sat 9-3. Typical fee (set by sponsor) is $35-50 per couple including materials.Call MAI toll free or click on website below for details plus dating tips & free weekly email Marriage Builder newsletter. **Seminar schedule : Marriage Alive: April 23-25 Redlands, California; April 29 - May 2 Virginia Beach, VA. Second Half of Marriage: March 4 Washington, DC; March 27-28 Gatlinburg, Tennessee. 10 Great Dates: March 6 Washington, DC; April 16 Pine Cove, California; April 23 San Bernardino, California. Love Life for Parents - How to have Kids and Sex Life Too: Box 31408 Knoxville, TN 37930-1408 Toll Free: 888-690-6667 (Info, orders & media interviews) Email: TheArps at marriagealive.com Website: http://www.marriagealive.com (Newest resources and current speaking schedule) NATIONAL INSTITUTE OF RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT (NIRE) Director: Bernard Guerney, Jr, PhD Staff: Louise Guerney, PhD, Robert Scuka, PhD, MSW, William Nordling, PhD, Carrie Hansen, MSW NIRE is a not-for-profit branch of IDEALS, which has been training the public, businesses, and professionals in the Relationship (RE) Enhancement Program for over 25 years. NIRE can provide the program in many formats to many types of groups. In the Washington-Metro area (Bethesda, MD), it offers a weekend-long training to couples at least once a month. NIRE also offers family & premarital sessions. Comprehensive training, supervision, and certification in RE program leadership is available for professionals. **Relationship Enhancement Training in Bethesda, Maryland/1998 schedule: Couples Weekend: $350 per couple: March 6-7; April 17-18; May 22-23. 4400 East-West Hwy Bethesda Maryland 20904-4501 301-986-1479 Toll free - 800-432-6454 Email: niremd at nire.org www.nire.org PREP at NYU Child Study Center. (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program), Peter Fraenkel, PhD, Director. COUPLES: We brought PREP to the East Coast! Two-Week (15 Hour) Intensive Courses, One-Day Skills Workshops. Learn to communicate, solve problems, identify hidden issues, while maximizing fun, friendship, and sensuality! Featured in SELF, New York Magazine, Elle, Working Woman, London Sunday Times, Good Day New York, Joan Hamburg Show, SWING, REDBOOK. **Two-Week Intensive (full 15 hr) PREP Workshops Sun 10am-6pm, and two following Thursdays, 6-9pm:$375 couple: April 18, 22, 29; May 23, 27, & June 3. One-Day Skills Workshops: 10am-6pm, $160 per couple: March 21, April 25, May 16. NYU Medical Center 550 First Avenue New York, NY 10016 (212) 263 8664 (convenient to New Jersey and Connecticut - the tri-state area.) 212-263-8664 Email: pfraenkel at aol.com PREP:THE PREVENTION & RELATIONSHIP ENHANCEMENT PROGRAM Howard Markman, PhD, Scott Stanley, PhD, Directors Based on over twenty years of empirical research, PREP is a comprehensive premarital/marital program which teaches couples essential skills for maintaining a lasting love: how to communicate effectively, work as a team to solve problems, manage conflicts without damaging closeness, and preserve and enhance love, commitment and friendship. PREP has extensive experience in training mental health professionals and clergy in both civilian and military settings to conduct PREP Workshops and/or utilize the concepts in their practice. To order PREP's free-standing materials --Fighting for Your Marriage books and tapes -- contact us or your bookstore.Instructor trainings & couples workshops in Denver, Colorado unless otherwise noted: **PREP Instructor Training: March 16-18 (Camp Pendleton, California). Christian PREP Instructor Training: March 9-11 (Damneck, Virginia); April 8-10; April 22-24 (Portland, Oregon). Couples Workshops - per couple: March 20; May 22. Becoming Parents Program Instructor Training: March 15-17 (Annapolis, Maryland). 303-759-9931 800-366-0166 Email: PREPINC at AOL.com WEB: http://members.aol.com/prepinc RELATIONSHIP (RE) ENHANCEMENT PROGRAM Bernard Guerney, Director Award-winning research proves RE to be exceptionally effective. Couples learn 9 sets of skills designed to: increase mutual understanding and emotional responsiveness; resolve conflicts and problems; establish new, more satisfying patterns of personal and interactive behaviors, and to also enhance relationships with children and co-workers. There is no pressure to participate in group discussions, and skill-coaching is always private. Weekend group or one-couple instruction can be scheduled, and a phone-coached, home-study program is available, as is leadership training for lay persons or professionals. **Relationship Enhancement Training in Bethesda, MD, schedule: Couples Weekend: $350 per couple: March 6-7; April 17-18; May 22-23. 4400 East-West Hwy. Bethesda Maryland 20904-4501 301-986-1479 Toll free - 800-432-6454 Email: niremd at nire.org Web:www.nire.org Rita DeMaria, MS, PhD, PAIRS Master Teacher The Relationship Center: A comprehensive resource center dedicated to enhancing relationships: Divorce Prevention; Premarital Education, Relationship Assessment; Marriage Education, and Enrichment. Licensed Mars & Venus Center of Spring House, PA. Offering PAIRS course & workshops, PREPARE/ENRICH assessment, Mars & Venus Workshops, PARTNERS (ABA High School Curriculum). **Schedule: FREE PAIRS Preview; PAIRS Course Feb 24 - June 16 ($1,495/person); PAIRS First (8 wks) (7-10pm;$329/person,$649/couple); Passage to Intimacy (6 wks); (7-9:30pm, $198/person, $379/couple); If You Really Loved Me (4 wks) Feb 23-March (7-9:30pm, $129/person, $249/couple). Getting the Love You Want Imago Couples Workshop: Feb 27-28 ($600/couple). PREPARE/ENRICH Counselor Training ($149/person). PO Box 738/921 Bethlehem Pike Spring House, Pennsylvania 19477 215-643-7659 Toll free - 800-997-2477 Email: PHLPAIRS at AOL.com LESSONS IN INTIMACY Turn your relationship into a Love Affair! Fulfill your heart's yearning for union, through Tantra, Tai Chi, Massage and Meditation. Tune-up your sex connection. Workshops for couples in romantic locations. ** SPRING FLING weekend March 26 -28; MAY DAY: April 30 - May 2. (Lido Beach, Florida). Private, personalized weekend or week-long retreats individually scheduled. 941-346-1024 (9 am - 9 pm EST) Richard and Diana Daffner Email: daffner at home.com Web: http://members.home.net/tantra PAIRS IN PARIS:Jill Bourdais, MA; DESS (Sorbonne) The 5-month PAIRS skill-building program and short PAIRS workshops for couples & singles; PREPARE/ENRICH with follow-up. 16 nationalities have participated. French, English, German spoken. 19 Quai aux Fleurs F-75004 Paris, France (331) 43.54.79.25 Email:JABourdais at compuserve.com Web:pairs.com/paris.htm PREP at PENN COUNCIL (formerly MARRIAGE COUNCIL) The largest PREP program on the East Coast! 20 trained PREP presenters offer 1 and 1 1/2 day workshops designed to increase essential skills for better communication, problem solving, and conflict management. Workshops offered monthly in Philadelphia and surrounding communities. Prices per couple: $275 one-day; $375 one-day plus one evening (prices include private coaching sessions). New Money-Focused Course explores attitudes, hidden meanings and effects of money on your relationship as you learn a new money/relationship approach. **Schedule: PREP classes, 9am - 5pm: Feb 21, Paoli, PA; March 28, Voorhees, NJ; April 24, Horsham, PA; May 22, Philadelphia. New MONEY-FOCUSED Course. Margaret Shapiro 215-382-6680 Email: lclark at pcfr.org Website: www.pcfr.org PAIRSTexas, Kelly Simpson, MA Psyc, LMFT With her husband, Robert Crawford, JD, teaches the highly acclaimed, researched, relationship skills course, PAIRS, as preventative maintenance, as divorce prevention, as pre, ongoing or divorce conflict resolution for couples, and as imperative education for singles, pre or newlyweds. For couples and singles in any stage of relationship. MedicalPAIRS is also offered for improved health linked with healthy relationships. For patients and partners associated with stress-related illnesses. **Dallas Schedule: Two-day workshops- March 27, 28; June 5, 6. Highly Acclaimed Semester-long Course - Free previews. See website for additional Texas cities. 9400 North Central Expressway #310 Dallas, Texas 75231 214-369-5717 Toll free (877)PAIRSTx Web: www.pairstexas.com Email: KSimpson at SWBell.net Jean Reeves, MEd, MFT PAIRS Leader - A unique way to INVEST in your MARRIAGE, ... MARRIAGE INSURANCE...Offering PAIRS Programs : One day, Two Day (Passage to Intimacy), PAIRS FIRST, Semester Course, and PAIRS for Schools. **Class Schedule: PAIRS First, 8 wks 7 -10pm begins March 2, $325pp; PAIRS Passage to Intimacy Weekend, April 24, 25, 9:30am - 5pm, $225 pp. 215-646-0553 TOGETHER Box 735 Gwynedd Valley, Pennsylvania 19437 (Philadelphia Area) Email: jean at pairs.org WEB: www.pairs.com/jeanreeves Relationship Enrichment Center Susan Townsend, PhD, Director A comprehensive relationship center which offers seminars and workshops for individuals and couples who want to enrich the interpersonal relationships in their lives. Couples and individuals at any stage of relationship can improve their relationship health by learning and practicing new behaviors and skills. Also: PAIRS for Schools, parenting, step-parenting; cardiac rehab stress management and corporate communication workshops. **Courses include: PAIRS Passage to Intimacy - $250/pp, $500/couple, March 20 & 21, 9am- 5pm or Feb 22, Tues nights (for 8 weeks) 7-9pm; PAIRS First - $285/pp, 550/couple, 8 weeks: PAIRS Semester Course- TBA Healthy PAIRS- A workshop for cardiac patients and their spouses. $250/pp, $500/couple. Feb 26 & 27 (Fri 5-9pm & Sat 9am-5pm) or Tues (12 noon-2pm) for 6 weeks starting in mid Feb. Positive Parenting - skills-based parenting and step-parenting workshop, $210/pp, $420/couple, Feb 17 - April 14, Wed nights 7-9pm Hot Monogamy - $250/pp, $500/couple March 5 & 6 or May 7 & 8 (Fri night, 6-10pm & Sat 9am-5pm) 210 W. Pennsylvania Avenue #700 Towson, Maryland 21204 410-825-2332 Email: relationshipenrich at ttc1.com Web: www.relationenrich.com Allan Rohlfs, LPC, MDiv PREP couple workshops, PET for parents, LET for managers, and Nonviolent Communication for schools, organizations, anyone. PREP workshops in Chicago and the Quad Cities. Individual instruction available. I personally use these skills in all my relationships. **Couples PREP workshops: Chicago, March 20; Quad Cities (Moline, Rock Island, Illinois and Davenport, Bettendorf, Iowa) March 6; 8:30am - 4pm, $110/couple. Nonviolent Communication Class: Chicago, March 23-May 25, $190/person 3743 N. Drake Chicago, Illinois 60618 773/478-6264 Email: Allanrohlf at aol.com Twogether, Inc. Meg Haycraft, LCSW, PAIRS Master Teacher, and Dan Haycraft, MD, provide PAIRS workshops; Relationship Assessments; and Private Skills Coaching Packages by telephone or "in person" appointments. These services are ideal for couples and individuals whose relationship needs an immediate intervention or are wishing to strengthen an already "good" relationship. GIFT CERTIFICATES AVAILABLE FOR ALL SERVICES!! ** Schedule: PAIRS WORKSHOPS: "Passage to Intimacy" $250 per person, $449 per couple, Chicago; If You Really Loved Me, March 20, $129 per person/$250 couple. 2809 Central St Evanston, Illinois 60201 847-475-7135 (phone & fax) EMail: MegLuvLife @AOL.com "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Mon Feb 22 23:20:20 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Mon, 22 Feb 1999 23:20:20 -0500 Subject: Relate from Australia and The Alternatives to Marriage Project Message-ID: <199902230416.XAA03903@mail.his.com> Dear List, This Australia project is impressive. Visit the site and then decide who to send it to. Maybe your favorite congress person! Your Governor? Kevin and Margaret Andrews will present an update on this at the July conference. - DS RELATE - relationship skills for love, family and life is an Australian Commonwealth Government initiative. Relate is a community education campaign designed to increase awareness about marriage and relationship education and to break down the barriers to people accessing these services. The Commonwealth Government currently contracts through the Department of Family and Community Services 46 organisations to deliver marriage and relationship education in 149 locations throughout Australia. The campaign targets people at different transition stages of relationships - the committed young relationship, the birth of the first child, combining work and family, blended families and the role of fathers. To find out more - visit our website: www.relate.gov.au/ _________________________ Dear CMFCE, Here's a post I clipped off the FAM SCI list serve - this was part of the ongoing thread discussion in response to the Coahibitation report released by The Marrige Project. Thought you'd find this interesting. I'll subscribe and keep you up-to-date on any interesting posts. Though you might want to subscribe and take part in the discussions. They have an Alternatives conference coming up at Rutgers, home of The Marriage Project. -DS >Another listserv on a somewhat related topic is ATMP-Talk, the >announcement and discussion list of the Alternatives to Marriage Project. >My partner and I founded ATMP a year ago -- it's a new national >organization that provides resources, advocacy, and support to people who >choose not to marry, are unable to marry, or are in the process of deciding >whether marriage is right for them. > >The listserv is fairly low-volume (lower than FamilySci) and most of the >discussion is from people in various kinds of non-traditional families and >relationships, but there are some professionals there, also. I think many >people on the list would like to know more about the research that's being >done related to cohabitation and unmarried families, and they also have >great insights about the role marriage (or the lack thereof) plays in >people's lives. We have been doing our own qualitative research for a book >we are working on on this subject and would love to meet others with >similar interests! Here's a clip off their web site: http://www.netspace.org/atmp >Most and Least Unmarried States > >According to Census data, Alaska has a higher percentage of unmarried >partners living together than any other state; Alabama's percentage is the >lowest. Here are the top and bottom 10 states in terms of the percentages: > >States with Highest Percentages of Unmarried Cohabiting Partners >(including same sex and opposite sex): >1 Alaska - highest percentage of unmarrieds >2 Vermont >3 Nevada >4 Maine >5 New Hampshire >6 D.C. >7 Washington >8 Oregon >9 New Mexico >10 California > >States with Lowest Percentages of Unmarried Cohabiting Partners (including >same sex and opposite sex): >1 Alabama - lowest percentage of unmarrieds >2 Arkansas >3 Utah >4 North Dakota >5 Oklahoma >6 Tennessee >7 Mississippi >8 West Virginia >9 Kentucky >10 Kansas > >To subscribe, send a message to LISTSERV at NETSPACE.ORG that says (in the >message text) >SUB ATMP-TALK. Weekly digest (one message a week) and announcements only >(one message a month) options are available -- email atmp at netspace.org to >request these. > >Dorian Solot >Alternatives to Marriage Project >P.O. Box 991010 >Boston, MA 02199 >(781) 793-9911 >atmp at netspace.org >http://www.netspace.org/atmp "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 24 15:25:25 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 15:25:25 -0500 Subject: EMAIL FIXED//Bad Vibes Contagious//More courses - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902242021.PAA03222@mail.his.com> CMFCE switched to a new web/email server yesterday. In the process, EMAIL was down for 12 hours. If messages bounced back to you please resend. Sorry for the inconvenience. -DS ________________________ Here are additional marriage education courses for March, April & May taken from the CMFCE Directory. Check the directory for dozens of additional programs. THE DIVORCE BUSTING CENTER Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, Director If divorce is not the answer, what is? FOR COUPLES: Weiner-Davis and associates train couples in the methods of achieving quick relationship change outlined in the best-selling book, Divorce Busting. Her program is effective even if only one partner participates. **Keeping Love Alive Workshop for couples or singles. May 15, Palatine, Illinois (near O'Hare airport) Early registration until April 12- $69 pp/ $129 per couple. Woodstock, Illinois 60098 815-337-8000 Toll free - 800-664-2435 (800-6-Michele) Email: DBusting at aol.com Web: www.divorcebusting.com Phyllis Koss, MSW - PAIRS LEADER PAIRS workshops and courses, PEERS (relationship skills program for Teens and Young Adults), PAIRS FIRST (for pre-marital and early marriage education), and ONE DAY, TWO DAY AND 4 to 5 month PAIRS semester courses - private Pairs coaching also available. Compassion Workshops in Anger Management. PREPARE/ENRICH assessments. For couples and singles in any stage of a relationship. Learn skills to build intimacy and become emotionally fit! Keep love alive and growing. **Passage To Intimacy Workshop: Miami, April 10 -11, 9-5 - $200pp/$375 per couple. 305-639-9566 Fax: 305-639-9915 Miami, Florida Email:ClanKoss at aol.com Mentoring Love and Company This Philadelphia team of Imago Institute faculty provide monthly weekend seminars for couples: The basic "Getting the Love You Want" and the advanced "Return to Romance Weekends." Sunny Shulkin, LCSW, Mark Shulkin, MD and their daughter, Nedra Fetterman, PhD help couples & families who, though in struggle or in impasse, want to flourish. **Course Schedule in Phil, Pennsylvania: Basic Getting the Love You Want Couples Weekend: March 6-7, April 24-25. Intensive Training for Clinicians and Couples: May 13-16. Pat Love, Harville Hendrix, and Sunny will preview their new Imago Education model at the Smart Marriages Conference. 610-667-7645 Email: sunnyis at home.com Web:www:mentoringlove.com _______________________ Evansville, Indiana Monday, February 22, 1999 Research finds bad vibes contagious in families Scripps Howard News Service Frequent exposure to negative emotions can have a toxic effect on family members, according to psychologists doing innovative research to repeatedly sample moods and experiences within families. The research is described in a series of articles published this month in the Journal of Marriage and the Family that highlight the chain reaction of distress that can move through a family. It offers a new model for understanding and predicting how a person?s daily mood impacts others, said the lead editors of the reports, David Almeida of the University of Arizona and Reed Larson of the University of Illinois,who also co-authored three of the reports. ?We all have bad days and negative interactions,? Almeida said. ?This work brings new awareness that being in a negative mood, being unaccessible or generally grouchy can have a noxious effect on the well-being of our families.? Among the specific findings: * Emotions are most often passed from husband to wife and from parents to children, reflecting differences in power within families as well as gender differences in empathy and receptivity. * Negative emotions such as depression and anxiety are more likely to transfer. Bad feelings tend to be more potent and have longer-lasting effects than positive emotions. None of the studies found evidence of contagious joy in families. * Fathers bringing home negative emotions from work that affect other family members are a common pattern. Regardless of family structure, one-parent or two parent, women appear better able to contain work stress and may even strive to compensate for a bad day at work with positive encounters with children and spouse at home. * In situations where there is clearly an understandable reason for negative emotions, family members tend to give one another some slack, and emotions are less likely to be transferred. ?We know from long study that distressed parents tend to have distressed children,? Almeida said. ?Looking at these daily experiences may explain part of this connection.? "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 24 21:24:46 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 21:24:46 -0500 Subject: Texas Covenant bill//Oklahoma Covenant bill - 2/99 Message-ID: <199902250220.VAA28062@mail.his.com> Texas State Rep. Arlene Wohlgemuth has introduced a "new and improved" version of covenant marriage in her legislature. It lets people choose a three-year waiting period for divorce. It removes a few of the counseling specifications that caused problems with churches and lawyers' groups in other states. It can be called up on the web by Bill Number HB350 at http://www.capitol.state.tx.us. - from John Crouch _________________ House Approves Marriage Bill 02/23/1999 By Mick Hinton Capitol Bureau A bill aimed at getting couples to sign a binding covenant before marriage was approved by the state House on Monday, after discussion turned to whether couples who are "shacking up" would be covered. The bill sponsored by Rep. Jim Reese, R-Nardin, provides that a couple can voluntarily sign a document calling for counseling before marriage. The covenant also would require that couples undergo marital counseling and wait 18 months before divorcing. Rep. Dale Wells, D-Cushing, attached an amendment extending covenant agreements to common law marriages, which was apparently a move to sidetrack the bill. "Would your amendment require counseling before shacking up?" asked Rep. Kevin Calvey, R-Del City. "I believe it would," Wells replied. Outside the chamber, Wells said a foundering marriage would not be helped by another piece of paper from the government. It should be enough to take a vow before God, he said. House Bill 1001 was approved 92-7. Reese said 25 percent of all marriages don't make it to the second anniversary. The bill will now go to the Senate, where it may never be approved. Earlier this month, a Senate committee defeated a marriage covenant bill. Sen. Brad Henry, D-Shawnee, whose committee heard the bill, said it was given a thorough hearing. "I don't know why I'd waste the members' time hashing this over again," he said Monday. Last year, the House passed Reese's bill, but it died in the Senate. Gov. Frank Keating in his State of the State address supported covenant marriages. "It's easier to get a marriage license than it is to get a hunting license," he said. "Around the Coalition" shares a wide range of information on marriage, divorce, and educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members of the Coalition. -To SUBSCRIBE to the FREE CMFCE on-line newsletter, send a "subscribe" message by reply email or send to: list at smartmarriages.com -To UNSBSCRIBE send a message to: majordomo at his.com and put: "unsubscribe smartmarriages" in the message body WITHOUT the quotation marks. ALL past newsletter postings are archived at: http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start The 3rd Annual Smart Marriages?/Happy Families conference will be held July 1-4, 1999 in Washington, DC. PRE and POST conference full-day training/certifying institutes on June 30 & July 1 AND July 5 & 6. Tapes of all presentations at the 1997 & 1998 Smart Marriages conferences at 800-241-7785 or at tapes at the-resource-link.com. Audio tapes are $10, video tapes are $24.95. To list your name in the Directory of Programs and Providers visit the Website: http://www.smartmarriages.com Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE) Diane Sollee, Director 5310 Belt Rd. NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961 202-362-3332 FAX 202-362-0973 From cmfce at smartmarriages.com Wed Feb 24 21:31:49 1999 From: cmfce at smartmarriages.com (Smartmarriages=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=a9?=) Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 21:31:49 -0500 Subject: Teen parenting resources Message-ID: <199902250227.VAA02432@mail.his.com> Dear CMFCE, This is clipped off the FAM NET listserve. From: Kathryn E. Cummings, cummings at msue.msu.edu To: FAMNET, famnet at reeusda.gov For anyone interested, here is the compilation of resources I received as a result of my query on teen pregnancy: 1) My sister (Karen Myers-Bowman) and I have created a model we call The Many Paths to Adolescent Parenthood that summarizes the research into teen sexual activity, contraceptive use, abortion, and adoption to identify the factors that seem to be associated with teens (mostly females) becoming young parents or avoiding the situation at various steps in the process.? We have made it into a game and have used it with adolescents, college and graduate students, and community professionals.? It was created first as a poster session at NCFR.? We have not packaged it for distribution yet, but hope to do so.? There are some tentative pieces that could be shared, however.? Let me know if you are interested. ? Judy Myers-Walls Phone: (765)494-2959 e-mail: myerswal at cfs.purdue.edu 2) There are a lot of organizations that are working on the issue of teen pregnancy. May I recommend the following websites: National Organization on Adolescent Pregnancy, Parenting and Prevention at www.noappp.org Advocates for Youth at www.advocatesforyouth.org The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy at www.teenpregnancy.org The Urban Institute at www.urban.org And there is my own organization that designs and disseminates a couple of nationally recognized teen pregnancy prevention programs. Our website is as follows: http://members.aol.com/legacyrgl/legacy.html Tom Klaus Email: legacyrgl at aol.com 3) May I suggest the following resource to address research on the most common reason/s kids engage in this behavior. Luker, Kristen (1996). Dubious Conceptions: The Politics of Teenage Pregnancy. Harvard University Press, Boston, MA. Dianne Browne, MA, CFLE 4) There is a national resource called NOAPPP, the National Organization for Pregnancy Prevention and Parenting (www.noappp.org). I happen to be the new President of the Board for the MN version (MOAPPP). In addition, The Pregnancy Research Center at here at the University of Minnesota has been working with these issues for years. The best contact, although he is always busy, is Dr. Michael Resnick at 612-624-9111. Good luck! Michael Brott 5)Douglas Kirby did an excellent evaluation on teen pregnancy programs in the book, "no easy answers". You can order this through http://www.teenpregnancy.org/ I have also done a review of programs on adolescent sexuality that include a parent component. i could send you a copy of this review if you are interest. can you receive email attachments. regarding factors associated with behaviors associated with teen pregnancy, i cover this somewhat in my paper, brent miller does an excellent review on family factors assoced with teen pregnancy in his book "family matters" which can also be ordered via the above listed web site. other websites of interest could be: http://cgibin.erols.com/fpwin/prevention.htm http://www.cfoc.org/nationalnews.html http://www.agi-usa.org/ http://www.nnh.org/products/Adolescent.htm best wishes, and please let me know if you have more specific questions. llmeschke 6) Lots to look at, Kathryn. I'd suggest you start with 'No Easy Answers', the paper by Doug Kirby done for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (Washington DC); also ask for the National Campaign's bibliography list - great stuff. Contact Kristin Moore at Child Trends, Inc. in Washington DC for her two monographs (June 1996) on adolescent pregnancy, sexuality, prevention, etc. Family Planning Perspectives is a key source journal on this topic as well. This should get you going. Michael Resnick 7) Check out Be Proud Be Responsible: Strategies to Empower Youth to Reduce Their Risk for Aids, Jemmott, L.; Jemmott, J., and McCaffree, K.. Postponing Sectual Involvement Reducing the Risk (PSI), Howard, Mitchell, & Pollard, 1990. Reducing, Barth, 1989. These are used in Erie County, Ohio contact Kay Gilbert at callkay at accsandusky.com for more information address 420 Superior Street, Sandusky, OH 44870 Phone 626-5623. She has a board of professionals that insist on using proven research materials. It seems successful teens have adult mentorsip and are involved with volunteer work. Ann Fremion 8) Having worked in the area of pregnancy and pregnancy prevention for many years, i would wholeheartedly agree that just say no IS NOT ENOUGH! Cornell Coop Extension in Orange County offers an exciting and well received program in pre-parenting education, targeted at middle schoolers, grades 6,7, &8. We've also done this with High School students, though we prefer not to wait that